TFNG Rewind | Allegedly | Alan Dershowitz

Hello again, my little biscottis. Welcome to This Fucking Guy, a podcast about self-care. Self-care is one long scream into the void. Here is where we use expletives and alcohol to emotionally process the creeps, jerks, and pee words that compose the shitty elevator music of our lives. I'm in my reputation era. Ren Martinez.

And I'm in my feral raccoon era, Ginger Golub. That's your whole ass era. I never left that era. That's been the era. I was born... A feral raccoon and a feral raccoon I will die. I mean, it's really funny because I like Taylor Swift, but I'm not enough of a Swifty. So I don't actually know what a reputation era is. I think it's one of her albums. I think she's mad at Kanye West. uh okay bad millennial white women look okay i'm a carly ray girl

All right. I've been obsessed with the loneliest and the loveliest time. That's my pop diva of choice. I don't shade on Taylor Swift. Like her dream. Did you see the reactions to the Joe Coy Emmy speech? Oh, just her completely unblinking, unaffected, slow sip of champagne. Just like... When he's like...

She's a woman. You know she could like buy the Kansas City Chiefs. I mean, for me, and this is... whatever kind of take it is it wasn't even the misogyny of like certain jokes in that monologue and like also

As you and I are talking about this, we're like three weeks behind schedule. Oh, yeah. Of when the Golden Globes or whatever the fuck actually happened. Like, this is such... a stale take is going to be in another week or two before we're a stale take but hey another opportunity to change the podcast name but it was just that it was just that it wasn't funny misogyny and all of that aside it was just not that funny dude and i've seen

I've seen Joe Coy do other stuff. I'm not sure he has it within him to be that funny. Well... I haven't seen Joe Coy's other stuff. The only thing I've heard about Joe Coy is as an Asian man, he makes Asian accents. Apparently that's his comedy. I don't know. But like, dude. You can get away with some offensive shit, like the most offensive shit as a comedian, if you're funny, like if you're good at making the joke, like.

Writing it down and going ha-ha at the end. Richard Pryor. Well, George Carlin, like... um Eddie Murphy back in the day like there's plenty of offensive comedians that are right toeing that line of misogyny sexism racism like playing around in those areas but are also funny so you can like yes not that like that stuff isn't offensive but people are willing as a whole to forgive like offensiveness because they laugh but um no one was laughing and so it just was sad

It was sad. And also just the fact that he kept as it continued. getting more and more on fire. He's just like, these are the writer's jokes. I didn't write these. I'm funny. And it's like, are you? Oh, God. Oh, buddy. Oh, honey. Oh, buddy, no. So after that stale take, do you have anything to scream into the void?

So, the thing that I pulled up, because for the most part, for the most part, guys, and you will notice, like, some deafening silences on a couple issues, and that's because the news hurts. The news is... is very painful right now. And, um, I mean, blanket statements fucking ceasefire now and, uh, send Trump to... Guantanamo Bay he's the only person I approve of being there the news hurts real bad but there was one exchange that even involved Trump

That brought levity to my heart. Did you see this exchange with the judge in his E. Jean Carroll defamation case? No, I have yesterday. I have not seen that yet. So this came out the 17th. I'm reading from the Associated Press because I don't want... whatever guys that got lost and just stumbled into our podcast to be like, she's pulling from Jezebel. She's pulling from NMSNVC. This is bias. Like, I'm pulling from the Associated Press here.

Judge Louis A. Kaplan told the former president that it is his right to be present at the trial, but it will be revoked if he remains disruptive. After an initial warning, Carol's lawyer said Trump could still be heard making remarks to his lawyers, including, it is a witch. hunt and it really is a con job quote mr trump i hope i don't have to consider excluding you from this trial kaplan said in an exchange after the jury was excused for lunch adding

I understand you're probably very eager for me to do that. I would love it, the Republican presidential frontrunner shot back, shrugging as he sat between his lawyers. I know you would. You just can't control yourself in these circumstances, apparently, Kaplan responded. You can't either, Trump muttered. That's just some... I know you are, but what am I bullshit? I am Breber, and you are glue. And whatever you say bounces off of me. It sticks to you.

Also, in an article that I was reading about this earlier today, like ahead of his trial, which is about posting about this woman on social media, he's made no fewer than 30 posts. this and about her on social media well he can't help himself he is a very large four-year-old

There is no higher level of functioning. Really, no. I mean, he barely has object permanence. And I don't think that, and he certainly doesn't when it comes to his children. Or his wife. Or his wife. As soon as they walk out of the room, he's like, gone. Tiffany? Who's that? There's a Tiffany? Tiffany. That's one of my girlfriends, right? I definitely dated a Tiffany. He did. It was the 80s. But yeah, no, that's I was I was talking to my husband about this the other day about.

Trump is a horrible person, right? Like we can all agree Trump's horrible. Oh, this was right after the Iowa caucus where Ron DeSantis like got like 12%. It was so sad.

