I get a your bloody superstars. I'll tell you what.
In Melbourne, folks, I don't know where you live, but where I live in the thriving metropolis down the bottom of austral the art well, almost the bottom, that would really be Tazzy. Wouldn't shout out to Tazzy or seven of you who listened to this over there. I hope you're great. But right now I'm looking out the window at the winbow, the window through the bamboo. See Wimbo
is a combination of window and bamboo. I'm looking through the winbow and it's sunny, and it's beautiful, and it's twenty degrees at ten o'clock, it's going to be grouse. Christian Ray Stewart is today's guest. He is one of my oldest friends. We've known each other for I'm going to say thirty plus years. He is someone who's recently been through a really interesting experience, and you know me, I love hearing.
Other people's stories.
I love learning about where they've been and what they've seen, and perhaps most importantly, what they've been through and what understanding and insight or experience they took away from that event or that situation or that thing that they went through, and Christian's recently been through something that I've spoken about with him at the gym because he's one of my training partners, spoken about this with him at the gym, and I just think it's, let's be honest, fucking fascinating.
I don't fully get it. He doesn't fully get it. And I'm just going to preface this conversation with these two mates having a chat. That's it. It's not an interview, it's not a presentation. We're not telling anyone what to do or what not to do, and I expect to learn as much as you. So, without further ado, Hello, big boy, how are you?
I'm good mate? How are you?
Oh? Look, I'm great over here in Hampton. How's bo Marris? How's the thriving metropolis of bo Maris?
All right, mate, I'm I'm tucked up on the beg my little dog here, Murphy. I've just had a little bit of a walk with him, a bit of breakfast, jumped in the cold plunge, make got myself organized and I've propped myself up on bear to have any yacht to you. Good on you? Is it?
So?
It's Wednesday. You have Wednesdays off.
Right, Yeah, I've got to be Wednesday at the moment, mate. So I'm working Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday off, Thursday, Friday and then two days off. So just to give our listeners to hang out, I'll just hang out and just relax and you know rest.
My one thing about dogs is they're just going to love you. They're not going to talk back. They're just going to sit next to your day and go, fuck, You're great. Yeah, it doesn't matter what you do.
He's just a champion. I've let him in the bed. Though.
Let's not tell your missus. Let's not tell the lovely mirror who's probably going to listen to this and is now mad at me. Sorry, Maren, Sorry, not sorry. So let's just give people a little bit of an understanding before we talk about your recent adventures.
What do you do? What's your job? We used to be a personal trainer, amongst many things. But what do you do now?
What do I do right now? Mate? I work for a landscaping company. We look after high end homes all around Melbourne. I work for a company that's been around for about thirty years. I do sort of like a bayside run. So I've got myself a van and normal tools and go to homes and some of the guys come in and you know, do a renovation on someone's garden, put in paving the lights, put in new plants. And
my job is to keep the garden alive. So when plants die or things are looking a bit so I'll replace them and fertilize the lawn and you know, make it look nice for the client and probably I reckon. I do about four or five jobs a day, couple jobs down the coast, look after some nice homes down at Merrick's North, down at Porzy.
Do you work on any Do you work on any places that are worth more than twenty million?
No ah, ah, No, there's a couple of big places down in Portsy.
There's some fancy joints down there, isn't there.
Yeah, there's some big there's a lot of money down there. But we've got some really wealthy clients in the Gowries. A place up in I think up in in the city there, it's an old home that's been around for many years. Yeah, Yet there's a lot of staff. There's like I think nearly forty staff, you know, so it's busy. It's busy, long days, but it's good. It's outside, being in, being in nature and being amongst the wind and the trees and the birds, which I like. So it's good.
You and I.
You and I were talking recently about communication in nature and the way that animals communicate and even trees communicate, and yeah, and getting energy, like not metaphorically, not pretend, but actually getting energy back from your environment and being around trees.
Do you think do you think for you.
That that's part of your kind of mental health management?
Yeah, one hundred percent. I feel I reckon better when I'm outside, like that vibe when you go camping or you're fishing, or you often do you you know, your morning walks along Hampon Beach with your bare feet, something makes you feel better. There's a vibe. I think there's an energy, there's a flow of something out there that definitely makes your soul feel better. You know. I think wilder the weather sometimes the better for me.
I love it.
Isn't it isn't it interesting how much we fucking hurry to nowhere in particular.
Exactly?
You know the other day I was down there, As you say, I walk often get to go.
Did you do bare feet when you walk?
Yeah?
Yeah, I get to the beach, I take my shoes and side don't walk bare feet there.
I walk in shoes.
But I.
Get you know where green Point is, where South Road meets Beach Road. Often I get there, take my shoes off, and then I walk basically back up to Sandy your club, as much as I can in the soft sand, which, by the way, everyone, if you want to burn a few extra calories, don't walk on a firm surface. Walk on a soft, moving surface like sand.
Does that make you feel though? Yeah, I watched that bit.
Yeah, like I just had this moment the other day, really the other day. You know, people say that it was two years ago. No, it was not last week. It was a week before, so maybe ten days ago, four.
Ten days ago.
And I, you know, I have to get in because of my maniac. I have to get in my ten thousand steps a day. And one of the downsides I think of, like organization and structure and to do lists and box ticking and achieving and moving forward. It's all good unless you wake up in the middle of all the achieving and box ticking and moving and you know, and go I'm not that fucking happy, or I'm busily
heading in this direction. But you know, we get to that, we get wherever we wanted to go, and then we go, ah, that's not it. So I have to pull myself up and realize I'm sometimes rushing to nowhere in particular.
That might be the name of today's show. But anyway, do you do list?
So are you a list boy? I'm mating you go mate, I'm going to do that, or I can't be there. I mean, obviously we work.
Yeah, we've spoken about this. Actually, that's a good question. Mary Harper is a fucking whorl chair. Like if there was an Olympics for writing lists.
She's you know, she's at she's the goat.
But I was walking down right near you know, where the monument is down there there at the end of South Road.
I was walking right near there.
