I've learned my limitations, and I learned not to be ashamed of them, and that it's okay. It's okay to say, You know what? I don't I don't know how to do this, or I or I'm scared to do this, and that it's okay. I don't have to be wonderwoman for all the time for all the people.
Hi, I'm Jason Ramsden and I believe we can all work on leading a more positive and intentional life. And this show details my journey by sharing my learning stories and conversations with guests. If you want to lead a more intentional life, focus on being the best you possible. Please subscribe today. Now, let's get into today's episode. Hello, my positivity posse and welcome to another episode of positivity on fire. Today, I had the pleasure to reconnect with a longtime friend of mine, Denise
Gillespie. Denise is a special education teacher in Maryland, a mother of two and also someone who has struggled with addiction to alcohol and food. In today's episode, Denise shares her journey towards sobriety how she handles her recovery and how she is helping others to move forward in their own lives. I'm honored that Denise had the courage to share her story on the show today. And I hope that it speaks to you in the way that it spoke to me. Nice Gillespie my girlfriend. Welcome to
positivity on fire. How the heck are you?
I am fabulous. It is awesome to be here and to spend some more time with you.
It is really good to see your face too. I know we've talked on the phone. Yes. Connected elsewhere on social but it's so good to see your face. I mean most people don't know you and I go way back way back 35 plus years all the way to college. Oh my golly more than that now. Yeah, I know we want speak. Exactly. We won't talk about that. But I'm
35 years.
Well
already two years 32 Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No, you're fine. Okay. No, but so not when you graduated or when I graduated. Or freshman
Yes. Okay, sorry sorry.
It's been a long time my dear friend. Well it's good to see you and I'm excited to have you share with my listeners a little bit about your life and your journey when we caught up a couple of months ago I had no idea so I'm sitting here saying my good friend and he had no clue kind of weigh in on in your life count me out as a good friend. I was just a guy from way long ago you've been on a journey my friend yes I
have yes I have it has been it has been quite a quite a road not necessarily the road I thought I was going to be taking but but uh yeah glad we're the road ended up let's put it that way so
but that's life right? Nobody's absolutely Tell me what what's your life motto? having gone through what you went through and we'll get into that a little bit I know you'll share your story but what what's your life motto these days?
These days in a nutshell it's pretty much you do you boo like that I am a special ed teacher and so and that's what I tell my kids I say you do you boo because I grew up always doing what I thought everybody else wanted me to do and becoming the person I thought I was supposed to be and it has taken me a good 45 years to just you know kind of stop and say what is it what is it that I want? What is it that I
want to do? And to be able to kind of take that that idea of you know, it's okay to do what I want to do and you do you boo you know and that it's okay and it's not selfish. It's important to do what I want to do and to take that time so yeah, so I even have a T shirt because you know I love a T shirt that has a message you know and I say you do you boo it's it's short and simple. And to the point
it which fits perfectly in with your shirt, right? Obviously listeners can't see I can't see it. It says her shirt says mom, myth legend, which actually fits right in with you. Do you, boo.
You do you boo.
I love it. Yeah. And how did that? How did that come to pass? What? What was the defining moment where you were like, you know what, I am going to no longer try and fit into the mold of what somebody else wants me to believe the or, or the mold of what I believe somebody else wants me to be. What was the turning point for you?
It was probably when I went to rehab, you know it was and that was over five years ago. It was May 17 2016. And I was at the darkest point of my life. I was in a deep, deep, deep stage of alcoholism where it had taken over everything in my life and I fought getting help because in my mind it was like well How can I go away, and, and take care of myself, I'm a mother, I'm a teacher, I I've got obligations, you know, I was I was so warped
in my thinking, right. And then it was kind of like, when I just had no fight left in me. And I said, I have to go away, I physically had to leave my little cocoon, and I had to just go and focus on myself. And I had to step away from my children, my relationship, my job, my mother, and put all of my energy into myself, I had to do me, you know, for the first time in my life, and I had to be
okay with it. And it didn't just, you know, like, I didn't just go to rehab, and it was, Oh, it was all, you know, miracles, it still takes me that little extra step to say, Okay, this is what I need, and to take that time for myself. Because if if mommy's not, you know, all put together and other things, other things are affected. And I understand that now, I didn't
understand that then. So I, you know, to take that time, and to get myself in check and understand what it is that I was dealing with, and why I was dealing with it. So that was probably, you know, that that moment that day, I can even remember that night before, you know, saying, I have to do this, I gotta I gotta do me,
you got to do you and, and again, and make a change that is going to kind of propel you and move you forward in your life. And, and I know, you know, when we talked right, you were telling me a little bit about how you saw yourself as one person, because that's what you thought people wanted to see. Right. And I know lots of people, for those who listen to the show fall into that same category of they, they're trying so hard to be something or
someone for someone else. That or, or they spend all their time helping other people that they never spend time helping themselves. And the whole crux of this show, right? positivity, no fire, ordinary people, extraordinary positivity, which you've come to be Now, you may not have been in that spot before. Right? You're there.
