#2109 Discomfort as a Path to Comfort - Harps & Tiff

Think about it, how broad is intelligence? And like, you go to one room, you're smart, another room, you're fucking more. On another room you kind of average. But it's and I get which is very bad. I should admit it, but it's just true. I get frustrated and I'm like, how is this doing this? Like why are you doing this to me? World? And the world's like you're doing it's yourself, dumbass.

And then I thought, well, I'm done on the coaching. No. I got another call this morning. I'm like, of course, we need seventeen sessions on the one presentation. You had enough content for fucking two days of workshop. To do a one hour workshop with two hundred and fifty kids. Do they like you? Love you? Hate you? What was the response?

in love with a dude, I get it. But if you if you like a bloke's podcast, probably no need to go get him permanently stained on your skin.

a little Harp's head behind it. It's like some kind of you know, when people look down those cameras weird and their nose is thirteen times bigger, you know, when that camera's right in front of their face, and they looked down and it looked like that. Also, not that anyone was ever thinking about it, but have you seen my head get someone's else's head?

We just moved all Mum and dad shit and Vin and the Crab and a few other people did it with me. Thank you everyone. He just picks up like fucking washing machines over his head like he has no technique. He doesn't train. But he's just like a fucking gorilla, you know, like thick hands, thick wrist, thick elbows like I try to all the time. Him and I are the same height. He's one hundred and five kilos. I'm eighty kilos. And he's not fat. You go, oh, I

must be big and chubby. No, he's just a fucking gorilla that's lost. He's like a white gorilla in fucking Mafra. But he's very handy, you know. So there's that Yeah, can you move this fridge. I'll just be over here, thank you, Janita hand no good good?

any more bullshit, right. I was thinking today about so I met with our friend Maddie Lansdowne, who's been on the show a lot, this morning, and off the back of that, I was thinking about we're talking about, you know, building a business, and like he's just you know, he's a Newish dad, eleven months old, and he was talking about like he just glowing, like never been happy. I

couldn't understand it. All that, which a lot of people say, which is beautiful, but then now a level of responsibility and awareness and like life gets put through a different lens, like everything is different because because of all those things that the parents listening are right. But I was thinking, how, you know, in the middle of the mess and the mayhem and the extra financial pressure and you know, the sleepless nights and yes, he actually gets up a lot.

And I can tell he does because he's kind of just that like that kind of dude. I don't even know what that means, but he's very compassionate. He's very like yeah, and we're talking about out of discomfort, how really beautiful things happen. And I was thinking about how choosing discomfort can lead to comfort because you know, it's like, well, firstly, nobody wants pain or discomfort or suffering. Nobody wants it,

but there are so many benefits to it. I'm not talking about horrible, you know, or guess sometimes it can be, but you know, but that shit that we deal with, it's just hard, or the strategic pain and suffering that we choose, or discomfort that we choose, And how you're doing something that scares you or is uncomfortable or is in the moment totally undesirable, but when you keep going back to do that hard thing that's kind of necessary

to get where you want to go. I'm at A. I want to be at D, but to get to D, I've got to do all this shit that's unfamiliar, unwanted, uncertain, uncomfortable, all the uns But then eventually the thing that you used to find hard is not hard anymore. It's easy. And not only is it easy, it's now comfortable and maybe it's even kind of enjoyable. And I was thinking about so many different examples of things that have gone in my life where I first hated it and I

wasn't good at it. I was bad at it, but I knew that, you know, I guess a simple level is building a business, you know. And in nineteen ninety I opened my first business with staff and you know, structures and processes and clients and rent and landlords and you know kind of regulations and rules and counsel and

government and bills. And in the middle, like literally three months in, I'm like, I should have just stayed in someone else's gym, paid them a couple hundred bucks a week, and just run my business here because my entire kind of bills were two hundred bucks a week. And now I've got this And then eventually, like you figure it out a bit, and you start to so the guy who's terrible at the leadership figures it out a little bit, and the guy who can't doesn't know what a fucking

ledger is, you know, he figures that out. Doesn't know how to have a conversation with an accountant because he doesn't even know the right fucking questions, you know, or a lawyer about the the the contract that's signing that you're signing or the least that you're signing and all of these things. And eventually you learn and you develop and the thing that was hard becomes easy. I guess the analogy that we've used many times is the hill

and you. The hill stays the same, but you change, and then the hard things becomes the easy thing, not because it did anything, but you did everything, and as a result, your experience of that thing is now joyful. And you were telling me you've just started playing the guitar and you're like serious ish about getting good at it, and you're telling me about how much your fingers hurt.

