6. Who’s Judging You? Really?

own positivity quest. Who's judging you? Really? Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you feel as if another person is judging your every word in action? In today's episode, we will take a look at the root cause of being judgmental, and how we might focus our energy elsewhere, to be able to let things go in an effort to be the best as possible. Are you up for that challenge? All right, let's go. Let's start

today's show with a quote. Be proud of who you are not ashamed of how someone else sees you. And you may be thinking to yourself, yes, yes, this is gonna be a good show today, because I'm gonna be focused on other people and not myself. Not exactly. If you're on a positivity quest, it's not necessarily about how you try to get other people to be positive, or how you try to get other people to see things the way

that you see them. No, it's about yourself, it's about turning the mirror inward, to take a look at what's going on in your own life. So as that quote, not correct, be proud of who you are, and not ashamed of how someone else sees you. The truth is, no one can make you feel how you feel about yourself, except you, you may want to put it upon somebody else, your friend, your best friend, that person down the street, they see you in a certain light or a certain way.

But it's really how you see yourself that puts you in that position. And the truth is only people who are not happy with themselves are the ones who always feel like the spotlight is upon them that somebody is looking at them as somebody judging them. And this is a hard truth to swallow. It's a hard pill, when you start to think about, oh my goodness, if I am being judgmental of others, or if I am looking at somebody else and saying this person has done to me or why to me, or this is

how I see them. Why are they always like that. The truth is you may be struggling to see beyond that person's flaws. Because the flaw that you see is one that's inherent in yourself. And that's some tough medicine to swallow. No matter how you cut it, you put sugar on top of it. But that's a that's a tough pill to swallow. And the thing that we don't realize is this happens all the time. It's not

on the conscious level. It's on a subconscious unconscious level, where we are actually projecting what we don't like most about ourselves onto someone else. So how do we go about kind of changing that? How do we basically take the mirror and put it in front of ourselves and say, okay, whatever I'm seeing in the mirror, because I'm projecting that onto somebody else, is actually something that's coming back to me because that's something I

don't like about myself. And this isn't going to be an easy task. So if you've tuned in to watch the shows that I've given lots of kind of tips and tricks, this is probably the hardest one of them all, because there's one thing that often stands in the way of us getting over judging other people is our ego, little little piece in the back of our brain that basically tricks us into feeling better about

ourselves. So the Today's episode is not going to be something that's going to be easy for most people to tackle. And I'm not saying it is. And the truth is being judgmental is a natural part of life. But just because it's a natural part of life doesn't mean that it's healthy, doesn't mean that it's good for you. And certainly doesn't mean it's something that we should engage in on a regular

basis. And the opposite of being judgmental or having judgment on somebody, it's actually to find compassion, in that exchange, or in how you view that person, I can tell you right now, that if your view of compassion doesn't include self compassion, then you're gonna have a really hard time getting out of being judgmental of others. So how do we go about kind of removing this film of judgment, these lenses by which we look at other

people? What are some strategies that we can take on to kind of help us get over the hump of being this way in our lives? And we'll get into that in just a second. So stay tuned. Welcome back. We're talking judgment and self compassion, and how those two things are interconnected, and how we might come to a real estate One, that once we find self compassion for ourselves, we'll be less judgmental of other people in

our lives. So in researching today's episode, I came across an article over on tiny buddha.com What a great name for a website by Laurie Duchaine, who I think is the founder of that site. And it's an article titled, how to love your authentic self. And in it, she talks about people can only love us or like us, if we feel we are

lovable ourselves. And if we don't fully love ourselves, love every component about ourselves, we're going to have that one little piece that's kind of sticking in the back of our craw that we don't like about ourselves that we judge our own selves about which and then turn we try to find in other people, so we can judge them for the flaw that we have. So how do you get better at loving yourself? You may not fully believe in yourself, if you constantly compensate for who you are. Do

you apologize all the time? Do you hedge your words, you have no clarity about your actions? Do you beat yourself up when you make even the slightest mistake, and we've talked about that other episodes, especially in the goal setting one and the New Year's resolution? If you make a mistake, we're so harsh on ourselves, that how can we possibly love ourselves if we're beating ourselves up? Number three, we think about our flaws

