A Good Old-Fashioned Idiot | Jesse Watters

Hello, my little personal pan pizzas. Welcome to This Fucking Guy, a podcast about self-care. If self-care is one long scream into the void. Here is where we use expletives and alcohol to emotionally process the creeps, jerks, and P words that compose You can't hear. Well we're talking about the creeps, jerks, and P words that compose the terrible air elevator The bad elevator music of our lives that earphones. Your earphones are on my head, darling. I want it. You want it?

Well can I finish my intro? I'm assaulting my walkways and porch to prepare for this blizzard, Ren Martinez. And I didn't even remember to salt my margarita. Ginger gollob. Oh my god, I could go for a margarite now. You can't hear anti ginger. Mama, well I'm gonna have to rectify that. This is everybody's favorite part of every like tenth episode. Can you say hi mommy? Hello. Hello Momo. Ah Do you have any smart things to say to our listeners?

Mm-hmm, are you supposed to be getting ready for bed? Yes. Is that is daddy gonna play Spider Daddy with you? Yes. Spider Daddy is the best Spider Daddy? What's do you can you tell uh can you tell everyone what Spider Daddy is? Spooky. He becomes spooky, you're right. All right, I love how you're making these weird little croaking noises. But it is time. It's time for you to go to bed. So can you say bye bye anti ginger?

Goodbye, Momo. I love you. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. So my little cracking duck. Ah fooey. Out. Ah fooey. Ah fooey. She really is doing her best Donald Duck impression. Oh yeah, good. He closed the door. I love her so much. But he loves to interrupt. No, okay. So let me quickly explain Spider Daddy. So my child loves to be scared. Um, and she loves it when Reek uh take puts his hair down and then puts it all in front of his face so he looks like the girl from the ring.

And then emerges from the shadows to the doorway and then we hide under the covers. And then we peek out and see where he is, and then he's moved somewhere else and we hide under the covers until he crawls up the bed and then uh eats her tummy. Listeners, this is something that this child asks for. Yes. Yes. Actively. Almost every night. And sometimes you'll be like, Teddy, I want two spider teddies. Oh man.

So man. Meanwhile my child sometimes asks for electroshock therapy. Um Because my husband uh thought that it would be real funny to uh kinda hold him in anticipation when they're like play wrestling and put his hands up like he's about to tickle him. But then just kind of go bzzz and just touch his tummy a little bit while going bzz and uh now my child who is much less verbal than your child uh but does come up to us Seven, eight times a day and just ask for bz I'd I crave the shock father.

I did To prepare for this one, I definitely did make myself an act of Actual cocktail shaker full of margaritas because I found sugar-free margarita mix. That's fantastic. That really is the best way to prepare for this blizzardy weekend. Um as you recall, folks, we are in s the central of central Virginia. And um we are apparently are slated to get anywhere from between five and five thousand feet of snow. Yeah. Um it's a toss up.

And uh so everyone's acting like they're gonna die, which don't get me wrong, be prepared, right? Let's like all be all be scouts about it. Um I have bought all the fixins for pot roast and chili, so we will be so jealous. So we'll be fine in that regard. Yay. Did you hear about um fled cruise? Yes. Yes. At about 10 a.m. this morning, friend of the show, Max. uh texted me in the group chat and went, holy fucking shit, it's happening again.

It's really the best way to figure out It's like the blizzard groundhog of Texas. It really is. uh a puxatani coward, if you will. Um it's like people People uh T Senator Ted Cruz is going on the on a plane to go to sunny Laguna Beach and suddenly everyone's like, God damn it, let's get the water buckets and if Ted's flying to Cancun, the power will be out soon. That's how you can remember. That is true. I did have something to scream into the voice if you'd like.

Which is a fun scream into the void. This is a delightful scream into the void. Um,'cause things have been dark and depressing. And I thought this might be something'cause again, we are we are planning on having some sort of book club esque podcast. Coming out to you in summer twenty twenty six. Um we just need to figure out all the logistics of it. But I think I think we are leaning towards fanfiction slash ridiculous romance.

Oh thank God.'Cause literally no one has messaged us about it and so I thought Perhaps I wasn't going to be able to talk you into reading all the fanfictions about uh Tucker Carlson, The Green M and M. Don't worry. We'll have uh we'll have plenty. We'll have plenty of those things. Um but I found one. I found a book that maybe we should uh We should include on the on the book list. Oh. So it's called Fake It Till You Mate It.

Okay. Um it's the number it's the first book in the Murder in Moonborough series. Oh, I assumed that it was about like artificially inseminating cows for some reason. No, no, no, no, no. Well I'll hmm I will read some of this description t for you, okay? When I wake up in the morgue, I know it's time to move on. Uh when people think of shifters, they often they always bring up the wolves, bears, big cats.

But prey shifters exist too, the bunnies, the hedgehogs, and my old childhood nemesis Roxy, who was an adorable raccoon and a huge headache. Then there's me, Honey Morgan, one in a long line of Virginia possums. Oh my god. And who has a tendency to play dead at the worst possible moments. Oh my god. Uh, for nearly my whole life I've managed to live among humans who have no clue that I'm a soup. I I guess super? Superlo I don't know.

But when I get startled and drop, only to wake up in the morgue, I have to admit my mother was right about us possums needing to be around other shifters, even if the local predators have me hissing. Or maybe that's just one. Lobo. Oh my god. You have to be fucking joking me with his name. First of all. Can you guess that he's

To the outsiders who might pass through Moonborough, he's the scowly sheriff of course he fucking is a to be fair it is called fucking Moonborough Wren. To the soup residents, he is the all powerful alpha of the Moon Shadow Pack. To me, he's my mate. He doesn't seem to recognize me as his, though, and I'm okay with that. After all, I'm too busy taking over my witky grandmother's old bakery,

With her recipes, my sense of humor and work ethic, and my sidekick Gus, who I believe is also is a possum, but not a shifting possum, but I think just a possum. I focus on making Do you believe in magic? A success. Okay, that's not that bad though. It's but it's dough. It's not do. That's fine.

I'll give it to'em. Um but basically uh there's been a murder at her bakery and uh she has to work together with Max Lobo, werewolf sheriff or whatever. Sharewolf. Sharewolf Uh to uh to figure out why her bakery's being targeted. If if it is not being targeted by the drunk Ashland raccoon, I'm out. I no longer want any part of this. And again, she's secretly his mate. Oh my god. Did I tell you and did I tell our listeners that um Friend of the Show Edna wrote my husband for for Christmas?

A book report on Morning Glory Milking Farm. Ah. It's part of an extended joke that if we're honest he had forgotten about And so the look on his face when he received this document was that of just abject horror. But Um, I'm very excited to do a dramatic reading. Oh, though I did before we go, and I know that that one person's gonna be like, I can't believe these bitches won't shut the fuck up Um, but b before

Before we go in, I I did find this fanfiction the other day, and we ha we have to. We have to. It's called Something I do not earn by Austin 143562. Okay. And it The summary it's only about twenty five hundred words. Um the the summary is Charlie Kirk enters God's kingdom and meets Jesus. What happens next will shock you or not because it's AO three.