There's a ramp that departs from the car park down I was walking past down that like thirty miles an hour, like swinging my arms and you know, being.
And listening to a podcast, yeah, learning things in the podcast.
And then I just stopped for a minute and I looked out there was no one around me.
It was absolutely beautiful.
I took my headphones off, like that's a dumb thing walking in nature with headphones on.
I think you've got to take them off because nature is the soundtrack.
And and I just sat my ass down there, and there's all these rocks that go down to the water, and so I literally went down to the edge of the water. I took my shoes and socks off, put my I wear shorts anyway, but I put my feet just in the water. And then within about two minutes, like my brain's going, come on, mate, that's good. You've had a bit of nature, right, Oh, come.
On, we go on, let's go, got shit to do.
And I could just feel this inner conflict of like I don't know what it is, but my spirit or my soul or my whatever gone. No, just stay here, just leave your feet in the water. Just look out there, and for fox sake, stop thinking yet.
Craig, just a little Craig on your shoulder, going hey mate, let's go. We've got things to do. We've got to train, we've got to go and eat some food and be busy. You've got to you got to shut that little guy off. I reckon, You've got to learn those skills it.
Is, don't you reckon it? Oh?
And in our culture we're busy and productive. And it's like, you know, when you say to people sometimes how are.
You or how have you been? They don't tell you how they've been. They tell you how busy they are. How are busy?
No?
I don't know. No, I don't want to like a list of your achievements. I mean, how are you?
How are you?
Though?
People don't even know what to do?
And do you reckon too many people when you say how you go and come up and go I tear off how the work day? How many people go, No, I'm good? You often hear how are you? I've had a cold and I had a terrible night's sleep, and this person's giving me the shits and I've got a headache. You know, you don't often hear that, though, do you.
I'm having a Yeah, that's but that's that is absolutely true. But like I think women are much better at this, being like more readily emotional and available and open and honestly,
obviously it depends if you're getting off the bus. It's probably not the best timing, but in general terms, you know, if there's space, but I've been doing this a lot with blokes, whereas I go, hey, doing mate, or and they go yeah, all good, yep, yep, and then I just let that settle and then I go and then I just look in their eyes.
I go, yeah, cool story, but how are you though?
Yeah?
And then quite often they more than fifty per cent of the time, they start telling me about some bad shit that's happening, or some stress or something about their kids or their you know, their partner or their yeah, and I just think, and you can't be all things for all people, But isn't it amazing when you just you know, give people whatever it is three minutes, four minutes where you're just you're holding space.
I hate that term, but you are.
You're holding space for them, and you're making them the center of your attention focus for three or four minutes, coming from a place of compassion.
And then people I've.
Had many dudes cry when I go, yeah, I don't believe you, what's really going on?
Sorry, once you do open that door, I think being a good listener is just a skill, you know, really really hearing people. Once you get through that, all good and really, how are you? And just sitting there and listening to people is very important, you know.
I understand. Oh wow, is this the first part you've ever done podcast?
Yeah?
Like as in this, Yeah, well you're good at this. You're good. People are going to go no fuck also like bloody Landscape. But how much wisdom as you got?
But don't you learn more from not talking and just listening?
Oh?
Yeah, that is we Yeah, don't you reckon like just sitting in silence, I mean, not sitting in silence on the I don't know, dressed with a pair of rainbow clothes on. You know, But you just learn more from being a good listener unless talking. Do you agree?
I feel like you're saying that directly to me, and now I'm a bit scared. I do I fire that arrow straight at your mate. Yeah, I'll take that. I'll take that. Pretty hard to do a podcast without talking a bit, though, But that's right, No, I'm fucking with you.
I totally agree.
Hey, son, can I just interrupt though?
Yeahive mate, it's a chat, there's no interview.
Yeah all right, that's good. What about when we first met? Remember, like I think I was like twenty five, I reckon twenty four to twenty five? Yeah, you were a couple of years older than me, and I had no idea what I was doing, well, sort of.
I mean what I think is fascinating about you and many other people, but fascinating about you is when I first met you. And I was quite good at figuring people out, I couldn't really figure you out because you were like a fucking.
Dog with three dicks.
You were all over the shop, and you were funny, and you had good people skills and you were likable, but you kind of didn't know what you wanted to.
Do with your life. But you did a bit, but you didn't. And but we're all young and dumb to an extent.
It's fun times.
And so how long.
Did you How long did you work at Harper's give or take, like as a trainer?
I reckon probably maybe five years, I think being Bluff Road where we train now you know video store there, maybe four or five years. And we went off and we did sort of explored. I think we did a couple of we did a couple of camps together, yeah, are and one at the prom and then I moved on and started doing other stuff, you know, working at other centers there for a while.
But yes, I don't want to throw you under the bus straight away, but I do feel like you had been working with me for not that long and I got a phone call. I think it was a Saturday morning. He wa is going, I'm at the Sandringham Hospital. Can you come and pick me up? Because you'd been because you've been bluing with some blokes in a car park or something.
Do you remember that.
Sort of there's a little bit of alcohol involved, but I can't remember. It might have been. Yeah, I did a few of them, not many, but you know I'm not. Don't go out looking for trouble, but.
You don't anymore.
No, Well, I remember I think I rang you and said I can't come in today. I'm at the hospital. I've just had my head punched in. Can you come and pick me up? Something along those lines.
Yeah. How many times did I do that for mates? Quite a few? What was I going to say to you? I think?
Also another interesting part of your story worth sharing, just to give our listeners context and insight, is that you went through school and you grew up dealing with dyslexia, and reasonably kind of high level dyslexia, if there's such a thing. But but you really really struggled with reading and write. What are your memories around that, good, bad, terrifying.
