Secrets (with Jacob Reed)

of This is Americans Live. I guess and now your first random sentence. The Great Dane looked more like a horse than a dog. At least that's what everybody in the neighborhood dot. I thought it was a horse. We were on our walk in the morning and I looked off in the distance and I said, look at that horse over there. You nevered that that it might be a dog never really crossed my mind. Actually, was there

anybody walking it or it is it's just pre roaming. Yeah, somebody was walking it with with a leash on it, and I remember thinking to myself, look at that horse on a leash being walked by someone as if it were a dog. But then they never got on Usually you see a person who was so walking a horse and then they get on it. It was so weird. And then I wondered if that was the same because remember last night, Remember I called you when I said, hey, it's three in the morning and this horse next door

is barking like a dog. Remember, Yeah, that that horse cut me up all night. Barking like a dog was crazy And my first thought was when did they teach that horse to bark? And that was the dynamic of their friendship. They would call each other in the middle of the night, sometimes the middle of the day. I'd say, hey, you see something that they thought was something else or just general go about the neighborhood. So I called him up.

It was four o'clock in the morning. I was asleep, he was asleep, and I said, hey, earlier today, did you see that airplane that had a propeller on it and it was making a helicopter sound? And I said, was it the one around to three in the afternoon above our houses? Yeah, the one that was shining the light spotlight trying to catch somebody. It is the craziest

loine to think. You guys, before you years published you first magazine, it was pretty soon after a lot of people in the neighborhood want to know what's going on, and I think, um, you know, with conglomerate's buying up all the newspapers, there's no local news anymore. So so we started publishing. Can you believe what I saw? A magazine? And right now it's just quickly street, but we hoped to expand the other streets. And the weird thing about our magazine is that it actually looks like a book.

Got a hardcover. We want a lot of pages, no no pictures, but it's the magazine. It's pretty successful with the adventure with this magazine. Slash Book turned into the magazine. They didn't realize that there was a competing local gabbler. I want to go talk to the editor of the Local Gap. Yeah, I've been editing the Local Gabbler going on twenty nine days, and is Johnny come lately? Comes in here with this? Look what I saw? Can you

believe what I saw? Book? Posing as a magazine? Why do you feel like you have such a footing in this industry only doing it for twenty nine days because nobody else was doing it up until this point. First come first Rich, But if they think that they could come into my neighborhood and start printing a competing book size magazine. Because my magazine, the Local Gabbler, I also talk about things that I see. For example, in the next issue, I'll be doing a four page spread about

a guy interviewing me. I decided to talk to some of the locals see if they had an opinion or like a pepsi choice, the local Gabbler or the other one. What is this smell? What this is there too? What's they're magazines that um kind of talk about things that they see. It's about us. Yeah, this is the first time hearing of any sort of publication like this. Does I don't really have any thoughts on don't want to way or the other. I'm not really giving you much,

so we should probably just start the show. This is This is Americans Live. I'm your host Starry with producer Andy. Our special guest contributor for this episode is Jacob read In a show will be using our trustee Sense Generator to bring you story in three improvised acts. This week's theme secrets. We all have them. I have them. You probably have some, but we keep them to ourselves. And it is safe in our mind. We don't tell other people, but sometimes secrets come out. Stay with us. Act. It

took him a month to finish the meal. He started it exactly three days prior a big meal. I mean that he could put back in the fridge and then repeat every day. But he was hacking away at it like a redwood. But started out was a gigantic mortgae sport was slowly turning into a snack. Are you what are you doing down here? Come to bed. I'm savor in it meal again. I've paid for it. When I'm gonna give him a man's war, you on your meal. This is the world's largest chicken Farmagiana. Okay, well, I'm

just gonna go to bed. Then, are we up a couple of hours? Right? What do you mean you don't believe me? I don't believe you. You've been eating with meal NonStop for thirty days. Of course you're not gonna come upstairs. You're gonna sit here and you're gonna eat it, and you're gonna fall asleep in it. Damn straight. Do you find that the taste of the first bite is

very different than the taste that you're having tonight? The taste of meal changes and matures over days and days, starts out fresh and festers and blossoms like a wine. Eight ages. Yeah right, ringing, yes, Hi. My name is solved Frankfurt. I represent the Guinness World Records Committee. I'm afraid I have some unfortunate news. There was a man in Knoxville who has been eating the same meal for the three days. This sort of thing is never easy. But if he finished it, yeah, he finished it. Where

