#2090 Destination Disappointment - Harps & Tiff

SODA's not getting pissed a lot well for quite a percentage, that doesn't work, you know, not being a fuck with well, A few people struggle with that, including me. I feel like sometimes, you know, despite the alleged logic and strategy and critical thinking that comes out of my mouth, I say alleged, it almost doesn't matter. Like the quality of the advice, if we can call it that, or ideas or stories or messages or research or data that we share on this show is probably five percent ninety five

percent is do people understand it? Do they will they do something with it? Will they keep doing something with it? Yeah, which makes me feel a little redundant sometimes, But you know you're going to keep You're going to keep like shout from the rooftops and just hope someone like I think, imagine this like I've literally saved a person's life, which is like, and I don't say that in a brag ghostly way, that's just part of my gene.

what they proposed he might be. He's a fucking weapon. But you know, so, I think if I have a podcast and I don't know how many times, but one person, it saves their life. Maybe not I save their life, but the story, the idea or the hope or the

inspiration or the shift that happens in them. And then they go and do something, and then they get a result, then they get a bit excited, then they make another decision, they do more stuff, and then two years down the track they not me, not you, not asking, they have turned their life around. But it started with a moment in time and the moment in time was this show. And I've had you know, many people say to me, you or your show changed my life, and I always say,

I didn't change your life. You did, but thank you that you took action on something. You know. So I guess my long winded question is is there any point in creating a plan, creating a structure, timeline, process, or that if the person's not genuinely three hundred ready to go.

on Planet tifth in five years, what's next? And I hesitated, and then I remember saying, oh, you don't have to have something, and I was like, nah, I'm not going to because five minutes ago, I think sometimes a plan puts on blinkers because we're not sure, we're not curious about what we want to do, so we picked something, and then cognitive bias leads us down that path we miss everything else. Five minutes before that conversation, I was

never going to be a podcaster. I owned gyms. I'm never going to be doing what I did, and it led me to this thing that I never knew I could do that opened up doors I never knew were closed. And so I think there's there's that part of things. But then there's also the idea that if you're not sure where you're going, you're going to go around in circles. So there's a bit of a catch twenty two on both ends, and it all comes down to what you research around self awareness.

of parallel component to this. I don't know if this is a real term, but I coined this term maybe someone else did too, and it's a destination disappointment, which is when you get somewhere, Oh, you did the thing, you got, the thing, you achieved, the thing you made, the money, you wrote the book, or you fucking climbed the mountain, or you had the boxing experience or you whatever, and then you're like, oh, I still feel like shit,

what's that about? Because you thought that thing would be the antidote to the malaise, the blidness that you found yourself in the middle of. And I mean I've had that, I've achieved great things and then you know relative but then not that it was bad, but I'm like, oh okay, Like, for example, I'm not fat anymore, I'm lean, I'm in very good shape, and but I still feel shit. So clearly that wasn't maybe that was part of the problem,

But what else is going on? So I think trying to understand what it is I really need versus what I think I need?

all of that stuff. But I just had I didn't think it would fix all my problems, but I thought it would do much more for my emotional and psychological wellbeing than it actually did, because I was, as I've said at least twenty times over the last eight years, but I was trying to resolve a psychological, emotional, and

perhaps in my framework, spiritual problems with physical solutions. You know, it's like, oh, Wow, you've got really big arms and they're vany, and you've got big shoulders and you've got abs terrific. You're still a fucking idiot, but you're just in a better body and you're not dealing with the things that are making what's not making you healthy. Craig mentally and emotionally healthy is not the size of your fucking arms, you know. And it's trying to This is hard.

This is trying to have real self awareness, no matter how painful it might be, at that moment of kind of enlightenment or awareness where you realize, oh, I'm just a big fucking baby who's scared of everything, you.

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll polish the bumper bar. You know, you keep because you kind of I think you know, but you know that fixing the engine, Oh my god, that's so big, that's such a task, that's sut so hard. I don't really have those skills. I don't really have that understanding and the idea that I've got to go lift the bonnet and figure this shit out, and there's I can't have anyone really do it for

me in this metaphor anyway, you know. So I think you when you take the easy way not the hard way, you're depriving yourself of the opportunity to you know. Craig Harper speak, grow, learn, evolve, adapt, improve, gain, awareness, insight, understanding all those things. And so I think there's strategic card. I'm going to do this thing that I don't want to do, and it's hard, and it's difficult and unfamiliar, and there is no instant gratification, there is no immediate payoff.

