O good a team. It's Craig andw Harper, It's young Bobby over there in the thriving metropolis of well the very busy, the very busy and somewhat chaotic us. A Ay, we're not going to go into that, but it is an interesting place. That is an interesting world that we inhabit at the moment. Even Australia is interesting. But let's not talk politics or the state of the world because we probably get enough of that in the media. Hi, mate, how are you?
Hey? What's going on? Greg?
Well? Good? You didn't answer me? How are you? How are you?
I'm still alive.
You're still alive?
Still alive? So far?
You're still alive. Hey. We have obviously, we have a broad range of listeners to this show, but we probably do have a slant towards people who are really about high performance, whatever that means to them, people who are really keen to prioritize their physical, mental, and emotional health and wellbeing and their outcomes and their performance in life and work and relationships and all of the things. And I was thinking earlier, I was thinking, what are Bobby
and I are going to talk about? And I thought, like, my life has been a little bit chaotic lately, and I tend not to. And I'm not going to open it too wide because I don't want to be boring and I don't want to be self indulgent. But I coach. I was going to say I coach everyone. That is not true. But most of the conversations that I had with people that are not incidental, apart from friendship stuff,
but most of them are a form of coaching. Even when someone sits down with me incidentally at the cafe, usually they want to ask me something or they want feedback on something, which I totally don't mind because I kind of think that's my calling, if there's such a thing. But I thought, I thought, what if I ask Bobby to coach me for I don't know, fifteen twenty twenty five thirty minutes today and just see where we go.
Because I'm not very used to being coached, but I definitely could do with some coaching and some insight other than my own. And I asked you quickly before we went live, so i'll ask you again. You okay with that? Yeah?
Okay with that?
If you're okay with that? Yeah, So let's a couple of things before we jump in and I open that door. But so if you're doing a coaching session with somebody like me, and let's say I booked a session with you tomorrow, but we had a five minute chat today, would you kind of just come in as fresh as you can be, with a kind of a blank slate mind, or would you have some kind of intention or process
in mind? What is your like before you do that with someone, because you really count too much prep because you don't really know what's coming right.
It depends. So sometimes if you are a coach and someone has been sent to you right by an organization or let's say by their boss, and they haven't they have an incentive around solving for a particular area, there probably would be a little bit of prep. Or let's say they're coming to you for health reasons, you might do You might have an intake or an initial session. You might take a look at what their what their vision statement is. And a vision statement, it's not it's
not as esoteric as it sounds. All it means is really important to you. What does that look like measurably in the future behaviorally as well, not what you're thinking and where you are and you know it's not like I've done that, but what are you doing day to day that's very different from where you are now. So my review that vision statement and why it's relevant, why
it's meaningful. So there could be prepped before a session or sometimes in ongoing coaching, you don't know and they don't know because it's based on what's going on in their daily lives over the course of the week or the last time they happen to speak to you. I try to show up to my coaching sessions as naked as possible, not me not wearing anything. I tend to
be fully dressed most of the time. But I mean not showing up with an agenda, not showing up with the pre supposition, not showing up where, oh I'd really like to take this coaching session here, just being completely open to where the conversation needs to go.
Not necessarily following someone, you know, where their mind is leading them, but not really directing them either, kind of guiding, you know, kind of like.
Listening, seeing what's there, seeing what it means to the person, saying okay, well what are we curious about, you know, and kind of helping them tap into their own inner resources. Perspectives and kind of examine and explore possible ways forward and then see what it'll be ready to commit to that day. So it really does depend on the situation.
The short answer is, unless there's a specific reason or something I have to prepare for based on what happened last session that they want to carry over, I try to just show up empty.
