Madame Web: "Cassie's Angels" and a Box Office Tragedy We All Foresaw

Well , I kind of was , but I wanted to watch Madam Web on Valentine's Day . Valentine's day nah , I would have waited at least a day . But even then the reviews and the memes and whatnot just flooded in and people were saying like , oh yeah , this movie was dog shit . So I was like , okay , well , I guess I can take my time watching this film .

But by the time I got around to have the availability to go watch it in the theaters , it was already gone . So I went oh no , wasted opportunity . But then it came on netflix and even then I didn't like rush to watch this film . It was more like it was a little giving it too much credit .

I didn't even rush to watch this movie because it's one of those movies to where the question isn't is it good or bad , the question is how bad it is . I'd give it an , a plus , and by a plus I mean awkward plus , jarring plus . Why did y'all bother ? Let me go ahead and zone in on this one . First of all , I'm gonna keep this short and sweet .

I'm gonna try to focus on the characters , mainly because that's what it really boils down to , why I don't like this movie , aside from you know the dialogue , which is so awkward that just feels like is this , this how people talk to each other ? It's really okay . And then I'm not gonna tell y'all anything that y'all probably already heard .

But then again , if y'all want to hear my opinion on Madam Web here , it is First of all with the showrunner , the director , the screenplay writer , blah blah blah , and their repertoire , their filmography , their track record of film and TV shows does not inspire confidence , especially when two of the guys that was on the screenplay pretty much did Dracula Untold and

Morbius . So that should tell you how bad this was . And that's the craziest part , because when I watch Dracula Untold , one time I'm like maybe I just glossed over a whole bunch of flaws , but I don't know . I didn't hate it , but yeah .

But then I watched Morbius like late , and I kind of see why this film deserved all the hate that it got because , my god , it just felt like they just slapped some shit together just for the hell of it , and that's kind of how madame webb feels .

It just felt like it felt like fan service that somebody probably wanted because , you know , you have madame webb . Well , excuse me , cassie , I'm even digging apart the fact that she this , this is not Madam Web .

Madam Web is an old lady in a fucking mechanical chair , blind and all that other shit , and this version of it is like awkward , almost cringe level . Awkward , like straight up .

First of all , the fact that Madam Web in the comics was born blind and this film , she didn't go blind until she got hit in the face by fireworks underwater , mind you and he just comes up like kind of awkward to where , like she was at this party and she was explaining how , yeah , she was like a foster kid .

By the way , that's the one thing I want to clarify with this is like , okay , mama webb went into peru nine months into a pregnancy , but she gotta find this spider to help her daughter from developing this uh genetic condition which , by the way , it's not a genetic condition , it's an auto immune disease . So get your ass straight .

Film , and I'm sorry , I keep saying film , I'm gonna give that much credit , but at this point , so forth happened , whatever . Anyways went to the peru to find this spider . And here's the thing if this spider is so rare , how do you know that it's venom will give people like superpowers or cure hundreds of diseases , and all that ?

How are you so sure about that already ? And another thing how are you able to get a diagnosis on the baby before it's born ? Like how do y'all do that , like I don't get that shit ? Y'all do that like I don't get that shit .

Anyways , mama webb was trying to find this spider to help her daughter from preventing herself from being like permanently , uh , confined to a chair and all that . And then fucking ezekiel sims wanted the spider because , oh well , nobody helped me and my family when we were like starving and my family fucking died of starvation .

So I'm gonna be a selfish dick and gain money and power , just for the hell of it . It's like this dude is like a childish cartoonish villain , and that's once again giving him too much credit , because I won't even call him a villain .

It's more like he's just a megalomaniac that's just tripping over nightmares that he's having about these three girls killing them , killing him with uh spider powers and shit . So he's like , oh well , I gotta kill these girls before they kill me .

And , bro , he gotta mention that every fucking time he's on the fucking screen Like goddamn , like dude , sounds like a broken record . Dude , sounds like he's trying to act , but it's not working for him .

Dude , this dude is about as threatening as he is smart , and that's not saying a whole lot , because this is the same dude who thought the smart idea was when he hunted down the girls for the third time .

This was back when it was like in the streets and Ben , uncle Ben , was trying to take his sister-in-law , mary Parker , to the hospital because Mary was about to give birth to you know who can't even say that because of licensing , well , I can say that , but they can't . They can't even say Aunt May .

