#2050 Hard Conversations & Feedback - Bobby Cappuccio

or weird or bad. It means you're just a human having a day. Bobby has shit days, Bobby has good days. Bobby has amazing days because Bobby, like you and me, is a weirdo and also one hundred human. What's your day today? Mate? Is it? Where is it on the scale between shit and amazing? If shit is one and amazing as ten, what's your number being today?

you knowing. Nothing markedly spectacular happened today. Nothing tragic happened today, and overall it was it was productive, but nothing unusually exciting.

They hate me. How do you kind of play in those places like what's your how do you how do you objectively or as objectively as you can assess your own performance.

vantage point. So a little bit of distancing helps, and it also allows you to be a little bit less emotionally attached. And when you're going through things, what's your level of emotion? And I think when you have a high level of emotional provocation, you're probably not looking at things through a lens of objectivity. And also, you know we've discussed this in past episodes, how balanced is your feedback?

If it's like I am amazing, I am the best presenter that these people have ever seen, most likely you're not. If I'm the worst presenter these people have ever seen, most likely you're not. That's a story in your own head. I don't think that reflects the audience's experience, and then it's balancing. So there there's reflection and then there's review. So reflection is what is my interpretation of what really went well and what could be better? What's my interpretation

of past performance that was good versus current performance? Where were the gaps? Review is when you pull out the surveys and you read the audience's feedback reviewers. When you have peers and colleagues, you could say, okay, these are the three questions I asked myself. Let me present these questions to you. Give me your version. So how aligned is your reflection with the review that you're getting from

your audience as well as from your peers. So if it's completely different, something might be off.

and I listeners. You may or may not know this, but quite often, very often there's literally individual feedback from participants or audience members, and you get sent that or you get a kind of a collective review by who whoever, whoever organized you to go and talk. So there's that, and that gives you a level of perspective and objectivity

that you can't have because you're you. But for those of us who are on the I want to do better and think better and create better outcomes journey, how do they use this kind of self awareness and self reflection and self regulation when they don't have that feedback from others? How do we lean into this? Do we create our own criteria or objective targets or something so like, I know I'm going to do X, y Z today and if I don't, well, that's just a clear outcome

based on a clear goal. Like how do we do this for people who aren't you and me?

you've got family members, communication is absolutely critical. And you know you're right. I'm just having this conversation today with one of my clients around. We don't get we don't get feedback. A lot of times you could go throughout your entire life and have something about the way you

communicate being detrimental. Yeah, And people a lot of times will not tell you, like they'll just disappear, or they may not you know, they may not come around as much, but they never tell you, Hey, this is this is the impact that you're having on me through our communication. So a lot of times we don't know. So how do you source that out being the only lens that you're looking through? And I think it comes down to reflection, not just reflection on Okay, I just had a conversation

with Craig. How did that go? Like what was my intention in that conversation? And like, what's my assessment of how well I met that intention? And where's the evidence for that? But I'm talking about reflections that you're offering. So if you're in a conversation, are you able to capture, reflect, and encapsulate the essence of what somebody's saying, and a lot of times when you do that effectively, you'll either get an affirmative well yeah, or sometimes the person will

be shocked. It's almost it's almost the emotion of surprise, like yeah, oh, yes, yes, that's what I mean, Yes, that's what I'm saying, And it's just they've probably had this conversation with multiple people or expressed whatever they're expressing, but the way you held a mirror up to it allowed them to see a reflection of what they were saying with greater clarity, or maybe you tilted that mirror in the world that you utilized and they were able

to see something from a different vantage point. It's the same thing they've been looking at, but you tilt that mirror and it looks very different, and all of a sudden, it's like they've made a breakthrough on their own idea

that they're communicating. If you're doing something like that in the conversation, that's a fairly good metric that you're in resonance with this person, that you're effectively able to listen to that individual and be able to give them something that expands their understanding conceptually about what they're trying to express, especially if it moves the conversation forward in a way with like yeah, oh and they just got an idea or they just got a tag on that point that

they never would have had if you didn't offer that reflection. I think those are some good metrics.

to receive some feedback. But also the question is often well do they want the feedback? It like, if I've got the most accurate, insightful feedback for them based on the impact they're creating on others or themselves or their own performance, but they're not open to receive the feedback, which is often the case, especially if it's processed or perceived as criticism. Hateful and hurtful rather than positive and productive. Because people, whatever you say, whatever you your intention is

not their experience. So your intention might be, hey, I know how I can help you, and I want to help you. So here here's my feedback. And my intention is good. I'm a good human, I like you. I actually want you to succeed. So here comes my well intended advice feedback. But blah blah, guess what old mate gets cracks the shits. Old mate doesn't talk to you anymore because your good intention was his hurtful comment or

