#2143 Why It's Important to Understand How Others Think - Harps

excitement or terror or all of those things. And so I think it's the stepping off point for this conversation is maybe around the awareness that none of us are living in the same reality. We might be living in the same environment or a similar situation or what seemed to be similar experiences outwardly, but nonetheless all of us

kind of straddle this two world concept. And the two world concept of which I speak grasshoppers, is the one that we can all see in touch and feel and poke and experience and observe and measure and all of those things, the world that we inhabit. And then there's the other world, where I think is really where we live. So one's about habitation, one's about subjective experiences and feelings and those lived emotions and ideas and fears and anxieties

and triumphs and losses and all of those things. So when we're sitting with somebody, for example, in a border room or at a table in a cafe or whatever, we're sitting with somebody and we're in the middle of from the outside looking at a conversation or a negotiation or a conflict resolution or a problem solving session or some kind of leadership moment or whatever it is, there's

the thing that appears to be going on. Right for the observer, you and me looking over at two people at a table, you go, what's going on or what's going on as a conversation, what's going on as two people interacting, And of course that is correct, But then trying to understand what's going on for the individuals at the table personally, in that inner space, in that feeling, emoting, understanding, storytelling, experiencing the external from the internal. In that place, we

don't know what's going on. We don't know what's going on. And I think that not understanding the experience of others or what is real for somebody else on the inside is a big challenge for us who want to build connection and rapport and understanding and healthy relationships and be effective communicators and problem solvers and all the things that

we talk about. So you're trying. You're trying to have a meaningful dialogue with your kid or your next or neighbor, or your parent, or your boss or your employee or your friend. You're trying to have a meaningful dialogue to resolve something, fix something, expand awareness whatever it is. Yet you have no idea how they think, or you have very little insight into how they think. So you understand

your mind, you understand your version of reality. You understand what you think and feel and believe and know, but you don't understand any of that the other way around, that is through their window, through their kind of experience of life. So how do we build How do we build a relationship that's built on an understanding bigger than

our own or an experience bigger than our own. So for me, I spend much of my life thinking about how you think you my listener, I think about I try to understand via the feedback that I get, whether

it's verbal or written, positive or negative. I try to get an insight into what is the Craig experience like for the people that intersect with me, whether that's on a podcast or in a corporate presentation, or at a university or on the street, or in a one on one consultation, or in a social setting where we're all friends and hanging out. The reason that I want to understand the experience of others is because one, I'm interested

in understanding things that live beyond my head. I'm under no illusion that my reality is anyone else's reality, that my story is the greater story. This is just Craig's story. And so I think navigating life through that lens that what goes on in my head is just what goes on in my head. The story that I have in my head about John or this group of people or my audience, it is just my story. So how do

I understand other people? Not agree with them, as I've said to you before, not necessarily agree with them or align with them, or necessarily support their ideas or ideology or philosophy or theology, but just to understand. Remember that seek first to understand, then to be understood, and the seek first to understand is in a twenty eight font, and then to be understood as in a four. Because if I don't understand other people, I only understand me,

I only understand my thinking. I only understand my version of what's real. Then, at the very best, when I'm talking to somebody, I'm guessing. I'm guessing. I'm guessing what they think. I'm guessing what their reality is. And more often than not, if i'm I don't like this word, but you know, closer to typical or normal is more often than not, I will be assuming that they understand

what I'm saying because I understand what I'm saying. What I am saying is clear to me, it is easy to understand to me, it makes sense to me, it's logic to me, it's all the things positive. So therefore they will understand because I'm speaking slowly and clearly, and

I'm articulating my ideas very succinctly and intellectually. Therefore they will know exactly what I mean and where I'm coming from, and my intention in this moment will be their experience in this moment, which we know as bullshit, which we know as bullshit. So constant in our world is stimulus response. Stimulus response a thing happens. We respond. Someone says something, stimulus we respond. Somebody looks a certain way we respond. It rains. We respond. We never get hit by a car.

