#2083 I'd Probably Make a Bad Dad - Dr. Sam Casey

most of the time, doctor Sam. Forty four in Melbourne yesterday and forty three today, so and really windy and lots of fires. So and we're not conditioned to it.

will do that. And then I really want to do a holiday that is actually relaxing and I get to slow down that pace. And I got that too, So it was great.

But what generally happens when you only use your holidays when your kids have holidays is you're actually just parenting in another city or you're doing probably more of the things at home. And so even though you view being with your kids as cup feeling, you actually come back even more to plead. And so when I think about the things that fill up my cup, I think, you know, I love to spend time alone and traveling and sitting with myself and going at my own pace and giving

myself what I need. And of course I also like to be with my kids and do fun things and pick up that pace. And so yeah, the Argentina trip because it was without the kids. It was really it's actually uncomfortable, I think as a mom, when you're so used to focusing on others and taking care of others, to have a holiday where you're like, what do I want to do? What do I want to eat? Where do I want to go? And you know, it's kind of relearning to trust myself and listen to my cues,

and that feels very restorative. And then because I've had that, right, I come back and I'm in the mode of having, you know, the kids around and doing all, you know, the kid kind of related activities. But I know what the purpose of that is. That purpose isn't actually a relaxing holiday for me. It is to spend time with the kids, which is cut feeling. And so I think

it's really important. You know, we often as moms try and multitask all the things, and I think I'm very much about being present and I love being able to be present with myself and present with my kids, and sometimes that means to separate the two.

in the freezer. So she's still cooking for me, and she's still worrying because I look gaunt or you look skinnish, tells me, I look that. She's not trying to be insulting.

completely shut down. And I remember the first flight I took away from my child, and it was like a medical appointment because I lived in you know, wook book and I had what I felt like it was an anxiety attack on the plane, like I just I struggled, And for me, that was an indication of I need

to do this more. This is not healthy, this is not good for him or for me, And so I was conscious of that and I worked up, you know, to that I made sure then when I wanted to quit all my work and study, I made sure that I kept that. I made sure that I built in these things. And so you may look at three weeks being like wow, but it definitely was a lead up to that. And I remember the first time I did

a three week block. It was last year actually, and I not last year, the year before, sorry, and I did not want to do it, like the thought of three weeks just felt debilitating. And I remember actually my own dad waking me through that, and it was interesting because it kind of called me out on the stories I had attached to that of why that wouldn't be okay and how I would not survive or the kids

would not be okay. And when I realized that these are just stories and if anything, it's going to help me towards my own growth, I pushed through it, despite the anxiety, despite me wanting to cancel it, And honestly, that was the most I would say life changing trip I've had for myself and it completely changed the course of my life into in terms of where I was going,

and I didn't even realize it. It was years before I actually stopped, you know, like I was actually on survival mode for quite some time, and that trip was

really pivotable. And this was in twenty twenty four. It was so pivotal towards the direction I was going in because for the first time I actually just sat with myself and I didn't think about what somebody else wanted from me, and I was like, I'm just going to start to learn to listen to my cues, and that only benefits your kids, to be honest, Like, if you don't take the space away from your life to do that, honestly, whether it's like half an hour or three weeks, if

you don't take the space to do that, people around you, you know, they feel that bad as well when we use others to fill us up. So I do feel like, in whichever way you want to do it, it's such a necessary part of growth to have little time alone, whatever that looks like for you.

lifestyle looks like on a daily basis. You know, for me, I build in so much quality time with my kids when I do have them, so it yeah, it doesn't. I would much prefer it that way. You know. Then I'm feeling like my leave is the only time with them, for.

but as a regular human being. But then you also go through it as a psychologist who works with people going through stuff like this and kids going through So you're working with the parents, and you're working with the children of people who have separated or divorced or are in the middle of that process, which can be very

lumpy and bumpy. I would assume what did you, if anything, like, what did you learn, both just as a mum and as a person, but also as a psychologist dealing with people going through that themselves, Like what were, if anything, any of the light bulbs or revelations for you.

from our own conditioning. So my parents got divorced when I was school aged, and I had a lot of stories around this of how I never wanted to get divorced and give my child, you know, the life that they had, and no matter what, you know, I was

going to keep family together. And so it was really my stories, and I would say probably my own unprocessed trauma around that that actually impacted how I responded and or how I felt sorry in this process, rather than the skills and the tools that I had, Because remember, when we're in a state of whether it's fear or grief or anxiety or you know, processing our own heavy emotions, we're not drawing upon the skills that we've learned. We are drawing upon our past experiences. So it was very

hard to get clarity around that. But I think probably what the most important insight I got from that is how I viewed the situation. What I was going through right, being an adult and being part of this dynamic is

very different from what the child experience is. For them, the whole world has come crashing down, and that's really hard for parents to actually take a step back and sit with because they're like, oh, no, I'm going to buffer that for them, and I'm and no, that's not how it's going to be and this is going to be better and all the ways that we justified that, but just initially, the whole world is crushing down and allowing time and space for that grief and for that process.