her hurtful comment. So there's this there's this two way kind of component to this, where we've got to anticipate how they think or how they are in this moment. We've got to read the room. We've got to try and have a look through their window to figure out

how do what one do? I give feedback even though you know, like I'll give you an example, clear example, my dad thinks a certain way, right, there are certain conversations that I could have with my dad that would be true and very perhaps valuable and in normative over the years anyway a little bit different these days, but where I could have helped my dad with certain things unequivocally, but my dad just didn't want feedback. He'd like, he

did not want anyone to anyway it. But even though my intentions were good, even though I had the knowledge, even though I had the understanding, and even though I loved him and wanted to support and help him, there will be times when I would give my dad some feedback or advice that he definitely didn't want, despite the fact that it was coming from a good place, and it actually created more problems than solutions. So I think there's that, and I don't need an answer from you,

but it's just there's that. Yeah, it's easier said than done, as is fucking everything in behavioral psychology and you know, communication and performance anyway. But I think that's something that we all need to navigate. And yeah, you've been given feedback. I'm sure you didn't like. I've been given feedback I didn't like and me but you know, sometimes in hindsight, I'm like, no, I still think they're wrong. But sometimes in hindsight, I'm like, yeah, no, that's I didn't My

ego definitely didn't like that. My self esteem and self worth didn't like that. But when I try to turn down the emotion. Yeah, they're actually right. So it's pretty complicated.

most people. See. I believe that sometimes coming at someone directly with look, here's what I saw is what you need to do, that's the perfect thing that needs to be done, the vast majority of the time that doesn't work. And even if it works in the moment, I'm the other person is not arriving at conclusions that elevate elevate their confidence and capacity, so it might not have sustainable impact on them. So let let's let me give you

an example from something I know nothing about basketball. Right. Let's say I'm out there and you know, I'm I'm doing one on one basketball, and me and my friend were trying to really get good at basketball, because yeah, we want to be good at basketball.

A lot of times that person will have insights and even if it comes down to, okay, here's here's a here's a tip that might help you make that basket next time. It's built on conclusions and insight that that person has arrived at. It hasn't violated their knowledge, it hasn't violated their identity. Let's say my friend's identity is I'm an amazing basketball player. So when you correct me,

you're not correcting my basketball game, right. You could correct me because I don't give a toss about how good of a basketball player I am compared to my friend. For me, I want to get better because I like playing basketball at my mates. So for me, it's a social interaction, it's exercise. It to my mates. That's why I really want to improve. For this person, they consider

themselves a competent basketball player. If I respect that autonomy, if I respect their competence, if I respect their identity and ask a series of questions, they arrive at their own conclusions. One they might figure out what happened too. Even if I say, hey, I think you might have do you think you might have released that ball a little bit too late, It's going to land very differently than if I just gave it unsolicited advice or even

solicited advice. If it can flict with someone's internal perspective for some reason. Now the reason has a strong influence on the response, but it really doesn't matter. If there's a conflict. If you have two opposing frames, those frames are going to collide more of the time rather than seamlessly coincide. If that, If that makes sense.

her because she was a lady. I talked to her because I thought she was going to kill herself anyway. She was doing an exercise and she was using a relatively relatively heavyweight with absolutely the worst possible form, And it was not a matter of whether or not she might injure herself, it was just a matter of when, Like if she continued to do that that way, I've

got absolutely zero doubt. And it's not many things I'm an expert at, but writing programs and prescribing exercise and watching people exercise and correcting form, it's maybe the only thing I'm actually an expert at right, and I watched her and I thought, anyway, I just said, I went up and I thought I knew it. I was a fraught with danger exercise and yeah, I just said, hey, could I just share something with you? And she basically

told me to fuck off? And I'm like, okay, and look, I understand the response, like what she sees a buffed male with a shaved head in a single blah blah blah. Who's like, but here's the funny thing. I got the you know, I don't at all like this. I've got no criticism of her at all. But I could have literally spent sixty seconds with her and helped her immeasurably

and potentially saved her from an injury. And but in hindsight, I go, well, as it turned out, I would have been better off not to ask her and not to try and help her. Like I often think that, you know, bad intentions or sorry, good intentions can produce bad outcomes, and so it's like it's like, you need Craig, you need situational awareness, you need social intelligence, you need to read the room. And I knew going in I thought this, this might not work, this might not and I didn't

want anything from her. I didn't you know. It was literally fucking six thirty in the morning or whatever it was. And yeah, and I came away from that thinking not, you know, not what a cow or none, no, none of that. It's like I thought, yeah, I get it. You don't know me and I'm just some dude in the gym, and I totally yeah. But it's over the years, I've very rarely do I give people advice or any kind of input or feedback that they haven't sought. I

just think it's a dangerous proposition. I mean, yeah, I mean, if I see someone who's in absolute palms, way would I do that? Again, I don't know, probably not, but you know, obviously if somebody's about to get run over by a car, it's a different thing. But but yeah, I don't know how we navigate that because you it's like you have a certain level of knowledge and expertise

and experience that is really valuable to people. And it's like there are times when you could share some of your knowledge or inside or wisdom or skill and you might save someone six months of pain, or you might be able to help them achieve in a week. What would it taken them a year if they might. But at the same time, you might also open that door and they just think you're an arrogant, egotistical, self righteous

dick who thinks who thinks he's better than people. So that that's why I think it's so much about situational awareness, perception, you know, theory of mind, understanding how other people think, like, you know, being a bit instinctive, a bit intuitive, and then you know, go from there.