And here's the thing, like, Ron DeSantis is also a horrible person. But the reason that people tolerate Trump... over ron desantis is that ron desantis is a void of charisma he is a rotting block of cheese he is just a stale sponge sitting on your counter like there is nothing interesting or memorable or and and just he's also slightly like sticky at all times it's gross um not sticky like moist like there's always like a oh you know like clammy

clammy yes cold and moist clammy at all times trump is a horrible person but objectively charismatic like what interesting to look at ron oh my god meatball ron That was pretty good. Like, I'll give a meatball run. Also, when you say you had this conversation with your husband, do you mean me? Because you and I had this conversation yesterday. It was you! Oh my god! husband now. You're getting me and your husband confused. You know how long my days are?

Yes, because I also have a one-year-old. Also, you have that energy. You have big husband energy. I have big husband energy. I do, honestly. All right, there's our next week's intro written.

Anyway, with all of that said, I think it might be some time for some therapy. As always. All right. So. I'm so excited. Why don't you tell me about this fucking guy? Okay. So I decided to take on somebody who could sue us into oblivion. Oh, joy. I will preface this by saying...

that this podcast is for the purpose of commentary, critique, parody, reviews, and satire. I don't have any money, fancy lawyer man. Please don't sue us. Allegedly, allegedly, allegedly. Allegedly, allegedly. All of these are cited. That out of the way, I'm going to begin with a story. So in 1991, William Kennedy Smith, who was a nephew of...

John F. Kennedy, former president, continuing dead man, had recently been accused of raping a woman in one very particular Harvard law class. The professor... was constantly talking to his students about this case. According to one student, the professor, quote, would talk about Smith and the woman frolicking in the waves, ripping off their clothes. According to the New Yorker, quote,

A woman raised her hand and said essentially, okay, enough rape examples. There are women in this class who've been raped. Can we move on to something else? His hair just caught on fire, Murph Wilcott, a male student who was in the class during the confrontation, recalled. He seemed to take that as a challenge to his authority, and he made it clear he was going to teach what he wanted to teach.

While being interviewed about this incident, this Harvard professor told the New Yorker, quote, there was a controversy in the class and a very small number of students objected to the teaching. His intention, he said, was to play devil's advocate in order to challenge students' thinking. So have you heard of Alan Dershowitz? He's come up. So, Alan Morton Dershowitz is a fancy lawyer man. Just gonna skip over that middle name. Yeah, Alan Morton Dershowitz.

Is the fancy lawyer man in question. And a fancy law professor known for his work. Allegedly, allegedly, allegedly. Known for his work in U.S. constitutional law and American criminal law. He is known for taking on high profile and often deeply unpopular causes and clients. Apparently he's good at it though.

As evidenced by the fact that he won 13 out of the 15 murder and attempted murder cases he's handled since 2009. As a defense attorney or is he a prosecutor ever? No, no, no. He's a defense attorney. Okay. His clientele sounds like the cast of The Surreal Life or very weird season of Dancing with the Stars. Oh, my God. You got Mike Tyson, Patty Hearst, and Julian Assange, to name a few.

Oh, fuck, I would watch that. It would be a really good season, honestly. It would be a really good season of Dancing with the Stars. I feel like Mike Tyson would win. Yeah, I do. I feel like he would be a surprisingly gentle dancer. So Dershowitz has been published more than like a thousand times in articles and magazines, newspapers and journals like the New York Times, the Harvard Law Review. And he's also authored fictional and fictional work.

I'm sorry, fictional and non-fictional works like 30 different books. From his staff page at Harvard Law School, quote, Professor Alan M. Dershowitz is Brooklyn native who has been called the nation's most peripatetic civil liberties lawyer. I don't actually know what peripatetic means. Get off your fucking high horse. But it sounds like a Harvard shit. And one of its most distinguished defenders of individual rights, the best known criminal lawyer in the world, the top lawyer of last resort.

is most public Jewish defender and Israel's single most visible defender. Okay. Did you call him the most Jewish defender? That's what it says in the Harvard Law School. I didn't write that. Harvard, the Harvard Law page, his staff page says that. The most public... And the attorney of last resort? And the attorney of last resort. We'll get into why. Okay.

So that's, you know, an impressive resume and some impressive, impressivisms. But why are we talking about Alan Dershowitz? Let's start at the beginning. So he was born in Brooklyn in 1938 to an Orthodox Jewish couple. His father was deeply involved in the Jewish community in Brooklyn, which I'm pretty sure is just Brooklyn.

As a cute factoid, he told Forbes about his first job working at a deli factory at 14 years old. He reported that he's still a superb turkey slicer and once got locked in a deep freezer for 20 minutes. In school, he was apparently a rebellious student and wouldn't shut up, which sounds like every other 14-year-old boy who thinks he's smarter than all the adults around him. His teachers told him to do something that, quote,

Which I saw quoted everywhere, but the article that it's originally from, I couldn't find. But, like, it's in all of his stuff. He really likes that quote. It sounds like something that Trump would say about literally any of his opponents. Yeah. So he eventually made his way to Yale Law School, which is considered the best law school in the country, despite the fact that Elle Woods went to Harvard.

after graduating from law school Dershowitz became a professor at Harvard no doubt learning the bend and snap and became a law clerk for Chief Judge David Bazelon of the U.S. Court of Appeals from 1962 to 1963. Dershowitz once said, quote, Bazelon was my best and worst boss at once. He worked me to the bone. He didn't hesitate to call me at 2 a.m. He taught me everything. How to be a civil libertarian, a Jewish activist, a mensch. He was halfway between a slave master and a father figure.

