#2108 Can We Change the Way we Think? - Harps

done something with the thing that you found useful. So we spoke a lot over the last couple of days, or the last couple of sessions, I should say, about trying to understand, you know, the feedback that life is giving us. What we what's my life telling me? What are we going to do with that? Starts with awareness, the acknowledgment, then a decision, and then some action and some on which I think that's a good kind of

door to open for us. Then we spoke about the idea of the quality of our questions relating or correlating to the quality of our life, with thinking being that when I ask myself for better question, I'm more likely to gain a level of awareness that I didn't have or couldn't have achieved without the question, because I start to think about all the underlying stuff rather than just

looking at the outcomes. In isolation. So we absolutely know that there is a relationship between the quality of the questions that I ask and the outcomes that I produce due to all those middle bits. You know. So I ask a good question, then I'm more resourceful, more creative, more solution focused. I tend to make better decisions. I tend to do better things because I ask better questions. I've got some clarity perspective, and so that is a

really good way to create shift. That is a really good way to increase one's self awareness and also to get a level of I guess, understanding and insight about us. Why do I do these things? What is like? What do I eat this way? What do I socialize this way? Why do I respond or react that way? What is what is the reason behind all of that? Not so that we can self loathe or criticize, but so that we can understand us more with the the premise of much of what I teach and coach is about, well,

if I understand me better and secondly others better. But if I start with me and I understand me better, then I can self manage and self regulate and improve my self awareness so that I don't stay what's the word I'm going to say, stuck in that behavioral groove or that ritual or that that habit that isn't particularly

helpful or healthy. We spoke a lot about how we think and why we think the way that we do, and our drivers, our motivators, our underlying reasons, which we put that all into the category of what's my why, What is the underlying thing that's driving me worseeeing me, prompting me, forcing me, even though it's me to do the stuff that I do, the good stuff and the

bad again, all about understanding. We spoke about understanding on a metacognitive level, exactly why I do Oh because Mum, because Dad, or this environment or school, or the media and social media that I'm exposed to, the ideas and philosophies and theology, and all of the things that I have been exposed to and you have been exposed to up until right now listening to this, all of those things have contributed to your version of reality, your cognitive landscape,

your emotional landscape, your beliefs, your ideas, your ideologies, your philosophies, your fears, your phobias, your values, everything that makes up that internal cognitive and psychological, so brain stuff and then the psychological stuff which is intertwined, and then stuff, and under that would be the fear stuff and the overthinking stuff and the self doubt stuff, all of those myriad of factors internal we'll just call them the internal stuff

that influences, if not controls, how you see life, how you respond to life, how you either become a passenger in your own life. So you're not running the show. You're like a character in a story, the you story that you're not actually writing. So how do we become the creator of our own journey, the creator of our own destiny, the writer of our own story? All of that stuff and more so, now that we cover the kind of why do I think the way that I do?

Where did my reality come from? Where did my subjective version of the world come from? I think the next thing to think about is does it work? Does the way that I we're talking broadly speaking, does my attitude broadly speaking in relation to life and work and other people and health and wellness? And does my outlook work? Does my attitude work? Do my beliefs kind of support me or sabotage me? Do they propel me up? Or do they drag me down. So it's thinking about that,

and then what I want to talk about. First question tonight I want to address is not why do I think the way that we do, because we've done that, but rather how can I change the way I think? So I've prepared nothing other than the question, big surprise. So if i'm meander, if I stop and start a little, forgive me, because this is organic, real time coaching, without notes,

This is me thinking as I go. So if I start with me as an example, there were a lot of things that I used to think and believe and accept as absolute truth that turned out not to be absolute truth, that turned out not to be real, that turned out not to be the best way to think, not the best ideas for me, not the best plans for me, and many of those I didn't really choose, perhaps none of them, I guess generally, as I've said before, these things kind of happen. The way that we think

is just a byproduct of stuff. It's a by product of where we've been and what we've seen, and who's been around us, and who we listen to, who we respect, who we like, who we pay attention to. And this could be real people in real time in the three D dimension that is life, where you're bumping into them, working with them, going to school with them, living with them, hanging out with them, socializing with them. So there's that.