I go, yeah, here's the cool thing. They'll hurt like fuck, and then you might even have to not play for a day or two because it's almost like they're damaged. Then you'll get a few callouses, then you'll keep playing. Then in six months you'll have much more skill, much more understanding of the music. You'll be much better. It'll sound much better, and you'll have fingertips that like fucking steel,

so there's no pain anymore. To get there. Where there's no pain, there's just every time you pick up your guitar, you're not going, fuck, this hurts my fingers. You're not thinking about that because you're like, I'm not bad at this, like compared to where I was six months ago. Now this is not just comfortable, but this is joyful. But originally it's painful. You're shit at it. It sounds fucking horrible. You're feeling competent, but it's the same, you know, starting

your podcast, starting my podcast corporate speaking. You know, I did five hundred I reckon that were somewhere between complete shit and not five hundred, probably one hundred. There was somewhere between pretty shit and average. But how do you get good will? You get good at by first being not good? You get good bye, you know, being the white belt, you know, being the worst in the room. Well, the bit of that is like the best in the room can't become there's not another rung for him or

her to go up, you know. But for me, I can only go up like I can you know, improve skill and knowledge and understanding and confidence and technique and

fitness and adaptability. You know, but you have to go You have to choose discomfort first, you know, with everything, like think about like the well worn story on this show, but doing six hundred podcasts where you're losing money, but you're losing money but developing skill and knowledge and understanding and like awareness around what makes an okay or a good or a pretty good or a very good. And

you're doing it yourself. You're getting the time on the clock and you're getting you're getting the practice, and you're meeting and talking to different people, and you're learning how to head in the direction of mastery. But unless you go, oh, this is going to be painful for a while, whether that's physical, mental, or emotional or financial pain, there's just going to be pain. And I can't afford it. Like, nobody that does something for the first time is excellent,

even if they've got a lot of talent. So I just think this idea of like it's a little bit popular to pooh pooh comfort because we want to be fucking resilient. Mahuck. We all want comfort, but what we need are challenges and we need to know. Yeah, sure, but you also want that time where oh this is fun, this is comfortable. You know, life is not about constantly pushing yourself up that hill but also swings and roundabouts.

And you know whether or not it's that or even I think the work of the real work of developing the self and understanding the self that is you, the self that is me, and realizing I don't know much, like I don't know much, or even in conversations where you've got to pull your head in and go, oh, it's wrong, or I'm in a conversation with somebody and I just can't keep up. I don't know what they're talking about. I don't understand this language. With this my

knowledge as a one and their's as a nine. But just sitting in that and going cool, Well, maybe I'll just listen, and maybe I won't try to keep up. Maybe I won't try to demonstrate any level of competence or proficiency because right now where I am, I'm not and that's uncomfortable because I'm insecure and I've got an ego and I want you know, all that shit. So yeah, I think the path to comfort, ironically is through discomfort most of the time.

that first boxing fight. That was I remember standing in front of the ring and looking and going, oh, this ratio of at that time was twelve weeks of discomfort of getting punched in the face of being anxious and uncertain and imposter syndrome and bleeding and hurting and walking in the gym and knowing that I was, in no uncertain terms the test person in that training camp and turning up anyway, like all of that was sacrifice and pain.