I did want to take this note to say, what exactly is a civil libertarian? Because according to Wikipedia, civil libertarianism is a strain of political thought that supports civil liberties or which emphasizes the supremacy of individual rights and personal freedom. over and against any kind of authority, such as state, corporation, social norms imposed through peer pressure, and so on. I mean, which is like both something I kind of like.

But then they add like the social norms stuff, which like some social norms are bad, but some of them are not bad. Some of them are like, please don't pull your penis out at this Arby's. And some of it is like, hey, so a social norm isn't the government. Because that's a different thing, right? Anyway, who is really Alan Dershowitz? We're going to start. Allegedly. Allegedly. We're going to start with his divorce. So Dershowitz's first wife was Sue Barlack. In his book.

he described Barlack as an Orthodox Jewish girl who he met at Jewish summer camp in the Catskills, which is, I assume, how everyone meets when they're Jewish and from Brooklyn. I mean... First of all, how dare you? Second of all, I am going to have to ask my father-in-law about that to see how accurate it is or is not. They married in 1959 when Dershowitz was 20 and Barlack was 18. And they ended up having two sons together, Elon and I think it's Jamin. J-A-M-I-N. Jamin.

Yeah, it's probably Khamen. Khamen. I never know how much ha to add to this. In December 1971, Elon, who was then 10 years old, was diagnosed as having a brain tumor. Alan wrote how distraught and distracted he was in that, quote, my marriage, which had been suffering for several years, was now in deep trouble. Luckily, Elon recovered. Marriage, not so much. Dershowitz was working a case in New York defending a member of the Militant Jewish Defense League.

He was working alongside his friend Harvey Silvergate, a former student, and Gene Baker, a young law student who was a research assistant there. Quote, It made it clear to me how unhappy I was in my marriage. Uh... What? In 1973, he and Sue separated and soon filed for divorce. The divorce was acrimonious, to say the least, from The New Yorker.

In Judge Haskell Friedman's lengthy findings of fact, he wrote that Dershowitz's behavior towards Sue negatively affected the plaintiff's health to the extent that she required medical treatment and briefly some psychiatric therapy. Dershowitz denies mistreating her, and his son Elon said he never witnessed any improper treatment. How old was he? Ten. And probably in the hospital? I guess at this point he was twelve.

Because 1971 is when he was diagnosed, so he's 12. Because as you know, all abuse happens right in front of your 12-year-old children. Sue had been given provisional custody, but Dershowitz decided to seek sole custody. Secretly recorded tapes were produced that painted Sue as a disparaging harpy. And the judge wasn't happy that Sue harshly insulted the extraordinary young lawyer, Gene Baker, who had become...

Alan's girlfriend. Okay. You see, you said Gene and you said it with this ominous voice, but I was reading it in my head as G-E-N-E and I was like, I don't think Alan Dershowitz was fucking a guy named Eugene. He wasn't. He was fucking a girl named Jeannie. A lady named you Jean. I guess it could be Jeannie Baker, but it's Jean. But yes.

So Alan was awarded sole custody. He also fucked over Sue on alimony, producing two doctors' affidavits stating that he had developed hypertension and that he needed to slow down his pace of work. As a note, Dirt Schwartz is estimated to have a net worth of about $20 million. She got like very modest sum for about 10 years and then was cut off. And I'm guessing he totally scaled back the amount of work that he was doing in actuality. Mm-hmm.

For the next 50 years, scaled back is the word I would use to describe what he's done. Became a small town country lawyer. A son to small town. Country lawyer. To finish up this unfortunately sad tale, we go back to The New Yorker. Quote, The divorce seemed to liberate Dershowitz. He dated widely, becoming a familiar presence at the Bar of Har...

at the bar of Harvest Restaurant in Cambridge. In 1982, Dershowitz was giving a speech in Boston, and a psychologist named Carolyn Cohen came to hear him. His spot in the back of the room was transfixed. They soon began living together and were married four years later. Their daughter was born in 1990. They bought a house in Cambridge and vacationed in Martha's Vineyard.

Sue Barlack moved to New York and for several years worked as a research librarian for the International Ladies Garment Workers Union. On New Year's Eve, 1983, she drowned in the East River in apparent suicide. Oh, God. With all...

that in mind uh-huh let's continue painting a picture of alan dershowitz by going through his client list allegedly allegedly his client list according to wikipedia i didn't do it um So first there's Harry Reams. Have you ever heard of Harry Reams? I don't think I have. It sounds like a really bad porn name. You are correct. Harry Reams was one of the most... profilific performers in the adult film industry. Oh! Okay.

Throughout the 70s and 80s, he started in about 140 sexploitation and hardcore films. Sexploitation are like those softcore 70s films that like are icky, but like not full pornographic. Okay. So not quite Linda Lovelace, but they were playing in the same theater. He starred in the classic porn film The Devil and Miss Jones, which I have to give you the plot. Justine Jones, a lonely and depressed spinster at the age of about 37, kills herself. Oh, God!

An angel tells her that her suicide has disqualified her from heaven, so in order to, quote, earn her place in hell, Jones returns to Earth as the embodiment of lust. After having a lot of sex and becoming a sex addict, she is sentenced to her hellish torment, confined to a room with an impotent man obsessed with catching flies. The end. Wow. Wow, the 70s were a time. You might have heard of Reem's other classic porn film, though. Deep Throat. Oh, yeah. Which is how Dershowitz gets involved.