Like that one scene when Ben and Cassie was talking to each other at work and Ben was like saying , oh well , I met somebody and it's getting real serious and all that . But when Cassie was like what's her name ? And he was like , hmm , I can't say that because you know , ah , fuck this movie . But where was I ?

Oh yeah , uh , ezekiel trying to kill uh , julia Cornwall , who's actually Julia Carpenter in the , I don't know , they felt the need that they have to paint her last name , but okay , it was on your Corazon , I'll get to random one . And then there's Maddie Hamilton , like something . Fuck .

Anyways , julia , anya , maddie , trying to hunt these three girls down and kill them Before they kill him . Let me talk about the girls Real quick . First of all , all julia , you were saying , oh well , you know why y'all got sydney sweeney in this frumpy nerd clothing , like y'all really trying to cover up the tits and shit .

And , by the way , can I just say on the record , I had no idea who Sidney Sweeney was until this film , and that's because I didn't care for you , gloria . I didn't care for anywhere but you , or anyone but you . Whatever that movie called , I did not care , I didn't care .

And even now I'm like I mean , she's all right , but I'm like y'all calm down , I can feel thirsty for some reason .

Whatever , julia is my favorite character by default , mainly because when all the other girls were real confused by Cassie's actions which is fair , because Cassie failed to explain the situation in a proficient and effective manner and then Julia was the one was like well , hold on .

We just saw a man crawling on walls killing people with a choke grip , you know , like venom from his fucking hands . I think we need to hear the crazy lady out if she's saying that she has future vision , because she did , went out of her way to save us from this dude , so maybe she knows something like maybe she's not that crazy .

And I was like I kind of want to hug you right now . It's too weird because finally somebody making sense in this fucking film , at least a little sense . Anya was just kind of there . Oh , hold on Before I really get to Anya .

Julia's whole backstory was oh well , you know she , her father , got remarried and she's like the stepdaughter , but she feels like an outsider in this family . Meanwhile her mom's back in la and which is a weird thing is she tried to explain that to the other girls the first time in the cab .

But as soon as they got to the forest , when they were like finally , like when they were actually curious about all julie's backstory , then julia was like oh well , you know she's away , but you already said she's in la . Why did you give us less information the second time around ? Fuck .

That's why I say she made some sense because , like there's something she was saying like , okay , well , that's something that I would be asking . That would be something I would be saying like when , when she was like , uh , explain to Cassie , like , why did you tell them that I was kidnapping you ?

And Julia said , like well , I didn't know what was going on , which is fair , because who , how was she supposed to know that you're actually trying to protect her from some dude that's out to kill her ? Because you did not explain the situation very effectively . Essentially , you opened up the explanation with oh , I can see into the future .

That's not a very effective explanation , like it felt like you could have added more details to that shit . And maddie was laughing at and I'll get to man just a moment but god damn it . Oh , my god .

Oh , was there anything else about julie ? Oh yeah , you know , she's kind of like , uh , what you think with the introverted nerd or , better yet , a girl who's like not very confident with herself . But you know , she kind of needs people to like push her to be more confident , blah , blah .

I guess she's just my favorite character by default , because she was the main one that , uh , where I feel like , okay , at least she was like somewhat of a character . Now let me get into anya now , and it's not whole .

I just basically her father or both parents got deported and they're behind on rent and basically anya had to like tell the landlord amen back off , like they'll have the money . I swear , but that's not true and that's pretty much the extent of her backstory , other than she liked math , math and science .

Yeah , so she's kind of nerd in her own right , but it's like less so compared to julia .

And then there's maddie , this skateboarding girl who kind of a bitch for no reason , like straight up , like yeah , she got her things where she um loves to eat food , and her backstory is that , oh , yeah , her parents are doing important things but they don't got time for her , so she's basically living with the housekeeper and that probably explain why she kind of

like acts out a whole lot , um , because there's no one around to rein her in . But for some reason , maddie just comes off like a bitch for no reason , like why are you like this , jesus christ ? And then the main girl , cassie's , where , yeah , she's like socially awkward , so socially awkward .

She makes me look like a fucking riz master in comparison , because , jesus christ , is this how you talk to people on a regular fuck . And oh , yeah , uh , aside from what's his face , um , who played ben park , he was also on fucking Parks and Recreation and I recently watched a good place Good show , by the way , and he was also in that .

