#2107 What's My Why? (Unpacked) - Harps

didn't know how to go. In fact, here's the truth, I never know how they'll go because I don't know what my energy is going to be, you know, not energy as in physical energy, but you know when you bring something and you're like you're in the zone, and sometimes you're in the zone and sometimes you're not, and sometimes you hit it out of the park metaphorically, sometimes you don't. Anyway, the other one, the other day's little seshoire seemed to resonate with quite a few people, which

is really nice. Thank you for your feedback. I had literally about ten questions that I wanted to open the door on, and of course I got through too because I'm a chatty Kathy anyway, So I don't know we could get through one today, we could get through half, but I have eight potential questions left that these are not Look, if you've been listening to me for a while, some of these will be familiar, bit familiar, very familiar, or maybe not familiar. If you're newish, these might be revelatory.

That is, they might be a revelation. They might be new, They might be a brand new kind of thing to consider for you. But these are questions that I have asked people formally and informally, mostly formally. It's not like I wander around bumming into people on the street asking them, you know, whether or not they believe they're truly objective about things or is it just a perspective, a subjective

window you're looking through. Brian, I don't do that. But these are questions that I think in the process of building our best life and our best version of us in the middle of that best life, whatever that means. Also even think about that. I know I'm digressing, but fuck it, think about best we are. Who wants to live your best life? Everyone puts up their hand. I'm like, oh, what's that? And no one knows or no one has the exact same definition, because best life means something different

to different people. And when I say to a group, who wants to succeed? Nobody says I don't want to. We might talk about that later. Despite the fact that everyone will typically put up their hand in an audience to say yes, I want to be successful, put them on the spot and say cool, just tell me what that is for you, many people will stumble or bumble their way through either no answer or a very inadequate answer,

which is really not the truth. It's just something they feel they've got to come up with in the moment. This is not good or bad. This is human. So I think it's interesting to think about what it is you want to do, be create and why. And so that's where we're starting today. We're starting with the white question, but maybe should just finish where I was because I

distracted myself. So I think it's important for us to ask questions, conscious, critical thinking questions along the way, because if we don't, if we don't have that presence of mind and that in the moment awareness of why am I doing this? What am I doing? What am I doing it for? What's my motivation, what's my hesitation, what's required of me practically, physically, mentally, emotionally, time perhaps financially, what is required of me to do this thing? And

is it something that I really want to do? And will it change the direction of my life. Will it make me better or my body better, or my relationships better, or my career better, or my mental health better, or my lifestyle better, or my fill in the blank better.

So I think, while we are actually emotional and social creatures, which is definitely not a bad thing, it's the human thing in the middle of all the humanity and social stuff and emotional stuff, and I'm not sure what the fuck I'm doing stuff, and how did I get here with the fuck stuff all that all that, you know, how did I end up like this stuff, or how did I end up here? Or how come this is

gone so great? Like in good and bad situations, it's important that we try to understand what we're doing consciously, what we're doing unconsciously, what we're doing proactively, what we're doing reactively, what we're doing in a way that is essentially a form of self empowerment, what we're doing in a way that is essentially a form of self sabotage or self loathing, And to in the middle of all of this very subjective human experience of you living in

the middle of your experiences and living in the middle of your emotions and your feelings and your doubt and your self doubt and your power you know, and your skill and your love and your kindness, and the totality in the middle of living right in there, up in the guts. To that is to try to figure out why am I the way I am, not in a critical way, in an awareness way. What do I do the stuff I do? What do I think the way I do? What's my why? And so on and so on.

So let's start with what's my why. I've done things that I just jumped into that I didn't really think about the why. It just seemed like a good idea in the moment, Like I kind of thought about it, but I didn't deeply think about it. I've jumped into things where my story to me was, oh, this will help me, or this will help someone else. I'm generous, I'm amazing, look at what I'm doing. But the truth is I was looking for approval. The truth is I was trying to win. The truth is it was coming

out of ego. The truth is it was coming out of insecurity. Or the truth is it's like I didn't feel like enough. But if I could do this thing, achieve this thing, change this thing, help this person, then I would be enough, and that act, that process would overcome my not enoughness and so and of course when I, for example, when I was an unhealthy obese child, I