Oh But this has gone on way far too long. You're gonna just have to wait until our second podcast airs for all of these all these goodies. Uh but now it's time for therapy.

All right, Genji. Let me have it. Give it to me. Unfortunately who is Tell me who is this fucking guy. Well well to start off, I had been texting you for like several days that I was working on a Peter Thiel episode, and then I just got so depressed. I needed to like tap out for a minute. Also, I'm waiting to read the um book about the time he's he sued Gawker and just like broke Gawker um Yeah. For outing him, which like I'm on nobody's side.

Yeah, and you can decide with that one these text messages which were basically like I'm having so many panic attacks. So many. It's so bad. So I was like, what I need is a good old fashioned idiot. Just an absolute buffoon who's largely completely inconsequential. Um will live and die having had no real effect on the world except for, you know, changing some people's opinions for the worst. But I can't deal with somebody who's like actively killing the planet.

And so on that note, Jesse Bailey Waters. I hate. Was born July 9th, 1978. Jesse Bailey definitely sounds like I don't know if you've seen those videos. of it's always like girls in Texas who are letting you know about what Texas school they get to but their Texas accents are so thick they can barely understand their name. They're like Jesse Bailey, Texas C and M, woo or whatever. Uh yeah, Jesse Bailey sounds like a hot girl. It does sound like a super hot girl.

From Texas and not from Philadelphia. Um Oh. Huh. I yeah, he's a Philly boy. Much like Tucker Carlson before him, Jesse comes from money, honey. His father was Stephen Hapgood Waters, who's a teacher, he's not the money. And his mother, Anne Purvis, who is a child psychologist. And was the daughter of Morton Bailey Junior, publisher of Better Homes and Gardens magazine. Oh, goddam. Magazine money.

Well, and his maternal great grandfather, ol ol Morton Bailey Junior, was the son of Morton Bailey Senior, who was the publisher of the Saturday Evening Post. Oh. It they really do. Him and Tucker really have very similar backgrounds. Yeah, there's like a whole pedigree there. And weirdly Dan Quayle. I had forgotten about that.'Cause Dan Quayle is also the child of of newspapermen. And they're all large buffoon headed buffoons. Uhhuh. So

Little baby Jesse uh grew up in Philadelphia. When he's in like high school, he moves to Long Island. Long Island. Long Island. Um if you if you actually spell it out, it's Long Gyland. The longest island. Yeah, the longest guyland. And you can kind of tell later in life that that's where his sexual awakening happens. We'll talk about it. He does look like one of the dudes from Jersey Shore. Uh-huh. Oh my god. Also different state. But yeah.

It's it's still relevant. Okay. It's different states but it is adjacent. It's sort of how people from Southwest Virginia and people from West Virginia uh sh still shit talk each other and it's just sort of like, well It's the same black lung. It's all the same Spidermen staring at each other but with slightly different accents. Mm.

In 2001, he graduated from Trinity College with a Bachelor of Arts in History. He majored in history. I just fucking said that. What's wrong with my script? In the summer he held an internship at the New York Stock Exchange, and I think they call that the Bill O'Reilly Special. Speaking of which After graduating, Waters hi was hired as a production assistant at Fox News in New York City.

I think that more of this episode is gonna be quotes than literally anything I have ever delivered, which sucks'cause I I don't have a Jesse Waters impression. You know, as somebody who's heard him multiple times, I could not imitate him. Yeah, it's there's just kind of nothing there. It's he opens his mouth and like really annoying static comes out. Yeah. He's just like Tucker Carlson, but somehow less smart.

And I hate that I'm giving that much props to Tucker Carlson, but Tucker Carlson seems like he at least took a debate class. Ugh yeah. I mean it I will say both of them have stupid faces. I do think Tucker Carlson has a stupider expression. Yes, absolutely. Thousand percent. Mm-hmm. Jesse Waters looks He doesn't look like he's as much of an asshole as he is. Jesse no, Jesse Waters looks like one of the boyfriends on MTV's Tool Academy. That's true. He also looks like more attractive Ross Gale.

Only slightly more attractive and much older. It's it's weird how uncanny that is. Yeah. But somehow less cool because at least Ross Geller liked dinosaurs. Yeah. And we know Jesse Waters doesn't like dinosaurs'cause he probably doesn't believe they exist. Barely believes in'em. So he gets hired as a production assistant at Fox News, um, which in a twenty seventeen radio segment

He explains really like what this means and says that he was struggling to get by until his first major break at the network. Quote, I was working in the basement at Fox, working, I think two PM to midnight, Tuesdays through Sundays, no health insurance, freelance, ten dollars an hour. I was sitting next to a girl named Candy. She dotted her eye with a heart, very adorable.

Okay, Jesse. I heard there was an opening on the O'Reilly factor, so I said I gotta go do this. I go up to the radio studio when Bill had his show and we sit down for the interview and I give Bill my resume. Bill looks at me and goes, What's your father do? First question I told Bill what my father didn't there was dead silence, very awkward. Then I said, Bill, I read your latest book, it was phenomenal. He perks up and says, You seem like a smart kid you start Monday.

All of that rings incredibly true. Incredibly true. You can tell he told it as a joke. And yet I cannot imagine a delivery of this that is funny. It's it's so utterly damning. of that the atmosphere at Fox News and ha what it was like to be hired by Bill O'Reilly who doesn't give a single shit about you unless you've read his books. Oh yeah, yeah.

I I actually thought that the second thing he was gonna say would be was gonna talk about the fact that he has better homes and garden money. Um to do the whole I'm also actually rich secretly. That honestly you would think that that would be where he went. But no. But the the sucking up brown nosing is also very typical.

In two thousand three, he moved to the production staff at the O'Reilly Factor. In that same interview, uh that I mentioned before, he recalled I have edited this for length. This man does not shut the fuck up. So in my first pitch meeting I'm out there and everyone is pitching stories and Bill is knocking everyone down. You're an idiot. That's not gonna give us a rating. What are you thinking?

I pitch and I bomb. Producer brings me to the show and says, Jesse, Bill does not think you're articulate enough for the show. You have one week to turn it around or you're five. The next pitch meeting, I go up and say, Bill, there's this judge in Alabama that gave this really soft sentence to this sex offender. And Bill says, All right, Waters, you're gonna go down to Alabama and confront the judge. I was like, okay, where's Alabama? I d also don't think that that's a joke.

We tail this judge through the back roads of Alabama and I run up on him that's a good way to get shut. I run up on him and I say, Judge Bush, Judge Bush, how could you do this? He goes, I'm not Judge Bush. I'm a state trooper, but I'm gonna tell Judge Bush you're looking for him. So the first time I ambushed someone, I ambushed the wrong guy. The judge found out I was in town and he agreed to give an on-camera statement.

So I tell Bill on the phone, I said, Bill, he's gonna talk to me in his chambers in his robe. Bill says, Jesse, when it comes out, yell at him. I'm such a nice young man. No you're not. So the judge comes out and we're rolling and he comes out in his room and starts giving this explanation for the soft sentence and I just start hammering him.