Yeah right, right, all right, So let's dig in to me, which I never do, and I'm going to tell you right now in this moment, just as I said that, I felt really uncomfortable because I'm thinking one does anyone and want to hear this too? Is this fucking self indulgent bullshit? But anyway, let's put all that aside. I want to talk to you firstly about trying to manage
moving forward. For me, I have just like I don't feel overwhelmed in the way that a lot of people feel it, but there's not a lot of like from the outside looking in, everyone would think I was pretty calm, because I am that, and it's not that there's massive underlying stress, but just trying to figure out. So at the moment, I've written a little list, so I'm probably in the last which it seems to be a saga. But the last four to eight weeks of my PhD,
I'm submitting papers, I'm writing my thesis. All the work in Inverted Commas is done, but it's very cognitively demanding and also emotionally and physically demanding. And then there's the podcast, which you know where I had a few issues this week, so I couldn't do five, but typically it's five, sometimes more. Then there's training, and then there's trying to look after my body in the other ways, and then there's my mum and dad, which is going nuts at the minute.
And then there's just trying to have a life and some balance. And I feel sometimes I get a bit ah like, almost like at that threshold where I feel like I'm going to fucking burst. I'm going to burst, Like I just have This is.
A overwhelming for you. You have a lot of things demanding a lot from you emotionally, physically, mentally, and they're all important. And some of those important things aren't about things at all, they're about people you deeply love.
Yeah, yeah, I struggle with because my priority, you know, perhaps not well, like my priority is obviously my parents. But there's only so much I can do, so then I feel guilt attached to that. I don't know if we're going to get anywhere today with me, but let's hope, right, And this is me just being this is what I'm even embarrassed to say some of these things, but I want to say them anyway. So then I feel guilt around I can't fix everything, but I'm like I'm the fixer,
which I know is probably egotistical and bullshit, right. And then I my mum and I have a really easy close relationship my dad, who's a good human, but we're probably alike and so it's not always easy or comfortable.
And then me trying to be compassionate in the moment all the time when I want to be practical, I want to go, well, here's the problem, dad, let's do this and that and if you know that kind of navigating that balance between how do I be loving in the moment, compassionate, awhere, understanding, and also how do I get shit done? How do I practically help them? And I feel like sometimes my leaning towards just solving problems isn't actually solving problems.
So that this is so broad and there's so many layers to it, and on top of the overwhelm, you're already feeling there's a lot of guilt because there's a bit of helplessness there and you're not sure if you can meet every demand that's being pleased on you, or even how to go about that.
Yes, and sometimes because I've never done this before, like as in this space i'm in with my folks, I've never been It's not like I can say, well, last time my parents were old and sick, I did this, you know, So I have no kind of context other than through other people sharing their stories, which is great, And so you know, there's a level of uncertainty as well,
which is part of the human experience, I know. But you know, making big, life affecting decisions and trying to trying to give you know, people who are cognitively not one hundred percent like they once were, but trying to be one hundred percent respectful while helping them on a practical level. I just sometimes I just fucking don't off I'm doing the right thing.
It's a lot of pressure in a situation where it's impossible to have clear answers. Let's go back to something you had said, Yeah, that your identity and what people know you for and lean on you for is you are the person who fixes it and you don't have effects. Yeah, talk more about that.
Yeah, if you make me cry, this is going to be We're definitely not sharing now. I think part of that is probably ego, because I guess I like that. I guess that makes me feel good. Being vulnerable like right now is fucking uncomfortable. Although I do tell people on a regular basis how shit I am at a
lot of things. But yeah, I guess that just being in that space where I'm fine with not knowing, but when my not knowing might impact other people's I don't know what you originally asked me, but when my not knowing or my lack of certainty, or my lack of perhaps direction is going to impact my mum and dad, you know, I would rather fuck up my own life, do you know what I mean? And because and this is not self pity, but this is practicality. I'm the only child. It's not like I can ask my brothers
and sisters. It's not like I've got a wife or kids. It's not like there's grandkids. And while I do have amazing support and I've got some surrogate sisters up in the bush. Mom and Dad live here brilliant. Yes, sometimes I wish I had a fucking sister, or a two sisters, or I don't know why I don't wish for a brother. I think sisters would be better in this guise.