And you've got a lot of things that you can't control in this situation, somebody else's narrative or other external influences around that as well. But if anything, I think it's really important rather than you know, as we can be caught up in a reactive kind of approach and response, to really start connecting with our own values and really connecting with our own growth around this as well, and

supporting the child through. Like you said in necessary parts, sometimes if life endings and transitions.

is it about navigating the uncertain? What is it that's a real common denominator with kids going through that?

more conflict at times. So I think what really impacts kids is if you could imagine for a child, they're half their mom, they're half their dad, and so they're often quite privy to adult conversations post divorce, whether it's from another parent or you know, other family members giving their opinion, or just other things right from friends or

whatever else. And that's confusing for a child when they are, you know, they've got their identity being both their both parents, and then both their parents are no longer together, and there's this kind of sense of these really kind of strong or heavy feelings, and it's hard for them to make sense of that too, and especially when they personalize that right or make that a story about them, like you know, as you probably have seen right with a

lot of separated parents, and they've got different ideas about parenting, They've got different ideas about what should happen in their house. And then there's sometimes elements of you know, trying to keep what we determine as consistency for kids. But if anything, it creates more conflicts, right because one parents may be trying to say that their way is a better way or vice versa, and so kids are trying to figure out like who side do I go on? Mum or doubt?

And I think the biggest thing that we can do for kids is you just ever a mum and a doubt, Like they're not in competition, right, like I'm not in a condition with the other parent, vice versa. And the more that I think parents can actually really advocate this to kids and more than that drops and they're like, I don't need to pick a side. I can love both mom and doubt, you know.

they fall out of love, it's not going great. And you know, but then when you see and I've seen it, and even with people that I've known, where one or the other or both are trying to poison the mind of the child against the other parent, am like, what the fuck are you doing? Like what are you what are you doing? Like what is your intention here? Like what do you think the upside of this is and again I'm not trying to judge anyone, and people are

listening to this gun you wouldn't fucking know. I know, I don't know. I'm asking the questions, but it just to me that that like using kids almost as pawns in a like a human chest gain to go some kind of fucking leverage.

a cheater. He's not a good dad because he's a cheater. Right, He's broken up this family and the kids need to know what he's like, and he's creating this new woman around and you know it's impacting them and you can see it's it's definitely their own unresolved issues, right because if you think about it, for a lot of the reality actually, you know, sometimes for a lot of males, if they haven't taken the primary care given role, is

actually having a partner probably helps them. It actually probably helps the child because the child's got another parent to bounce off, or another parent's figure to bounce off. So that's actually not the issue. And it's very normal for parents to have other partners and for children to transition with that. So that's not the issue. But what happens is, say the mum in that situation might really talk to the child about that, you know, he's picking this new

woman over you. If he really loved you, guys, he would prior to as you. And so what happens is we create this unhealthy balance if the mom kind of using the children as a pseudo partner and emotionally leaning on them and talking about how that's a healthier dynamic than what the dad's doing, which is living his own life and having a partner and then obviously seeing his kids.

And this actually is what she's thinking doing where she's pointing out the dad's flaws and it's hurting him, it's actually hurting the kids because that isn't a fact, right, Yes, he's got a new partner. That's a fact. And yes he's spending time with a new partner, that's a fact. But it's not a fact that he's now spending time with a partner and you know he's choosing the partner

of the child. That's not the case at all. And so if we want to support children in that, we really want to help to I would say keep the parents to our relationship intact and protect it with all that we have. And so if you're the other parent on that, knowing that you might have so much anger and hate and discust in that person for what they did or whatever else that is, but that's our own issue, and you know directly relates to our relationship with them.

The child wants to have a healthy relationship with their parent. They would benefit most a healthy relationship with their parent. And that has absolutely nothing to do with who they're with and who they're not and what the parent, you know, their job, they have, or anything else in their life.