Judge, don't you believe in justice? What would you say to victims? Family He gets frazzled and he runs back inside. It's good TV. Bril Bill brings me back to the office the next day and he says Waters, good job down in Alabama confronting the judge. One thing though, your voice is too high pitched for television, you need a speech coach. I love that fucking

Horrible Jesse Waters can't tell a story. He is not good at small talk. He is terrible telling he's the kind of guy that tells a story in the middle of a crowd but then realizes that there's no actual end and just trails off. But like I love that this fucking weird circular roundabout story ends with fucking homophobia. That's so funny. So much of Jesse Waters ends with the fucking thing. Waters, you're such a goddamn twink.

Despite the fact that his voice was too high pitched. O'Reilly took a liking to Waters. He was given Man on the Street Bits, which is just ambush style interviews, known as Waters World. making a name for himself early in his career. Kevin Costner would like a word. So he was oh, so he was loomering before Laura was loomering. Oh yeah. Well possibly after Laura was loomering. This is at this point we're in like

Two thousand four? Well, I think l I think Laura Loomer was in high school in two thousand four. Mm. God, is she still that young and she looks that bad? She's she's cryogenically preserved as a as a hi hideous figured puppet. Um yeah. Um but no chronologically I do believe she is like thirty six. God bless.

In two thousand nine, on an assignment for the O'Reilly factor, Waters and his cameraman followed journalist Amanda Turkle in her car for two hours while she drove to Winchester, Virginia for a vacation. Uh and then Is that stalking? Mm Then they jumped out of their car and asked her several questions about an article she had written beforehand that was critical of Bill O'Reilly.

Specifically, Turkle, in her role as the then managing editor of thinkprogress.org, offered a blog criticizing remarks that O'Reilly had made about a young woman who was raped and murdered. Hm. O'Reilly had just accepted an invitation to speak at a fundraiser for a rape survivors support group. Um That doesn't seem like Bill O'Reilly Called the Alexa Foundation. And as T uh Turkel pointed out in her blog post. that's like probably not a good look.

Yeah. Probably not a good look. Now this blog post is impossible to find unless you do the thing that I did of going on the way back machine and scrolling s just scrubbing to before they took it down. This episode brought to you by the Wayback Machine. Thank you, Wayback Machine. I found it it is so unbelievably short and innocuous. Not really any editorializing. I'm gonna read you the entire goddamn thing. Oh, okay. I am wrapped.

Title O'Reilly to Speak at Fundraising Event for Rape Victims by Amanda Turgle on march first, two thousand nine at four thirty PM Article Newshounds points out that on march nineteenth, Fox News Bill O'Reilly is slated to speak at a fundraiser for the Alexa Foundation, a group committed to supporting rape survivors. Uh, Colon, it happened to Alexa Foundation fundraiser March nineteenth, two thousand nine. It shows a picture of Bill O'Reilly and um uh just bio blurb.

In the past, however, O'Reilly has made controversial comments about an eighteen year old woman. Jennifer Moore, who was raped and murdered, implying it was partially her fault. O'Reilly called her Moronica, adding Now Moore, Jennifer Moore eighteen on her way to college, she was five foot two, one hundred and five pounds, wearing a miniskirt and halter top with a bare midriff. Now again, there you go, so every predator in the world knows is that

Gonna pick up on that at two in the morning. She's walking by herself on the West Side Highway and she gets picked up by a thug. All right, now she's out of her mind drunk. That is the entire blog post. And most of it being his direct quote. Most of it being his direct quote. Literally over half of it being his direct quote. Wow, that is it is worthy of uh interrupting a woman's vacation to Winchester. Yeah.

Turkle later asserted that she felt harassed, describing how Waters stalked her apartment, then followed her for two hours from Washington DC until she got to her hotel. uh and then with a producer chased her down the street from her hotel. She said Waters immediately began asking me why I was causing pain and suffering to the Alexa Foundation.

He never gave me the context for his questions. Confused, I repeatedly asked him what he was talking about and whether he could refresh my memory, but he continued shouting his question. Waters ended the charade by demanding that I look into the camera and apologize to the Alexa Foundation and rape victim. I told them I don't speak through Fox News, and if someone from the Alexa Foundation would like to personally call me, I'd be happy to speak to that person.

Apologize to rape victims for pointing out that Bill O'Reilly said a bad thing. This is how you get pepper sprayed. Like I don't I cannot believe he has not been pepper sprayed to the best of my knowledge. I couldn't find anything. Because if I were walking down if I were leaving my hotel and suddenly this man came at me with a full sprint. Screaming at me, I would pull out my pepper spray, scream, fucking douse his eyes, and then run away.

Like I went to college in Richmond, Virginia. Like I'm not playing. No. I know how to get back from the club safe. Like I can kill a man with a stiletto.

Also in 2009, same year, he married Noel Inguaggiato. In 2009, they have twin daughters. It is He loves an Italian woman. The most Italian you can make'em. But but the most Italian you can make'em in North Jersey to South Long. Is it is she a is she Fran Dresher from the Nanny?'Cause that's pretty She is Fran Dressher from the from the Nanny, but it's two thousand nine, so she's wearing an owl necklace and leopard print blazer.

I'm not even kidding. I think that that's what she was wearing in a photo I saw. But also a bandage dress with her tits up here. Yeah, he married his little snooky sweetheart. Aww. Little snooky sweetheart. Like she's she's beautiful if that is your thing. On november twentieth, twenty fifteen.

Your your heart is too warmed for everything that's about to happen. Oh, it's not warm for him. I'm I just you know, young love. Love is nice. Who doesn't love marrying a marrying a woman with a bumpet wearing a pebplum top? In 2015, Waters debuted his own monthly full-time version of Waters World. And then uh in 2016. These are just like two little things that happened.

Twenty sixteen, at the White House Correspondents Dinner journalist reception, which f for some reason they mistakenly invited Jesse Waters to. The Huffington Post Ryan Grimm approached Waters with his phone camera running and asked him to walk over to Amanda Turkle, his colleague, who was also there. You remember Amanda Turkle from Yes. From two bullet points ago. The woman who was cased down a street. Mhm. Seven years prior. Yeah. Uh and apologize. Per the guardian

Waters said he wouldn't apologize but would greet her if she was brought to him. Quote She said some nasty shit though, Waters said on Grimm's video. Sorry, he has too high a voice. I had to call her out. I had to call her out, ma'am. I ambushed her'cause O'Reilly told me to get her'cause he said some really bad shit. And I know you're getting video of this. She denigrated some victims, so we had to call her out. That's what we do.

Grimm mockingly replied, That's chivalrous of you, so in your chivalry you went out in the middle of Virginia and cornered her? At that point, Waters struck an incredulous tone and asked whether Grimm was videotaping him and told him to go away. Waters then grabbed his phone and s threw it and suddenly there were lots of fists flying, Grimm recalled, so he got into a fist fight with a guy at the White House correspondence dinner who was videotaping him for stalking a lady.

Seven years ago. And this poor woman is like like I'm on I'm on the videotapers side, but this poor woman is just there going Oh my god. God's trying to drink this free champagne in peace. God, uh also I so a few things. One, I really appreciate they're giving him a Mickey Mouse voice. I think that's very appropriate. Um I love how he's like she said really mean things about rape victims when the very mean thing she said was a quote from Bill O'Reilly. Mm-hmm.