But you know, there's well probably a fair point there. So you're feeling all of this pressure and it's coming from a lot of different sources. But part of what's contributing to all the stress you have is not only your identity is someone who fixes, someone who helps others, who has answers, but it also protects you from as you were talking about, being really vulnerable. Yeah, it is not easy for you, and you don't seem to be keen on it. And now you're in a situation where
everything is on you. You're an only child and you don't have a fix. But what was the have effects because you're the person to fixes things, and that's also that's also your emotional shield. So you're wondering, Okay, where does this leave me? If I feel like I don't really quite know what I'm doing right now?
M m m yeah, I sometimes, yeah, I will, I will go over one thing, one Ron and Mary issue for a day in my head, that's like I'd go about my day. I'll do the things that but when I'm not focused on what, I'm not focused on on my work, my my podcast, my UNI whatever, that's where my mind is at. And and as you know, when you think about something too much, the anxiety or the rumination goes from a one to a two, to a five to a fucking twelve. And then I've got to
rein myself in. And then it's funny because I was so we're recording this twelveth dirty Melbourne time, and at eleven o'clock I had I had a coaching session with a corporate client who's got a very high level, powerful, responsible position, and at five minutes to eleven start at eleven, I just did not I'm like, I felt unworthy to be coaching this person. I felt like all of these things that I feel and then trying to but I know that he is not aware of that, and I
know I have a track record. I know I can coach people. I know I can put my shit on hold and I can just be what I need to be for that hour. It turns out hour and a quarter, right, Yeah, but I think I've probably been putting things on an emotional and or psychological shelf on the I'll get to that eventually, you know, just putting them on a little shelf.
I'll come back to that. I don't have not that I'm going to have a breakdown, but it's almost like that I'll have a breakdown in June because I'm busy now a little bit of that.
You've been pushing this down, pushing this down, and now it's becoming harder and harder to push that down. And the vulnerability that you avoid is something that you were swimming in. Right now you're feeling extremely vulnerable. Just what I'm observing is you have all of these things. You've got the podcast, you've got the PhD. You know, you've got the speaking, the coaching. But underneath all.
Of it, yes, Ron and Mary, yes, mad Yeah.
That is the most present and consistent thing for you that's bleeding into every aspect of your life.
Yes. Yes, And I guess I don't like I try to figure out what is a good sum Yeah, and what do I Why should my tension be? Should I should I stop everything else and move in there? Should I? Should I? Should I leave my situation and go to their situation and press the start button in June again, or then you know, Yeah, there's a lot I get.
Really, these are really important questions and they're not easy questions. But let's let's go back to one of these questions. If we can sure, what is a good son? What do you think a good sign is?
Well, I think from the outside looking in, people would think I'm a good son because I'm practically uh good to that, Like, I don't know, I don't know. I guess I'm a good son, but I understand that. But the question what do I think a good son is?
Do you think objectively a good sign.
Is well, yeah, I guess for me, I would just say someone like I think a good son or daughter for that matter, is someone who at like in these situations that I'm in, prioritizes them over me, which I try to do. But also I guess someone who understands and cares for their parents' needs depending on what state of the journey at. But let's assume my kind of
stage where I'm at. I'm sixty ish and my parents are eighty six, right, Yeah, I think to be able to meet their needs to appoint but then also get out of the way a little bit, because you know they can. You know they're still living independently, although that's not very easy at the minute. Yeah, and.
All of the things that you just said. Our scale from one to ten, where ten is you are aligned completely with your highest definition of a good sign. One you're a terrible sign.
Yeah.
Where do you objectively feel you are?