You see, Ream's appearance in Deep Throat led to his 1974 arrest by FBI agents on federal charges of conspiracy to distribute obscenity across state lines, making him the first American actor to be prosecuted. solely for appearing in a film. Which, like, to be fair, is a real bullshit charge. Also, I would argue he's not distributing it. He's not a producer. Unless he is a producer. I don't think he was. I think he was just the dick involved. Peen for hire.

But basically, in 1976, Dershowitz successfully appealed his conviction. He argued that the censorship of pornography violated the First Amendment and maintained that consumption of pornography was not harmful. Allegedly. Allegedly. Which... I don't mind that. I don't care. I don't care about that. That's fine. Then there's Rabbi Avi Weiss.

In 1989, Weiss and six others stage a protest at Auschwitz over the presence of Carmelite nuns, which sounds like a caramel version of Ovaltine. I was gonna say, are those... Do the nuns also come in mochaccino? Right? Caramelite could either be, again, like a caramel drink or like a brand of like... Hunting equipment? Or like a cooler? Get your karma-like cooler out? You know? Yeah. It certainly does not sound like a sect of a religious order. Well...

The reason that these Jews were mad at these nuns was because the nuns had erected a very large cross right in front of Auschwitz. This weird move. This cross had previously been used to celebrate Pope John Paul II 1979 Mass at Birkenau. So he held this Mass. This cross was there. And this cross was placed to commemorate the spot where 151 prisoners were shot to death in 1941.

Okay. Well, Weiss and the protesters, being Jewish, did not think this giant Christian symbol was the best symbol to commemorate the loss of Jewish life. Probably not. After the protest, Cardinal Josef Glimp, then the Archbishop of Warsaw, said this wild-ass thing. Recently, a squad of seven Jews from New York launched an attack on the covenant at Auschwitz. They did not kill the nuns or destroy the convent only because they were stopped. What?

And he said this before suggesting that the Jews control the news media. Oh, okay. Yeah. So then, so Dershowitz came in and filed a defamation suit against the Cardinal because of all that wild shit he said. Yeah, yeah, fair.

Which is wild shit. So, less cool than that was his assistance to OJ Simpson's defense team. Ugh. He later wrote a book about it, Reasonable Doubts, the Criminal Justice System, and the O.J. Simpson case, which has this quote. The Simpson case will not be remembered in the next century. It will not rank as one of the trials of the century. I would rank it somewhere in the middle in terms of interest and importance. Ryan Murphy just takes a long time to have a cigarette.

Okay, Alan. Sure. All right. So prescient. Dershowitz's clients continue being less and less cool. Okay. So. In 2008, Dershowitz was a member of the legal defense team for the first criminal case against Jeffrey Epstein. Which makes sense. as they were already friends through one of the Rothschilds, a statement that I'm sure has inflamed the hearts and loins of a conspiracy theorist for decades.

Oh, that, oh boy, just you reading that out loud is gonna, oh boy, that's gonna do something to our algorithm, Jesus Christ. The investigation was about whether or not Epstein had repeatedly sought sex from minors. Yes. I think sought sex from minors is better termed as statutory rape of minors, but... And, you know... Some trafficking. That sounds like a horror. Like the worst personals ad is like seeking sex reminders.

Unless you're in West Virginia and it's M-I-N-E-R-S. They have great arms. You know what I mean? That's going to be the new TikTok thirst traps. Like, we're done with cutting down wood. Now it's time to bring back the miners. Like, very sexily coughing. I'm just flashing back violently to Zoolander. What a weird way to make a Zoolander reference in the year of our Lord 2024.

And yet here I am, somebody who has seen Citizen Kane not once and has seen Zoolander no fewer than six times. Wow. I haven't seen either of those movies ever, actually. You haven't seen Zoolander? I know. What the fuck, dude? I don't know how I missed it. It just didn't happen for me. And I feel like I'm at a point where, like, I can't. It's just too late. It's too late.

I mean, I've seen the clips. I know what blue steel is. Like, I'm not completely ignorant. Continue. Anyway, this investigation was concluded with a non-prosecution agreement, all thanks to Ellen. Though Epstein later pled guilty to a state charge of procuring for prostitution a girl below age 18. I thought that that was a Jim Acosta thing. But that's a lot of...

Words for being a fucking creep. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But keep a pin in this. Okay. Just keep a put a little pin. Little brain pin up in there. All right.

In a case of I support the cause in theory, but the whole guy sucks. Dershowitz was a consultant for the legal team of Julian Assange. In 2011, Assange, white-haired anime antagonist and skateboard enthusiast... Fucking loser. Guy who used to bone Pamela Anderson in the Ecuadorian embassy. Oh, what a fucking loser. Him fucking riding the grid rail down in front of fucking diplomats trying to be fucking cool. What a fucking nerd.