But then I think the better question, or the bigger question that comes from that, is how can I change the way I think? Because you can't just think think yourself into different thinking. Right, So what I have done, and what I've supported many other people in doing, is a few things. And one is not because necessarily you want to latch onto some new theory or idea or operating system, but rather because you want to become more informed. You want to understand a world bigger than your mind.

You want to understand a reality, or at least have a peek into a reality that isn't yours. I wrote something earlier about hang on, let me just turn around some my whiteboard. No it's not, I wiped it off anyway, I think I wrote. Yeah. The question that we should all ask ourselves at something like this is could I

be wrong? Could I be wrong? Think about that? How many of us go through life certain values and certain beliefs, and certain ideas and ideals and things that we cognitively, psychologically, sociologically, emotionally hold on to and we believe. I'm not saying we shouldn't have belief, but do we ever think, oh, could I be wrong? Or even in the middle of an argument, when we're going at it with someone and we know we're right, We know we're right, that's why

we're arguing because they're wrong. Of course they're wrong. Of course we're right. How many times in the middle of that do we truly and I mean there's no bullshit, no bullshitting yourself, do we honestly think I wonder if she's right and I'm wrong, like humbly, authentically consider the real possibility that what's coming out of my mouth might be flawed. It might be a bit wrong, it might

be totally wrong, it might be a complete untruth. I think about how many times I've gotten things wrong, how many mistakes I've made, how many beliefs I have that turned out to be flawed beliefs, how many truths I held onto that weren't truths, they were just my version of the truth. This is one of the challenges with being human is that we can simultaneously build and inhabit a personal reality all the while thinking this is not a personal reality. This is Capital thhe v universal reality.

So this is not Craig real, This is just real. And so one of the ways that we begin to change the way that we think is to begin to consider the fact that, oh, there things that I think might be wrong. Well, no, shit, Sherlock, of course they fucking can do. You know why? Because you get things wrong probably every day, you probably have for years and years, not because you're bad or flawed or broken, because you're normal,

because you're a human and humans get shit wrong. I mean, stud and learning and researching my ass off forever, I still think I probably get just as many things wrong as before I started the journey. Doesn't mean I don't have more knowledge, doesn't mean I am not a bit more educated, of course I am. But I'm still flawed, I still have ego. I still want to be right sometimes, although I'm aware of that wanting to be right, and

I try to mitigate that in real time. And so being able to change the way that we think needs to at some stage come with a recognition of the way that I think might be flawed, or it might be problematic, or my thoughts lead to paranoia, or my thoughts lead to obsession or are overthinking, or a myriad of other states that we don't want to be in. Do they serve me my thoughts or do they sabotage me? Do they get out of my way? Do they help me get out of my own way? Or do they

get in my way? And so when we talk to other people, we have conversations, and we don't have conversations coming from the perspective of I want to tell them what's right. I want to talk at them, not with them. I want to talk with them. I actually want to say less and listen more. Now that doesn't mean when I open myself up to other concepts or ideas or philosophies that I need to adhere to them or embrace them or even like them. I can still consider someone

else's perspective and think that's dog shit. I can, and I do sometimes. But sometimes I think A and someone else thinks B, and I pull my ego in, and I pull my head in, and I pull my shitty self esteem in and I just go hmm, I wonder if that's true, or I wonder if part of that's true. And also having the awareness to realize that my my world, the Craig world. Nobody lives in that. Nobody lives in the Craig world. Nobody lives in the Craig mind. Thank God,

they all say, rejoicing. Nobody lives in my mind. Nobody lives in my beliefs or values. We might overlap and intersect a little bit, but nobody on the planet thinks the way that I do consistently every day, just like nobody does you. And so our challenges not to be right, but I guess in a cheesy way righteous where we're like, oh, I'm okay with being wrong. I'm okay with being flawed. And if I'm not okay, then I'm trapped in ego because I am wrong, i am flawed. I'm also right