Well? I can't objective because it's subjective, isn't it. But I think I'm as objective so they can be about me. I don't think I think I'm a seven. I think I'm at six. Sometimes it's like part of this is coming out, this is probably need to know this, and I can't expand on this. I don't ask. But I had a moment with my dad last night. I loved my dad, but I just had a moment, right, and Yeah, out of respect for my dad, I can't say what happened, but let's just say we didn't have the the most
glorious interaction. And part of me thinks I'm right. In fact that I would almost say I know I'm right, but that's arrogant. But I believe I'm right. But then part of me also goes so what you don't have to be fucking right, And it's just this intersection of you know, how do I deal with how do I practically deal with people who aren't what they once were cognitively and emotionally, and everything's when you're eighty six my parents anyway, everything's a bit scary. So we don't need
fucking Steve the problem solver. We're just marching in there. Yeah, And I think sometimes I am not what they need and I'm not the best me with them. I'm trying to be the best me, in fact, killing myself to be the best me for them. But I feel like sometimes I maybe even exacerbate issues.
So you're disappointed in how certain exchanges play out.
Yeah, Yeah, you.
Know you said something earlier about sometimes it's not about the fix. Yeah, it's not about having the answers, even though that's a place that you out of care, maybe maybe a little bit of fear that you're feeling right now in this situation gravitated. But if that's not the answer, what's the other part of that equation? What is that answer?
What is the answer to or what is the anacdote to what I think I'm doing?
Yes, sometimes sometimes it's not about the fix, Yeah, about something else. What is that something else?
I think I'm scared of. If I don't have this conversation that I think need needs to be had, something bad will happen that I could perhaps prevent or impact positively, like I think, And you know, obviously my intention is good, like I'm I'm ten out of ten about my own intentions, Like I know that my intentions are good. I know that I love them. I just don't know that my version is optimal. And I worry that if I don't address this thing, whatever the thing is, because you know,
in all relationships there's a million things. But if somebody doesn't bring it up, like mom and Dad won't bring it up, so I need to bring it up. Then when I bring it up, it often doesn't create a good outcome, And then I go, oh, great, I just created stress in the family. And I walk away sometimes and the thing hasn't been fixed or addressed or resolved, and I just upset two people.
So you know intuitively at some level that what your parents need from you might be different than a solution or a quote quote unquote fix, But you are scared shitless to move away from the fix because you are very frightened about the situation that your parents are in the emotional impact it's going to have on you, and if something terrible happens, your fear is that you'll feel responsible because you should have done something more tangible.
Yeah, that's very insightful. That is true. So I think in the micro of the moment, like in the moment, in the real you know, this is real time. I'm like, I'm all about like I'm trying to be and I think if people saw me doing my thing, they would go, you're too hard on yourself. But I actually think I just go about it the wrong way sometimes, and I'm concerned with the macro of their life, the next however many, however long the rest of their life is right, I'm
concerned for them about that. So I want to be practical, But in the moment being practical for them where they're at mentally and emotionally, it doesn't seem to be the thing, you know, But then I don't want to. I don't want to not talk about things that I think are really going to be a problem for them. Yeah, so I don't know for me.
Let's talk about let's talk about what's real for you. I understand all of this is very important and you need to think about that sure in the time you have left with your parents. Yeah, what do you most want in the relationship with them right now?
What I most want, which is not so much our relationship, but I want them to feel safe and two not be in any well this is impossible, but as much as possible, not in any kind of pain. And I you know my mum is if anyone hears this and knows my mum or dad, please don't talk to them about this. But you know, there's just a huge amount of worry. My mum worries about everything, and I want it.
I can't, but I as best I can. I try to alleviate all of that, which I can't do it, but you know, sometimes I can make a small impact and lift that load a little bit. But you know, my you know, if somebody said to me, give us all everything you own, if God came down and went, I need all your stuff, everything you own, and I'll give your parents one amazing year, I'm like, where do I sign? Like zero seconds deliberation, where do I sign you?
You care enormously obviously about your parents and you don't want them to suffer. What are we not talking about here?
I'm not sure what you're asking, but I'm not talking about me or my feelings.