It's how do they emotionally respond to their child. And as the parent are the parent in that dynamic, we can go are we putting energy into running down as other parent or we're actually putting energy into how we're showing up for this child and our own relationship with this child, and what we are actually modeling for this child. And I think that's where we take the power back

for any of us. Right, And of course is hurt and pain, you know, in these kind of situations, but it's really not helpful for children when we at our own stories that run down, right, someone that.

never played. Now, Similarly, I've been on the outside and up close of many of these breakups and breakdowns with people on both sides cheating, by the way, and I think that that firstly, let's just go with your case, guy, cheated ladies, you know, understandably fucking wild and like I've had women say to me the moment that he decided to put his dick over there, well, he chose her over the kids. And I understand that anger, and I

even understand that psychology. I understand that mindset, but I think sometimes they're giving the guy far more intellectual credit than he deserves. He just literally wasn't thinking And did he do the wrong thing? Yes, And is he a prick for doing that? Yes, and all that stuff, and I get it. But also you go, well, you know, for the next fifty years or whatever, he's still going to be their dad, and I don't know that. And I understand the desire to punish him, yes, or her,

whatever the case may be. But yeah, I think the real thing is not how do I make him suffer? But how do I give my children the best possible chance of being healthy, functional kids? What does that look like? Yeah, but as this is coming out of my mouth, I

almost feel fucking unqual. I am unqualified. But it's it's so complicated, Sam, because like it's emotional, it's psychological, it's practical, it's financial, it's it's you know, there are so many very and so many kind of intersections that bump into each other. And I also know couples that have broken up and it's from day one almost it's been pretty good, not even a drama.

But I think say, in this situation, you know that woman deserves to have a partner that values and cherishes her and has to say morals as her and values. And so when you look at it from that perspective, I would say it's doing her a favor, not just her kids, but going do why Yes, I'm going to be angry and I'm going to be grieving and processing, but ultimately, what do I want from my life? Because I don't want to be bitter and resentful?

of that. But I think it's I think there are ways where we can be able to acknowledge that hurt and that pain and that process but going hey, like this is this is the impact and what do we do about it? How do we get everyone to be able to get the support that they need acknowledging everyone's pain and hurden feelings in that situation.

don't worry about me. You know, you guys have enough on your plate kind of thing, and we don't want that either. So when we see children struggling again, you know, we can look at it from a way off. This is not great and we need to do something about it, but we can also look at it as a way of going, wow, this is great that the children the child feels safe enough to either tell us that show us that it gives us something to work with, and

we want that for kids. We don't want kids to bottle all in and for this to come up much later in an explosive way. We want to be able to know about this so we can help them process that too, and we're the only ones in that environment as well as a child therapist. There's only so much I can do in a therapy room with a child where I'm talking about these things and then they go back into the conflicts.

that stuff. Right. But then I guess at the other end of the scale, and I'm talking, as you know, just an old bloke who doesn't really have any experience, but as an observer, I feel like, you know, I've worked with lots of parents and their kids when I owned gyms, where there would be kids that would turn up to the gym with their dad or their mum it's still workout or and some of those kids were so fucking spoiled, right yeah, and so molly coddled and

so much. I don't know what the term is helicopter parenting, where like the kid was micro managed their emotions, they're everything what they They couldn't swing on the playground, they couldn't climb a tree, they couldn't talk to anyone, They couldn't you know, I'm like, what's the consequence of I

don't know if there's a better term. You tell me the term, but it seems to me like, you know, parents that are hovering or helicopter parents, or where they're trying to micro manage every fucking moment of the kid's day so that the kid doesn't ever fall down, or ever get their feelings hurt, or ever have a bad experience, or ever have to deal with any kind of challenge or surely that's a developmental roadblock or speed hunt for the kid, because surely we need to Like, I went

through a fair bit of shit when I was a kid, not horrible, but uncomfortable enough, and I think for the most part it helped me build understanding and awareness and resilience and problem solve in real time and how to avoid shit and how to connect with people. And like, I think, obviously there's you know, it's dose dependent and it's context dependent, But what about that how do we know how much to protect and how much to kind of get the fuck out of the way.

knowing when to step in? And I think a lot of the time we live in a society where we can be I think too centered around that where it's like you've got mums staying at home and they think they need to be present twenty four seven, and then they're not, and then they feel guilty and they're trying to, like you said, micro manage their children's experiences versus kind of taking a step back and going, how do I not, you know, send my three year old outside and shut

the door, but how do I create safe spaces where like there's daycare centers and things like that where my child can be there for a little bit and have somebody else be able to you know, they're seeing other kids you know, test things and little risky kind of fun climbing, you know, frames or whatever, and I'm backing away and I'm doing my own thing, and then I come back with them, and then they get the experience

of me and they come together with me. So I think, I think the question isn't so much of you know, what is this exact science, but kind of going how do I notice when I'm actually getting anxious about it?