I'm still eating. I don't need it. I'm sorry, good good luck to you, sir, and decided to go meet the other guy, the competitor, M thirty three days? What exactly are you eating? What is that? A giant pretzels? About? Well? It's good wife. Is there a follow up question? Sir? Yeah, I was getting to it. What is it? Um? I forgot? I'm so distracted by your smacking and I just I've lost all my faculties as an interviewer. That are you coming to my third grade graduation? Two questions? Does it

conflict with my eating? And the second question, why do you have a third grade graduation ceremony? I don't know if it conflicts with you're eating, because you're always eating that astronomy pretzel, and teacher says third grade graduation is important because then you mark the day that you become a fourth grader. Well, teacher doesn't know about the hardsticks of food eating. What's the do you want to do

another one? Yeah? He had accidentally hacked into his company's server. Originally, he was just playing a game of Solitaire, and all of a sudden, all these company files started popping up, populating a screen, and you knew all their secrets, all their in discretions. But this queen here, who I don't think I should be looking at this? But can I get I t over here? Alan? Alan, come look at the screen? Look what popped up? Is this? Is this

all right? Yeah? We had always had problems with Barry he Um, he would frequently be playing mind Sweeper or Solitaire, which first of all, he really shouldn't be doing on company time, but invariably he would end up on some pornographic site or company files or a government server. And um, he's either the stupidest person I've ever met or the smartest. So he was kind of like a hacker idiots all

kind of type. Yeah, I guess, so I wanted to turn him in Why didn't you guess I really should have the first thing I'm gonna do is hack into the main frame, trace the key strokes, and then we'll be in here you go, I'm just gonna you've got nail. That's cool. No no time for that now, I guess it's just every point. If you don't hack into this server within thirty minutes, I'm gonna bring in somebody else. I can do it. I can do it. Possible A

sagative one seven. Hell with it? Calberry, Calberry, Because at that moment, if we figured out that he could only do it if he was trying not to do it, what would you have him do? You just bring him to the computer and just I would tell him he had to do a snood and then um, you know, he would be into no rod to do what a snood? A snood is a it's a computer game for morons.

It's um your blast. There's different faces. Right going to the archives, I wanted to see what the snood was, so I had to find the commercial for Snood and he was right, the kids do you like games? Yeah? Are you also a moron? What? Then? You love Snoot? The game for kids who are also morons. It's a game for morons. Tell me takes a chain? What's a turn? So you had Barry just hop on the computer and he would just hack into Norad. He didn't even know

what he was doing. Yeah, well he's a savant, and we were trying to get the missile coats right for the United States systems. All right, I mean the boss says, I'm not supposed to be playing Snoot, but I guess I'll guess I'll play anyway, since you got a gun to my head. Oh what is this? What are these missiles? Something that's no? Norah had something I don't I don't know what that is. Do you want me to take a screenshot and send this to you? Just keep going? Okay,

okay one player? Oh is this schematics of the Pentagon? Just you're doing such good snow ding? Okay, okay, where do I How do I pick my pick my sprite? WHOA? This is social security number and a credit card information? Just just all good? Okay, this doesn't seem right. A few years went by, Barry was recruited by the n S. A. He want me to go to a different country. We want you to get into an internet cafe and just play games. Barry, that's what the U. S. Military wants

you to do. Can you do that for your country? I mean, I guess we're giving you a stop end of one point two million dollars a year to go into internet cafes and play free web games and look at pornography exactly. All right, Well, by what do you would like to play? We have all types of internet cafe computers. This one is for my sweep. This one is for you not like you know, partnographics staff. You can pet quickly like you guys have fugie golf, remember golf, Yes,

we have fulf He's fund in this compute. Here you play and then we charge if there yes, oh yeah it sounds good to me. All right, here we go. I'm gonna use the nine iron and wait Vladimir Putin's cell phone number. Hello, coming up at to the first the word from our esteemed sponsors stay with us at to interview. Our special guest contributor is Jacob Reid. Welcome, Welcome, thank you for having me, Thank you for being here. How long have you been a listener to the show?