at times. I'm also perfect or close too at times. I'm also brilliant at times. I'm also funny and creative and lovable and likable and generous and empathetic. I'm all of those things, and sometimes I'm a fuck with This is the human experience where we try not to win an argument and the moment that we are concrete or fixed in our thinking. Okay, this is how the world works. According to me, and everyone who doesn't align with how I think the world works, they're wrong. And so what

do I do? I only pay attention to people who resonate with my thinking, to people who resonate with my beliefs and ideals. In other words, I only resonate with people who are essentially a version of me. Wow, fuck, be drunk. That's a massive exercise in ego. Sorry about that little swear bit there, everybody. That was a bit too craigish, wasn't. It's how I talk, It's that's an exercise in ego and insecurity. Ah, I need people to think like me, because if I'm wrong. See, here's the thing.

When we find out maybe you've been believing or thinking something for twenty years, so your sense of self and your self esteem and your self worth, and your certainty and your comfort and your predictability is all tied in to that thing being right. Now, if all of a sudden, that thing you believe for twenty five years, or thought for twenty five years, or five years, for that matter of fact, if all of a sudden you somehow discover, hey, that's actually not true. Not only is it kind of

not true, it's completely fucking untrue. For many of us. That is a huge source of stress and distress. So let's maybe fall in love with learning. Let's maybe fall in love with being less attached to our stuff. Let's not look for our identity in our thoughts or in our certainty about the way things are. And of course we're still going to have guiding principles I do and values, sure, and I have certain ideas and beliefs, and some of

those beliefs are pretty strong. But I know there's nothing that I can as I'm talking to you right now at nine nineteen on Monday, the sixteenth of sixteenth of the second February, definitely not November. There's nothing that I can think of right now just in terms of general beliefs and ideas and that I'm positive I'm right about positive. I mean, I'm pretty sure. But I've been pretty sure about a lot of things. So I don't think we

should be riddled with doubt. I think we should be riddled with awareness and humility, and to try to recognize the thought patterns or the ideas, or the standards that we put in place, or the rules that we create, or the psychological emotional behavior rituals that we create, identify them, write them down, and say this is me getting in my own way, and then consciously, creatively and intentionally think about Okay, so instead of this thought or this idea

or this principle or this behavior, what's an option? What's an option? And I've used this too many times, but I'll just use it because it's clear and it's relatable. So I grew up, as you know, in a religious house and continued on a religious journey for quite a while, jumping in and out of different things and reading lots and sitting in front of lots of in inverted commas teachers, some of them good, some of them shit. I got taught good things, I got taught bad things. I got programmed,

as does everybody who belongs to a group. We're all getting programmed. Don't think it's just religious people. And like many people, I wanted to believe because I wanted to belong. I wanted to believe because I wanted to be part of something bigger than me. But the truth is the objective truth, not the Craig subjective truth is. The objective truth is that some of the people that I trusted weren't trustworthy. Some of the things I were taught were

untrue or misleading. So when I expose myself now to new ideas and new thinking and new people and new conversations, then I'm opening a new cognitive, psychological, and emotional door. And when I hear about somebody coming up with, let's say, and eating and eating philosophy or ideology that is not mine.

And of course initially I'm resistant because I've been talking about food my whole life, thinking about food my whole life, teaching others, writing programs and not diets, but writing overall programs for people where we talk about diet and all of these things. And guess what, I know everything. I know everything because I've been doing this since I was haden, which was four four years ago. So I fucking know. Guess what, Champ, Guess what, Jumbo, Guess what? Fatty Harps.

You don't fucking know. You just think you know. There are some things that he writes on. There are some things you're kind of right but not quite, and some things you're totally incorrect about, and that is okay. I think it's our okayness with being wrong that is the real breakthrough. Sometimes the challenge is not to learn. Sometimes the challenge is to unlearn. Because you have learned and I have learned, and I put that word in inverted

commas with an asterisk. You and I have learned things that are actually the problem because the things that we learned were flawed, the things that we believed were not wholly correct, the things that we believed right were problematic. And then when we believe something emphatically, then we rap emotion.