He repeated a very mean thing. You're correct. Also, I just the thing is on the one hand, I can't really give any Fox News host any credit at being adept at physical violence, but I will say That out between Tucker Carlson and Jesse Waters, Jesse Waters is by far more superior at physical violence. He was born and raised in Philly and then went to Long Island. Uh Tucker Carlson is basically melted butter when in in a physical altercation. Yeah, Tucker Carlson, all of his rage like

comes from uh his bow tie being too tight and off brand stimulants. Yeah. I mean I don't think Jesse Waters is good in a fight, but he absolutely can throw a punch. Or at least will throw a punch, I should say. Yeah. Waters later commented on the incident. I was at this party trying to enj sorry. I was at this party trying to enjoy myself. This guy came up to me. He starts putting it in my face. What?

Turkle wrote that Waters' response was surprising, considering that Waters' way of confronting his subjects is to thrust cameras in their faces unexpectedly and pepper them with aggressive questions. Fair. It's so fair, so balanced. Grimm set the guy with the video camera said that he quote

Kind of likes Waters as the face of Fox's primetime coverage because he's such a frat boy. It's much harder for that wing of the Republican Party to hide behind some salt of the earth version of itself when the face of it is like the lead clown at the frat.

He really looks like oh man. I I think we've talked about this before that my older s sister, Serena For some reason her type is frat boy. She uh loves them with a frosted tip. She loves them with a backwards visor cap. You know what I mean? I don't know why that's her type, but that's her type. Um And Jesse Waters does look like the the

the cousin of Zach Begins from Gou Ghost Adventures, who is her number one celebrity crush. Oh my God. Like, just actually, honestly, I would watch this show like as as horrible as it is, I'd sell out. I wanna watch Jesse Waters and Zack Bacons do ghost adventures together. Oh yeah, try to try to find the founding fathers to interview them about what they really think about the person. That would genuinely be so good. It all yeah, actually I would also watch that. Get the most like.

Offensive little ghost box. I mean you d you know they both do cocaine, so like just get'em on like the finest cocaine pitch And set them free in a Virginia cemetery trying to fucking talk to fucking George Washington. Being like, I have your teeth, George. Come and fight me Tell me about her what you think about brown people

Oh man. Uh like that would make this timeline so much better. In October twenty sixteen, Waters World did a segment where he interviewed residents of New York City's Chinatown. In twenty sixteen. I say again. Interviewee Kantashim Zu later told the Huffington Post that he just wanted to get to the ATM to withdraw some cash to buy some Korean fried chicken.

But Jesse wouldn't let him pass and wouldn't take no for an answer. He asked Shimzu, who is Japanese, what Chinese people thought about Donald Trump. He asked if Japanese people looked down on Chinese and asked Shimzu if he knew karate. Throughout the segment, the nineteen seventy-four song Kung Fu Fighting plays in the background, and the interviews are interspersed with references to martial arts and clips of waters getting a foot massage and playing with nunchuck.

Yeah, I I r I remember this. I remember this interview. I don't Oh no. I remember this interview because I remember the Daily Show talking about this interview and their correspondent being like, You know that The reason they didn't they they didn't answer you is'cause they don't speak fucking English, you fucking asshole.

So it's like you made them look stupid on purpose as if like you could speak their language? Oh yeah. Jesse Waters is His idea of speaking a second language includes gesturing emphatically with your hands when you're ordering the pasta bazul. Friend of the show, Susie Cream Cheese is Italian. We get to say this. Shimzu had never heard of Jesse Waters when they met on the street that day, and Waters hadn't introduced himself as part of Fox News' The O'Reilly factor, Shimzu said.

He often doesn't. The network says it considers the Fox News channel emblazoned on his microphone enough of an indicator. Mm-hmm. That feels illegal. I wonder it is interesting, like do you get them to sign anything saying you can post these interviews? Because you're not doing it for news, you're doing it for entertainment. Isn't there

Some sort of like permission you have to give it. Waters has said I try to make it enjoyable for the person I'm interviewing. We always come away just imagine instead of interviewing he's saying sex and this is like a lot funnier at least. I try to make it jo enjoyable for the person I'm interviewing. We always come away from the interview, all s all smiles for the most part. And it always is fun to come back and look at the footage and say, Oh my gosh, what just happened?

More recently, Waters described himself on Twitter as a political humorous, suggesting that his audience knows it's all hyperbole. They don't. They first of all they don't. Also have to be funny first. Um But I love yeah, I love this like, Oh my god, what just happened is very much like

you know, you've been playing truth or dare and you made out with you know, made out with your best friend or something and you're pretending that you're not actually attracted to girls and you definitely have been the whole time. Um oh my God, what just happened? Uh wild. Um should I get dessert? Let's be bad. Mm. Uh okay, so quote from Jesse Waters. Let me get my voice going. I forgot for the last segment.

You know, news doesn't have to be boring. I am in the news business. I'm a communicator and you know Sometimes I'm funny, sometimes I'm not. Sometimes people don't get it, but that's okay. I am myself. At eight o'clock I try to bring the audience the news the only way I know how. Uh yuck. In January seventeen twenty seventeen, Waters World became a weekly show, airing Saturdays at seven PM. That's so depressing that he's that people are watching this voluntarily. It is wild to me.

That people saw this and went, Ah, entertainment. Yes, and more of it. Four months later he also became a co-host of the cursed Fox round table series The Five. Two days after joining the five as co-host, Waters followed up a clip of Ivanka Trump speaking on a panel about female entrepreneurship with the comment. So I don't really get what's going on here, but I really liked how she was speaking into that microphone. As he parodied holding the microphone kinda like a penis.

Waters denied his comment was sexual, saying in a statement During the break we were commenting on Ivanka's voice and how low and steady and resonates like a smooth jazz. You fucking come on. Come the fuck on, bro. You have to be kidding me. That was some frat boy dumb shit and you're trying to pretend it wasn't frat boy dumb shit like He was tr he was trying to make it sound sexy in a different way.

Her voice was low and steady and resonates like a smooth jazz radio DJ. This was in no way a joke about anything else. Uh huh. Noelle Iguagaro, truly my best guess, filed for divorce from Jesse in twenty eighteen after Waters admitted openly to an affair with a producer on his show. Uh you know what I have to say this about Fox News? Fox News they be fucking. They're not going to be able to do that. Honestly I can't

It's amazing that they get any work done. I mean the work is tearing down democracy. I'd rather you not do it. But like it's amazing they get anything put on the air with the amount of like straight up fucking and cuckin' they're doing. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he had an affair with his producer, Emma Digivini.

Um, who's fully fifteen years younger than him, don't you worry. Waters has stated that he first expressed interest in dating the Giovini while he was still married, not sure that you call that dating. By letting the air out of her car's tires. so she would ask him for a ride and be stranded. You have to be kidding me. I am not kidding. Isn't that the plot of the psychothriller you?

Like isn't that uh isn't that how Ted Bundy's abducted his victims? What the fuck? I'm imagining her going out to her car and being like, Oh no and then she just hears from sort of behind her, here, cuck. I mean this is when you hear the bad music in the movie. Like, what the fuck?