really wanted to lose weight. Not because I was particularly concerned with my health or my function or how well I operated or my clinical state, but because I wanted to be liked. I didn't want to be socially invisible. I didn't want to be disconnected from my peers. And so that was my reason. And that's an okay reason, but it doesn't necessarily that why doesn't necessarily end up Even if I do it for those reasons, I don't necessarily end up where I think I would want to be,

and I didn't in a lot of ways. So I lost weight, I got fit, I got strong, some of the things moved on the old needle like, I got more friends, I got more recognition, and all of those things. In that way, it worked. But then what I really wanted, I guess, was to be enough. What I really wanted was self esteem or what I needed. What I really needed was to think highly enough of me, not in an egotistical way, but a self worth, a self knowledge way.

And sometimes we just stumble up into the right place and get the right outcome, and it's fucking amazing. And sometimes we don't. But I think whatever we do, whatever action we take, whatever direction we move in, whatever decision we make, especially I'm not talking about whether I get the milk from there or there, but I'm talking about stuff that is potentially transformative. I'm talking about big questions and big actions. I'm talking about big time commitment. I'm

talking about big energy. I'm talking about the things that you might undertake. So many people that I have spoken to have undertaken a degree. This is very specific, but a degree, an undergrad or a master's degree, or even a doctorate in something because not because they loved it, not because they wanted to, not because they were passionate, but there why was. Let's not piss off mum and dad. Let's not disappoint the family. Let's live up to the

families expect. Do I want to be a doctor? No, but everyone wants me to, and my dad was, and my granddad was, and my elder brother is. So I should be a doctor. And in the middle of the I should be a doctor. There's no passion, there's no real desire to be a doctor for for living one's purpose. With some people it's because they feel obligated. Now, becoming a doctor is amazing, unless you don't want to be

a doctor. If you don't want to be a doctor, and you spend eight, ten, whatever years, it is becoming a doctor, becoming and eventually getting there. I would not suggest that's great because you are now living in alignment,

because out of alignment. Because the things that you are passionate with and passionate about, and the things that make your heart sing, and the things that give you joy, and the things that you're fascinated with and excited about, and the things that you would like to grow and learn in, you're not doing that. You're doing what the other person wants you to do. So you're happy to disappoint yourself, But for God's sake, don't disappoint anybody else

about what you individually do with your life. We're not even talking about their life. We're talking about your life. And this is not about being selfish or self centered. This is about you going I'm enough, I'm good enough. I deserve to do the job that I want. I don't deserve to be a selfless, selfish prick but you choosing the career that you're passionate about is not that that is you being real, That is you being authentic.

If I meet someone, no matter what it is, as long as it's not criminal or illegal, but whatever it is that they want to do, even if to me, I'm like, who the fuck would want to do that? Why would you want it? But if I can sense in the sense in them that this is really meaningful, this is something which they are passionate about, which something that they could be amazing at, or even if they're not amazing, but just that it gives them joy, it

makes them come alive. I've got friends that do shit that I am totally not interested in personally me doing it, but I'm fascinated for them, and I want to talk to them about it because I want to see what is this thing that I find boring that you find fascinating Again, not wrong, not right, not not better, not worse,

just different. Remember, seek first to understand. And your biggest challenge in this kind of dialogue, in this kind of space of building a better you, whatever that means, succeeding, growing, evolving, learning, all this self help, all this personal development of which we speak your biggest challenge will be to understand yourself. Your biggest challenge will be to figure out why you do the shit that you do, good and bad, Why you think the way you do. Let's make that question too,

why do I think the way that I do? And does the way that I think help me or not? Some of you heard me talk about this many times. My question to you, honestly as a coach and maybe as your friend, is once you figure out well, firstly, have you figured out why you think the way that you do? Now? This is not a negative exercise. This is an awareness exercise, and like just as objective as I can be, I can tell you exactly why I

think the way that I do. And I can also tell you that some of the ways that I think, some of those cognitive patterns and emotional and psychological patterns, are a form of self punishment and self restriction. It's like I built for myself when I was a kid, almost like a psychological and emotional prison because I was scared of people seeing the real me and fucking rejecting the real me. So let's just keep doing the pretend me. Let's not let my light shine, because if I let