know you've got that intention. So what you were saying around the gym situation, I specifically use those play therapy tools that we teach parents with my kids when they were younger, and I go, okay, so if I'm going to you know, section off this time and there to do that, I can really back off the other times and I can actually focus on my workout and not feel guilty or for it all feel guilty, but do the workout anyway, and I can focus on cleaning the

house and I can focus on just reading and relaxing because I've got this potent, condensed time where I'm going to be emotionally available with my child and I'm actually going to be present, And I find that to be so much more effective than when I was trying to do it all all day, Like it just doesn't work. We kind of give a deluded self to everything, don't

weigh when we try and multitask like that. So yeah, I think to sum it up, I think it's us being conscious of it and then us putting things in place where we get the balance for the kids and for us right where they've got other spaces, they've got different experiences and we don't feel the need to micromanage every single part of their life. And for everything that we think it's taking away from its giving every time

away from us. Isn't. They're not losing out. If anything, they're gaining what it's like to feel safe and be guided by another adult. And that's really great to them because we're not their whole world. Unfortunately. I mean, I would very much love to be, but the reality is they're going to go and they're going to live their lives away from us, and they need to be able to learn to trust other adults and spaces and themselves too.

know where kids just start to figure it out. And you know, like kids need to be given opportunities to solve problems without being told what to do, so they can use their creativity and their critical thinking and develop problem solving skills and interact with, as you said, with

different people. And you know, when they're teenagers and well before, but as they get older, they're going to interact with people who are really nice and people who are not so nice, and people who really care about them, and people who don't really care about them, and people who they might need to be a bit wary around, and people that they can completely trust. Because this is the practical reality of humans, you know, So if like I I a friend, do I say it?

beer and not. Then from that to oh, now you're an adult, you've got a license, you can drink, you can vote, And the first two years were just fucking mayhem bad Yeah, because it's like, well, they never and it was like somebody had just let a lion out of a cage and trying to control that eighteen to twenty year old. It's like, I, you know, I didn't say it, but I'm like, yeah, you kind of did this to yourself because you never let that kid do anything.

And now that one they don't live at home, right, they moved.

the sense of competency. But like you said, what ends up happening is they don't get the necessary learnings from actually experience and failing and trying again and problem solving that they need, and so when they're actually left to their own devices, they're like, I don't know how to be because you know, my parents just kind of created this perfect existence for me so that they could feel

really great. And I noticed that honestly with a lot of mums where they talk about, you know, traveling and you know, working and living this really balanced, full life, and they're like, but then I can parent and I've just got my child, and I feel anxious leaving them for an hour and this is all I do now. It's almost like they've regressed because of that anxiety, and then they put all that energy just into their kid

and they're like, this just has to be perfect. And so I feel like what actually helps us create that in our children is us doing that first. So the more experiences I give myself off problem solving and living life and living a full life, and you know, creating space to fill my needs is actually what supports me to do that for my child, right, Because you think

about it, we shut down our life. What else do we have to focus on If we're not getting emotional input from other places that support us, we're just expecting that from us. We're giving it all to our child, but then we're expecting it back for our child. We're kind of saying you need to be here to fulfill me, really without directly saying it, because I've got nothing else that's fulfilling me at the moment. I've shut down everything of my life. That's not fair on parents, and it's

not fair on kids either. It's a huge bed.

actually enjoy holidays with yourself? Like how did holidays feel? Because if we were to take an honest look about that, a lot of moms say to me, I went on a holiday and I come back even feeling more exhausted. And the only thing that's stopping them from having a holiday by themselves is because they feel guilty. Not because they wouldn't have fun, not because it wouldn't recharge them, not because they can't financially, you know, find the resources

and the support for that. It's because the story that they attached to it. And imagine if we create another story where we're going on a holiday and we're going to come back, you know, with experiences and a sense of fulfillment, that actually is going to benefit our child and our child gets this opportunity to bond with someone other than us, and then we're going to have this with our child. Like I think it's the stories attached to the judgments and our perception of it. And I

see that. I see that in ways of the people who do create this space and how they viewed it versus people who don't. But I think what was a real game changer for me is just experiencing it. I challenge any kind of parent, just just experience it, even

if it was one night, two days. And once that initial anxiety goes down, when you start to experience what it's like to sit with yourself and how much you learn about yourself and the thinking and the clarity that you get from that, that's all kind of the proof that you need to keep going in that direction.