Well, obviously I didn't really look forward to going to school, but I just had to adapt, you know, I just sort of fell into and like back then, so I mentioned me the other day, like the way they tested whether you had a comprehension issue or you were dyslexic was pretty wishy washy compared to today's days. You know, Yeah, how did I navigate that space? I just fell into playing lots of sport, like obviously art and music. I
became quite popular. I just remember being singled out a lot in class and just purely not understanding what was going on. Like like being in class and reading everybody's reading a book. Teacher would say, okay, Stuart's stand up, can you please read the next chapter? And I wouldn't. It was like ants sometimes just you know, fall off the page or and all the numbers on, you know,
like we're on page fifty seven. I get to page fifty seven, paragraph too, and all the words would blend blend in together, and then other kids thought I was being funny, and it was you know, stand up, go have a detention or leave the classroom. So I just had to navigate that and just pretty much win it,
you know. So I just sort of fell into the sports side and a bit of music, and I think I got to maybe Form five, I don't know what the year eleven, eleven, eleven, Yeah, okay, I got to I think about a couple of months into that and I said to my parents I'm done. So I got out of all things, fell into a headdressing apprenticeship, which is pretty funny.
You've cut my hair at the gym, yeah, more than once or twice.
Yeah, it's coming handy. So I think I just got to the point where I had enough, mate, you know, it was sort of not a waste of time and money, but it was time to move on into the into the hairdressing world. You know what, I know what I know.
What I noticed about you is for as long as I've known you, Like, think about this, everyone, how you won't really get this because you've only this is your debut, right, But I've sat here literally thousands of times doing this.
I've never had a debutante.
More aid back or more like this is if you and I were just talking on a zoom call with no one listening.
This is what it would be.
And for you, like you've always managed to build connection with people, build rapport, be.
Funny, like funny, funny, funny.
And just laughing. We've had some rippers. I know. It's like sometimes you and I say stuff, but we don't actually talk. There's a lot of action. There's a lot of yeah, I don't know.
Well, I think, yeah, there's I don't really want to open that door, but.
Fuck it, let's open the door.
But I mean, do you know what I mean?
Well, yeah, because you and I will see something and we both think similarly in some ways. It might be a person doing something, or it might be something just and we look at each other and I know both.
The other way. You go out checked that out, and I've just got to walk off. I can't even look in that direction to you or I know, whatever the situation is, because I just fall over.
I don't I don't want to be at all like and I wouldn't be. I don't want to be mean or judge you or whatever.
But sometimes I just see something when we're at the gym, and I think, oh God, I hope he doesn't see that, because I hope you see that.
Yeah. I hope he doesn't look at that, because then I'm fucked and I can't.
I always got in trouble for laughing in class, and I I wasn't laughing at all to be rude or disruptive.
I just couldn't fucking And then when I started, then I'd get in a bit of trouble. I was worse.
I'm like, I start to lose my shit and I put my head in my hands, and then they'd get angry and angry understandably, and then you know, I'm.
Fuckinging out loop you just can't get out, yeah, laughing loop or no, yeah.
Yeah, I'm one of those I don't know ten percent five per cent of people like you, I think too, which you fucking you laugh when you shouldn't laugh. It's inappropriate, And even in the moment you go, I know this is inappropriate, but I fucking I can't. I literally can't, because then I try to. I'm like, think of something else, think of something else, and then the funny thing flashes into my head and I'm going again.
And you try, and you try every trick in your own book to stop this aw from doing it, and you just can't. Yeah, sort of great fun. Though it's a bit nauty.
It's fun, isn't it? Chipboard?
So that's a code word between Christian and I that I can never share.
But no, just no, it's funny.
So Christian, you had a We're not going obviously in any chronological or even logical order, folks, But the main reason I wanted to talk to you today, other than to allow my listeners to meet one of my mates, is.
So you had.
A you have had and going through an interesting psychological, physiological, medical, spiritual, emotional kind of journey that you're still well and truly on.
When was the day of the event?
Before we start talking about specifics, do you remember or the ballpark over.
The sixth on a Monday?
Wow, Yeah, that's pretty good for a bloke who's got a fucking brain injury, tiber.
Six on Monday.
Yeah you are. I actually think you are.
Which is a bit scary, but anyway, let's shut that door, all right.
So what happened as much as you can remember, because I know you were fucking out to the races for a lot of it.
So what happened on October six?
Can I go back a week?
You can go? Yeah, you start whatever you want.
So I just had like a flu or a cold or sort of a chesty sort of cold flu thing for a couple of weeks, and after two visits to the doctor, doctor said, oh, look, well book in for a chest x ray on them on the Monday, and I'll just sort of keep keep the conversation going on Sunday. No, sorry, Monday morning, about three o'clock, found myself standing in the backyard I think between three and four. I am not sure why or how come. Certainly wasn't hanging out any
washing or feeding the dog. And then walked into the kitchen and it felt like the floor had sort of slipped. Maybe some parts are really specific, like it felt like the floor had sort of fallen away from my feet to the left, like everything sort of you know, I mean, it's hard to explain, you know. Got into bed, my wife Maren tapping on the shoulder and said to eleven o'clock, go, you've got to get the X ray or just X ray. Walked into the backyard and then fell into the thing
called an acute symptomatic seizure. So I could not talk properly or sink properly, or wasn't really sure where I was.
Okay, hang on, hang on, so you're aware now when this is happening.
I'm going out to the backyard to get into the car to dive, right. So she sees me being acting a little bit weird and goes, you know where you're going, and I start going and she's like, Christian, what's going on? You know, smile, raise you, put your hands above your head,
just doing basic sort of I think she thinks. I think she said sort of, you know, seeing what I was having a stroke on, and I couldn't comprehend what she was saying, and so I started sort of stuttering and slurring and getting a lot of confusion and like talking weirdly, like I was underwater. So she did the best she could bundle me in to the car, with me up to Sandry m Hospital, which is probably three
minutes up the road. I stayed in the car. Half a dozen doctors right out, put me in a wheelchair, ran some tests on me at Sandry How I didn't know what was going on, a bit of confusion, like the front of my forehead was quite hot mm hmmm, and the nape of my neck, the back part of my skull was hot. Almost like I could get a black texture and draw a perfect sort of circle at the front of the back.
Yeah.