my light shine, I might kiss people off. So just fucking play small, Craig. And for those who knew me when I was young, you might not have thought I was always playing small, but for me, I was. There were so many things I wanted to do, such such greater things that I wanted to do, so many words I wanted to say, conversations I wanted to have that I didn't because I was so scared of rejection and failure and isolation. And so understanding how you think is

just an exercise in self awareness. And once we start to grasp I think this way because I grew up in this environment, or Mum and Dad had these beliefs, and so their beliefs became my belief so their thinking became my thinking. Now that may not be bad. I'm not saying therefore that's bad. I'm saying, well, you probably never chose to think like that, but rather you just think like that as a byproduct of proximity, almost familial osmosis or sociological osmosis, where you just become a version

of them because you are around them so much. And when you are around any person or any group or anything or any influence or any social media output where you are plugged into that or them or they a lot. It doesn't matter what you want, You're going to be affected by that. So that is going to influence your beliefs, your values, your ideals, your ideas, your thinking. Again, is

that bad? I don't know. I don't know. I've had people around me that have been brilliant and beautiful and amazing in my life, and definitely I am a better person for bumping into them. Definitely I look at things in a healthier way because some of these people in a more critical, critical, not being bad, critical, being clear thinking, logically thinking way. Because even the awareness of oh, you know, metacognition, the idea of thinking about your thinking, I didn't even

I didn't even know that was a thing. Really, like the idea of me trying to understand me was a mind fuck to me, probably until I was forty at least thirty, where it maybe opened the door a bit. But as I get older and I talk to so many people about so many things, and I see fifty people looking at the same thing, while fifty people are looking at a different thing, do you know what I mean?

They're all looking at the same event or situation. So objectively same event, situation, circumstance, but subjectively as an interpretation, all of them are seeing in inverted commas something different despite the fact that it isn't different. So what is that about that is not good or bad? That is human trying to understand the human experience, trying to understand why you think the way that you do, What is working right, what is working and what is not working?

What is literally whole holding you back? Mentally, emotionally, behaviorally, practically, financially, sociologically, professionally, financially, all of it hold what's holding you back in terms of how you think? And then what can you do about that? Question three is how can I change the way I think? How can I change the way that

I think? Well, you need to first recognize if this is you, If what I'm saying you know is about you or in part about you, then you and I we need to recognize that the way that I think is an optimal, it's not optimal. It's not fucking if optimal is ten. I don't know anyone who thinks optimally by the way, I definitely don't. I might have moments of a nine or an eight, but I don't know that I ever had a ten, But how can I think closer to the ten and further from the one?

How can my thinking be healthier and more productive and more calming and more solution focused? And how can my thinking be more attractive I don't mean in a weird way, but more attractive for others to be around one of the If this sounds self gratifying, I don't mean it. But one of the nicest compliments I ever get is not like, fuck, you've got good arms or whatever. That used to be on the list when I was twenty five, but these days is Craig. I love how you think.

I love how you talk about stuff. I love how you think. I love how you explain things, because that's what I want to do. I want to be able to explain things to people or teach in a way that people understand. I want to get how you think. Obviously, right now i'm talking to well, eventually this will be heard by thousands of people, maybe tens of thousands of people, and so therefore I'm talking to ten different thousand, let's say,

ten different thousand people who don't think the same. So my challenge is right now regarding thinking, my thinking and yours. My challenge is, how do I talk about thinking? How do I talk about metacognition? How do I talk about

subjective and objective reality? How do I talk about these kind of abstract concepts in a practical way where not only people understand what I'm saying, and people who are all looking through different windows, all coming from different backgrounds, all having different beliefs and idea ideas and values and levels of cognition and function and dysfunction all of that, how do I share the message, the story, the information in a way which resonates as well as it can

for as many people as it can. Right. That is a deep, deep, deep fucking dive into thinking about my thinking, metacognition, and thinking about your thinking, theory of mind, and then thinking about how you see me, the coach, the podcast or whatever the fuck you call me. Right, And we call that metabception, which is my PhD, which is trying to understand how others perceive an experience and process us.

Not because we're insecure or not because we want to be liked, but we know that when I understand your version of Craig, then I can build more rapport, connection, trust, respect with you. When I understand what you see, just not what I think you see. And if we just circle around this a little bit and we realize in the moment that what you're getting from me is not what I think you're getting from me, then that gives us an in the moment awareness of oh, what are

they getting, what are they thinking? How am I for them?