Ever since I can remember? Yeah, it seems to be very popular. Yeah, everybody's talking about what I think my parents used to play this in the car when they would it's possible. Yeah, yeah, Well I've been around for a while, so tell us a little about yourself, Jack. Do we know each other in real life? We go way back, so you currently if I'm gonna understand you have a family, I do. I have a family. I have a wife, uh and a small child. I have a toddler. Yes, he's twenty months old of this moment.

What you are you gonna do in he's twenty one, I teach him to drink. Baby, let me give our son alcohol just because he's twenty one month. Yeah, don't be such a buzz kill. Google Pops wants to give me a beer or two on my twenty one month birthday. I think I get a beer at my twenty one one month. But we taught him to drive when he was sixteen months. We gave him a cigarette when he turned eighteen months, and I did that about you, Pop. He's gonna rent a car when he's twenty five months.

We did a keen say at fifteen, we did at bar Mitzva at thirteen. We covered other bases. Basically, Yeah, I want to be a good dad. Sod you meet you life. This is a real now, everything's real, Okay. I'm sorry to be still thrown by it. And it's okay. I wasn't really your baby just now though, I but you sounded just like Jim, I was. I was playing the part of it. Sounded exactly like my son. Sometimes the producer will take us back to a moment in time that you may have just mentioned. Just know that

got it and that's just him. That's end me. It's him, got it okay, because I would just prefer to stay in the interview. Got it right? How did you meet your wife? We met in college class. We never had any classes together that I know of, um, but we It was in the early days of Facebook, where you like run into someone once you know their first name and like that's it, and you truly could stock them. It wasn't as creepy. I mean, maybe it was, but

it didn't feel as creepy back then. Everyone of any gender, like you meet someone, you look them up and then your friends on Facebook and you might not ever talk to them again. How long were you stalking her line before you actually popped the question? Hi? All right, Hi, I'm the maid of honor. I'd like to make a toast please the happy futle. So I remember when you came back to our dorm and you told me you

barely came into contact with a man. And now you're pretty scared because he's watching you and stalking you, and you think he might be the one. And I just want to say, I am so glad that the judge didn't enforce the restraining order, because had he done that, we wouldn't all be here today. Thank you, Jacob. We're all still kind of scared, but we know that eventually, once she gets to know you, you you will be perfect for each other. And that's all. That's all I got.

That's all good. Thank you so much. Can you again, places, I'm going on honeymoon. Okay, whereas if you don't hear from two weeks, oh, my parents tell absolutely happened to me. I will just be careful, don't be Okay. This is the happiest, the scariest day in my way. I'm pretty scared too. Besties forever. Is that kind of help? Only

a couple of things. Differently, as you know that she was going to be the one for you, I feel like I knew really early on, like the cliche of like just you know, we had been dating for uh, well maybe not that we were going to get married, but we had been dating for a couple of weeks, and I was like, ah, shit, like I I don't think I wanted a serious relationship at that point, and um,

you were bit huh, you were bitten. It's just it just felt like a connection where it was like, oh, this is gonna be like a really long this is gonna be a long thing. So you're just like living your single guy life. You know, You've just got in a few dates with her, you're dating two three weeks, and you're up getting your normal Saturday morning cereal, and the love bug just came into me. Yeah, I mean pretty much works. So, um the famous fable of the