But for the sake of convenience , I'm just going to call Uncle Ben . Aside from him , he , sidney Sweeney and Mike Epps , who was O'Neal , I felt like was wasted on this film . Everybody else I didn't know them like that , so I just don't care that hard . But these three people I'm like , yeah , y'all kind of deserve it .

I can understand if y'all did it for a paycheck , but yeah , your talent was wasted on this film . Oh , was there anything else ? A whole bunch of bullshit . Yeah , cassie had to go back . Oh , rewind .

So essentially , cassie had this idea to where okay , without explaining the situation effectively , let me take these girls into the forest , drop them off , give a half-assed explanation of what the hell is going on and then leave them alone for like hours in the forest to go back to the apartment to find this um suitcase that she has full of mementos from her mom

and whatnot . Decided to finally go ahead and , uh , look into for clues and she just now find out that , yeah , um , she can pretty much piece together that this dude , ezekiel Sims , the one that's in the dark Spider-Man suit , I guess .

By the way , I listened to Ezekiel Sims , I'm kind of digging the earth for costume that he had , but that would have been a little too close to being Spider-Man , and that you know how they trying to avoid intertwining this movie from being related to Spider-Man , to a point to where even Julia was like oh , this weird guy was crawling the walls like some spider

person and I sat there and and I was like fucking almost on some edward cohen shit , where I was like say it out loud , I don't know why it goes out on me Every now and then , but , um , I'm kind of going around . Oh yeah , left them in the forest for like hours .

They got hungry , they decided to go to the diner To get something to eat and Maddie , of course , was like leaving the whole thing Because , uh , for some reason she just gotta to make things worse somehow .

And then Ezekiel caught up to them , tracked them down to the diner and Cassie had a bit as soon as she got to the forest , took the taxi that she hijacked and rammed the taxi into ezekiel sims . After that they escaped to a hotel . She had a dream with ezekiel in it .

They're pretty much like talking to each other explaining why ezekiel is trying to hunt down the girls and blah , blah , blah . All this weird talking , all these weird camera angles and visual effects that's the kind of weird thing too .

Like they , they were trying really hard to make the movie look as interesting as possible with the way they were trying to move the camera around and the glitching effect and all that . But I'm like this is just annoying if the dialogue and the plot line aren't good . Like hell . There's barely even action in this .

The most action you get out of this is Ezekiel killing and punching cops and whatnot . But aside from that , let's be honest , like he never really fights Cassie and the girls , it's more like Strategic Retreating , like they were trying to Shake him off their trail in the most strategic way possible and I'm like and then what else happened ?

Oh yeah , once she pretty much pieced together what the hell is going on , she decided oh , let's leave the girls with uncle ben for like a week so that way I can go to peru and get more answers about how am I supposed to beat this guy . And that's where she , like , goes to Peru meet the uh spider people .

He , uh , the main spider guy was explaining the situation about how her mom died in the same place that she was born and , blah , blah , she had the vision with the mother and the doctor . By the way , the doctors just acted like they just didn't want to help this woman or the mother .

I'm like goddamn , it's like , oh well , there's nothing we can do about it , but when there's a will , there's a way , I guess . But uh , then eventually cassie comes back , just in time to realize that , oh well , mary , uh , water , bro , she's they going to the hospital to deliver the baby .

Blah , blah , uh , she acquires an ambulance that showed up and she tries to um , chase down ezekiel before Ezekiel can kill the girls with a grenade . And then , next thing , you know , the dumbest shit happens to where ? She drives the ambulance ?

Through a parking lot , which you know , those parking lots where there's like levels , tiers , floors , whatever you want to call it .

And then she drives it through a billboard and keep in mind , ezekiel was standing on top of the car that ben and the girls and mary was in , and then this dude saw the ambulance coming out of the billboard and the smart I say this sarcastically , the smart move he made was jumping up at it , dumb as hell .

And then the rest of the movie was pretty much madame webb directing the girls um to safety based on having more control over her future sight , and eventually ezekiel ends up defeating himself , kind of like in frieza fashion . You know how .