Yeah, here's what I'm asking. Yeah, we're talking about what you want in the relationship, and you're talking about the things that you don't want your parents to go through, right as their son and their parents.
Yeah, what are.
You emotionally leading in this situation? From them?
Okay? One, I'm not sure, but I'll circle back to that. But this might sound I don't know how it sounds. But I do not care about my feelings or my emotions in this Like I don't And people might go, oh, that's bullshit. I don't. I do not care about like. Do I feel for them and love them? Yes? But do I care how this hacks? Well, I guess I do at a level, but it's not front of mind. I don't think how am I going to manage me through this? I don't think what's the best for me
because it's not relevant in that. And I think I have however long I have left, let's hope it's a while. Yeah, but I don't think about that much. I actually don't know.
How you feel about what you need from this relationship. Yeah, that's not front of mine.
No, I don't really need anything from them, No, I don't. I mean other than you know, you know, there are things over time that you you know, my childhood was different. I guess, like everybody's childhood is different. But you know, there's a few things. I won't say, nothing terrible, by the way. Everyone there wasn't a horrible violent there was none of that. It was just it was a different
childhood too, you know. And I know that because I would go to my friend's houses and there was a real lot of similarity and overlap between how other families worked and our family worked. You know. So growing up in my family, which is three me and two adults, it often felt like I was hanging out with two parents or two adults who were pretty cool, but we all got on real well. It's like I was a nephew staying in this house with two people who were quite fond of me. But it was it was never a.
Yeah it was.
It was definitely not a bad childhood by any means, and my parents were not bad parents on any level. And I think about shut me off after this, But like my dad was one of six boys growing up. He was born in the first year of the Second World War. I grew up in the Depression. And I can't say too much, but let's just say that his child good was My childhood was Hollywood compared to his, right,
So I keep that in mind. And my mom's mom died giving birth to her, so she didn't have a mother, and she was one of six kids, which was amid a mix of biological siblings and you know, half brothers and sisters, and so her childhood was really really difficult. Also born at the same time. And so when I look, I try to look at everything through their lens, and what I come back to is, shut the fuck up, Craig. Shut the fuck up. You were you lived in a
fucking Disney movie compared to your mom and dad. So yeah, I feel at a lot.
Of admiration and respect and gratitude for how hord it was for them, and in turn, relatively speaking, how great of a job they did with you.
Yes, yeah, I try to look through with every with my no, sorry, go on.
Let me ask you this first. What was the best aspect of your relationship with your parents growing up?
Like, I just think we got on really well, like I would not want There's a few things I could say which would shine a light on stuff, but I don't really want to because I'm just terrified that it would get to mum and dad. But yeah, no, I did not have an unhappy childhood, I'll say that. And I lived with Ron and Mary, and we moved a lot, and I went to I think eight schools, and so there was a bit of that. But like even growing up,
I did not call the mum and Dad. I called the Mary and Ron like my whole life, from when I was four or five, and people used to laugh and I used to not even know what they were laughing at because I would call mom Mary and I would call Dad Ron. And yeah, it was a very like when you when you're in the middle of something and you're four or five or ten or fifteen, and
that's all you've known. Well, that's normal. But as I started to see, a reality is beyond my family, the reality of other families, not better or worse, by the way, I think my childhood was better than many childhoods, but just different. So it was it's probably fair to say that while we all got on, well, it wasn't you know, some families are hugely huggy, touchy feely. That wasn't the case. And I don't think that's you know, there's no judgment in that. That's just what.
Your parents seemed to do the best they could one, you know.
And they still are. They still are like and that's the thing, like.
I won't stay with you, I must stay with you for a second. Yeah. You know you've mentioned in this conversation and other conversations that there was not a lot of expression of emotion growing up, and you brought up that you called them by their first names, you didn't call them moment dad, Like, why why is that coming up now?
Well, I was just trying to explain what it was like, like the dynamics of my childhood. It wasn't It was different.