Anyway, he was facing the prospect of charges from the U.S. government for distributing classified documents through WikiLeaks, which, like, was stupid, but... He sucks. Dershowitz argued that Assange should be considered a journalist, stating, I believe that to protect the First Amendment, we need to protect new electronic media vigorously. yeah which i agree with i just yeah look terrible people can't be terrible all the time or else they would just i mean straight to hell i mean they can um

But not in this particular case. Even Trump gave his meatball wrong. That is true. I mean, honestly, Trump is... if only you know how trump could use his powers for good which is just being the high school bully that like these fucking republicans need i want him to just bully republicans all day which he does but he also like is a fascist so you know there is Allegedly. In 2018, Dershowitz teamed up with America's sweetheart, Harvey Weinstein. Oh, God. As a consultant to his legal team.

during the class action lawsuit against Weinstein's former production company, which alleged that Weinstein violated federal sex trafficking laws. Uh-huh. Quote, I was retained by Defendant Harvey Weinstein's counsel to consult with them regarding constitutional issues concerning certain email correspondences.

That is the most lawyer statement I have ever heard. I think it's just important to like, he wasn't on the legal team. Like he wasn't literally on the legal team. He was just giving them advice. You know? I feel like at this point, I kind of need to point out that I'm totally on board with civil rights, rights of the defendant.

all that shit. Like, I don't think Alan is wrong in, like, protecting and ensuring due process. Yes, and I mean, even terrible people need adequate defense because it is something that is, like, afforded to us. as part of our subliberties. Subliberties. Subliberties. But also like if for no other reason than to make sure that people can't appeal on really stupid grounds. Right. Like...

Have competent defense, by all means. However, like, bro, the company you keep is just starting to sound like dum-dum. Mm-hmm. Well, I also, I do think it says something. that Dershowitz like actively helps to support the constitutional rights of like very rich, very famous people. Like he's all about this due process rights. He's all about the constitution. But it's not like he chose to be a public defender helping poor people who get routinely screwed out of these rights. No.

So just Jeffrey Tambor was playing Alan Dershowitz on Law and Order SVU or is that to do the cut for you? First of all, here's the problem. I don't know what specific episode you're referencing because everyone's been- It was a lot of them. Everyone- It was a lot of them. Well, everyone's been on an episode of Law & Order. Like, every single actor has been on an episode of Law & Order. It's required to get your SAG after a car. There's a million of them.

um there's a million episodes so you run through you run through everybody at some point so here's when we get to uh the trump of it all so in 2019 dershowitz appeared On an episode of The View. Okay, not where I thought you were going to go. So on this episode, they were discussing Attorney General William Barr. was at that time endorsing Trump's claim that there had been no collusion, no obstruction in Russia.

That was a decent Trump. Thank you. I appreciate that. I'm so proud of you. I can't do one for shit. You have to act like you have a bunch of marshmallows in your mouth. That helps. But that Robert Mueller's report was like not that big a deal. It was like, didn't really say anything important. It's just like, girl, calm down. To be fair, it didn't say that much. It said more than what they said it was saying. That's true. But we waited so long for that thing.

We thought it was going to fix all of our problems. Do you remember that? Do you remember when we had Hope Ren? No. No. No. You've been doing this podcast too long. So Whoopi Goldberg was like, a lie is a lie is a lie. Alan, who was their guest, offered this explanation. that lying to Congress or the FBI was illegal, but misleading the public. Not so much. Quote,

The rule of law requires that we distinguish between sins and crimes. There's no federal crime that says it's illegal to lie to the media. He's not wrong. Throws a whole man out. So, Whoopi Goldberg, star of the dinosaur buddy cop movie Theodore Rex. Oh, my God. I forgot about that. Speaking of deep cuts. Fired back. Our parents taught us, if you lie, there are consequences. When are consequences coming back? And Alan replied,

They come back in November of 2020 when we all go to the polls and we vote against people that we think lied. But it would be a terrible thing to criminalize lies. Which, that's what perjury is, but okay. Well, that's what perjury is if you're doing it on the stand. I think he meant more general. It's just, ugh, ugh, ugh. Also, Whoopi, are you still supporting Woody Allen? This is not an endorsement of Whoopi Goldberg, star of the Dinosaur Buddy Cop movie, Theodore Rex. Look.

I have an irrational and abiding love for Whoopi Goldberg's star of the dinosaur buddy cop comedy Theodore Rex. Hashtag copaganda. Not all dinosaurs. She does occasionally. have not great friends who she's like, you know who I want to vocally stand by until the end is whoever fucking person. And... Well, she...

I mean, this was decades ago, but I still remember the whole Ted Danson blackface thing. And she was like, it's cool, guys. We're fucking. And I'm like, I don't think that's how that works. I don't think that that's how that works. Either, but also, like, with that particular example, I'm going to leave it up to Whoopi to say what does and doesn't offend her. And also, like, Ted Danson's pretty hot good for you. Dude, Ted Danson.

It's like a full Silver Fox now. We all watched The Good Place. We've forgiven him. Well, admittedly, I think he's like aged into it really well. Like he did some. Oh, yeah. Now his toupee makes sense. Well, like he did some problematic shit in his youth. Like the blackface. But like I think he's grown into it. And has generally stayed in his lane. And is like trying not to fuck up his life. Unlike another silver hair geriatric comedian.

fucking Chevy Chase who everyone hates and is a giant piece of shit. Chevy Chase is Ted Danson's Wario. Anyway, back to like this lawyer person. Allegedly. Allegedly a lawyer person. In January 2020, Dershowitz joined President Donald Trump's legal team as Trump was being tried on impeachment charges in the Senate.