One bit that was pretty frightening was I just heard one of the doctors. I just heard the word stroke mentioned amongst the madness of this few minutes. Yes, and then have you ever been in an ambulance? Yes? For yourself? Uh? Yeah, yeah, I mean obviously we've all looked in an ambulance. But yeah, so I'm in an ambulance. Siren's going and I thought I'm in big trouble, you know, So I've never had gone through that experience.
Can I can I ask just a couple of things. Yeah, so you wake up in the middle of the night, you're in the backyard. Yeah, what are you wearing.
A pair of shorts? I think, Yeah, just my pajama shorts.
Yeah, and when you did, you have no recollection of going from bed to be standing in the middle of the backyard.
No hanging out, not hanging up close at three am.
No, like I remember being in bed feeling weird, knowing I'm sick, having a bit of a temperature. I might maybe get up and go and get maybe a glass
of water or something. I'm not sure and then just standing in the backyard because I was I do remember thinking I'll just go and stand in the backyard because I'm quite hot, you know, like I'm yeah, And then it's obviously from that point on things started going way south in my brain from there, yes, you know, okay, so yeah, so really I can't really go back any further than that for it to make sense. If that makes sense, you know, I right, job done.
So you're in hospital, six doctors. Maybe he's having a stroke.
Yeah are you?
Are you terrified?
When I heard the word stroke, I got I wasn't in the thick of it, but I thought, I don't I don't do stroke like I like, I'm pretty well reasonably fit, And but I wasn't thinking like that. I
just thought. I remember lying there and shutting my eyes and just going, oh no, this is this is going to be a wild ride, you know, and amongst confusion and a lot of doctors asking me things, and then just being in an ambulance, you know, and flying down depending highway with the sirens going, thinking this is like I'm in big trouble here, you know.
And where were they taking?
You took me to the Alfred whipped me into whether it just like a really distracting like a headache, a weird type headache, and then back into must have been an Alfred emergency, but lots of questions and lots of doctors asking me things I can't remember. I was just living in sort of like chaos in my head. You know that obviously they figured that out quite quickly, and that I was in just like a recovery part of that part of the hospital and had a lumber puncture
and I couldn't look at the lights. Lights were just hideously bright. So I remember having a towel lying over my head which I was trying to mop my face with, and a doctor just lifting up this towel saying, oh, you've got swelling of your brain. We're going to do this lumber puncture. And I just I just couldn't get any worse. At the time, I just felt so lost and so helpless. You know, I'm not the first time
I thought I'm not invincible. Yeah, you know, I've gone from lying in bed next to my wife, who's amazing, to being in the backyard to being in hospital to being in it like I do this. This is not me, you know what I mean? I had that amongst the chaos of the moment as well, you know, a couple of days, Yeah, infectious disease section.
Did they not say to you or Meren, your love your aforementioned lovely wife, that he might die?
Yeah, they told her that probably, I think a couple of days in because it just it just goes. It just gets even more intriguing as the days went on, you know. So yeah, it was a couple of days of just being on drips, which was like around the
around the clock. It was both arms lying in this bed where it just got really confusing, and I think they were just filling me up full of antibiotics sort of every three hours, and there was I think there was a window there where there was nothing that it was so it was like midnight, three am, six am, nine am, twelve pm, just around the clock. They were just giving me these antibiotics to get rid of the virus that was in my brain.
So I could you know, so you had a virus in your brain and your brain was swollen, is that right?
I caught a virus called rus v virus yea, and for some reason, my immune system I thought that my brain was the virus. I think the virus attached on the protein in my brain, and then my immune system started attacking the elevated protein that was in my brain, and then everything just started like malfunctioning. You know, all these different crazy symptoms started coming on, a pricks here and just phasier and all these different weird syndromes started kicking in.
And you know, because as you said, like you're generally a healthy, fit, strong, you don't smoke, you do like minimal booze physically all day. You train with me in the crab big Nige. Yeah, it must have been like confusing in that You're like, well, how is this me? Because I'm I look after me, But obviously it's it can happen to anyone fit or not.
Yeah, totally, I remember lying. I think that first night was the hardest one. I think I was in there. I got in there about one o'clock somewhere along those lines, and then it was just all night and I know Marin left. She walked what about this one? She walked into the room, into my room and looked at me. I had no idea who she was. Wow, Wow, I'm looking at someone that I've spent twenty one years with.
And I looked at her like I had never seen her, not like there's there's like there's a woman in the room, or it's another nurse. I was just like she was a complete stranger to me.
And like not even like there was like I think I know that ye woman's I can't remember, Yeah, where she fits in?
Yeah, And she knew it too, So I think she's just looked at me and she started crying. I can't remember. And because she knew I was just in big trouble, she reckon. I had this look of just blank, like a lot of whatever the death look is. I'm not sure, but I was certainly not at home, you know. Wow. So she left and went nicked off home. Yes, And then I just wrote it out till the next day, and then they took me to another floor where it just even went even more sideways.
Now we're jumping around here, but there's no necessary logical sequence. But it's also probably of note to mention that you know that that twenty five year old bloke that rocked up at Harpers all those years ago and was just a lad getting in a few scraps playing professional golf before before that, we didn't mention that it was a professional golfer and a hairdresser and then a personal trainer, but.
You were very much just well, it appeared to the world you were just a lad. You were just a blokey bloke.
But then over the last decade or so, maybe maybe it's been more, but it wasn't evident publicly. You've kind of opened this spiritual door and you've kind of got one foot in each world a lot of the time, like you and I have.
If twenty five year old you and me looked at bloody sixty year old, it wou'd go, what the fuck happened to us? Why are we so weak?
Yeah, because you and I spend a lot of time talking about shit that to a lot of people would make no sense.
Right, So maybe we'll go down the spiritual rabbit hole a bit at some stage. But was there any kind of weird experiences in there?
Any did any kind of spiritual awakening or awareness or psychological fackeray or like, I know, there's one story that I want you to share, but maybe we'll Yeah, where do you want to start?