You're there now. So tell me a little bit about what you've learned about yourself in the process of recovery, and over the last five years, and then we'll talk a little bit about what you're doing now. But what have you learned about yourself?
Well, I learned that and it was kind of ironic, because I went into special education. And the reason one of the reasons why I went into special education was because I wanted to be that voice for kids who couldn't speak for themselves. And, and then in my process, I realized, well, how ironic is that? Because I couldn't speak for myself, but I could do it for everyone else. You know, I could be like you said I could I could help anybody who who needed something. But I couldn't help
myself. And that was really, you know, and that was like a humbling thing to kind of come and realize that yes, I in fact, do need help. And I in fact, am broken. I've learned my limitations. And they learned not to be ashamed of them, you know, and that it's okay. It's okay to say, you know what, I don't I don't know how to do this, or I or I'm scared to do this. And that it's okay. I don't have to be wonderwoman for all the time for all the people.
I mean, and when I say Wonder Woman, I used to wear the Wonder Woman costume in my classroom. I mean, that was legit. I was Wonder Woman, because like you said, I thought that's what other people wanted to see. They wanted to see that image of perfection. So I had to queue to keep that illusion up. So really, it's like just just recognizing that I'm not perfect, and it's okay not to be perfect. And that that's probably the biggest thing. And I have two daughters now. 16 and
21. And that's probably the biggest thing. I want them to know that Guess what? Mommy's not perfect. And mommy has made mistakes. But I own up to them. You know, as I say, and now the thing is, what do we what do we do from this point on? Yes, stuff has happened to all of us. But where do we go from here? That's more important than what's happened in the past.
Absolutely. 100%. Right. But I like to say to folks, and I've said it on the show before. Your past defines who you are in this moment. But what you do today will determine who you will be tomorrow. And that's I love that you talk about we're not we're not perfect. One of my favorite things is that we're all imperfectly perfect. Yep. Yeah. I feel like that's kind of what you came to realize. As part of your journey is that you're right, you were not perfect. And that's okay. Like it's okay.
Right? And so spread that message to people to let them know, hey, the way you are right now is perfect. It may be in perfectly perfect, right? But that's okay.
Yeah. And what I've come to realize too is that in my speaking out about my imperfections, kind of like what you say with that, if you can impact one person, it's like I say those things, because there might be one person out there who needs to hear that. And if I can get that message to that person, then that's why I share
my story. Just last month, I'm Facebook, I actually had to go to a celebration of life not had to, but a young friend of mine who didn't win the battle, you know, lost the battle of addiction at the age of 26 went to a celebration of life. And when I came home, somebody had posted on Facebook, that it was National Recovery Month, you know, you know how we everybody
gets a month now. So apparently, September is National Recovery Month, and somebody had made this post and they posted their sobriety date and pre made message that went with it. So I was like, You know what, I'm doing it, and I put mine up there. And I got over 300 likes and comments, and just, and everything was positive about that. And if you would have told me that over five years ago, that I would have a been able to share the fact that I was an
alcoholic. And the fact that I would be supported by people, you know, people that I'm close with people that I'm not close with people who just are like, Oh, my gosh, thank you. That's, that's huge. That's huge. And it's just by sharing that, you know, there's no, it's takes takes the shame out of it. I think that's part of it, too, is a growing up, we're of the same generation where it's like, my family didn't talk about things.