Some people were shocked by this because Dershowitz voted for Hillary Clinton, apparently. But Trump is also a rich, famous guy. We know how Alan feels about rich, famous people and their constitutional rights. Big fan about it. He defended his representation by saying, I'm there to try to defend the integrity of the Constitution. That benefits to President Trump in this case. Does it?

So Dershowitz made oral arguments during the impeachment hearing, and his argument was essentially that proof of a crime was required to impeach a president. When some people... pointed out that Dershowitz had said the exact opposite when Bill Clinton was being impeached. Dershowitz followed up with this, quote, To the extent there are inconsistencies between my current position and what I said 22 years ago, I am correct today. Well, as long as you're correct today.

You might be fucking wrong tomorrow, but you were correct today. And that's all that matters, Alan. Allegedly. Allegedly. After the trial, Dershowitz lobbied the Trump administration to give clemency to a variety of his clients. He was part of at least 12 clemency grants, though was unsuccessful in convincing the administration to commute the sentence of one George Nader.

who was serving 10 years for child pornography and sex trafficking. Uh, why were we commuting then? They were his clients, and they deserve things. It does seem that he has a lot of sympathy for men accused of certain crimes. Yeah. From the New Yorker, quote, this is a long one. Allegedly. In a 1997... Sorry, I had to get that dick joke in there. Okay, quote.

In a 1997 op-ed in the Los Angeles Times, he argued against statutory rape laws, writing, There must be criminal sanctions against sex with very young children, but it is doubtful whether such sanctions should apply to teenagers above the age of puberty. since voluntary sex is so common in their age group.

He suggested that 15 was a reasonable age of consent, no matter how old the partner was. He also argued against punishing men who hire prostitutes. In a 1985 article in the Gainesville Sun, Dershowitz proposed that a John... who occasionally seeks to taste the forbidden fruit of sex for hire, should not be arrested. The non-profit executive recalled his discussing the idea in class. He said,

Prostitutes know what they're doing. They should be prosecuted. But you shouldn't ruin the John's life over that. If I had raised my hand to challenge that, I would have been singling myself out as, God forbid, a feminist. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I'm... I... Okay. Decriminalized sex work. First and foremost. Legalized sex work. Yeah, yeah. In fact...

Just make it fucking legal. Who cares? Just make it fucking legal. And like, I understand. Here's the thing. He's one of those cases where it's like any single one of these things. Okay. But it's that boiled frog. It's just the temperature. The temperature's ever so higher in this Dershowitz stew. Mm-hmm. And... And in that context, the statutory rape stuff really, really takes on a specific kind of flavor. It does. He's really over seasoning this position he has.

And why is it bubblegum flavored? All of this may be why he published his 2019 book, Guilt by Accusation, The Challenge of Proving Innocence in the Age of Me Too. Oh, fuck. So I'm going to read the Amazon description. Oh, okay. In Guilt by Accusation, Dershowitz provides an in-depth analysis of the false accusations against him, alongside a full presentation of the exculpatory evidence that proves his account, including emails from his accuser and admission of innocence from her lawyer.

David Boies. Additionally, he examines current attitudes towards accusations of sexual misconduct, which are today, in the age of Me Too, accepted as implicit truth without giving the accused a fair chance to defend themselves and their innocence, and suggests possible pathways back to a society and legal system in which due process is respected above public opinion and the whims of society. Social media mobs.

This book is Alan Dershowitz's plea for fairness for both accuser and accused. His principled stand for due process, no matter the allegation, and its compelling assertion of his own innocence. It is essential reading. for anyone who wants to know the inside story behind the accusation against him or cares about the current societal debate over how we should handle accusations of sexual misconduct.

The Me Too movement has generally been a force for good, but as with many good movements, it is being exploited by some bad people for personal profit. Supporters of the Me Too movement must not allow false accusers to hurt real victims. by hiding behind its virtuous shield, turning it into an exploitative sword against innocent people. Now... Dershy, my guy. Um...

I can't help but notice you've given us this book review that talks a whole lot about the allegations against him. I will get to that. Absolutely. We're going to talk about it in just a second. But I did want to, as part of like, again, like this little, I guess it's cover, whatever. It has some quotes. Allegedly. Some quotes in praise of the author.

which I wanted to include. Okay. Okay. The truth has no greater defender than Alan Dershowitz, Benjamin Netanyahu. Oh, okay. There are great legal minds. There are those who can also communicate well on television. Then there is Dershowitz. The professor is uniquely capable of arguing a position while putting a premium on legal and ethical legitimacy, not as popularity. Bravo, Dershowitz.

Chris Cuomo, actor, anchor, and reporter from CNN. And then, courage and principle are rare today. Professor Dershowitz has them both. Senator Ted Cruz.

A who's who of what the fuck. I think we need to amend this. It's Chris Cuomo, former anchor and reporter for CNN. Former... anchor and reporter did he do a sex crime or was it his brother it was his brother who did the sex crimes and then he used his news news allegedly allegedly and then he did his news news to like obscure obscure the the alleged

of the sex crimes. Which you could say is maybe an abuse of power and authority. Maybe. They frown on it. I don't know. And like bad journalism, maybe? I don't know. I'm no small town journalist. Small country town journalist. What's eating the garbage behind Cindy Lou's trash can? Anyway. But what?