And at the end of the day it was like this four to six minute experience and I kind of went, oh, it takes that much sacrifice and pain to get this much in inverted Comma's glory. What's what meaning did that have to me? And why is it worth it? So because if you don't have an understanding of what it means to you, there's no way anyone's doing that. And sometimes we chase the wrong thing or we don't understand the meaning.

is changing me. There's a lot to learn here. I was a bit confused as to why I wanted to keep stepping back into this hard, horrible place. It was the first sport that I didn't feel good at that I went, I'm going to do this again. Even though most of my emotions most of the time were negative feelings in me they were there were fear and anxiety and hurt.

of those things are bad achievements. But then how many people go, oh, god, I'm good now. No, there's always that It's almost like a letdown because I thought when I did this, then I would feel like that or I would get that, and or this would be the emotional and psychological consequence of doing that, achieving that, earning that, owning that. It's like, yeah, but you're still going to be insecure even with your new jacked body. I know,

I've seen that. I've never met anyone who's got in great shape and everything else because of that has just been tickety boo, like never, there's always And it doesn't mean getting in shape is bad. It doesn't mean earn hundred grand a year is bad. It's amazing if that's

a goal of yours, you know. Like, but I think the mist or the overlooked part of this is not what am I achieving or raising my hand to or how great am I at this or podcasting or how much skill have I developed or how proficient am I? But it's rather who am I becoming in this? Like what is the me that exists in twenty twenty six versus you know, twenty sixteen verse two thousand and six. And it's like, we think we want something that people

can see, you know. It's look what I did, and I think what we need is something that people can't see. You know. It's that oh that just that so many times I've sat down with people and we talk about what they want to do be create change, and we dig and we dig and then they go this, and then I go, yeah, but beyond that, and they go this. Then I go, but why, and then they go this. And when we get down through the seventy two levels of what they think they want, what they want is

to be calm. What they want is not to be anxious anymore. What they want is some self esteem and self worth. What they want is love and connection. And we think that that thing will be a con that external thing will automatically be a byproduct or a conduit

to that internal thing. You know, when I got in really good shape, when I was a kid from being really out of shape, I think I worried more about my body then, because then I was more insecure and more egotistical and more worried about losing it, like oh fuck, and I'd get a bit I just can't say what I was going to say, but I'd gain a bit of fat, and I'd be a fucking neurotic. You know. I'm like so so vapid, so fucking insecure, so all

about getting my identity through things. And while like, you've done some really good things and you and I can, well I can look at them objectively because I'm not you and I didn't do it, but I can look at those things, and I'm super proud of you. You've done over a thousand podcasts on your own show, which is amazing. You've got kids who want to fucking your autograph on their arm, and that's all good, but it's

kind of bullshit, do you know what I mean? It's it's good, it's a good achievement, but I want to know in the middle of that who you are and who you're becoming and who you are for them. And it's the same with me. I think I know that I can get on the stage and be amusing and funny and reel out some shit that makes me sound smart and read the room and all of those practical skills that you develop and that talent that you develop, and it's not that it's disingenuous, but it's like, okay,

but what's the point? You know? The point is primarily, I guess to help people and maybe inspire and coach and all of that. But then you know, then so many people that I know have been successful from the outside looking in, it's all shiny and amazing. It's all razzle dazzle. And look at them and look at what they're earning, and look at where they look at their numbers on body social media, or they're singing on this show, or they're and all of those things are good too.

But when they're away from all of that, so many people are broken. Like the shininess the outside looking in is amazing, but the inside out experiences dogshit, which is why we can not always but we can see people who are in inverted commas successful according to our culture.