And you know you talk about like when you're going through something, that's just the way things are, right, you know, you're in something like you know, fish discover water last. But now you know, as a grown up looking back, what are your feelings on that?
Yeah, I always I always assume I tend to default to Okay, there's a problem. It's me. I don't think like even when we have issues, I go. I blame myself because I didn't approach it the right way. I didn't communicate the right way, I didn't deal with it the right way. And I don't you know, I don't think necessarily everything is one hundred percent me, of course, but I kind of default to what did I do wrong? What could I do better? And there's no self loathing
in that. I'm just very aware of. I guess so many conversations I've had with people, and so many where I've been witnessed to you know, a lot of and I'm not saying mine was or is, but lots of let's say, volatile, lumpy, bumpy family dynamics, right, and just realize that very few people ever think they are the problem.
So like, if they have an issue with their parents, their parents are this, And that they have an issue with their brother their brothers this, Like nobody ever says, me and my brother do not get along, here's this or blah blah blah, and I'm the problem. You know, I'm a prick, I'm so intolerant.
How how does this relate to you?
In now? Well, I just think that I I'm aware that if there's an issue and this is across the board with everything. Like you know, you and I have known each other for a long time. We've had a few not we've had no fights, but we've had a few differences of opinion or moments in time. And in the moment I probably thought you were the problem or you were part of the big part of the problem.
But then in hindsight, I go, uh, probably I was the problem or at least a big part of the problem because I didn't navigate that the way that it needed to be navigated. And so I always without throwing myself under the bus, especially being the person who talks about being able to be like self aware and situationally aware, and I try to, you know, and we spoke about
objectivity before. Of course I can't be objective, but I try to have an awareness bigger than me, and to not blame anyone for anything, including myself, but just do accept responsibility.
This conversation keeps going back to responsibility. You know, that level of integrity, that self accountability, self awareness. These are strengths of yours that continually show up in errors of your life, and we keep going back to it here.
Let's see, where are.
You really being a good sign given all the things that might be outside of your control you might not have an answer for, or you may you might be a little bit ambivalent around how you're approaching certain things. Where do you feel you're being a particularly good son to your parents right now? Yeah?
So I think I am like I am always available. So as we record this again, everyone, if you know my parents, please don't share this. But we're recording this on a Thursday. So Yesterday, Wednesday, I had a full day of work. I had podcasts, I had meetings, I had papers to write and review or papers to I had a full day. I had twelve hours of stuff to do. And eleven am I got a phone call, going, your mum's at the doctor and they are sending her
to hospital right now. She's got cardiac issues. She may be having heading towards a heart attack or a stroke. So this is eleven am. Eleven I'm in my car. I'm driving the two hours. There's no I'm not thinking, oh geez, I've got a big day. I'm like, fuck
the day, and I'm off right. So and I canceled everything on the way up, and Melissa canceled things, and and then I got home last night very late, and she's okay, she's okay, she's she's there's a couple of issues, but didn't have a stroke, didn't have a heart attack, and she's you know, there are issues, but but now she's fine. So I am always it doesn't matter how inconvenient anything is. I'm always there. On a practical level, I will always show up. I guess.
So where you are being a particularly a good sign is you are prioritizing their needs.
And you will show up definitely.
You know, if we were having this conversation five years from now, and everything with your parents in the moment worked out in hindsight the way you felt it should, and you felt deeply grateful, Yeah, tell me what happened, Tell me what this whole thing looked like.
Right, Well, I guess you know, I don't want to be trite, you know, I guess I did everything that I could. I fucked up things, but you know I did everything that I could to the best of my ability, with the best intentions. And I don't have any regrets that would be my ideal about what I did or didn't do, or what I could or couldn't have done, or Yeah, like I I'm very I'm not good at seeing people that I love in pain. I'm fucking terrible at it. And I know I can't solve everything, and
I don't want to solve everything. And I know I'm not the fixer. I know that, but I'm really good at playing that role, you know. So I guess in five years, if I look back and things went well or as you know, well as they could, that I'm I don't have any guilt or self loathing or regret. I guess that would be the ideal for me.