But what will probably happen and hopefully happen over the next year, not the next three minutes, but over the next year. I might build resilience, build awareness, build competence, develop skill, be able to be the calm and the chaos, talk to five hundred people from a stage without doing a little bit of wei every third fucking word, you know whatever, is all of that kind of yeah, because and I think there's like I think there's a bit

of a an over correction. Like so we've got the we've got the you know, like the molly coddling version of the world where you know everyone, we're nerfing everyone and oh it doesn't matter, it's not your fault and it's okay and fuck those people and you're right, and there's that right, which that's not great. But then at the other end of the scale, we've got the alpha males. And I guess in some ways I'm a little bit

of an alpha. But I'm also like, yeah, give me a hug, though, And I cried three times yesterday, and there's some stuff that scares me and I don't know, so I think that that chest beating, you know, like just say what you say, do what you you know, and fuck him. I'm going to live And if people don't like, you know, it's my way on the highway

and all that stuff. It's like, yeah, cool, if you live on an island by yourself, that's fabulous, you know, but you don't you live around other humans who don't share your ideas and your experience, you know, So yeah, I think that, and I'll shut up after this. You know what I was thinking about the other day, I was actually thinking about not even being funny Scott and

you and me. One of the things that you and me and Scott say is I'm a lot, right, And I was thinking about, and I'm not throwing any of us under the bus, but we're almost saying I'm a lot. So you'll just have to cope with me because I'm a lot. This is how I am. I'm full on, I'm a lot. If I rub people up the wrong way, that's their issue, not my issue, because I'm a lot. I'm a lot, hey, you know. And if you can't cope with my lot a lotness, I'm definitely not the problem.

I don't have to change you do, so you work around my fucking a lotness. I'm like, yeah, I've even said I'm a lot, and I kind of you know, you've said it, Scott said it, We've said it together. We're all peas in a pod that way, and I'm like, yeah, that's kind of selfish though, that's kind of me going, yeah, I don't need to work. You need to work because this is just how I am. So I'm just going to be how I am, which is a lot, and you'll just need to figure it out, Champ. You know.

So I was thinking about that the other day, which is a kind of a funny way of explaining a high level of self awareness and empathy. Is like, I really think, not in a good way all the time. I'm a lot, and I need to I need to, you know, modify my behavior and have awareness of how I act and react and respond around people without overcorrecting and without being disingenuous. I still need to be me. But how do I be me with more empathy and

more awareness and more social intelligence? You know? So that's where my book going to, both for.

with for six years. You know, people being in the moments and recognizing that I'm annoying this person and rather than going, well, fuck them, that's not my problem because I'm right, Rather than that going all right, Well, how can I change my behavior or my approach, or my strategy or my conversation or my communication style in real time so that I improve the connection or I at least create a connection not a disconnection, so I build trust,

report or respect. Rather than going, well, if he's not picking up what I'm putting down, fuck him, he's the problem. You know. It's like, nah, dude, that's just you being ignorant and arrogant and unaware. And you know, there'll be people where I sit down with for an hour and I will do half the talking. If I'm being honest, there's probably times, not very often lately, but where I do sixty or seventy percent. Not very often though, thankfully,

but there was a time. But I would think most of the time like I had a coffee with a guy shout out to Chris Welsh Welshie that I did my first degree with, and I have not seen him since two thousand and two. Right, So twenty four years I saw him today. I spent an hour with him. I could tell you a lot about him, and very thankfully we didn't talk about me at all. We didn't talk about my work, what I'm doing. Am I married? Am I not married? Where do I nothing? Because he's married,

He's done multiple jobs since he left Junie. He's got you know, three kids, two girls and a boy. You know, I could tell you other things which would not be fair on him because it's private. But I loved it, and I loved just it being all about him. One because I was genuinely interested. I want to hear what because he was funny as fuck at UNI. But like, think about this, When I started Junior, I was thirty six first time around. He was eighteen. He was a boy.