And if something was bothering you, or something was wrong, we just kept it to ourselves, because we didn't want the other people to hear it know about it, you know, we had to create that illusion of the perfect family. Well, that's where a lot of my stuff, kind of snowball, then it grows inside of you. And now I just I let it all out. If you're if you got two years, you're gonna hear my story.
But it's good. I think it's important for people to realize that if they're going through something right now, whether it is they're in a bad place, and they need to recover from it, or if it's if it's relationship based, or if it's confidence at work, and we everybody goes through something. I think the more people share their stories, absolutely, the better off we'll
be as as a human race. And it's not just our generation, I think people today kids today don't want to share they don't want to be seen as different or, or other struggling. But that's not the case. Right? Everybody's going through it right now, you talked a little bit about your journey, what motivates you right now, like, your biggest motivator in life to kind of keep pushing you forward, to stay sober, to stay on the path to recovery? What is that
I'm probably the biggest motivation are my two girls, my daughters, like I said, my mother growing up wasn't a very strong person, like with self confidence. And so that was my model. And then I grew up again, not having a voice. So my motivation is to be as strong as I can and to be, be the best model that I can be, again, not perfect, but just the best model that I can be, of, of truth, living living my truth,
and that it's okay. And my mom passed away in December of last year, and she her biggest fear before she passed away, she said, Denise, please. She says, promise me that when I die, you won't. You won't be sad and drink, you know, and I says My wife is mom. I said, first of all, I know as an alcoholic, I can't make promises because I don't know what tomorrow is gonna bring. So I won't make that promise. I said, I just can tell you that, you know, I'll be strong and I'll stay connected.
And but that's still that's in the back of my mind, you know, not wanting still to disappoint my mom, you know, but again, it's probably just, you know, those two girls knowing what, knowing what I had put them through and the chaos that I brought into their lives, and seeing their faces, probably the hardest thing was them coming to see me when I was in rehab, and we had a session and then them having to leave, you know, having to see them walk away,
leaving mommy at rehab. That's a look I never want to see again. And it was genuine it's I'm not saying that they were doing anything to make me feel bad. They they were hurt, they were broken. And that was because of my doing and so I just I don't want to be the source of pain in my children's lives, I want to be the source of healing and of love. And so that's where we are, we're stronger than we've
ever been. We are as you know, we have an open, honest relationship sometimes, you know, my 21 year old and like, okay, rein the honesty back a little bit. Mommy doesn't need to know everything, you know, but I love that, that they could come to me and say I have a problem, you know what I mean? And and we can have that open dialogue. I mean, they they are my, you know, my breath and my lungs and the, you know, my heartbeats. So
have they expressed to you at all, what their journey has been like for you, I mean to you in terms of where you are now. Tell me a little bit about the difference between like, when they were 1116 and now 16 and 21.
And, and it's, it's been a journey for all of us because again, I was of the illusion like, Oh, I you know, I did my, I did 35 days between detox and rehab, and then came home and was like, okay, you know, mommy's fixed. And, and it wasn't, wasn't everything wasn't fixed. I mean, they were still, you know, so it took a few years for us to kind of get into our group. Now, it's like, on holidays, they make me cards.
And it sounds something so simple, but the fact that they take the time and they write me a message and they'll say, You're the strongest person I know. And again, it's like, Here I am the broken alcoholic, but they they see that they see that strength. And and it means so much that simple stuff, like you know, I mean, you'll appreciate this but like, when it's their birthdays, I'm like, Where do you want to go for dinner and they're like, we want you to
cook for us. Being able to be present for my children is the best gift that I can I can give them and so you know, and that's what I just keeps me strong and we've had bumps, you know, especially my 21 year old, she's, she's had a journey as well, trying to come out of the chaos, you know, learning how to do come out of that chaos and live a quote unquote, normal life, but but she's doing it and for her to understand that her path might not be the same path
that her friends are on. Again, it's okay because it's her path. And she's the only one that is that is driving that path, she's the only one deciding which direction her path is going in.