That's a dangerous thing, it's a human thing, but we wrap emotion around that belief, and then down the track that emotion grows, that belief in that idea grows, that devotion to that thing grows, and now there is no difference between who we are and the things that we think we are, the things that we think our beliefs tell you who we are. Oh, tell me about you. I am a Buddhist. Tell me about you. I'm a Christian, I'm a vegetarian, I'm a this. We don't talk about ourselves.

We talk about the things that we do. Oh well, you eat vegetables. Oh well, you go to church. Oh you build houses. But that's not who at your core you are. That's your job, that's your interest. That's what you think about, that's where you go. They're the people you hang out with. So this is where we kind of and if I'm rambling there turn off. But anyway, I love this shit. Then we start to get to the well, who am I beyond the things I'm not? Because I'm not a job, I'm not a body even

I'm not a weight. I'm not a size, I'm not a number. I'm not an outfit. I'm not a face. I'm not a pair of biceps. I'm not a bank balance. I'm not a review on Google. I'm not someone's opinion. And when we start to discount the things that we're not, but the places we ironically look to see who we are. I want people to respect me as a whatever, as a builder, as a master builder, as a very fucking good podcast, as an academic. Because I'm smart. I want this.

I want that. It's all insecure bullshit, because I am what I am. I am who I am, and what people think of me doesn't change who I am. This is very easily said Craig Harper. I understand, do I ever worry about what people think think of me? Truthfully, not often, but ever, of course I do did, I used to oh all the fucking time. I was so obsessed and so insecure about what people thought of me.

I was constantly looking for approval from people who not only don't they love me, they fucking want me to fail. They take joy in my mishaps and yours. And that's not nice. It's not nice, but it's real. There's lots of things that are real in life, lots of situations and lots of parts of the human condition which are kind of fucking ugly, but it doesn't mean we shouldn't talk about it. Some people want you to win no matter what. Some people are all team you, no matter what,

and that's lovely and that's beautiful. Guess what, it's not very common. What's far more common is people who kind of resent you when you do well. And so it's in our interest to understand all of this without feeling happy or sad about it. Hard, I know, but to understand all this is how the world works, not every person, not every time. And so when I start to intersect with new people, open myself to new ideas, new cultures,

new thinking, new information. When I start to look at research that doesn't support what I already believe and think, oh, that can't be the best way to train, because I've been training for nearly fifty years and I know, so don't fucking come with me. You're twenty two year old with your bit of science. Fuck you and fuck your science. Right,

that's bullshit. That's me. I'm the problem. I'm not saying I need to believe them or believe their science, but maybe it's worth considering them, listening to them, reading the research, seeing how it's done, seeing what the outcome was, because maybe I'm going to unlearn and relearn because maybe I got it wrong. Can we get something wrong fifty years course? Of course? So how do we change the way we think? Well, firstly, we don't assume we're right. We assume we could be right,

and we don't confuse my opinion for my facts. A lot of the things that we call truth or fact or absolute, they're not. They're your version of facts, they're my version of the truth. And so when we stop believing that what we think and our worldview is the worldview, our belief is the truth, it is the one path. And I don't want to bang on, but again, just to convenient example, when we think about all of the different religions in the world, big and small, there's over

four thousand. There's probably a lot more, but that we kind of know of. There's about four thousand. And essentially, essentially, every religion thinks they're the right religion. Everythink's every religion thinks the other religions are wrong. Ergo they exist, We exist. We believe that this group got it wrong for these reasons, and that group got it wrong for that reason. And by the way, we have a hot line to God. No, they think they have a hot line to God. Maybe

they do. I don't know, but is there any evidence. Now I know that belief is about faith. I get that. But faith, as we've discussed on this show before, faith is believing in something you can't prove, which is why it's not called knowledge. It's called belief, which is why it's not called knowledge. It's called faith. I can have faith. I can believe there's a God. I can believe that the Bible's true or partly true. I can believe that God heals. I can believe all these things. But also,

and this is where people recoil. Believers recoil because they don't want to think that possibly it's not true, or some of it's not true, because who they are is so into twined with being right about that book or that theology or this book or that sacred text or whatever, that they have lost the ability to think anything else or to be open to anything else, which is the opposite of what we claim to be. What do we claim to be? Most people open minded? Put up your hand.