Oh wow, they're killing it. They're crushing it, are disproportionately sad because you figure out that getting stuff and owning stuff and having a brand and having people think this or that of you, it doesn't fill that hole, you know, and it doesn't. But I think just we've digressed a little bit. But I just think that ability to go like a really small example. So I've got a hand in a thing tonight for one of my papers. It

gets submitted tomorrow to a journal. And I started at about eleven o'clock just looking at there's paper that my academic team, which is you know, Melissa, who's my research assistant and Chris and loosing my supervisors, and we've all written this paper like I'm I'm the lead researcher allegedly, but you know, but so I had to sit down with this this paper and that's you know, it's twenty nine pages, which doesn't sound much, but to read one page of this paper, one page and to really digest it,

understand it, even though it's my paper. Just to go through every letter of every word of every sentence of every paragraph to make sure there are no mistakes, it took me nearly five hours, five hours. Three pages of that is references. So twenty six pages took me nearly

five hours. And you're just you're sitting in in your little space with no distractions, no noise, no I put my phone in the other room, I turn it on silent because you you know, and it's like this is fucking horrible, but it's like, oh, yeah, but this is what I need to do, or this is what I choose to do, and not everything that I want to do that's going to create an outcome will be fun

or painless or easy. In fact, most of those things that are really worthwhile, at least for a period of time will suck, and I was feeling sorry for myself. I was trying to figure out how I could do it quicker. How could I use chat GPT to help here? But no, dude, you've got to read every word and every day you've got to go. Is that apostrophe necessary? Is this space is? Does that make sense? Is it

like everything? And that's just one little thing. And it's that I had a bit of a pity party for myself. And then because the first page took an hour.

want to be successful, whatever that means for you. By the way, doing all those external things that are great is great. It's great, But you are not an outcome. You are not a bank balance, you are not a job. You are not a brand on you know, Instagram, You're none of that. Like that tells us about you, but it doesn't tell us who you are. Just tells us what you do, tells us where your energy is, where

your skills are, and they're all good things. But this idea that when I get that, then I'll be different and better and good so often just not true. It's just not true. And that's that, you know, that reflection of like ll that awareness that like, I I'll shut up after this. But I don't know how many people I helped get in shape. Thousands, I don't know anywhere

near exactly, but you know a lot. And the people who were then truly satisfied for a long term, it's hardly any because then they're like, oh what about this? And you know, they hold up their arm and there's like half a millimeter of loose skin or something, or you know what I mean. No matter where they got, it wasn't enough because it's not about that thing. But we think it's about the thing. And then you get to the thing. You've done it. You've dicked the box.

You're there, you are where you wanted to be, but you don't have the feeling or the experience or the state that you thought you would. So instead of realizing, oh, it wasn't about that, we go no, two more kilos.

I'm like, there's no way. Like maybe my brain has the capacity to do that type of work, but I don't.

I'm like really not wow. And also if you had to ask me when I was thirty, I couldn't have done it because I just didn't like it didn't mean anything to me. I was busy dicking other boxes, doing other things, you know. And then someday you maybe maybe get to a point where you go, you know, maybe I could do this, or what if I did it? Why would I do it? You know? What are my reasons? You know? And you know, so it's there's no right or wrong in terms of global choices. Oh everyone should

do this or everyone should do that. No, you need to figure out what it is that you want to do. And then, as I did a solo episode the other day about digging into the why, like what's your reason? It's all well and good to go, yeah, and then and then what like, the idea for me to finish this and then just do nothing or not do nothing, but do no more research or study, I'm like, scares

me a bit and excites me a bit. So my next challenge is to not fucking do any of this and just try to find purpose and joy in you know, other stuff, which I already do. So yeah, it's that I think, what is the hard thing that I need to do that I don't want to do that will help produce the existence or the reality or the outcome that I really need, not even want? Like, what do I actually need not want? Because I want lots of stuff that probably wouldn't make my life better, you know.

And but that kind of.

that's not everyone. But I think beyond that, like just you know Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Have you heard of that? Yeah, which is kind of all the shit that we just need for survival. But then above that, it's like my needs are really emotional and psychological, like really, it's like I want to be connected, I want to be loved. I want to be I want to be of value. I want to feel like I have a purpose bigger

than me. It's like we were talking just before, and one of the things that makes me periodically stressed but more often happy is when people go out of their way to come and see me, to talk to me, including flying from other states to sit with me for one hour, which I wouldn't recommend to anybody, but people want to do it. And just realizing how great that people want to sit with me and talk to me and they value me in that way and they respect

me in that way, and like that's a blessing. Like, you know, I would rather people think I'm a genuine person than I'm fucking hot or super talented or I couldn't like that appealed to me once, but it's so vacuous it just doesn't lead to For me, it doesn't lead to anything spiritually, emotionally or psychologically nourishing. It doesn't feed me.