I think I think maybe like one of the things I said to you, like during just the whole experience of like obviously a virus in my system and in my head of all places, and everything's slowly just shutting down, like to be able to just be in quite a
small room. And I do remember pulling out the drops out of my arm and going, I'm going to see if I can get up and literally walk maybe six feet and no one's going to see me clearly have no idea what's going on, but sort of like that was and oos like I've obviously taken out the drops in my arm and all the things stuff leeping in
the room, saying something's happened to me. And I tried to walk across the room and I couldn't coordinate my left foot on my right hand to actually walk, Like the whole process was just like one, I couldn't believe I could walk. Two I'm frightened, hm hm, Three? Am I going to whatever? And there's a little there's a whole list of them. Am I going to be like
this forever? Am I completely done here? So I had all that happening, you know, for that first day, and then the next couple of days was I think I see to you, like having moments where.
Having no mind, Yeah, like so you like almost couldn't think like you were.
Just like I could think. I could think that, like I need to go to the toilet, and I can open the door, but the process for my mind to get my hand into my body to move to go to open to the door was like something I'd never experienced. It's the first time I'd done it. And during the process of getting out of bed to open the door was like, oh, this is how am I doing this?
You know, but still cognitively knowing that I can do it, But every time I did it was like, oh, this is amazing, you know, it's still functioning at the same time to go to the toilet, sitting in the toilet, looking myself in the mirror, and then just like tears coming down my eyes but not knowing why I'm crying, with a little bit of confusion at the same time, and then going back and getting into bed and going, oh that was a trip. You know.
Did you think at any stage you were going to die?
Yeah? Right?
How was that?
I think going through that process, I think the process of dying is extremely frightening, but death doesn't frighten me anymore. Yeah, Like having been so out of control and so lost, yeah, and just helpless. But in between there was always this like this really nice calmness about it at the same time, not that I died, but just having no mind. And I think I said to you, just like losing your I am I had no I am that, or like
complete natural ego death. Yeah, And then you know, I remember sitting there thinking, I think I might have mentioned to you, like, who are you? In your mind doesn't know who you are? Because I didn't know one one hundred and ten percent. I could look at you in the eye and go, I don't know who I am. And then if my mind doesn't know who I am, who are who am I?
You know, yeah, because your mind's the storytelling.
He's the guy in there going no, you do this, and you do that, and you might be this, and you're good and you're bad and just this. You know, this wheel at spinning you around. When that you can't go there for any answers because those those answers that I went for at the time and the think of it were the ones I didn't want to hear. Yeah, they were the wrong answers. I couldn't rely on it.
Yeah, And when your mind's offline, because your mind tells you who you are and who you're not. Yeah, when your mind's not there to do that. But you know, well I'm still here, yeah, but I don't have my mind telling me what to do or who I am. But I'm still here. So now in this non mind space of just consciousness and awareness right without the brain interfering.
Yeah, like who am I was?
That?
Was there any revelation or insight that you've taken away from that?
Yeah, it's taken awhile. I mean this sort of happened what's seven six or seven months ago, so it's still pre it's around. Yeah, I'm certainly not going to let it go.
Did it change the way that you see yourself and see life?
Yeah? Now yeah yeah yeah, a lot more patients with things, just being really patient, just really hearing people, I think, really listening to people. But in the moment when I was there, like I had nothing to rely on, so it was like I did ask myself the question like who am I right now? You know, and the only way for me to get around it was just really just become I think I've meant to someone just my own best friend. Wow, wow, dude, that is so nice. I just had to become my own best friend and
go so far in myself. But because physically I couldn't walk, I was lost. Emotionally, I was all over the place. I had no pre attachment to anything that had happened in the past. Yeah. So for me the time, that was like I could have gone down the depression path that was gone. Yeah, but I could have gone into the wad if world and gone, maybe this that might happen, Like I said earlier, like this might happen, that might happen. What am I going to do if I can't do this?
Yeah?
What about Maren? What about people in my life? What about you know, the three children in my life that are our adults? Like what about my mom? But I couldn't get into that world. I had to just bring myself back to myself, back to my heart, back to my soul.
It's almost like start with a blank canvas, like a blank canvas of the mind or the self or the awareness or the and because you can't remember stuff or relates.
To stuff in the past, and you're just like, well here I am now. Yeah.
I wonder how much of our our own self assigned identity keeps us trapped in shit. You know, I have this, I can't do that. I'm no, I'm not the no I'm the responsible one.
I can't do that.
Or I'm the smart one, so I need to look smart, or I'm the whatever you like, all of these labels and this kind of pressure that we put on ourselves to be this version of this person for the world, and then when you're in a state where you don't know who the fuck that is, you don't remember that anymore, you have no attachment to that anymore.
That kind of it's a bit exciting and a bit terrifying.
Yeah, some parts frightening, some parts that are exciting, in some parts that you know, do keep me awake at night. But I just had to really rely on Obviously I couldn't rely on my brain, yeah, because that's just clocked off sort of bits and pieces. But as the days went on, it started coming and going and I could go, Okay, this is what's happening or you know that, because at
one point there I didn't know where I was. I remember in the blinds on the day and if you said to me, hey, mate, you're in Perth, I'd be like, okay, I had I couldn't. I figured it out now. I was actually looking down and killed the road. I was in the Alfred over that period of time I was there. Yeah, I said, I don't know where I am. I thought I was in a hotel. I don't know who I am, sort of, I'm coming back in and out of reality who I thought I was. I'm not sure who I am,
you know. So the only way I could navigate was to just be the experience. I just had to become the experience of it all. Wow.
So there's all of this stuff that we know, right or we think that we know.
So me right now, hopefully in a relatively healthy, functional, operational state, and so you know stuff you know that you know, this is how the world works in my mind anyway, and business works, and people and relationships and communication and problem solving and this is good and this is bad, and this is funny and this is inappropriate. And that's Christian and he does that, and that's the crab and he does that, and that's mum, and Mum's like this.
And so there's all this knowledge that you've acquired either through experience doing stuff or for some people in an academic environment or watching videos or reading books, Like there's all this acquired accumulated.
