89. When Empty Nest Holidays Don't Go as Planned

So as this holiday season approaches , we kind of get this excitement going , being able to see our kiddos and yes , they'll always be kiddos , no matter how old our children become . So don't be coming at me saying they're adults .

They are adults , but they're still our kids , and that's plain and simple , right , they're always going to be our kids , no matter how old they are . But what happens when all those adult kids decide to holiday elsewhere ? Thatof , oof , oof . That one gets us right . It's like a huge punch to the gut , like ugh .

And as the holiday season approaches , you're probably , a lot like me , kind of filled with anticipation . For me it's Thanksgiving , it's my absolute favorite , and for you it might be Christmas , like my beautiful bride , that's her favorite holiday .

But what we're doing is we're kind of sitting here as the holiday season approaches and we're looking forward to family reunions . We're looking forward to the stories , the laughter , the games , the cooking , the baking and all of the time that we have planned to spend with our kids .

Your vision for the holiday probably also includes a ton of preparation , extra food in the fridge , decorations in every corner and schedules that are just packed with family activities and family time . But what happens when our excitement for the plans we've created are met with some unexpected news ?

In a 2019 article by Erica Hardison from Yahoo Life , she shares experiences that resonate deeply with many empty nesters . When the kids decide to do holidays elsewhere , or they decide to do holidays on their own .

Okay , imagine this You're sending texts , you're eagerly awaiting your kid's arrival , to come home only to receive a message saying they won't be coming home this year , and that gut punch can be really tough to bear . It's okay to feel a wave of devastation and anger .

That's normal right , especially when we have something in our heads planned out and it doesn't come to fruition . But I also want to remind you that it's a normal phase in your kid's growth . It's a normal phase . So a psychiatrist , leah Lace , notes that this isn't just about the holidays . It's also about our kids' independence .

So what are you going to do when this happens ? Now , here are some important things . I want you to consider some important things I want you to consider , first , navigating the holidays . That means recognizing our own feelings as well as others .

It's normal to fear that you might be left out or to feel sad if something doesn't go planned , or to feel like maybe you don't matter in your kids' lives anymore when they decide they want to do the holidays differently this year . It's normal , it's okay . And here's the tough part you need to approach those feelings with a heart full of gratitude .

A heart full of gratitude for the holidays past , for the time that you did get to spend with your kids in years past and I know , trust me , I know that sounds like a bunch of crap .

However , instead of reacting negatively to the news that your kid isn't coming home or they're not bringing their family to your house , I encourage you to offer them some understanding . Instead , consider this advice from mental health expert Adina Mahali . She suggests taking a step back and approaching your kid's decision with grace .

Now , I know that might hurt , but instead of feeling offended , it's about connecting rather than controlling . Mahali would even go so far to say that it's about showing some patience and grace . Showing some patience and grace to them , to your kids rather than pushing them away with demands and ultimatums on their time . Okay , here's an example .

This is how you might approach this scenario . Let's say your daughter or son decides to spend the holidays with their friends instead of coming home . You probably would feel the disappointment kind of wash over you in that instant when you get the message . I know I would . But in that instance you have a choice .

You can choose to push back , you can choose to word vomit your feelings towards them , or you can choose to send them a warm message , just letting them know hey , listen , I'll miss you and I also hope that you have just the amazing , incredible time . That small shift in your approach will ensure that they feel loved . It will ensure they feel included .

It will ensure that they feel cared for , even though it's from a distance . And the key when this happens is also to try and stay connected . You can try and stay connected to your kids in this way . It's the beauty of living in a world where , today , we can stay connected . It's so much easier than ever before . You know that we can stay connected .

It's so much easier than ever before . You know that , and relationship expert Marla Mattinson suggests you know , we use platforms like Zoom and FaceTime to make sure that we keep the bond strong , even if they're not going to be with us , even if they're miles away .

Sometimes a simple , quick video chat can brighten their day and let them know you're thinking about them . Madison even goes on to say that if your child decides to have alternative plans than coming home to you , here's a great way to use this technology .

I thought this was brilliant Encourage them to send a personalized video to share what they did during the holidays . Now , some of your kids may be doing that anyway . They might be posting on TikTok or Instagram . Now , some of your kids may be doing that anyway . They might be posting on TikTok or Instagram . But what if they made one specifically just for you ?

Not only do they stay kind of involved , but they might cherish that connection , they might cherish that bridge between you and them from a distance . Now , I know in my own experience , I would say more so . Over the last few years , I've not been able to regularly spend Thanksgiving with my beautiful fried and my kids .

I've needed to spend that time with my parents , who are aging . They're aging and they're down in Florida . Now I don't begrudge this change Now . I don't begrudge how I spend the holidays in the very least at all .

It's an absolute privilege to be able to still have my parents in my life at the young age of 87 and 85 , because I know that won't always be the case . But back when we lived in North Carolina before our move to Massachusetts , we used to have huge I'm talking huge gatherings for Thanksgiving , anywhere from 30 to 40 people .