I love that you bring that up because it reminds me of a quote that says prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child. And we are we're all on different paths we we may be some of us may be headed in the same direction. But the paths that we take to get there are going to be unique to us based upon our own experiences based upon our life based upon what we've seen and done etc. So that's good that you're you've got that mindset and that girls are taking that
from you. I can only imagine that they're going to be a lot stronger later in life because of your journey, not in spite of it.
It's funny that you say that because I always that's exactly what I always tell them I said you're going to do this in spite of your past or in spite of what we may have gone through as a family so those in spite of is a phrase we're always saying
where do you drop positivity from now?
I guess I'm definitely my my support in recovery. I have a sponsor, I have a home group. So it's definitely that community of support. We say that when you when you go into a room, it's you look around and you say I want what what they have because you see you see the the sobriety and you see what life can be.
And so you know again, it's like I know what my life can be now My life is becoming that you know each day I try to just be grateful for what I have and it's definitely taken a turn where it's like less is more and just like I look forward to now I have five more years in the county for teaching and it's like I just want to enjoy my time I don't want to work until I'm 65 you know I want to enjoy my time it doesn't mean I need a large house It just means I need I need a house you know I need a
home for my loved ones to come to and for us to just enjoy our time. And so I it's kind of just like want to be positive because and let me tell you this, this is not the way I am each and every day. I mean I've got my you know it ebbs and weights for sure. But you just learn how to put that positivity first. If you look around my house I have I have signs everywhere. Like you See I wear them you know?
Yeah, you know and and i think back to Saturday Night Live Do you remember Stuart Smalley even look in the mirror and say, you know, I'm smart, gosh, darn it, people like me. And I used to think, who can do that? That is so cheesy and hokey. But now I have signs everywhere, you know, in my bathroom, you're beautiful, you know, like, let
go, like God's up there. I mean, it's just, I just kind of take it in, because life is better when you're positive to look at the good pieces, you know, and there are there's going to be crap, life's not always better roses. But if you can focus on the good stuff that's gonna keep you going.
No, absolutely. And I think in talking to other people on the show, happiness or positivity is a mindset. Some people are more inclined to be that way. But when you look at kind of the research on positive psychology, and being a positive person, your circumstances actually don't make up a lot of that pie, right? The piece of the pie. It is your DNA, like what's built into you as part of
it. But it's also what you do on a daily basis to overcome that's, that's the biggest contributor to a positive mindset. So I love that you've kind of had this journey and you're on that path there. But now you're also helping people as well. To have a positive mindset about something totally different than recovery. Right? Tell me about what you tell the audience what you're up to now?
Well, it it is, it's kind of it is different than recovery, but it is very similar in the kind of the methodology of it. I have had a very poor relationship with food all my life. Food was always a source of comfort for me, it was always my my go to you know, and being Italian, you know, I said, we, we grieve with food, we celebrate with food foods, like a religion, if you're Italian.
It's like, you know, Sunday dinners was like a holiday it was you know, you ate as much food on Sunday than you did at Thanksgiving, even to the point where 10 years ago, I had gastric bypass surgery because I was up to over close to 300 pounds, I was I think 286 was my highest. So I just never learned how to properly eat, I live to
eat, I didn't eat to live. And so almost two years ago, it would be two years in November, I was at school and faculty rooms are always filled with treats and from the PTA, and I was walking out with a rice krispie treat in my hand. And there was this couple who I had been watching on Facebook, you know how you stalk people, when you see them, you know, and they were they were in this health journey, you know, and I was watching them, like, you know, eating my chips, like, Oh, that
looks good. And they were in the hallway, and I hit the rice krispie treat behind my hand and they were like, hey, and I was like, Hi, you know, and they were like, Oh, you know, we they could tell that I was stalking them. Because you could see when you like, you know, people keep
track of that stuff. So they called me that night and shared with me the program that they were following the optive via program and I was like, you know, here we go another program like and and literally Jason like I've done it all you name a program, I've done it. So I was like, well might as well let's try another program. And and it was great. It was like I was very successful my first month and then Josh, my coach turns to me and he goes, how about coaching? And I was like
coaching? Like who am I that coach? Like, Have you not heard my story like I have, I don't deal well with food like for, you know, 45 years, he's like you would be a great coach, because people want to see your real person going through this journey. Plus, it'll keep you accountable. So it's like, Well, okay, and I didn't tell my husband because I didn't want to hear Oh, you're trying something else, you know, that stinking thinking in my head. So I signed
up. And sure enough, just again, by sharing my story and putting it out there it was people would be like, what are you doing, and I share the program with them? Well, then it became this new thing for me, like I was getting this joy of helping people on their health journey. And it was a joy because of the pandemic were teaching. I wasn't getting that joy in teaching because it
was so stressful. And it was like Wow, it started to feel that again of being able to, to help people and you know, and and it's an amazing program because we don't, it's not a diet. It's a health and wellness program. And it really taught me for the first time how to really, you know, fuel my body and what my body needs and how to eat properly and hydrate.