So as long as you know you everything you could, yes, But the fear, yes, The emotion here is right, the fact you're not sure how much you can do and how much.
Of this is in your control, Yes, And I guess part of it for me. I guess part of it for me is letting go as well as doing everything
that I can. But also, at the same time, you know, I like, I'm not trying to keep them alive for twenty years, like if they're I don't want to put numbers on it, right, but if it's a shortish time or a longish time, I want them to be, like I said before, as comfortable and as safe as they can feel, but also I know that, you know, there are things of course, there are a myriad of things that I can't control or influence, and so I guess, uh, maybe I invest too much energy in that, or maybe
maybe I I I don't know.
Too much, wait, hold on too much energy?
Yeah, like like like I know I can't make everything awesome, but I kind of want to.
Yeah, I can't.
I can't. I can't make everything awesome. You know.
So if if you find yourself in a situation where things are beyond your control to effects and there's nothing you can do, mm hmm, who do you need to be? For your parents?
As cheesy as it sounds, I just want them to both feel seen and respected and loved. And I think as some people get older, they feel like their life and they're all of the things that make up their life, you know, from taking care of themselves personally and money, and they feel a bit like it's being hijacked by you know, all the busy bodies. And there's a real reluxed reluctance two to let other people help, sometimes even
great well meaning people. Yeah. And so sometimes if I see them, you know, in a pattern or a behavior or a state or whatever, which I think is I think right by the way is not serving them. Maybe, you know, it depends on what it is, I guess, but I think there are times when I just need to let that be rather than trying to intervene or trying to fix or trying to solve or Yeah, I
don't know. It's I think to also, mister therapist, it's like it's a myriad of intersecting things, isn't It's about emotions, and it's about it's about practicality, and it's about history, and it's about family dynamics, and it's yeah, and also I guess, at the risk of what does this sound like, I'm not even going to fucking qualify it. I'm just going to say it is not wasting energy on things that don't move the needle. And I think I probably do that, not just with that, but with other things
as well. And I wouldn't say I'm particularly in general a big worrier. You know, I sleep great, I'm very grateful for my life. But with Mum and Dad, it's probably the one thing that I would say I worry about, where.
Does your where does your attention need to be? Instead? In relationship?
Dad in relation to them. Yeah, just on the things that I guess I can influence, not control, but the things that like what's in my control what's not And I don't mean controlling them, but the things that I can do and the things that I can influence, which is going to be a positive for them?
What are those? What's the number one thing that you can control? Right now?
I guess what I give attention to and then my actions. You know, there's probably you.
Know and what is and what is that that doesn't change no matter what happens. What can you give your attention to that really matters regardless of what's going on.
I guess, like I'm trying to constantly figure out what they need, not what I think they need. So there's a there's a gap, you know, what they actually need and what I think because you know, when you are uh, when I am so, I am an inherent problem solver analyzer. You know, let's break this down, da da da da, And in some contexts and situations that's exactly what's needed.
And sometimes with Mum and dad depending on you know, like they just sold their house, right, so there's stuff around that where I really need to have conversations with people and sometimes uncomfortable conversations with people, all of that, right, But that's all just the practical external stuff. But in terms of in terms of them, I feel like I'm being repetitious. Apologies listeners. I don't know if this is worth listening to, by the way, but anyway, I don't know. I don't know, mate.
Well you said, you said that you talked about what they need. What do you think they need?
Yeah? Yeah, right right?
What do they need most right now?
Uh? Sometimes I don't know. Are you talking about practically or perhaps emotionally like all of it? Of all? Yeah, So I think the main like what they need is they need to know that I care, which they know. They need to know that I will be there, you know, as fast as humanly possible. Obviously if they live down the road, that would be easier, but they don't. And I think this is sounds weird, but they need respect, you know, it's funny, especially my dad. My dad's very proud.