constantly. And then we get a little bit angry with ourselves because we have this flaw in ourselves. But we're humans, that's okay, it happens. We are all flawed, nobody's perfect, we typically find ourselves around people who see the best in us. And then once those positive feelings dissipate just a little bit, what happens, we walk away a little bit, they walk away, it doesn't feel like a good

relationship anymore. We often tell ourselves that we're being selfish, whenever we're trying to look at meeting our own needs our own self care. And again, we've said that before in other episodes, you've got to take care of yourself, okay? It's all about you. And it doesn't mean when you look at yourself and say it's about you that you're not caring or interested in other people. But you can't take care of other people. And you can't be your best self, if unless you're taking care of

yourself. The other thing here is, we don't consider our needs a priority. And then for some reason, we always find a reason to talk ourselves out of doing the things that matter most to us. Those are all things that keep us from loving ourselves that keep us from feeling good about ourselves. And if you don't have self compassion, if you don't feel that every part of your being is amazing. You're going to struggle and you're going to find those flaws in

other people. The fact that you're here listening to this show today tells me that you're somebody who probably wants to transform their life in some form or fashion. And that's good, because staying static is not a good thing. Staying static is like death, you don't want to be stopped you you want to be in constant motion, in constant forward motion, trying to make

yourself a better person. So how do we go about counteracting those issues that keep us from having self love, having self compassion, and being the best person, know that you're not your worst mistakes? That's not you, it's a moment in time. And whenever it's done, it's done. It doesn't have to brand you and be who you are, it doesn't have to put a stamp on you know, that you have nothing to prove. The truth is you just need to be authentic, be vulnerable, let people see how you truly are.

Let them see you for all your good, all your bad, all your flaws. Because as humans, we are not perfect. And when we try to cover those up, then that's where we start to go down the spiral of not feeling good about ourselves. So don't prove you just don't feel like you have to prove anything to anybody else. Of course, know that you matter. Regardless of what you see, know that your interactions with other people on a daily basis, matter, you matter to somebody.

And the truth is, you're probably making a positive effect on somebody somewhere, even if you don't recognize it, or even if you don't realize, and guess what? positive feelings and actions breed more positive feelings and actions. The more you do it, the better you feel about yourself, the better you're able to see your whole self as amazing. And the key to all that is acknowledging your weaknesses, work to improve them. But be proud of them. They make who they also make up who

you are. So what's our actions? What's our actionable insights from today's show? I found on psychology today. A great article by Dr. Barbara markway. And it's 10 reasons to stop judging people. Because it really, and I love this sub line, judging someone does not define who they are. It defines who you are. Because when you do that, when you judge another, you don't define them. You define yourself because it's things that you're not happy about yourself. So how do we go

about stopping him? Number one, don't blame yourself, you know, we're hardwired for survival. We get defensive, because that's the first reaction. just pause, pause. Don't blame yourself when you do that. Number two, be mindful, etc. Earlier judgment or being judgmental, is a natural part of life. It's natural, it's built into our DNA because of that survival phrase.

not healthy, not good. But if you're mindful about that, just pause, see where where that other person might be coming from, and and try and reframe their intent. Number three, depersonalized the situation? pull yourself up out of the conversation, and look down on it, and say, Okay, why is this person acting the way that they're acting? Why are they disagreeing with me? Why is it such a hard conversation, and try and be the outside observer to that conversation, and take

yourself out of it. Number four, look for the basic goodness in people. This is hard, it's really hard. Our first instinct because we're trying to survive in this world is to be negative, or to find something about somebody that we don't like. But if you're always trying to find the good in someone else, no matter who that person is, how they've approached you that day, what they've done to you, looking for basic goods, and goodness, is a great way to start removing the judgment of

other people. Number six, reframing the situation. Remember, we're not on the same path as everybody else, we may be headed in the same direction, but we're not on the same path or the same road. It may be that they're just looking at the situation in a different way. Number seven, hold that mirror up, look inside ourselves, look