We respond. We see something on Facebook or Instagram or wherever that kind of rubs us up the wrong way. That's a stimulus. We respond. We either go fuck that guy or fuck that girl, or we write some emotional response and we stand on our sidebox and whatever.

of options too slowly. But in general terms interacting with others, you know, as soon as I realize that somebody is saying something to me that could sound offensive, that could be offensive, or I could make it offensive, but I know, on no level are they trying to hurt me, even though they may have been mildly insensitive or unaware. It's still up to me whether I choose to react in an unoffended way. Because I know this person. I know how they think, or at least have insight into how

they think. I know their kind, and I know they have empathy, and I know they care about the people. They just said something that in the moment, I'm pretty sure one they didn't intend on any level to hurt or offend, and two they were probably a bit underwear unaware. I didn't mean underwear, they were unaware, and so too the other way around. I know because of how I am, which is I am definitely not for everyone. I know that I know that I'm under no illusions. There's that

term again. But I'm under no illusions that Craig harper Will or my thinking or my teaching or my coaching is going to resonate with everyone. In fact, probably not with many. Also, that's okay, that's not good or bad. I'm not mad or sad. That's just are an outcome or an ever present reality of the human experience is that you say the same thing to one hundred people, especially if you say it collectively on mass, to the one hundred people, one thing, one hundred people. So there's

what you're saying, there's what you're intending. There's the stimulus that's coming out of your God. There's the thing, the idea, the concept, the words, the sentences that you're pushing out of your energy, out of your consciousness into a room full of other consciousnesses. Other personalities are the brains, are the filters, And all of a sudden, there's six people in that room that think you're a prick, not because you're a prick, but that's how they interpreted what you

pushed out there. Right, there's twenty five people who think you're pretty cool, there's a bunch that think you're great, and there's a few that are confused. So that's not as much about what you are saying as it is about their story about what you are saying, it's about how they interpret that data, that piece of information, or that idea that came out of your mouth. Now, so we know that we know that no matter what we say, somebody is going to be that at some stage, we

know that somebody is going to be confused. You know that somebody's going to get angry. You know you know that. But what we want to do is we don't want to totally eliminate or eradicate that. Well, we'd love to if we could, but we can't because that will always be a part of the human experience, because there will always be disconnection and connection. There will always be confusion, there will always be misinterpretation. But what we want to

do is we want to close the gap. And how we make that gap smaller and how we create more resonance and how we create greater connection is without compromising our values or our own ideas, we open the door of understanding on trying to genuinely right now, this is the challenge to genuinely understand somebody who doesn't think like us, or agree with us, or align on us, somebody who might live in a different echo chamber of thought or idea or religion or philosophy or whatever it is. Because

we want the least conflict and the most harmony. We don't want we don't want to be the person that's constantly in the middle of some kind of confusion or

conflict or debate or is that inevitable. Of course it's going to happen at some stage, But if I'm in a conversation if you're in a conversation, if you're a leader, if you're a manager, if you're a mum, if you're a dad, if you're a friend, if you're anyone in any kind of role, professional or not, where you are trying to build meaningful relationships, where you are trying to have meaningful conversations and to build healthy connections, then this

is of the utmost important I think important. So I think understanding how other people think is it's a superpower. You know, it's a communication, it's an interpersonal it's a social logical weapon. And I don't mean that in a negative way. The tool is probably a better word that we can use to just make things better in that kind of space. So I think it's right up there. So how do we understand How do we start to understand others? Well, as I said, we really think about

how they think, We really think about their words. And if I sit long enough and I talk little enough, and I am plugged into their energy and their words and their intentions as much much as I can without

asking them overtly, I will. I will, as a byproduct of the things that I'm doing, I will begin reasonably quickly to understand their needs and wants and their values and what excites them and what scares them, and what they looking forward to, and what their story is and where they've been and what they've seen, and how their beliefs have come to be what they are. Did they

choose those beliefs? Did they inherit those beliefs? Were those beliefs programmed into them by cognitive and or psychological osmosis just by virtue of the fact that they've been around that guy or that girl, or that teacher or that coach or that parent for a long time and so, and because they loved or respected or looked up to that person, then that person's thinking became the other person's thinking.

You think about the amount of times when people typically decide what a belief will be, or what belief they're going to now embrace and move forward and build a lot. I'm going to build part of my life on this belief. Well, that doesn't typically happen. And what typically happens is people look up metaphorically and now they're fifteen or twenty or forty or fifty, and they've got this deeply ingrained belief that impacts their life significantly for better or worse that

they never chose. They did not choose that. So your job, my job is not to criticize them. It's not to point out that perhaps their belief is flawed or problematic. It's to understand their belief. It's to understand it, not agree with it, not support it necessarily. Maybe we do agree with it, but what I'm saying is agreement and alignment and endorsement are not important factors in the journey

of understanding others. It's all about just awareness, insight, reading the room, reading them, and assuming that old chestnut I've spoken about before, the false consensus effect. We assume that other people think like us because the only world we know, the only internal world we know real well, is our own.