Knowledge now for you in the moment. Then when you're talking about all that's kind of gone. It was all that previous knowledge and understanding and recorded data and shit, right, that's gone.
What I'm fascinated with, and I know you are too.
I don't even know where I want to go with this, but the stuff that we know that we've never been taught, like that intuitive knowledge or wisdom that doesn't come from us, It comes from somewhere else. It's like I can tell you stuff, but like that's literally stored in my cognitive hard drive because I've just read something and remembered it. Now I'm spewing it out to you, but it's not
original thought. But then there are those other times when you're kind of like you perhaps out of your mind, like in your case quite literally, but there's still like a knowledge and an awareness and a knowing and a wisdom that exists anyway.
Yeah, does that make any sense?
Like tapping tapping into something bigger than school or media or social media or mainstream knowledge. Tapping into that other fucking space place dimension where there's all this beauty and wisdom to be discovered and explored.
I think it will get shown to you the deeper and the more suffering that you come across. Wow, you know, I didn't know that. I didn't. I mean, I've obviously read a few books and that space interests me. But I thought the worst it gets for me, yes, in my head, the more it will open me up to other parts of myself that I sort in you existed, but now they exist in a bigger and brighter version.
Now, tell us about the time you got in trouble because they thought you got out of bed and been physically to visit another patient because you weren't allowed to get out of your bed.
You definitely weren't allowed to.
Walk through the ward and interact with other patients, right, so you got in trouble or they kind of they were kind of reprimanding you.
What happened? Tell us about that meeting that other person.
Yeah, sort of day three, maybe day four, and I was sort of I was I reckon through the whole experience, Like I fell off my perch just so quickly. That was one of the other things that was So I wasn't warmed up for any part of it, Like, wasn't like you know you said, we talked about it before, like, oh, you've got the flu. You know you can if there's no one around, you can manage to get to the to the to the chemist to get some medication, or you might be able to have a shower to do something.
I just went in with just I didn't know what was going on, and I went straight down to the depths so quickly and so fast.
We just had a little micro break everyone that you didn't know about. And interestingly, I asked Christian a question which I'll re ask but you kind of lost your way for a moment there, and you just shared with me that, like your brain is still kind of ten twenty percent slower, and sometimes you just need to hit the pause button for a minute just for everything to catch up so you can reboot or I don't know, explain that, explain what just happened.
Just a tiny little bit of confusion does kick in, like recalling things and bringing things up, and I have to recall stuff. I have to sort of use all that stuff that's happening in the back of my brain that I don't know about, which happens to everybody probably every day, but for me, there's this little this lit hole I fall in where I just have to go stop and then I can reboot quickly. But those gaps are getting smaller, which is a good thing. You know,
they used to be you know. I have to just sometimes have a sleep or just check out and turn things off. But I'm good, I'm back. I'm back on it.
Well are you good? You know, what's interesting is and then we'll get back to that. We'll get back to that question. But what's interesting is.
Like your brain in terms of you know, processing speed or recalling stuff or whatever. It's maybe a bit like your intelligence is the same, but all you like data processing and recall and it's maybe a bit slower than it was. But I can't remember what I said to you.
Yes I can.
I said to you were upstairs at the gym, yeah, And I hadn't seen you for a few days and I saw you went how's your brain mate? And you went, ah, you know, something like getting better. But it's still a bit fuck. But I go, you're right with that, He goes, I don't care. I don't care, because like worrying about it doesn't fix it. But also you seem strangely I wouldn't say it happier, I would say, calmer, you know, maybe happy too, But you just seem very okay with everything,
like very like. You don't seem not since i've you know, not the last few months that I've seen. You don't seem stressed or anxious. You seem like you know what's going on. Some of it's not great, it's getting better. But whatever is is and you're okay with that.
Is that is that accurate?
Yeah? Yeah, it's just it is. It is what it is. And as long as I'm just aware of all that, you know, and.
You're not wasting energy on shit, you can't change.
No, not at all, not at all all, Right. I think when you see that space and you get and you go down that that rabbit hole to those places where you're so helpful, helpless and so lost, and yes, I mean it doesn't well it doesn't matter, but it doesn't matter, if you know what I mean. It's like a reset. It's like a big recept someone's gone click click.
There's a reset on your brain and how you see the world and off we go, you know, but it might take time to you know, obviously explain it properly, and but it's working itself out in a nice way. I think I'm a working project, is what I've been told by my own wife, Mirren.
Yes you are, and you are a so asked you.
Yes, I've got it. Do you want to know the question? I'm back on fucking hell? How quick was that?
Fucking hell?
It's this is?
Do you know what I like this? Yeah? I have and share I'm different. What's funny?
Everyone is in real time Christians sharper and then less sharp, and then sharper and then forget something. Then is like a genius for five minutes. It's like it's it's like I don't know who I'm going to get, but I fucking love it. All right, So you were gonna tell us.
I've just parked the broomstick. I'm back, Yeah, yeah, all right, you're back. I'm out of the genie bottle. So, lying in bed, I can't remember, sort of three or four days in and there was this woman in another room, I think over to the right. I'm not sure because my I was in bed and I could only just open the door slightly. On the right hand side of my room was the nurse's station. Yeah, there was someone
there all the time. Obviously, doing the handovers and new nurses coming and going during the During the night, my only thing I could see was a toilet door, and I could just hear noises, and to the right of me was another corridor and there was a woman down there in absolute terror, like screaming, like really frightened. And I was coming better, right, I was, is that right? Coming getting better? And I was just really really concerned
about her well being. Like I thought, if she has experienced something like I have, or she's in the thick of it, I get why she's screaming like that. I could so easily maybe have done that and she would start and stop, you know, and I'd be sort of maybe five or ten minutes, but it seemed like hours because it was just so I've just felt so I was so concerned for her, and I thought to myself, well, I'm in hospital, I'm in the Alfred. I'm sure she's been taken care of. But it was like I was
talking to her in her frightened state. Yes, like I just picked up on her if it's the right word, her frightenedness or her terror, you know.
I was, yeah, I want like her energy as well.