I was a man. I theoretically could have been his dad. You know. So I was at UNI thirty six to thirty nine the first time around, and most of them were eighteen to twenty one, and they used to look at me like fucking granddad. And I was thirty six, and I go, do you remember how fucking old I was at UNI? And he's like, dudes, you were like granddad,

I'm like, yeah, and now you're forty four, motherfucker. You know, it's like, oh yeah, it's like when you're forty four thirty six as a baby, when you're my age thirty six as a fuck? Can you walk yet? You know? But when you're like it's all context dependant. But I don't know how I got there, but yeah, I think being able to understand how you're experienced by others, which is why I've been fascinated with this topic, and using that to your advantage and their advantage, is a real

sign of social intelligence. Yeah.

as a pastime. I tell stories about it as a speaker because I got so much personal growth out of it, and then I had this experience that relabeled me with that and I always want to step back and experience those outcomes and lessons and that growth. But at the same time, I realized the sacrifice, the sacrifice not only to my brain with the impact of getting punched, sacrifice to my energy, but the sacrifice too, well, it's beautiful.

You get all those growth and lessons. Yeah, and people say these things and you get this level of significance because I do this and I'm different because chicks don't do that. There's still that I tell that story as to why I started, but there's still a bit of that there. Yeah, But then realizing well, how yeah, it'd be amazing. I want to go do that. But then at the end of that, when you walk away from it and the dopamine dies down and you don't grow anymore,

what have you sacrificed. You've sacrificed real relationships and serotonin and experiences and having the energy to go and see the world and to do a bunch of things because I've bought into an identity because it was driven by a set of things under the surface.

how much this PhD has essentially cost me. I'm like, okay, you know, like everything, whether or not it's a pair of shoes. Like if you went out and you know you were going to get some runners, I would think I would assume for you, runners are your if we

factor in all the variables, runners are probably your favorite shoe. Right, I'm sure you wouldn't wear them to you know, a fucking ball, But and so I could if you went out, if you went out and there was an amazing pair of runners, like fucking incredible, and now one hundred and fifty bucks even by two, you know, because you go, that's not cheap. But it's cheap for these. You know,

it's cheap for these. But if the same runners, like you want the runners, you know they're great, you have you know, you would like they're a good product, blah blah blah blah blah. But if there was seven hundred dollars, you're like, fucking no way, I'm not buying seven hundred. Doesn't matter, they could be fucking magic. I'm not buying seven hundred dollars runners. And the thing is that we have a like a line in the sand number or level of commitment that we're willing to invest. You know.

It's like, well, Craig, if you weren't willing to give up this potential money and all of this time, and then you wouldn't have done it. And so now you know, at the precipice of submitting my PhD, I look back and I go, was that a good investment? And for me the answer is yes, But it for some people it would have been the worst investment. Like it depends how you frame it and through which lens or what

metric you are establishing the value of a thing. You know, So I would rather and I've said this before, but if you said you could go to rod Laverna tonight and talk for two hours to ten thousand people for free, but you can talk to ten thousand people live and say whatever you whatever you want, like you can just go do your thing, or you can do a gig over the road to one hundred people for ten thousand dollars.

I would definitely take the free option. Now most people would take option two, which I think for most people is probably the smartest option for a range of reasons. And I'm definitely not rich, but that's probably not going to transform my life that ten thousand dollars. You know, it's definitely a lot of money. I acknowledge that all that, but right now I value connecting with people, teaching, coaching,

being able to interact with really big audiences. I just value that more than the money I get for it. You know, there was a time where it was all about the money, not all about the money, but it was more about the money because I had no fucking money, and I've got to pay bills and I'd really like to own a house one day, and my car's a piece of shit, and you know, I want to have money in case the wheels fall are for you know,

there's all that. So it's context dependent. But I think you know, when you come to you know, physical, emotional, mental kind of investment, energetic investment, it depends on, you know, what is perceived value to you. You know. And I'll shut up after this, and that makes me think about this is random. I'll share it again, and I apologize to probably fifty percent of you who have heard this story.