Accusations is the book referencing from the BBC. Quote. Mr. Dershowitz was recently linked to the underage sex scandal involving convicted financier Jeffrey Epstein, who pleaded guilty to prostitution charges after being accused of arranging underage sex partners for politically connected and financially powerful people.

professor along with prince andrew what a who's who uh that was my own uh thing not a quote from the bbc was recently identified as participating in the sex ring by one of the women engaged in a lawsuit against the u.s government

So yeah, back in 2015, old Dershey was accused of taking part in his friend Epstein's activities by way of sex crimes. And I am really astounded how little this has stuck to him and how much it's... stuck to everybody else because like I've been watching all of the you know millennial white woman I've been watching all of the true crime documentaries about the Epstein shit and like

All of the accusers are like, oh, yeah, but it was mostly Dershowitz. Yeah. So. Allegedly. Allegedly. Of course, Dershowitz quickly responded. back when this was happening, calling obviously these accusations false and suing to have his name removed from legal documents and threatening to seek disbarment action against the accuser's lawyer. There was a lot of... Because he's... He has a lot of money, and he's a fancy lawyer man practicing small-town country law.

There's a lot of back and forth. I sue you for defamation. No, I'm suing you for defamation. A lot of that. Love it when that happens. Eventually in 2022, the suits were settled with his accuser, Virginia. Goffrey. This was her statement. Quote, I have long believed that I was trafficked by Jeffrey Epstein to Alan Dershowitz.

However, I was very young at the time. It was a very stressful and traumatic environment, and Mr. Dershowitz has from the beginning consistently denied these allegations. I now recognize I may have made a mistake in identifying Mr. Dershowitz. Which, in my opinion, that is in no way accusatory, sounds like a very BS statement.

I mean, it certainly sounds like something that was very carefully crafted by an attorney for reasons that may or may not have been related to any kind of financial settlements. Who could say? And even if that was the case, which I'm not saying it is allegedly, allegedly, allegedly, like, girl, you've had a hard life get you your money. Like... That is not to say any shade against her who has been like a very brave person who I'm, you know, surprised has not been disappeared or anything.

Not yet. She has not been disappeared. Knock on wood. Knock on all sorts of things. During all this, Dershowitz tweeted, his account is at Alan Dersh. which it sounds really stupid I don't know why I found that so fucking funny it's just so dumb he tweeted this on July 5th 2020 and it's actually a pinned tweet

I hope Epstein made videos. There have been suggestions that Epstein made secret videos of all the men who had sex in his houses and planes. I hope he did, and they are revealed, because they will prove I am not among them. I hereby waive my right of privacy in Epstein. videos so on january 3rd of 2024 the country waited with bated breath

as thousands of pages of court documents relating to the late pedophile Jeffrey Epstein were going to be made public. Prior to the release of these documents, Alan went on his YouTube and Rumble channels and welcomed the release of... I don't follow Dumble. And welcomed the release of the documents as part of clearing his name.

Quote, of course I'm on the list, Dershowitz said. I was his lawyer. I flew on his plane with other lawyers several times for legal meetings in Florida and other proceedings. And then he made the wildest analogy I have ever heard. According to Rolling Stone, quote, Then he attempted to draw a bizarre analogy between the list of Epstein associates and a hypothetical list of feminist activists he excoriated for failing to condemn the militant group Hamas.

which orchestrated a deadly October 7th attack on Israel. Oh, fuck. I had forgotten about that and that was like a week ago. I want to list... I want to list produced of radical feminist, people from the Me Too movement, people who accuse others, people who believe that you should believe any woman.

Dershowitz said. Where is Me Too? Dershowitz continued. Me Too, but not if you're a Jew. Is that what Me Too is about? He asked. The tirade continued. Where are radical feminists? Where are those who think that the worst thing is... the world is to be on epstein list but it's okay to rape and mutilate and behead and kidnap and murder innocent israelis what the fuck alan What the fuck are you talking about, Ellen? Epstein has nothing to do with Hamas. I don't understand.

What are you talking about? Unless. No, no, no, no. Allegedly. The people from the Me Too movement are... With the Epstein list? But Hamad, what are you talking about? Sometimes, if you say a lot of words, very insistently, Then step three profit, allegedly. I think that's what they teach you at law school. Just say things really quickly, quote a lot of dead people, and you'll be famous. It's the Henry Kissinger way.

It's the Roy Cohn way. Just sound smart. Who cares? Elle Woods would never stand for this. She would never stand for this. Anyway, finally, the documents were released. And now I'm going to quote from The Independent to wrap this up. At the center of some of the most serious allegations were Epstein's former attorney.

Mr. Dershowitz, who had claimed earlier this week while appearing on News Nation that he wanted every last document and piece of paper to be publicly released, asserting that it would prove that he did nothing wrong. However... The newly released documents contained allegations that Mr. Dershowitz forced a minor girl named in court documents as Jane Doe 3 to...

have sex with him on several occasions. The filings by attorneys for Jane Doe 1 and Jane Doe 2, in which Mr. Dershowitz has named a total of 137 times, also alleged that he witnessed other girls being abused. I guess someone's in need of a devil's advocate. Alan. Alan, you're so good at that, Alan. Maybe... Alan! Oh, criminy. And that's Alan Dershowitz, ladies and gentlemen. Well, at least he's not got any more problematic clients now. At least...