I stalked that woman into the garage and then I let the air out of her tires and I watched in the shadows and she went out there she didn't realize anyone was there, but then she looked and she was stranded and she was panicking and then she would have to be in my car. Bro, you're not the hero. This is not Prince Charming. This is not gallantry. This is not chivalry. This is the beginning of a true crime podcast. Like holy shit.

Waters announced his engagement to G Digiovanni uh in August twenty nineteen, five months after his divorce from Inguagiato was finalized, and they got married that December.

Quote Within twenty four hours of Jesse Waters voluntarily reporting to the Chief of Human Resources in November twenty seventeen That he was in a consensual relationship with a woman on his staff was not Management met with both parties and a decision was made for the woman to be transferred to work in another program on the network where she currently remains, which was Laura Ingram's show because she was slightly less likely to fuck her.

Slightly. Slightly. I just I could you imagine those marriage vows? I I promise to honor and cherish you for now until another producer comes into my office. I'm really visualizing that it's sort of like I swear that you know. Honor and fidelity. Uh honor and fidelity waters. Um I'm sorry, did you say honor infidelity? I promised that to my first wife. I don't know why you wouldn't believe it now.

In july twenty twenty, Jesse made some comments about QAnon, stating, They've also uncovered a lot of great stuff when it comes to Epstein, and it comes to the deep state. I never saw Q as dangerous as Antifa. Speaking of conspiracy theories Just days before the Capitol attack, Waters falsely told his viewers that the twenty twenty presidential election was filled with voter fraud and complained that, quote, we don't rebel, we don't march, we don't resist.

We used to storm the capital over abuses of power like this. He then told his followers to relight that great American spirit and stand up to this dead of thieves. Yep. Yep. Stand up to tyranny. Don't listen to the federal government feeding you lies. Uh fight them in the streets maybe. Um Yeah, this w this wasn't a one off either. Uh like the week before on Tucker Carlson's show, he had said, This is a den of thieves. They are literally stealing from us while we're dying.

They used to sharpen their pitchforks and storm the castle after an abuse of power like this. You're dying? What are you talking about? Also, anytime you say Deniths for some reason, my s my brain goes to the share song Gypsies, Traps and Thieves. Um, which is not helping. Uh Ha ha ha.

Just this last November it was revealed that Waters and Pete Hagsath had a fun little text exchange after the twenty twenty election that Fox is sort of getting uh sued over or y is being introduced as an exhibit in a lawsuit with another Voting machine company, I guess. It'd be nice. Most of the exchange is boring, but both men seemed convinced for once that the election had been stolen, and it entered with Waters saying, But we'll get revenge.

Hegseth responded, It's probably over. Revenge is coming. Just remains to see what it is. And he has the nuclear coat, so that's fun. I can only imagine them I know you said this was a text message conversation. I can only imagine them Just talking to each other while fucking producers on set. Like both of them at their own desks fucking a producer and just having this conversation to each other. Like a weird porn video.

I'm imagining and I will say this allegedly that they sort of typed this with their noses as they were doing lines of cocaine off of their iPhones while fucking producers. Allegedly. Allegedly. In April 2021, Harper Collins announced the publication of Waters' new book, How I Save the World. I honestly can't tell if it's a great title or if it's the most delusional shit I've ever heard. But it doesn't matter. Cause it debuted at number one on the New York Times.

No one cares about those. They mean nothing. Um God, that's so fucking funny. Could you imagine being such a fucking jerk off? Being like, I saved the world. In December 2021, Waters attended Charlie Kirk's Turning Point USA America Fest conference, where he allegedly advocated for attendees to aggressively allegedly, to confront doctor Anthony Fauci, saying, Now don't go in for the kill shot the kill shot with an ambush deadly because he doesn't see it comin'.

What a prescient thing to say, to the No he did not. Fox News continued its support for Water saying he was using a metaphone. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. And it just kept going up, up, up for the golden boy. After being one of several rotating fill-in hosts in the network seven PM time slot, Waters became the host of a new primetime show titled Jesse Waters Primetime in January 2022. And then in twenty twenty three, Fox shit can Tucker Carlson because of the Divinion voting thing and gave Waters his eight P. M. time slot.

That's really funny that Tucker Carlson got shit canned'cause he knew the vote of fraud was fucking bullshit and then made a bunch of fucking derogatory comments. Um but Jesse Waters and Pete Hex said they're too stupid. And they're like, Yeah, no, sure, whatever. Sure. Uh according to Nielsen, today the uh Water Show now draws fifteen percent more viewers than his predecessor, Tucker Carlson, averaged in the tame same time slot before Carlson's exit. That's disgusting.

Probably more hospital doctors offices just turned it on in the waiting rooms, that's all I can figure. I don't know which ones are open at eight o'clock at night, but there's gotta be some urgent cares out there. Every nursing home in America. Yep. During the mental word. In uh the November 2nd, 2023 broadcast of the five, Waters stated during a segment about the Gaza War protest that we've had it with them, referring to the Muslim world.

He added, if you are an Arab American in this country and you rip down posters of Jewish hostages, American hostages, no, no, no, no. Someone's gonna get punched in the face. Terrifying. It's not the worst thing anyone said about it. That population and just honestly the bar is in hell. Here's my favorite one. Practically kind. Speaking of which, this is my favorite, and I got like so deep in the weeds on some other stuff that didn't have time to look more into this.

He claimed to viewers without evidence that Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey's relationship was part of a PSYOP directed by the United States Department of Defense. Listeners, if you want an entire episode on this, I am ready. I am ready to do the Taylor Swift uh PSYOP episode. I don't care. I'm not a Swifty. Well, what Department of Defense Fur okay, so first of all, it's a psy-op. Who's being psyoped? Is it Travis Kelsey being psy-oped, or is it Taylor Swift?

being psyoped. I think it's who's the honeypot here? I'm not sure who it is and why the Department of Defense cares. Later that year, he said he quote, heard the scientists say that the other day that when a man votes for a woman, he actually transitions into a woman. Yeah, I heard the scientists say. But that's what the scientists say. Mm-hmm. Like he is powerfully stupid. Pretty sure that one's a joke.

Maybe not. I don't know, man. It's hard to tell with Jesse Waters what's a joke and what's just stupid. Uh a month later on a broadcast of the five. fucking always on the five. Waters commented on Kamala Harris. We don't know who she is. We don't know what she believes. She's going to get paralyzed in the situation room while the gen generals have their way with her.

Even fucking Janine Pierrot thought he'd gone too far on this one. And a day later he addressed the criticism on air, saying his comments were misconstrued as being sexual. Ow! Jessie, wouldn't you keep Making comments. with overtly sexual themes and then people assume that they're sexual because of I don't know, the overt sexual language. That seems to be a pattern with you, Jessica. I feel like people are reading it correctly. Like

I do think the idea that Kamala Harris would be paralyzed with terror at uh at anything, um, is fucking wild. Uh that woman eats bitches for breakfast. Learning nothing at all from this. In September, Jesse Waters went after Tim Waltz, uh Harris's running mate, who had shared a photo of himself drinking a milkshake with a paper straw.