And so we look at even you know, peeling it back to just consciousness on an individual level, thinking about the world, thinking about the environment, and by that I mean the median environment around us, the context of the situation, the people that I'm in the room with, or the conversation with them, Realizing that I, yes, me, Craig Harper, doing the podcast, doing the teaching, I am still always looking through my window at the world, and my window

being my ideas, my beliefs, the way I see things, my likes and dislikes, my bias, all my bullshit. Because you can't not help but see things through your lens and your understands and your experiences and your values, beliefs, ideas, etc.

That's not bad, that's human. Where we start to step up another level is when we start to recognize that we recognize our own bullshit, we recognize our own limited thinking, we recognize our own bias in real time, in real time, and so that understanding that right now, what I think is real, what I think is right, what I think makes sense may not. It definitely may not to the

person in front of me. But maybe in five years, when I'm less emotional and less intentional about being right, I might look back at this thing that I currently think or hold to be true or intertwine with my identity and go, fuck, why did I think? Where did

that come from? But this is one of the great challenges for all of us in this pursuit of self discovery, self regulation, self awareness, self acceptance, self improvement is to be able to, with humility and courage, look at who I am and how I am through another lens, and to be okay with Hey, world, this is what I think. Here's my thought, here's my belief, here's my idea about this topic. Also, world, I could be wrong. I could

be wrong. You know why, because I've been wrong many times and I will definitely be wrong more in the future. And this is a hard thing to live because we don't like being wrong. We also don't like not knowing. We want to know. We like predictability and familiarity and certainty and knowing, and we love all that shit. We gravitate towards that because that's where we feel the safest, and we love feeling safe. But guess what, Life doesn't give a fuck about your safety, or your emotions, or

your state or mine. And the truth is more complex and bigger than I am right. They are wrong. This is a good conversation, this is bad, this is productive, this is destructive. It's bigger than that, because even in just a conversation, there are a myriad of factors and variables that are at play that determine the in the moment experience for both people in that conversation or all ten or whatever it is, and also the outcomes of that.

So when I'm talking, for example, to a sixteen year old girl about her eating disorder, for example, which I have done many times, or her body dysmorphia, or her self esteem or emotional issues or whatever. So you know, firstly, there's the sixteen year old teenager that I need to factor in. I'm not talking to a fifty year old woman. I'm talking when I was sixteen year old, young lady, right. I need to factor that in. I need to factor in that I look fucking scary and I'm terrifying for

some people. So I need to try to somehow mitigate that, because just sitting across from me, I know for some people is intimidating. For other people, it's fun. For other people, it's very comfortable. Again, you know, stimulus response. But in the middle of that, then talking to this young woman, I've got to try to understand her personality. I've got to try to dig into her beliefs and where they come from. I've got to try to dig into the origin of her self sabotage and her overthinking and her

underdoing and her self loathing. And then I've got to take into consideration the context, which is we're sitting in a fucking cafe and Brian and Doris are sitting a meter away talking about their European holiday. Well that's not because I meet a lot of people in the cafe, right and so there are so many things that we need to and this is not easy, and this is not quick, and this is not a fast kind of adaptation.

But when we can sit there in real time and even slow things down a little bit, slow down the judgment, slowed down the reaction, maybe slow down the response to the words that preceded it, and start to be more present, more aware, less needy of being right or showing the person how much we know, or you know, putting on the coach's hat or the leader hat, or being the

super parent in the moment or whatever it is. But it's just the beginning of looking at things that we do all the time through a different lens, you know. I know, for myself, I had to slow the fuck down. I had to assume less, I had to ask more. And the thing is that we have this capacity I definitely do where I would look at somebody doing something and I'm sure you've thought this, and I'm like, why

are they making this so fucking hard? What? Oh my god, they're going to Sydney from Melbourne, but they're going via New York, Paris, London, Munich. It's like, dude, this is so much easier than you're making it. Now, that may be true on a practical level, but the thing is that is what they're doing, That is their version of reality.