Yeah, yeah, because I wasn't a lawed out of my room. I could sort of stagger around a bit and make myself to get myself to the bathroom. And I didn't know exactly what room she was in, and I wanted to go and check on her. And it wasn't during the middle of the night, wasn't at three am in the morning. It was maybe after dinner when I was getting at the end of getting filled up full of antibiotics.
And I remember just thinking to myself, I'm in day three or day four here, I just have to really quiet myself right down here, same places, go so deep, deep deep inside myself and just be really quiet, and like I said, just become my own best friend and get out of this madness and concentrate purely on the rhythm of my heart and the rhythm of my breath
and get them just in sync. I'mout doing that, And a nurse came in and I said to her, what's going on with that girl in the next room, which she said, well, obviously you can't find out because that's client confidentiality. She's a patient and I can't tell you. I said, she okay, she said, yep, we're looking after her. I said what's her name or where is she? And
just said, I can't tell you that. At some point after she left in the evening, I left my body, or the energy of myself left my body, and I traveled down and I found out her name was Jane, and I found out that she was wearing pink scrubs and she wanted.
To keep them in pajamas or scrubs pajamas. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Came back to bed the next day she was gone, and the lady came in and I said something along the lines of that lady in the corridor, Jane, is she okay? Because she was really upset about her pink pajamas? And the nurse said, who told you that? And looked at me sort of with you know, big bug eyes. She said, we're not allowed to talk about that. Who was a nurse that mentioned that to you? So I said no one, and she said, oh, we often hear stories like that, And that was the end of the conversation.
But I couldn't follow up, but something so.
You actually never saw her physically, or not her physically, but you went to her room somehow and I saw her.
Did you chat with her in this?
I just picked up on the energy and I knew there was a plastic bag or there was something on her room in her room that said Jane, this is Jane, or my name is Jane on the plastic bag. She was being moved the next day. Yeah, so somehow I've gone down. Did that freak the nurses out? She's one of the women. One of the women there said that this is not uncommon. But the conversation was pretty cut
and dried. You know, it was sort of like I'm hearing out, but let's not talk about it, you know what I mean?
Yeah, I believe you, but we can't explore it.
Yeah. Yeah, And you know, she was leaning too. She was leaning into me, saying, yeah, her name was Jade, and she was upset about her pajamas sort of, you know. And I can do in the I that one hundred set because I had nowhere to go other than truly deeply inside myself to just cope with the moment and her being in such terror and being so frightened.
Yeah, well that's I mean, that's compassion and empathy from you, isn't it. And concern? Yeah, that is that is bloody interesting.
I want to jump around a little bit because we've probably got I don't know, ten minutes, but we can always do another one.
I remember Maren.
I don't know if this is a good next step, but it doesn't matter. I remember Maren's to me or telling me often how she would come out in the middle of the night and you'd be sitting out the front on the balcony or in the backyard or wherever, and you'd be all by yourself, be the middle of the night, be quiet, be dark, and you'd be just like staring at the sky with tears coming down your face. Do you recall any of these?
Like is that true? Firstly?
Yeah?
What's what's that about? What's that about? What's that about?
Almost like the same space that I witnessed when I had no mind, you know, when I was in the thick of those something just not something takes me out of my bed sometimes not all the time, doesn't happen every week happens maybe I don't know. I haven't done it for a while, but I was doing it a lot there for.
So this is before before hospital, though, wasn't it.
Yeah? Yeah, Like I'd get up and something would be off, wasn't like, you know, there's a four learn or you know, I'm not that weird, but something would make me get up in the middle of the night and I'd go outside and I'd be not crying in tears, but I'd be crying in I'd have tears running around my eyes because I was just so connected to something that was not myself.
Yeah, and for somebody who maybe struggled with connection in some ways when you were younger, was it rel although you were pretty good socially, but maybe it was a kind of connection that you needed.
I think something along those lines, Like, you know, people that have obviously those learning and difficulties or cognitive things or hearing stuff or it's not diagnosed properly. Not that it really hindered me that much because I felt other ways to adapt, but maybe that little switch was switched off, you know, and when the time was right, I could just go outside and just be really super connected. What was in hospital? You know?
Now I know that you wrote something which is for
the dyslexic not an easy task. Is like, since all this journey has kind of like even pre your what do we call it event yep, like I've started to I mean, I've noticed a big shift in you in the last ten years, and I feel like you're getting you're both simultaneously being pulled but also pursuing, you know, this whatever else there is there beyond what we know or what we humans think we know, you know, beyond what we call normal or logical or scientific or you know.
I feel like you've opened that door and you haven't walked through it, You've like sprinted through it.
And I know you've.
You've kind of been doing your own n equals one. Christian is the researcher, and Christian is also the subject.
Of the re.
Yeah, tell me a little bit about that, or actually, yes, can you share if you're comfortable with that thing that you sent me before that you wrote, yeah, all right, and this is about when you're in hospital.
When I was in the hospital probably day four. I can't remember that. I'm just saying after a period of time. But the other bit too, which is interesting, was I went and had an MRI and I sort of wanted to find out the results what was going on. And then I do remember lying in being the doctor comes back and goes, oh, yeah, we've got results from me MRI. Yeah,
Christian shows signed that he's had a stroke. I'm on top of this, and she sort of went off to do something else and said, I'll be back and I'll explain. So I do remember being lying there in the thinking I was sort of getting a little bit better coming out of that and just going on, by the way, and a black dot the size of your thumbnail on your brain. But you got you know, you don't need to worry about that. So that's that was another thing that you know, sort of it was a bit of
a kickup the bump. Thanks for telling me that.
So that happened, but not at this time that that was a past event that you did know about it.
I didn't know at all, Like they picked it up at some point in my fifty seven years, you know, but dropping that in in the thick of this too. At the same time, I'm like, all right, now, what's what's next. But it's fine, you know.
All right, let's have a read, let's let's have a listen, all right.