Waters mocked the image as an example of Waltz's lack of masculinity because he used a straw, which he claimed made women not like Waltz, because women like masculinity. For okay, I will I will finish this thought in a minute, but if there is one politician in America that every woman I know would fight a man in an alley. It's not AOC. It's not even Bernie Sanders. It's Tim Waltz, America's nicest stepdad. He is indeed. Yes, absolutely. We go to bat for Tim Waltz. We do. But I've offered.

I've there are lots of things. We can talk about f masculinity, femininity, how these are like socially derived concepts. And that they're enhanced by cultural practices and that don't really mean anything, but like, whatever, this isn't sociology one oh one. A course that I nearly failed because I was a conservative then. Oh my god. Anyway. Uh I have never looked at a man

drinking out of a straw and thought anything. Thought a goddamn thing other than, um, is that a margarita? Get me one. You know what I mean? Like it's it's It's never crossed my mind. And in fact, you feeling so insecure in your masculinity that you're avoiding a drinking instrument makes you seem small. so small so delicate like a little mouse like a little mouse with big ears

Yeah. Okay. This this milkshake thing is gonna go on so much longer than you think it's gonna be, and you can cut this for time if you want to. I'm just fascinated at Just the arguments he's trying to make. Cause Waters went on to say that asking for a vanilla shake instead of a vanilla ice cream shake also makes men look. In March 2025, he's still fucking on this, enlisted his five rules for men on the five. Don't be that serious. Just be funny. Don't eat soup in public. Don't cross your legs.

Don't drink from a straw and don't wave simultaneously with two hands because men wave with one hand, not two hands at the same time. Did he say six or five?'Cause I was about to be like, He said five. I think that don't be that serious, just be funny is probably one. Okay, okay, that's connected.'Cause I was about to be like, Functuation six uh makes it look like two. I'm not sure he can count.

Uh you're not serious. You're not a serious person, Jesse Waters, so don't worry. Um but you're also not funny. I have never encountered a joke you've ever made. Um what was the third one? Don't eat soup in public. What a weird thing. Soup is delicious. Go fuck yourself. For what was the fourth one? Uh it was Don't Drink for Mr. O. Don't drink from a straw. Um, sometimes things taste better out of straws. Also, have some fucking whimsy, my dude. God.

Well, you will want to know that he added that one of the reasons you don't drink from a straw is that the way your lips purse is very effeminate. Um He said, referring to Tim Waltz again, that Waltz's excuse was, Well, I was drinking a milkshake. Again, you shouldn't be drinking a milkshake. Milkshakes are for kids.

I did different voice this time. It wasn't as good. Not a drop of whimsy in a man that looks like he wears like Ed Hardy as pajamas. Yeah. Like I will say, vanilla milkshake is a weird pull. Vanilla malt? You got me. I prefer a classic cookies and cream. And though admittedly you have to get like a properly thick straw in order to enjoy a proper cookies and cream.'Cause if you're if you're trying to give me one of those fucking regular straws, I'm like I will enjoy this never.

Uh, might as well give me a spoon because this is there's nothing I can do with this. Um Yeah, what what a weird What a weird fucking list, dude. Like what the hell? Um, this is definitely a man that has screamed Come fight me ghost uh on on haunted house tours with his kids. Yeah. And we'll again on Jesse Waters Ghost Adventures Exploring Virginia Cemeteries. Make this happen. Dear Fox News, make I know you're listening. Um Please make this happen.

So as context for this next thing, Waters' parents are actually both Democrats. Ah. I couldn't find where he had read Ayn Rand and it broke his brain. I think that for him being a Republican was entirely an opportunistic thing and then he drank the Kool-Aid. Cause his thing that he does is he like jokes about something and but then jokes it too hard and oops accidentally believes it. He reminds me a little bit of a Stephen Crowder in that way. Yeah. Um also a man that's not funny.

No. I thought that you were gonna say a man who doesn't eat soup in public, which probably Honestly, that sounds so damning. Could you imagine? Like you're going up to like this like this guy in your fucking office that you fucking hate. And you're like, you wouldn't even eat soup in public.

That cut him down more to size than anything you could truly. Although I assume that Steven Crowder doesn't eat soup in public just because somebody would inevitably come up and be like, more like Steven Chowder. Huh. Ac uh actually he definitely would do that. Jesse has uh frequently read his mom's reprimanding texts on air during his appearances on the five. Yes, I have to do that. Sometimes about politics. Sometimes about his poor pronunciation.

his poor beleaguered mother, who clearly loves her darling dumbass boy. Such a dumbass boy. And I do believe she loves him, but ahead of Thanksgiving twenty twenty four, Waters told his audience that his mother disinvited him to Thanksgiving dinner following the election. Quote Since they can't stop us, we're not invited to Thanksgiving. People are taking some space.

Or are taking some space at the Waters household. I'll have you know that I wasn't invited to my mother's house for Thanksgiving. Apparently there wasn't enough room. She said it was a scheduling situation, and then at the last second it invited me to come over on Black Friday. I told her no thanks, I'll be at best bye. She said there wasn't enough room. She said there wasn't enough room. Oh my god. I I'm obsessed with his mother.

She's like my darling dumbass boy. I can't see your stupid fucking face right now. Absolutely. I've wanted to do him since then. It'll be one of those do it again. BAP situations. In april twenty twenty five, Waters said What studies? As one of the panelists on his show cackled, he repeated the claim uh While debating America authors claim that President Donald Trump's tariffs will reverse a crisis of masculinity in the US by bringing back jobs requiring physical strength.

He also said, if you're out working, you're around other guys. You're not around HR ladies and lawyers. That gives you estrogen. Again, you know what? Nothing's more masculine than getting all hot and sweaty. With a bunch of guys doing physical labor. Oh bro. Maybe taking your shirt off just a little bit. I've seen heated rivalry. Ugh. Even Janine Pierrot, who has twice been the hero of this episode, pushed back saying You sit behind a screen, Jesse. Yes.

Yes he does. And obviously a lot of these are meant to be jokes. I'm not a complete idiot, but my god, they're stupid and unfunny. I absolutely believe that he believes them by the way. Well the thing is is that they are they're posed as jokes. But in the way that you're supposed to laugh and agree. Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? You're not supposed to laugh at how ridiculous it is and be like, Yeah dude, could you imagine if someone believed that?

You're supposed to laugh and agree with what he's saying. It's bad satire.'Cause that's not the point of satire. You know what I mean? Also satire doesn't exist anymore. Um that's a whole other thing. And heads up from here on out, this is basically just dumb shit he said, so buckle in, baby. Dumb shit Jesse Waters has said. Nothing major has happened to him since then, really, but Do you think his mom had him over for Christmas?

During a pr in an interview with the Premier of Ontario, Doug Ford, and Ren, you're thinking of Rob Ford with the cocaine and the sex workers, that's his brother, he's dead now. Waters said, You say that Americans don't have a problem with Canadians, and we don't, but it seems like you have a problem with us.

Because I if I were a citizen of another country and I were a neighbor of the United States, I would consider it a privilege to be taken over by the United States of America. That's what everybody else in the world wants American citizenship. Now, for some reason that's repellent to you Canadians, and I find that personally offensive. Bro. He committed to the bit so too hard on this.