You know , he was so bent on making sure that they can't kill you that you end up dooming yourself to where even kathy herself said that , oh well , the girls was never your future , I was . But that's the weird part . If he , if Ezekiel , had just left the girls alone , wouldn't that imply that he would at least last it longer ?

It was like , nah , I gotta kill them before they kill me , but ironically they'd even kill you . You finish yourself off trying to prevent the future , that future , happening . So yeah , was there anything else I want to talk about ? What's the film ?

Because I feel like there's more , but at the same time I just don't care enough to give you all the details because , like not to be that guy , but I'm like that's pretty much all I had to say for the most part , unless there was something I was forgetting . Oh yeah , the ending to where , oh , she's blind now .

And now she's like roll around this wheelchair because , uh , even though she got conceived in the water so like matanka no , no , no , not like you know what I mean and she gained powers but she unfortunately still have to like roll around in a wheelchair from now on .

And she was like , oh well , I can see better than I ever could , and she used her powers after going blind and whatnot , and she just comes out rather annoying about her future sight . At that point it's almost like , for some reason , going blind just makes her this wise woman all of a sudden .

But she spent the majority of this film , um , like kind of confused . Oh yeah , how it seemed like she before she got a grip on the fact that she can see into the future . It took a pigeon dying crashing into her window for her to realize oh , I can see into the future .

But you didn't let that click as soon as well . You didn't even give up much of a fight when it came to o'neill getting killed in that accident . And and I just felt like bro , a person could have had his death prevented if you were a little more persistent in making sure that he doesn't die .

But then again , I can only imagine that this film only had enough money in the budget to have Mike Epps in there for that long . But then again , you know , it was on an 80 million dollar budget .

This film was , and the box office or at least the box office opening was like what , six million or something like um , I'm gonna look up the numbers real quick but while I do that , yeah , like it's kind of weird , wait a minute , emma Roberts was married , bro , like I did not realize that was Emma Roberts , like whoa , like that's just kind of a funny thing

because you know , you just kind of gloss over the fact that yeah , yeah , okay , I got it , I got it . So the budget was between $80 to $100 million and the box office ended at $100.3 million . So that would say that barely broke even . But that just goes to show how bad it was .

In fact , according to ratings and critics , film got from Rotten Tomatoes like an 11% from 246 critics , averaging at about 3.4 out of 10 . I think Metacritic said that this film got a 26 out of 100 based on 51 critics . Audience surveyed by CinemaScore gave the film a C plus on an A plus to F scale , while Post Track gave it a 54 overall positive score .

So I feel like some folks were being like Fairly Lenient Towards this film , while there were some folks that were like Really going hard on this film . But check this out . Another thing Inconsistency that I noticed how they made it Perfectly clear that the events happened in 2003 . But they were . Have they had Britney Spears song toxic playing ?

And there was a dude in the subway during the first encounter with the girls and Ezekiel . He was playing on a PSP . But hold on , toxic by Britney Spears didn't come out until 2004 . And the PSP wasn't out in the shelves until 2005 . Once again , get your shit together , filmmakers .

And I think the funniest part about the whole shit was it's not even what happened in the film , it's dakota johnson and sydney sweeney fucking bagging on this film when they were like on SNL and doing interviews where , like , sidney Sweeney was like oh well , you've seen me before , you definitely didn't see me in Madam Web .

And Dakota Johnson was like yeah , I just straight up didn't . Like she even fired her agent immediately after filming . I'm like you are , are not , you're not allowed to give me work anymore . Like that was dog shit , total dog shit .

Yeah , personally , if I were to give this a rating , the star system just don't feel right with this film , this movie , so out of 10 or well . No , I gave it the grade rating .

So if I were to give it a grade , I would say an f or maybe a d minus because , not gonna lie , julia kind of saved the film for me to where I'm like okay , at least somebody's making a little bit of sense . But outside from that , I can't say it was enjoyable .

I can't even say I'm gonna watch this movie again , like I watched it for the one time and I'm done . I am so done , I am completely done .

And in the final fight , to where I'm like Ezekiel could have killed Cassie at any moment , but it just felt like he was kind of like dragging it on to a point to where see , that's why you doing dumb shit like that . I'm like goddamn . But you know whatever I said , what I said . With that being said , I'm gonna go ahead and zone out of here .

Remember to stay nerdy and that great things are coming . I'm out , take it easy , y'all .