love bug. Can you walk us through that day when you were the cereal? J Christ Please? I wake up at four thirty in the morning, which is what I always do to get my crisp backs. What I do is I wake up at four dirty in the morning. Got you sucker your mother. I don't try to bite me asshole night. Listen. I'm gonna go right, go left. But we are going to bite. We are going to bite glove bug scrabble ensemble and this feels like a

different bowl of cereal day. At that point, did you realize that you wanted to eat that bowl with two spoons and you're not necessarily holding the other spoon. Yeah, so you got bit by this legion of bucks. Yeah, I mean we didn't. We didn't. Um. Let's say we started dating in the end of eleven and then we got married. So I must have proposed when I met her. How long had you had you guys been dating? Do you remember that day? I don't know. I don't know what.

What was your impression of our relationship when you met us as a couple, because you had known me? If I'm being completely honest and not being does not meet me being cheesy. I knew you guys are gonna get married, okay, and next toast is from ari Ye all right, Um, I remember when I saw you guys at D E T s Um. I knew you guys are gonna get married. I didn't tell her that I knew, Nor did I tell you that I knew Jacob, But I knew. And

that's how well. If you want to listen to my recording that I did right after I had met you two at ts uh here, let me just play it for you and twelve. I can't remember my month is or what day A little drunk I just left tuts. I saw Jacob and his wife for his future wife, Heather. I'm pretty sure they're gonna get married. End of recording. How are your toast has run a little long? We're gonna want to all right, thank you so much. This

is Jacob and Heather's wedding day with us. My producer wants me to ask you about being a father because he is also a father, So you guys can share fader about being fathers. Oh, father father. What's been the most surprisingly challenging thing about being a new parent. I think the most surprisingly hard thing is how much baggage you have from how you were raised that you didn't even know existed. I think baggage is kind of comes

with territory when you when your parents. I know, my dad brought baggage into the relationship, and I bring baggage to the relationship to my kids. Guys, when I talk to my dad, Yeah, yeah you have Do you have footage of of your dad? So are we talking to him. Are we listening to a recording of him? My dad's here? Oh? Hey, are you doing? I'm ahere is dead, I'm always dead. You're always Dadira? Hi, what's it? What's your name? My name is Irah. My son's are so I raised my kid.

They're very nice to meet you. You're very welcome you, guys. I didn't thank you. Would you like meeting my son? We already know your son pretty well. Hey, let's up, guys. Are can I talk to your dad again? Yeah? I really want to get to know. Are you doing? I'm I'm always dead. Thank you for being part of the show. Thanks for having me. Yeah, it's great coming up at three? The first A word from our sponsors, who make this high quality program possible. Stay with us. At three, the

sun had set, and so had his dreams. He had a lot of aspirations to be bigger things and more important than what he was, but anymore, I guess I just need to face it. I'm never going to be there. Don't say it, don't see it. I'm sorry. I just have to face facts. You're gonna be the best juggler. No, I'm never you are though, just I can't even grab any three things. Okay, this this knife, stapler, grab a stapler and this this other knife. Go for it. Yeah,

any minute, I'm doing it. I'm doing it. Look I'm doing it. At that moment, he stabbed himself with the knife. Look at god. I told you I tuldn't do it. Who's a lot of blood? Man? Just take Okay, I'm taking the doctor. No I'll take too late. No, I'm taking you. I'm taking you. Okay, he's gonna carry me to the car. Sorry, sorry, taking in. Yeah. So he's he's giving up his dreams. And he was gonna be a really good juggler. And then I gave him like three things to juggle one of them two of them

are knives. And then he stabbed himself by accident? Would you classify this as an emergency? Yes, he's bleeding everywhere. My parents, all right, he's being dramatic. Can we please get him into the hospital. Please? The ductor will see you know? All right? What should problem? He was juggling two knives and a stapler and then and then and then wait what is this place too? Like a carnival? Come right? Is this the car's a carnal? Hospital? I

just gonna fell a little weird. But the way she's like, come this way, so it's like maybe we lost a lot of bloody or we're gonna have to do a transfusion. Bear the nurse come in here, we please, uh I need blood for this coming right. Everyone said that this hospital feels like a circus, and we just thought, lean in, you know, and did you know that you're going to be treating a lot of like carnival performance type injuries. I guess that just worked out. I guess you build