You can hear him pivoting from it being a joke to he believes this more than he ever believed anything, like halfway through. Everyone wants to be taken over by America. It's like a weird game of Civ five. Um Yeah, no, not really. Um particularly not now. Uh also when we talk about immigration, because obviously Jesse Waters has thoughts about immigration. Oh, that's the next one.

It's not Canadians that are coming over here and drove or or the Swedish or um I don't know, even like uh like the Japanese or the Thai. Like that's not that's not who's coming over here in droves. Um It's mostly people whose countries America has taken over and then um skull fucked and then uh left. In ruins, um, who are like, I can't live among the ruins of this skull fuckery. Uh Uh I guess I'll go to a place

That's not here. Yeah. Like yeah. It's maybe it's kinda like America deposed a bunch of democratically elected leaders in allowed for power vacuums that you know surprising no one Jesse is pro deportation, especially if it's Kelmar Albrego Garcia. insipidly rambling the following. Garcia is a Bulls fan, but he's from El Salvador and he lives in Maryland, not Chicago. The Bulls lost sixty games in twenty nineteen, so why the hat?

Can Garcia name anyone on the team? Anyone on the Bulls team besides Jordan? Everyone from El Salvador knows what it means. When you wear a bulls hat it means you're MS thirteen. When you're in Cocktail you don't accidentally. Obviously Ren. Sure. Keep going. When you're in Compton you don't wear

Red and say, Oh, I didn't know red was bloods. If you're a Latin American illegal alien in Maryland, you don't accidentally wear Chicago bulls gear and hang around with high-ranking gangsters from MS thirteen. What the fuck is this word salad? Is he like having a stroke absolutely tweaking? Yes. Like The idea that like you can't be a fan of a sports team unless you live in the city wild. Like He sounds like an anime fan. Can you even tell me like fifteen characters from one piece?

Shut the f shut the fuck up bro. Also I need to open this door because the cat is having a whole fit. Okay. Taco forgets there are two doors to the bedroom, one open, one closed, and only remembers the closed one.

So he bashes his head into it repeatedly until you open the door. It's too bad that he's got ground beef instead of gray matter. In September, Waters was discussing Trump's address to world leaders at the UN General Assembly, where Trump had encountered an teleprompter and elevator that did not work. To this technical difficulty, Jessie had the totally normal response What we need to do is either leave the UN or we need to bomb it. Maybe gas it. We need to destroy it.

Because a teleprompter wasn't working? It was sabotage, Ren. Bro, first of all, how do you bomb the UN? I guess like there are like UN headquarters. But but like the UN is composed of multiple like a bunch of countries in there. And so like are you Gonna just are you bombing all the countries too? Or just the house? The house of mouse. In December 2025, Jesse attended the Turning Point USA Sans Charlie Kirk America Fest.

um, where he spoke to a crowd about the time that he visited the White House during Trump's first term, uh, which was Fucking weird. Um and Trump apparently took him to the Lincoln bedroom, all sexy like, where they saw the Gettysburg address and it was encased in glass. Quote. And he's standing next to it and he says, You know, Jesse, some people say my Twitter account is the modern day equivalent of the Gettysburg address. No one says that. So uh da da da da da da

Sorry. Waters said that during this meeting, which was actually apparently Charlie Kirk's posthumous Medal of Freedom ceremony, which a bunch of Fox News hosts got invited to. Of course they did, because it No one actually gave a shit about Charlie Kirk. It's all just a fucking wank fest. Yeah, and like Trump doesn't know any real politicians.

Waters said that he had gathered with former Fox News host Tucker Carlson, Bill O'Reilly, and Glenn Beck for a group photo. Wow. The rankest of energies, I'm sure. Absolutely awful. I'm thinking to myself, wait a second, all these guys have been fired from Fox except me, and all these guys don't drink except me, Waters said. The secret to my success is drinking.

Waka waka. Waka waka. Um it's only a matter of time. Mm. He went on to say that Trump showed him the plans for the new White House ballroom during this event. Trump rolls out a whole thing out. Th the plans is presumably and guys I don't know if you know this the ballroom is huge. Like I said mister President the ballroom is four times the size of the White House. He said, Jesse, it's a monument. I'm building a monument to myself because no one else will.

I mean you're not wrong. You're not wrong. You're not wrong about that. No, that's not true. Christy Gnome did create a paper mache collage of you on the Yes and Mount Rushmore. She spent the exact wrong amount of money on it,'cause it wasn't at like two thousand dollars or eleven hundred dollars for this paper mache collage. It's like too expensive to be something reasonable, but too cheap to be something good. Nice. Yeah.

Okay, this is a terrible transition, but after R uh Renee Nicolgood was murdered by ICE Officer Jonathan Ross on january seventh, um d Jesse Waters was his shitty little self about it, saying The woman who lost her life was a self-proclaimed poet from Colorado with pronouns in her bio. A 37-year-old white woman named Renee Good. The Daily Mail says she leaves behind a lesbian partner and a child from a previous marriage.

He added, She was a disruptor, though she considered herself a legal observer, but there's no evidence she had a law degree. Well, you know, if you have pronouns in your bio you deserve death. Um those are directly correlated. Yeah, it is. Also, weren't you the guy who was talking about how in the face of tyranny we need to like stand up and take arms to and storm the capital? Is that not? Oh, not like that. Oh, not like that. Oh, not like that.

after that happened and people were protesting ice and um Stephen Colbert and Jesse Ventura both made some remarks about um ICE in the Renee Nicole Good shooting. Waters said. Why are Democrats starting a civil war over foreigners? A civil war over foreigners? I'm confused. Have you ever seen these people fight so hard for Americans? I've never seen it and

people who put on a badge and uniform and swear an oath to obey the constitution every day. Why is this turning Midwestern? They're the enemy? The agents protecting the country from gangs and thugs. They're the ones being called Nazis. I mean that is the rhetoric. The rectorate. It's bad, it's heinous, it Disgusting. It's um working, unfortunately. Uh literally the next goddamn day, because our world is a hellscape.

One of Jesse's producers approached Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on the street in Washington and asked her to come on Jesse's show in the most weird ambushy way possible. That's nice, AOC was heard replying in a clip of the incident shared on social media. Would you join him? Producer Belisarius asked. He has sexualized and harassed me on his show, she replied. He has sexually harassed me on his show. He has engaged in horrific sexually exploitative rhetoric.

That's not true, Congresswoman, the producer protested. It is true, AOC responded, because he accused me sleeping of wanting to quote unquote sleep with Stephen Miller. So why don't you tell me what you think is acceptable to tell a woman? Thank you. AOC was referring to a remark Waters made on an october twenty twenty five episode of Fox's news is the five.

On this show, Waters and his fellow panelists were discussing comments AOC made about uh deputy chief of staff and uh subject of a three part podcast extravaganza. Uh, in which she called Miller a clown and falsely alleged that he is four foot ten. Quote I think A sorry, no that's not his voice. I think AOC wants to sleep with Miller's Miller said Waters said on the five. It's so obvious and I'm sorry you can't have him. Gross Now very specifically.