So I just made I did just sort of point form, you know, while I was in and then I just added a little bits into it. So I wrote brain turns off. I was living in complete chaos and the pain of a draining headache. I had to surrender to the outcome of this almost madness state. My interested, inquisitive mind in that moment fired up because there was absolutely no time I was like, this is a trip. I couldn't comprehend what this reilm was that I was witnessing.
As I staggered across the room, trying desperately to walk. I had no memory of my past life at all. I had no recall of it. Who was I when my brain didn't know either. I remember watching one of the many doctors standing there with his hands on his hip, scratching his head with a look of confusion. Later that evening, I blended into the flow of my energy like a wave.
I felt so lost that evening I traveled down the hall to check on a deeply distressed patient, screaming, sitting in pink hospital scrubs, no mention, sorry, no emotions connected to do anything other than her well being. I had moments of super super stillness. My consciousness was different from the one I had before. I really still me because I had no organized emotions or thought how could I be be a Christian? Because I had no attachment to that person's thoughts or emotions as well? That I am
was completely dissolved. I was no longer living in this everyday confusing world. I was like existing in a remote place, far off in the distance or just above myself. I had to come back, and you come back with a new perspective on life instead of doing conscious things. It's bleeding with consciousness itself in many, many ways. There's moments
of deep silence, not that I'm not thinking. I have lots of visual imagery first, and my brain kicks in and I'm finding also that I burned off a lot of mental energy trying to come to terms with the present moment, all of the process processes that are involved. When I become more function functional, my mind slowly becomes more wanting to explore. I must be careful here. It can become confusing, almost like my brain is on the string.
I'm staying out of my own way without too many thoughts, being totally out of control of what was happening and totally in charge of new thought patterns is very powerful. In a place of power, the only way to the only way is to surrender to the outcome. Pride or low posterior something shut down. Along with many other brain systems, there was a mystical experience. I definitely witness different forms
of reality. The best heelers are sunshine, water, air, sleep, laughter, nutrition, love, exercise, time alone, listening, and having no judgment. And I'm sure there is more.
Oh, dude, that is so good?
Hows that go?
That almost makes me cry? It's a good thing. I'm an alpha male that has no feelings.
No, sorry, I do when there's a lot of words and a lot of essays and a lot of you know, sort of bleaning. But I think I scraped through on that one.
No, you did well, man, that was good. That was beautiful. What do you think happens when we die?
Good questions? I wish I knew. I didn't have any answer to that.
Do you think do you think we die? Do you think we cease to exist? Or do we carry on?
And again everyone, of course, we don't know the answer to this, so we're not we're not trying to educate your point you in a direction.
I listened to us a lot. We know stuff.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean, like I know that you're not scared of you have no fear of death? Am I correct?
No, not at all?
And why is that?
Like I said before, I think the process is extremely frightening, the process of dying, you know, but I think it's it's something I was sort of in a weird way look forward to. You know. Well, I don't mean it like that, but you know what I mean. It doesn't I don't lie awake and I'm not frightened going I'm
going to die. We're all going to die. But having those those experiences, I think it does make that transition a little bit easier because I was obviously went through being extremely frightened, you know, and my ego or ripped out of me so fast and all those emotions. But in the moments when I have to go in and like I said, just really trust my own instincts and fall back into my who I thought I was, it was quite peaceful, you know. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, let's update too. And there's still lots more to unpack, which we might at another date. If by the way, everyone, if you like this chat with Christian and you'd like to and I one hundred percent acknowledge it's not the most polished or but it doesn't matter. I just love this chat. And it's not meant to be educational. It's not meant to be anything other than hopefully something that's of interest to some of you.
Let us know.
Just go to your project Facebook page and let us know your thoughts. Obviously, when this goes up, there'll be a little kind of primo up there for it. But I'd love to know what you think about this. So where do you sit now?
Like how do you fit?
Like do you think you have out of this more clarity about what you should do or shouldn't do, or how you should be or live or what's the takeaways from what you've been through and what you're going through.
Takeaways would be I think helping people, you know, like helping people we mentioned it before that have been through something like this, being there for people and just listening to people's you know, whether they've had an experience like this or worse. You know, I'm lucky, I'm super lucky,
you know. I think that would be And clearly, like I said, the perform and I'm no I'm no psychologist or I'm no counselor, but if I could be of service to people that have had something traumatic happen to them, I'm putting my hand up, you know, yeah, reach out and so.
Well, if you want to connect with Christian.
How do we do this?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, your email that's going to cut all the middle men down. What's your email?
It's Christian race.
All one word Christian c HR Christian.
Race r A Christian Race r A c E as in Running Race sixty eight the year I was born at gmail dot com perfect so needs a needs a cup of coffee? You're a cup of tea or you know, wants to big wings around here. I'm here to do it.
That's nice, mate, Or maybe a zoom call. I know you don't love tech, but you're doing it right now and you're doing a good job. Some people might be in another state. Yeah, reach out to the big fella. I love him and you will too. Ah, do you want to Is there anything you want to say before we finish that We haven't said any little gem or thought or idea do.
What's been really notice for mate, is it's about four or five things that I've stuck to and I'll probably stuck to with knowing you with our training and supplements we take. But having gone down that rabbit hole, which is ridiculously Matthew, I've always tried to look after my guts. Since this, I've done it anyway, but even more my gut health, my brain health, my sleep, yeah, hydration something to quite down my mind. And a low sugar diet
yeahs wow, And I know what I can say. But like creatine, you know, fish oil, magnesium, you know, all those things, I've tried a lot. And having a brain that went ninety nine, so you later, I have noticed good results with some of those products or all of them. You know, they are expensive, but I have some really good I don't know, just a lot clearer. Things are a little bit clearer. Yeah, you know, so that's something that I thought i'd Yeah, you know.
Next time, we're going to come back and talk about the boy in the tree.
Why do you hear that story? Everyone?
Christian Race, it's been ace. You're the best.
Thanks mate for inviting me on. Your success will show you're on the champion. I do what I can.
We'll say goodbye affair, but.
Christian Race at gmail dot com is where you can reach out with to Christian.
Thanks everyone, I hope you enjoyed it. See you next time.