This would include family , it would include neighbors , friends , people from the school where my wife and I used to work . Literally , my wife would invite everybody to come to our house and it was such an amazing time together .

However , since we moved to a less central location when we lived in Raleigh , it was super central to a lot of folks , massachusetts not so much , so we've had to pivot a little bit . So , in order to recreate that vibe , my brother set up a regular family video call on Thanksgiving . Now , this could be where everybody can come in .

Right , it's my cousins , it's my , you know my brother and his family , my parents if I'm not with them , my brother is right , Somebody's with them to bring them on into the tech , while it's not the same as actually being there , just the ability to be able to see my kids' faces , my brother's family , my cousins .

It lights me up as we all stay connected with each other . We get to talk about the priceless and great ways we're continuing a transition or continuing a tradition , even when we can't all be together . It's just for us . It's a new way of thinking about the holidays what was and what is now . Now I get it .

This might be a difficult time for many of you . I get it right that having the kids home during the holidays means the world to you , and it should . But let's not forget the inevitable quiet after the holidays . You're going to have to work through not having them home . That's one part , but then , also , after the holidays , there's going to be a letdown .

Whether they came home or whether you did something virtual with them , there's going to be a letdown . It's literally like air escaping from the balloon . Here's what I want you to keep in mind . Accepting an empty nest doesn't have to be filled with sadness . It doesn't have to be filled with sadness .

If you embrace the transition , it can lead to new family traditions , ones that focus on quality time rather than the quantity of time that we spend with our kids . You get to choose how you want to think about the holidays .

You get to decide if a change in tradition is going to leave you down and out or if you're going to embrace the opportunity to see this as something new , as a pivot , a change . That doesn't have to be one that brings you down . It can actually raise you up , of course , as you adjust to this new dynamic .

Right as the kids get older and they're making their own decisions about where to spend the holidays , it's important to allow yourself to grieve that . That's the first step . Grieve those changes . It's totally natural to miss the chaos , the laughter , the stories , even the messes that come from a busy holiday . Okay , well , maybe not the messes , at least for me .

Like my OCD cleaning people like me , you probably don't miss the messes . You can also think of this as an opportunity for growth . It's an opportunity for growth for both you and your kids .

Every choice you make as a parent , from when they were little until now , even if they don't live with you , every choice you make teaches them how to handle future situations themselves . It's modeling , it's a cycle of learning , it's a cycle of love and acceptance to show our kids how we can change and grow , no matter how old we are .

Now , as we head into holidays , I want you to focus , too , on gratitude and I know people always tell you to focus on gratitude , but since it's Thanksgiving , it really is the time of year to do just that .

Remember , despite all the challenges when your holiday might not look or feel exactly as you want it , to being thankful for the time , any time that is shared , whether together or remotely , is a blessing , an absolute blessing in our lives .

And I want you to try this one tip okay , around gratitude as we head into the holiday season , especially if you're kind of feeling that pang of emptiness after all the festivities are gone .

Grab a piece of paper , grab a napkin , an old envelope , a journal whatever you have handy and write down all you're grateful for this holiday season , even if you're feeling woe is me , trust me , do this .

Just getting the information down and out of your brain can help you shift your mindset from one of loss to one of appreciation If you reflect on memories made . It can also pave the way for new holiday traditions in your life . I encourage you , my emptiness friends , I encourage you . Give this a try Now , before we close out today's episode .

I want you to remember that it's all about balance . It's perfectly okay to feel emotions . Every emotion is valid . It's human , it's part of human experience Excitement for the family time , sadness for the changes in dynamics , it's all part of the process .

But I encourage you to embrace those feelings , allow them in , reflect on the past , while also looking forward to what's next in this exciting new chapter of your life . And I don't want you to forget about that communication piece . The power of communication is essential here , whether through technology or heartfelt messages .

When you keep the lines of communication open with your kids , whether they're close , whether they choose to celebrate with you or not , is key . Remember , no matter what , you're still part of their lives , even if it may not feel that way to you during the holiday season . Okay , my emptiness friends , thanks for being with me today .

I hope you found just a little bit of comfort in this episode . It's a pretty weighty topic , especially if you haven't experienced it before , but I hope you feel a little inspired to embrace both the chaos and the calm that the holidays bring . And here's to a joyous season , my friends , filled with love , understanding and new connections .

And , of course , if you enjoyed today's episode . Please share it with others so they too can benefit from a different perspective about the holidays , especially if they're going through a first-time holiday where the kids have decided to do something different . And before you go , I want to invite you to join my this Emptiness Life Facebook group .

We're a growing community that provides resources , tips and free monthly coaching . Visit wwwjasonramsoncom and click on Join my Community at the top of the page .

All right until next time , cherish the moments , be kind to yourself and remember that every holiday , near or far , is an opportunity to create lasting memories . Cheers .

Let's make your life lighter , brighter and full of joy and purpose again . This Empty Nest Life is a production of Impact One Media LLC . All rights reserved .