AOC had done an Instagram live where she said mil of Miller, quote, I've never seen that guy in real life, but he looks like he's like four feet ten inches and he looks like he's angry about the fact that he's four feet ten inches, which Alexandria, can I call you Alexandria? There are so many better things to make fun of Stephen Miller about.

But he does look like a man that has found some sort of feature that is intrinsic to his being that he cannot change and is so mad about it, it'll make it your problem. Yeah, but I really was gonna guess like third nipple but it's really long. Oh. When asked about her comments, Miller told uh Fox News' Laura Ingram, Well, we knew that her brain didn't work, now we know that her eyes don't work.

Disgusting. On january twenty f first, or as I was writing it today, Waters decided to double down on his support of the US invading Greenland, a thing he apparently supports, saying And this is maybe the stupidest one. We have to secure Greenland. It will happen. Dana is right, that was one of the co-hosts. She's never been wrong at any of her predictions. The United States always secures our interests, economically, military, either by force or purchase.

Louisiana purchase Alaska, the Philippines. We even got the Marshall Islands after World War Two. You don't know where they are, Greg. We got the moon. I think we own it. I know we own it. And when the world changes, we change. So globalism's dead. We have to protect our own supply lines. We have to protect ourselves from missiles coming in from China. China's on the opposite.

Uh what? We don't own the moon. W a fellow panelist laughed at him and he doubled down with a straight face. I know we own it, he said. I can't tell if he's kidding about anything anymore. We don't own the moon. No one owns the moon. It's the moon. We dun no one owns it. It's I think you'll find Tuxedo Mask owns the moon. Well, technically Sailor Moon owns the moon.

Tuxedo mask was from the Earth Kingdom and uh Sailor Moon was the princess of the moon, Princess Serenity. Don't get me into Sailor Moon lore. I was gonna say sometimes I say these things'cause I know you'll talk just long enough that I can drink some water.

It's funny because if I need to bathroom break I'll bring up the bang big bang theory. Uh'cause obviously like Greenland's been a whole thing right now. Mm-hmm. Um Because it it really is sort of again, destabilizing this whole idea of us having any sort of like international community and checks and balances and having any sort of like Stability is the weirdest distraction from the Epstein files yet. It is, and I I truly don't understand it. I don't know why anyone cares about Greenland.

Other than seals and icebergs. Like I don't people who live there. No no no the people who live there, but like why why would anyone care about it? Like outside of Greenland. And I guess Denmark who's like around. But like I don't Get it it's so it's just one of those things Donald Trump could have said anything. And that's the thing. This is proof that Donald Trump can say anything because he could have said something to the effect of we need to take over the Mariana trend.

We have to put a we have to put a casino in there. Like think of the dividends. And then they would have to go on fucking Fox and Friends and argue about why yes the US has to own the Marinera trench. Which is what Trump would call it. Obviously Trump would call it the Marinera track.

I'm going to end this episode with words from Jessie's own mother. Uh, at the end of his first primetime show, she called to ask her son not to peddle conspiracy theories. After calling Waters honey bun and congratulating him on the debut, she gave him a lighthearted lecture. Quote, Don't tumble into any conspiracy rabbit holes. We don't want to lose you and we want no lawsuits. Use your voice responsibly to promote conversation that maintains a narrative thread.

there really has been enough Biden bashing and the laptop is old. Perhaps Hunter Biden. Perhaps you could suggest that your people take less interest, for example, in other people's bodies and talk about that. I want you to seek solutions versus fanning the flames. Use your voice responsibly to promote conversation that maintains a narrative thread. And that's Jesse Waters. Who didn't listen to his mama a damn a damn thing.

No. Wow. I mean this is this is who he is. This is who Yeah. Exactly who he is. Um a buffoon. A maroon. A nin poop, if you will. Goofy. Goofy. Yeah. Um He is like you know that terrible joke which is like uh Mickey Mouse breaks up and she's fucking goofy. Yeah, she's fucking goofy. Um Jesse Waters would fuck Minnie Mouse. Um a hundred percent. Especially if Minnie Mouse were Italian. Mm-hmm. I don't know that she's not. There's a lot of polka dots.

But yeah, what a little turd. What just a little what a little turd blossom. Yeah, it's been so long since we talked about somebody who's just kind of a little turd and was not like actively unraveling the fabric of America. I mean he's certainly helping. Like he's certainly helping, but he's no Peter Thiel. No, he's not like the Lex Luthor. of uh of uh society right now. I don't know what what's a silly villain.

He's the monarch from Venture Brothers? Uh the guy from The Incredibles is definitely a silly villain. Ah, okay. Except he did murder a ton of people. Yeah, but so did Ponio if you think about it. You ready for a self care plan? Sure. Today's self-care plan in honor of Jesse Waters' poor beleaguered mother. is self care for cutting out a toxic family member. Ah.

Yeah, something that me and Squirrel know nothing about. You blocked him. Have you unblocked him? No, I have blocked him. Um he somehow like got a hold of another family member's phone number. It was a whole thing. But we're good. Tip one, be kind to yourself. Cutting ties with toxic family members is an act of self-care, not something you do because you're mean or just because you lost an election. It's something that you do to protect your own sanity and safety.

Mm-hmm. Two. It could be time to cut the person off if you start to dread visiting them, especially if they only interact in negative ways or insist on reading your text at the end of their broadcast to make fun of you. Hmm finally, it's okay to grieve the loss of the relationship and get help if you find yourself struggling. It's totally normal to feel sadness, shame, or guilt. But it's also okay to feel absolute joy and peace. Rest in maternal health.

That is the funniest thing that's ever gonna happen to me, huh? Well, that's gonna be all for us this week, folks. Uh, if you like what you're hearing, and I don't know why you wouldn't, uh you should check us out at this FN guy pod on all of our social medias social medias. Um, we are over on the blue sky, we're over on the Facebook. I'm not saying we're super active, but we're there, we're present.

Uh we're super active on Facebook. I can't tear myself away. Uh and if it's an inevitable train wreck. If if Blue Sky ever lets me Q post, I'll move all of our shit over to Blue Sky. Yeah, and TikTok's about to be taken over by um Pure Evil. So uh if ever we decide to do a video platform, don't know where that's gonna be. Um but that is a potential thing. I don't know. It's probably gonna be on Fucking you porn at this rate.

Honestly, like let's go the way of Ryan Creamer and just create a whole Pornhub account for this effing guy. That's not a bad idea. That's not a bad idea. That's not a bad idea. Oh man. Uh we're gonna have a weird time running for office in about fifteen years. Um we also can check us out on our website, uh which is this f and guypa dot com.

Um, that's where you can see all of our episodes. Um, we do try to post them up as regularly as possible. And any news about potential future endeavors will also go there. As always, I'm Ginger Golob. I am Red Martinez. Here's a bonus self care tip. Seriously, seriously, get those flu shots and COVID boosters, you fuckin' dork.

Did I tell you that my dad definitely had the flu three weeks ago and definitely didn't do fuck all about it and suffered for two and a half weeks like a fucking idiot? Sounds like him. God he's so stupid. I love him, but he's so Stupid and don't be that or this fucking guy. Peace.