without being arrogant or egotistical. I think we need self love. I think we need to go you know what, as much as I can be, I think I'm doing okay, you know. So it's all about self awareness, not self loathing. But that for me, it's like I've said this probably

ten times in eight years on the show. But if I got offered tonight to talk to ten thousand people in a room for no dollars or one hundred people in a room for ten thousand dollars, I would hand on hard choose the free gig because for me, being able to reach ten thousand people impact ten thousand people in real time, face to face, in a three dimensional kind of real life. I can see, touch, feel humans, I can hug someone, I can laugh with someone, I

can cry with someone. So that fuels my spiritual, emotional and psychological bank balance way more than a few more dollars in the bank or a lot more dollars in the bank, because you get to you get to a point some of us where many of us maybe not everyone, of course, but you get to a point. And I don't mean about owning heaps of shit, but you go, how much money do I need, like need, not want?

And how much stuff do I need not want? And one of my goals this year and I hate being a person who sets goals for the years, but fuck it, here I am hands in the air, is just to basically get rid of everything that I don't use or really want and I just have so much. You know, He's an example, and then I'll shut up. So last night I thought I'm going to get did I tell

you this the guitar story. Anyway, I'm going to take my I've got a mate on guitar, which is a beautiful guitar, and it's kind of people who play guitar hold them in relatively high regard there. They're just nice guitars, right, and then it just gets not used nearly enough. And I bumped into a guy that I know who fixes guitars, three strings guitars, kind of gives them a tune and service. I'll give him a shout out. His name's Ron Lees. He's in Hampton Street. He's got a music store. He's

a beautiful human being. If your kids or you need lessons or I'm just giving him a plug because he's just rock solid human right and being in music his whole life. Anyway, So I bumped into him the other day. I said, mate, I've got to bring my guitar up because it's fucking sitting in the corner of my bedroom on a guitar stand, crying because it gets no attention and it just needs new strings, needs a bit of love.

And anyway, because I haven't taken it anywhere for ten years, five years, I'm like, I better go find my case. So I go to this wardrobe or this closet that I never open, and there was three cases in there. I'm like, why the fuck have I got three cases? Anyway? So I get out the one on the top. I take it in and it doesn't quite It fits in, but it's a little bit too snug, right, and I go, well, maybe maybe i'll get the next one on the pile because that seems a little bigger. So I got the

next one. I'm like, fuck, this case is heavy. Had another guitar in it, right, had a Fender. Do you know what a Fender guitar is? So the fucking burger with a lot a Fender acoustic, which are not very common, And I'm like, I forgot I had this. And then I went, well, I can't put it in here, and maybe i'll put it in the bottom one. I pulled that out. There was another guitar in there, So I

had two guitars I didn't know about. That's how much shit I have, right, And so I'm getting all of them fixed and I'm going to give at least one of them away. And they're all beautiful guitars, right, Yeah.

But it's just like, what's my reason with everything? Why do I do this? You know, I bought a fancy car a year ago, I would say a year and a half ago. I would say, I drove it seven times, this fancy car in the garage and my way less fancy car in the driveway, which is worth a dollar eighty nine. I drive every day, right because I don't like I don't care what people think or otherwise I would drive the fancy car. And then last week or the week before, Tommy Jacket shout out to Tommy. Tommy goes,

can I buy your car? The one that you never drive? I'm like, yes, let's figure out the price, and he bought it. I'm like, okay, and now it's gone. I don't even fucking miss it. I don't even miss it. You know, it's so dumb, but we all buy into that. Have you got a lot of shit to throw out at your joint? Like, of all the stuff that you have, how much of it don't you use?

your dinner. And Scott in that order. Oh there's so many great things I could say right now, fuck and great. I won't say any of them, of course, we don't want to be.