And, and I said it's like I've lost 45 pounds in four months, but I've maintained it now for almost two years, which to me is more telling than the actual weight loss. So again, by coaching, it keeps me accountable. And again, you have a coach so it's kind of like having a sponsor. You know You're in a we have a big book, which is like our Bible of recovery in optive via we have a life book. And again, it's a lot of self reflection. And you know, Why, what's our Why? Why
are we on this journey? So it is kind of like parallel. It's It was kind of interesting. And maybe that's why I took to it. So, you know, it's like, it just felt like the island of misfits, you know, like I felt at home in it. It was like, Yes, this is my, these are my people.
So they're just people, not misfits. We're all just pure
misfits. Now, that's the theme. Yes.
And so but you found your group to be connected to which is a big part of kind of turning that corner to with mindset and positivity. Like when you find your people, you You definitely feel like okay, like I can, I can be myself I can share my story, and kind of move forward with my life. Right? Oh, that's great. So you mentioned a minute ago, your knowing your why, what is your why,
for what part of my life Jason's.
So I'm always focused on forward facing. So what is your why right now?
Wow. My husband and I just celebrated our one year wedding anniversary been together nine years though, he now knows a sober Denise longer than he knows a drunk Denise, which was, which was a pretty big event in our house. So we kind of you know, we've, we've come into this thing late in life, me and him. And again, it goes back to I want to enjoy my family, you know, that's my why I want to be the best
version of myself. You know, so I can live as long as possible in it have the best quality of life, you know, my, my mom's quality of life towards the end was not good. And so I don't want the rest of my family to see that struggle in me, I want to be as present. And, and, and I have a little grandbaby now who's just one, you know, I know. And she's so squishy. And so. So again, it's just wanting to enjoy my time and be happy, you know, and not have to worry and stress about things that
that just takes up time. Time away from the important things and the important things, you know, all have names, gab, Kylie, Michael, Nellie, those are the important things.
I love it. If you could look at your entire life, what would you do differently? If you knew nobody would judge you? Hmm.
Probably speak up for myself, you know, and from an from an earlier stage, and and just be confident in who I am. And what I had to say. Because that's probably the crux of everything is that I live such a fear based life, afraid of what might happen or afraid
of what somebody might say. So yeah, just to be able just to speak, and that sounds so simple, but yeah, just it's not like one event, it's just to be able to speak up and to voice my own opinions, and my own wants to say, this is what I want, and be okay with that,
what I want, and be okay with that. That's like a super, super point. I love that. What I want and to actually voice what you want, because there's so many people who don't take the time serving the needs of others, where they're not really taking the time to serve
their own needs. And that's a big part of my message for folks to is like, you have to take care of yourself, take care of yourself, and you use all of your energy to take care of others, your cup is empty and when our cup is empty, we're not good. Now we're kind of at our, our worst when our cup is empty.
And it's hard. Like I said, it doesn't, it doesn't happen all the time. 100% but you know, you just have to keep yourself in check and know that it's it's, it's okay.
I mean, there everybody has those days, right? Absolutely. I wish I wish show on positivity. But there's some days I'm just sitting in the chair, you know, basically looking at my life and you know, whatever has happened, and I'm like, just stuck on that. And I and it takes me a minute to kind of get myself together to say, you doing right? You have a great life. Yeah. Okay, so didn't work out well. Big deal. Go out and make why work better tomorrow?