And this is one of the most misunderstood, I believe, one of the most misunderstood and underaddressed issues in communication and teamwork and leadership and all the other things that parenting that I have no qualification to talk about I know, but I do know about humans, and I do know about talking, and I do know about building rapport and trust, etc. But when we can really start to understand ourselves, and then we can understand or start to understand how old

mates think and in real time old mate that you're chatting to you to, if you can understand how he or she sees you right now, you've got a social and communication advantage not to do bad, to do good. And then if you can, on top of that lart with a bit of metaperception where you think, I kind of feel like this person sees me like this, whereas that's not the way I'm trying to be. And if

you are somewhat accurate, we call that metabceptive accuracy. Then if you are somewhat accurate in that space, now you have an advantage over people, a good advantage, a social advantage, a psychological advantage in the context of this conversation, because you're thinking way more about the stuff in your head and now you have opened it up from our back and forth my sentence, your sense, my sentence, your sentence,

my feelings, your feelings to something completely different. So I think I might leave it there today because I think that's enough, but just to start to think about just recapping what is your why? What is your reason? Why do you do things? And how often do you do things where you don't really recognize or think about the why. The start, we go cool, I want to do this great, That's what I know what I want. That's my goal. That's my goal. That's what I want to do that great.

Let me ask you why you want to do that well, because I think this will happen when I reach that goal. I think this will be the subsequent experience or internal state or outcome or or Okay, I think it's good to question whether or not that might be true. That might be I thought when I got in shape and lean and h you know, a few muscles and that when I was young, I thought, when I got in shape, that will pretty much resolve all of my emotional and

self esteem and social issues. It fucking didn't. I was just as insecure. I was just now. I was lean and strong and insecure. But the insecurity didn't go away because the insecurity was an emotional and psychological issue that I was trying to resolve with a physical outcome. Oh, my shoulders are bigger, my waist is small up, my

body is leaner. Wow, all my self esteem is there and I'm not insecured, or it doesn't fucking happen, right, But if I go in and I go you know, my whata is to get in shape, and my why is because it's healthy, it's good. It might improve my confidence or not, but it's definitely something that I want to achieve for those reasons. That's cool. But also dig if your reason is not that, but your reason has got something to do with insecurity or some emotional or

psychological state, maybe that's where you should start. Maybe you should start dealing with the internal stuff for the emotional and psychological. Doesn't mean don't go to the gym, doesn't mean don't go for a run, doesn't mean don't do anything for your body. But assuming that a physical outcome in this example will create a corresponding positive results on the inside just ain't true. It just ain't true. It's

not automatically true anyway. And in terms of the how we think and you think and they think, just like my advice to you is think about the stuff that you believe. And this don't do all this in ten minutes, but over time, think about when you say something emphatically. I think the next thing to ask yourself is is there any chance I'm wrong? Then if there's any chance that you're wrong, then tone down the emphaticness. Whatever that verb is or noun is. You know what I'm saying.

It's like, and you think about if we're honest and brave and I've said this many times, but if we're honest and brave, and you think about how many times have I been wrong in the past, And the answer would be, unless you're a fucking unicorn, the answer would be thousands, maybe tens of thousands. Betting how old you are. For me, it's tens of thousands, no doubt, no doubt.

I have no doubt that it's more than ten thousand times that I've been wrong little wrongs, big wrong, significant, you know, fucking like life changing wrongs, just because I assume something or made a decision based on false evidence or false information, and so I ate this way because I thought this was the best way. It turns out

it wasn't. Or I trained this way, or I communicated this way, or I set up my business this way, or like trying to understand whether comes from and then gently lean into that this is not our I'm wrong, I'm an idiot. My thoughts are flawed. I'm just a fucking flawed human. That's all self pity and bullshit. You're okay, You're fucking fine. Do you fuck up? Of course you do. Do you do dumb things and say dumb things? Of course you fucking do. Do you embarrass yourself? Yes? Do

you also do good things for yourself and others? Are you also kind and generous at times? Are you also caring? Do you have empathy for others? Yes? Do you also do some things that are really fucking smart? Of course you do well done. Let's put those great things aside, let's work on the other stuff. Working on weaknesses is not self loathing. It's self regulation, it's self improvement. It's literally what we're talking about. All right, team, have a good day.