You might consider him the most problematic client. Well, at least he's not, you know, defending human rights abuses at the Hague. Yeah, there was a lot of stuff that I couldn't get into because this was already like. 10 pages. So I focused on the sex crimes rather than all the international war crimes. I'm sorry. I had to pick one topic of crimes.

Look, we did Henry Kissinger last time and we did the war crimes there. Just know, dear listeners, we think it bad. That is the official this fucking guy stance. We think war crimes. Bad. Bad. Bad. You know what? Not. Not good. Not even a little good. No. And you can take that to the bank.

Hoo boy, hoo boy, hoo boy, hoo boy. I really wanted, I'm so glad I found that bit about his divorce in there because I was reminded of Dick Gardner. and the fact that he scrubbed his divorce from the internet and he couldn't find any information about it. And I'm like, this smells like dick. Oh, no. Oh, no. Would that be the title of the episode? No, I think the title is Allegedly. Yes, obviously. But, you know, right in there at the 11th alley.

What a callback. What a good callback. Oh, boy. What are you doing over there? Do you have a hammer? Oh, I was clicking down because my mouse is broken. Oh. Okay, this reminds me. Have I told you this before? Such a random way to get into a self-care plan. But I watched this softcore porn movie.

god probably 20 years ago i was hanging out wait wild way to start a new story we were gosh we were like again in our 20s and it was like 3 a.m we're like hey let's put on max and see what kind of skin and it was a porn it was a soft core parody of Cloverfield and the monster looked like a weird version of Yoshi but it was about these like porn ladies who were like in a building

and trying to run away from the Yoshi monster. But at one point, they get captured by... I guess the U.S. military, the way they indicate this is that they're wearing camo shirts, but they take them to like a basement that has like a tacked up American flag on the wall and nothing else. And they're like, we have to interrogate you because of the Cloverfield monster running around.

And the interrogation is essentially you need to finish this weird iconic saying that people know. So like at one point, the army guy goes, all right, one bird in the hand is worth. is expecting the lady to finish it with two on the bush. That's how they're... Two in the bush, but all right. That's how this interrogation is going. And at one point, the guy goes... One of the army men goes, if I had a hammer and the poor lady goes, I would fuck you with it.

And then they go in a back room and imitate having sex with the song that goes, pussy, pussy, bang, bang. Pussy, pussy, bang, bang. I swear to God, I have no idea what song you're talking about. That was the song. That was the song where they were like fake humping at each other. Good Lord. Pussy, pussy, bang, bang. and yeah so anytime so if i get clearly i haven't said it to you yet i'm not sure why because like if i had a hammer i would fuck you with it is one of my favorite phrases

You know, you say that to me a lot and I've just never had the context. Anyway, I'll give you a self-care plan. Yeah, please. All right. I decided to do a self-care plan for lawyers. Oh, sure. Because they work hard. And play hard, allegedly. And play hard, allegedly. Oh, man. So, one. Take breaks throughout your day. Lawyers often work long hours, so taking short breaks throughout your day can really help you stay focused, productive, and reduce symptoms of fatigue.

At least every few hours of stretch, take a walk, listen to music. This will help you recharge your batteries before taking on another highly controversial but very rich client. Establish boundaries. It is essential to set boundaries in your professional and personal life that respect your own needs.

This includes choosing not to work after hours or on weekends, and making sure you're always carving out time for your family, hobbies, and other interests, like flying to exotic locales on your friend's private jet. Allegedly. Disconnect from technology. Technology can be a source of stress, especially when it means you're always connected to work. Make a conscious effort to disconnect.

During your free time. Turning your phone off once a day keeps the rabid feminists away. And I hope those tips will be put to good use, Genji. Such good use. Allegedly. Allegedly.

Oh, boy. Well, I guess that's all for us this week. If you like what you're hearing, you should check us out at this effinguypod.com. That's still where we are. Don't even try going to femalepsychopath.info because I sold that shit. Hold on. Is it this effinguyepod.com? Because I think it's... Hold on. I think it's The Void Will See You Now. I think it's both. Oh, is it? Uh... Oh, no. Hold on.

Yeah, visit us guys at thevoidwillseam.com. Which will soon be this effing guypod.com. We will change it. It'll go back. We'll fix it. I am spending too much money on GoDaddy. Don't... Check us out on Twitter. I don't do anything there, but the Facebook's hopping. And you can donate to our Patreon if you feel passionate about it. We continue to be poor.

Hopefully in the coming months, assuming we can get traction back for the podcast that has long been on hiatus, we will do a dramatic reading of Steven Seagal's... Seagal's. Seagal? Seagal. Okay, yeah, Steven Seagal's weird, weird debut novel. Oh, yeah, it was the wolves in my soul against...

The Deep State or whatever it's called. Basically. You gave it to me for Christmas. I did. I can't remember. We have it. We have it. But yes, it's The Wolves Against My Soul in the Deep State by Steven Seagal. As always, I'm Ren Martinez. I'm Ginger Golub. Here's a bonus self-care tip. Delete your news app and get all your updates from Cries Upon the Wind. And don't be this fucking guy. Peace.