And so how and when and if we might scent share some kind of external insight that is our thinking and molding into their I mean, that is a really tricky thing because you can give people feedback that is absolutely well intended. Let's say, in this hypothetical I'm giving you it's well intended, it's one hundred percent correct, it's relevant to the individual, and should they take that advice or thought or coaching on board and operationalize it, then

they would probably create a much better result. However, despite the fact that you might be right and corrected and correct and well intended and kind and all of those things and empathetic, you might share something with them that in the time, in that moment, in that situation, does more harm than good, creates more of a problem than a solution. Now, it's in my interest in yours to

know that ahead of time. Let's not throw the grenade let's not throw the psychological grenade into the picture and then look all confused and bewildered when they don't respond well or they metaphorically blow up because you said or did or shared something which for them in that mine moment was not the right thing and definitely not the right way. And I think even about this right now, like I really don't know. I don't know where to start and where to finish with this because it's such

a big conversation understanding others. Theory of mind. You've heard me say that a lot. Theory of mind is your ability to have an insight into how others think, operate, choose, act, react, you know, a feel. It's your ability to understand another person as well as you can. And it's just that that intention of understanding like nothing more like and obviously the benefits will come from that. But how do I understand?

You know? One of the arguably one of the greatest books ever written was written by a guy called Sunsu, which some of you have heard of, And he wrote a book called The Art of War, and this was written to five hundred years ago, and he was always talking about like the core theme in the Art of War was about understanding how other people think. Like this is two and a half thousand years ago. This is pre Bible. You know, this is understanding how other people think.

So that obviously his motives were not as generous as yours and mine. He was talking about how to do war well and how to kill and conquer the enemy. Cool, but even in order to create that outcome, which is not one that we want. But this guy two and a half thousand years ago was fully cognizant of how important it was to understand how people think and what they might do and what they might choose. Before he

was worried about what he thought. You know, here's this Chinese military strategist twenty five hundred years ago who says, to know your enemy, you must become your enemy. So you must be able to think like they think. You know, what did he say? What he said, war is a contest of minds before it's a contest of bodies. Think about that, war is a contest of minds before it's you know, we need in a much more generous and

wholesome fashion. But if part of our agenda is to build connection, rapport and great relationships and be an effective communicator and love others in a way that feels loving. Then it is paramount that we start to ponder this stuff. And so when I start to think about people's culture, like where they come from, Oh, they don't come from the place I came from, you know, they don't. They didn't grow up in a kind of an environment that I grew up in. A for an environment. What environment

do they live in? Where did they grow up? What country, what area, what suburb? Like? What religion did they grow up wh I grew up in this religion, And so I was completely programmed like a little Catholic robot. And that's not good or bad. That's just where I grew up. So by the time I was ten eleven twelve, I

thought I saw the world in a certain way. And much of the way that I saw the world was through that lens of education and programming and conditioning, and I just I saw it how I'd been trained to see it, because we're not. For the most part, children are not taught how to think, but rather told what

to think. And yes, I know there are exceptions, but there's not a whole lot of time spent in any or many teaching environments where children are being taught, told, and trained in a good way how to think for themselves, how to consider things, how to break down the data

and form their own ideas or own conclusions. And I think the intention behind the other option is tell them how to think is I don't think it's all terrible, but I think the or it's not badly intended always because the grownups that are teaching the kids, they think they've got it sorted, so they're going to give them a little shortcut. But we know that it's often not true. We know that that belief that's been programmed is not

the best belief for that person. And so when we meet someone straight up, and it could be a new staff member, it could be a new friend, it could be an acquaintance that we've got to do a project with, or it could be someone across whatever, whoever it is, I ask them questions. I encourage you to do the same if you're interested in building connection, rapport, etc. Ask them some questions. Hey, where'd you grow up?

meet with me. They'll sit down, and I go, straight up, be brave, be honest, I go, how are you feeling right now? Because I want to know how they feel? I go, be brave, be honest. You can't fail or lose, you can't get it right or wrong. How you're feeling. And they'll often say I'm excited, but I'm nervous, or sometimes they'll be super brave and go, honestly, I'm intimidated, or sometimes they'll just say I'm excited and I'm happy. Doesn't matter again, no right or wrong, just me understanding

where they're at. So, okay, I realized this person is a bit uncomfortable, a little bit intimidated. I need to move forward with that in mind. With that in mind, how can I Is there a way that I can alleviate some of that anxiety? Is there a tone of voice, Is there a language, is there a question? Is there a direction I need to go? So when we you know, when we start to really understand the person's story, then