If you think your open mind that I ask a room of one hundred people, one hundred hands go up. Put up your hand. If you think you're for the most part objective, one hundred hands go up. Right. Because we like to see ourselves not as closed minded, but we are closed minded as fuck about many things. Because if I am wrong, then I am uncertain. Now. I hate uncertainty. It scares me. I like certainty, So this

is certain I like predictability. And guess what, as soon as we open that door, if I could be wrong while there's of predictability, we like comfort, Well, that makes me uncomfortable. Fuck that idea. I'm right. Oh yeah, I'm right. We're right. Our groups right, our church, out theology, our doctrine, our whatever is right. Now. I'm not challenging any particular group, I'm talking about how the fuck we think This is a matter of thinking, Yes, you can have faith and belief,

and yes, you know. Will I get things wrong in this podcast? Even as I'm talking, I recognize that I'm probably not doing the best job of what I'm trying to share. I recognize that I recognize every day that I'm not the best podcast on the planet or in the top one hundred. Probably. I realize that I'm flawed. I realize that, you know, I do so many things wrong. Guess what, That's okay, because that's not going to stop. Will I get things wrong in the future, Yes, will

you get things wrong in the future. Yes. If I wait till I have no flaws, no faults, and I know everything and I'm certain and I'm right about everything, well, I will never fucking start doing anything. I will never help anyone, coach anyone. I will never think out loud, because that is an impossibility, that perfection is an impossibility,

that knowing all is an impossibility. Having an absolute revelation to yourself that nobody has like only you know this, everyone else who doesn't agree with you, or maybe other people agree with you, so we listen to them again. Confirmation bias. But if they don't align with us, they're the enemy. So we change the way that we think when it needs to be changed. Maybe we don't need to change the way we think about many things. Probably not.

But there might be a couple of beliefs or ideas or programmed kind of operating systems that you didn't choose that are a byproduct of where you've been and who you've been with, and what you've heard and what you've read and what you've been exposed to, and now they form unconsciously part of how you do and how you are, and how you think and how you operate in the world. And you have limiting beliefs that you never chose, You

have limiting ideas that you never chose. They just arose in you over time as a byproduct of what I call social osmosis, where you just get that from other people and are really easy to understand. Example is how many kids that barrack for Collingwood or Carlton or Richmond or whoever these are teams in the AFL Australian Football League. For my overseas listeners, they believe for a certain team because mum did or Dad did or both. And so in our family, we know Collingwood's the best team and

Carlton a shit. And if you think I'm joking about that, they absolutely believe that to the point where they hate other teams. I'm not talking pretend to hate, No, they fucking hate them right now. I understand the emotion of being a supporter and a fan and involved in I get all of that, But we can extrapolate that kind of religious fervor and that kind of over the top absoluteness of thinking to a lot of things beyond religion

and beyond sport. So how do I finish this? I feel like a good place to start is just to go gently, don't beat yourself up, but just quietly and courageously think about some of the things that you're scared to even question that belief. Because if you're right, you'll come back to the same place and you might discover you're exactly right, You've been right all along, and that's well, that's a great outcome. But what if you are holding

onto something that isn't the truth. What if you're holding on to the story that you're not good enough, smart enough, talented enough, something enough to do something that you actually can do like you have the potential to do it. But your story is your belief is your thinking is ah, I could never do that. We actually could, but it just scares the shit out of you. But if your story is, well, I just don't have that talent or that potential, then it makes a lot of sense that

you don't try because you don't have that ability. What if you're not trying has got nothing to do with your ability or potential or capacity, and everything to do with fear, everything to do with your self limiting thinking. All right, team, food for thought, See you next time.