But you've heard the Banksy story, yes, the artist banks Yes, yes, And you've heard the story about his artwork at a market yep. So I might fuck up a few bits, but this is essentially and the story is that he gave I think it was a dude like eight pieces, eight original Bankses. And I think they did it almost as a kind of a social experiment or an exercise

in perception of seed value or whatever. And so if I I had an original banks he is probably worth anywhere between two, three, four or five hundred thousand dollars, depending on how big it is, how long it took him to do what it is. But you know, I was going to say something terrible. Then I'm glad I didn't. I just rained it once in my life. I fucking rained it in. I have all of these progridges. Yeah, I look at me not saying the thing. Shouldn't say it a lot? Yeah, I'm not being a lot. Yeah,

I don't need to be a lot. I can just be a bit. Maybe I'll get a T shirt with just a bit. So anyway, he had these eight original Bankses, which let's say they were worth two hundred grand each, just to pick a number. Let's say so that let's say let's out one point six million, and this dude's at the market and he's got these original Bankses, and the sign above them says, these are original Banksies, and

they're all like eighty bucks each. But given the context of where they were, and given the fact that the price was eighty dollars, despite the fact that they were one hundred percent authentic, he didn't sell four of them. He sold four, I think, And the four that he sold he had to discount to get a sale, because even though people were passing by, who knew who banks he was, who loved his work, who looked at it, who could have bought a fucking two hundred thousand dollar

piece of art for eighty bucks. They're like, nah, that's not real. I know it's not real and walked on. That's how powerful perception is. You know, what about this?

at about two hundred thousand dollars. Fifteen years ago. That person, over their life has been through some pretty hard stuff and financial hardship, really hard stuff, and they will never They could sell that today and pay off their home, but the emotional value of that for them is so high, and it's so interesting. You go, it's a piece of plastic with a story that lives in their home that they will look at and attached to. But it gives

them something and like, I just it fascinates me. That fascinates me.

I go, I don't blame you. So when when you're talking to somebody who makes a certain amount for a week and then you make whatever it is I want, you know, but for an hour, and then you go, oh, actually, I'm not in the upper echelon of corporate speakers, Like I'm paid pretty well, but you know, there are people men and women that earn two, three, four, five times what I do to stand on a stage for forty five minutes and talk, and once that experience is done,

it's done. But even then you go, I've told this story multiple times too. But I was speaking in a conference in Sydney and I was proceeding Lance Armstrong. Have I told you this? Yeah, yeah, Now this might be bullshit, but I have it on pretty good authority because I was talking to the organizer for a range of reasons he couldn't do it. But I think I was getting paid five thousand dollars, which was for me fucking mind blowing. Like this was, you know, quite a while ago, and

still I acknowledge that stupid money. But he was getting two hundred and fifty thousand dollars. He was getting quarter of a million dollars to stand on the stage. But here's the thing, right, the organizers were okay because the audience was big, they had sponsors, people were paying quite a bit to be there, and they definitely weren't losing money,

you know. So it's like, well, hopefully we spend two fifty, but we get back three fifty or at the very least two fifty, so he essentially costs us nothing well plus whatever. But yeah, it's the whole psychology of value and perceived value. And it's like you and I both we won't say his name because we don't want to intimidate him. But we see the same Chinese doctor medicine doctor who's a legit doctor of Chinese medicine, also has a legit PhD and fucking biological science or something I

can't remember. And to me, so he's got this intersection of wu wu mystical magical powers and this really good scientific understanding and vast experience. And when he treats me, I'm like, he does not understand for me how valuable he is because what I pay to see him is cheaper than what some people are paying a cert for trainer for. Do you know what I mean? For the

same amount of time. This motherfucker's done six or seven years of Chinese medicine, it has done four or five years of a PhD. He's got vast experience, and not only that, he's fucking great at his job. And because I just don't think money matters, but I don't think it matters, matters matters to him, like I don't think it's it's high on the list.

don't speak, I don't share terms with other people. And then she said to the organizer, Oh, so apparently I've got the opening keynote and she said, oh, yeah, yeah, apparently that is a paid position. She why am I not getting paid? Oh, oh yeah it is. We must have just been an oversight. Is ten k okay? So that you just ask a question and go sure it is ten k?