at your own behavior. When we're judging somebody else, it's often because we see something that they do in our own selves, or something that we've done in the past or something that we don't like about ourselves. Next time somebody cuts you off, think about it. When was the last time you cut somebody off? Did you do it on purpose? No, maybe just been how you were driving that day, you were in a rush, need, you were running late to an appointment, it

wasn't purposeful. Most likely, the person who cut you off today wasn't purposeful, as well. So look at your own behavior. Next, give the person the benefit of the doubt, this is huge. For me, I talk about this all the time, the Bo D, no one wakes up in the morning with an intent to come for you and be mean to you. That's just not how the world

works. We don't know what happened to them that day, they could have had a car accident on the way to work, they could have had a sick child or a sick parent that they're dealing with at home, they could have lost their keys, they could have been stressed, they could have woken up feeling a little sick, they could have not had a whole lot of sleep the night before, when you start giving people the benefit of the doubt, and realizing they didn't wake up that day trying to ruin your

life, it totally helps to reframe how you see that person. And lastly, number 10. feel good about yourself. And I think if you start to feel good about yourself, if you start to feel good about how you lead your life, if you start to see yourself as a flawed human being, and you start to look around and realize that you're just like everybody else, that You're no better than anyone else, that you're no worse than

anyone else. That we are all just human beings, trying to get through today, tomorrow, the next day. Once you feel good about yourself, once you look inward and say, you know, I'm going to accept everything about myself. It'll totally change how you go about your day, and how you go about your life. So how do you apply this to your daily life? How does this all fit in? Well, the other day, quick story. I got an email from somebody that mentioned that they had heard something,

unsolicited information. And my first instinct was to forward that to somebody who I thought may have the answer. I paused and I didn't do that. Because I realized and it took a little bit. I had scheduled it to go a couple days later, so that I could have some time to think about it. And what I realized is I was making up a story. I was making up a story in my head around what this person may have learned or what they may have heard or where even the

information came from. And rather than trying to triangulate the situation, I decided, you know what, let me wait And meet with this person and try to get to the heart of the matter. So I was quickly judging a situation based upon information I didn't have, I didn't have any of that

information. So once I sat back a little bit, and I was mindful of what was taking place, I was able to look for perhaps the real intent of the information that was shared with me, and reframed how I was approaching it, then I felt better about the upcoming meeting with that person. And at the end of the day, once I realized all that I

felt a lot better. I wasn't trying to sit back and realize or think about, oh, someone was trying to do something to me, or somebody was trying to say something about the work that I had done. No, not at all. That wasn't the case. I still don't know the answer, because we haven't met. But when we do, I'll get to the root cause of the matter. And I'll do it in a way that is not judgmental does not come at that person. How dare they raise that question or

have that information? No, that's not how that's gonna play out. And because I've spent the time to start to think deeply about how I approach other people, and how I approach every situation. And if there's one thing that I can leave with you today, is this is hard work. I'm not trying to say that it's easy work, to be a better person to be more positive, to look inside ourselves, to accept our flaws, to move forward with our lives.

It's not easy work. But if you are mindful about the process every single day, if you're mindful about how you rise, how you spend your day, how you're going to interact with people, if you're mindful about giving people the benefit of the doubt and not making up stories, you will find that your life continues to grow, to be a better place, not only for yourself, but for those around you. I'd love to continue this

conversation with you. If you would head over to my Instagram feed positively underscore, Jay. I have morning reflections every morning from my meditation, I'd love to connect with you. I'd love to learn what you're learning about yourself about this process of becoming a more positive person to become the best possible you in drop a note I'd love to hear from you. And in closing, as always, thank you so much for being here today.

Seriously, your gift of time listening to the show, absolutely does mean the world to me. It's a gift. Time is the greatest gift that we all have. So it means so much to me that you're here today. And always remember, be well be happy, be you and until the next time. May your quest for positivity begin today. If you liked today's episode, please go to pod chaser.com search for the show and leave a five star rating and review. For more on my

positivity quest. Follow me at positively underscore j on Instagram and Tiktok or engage with the show on Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn. Have an amazing day.