the crick at tent and you're gonna get clowns. That's what they say. Doctor, doctor, you've got to help my son. He put his head in inside of a lion's mouth, and he's said, oh, good time to get his head out. We're gonna do it. Those are two of our best surgeons, and did their big hands get in the way of doing delicate surgery. They did scalpel. Here you go, sus body. But they also performed the first balloon ectomy, and that's removing a balloon, removing a balloon that they had put

in person and replacing it with a new balloon. Dcor this lama, it's to come out stand okay, to be replaced with a draft. So he opened up two branches. Yeah, we opened up two branches, Circus Hospital North and Circus Hospital and Circus Hospital South. We changed the name of Circus Hospital South after a famous musician named their child

and copyrighted Circus Hospital South. And so we now have Circus hause Bittle North and then other Hospital, which is not a great name, but everyone knows what Everyone knows that that's the other hospital. Like if you say, if you say where, like where are you? Where's your grandma hat? She's at the other hospital. That's the name of the hospital. I'm trying to figure out what's what's the name of that one, the other hospital? What's what do you call

that one? Well, one is called Circus Hospital North, and then the other hospital is called the other hospital. Yes, receptionist, time, I'm here to here to see my grandmother. She's slipped and fell in in the tub. You're gonna want to call the other hospital? Okay, which one? The other hospital? Which one? You just want to You're gonna want to call the other hospital. Which hospitals that my grandmother? You have a pen? Yeah, okay, let me spell it for you. T Space O T H E R. I don't want

to talk to this hospital. Yeah, O S P I T A. Which which one is it? It's the other hospital. My grandson going to crum Vision where I'm sorry, man, we don't we don't know. Just hang on, just hang on a little bit longer. The other hospital had inferently turned into a place for people who have been abandoned by family. I've been a private investigator for twenty three years, and most of our cases over the last three years I've ended up just at the other hospital. That's one

of the first places we checked. Now, whenever we're looking for a missing person, a lot of people get caught in the Abbot and Costello loop of the name of the hospital, and um, that's where they lose them. I would say most of our businesses at this point people who end up in the other hospital, and some of the time they go missing for years. Luck. All right, there's meeting of the board of the other hospital. Isn't session I as the CEO of this hospital? Oh well

now again, Yes you're on? Can they hear me? Yes, you're on? Who's this? This is Frank? All right, We're gonna go over the minutes from the last meeting. H you've discussed changing the name of the other hospital. Any any suggestions I move that we call it the other place. I think it should be called not that one. There's one vote for not that one. I think it should be called the hospital on the other side of town.

One vote for the hospital on the other side of town. Oh, you know what I'd like to I'd like to add maybe calling it you know there, can we talk about our ID issues in the other hospital. If we had some kind of like database where Jurgis Hospital South Jurkis Hospital North could have all of the you know, then they would know who which patients are at other hospital. We just need somebody. Yeah, hey, I'm here to play Who called you? Who are you? His name tag says Berry. Yeah, yeah,

I'm Berry. I'm here to I'm here to play mind sleeper. And I was bringing it up in a company meeting and you just show up. It's almost like you've been listening to us or something. I was called to come in and play freesel and then maybe I can basically hack into the system hospital Navy database now straightening out all of this hospital. Maybe business bow, let's have a

big hand for this moron who bailed us out? Or producer Andy and their special guest contributor to Jacob reed, I'm your host, Ary and this was this is Americans life during this Next time, guys, I'm sorry, but this episode is a little short, so we're gonna have to do some more random sense is okay? Here? Jason lived his life by the motto anything worth doing is worth doing poorly. That's what he used to tell himself and of like a mantra to failure. As long as you