stay at one half day. And I had a lot of moving parts, lots of staff, lots of bills, lots of problems to solve, just lots of shit to do right, which was and I was very grateful for it. But my life was from when I got out of bed to when I went to bed basically work and about work. And in the middle of all of this, and all of my businesses were going somewhere between okay and really good. So I was very blessed, very lucky, very grateful, Like

there was no I didn't take it for granted. But in the middle of all of this stuff, Sam, I wasn't particularly happy, and I'm like, why the fuck am I not happy? You know, like, you do not have any reason to be unhappy, So get your shit together. And it's so funny you talk to yourself like that. It doesn't It's like, well, you just feel what you feel, bro. You're You're not trying to be sad, You're not trying to be depressed, You're not trying to be anxious. And

I couldn't anyway I was. I felt like I was heading towards a bit of a meltdown, and I can't remember exactly what precipitated it, but I went one day, I went into one of my gym's my main gym, which was a great, big that was kind of the epicenter of my businesses, ten thousand square foot, the biggest personal training center in the Southern hemisphere. Like people everywhere, trainers everywhere, clients everywhere, you know. And I went into my then pa or center manager. I said to her,

I'm going to go away for ten days, right. I just made this snap decision, which I never did. I would not go away for a day. I'd feel bad, guilty, conflicted. And I went away for ten days just to be with myself and try to figure out what was going on, Like why I'm fit, I'm healthy, I'm making good money, my businesses are successful. I'm not a moron, I'm not a genius, but I'm not like this so much good.

But in the middle of all of the good, I didn't feel good right, and I wanted to understand that. So I went away and I spent ten days by myself. I didn't talk to anyone other than maybe to order a coffee, but I didn't have a conversation with anyone. I didn't talk to anyone in any of my businesses, didn't talk to my staff. She had my PI had one directive, and that is I didn't even have a

cell phone or mobile phone. She knew where I was staying, she knew where I was staying, what room, and I said, don't call me unless like it's a fucking emergency, right, So she didn't call me. And for about the first two or three days, I felt absolutely worse, like worse. I just wanted to come back, and I was lonely, and I was I fucking cried. I was I had all this, all this shit right. And it took me about four or five days to try and I was

trying to understand me. I was trying to figure out what do I want to do with the rest of my life? Is what I'm doing? My purpose and all of these deep and meaningful questions. But it really took me to get away from the thing physically and emotionally and geographically and psychologically. I needed to get away to get a level of perspective and insight and understanding where I could think clearly. Like when I was in the middle of it, I couldn't really see it. I needed

to be away from it. And yeah, I think sometimes when you are just in this continuum of operating system and get up, do this, do all this shit on autopilot, get it up, get up against myrow, do it all again. And basically that's the last three thousand days of your life. You really do need to kind of get away from your own life a bit, if you know what I mean, to figure the fuck out what's going on.

taking away. And if we're able to shift in that, I think that's more powerful than just trying to like squish and support, like someone tell me the right thing to do. It's almost like I probably do know what the right thing to do is for my life. I just need space away from it, or I can stop off that hamster wheel and take a break and take

a breath. And then gain some perspective. So yeah, I think it's how we frame it, right, and if we know that that is actually a way that we can kind of recharge and reset almost, we would do it more often in little ways, and we would hopefully model this for kids that when they become adults and parents, that they don't feel that heavy guilt that we do in this generation because we haven't had that model to us, and if anything, that they will ye be able to do that more in their lives.

this is somebody friend of mine. Friends of mine have got a child that like great kid, by the way, but just for a range of reasons fear, anxiety, stuff, really doesn't want to kind of wants to go to school, but freaks out now like something happened. And I'll just tell you they're around twelve, right, and there's just a So it's been a real struggle for them two you know like that that I guess that balancing act of

you know, being loving and sportive an understanding. But they don't, you know, they don't want their child to spend the next four years at home, right, yeah, any like I don't know, I don't need a solution, but any thoughts around that or any ideas or help around that?