we start to understand the person. And I've shared this a couple of times, but I'll share it once more. I remember when I was young and dumber and thought I knew a lot when I didn't. But I used to look at some of my mum and dad's choices and behaviors and responses and the way they did things or didn't do things, and of course I thought it I was smarter. I definitely wasn't smarter, and I was making Craig judgments through the Craig lens about their choices

and their life and their behaviors. And you know, so I had a very one dimensional understanding of something which is definitely multi dimensional. And one of the first times that this really dawned on me that I wasn't seeing the world at all. I was just seeing my story, my story about the world. I wasn't seeing the totality of the mum and dad experience. I didn't understand them. I only thought I understood them, and I thought I knew what was better for them. Or best. I thought

I could fix it, solve it. I thought all of these things which were really coming from ignorance, lack of understanding, ego, and ten other things. And one of the first ones for me was really thinking about, what's it like being born in nineteen thirty nine, what's going on in nineteen thirty nine. Well, it's the first year of the Second World War. This is my dad's story, and he ends up being one of six boys, so one of eight

in the family. The first six of his six years of his life have been spent in the turmoil of anxiety and lack of food supplies and no doe, borderline poverty, very little resources, very little hope, none of the resources or a lot none of the technical resources we now have at our disposal, not knowing whether or not you will have a meal next meal, being sent off at six years of age to be a paper boy on the street of Melbourne selling newspapers to get some income

for the family, and just growing up in an environment and a paradigm that wasn't great for any child, that alone, any person. And so he had to be hard, he had to be adaptable, he had to be resilient. He needed to figure it out. He needed to figure it out. And then I'm six. My dad's selling papers in nineteen forty five, the end of the World War. What am I doing at six? I'm eating cake, I'm hanging out

with my friends, I'm watching television. I'm figuring out whether or not I'm going to take my bike on my skateboard to school or whatever it is. Yes, I lived in the country with independent quite early, like, I have no problems, I have no adversity, no real problem, I would say, no real adversity. My dad had all of that, and then growing up trying to then, you know, still through the forties and fifties, living in a world that wasn't as easy and comfortable as the world that definitely

the world that I live in. I can't talk to your world, but the world that I live in is easy and comfortable. And then there I was in my easy, comfortable world, judging my dad's behavior through my lens, having zero understanding of my own father, of his emotional damage, if there was psychological damage, sociological damage, all of the things that my dad had to deal with, all of the adversity, and his brothers. It was shipped for all

of them. It was fun for none of them. And then my mum, you know who, who's died giving birth to her and you've heard that, and I apologize for the repetition, but that's imagine that's the start of your life. The start of your life is your mum dies. That's chapter one. Fuck, how do you deal with that? And there I was looking through my lens of privilege and comfort and convenience, judging people that I knew nothing about, really, despite the fact that they were my parents, because I

never looked at anything but their behavior. Their behavior is fine, by the way, but I would always be finding a way for me to be right. This speaks to the fact that it is so important that we are at the very least curious about other people's world. They're inner world, their feelings, thoughts, ideas, experiences. Knowing that you and I are in the same situation, but you and I are not in the same experience. Please tell me about your experience.

I want to understand you more. You know, whatever you're comfortable with. I want to know how you think. I want to know why this scares scares you and that doesn't scare you. I want to know where that lack of self esteem or that body image stuff. I want to know. Tell me about that. When do you think that started? What is that like for you? How does

that affect you today? How does that affect you when you're socializing and you've got to get dressed up, or you've got to eat in front of other people, or you've got to speak in front of other people, or you need to you need to show up and be a certain way so that you fit in. Tell me how is that for you? That's what I want to know. I know I didn't finish anything today, but I just think that it's so important that we start to open

this door. And by where I mean you unless you've mastered this, if you have put it on the show shelf, well done. But I think for all of us, me for you, whether or not I know you or don't know you've met you or never met you, you know, think about think about the potential of this. Think about the potential and possibilities and influence and power in a good way, not in a controlling, manipulating way. But that can come from from just having a greater understanding of people,

more compassion, more awareness, more insight. You know, not necessarily compassion. You might find out they've done some shit things which don't align with you, but at the very least we get an insight into who we're dealing with and how we can move forward, and if we like, how we can build healthy, sustainable relationships with others and be a positive in the life of others that we want to be something of a positive influence for them. See you next time.