keep your expectations low, you'll never fail. I mean you'll fail, but you'll you'll be okay with failing. Did you discover this mantra on your own or did it somebody give this to you? I just discovered it on my own. It was a lot of trial and error and error and error and error and error, and I just kind of landed on this. Is there anything that you find worth doing well? No? You know what, I take that back. There is one thing I do very well, and that's

failic things. In fact, my wife here, I'm just a really really bad husband. It's true, terrible husband, one of the worst, emotionally abusive, but never on purpose, which is why I love him. I try to be a good man, but I just don't. Did you ever find that your husband's ability to do things terribly and to fail tremendously did you feel like that's why you're feeling on? Okay, honey, what he's doing right now is he's asking you a question and then you're going to go ahead and be

honest and answer. So I'm just man explaining to my wife, which is perfect because because you're not supposed to do it, I'm supposed to do that, and I'm doing it anyway. And he set a goal, but I make a game out of it. I asked him, do you think you could be the worst love maker? And I said, challenge accepted, and boy, oh boy, the best night of our lives. It was the best any life because I had sex with my wife and I did very well that it. He did very very I did very well. So I

did very good at sexy. So it's stands argue that there are some things that you do well by virtue of doing them poorly. Jesus Christ, I guess you're right, aren't you. Please don't ruin this for me? Still short, here's another word. He found a lepricon in his walnut shell, much like how some people find the mother Mary on a Georgilla finding hard hide, heard hide harder. Did you enjoy your walnut? No, it's a real African hurt. Not only did it look like it. First, I thought I'm

the luckiest guy in the world. I opened up a walnut, and inside the walnut it looked like a lepricon, which means I've been blessed by the lepricns luck. And sure enough, a moment later it came to life hide heard it gerty hard And now because you have found me, you will be blessed with a part of sup. Oh what kind potato leak? Do I get to pick? Chicken tortilla? Chicken tortilla soup with the with the crispies, with the crispies. They're always after me lucky shoops. That sounds so familiar,

and I don't. It's one of those It's like um an earworm, where I know what it is, but I don't know what it is. Well, I don't know what I mean. What do you think I am some sort of a stereotype. They're always after my lucky soup? Maybe that is it? Anyway, you can see why I feel so lucky. Bad news, guys, he had unknowingly taken up sleepwalking as a nighttime hobby. What what is it? What do you what do you what? What do you want?

What do you want? Oh? No, you sleepwalking again? All right, We're just go just just let's just get you back to sleep. Just go all right. I thought i'd walk to the mall. I thought i'd walked to the mall. No, just go to just go to back to bed. Please, for the love of God, I'll try. Put the keys down and go back to sleep. I'm going to drive to the mall. No, you don't need to drive to the mall. You're sleepwalking again. Put the keys down and

go back to sleep. I know. The doctor said that it would feel very important to do the things that I think I have to do. And that's how you know I'm sleepwalking, but I think I'm awake, and I know because I need to go to the mall. All right. So I'm looking over your chart here, and UM, I don't know how to tell you this, but you're gonna really feel like it's very important to do the things that you need to do in the middle of the night.

That's how I know, obvious sleepwalking. Yeah, that's how you'll know. I feel like it happens, then you're sleepwalker. Okay, okay, so you're gonna want to go to the front desk for billings. How do I know that I'm not sleep walking? Now? That depends. Do you feel like you have to be here at the doctor's office? Yeah? Oh my god. The court said I had to find out what was going on with this. You might be sleepwalking right now, and you just told me it's very important to go to

the billing station. Do you agree that it's important for you to go to the building stage? I think so. Oh my god, you might be sleepwalking right now. It was the only hospital or doctor's office that was open at four in the morning. The gentleman was clearly sleepwalking. Oh Jesus, where you look at the time, it's four in the morning. Clearly you're sleepwalking. Okay, I think that's enough. Let's do the outro again Producer Andy and their special

guest contributor to Jacob Reid. I'm your host, story and this was This is Americans Live joined us next time. This Is Americans Live can be found wherever you get your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe, rate and review. You can also find this is americans Live on Instagram at this is americans Live and on Twitter at americans Live.