Yeah, yeah, it's that stinking thinking that's what we call it. You know, it's just to get out of that stinking thinking. And it's funny too, because I'll say that to my my 16 year old who you know, again, as a 16 year old, they thinks the entire world is looking at them. And you know, and I'm like, do you understand I said that's your own. you're projecting that on yourself. I said, People don't know what shorts you're wearing. Or if you
wore them last Tuesday. I said who can As I said, you're a little, you know, and I say it's, it's a little pompous of you to think that everybody is, you know, all eyes gazed upon you. I said, I said, you just got to get out of that. And so it's hard. It's hard.
It is so hard, because people do think they're all eyes and attention or focus on them, right? This group is everybody's attention is focused on itself. Absolutely. All we focus on is worrying about what other people are thinking. And it's a scam that it takes us, you know, 4045 50 years to get to a point where we're like, that doesn't matter anymore.
Isn't it true? Yes, I know.
I know. You want to be able to teach the kids now to say like, let it go. Like be you be who you want to be? And yeah, that's right. That brings it all right, back. You, you you Who needs a weekend ready to wrap up? I love this question. Fill in the blank for me. Okay, happiness is a
I was gonna go with like a warm cup of coffee or the beach but but it's like it's like it's it's a state of mind. I mean, if your mind is in a good place, you'll be happy. And so it's it's getting out of that just happiness is a state of sounds kind of hokey, though, doesn't it? I think I want to go with the warm cup of coffee on the beach.
That's fine, too. A warm cup of coffee on the beach is good. Yeah, the Jersey Shore like in September. Yeah, right. Right. When it's like maybe a little chilly and you got the cup of coffee and you're catching the sunrise?
Yeah, it's just kind of it's it's like happiness. It's, it's it's so subjective. You know, but it is it's like it's it's what it's what's in here, your heart. You know what I mean? And, yeah,
a warm cup of coffee on the Jersey Shore. But
see now I'm already Jason warrior, like, Okay, well, I'm doing my stinking thinking I'm a warm cup of coffee. Like, is in coffee already bored? Like, why do you have to, you know, like, I'm doing exactly what I
was thinking, thinking, you know, an iced latte could be really good in the summertime. So you're okay with that? It's good. It works. Okay. I'm doing me, my friend, if people wanted to connect with you to learn more about your story and what you're up to? And how can they find you? Where can they find you online?
I am on Facebook, Denise Gillespie. And I'm also on Instagram, although I have to say I'm not a very instagramming person. Like I'm on it to look at other people. Like I literally think I've done like two posts and my daughter, like made me do both of them. So Facebook is probably the best way. Yeah, if anybody's interested in in optive via and learning about that, you know, Denise Gillespie on on Facebook, and I could talk about your health journey and see if there's any way I could help.
That would be wonderful.
That would be awesome. I appreciate that. And it just popped into my head. You said instagramming. And I thought guy that'd be a great handle for a grandmother. All day. I know like if I try. Well, my friend, I'll tell you something, mom, and a big guy would be super proud of you. Oh, thank you, really. So I'm so glad to have reconnected with you and have absolutely learned together. It was wonderful. Pleasure. My pleasure. I know my listeners would take a lot away
from this episode. So thank you for being here today.
Thank you very much for having me.
Here are the three things I learned from my conversation with Denise today. One, we are all on our own journeys toward recovery and improvement, too. It is important to be who we are and to own it. And three, do not forget to check in on your friends and family. You never know the struggles they may be facing. If you liked today's episode, please give us a five star rating wherever you listen. And please share this episode as word of mouth is the way this
shows message grows. And finally, as I close every show, thank you for being here today, my friends, your gift of time listening to this show means the world to me. And as always be well be happy be you. And until the next time maybe your quest for positivity begin today.
I grew up again, not having a voice. So my motivation is to be as strong as I can and to be be the best model that I can be. Again, not perfect, but just the best model that I can be of, of truth living living my truth.
For more of my positivity quest, follow me at underscore j y Ramsden on Instagram tik tok and Twitter. If you liked today's episode, please give us a five star rating and review on your favorite podcast app or visit chaser, calm and search for positivity on fire. Positivity on fire is a production of impact one media LLC. All rights reserved.