just slowly get better. And I think the best way that we can do that is that kind of connection as well, and that acknowledgment around it. But with those boundaries of kind of going, okay, we can't really control other kids at school, right, we can control what we do. It's like that locus of control. And so in the morning's right, especially with that age, you know, what you want to eat? You know, here are some options for breakfast, Let's do that. Do you want to do something in

the morning together? How do you want this morning to routine to look like? We can work on that. You have to go to school. It's kind of you know, non negotiable. Here, what's your plan? You know, you can even talk through plans, right if they're worried about that, you know that sounds really tough that you were sitting by yourself. What did you do, like, you know, kind of helping them with that problem solving what are your options? But being able to sit with how that feels. We're

not trying to talk the matterfit. Often we think, yeah, but you know, we like Q and it doesn't really matter. No one likes you. You kind of want to reframe straight away without going wow, that would really star like sitting alone, that would feel pretty lonely. And then again after school, right being able to engage them and stuff that they love, because no one wants to go to school. I mean a lot of people don't want to go to school as teenagers. Don't know, I didn't you know, interested in

these generic subjects. But every child has a thing, a thing that they really good at, a thing that they love. Is it gaming, even, is it sports? Is it whatever that is? And the more opportunities that you can kind of make for things that they love cut filling again after school and then that connection that they have with you as well a bit later on in their evening

and helps ground them. So I think if it as a you know, the anxious, but it's so draining, it's draining their cut being, you know, doing stuff that they don't like and that they're worried about and they're fearful off.

So how can we actually add stuff back in the cup and so grounding them in what they can control around that after school, before school, and then yeah, setting that non negotiable boundary that you know, school's happening, but being able to focus on what they can control, I think gives them the power back.

makes it grow. And so then we're not putting in potentially the boundaries or letting them be in challenging situations and sitting with the anxiety but working through it. Like we're all really confused because there is no line and going how much do we adapt to this and create different alternatives for the child, and actually how much do we oh let them push through it because we know that on the other side of that, they're gaining more

confidence in managing our anxiety. And there's definitely no one rule for this and one answer for this, but I think it's really important as key gives that we're constantly checking up on our anxiety and what story that we're creating around that as well, because we can really feed into it because our anxiety will naturally put our anxiety through the roof too.

emotional prison. Six Pursuing certainty is fear driven. Seven Preparing for uncertainty is smart. Eight it's a practical approach to survival. Nine. The answer is not an easier life. Ten, it's a more resilient and adaptable you.

and it may be uncert you know, I may not get it. I'm not sure. We're not really willing to back ourselves with those things, and we're willing to then settle for below mediocre, you know, or something that doesn't really yeah, benefit us in the long run because we're so scared. It's kind of like white people staying jobs for X amount of a year twenty years plus, right, they're too scared of that unsandy that comes with what if I try another job and it doesn't work out

and I don't know it. They don't realize they don't really believe in their ability to adapt or to change. You know, we can make another decision elsewhere, we can you know, navigate that well.

off something else. And so when we know that that's a necessary part of the growth, we want to create those opportunities for kids where they are sitting with uncani Do.

I'm going to give you a cuddle, but fuck, you've got to lose that because the ladies that you're chasing, they don't want desperation as the starting point. That It's almost like without trying to pre but like the moment you don't need it, you become more attractive because you got more content. It's like if I find someone great, if I don't also great, it's good. My life is good. I'm good and I'm not you know that whole he or she completes me. No, you're already complete. You're not

half of something. You know. They might they might compliment you, but they can't complete you because you are not incomplete.

healthy relationship or nothing at all. Like I'm not going to settle for you know, something that's going to be damaging to my mental health or there's and then you come with that confidence and someone you're going to meet someone with that Also, I'm a whole person and I'm not going to settle for something either you know, it's going to be I'm all in or nothing at all.

And I think that that is the ultimate kind of goal when you think about it, to hold people coming together and you know, I guess just magnifying the greatness rather than yeah, being like I need it.

years of dating and whatever. It was eighteen or seventeen or sixteen when I started, but you know, kind of serious ish dating as an adult. And then I could just got to a point where I went not not fuck relationships or fuck not not that just like, ah, I'm good, Like I'm good, I'm good. I'm like, I'm okay. You want me? Yeah, No, it's not and it's not I'm not going there the problem or I'm the problem. I'm just going it is what it is. Yeah, I'm

not looking anymore. I'm good. I'm going to you know. But it's funny the moment that I just that was my attitude. I didn't, you know, like I got more attention than when I wanted attention.

not going to negotiate my values for anyone. That comes as a whole different level of confidence, and I think it will attract someone that also has that as well, which is what you want.