Don't get me wrong, everyone, I love my dad, but you know, sometimes him and I clash, right, and he he needs to be heard and respected and yeah, yeah, and and to feel like what he's saying matters and he's still in his mind very much the head of the house, which is great, you know, and sometimes I yeah, sometimes I probably don't do that.
Well, it's really hard you have you have a complex relationship with dad. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, it's it's interesting. I mean I am yeah, like whenever you go through something new, I mean, this is new and and I guess the funny thing is two, Like, there's no set way to do this. If you were talking to another guy or another girl going through something similar, the issues and the challenges and the dynamics and the solutions and the problems would be different or a version of different, you know. So there is no three.
There's no right answer on this.
Yeah.
So as we're talking about this at this point in the conversation, what if anything is clearer for you or are you taking from this?
I think that I like, I like, I like the way you're not solving any problems. I'll answer that, And I like the way you're making me think and making me or steering me towards a different perspective. But I think, I think because I think about the situation and what's going on in a certain way, and then you hear my version of what's going on. But you're not in my version and you're not in the reality of that. But that is good for me because you can see
what I can't see. And I think for me, after this, really I will reflect on how I frame everything and the way that see. For me, there's a tendency to overanalyze my behavior, right, but to reflect on my behavior and reflect on even how I think about all of this, because I think sometimes there's the problem and then there's how I think, or there's not the problem, there's the situation,
and then there's my thinking about it all. And sometimes my thinking about it all is thirty percent of the problem or maybe seventy percent of the problem, you know. So that's you know, almost that trying to see things through a different lens.
You know, for men, you're going to be intentional about stepping back and getting a broader perspective on what different people need, what are all the variables, and try to move out of you're thinking that you're caught in in the moment. Yeah.
Also for me, I think and like I don't really it's probably more than twenty years than a that I've lost my shit as in, you know, got real angry when people look like, oh my god, get out of the way. I'd say it's least twenty years, twenty five years maybe, And I didn't, and not that I was particularly I was not at all a violent person or
a particularly angry person. But I do have that capacity when I feel like someone that I love or something that I love is being mistreated or threatened or exploited or where i'm i'm, I can elevate, you know. And I just think that there are times when I'm in something to do with mom and Dad where my emotions are running the show. I'm not you know, I'm not yelling.
I'm not, but it's like I don't I don't regulate my emotions as well as I should, and obviously so when my emotions are running the show or running a big proportion of the show, you know, or as a neuroscientist would say, kind of when my Amigdela hijack's my prefrontal cortex, I'm not thinking, I'm not really thinking clearly or communicating in a way which is the best way
to communicate. In this I'm kind of I'm i'm it's more about me than them in that moment, although I think it's about them, but it's actually about me and my frustration.
Yeah, well that's that's a lot of self awareness, and there's a lot there's a lot of emotion and pain that you're a.
God because we need to we need we need to wrap up. But one so love and appreciate you. But I think not. But and like if you and I know you're not the advice guy, and I know you're not the problem solver or the answer giver, but what would you as for for this, you know, a moment in time that happens to be recorded. What would what would your advice be for me? I'm not saying what's the answer, I'm not saying what should I do? But hmm, what what would you what do you suggest for me?
Well, just from what I intuitively feel that I'm observing, I would I would ask what would be like, what are the things that you need to look at a little bit more carefully in terms of the emotional dynamic
of what you're going through, what you are needing. I understand it's about your parents, and I understand you might not have time or space to even think about that because you know you need to just be there for them, Yeah, but it would be it might fare a lot better for you and for them, Yes, to think about this now, what they need from the relationship as your parents, and what you need from your parents as their son. Then doing it later or wishing you had.
Yeah, yeah, mate, I appreciate you. Thank you for doing this. Yeah, it's been uncomfortable but also kind of great. So thank love you. Thanks mate, Love you too.