they would know. And also we know you can buy a bottle of wine for ten bucks, right, But I mean, I don't know. I don't drink wine, but I think there's gotta be Oh, in fact, there was that wine study. Do you remember that study? No? Okay, I like, all right, where was it done? I'm sorry for like, come a bit because there's so much shit in my head. Hang on, I'm just jogging up to the back filing cabinet, okay, so I'll give you the hang on. I'm just flicking

through wine study, Wine study, one study, wine study. Here, it is, here, it is. I'll just pull it out. So, oh, actually, can we pause the one second? I find it? All right, we're back.

white wine red. What happened The participants described the same wine differently each time. They confidently detected different flavor notes, different quality levels, even red wine characteristics in the white wine that was dyed red. Trained tasters, so professional tasters were also in the group, so they were not immune. In one famous version, a white wine dyed red tasted used tasters used red wine descriptors tanic whatever that means, jammy spicy. No one knew, not one person knew that

it was white or suspected it was white. The takeaway so the drinking or literally a white wine totally believing it's red, a red wine, which I understand are quite fucking different and totally thinking like, oh this is yeah, this is a red wine. In fact, it's quite this and it's quite that. Ah. The takeaway This wasn't about people lying or being stupid. It showed that perception is constructed, not recorded. The brain doesn't just receive sensory data. It interpreted,

its interprets it through expectation, belief, and content. Okay, so the next question I asked it was did their brain chemistry reflect their belief about the wine? The answer yes, In some studies their brain activity reflected what they believed they were drinking, not just what they actually tasted. Strongest demonstration came from a neuroimaging study by kilk Plasmin and colleagues published in PNAS in two thousand and eight. The

participants straying the same wine multiple times. Each time it was presented with different price labor prices, and labels all the way from cheap through to expensive, and while they were drinking, the participants were scanned using an fMRI what they noticed, what the researchers noticed was the wine was identical. The wine never changed, but their brain neurochemistry or their brain chemistry did. When people believed the wine was more expensive,

activation increased in the orbitofrontal cortex. This region of the brain is tightly linked to pleasure, reward value, and subjective enjoyment. So, in other words, when they were drinking the same wine but they like the cheap wine, but they thought it was expensive, their brain literally responded. The part of the brain that kind of highlights pleasure and so on lit up. PIP.

Participants also reported enjoying the wine more. In other words, belief altered the brain's reward response, not just the verbal report. How fucking interesting is that? And that's all generated by what we think that is.

think you're in danger but are not. You know, heart rate, brain, you know, respiration, blood pressure, all that shit goes through the roof not because there's a danger, but because you have an idea in your head that there is a danger when there is not. So this is I mean ergo like, how can you not be fucking fascinated by your own brain? How can you not be fascinated by your mind? How can you? And I don't mean this

judg mentally, but I'm talking to myself. It's like, I'm fascinated with my what my brain can do, and not because my brain's exceptional, but it's it's mine, so it's the one I've got. So I know. There are times when I'm in a good place and I create really good experiences and it's not about where I am or

who I'm with or what I'm doing. It's about I'm in a good place, like i'm And then there are times when things are pretty good, but I'm pretty shit and I'm having a shit experience despite the reality or the situation or the context being quite good, but I'm not quite good. So then again, we create our own experiences, all the while thinking that our experiences are created by external factors and stimuli, when in reality they're a spot there,

they're produced by our responses to that stimuli. Thinking about our story about.

So rather than avoiding that thing that you kind of have to do as part of your job and every week, you know, being stressed and sick, and is there a way that you could self regulate, self manage, or even change what's going on in your brain and your mind about that thing? So you can get to a point where not only do you not hate it, kind of enjoy it, you know. And again, the situation or the task is not changing, but you're changing. And when you're different,

the response is different. You know. It's like you and the hill. Don't wait for your hill to change, because it ain't about the hill. It's about you fucking adapting. Oh, the hill so hard, the hill so hard. And then we start doing the hill, we start training and losing fat and getting strength and getting cardiovascular fitness, and we do all this shit. Then all of a sudden, the hill's not hard at all, but the hill hasn't changed

one fucking bit. Yeah, the hill's identical. You're different, motherfucker. So your reality is different, and it's not because you changed anything external. It changed your the way that you interface and interact with that hard thing that eventually becomes the easy thing.