get in the story from one frame. So I think when that happens, it's it's not a matter of what people need, it's a matter of what they're open to, what they're ready for and what they want need is

is irrelevant. Now you understand that you've owned gyms, you understand that you have trained trainers, You understand that there are probably literally tens of thousands of people that seek your advice out in terms of your expertise as a physiologist and practical application as a guy who's been training

for a few decades. She knows none of that, So she might have perceived threat, and by threat not like, oh this guy's dangerous, is in a like beat me with a you know, two kilo plate or something like that, But yeah, what does this guy know? Or maybe she had a really bad experience with someone who was either trying to pick her up or just thought they knew everything and they were just like you said, trying to be arrogant. There's so many there's so many great examples

from the gym. So when I was a trainer, this is going back Man Gold's Jim Brooklyn, and I don't even think I was twenty years old, or maybe I was exactly twenty years old, and I went up to this lady who was doing something that maybe not then in there. It's not like both of her arms are gonna rip out of the sockets. Blood's gonna be squirting out of her stumps as she runs through the gym maimed. Although that would make a really great, low budget, be

B level horror film, wouldn't it. But you could tell, yeah, she's she's gonna endorse some pain and suffering if she keeps doing what she's doing in the way she's doing it, with the level of motor control she's doing it. And I had approached her and said something very my, hey, do you mind if now? Her first response to me was do you see that guy over there right? And she points to this guy who was enormous. Now at the time, I was nearly one hundred kilos lean. This

guy could have eaten me. He could have swallowed me whole. He kind of looked like Godzilla and a wife beater. And she's like, that's my husband. He showed me how, he showed me how to do this. Wow, now, what does that statement mean to you? What did you just get out of that craig.

a lab studying human movement science. I might not understand the practical application, but I still understand a lot more than even that big guy in the gym. But it wasn't just that, it was she had an emotional investment obviously with her husband. She not only she not only thought, well, he knows what he's talking about. He's my husband. So there's an emotional cane. There is no way I am

going to logically win that argument. I could give her a three hour lesson in four singles and moment arms and functional anatomy, it's not going to make a difference. So what we were learning how to do because walking the floor was the way that we drove revenue, and for many years in the fitness industry, the primary way that a trainer had the greatest amount of autonomy to drive revenue was through walking the floor. You had more

opportunity there than anywhere else. I think it's it's changed now. But so the conversation I had with her was looking at that guy. My first words out of my mouth, and this was totally spontaneous, was holy shit, that's your husband. Like the guy was impressively massive, like just just sheer body mass. It was remarkable. And I said to her, yeah, I would not like if I would not question a guy that is able to develop his body to that degree. I said, can I ask you a couple of questions? Though?

How long has he been working out? How long did it take this guy to build himself up into that? I said, because you know, I've been working out a while, and you know, I, like I said, I was, I was pretty big, pretty lean, I was on a lot of drugs, and I was like, I'm the way near this guy. I need to know this right. She tells me about all the decades he's been training. I was like, God, how many days a week? Does she train this? Who

always coming here? I'm going through all of these questions, and I'm like, you know, it's really it's really cool to him to help you out, Like I wish I had someone like that invested in me, that can help me out in the gym. When I was getting started, How long have you been training? Just very casual? She's been training a couple of months, I said, can ask something.

Does it make sense that a guy who's been training multiple decades, who has developed his body into like maybe the top two percent of everybody with his goal in society, and who's advanced as that, might have different goals and needs and levels of abilities versus someone who's just been training for a few months. You know, does it make sense that a downhill champion Olympic skier has very different needs than someone who's been skiing for a few months.

own mind. So that made me one not only more credible, without even getting into any science whatsoever, it also made me safer.

gym floor. Never do anything like that. Just introduce yourself, build a little bit of rapport, and then piss off. You just drip on these people. And if you drip on people in the way I'm telling you to drip on them, I guarantee you ten percent of everybody you talk to in this facility will be a client of yours within a giving amount of time, depending on how many people you're able to talk to per day. And

it's just the same thing. It's just giving advice versus drawing somebody out and having them elicit the context of the conversation.

You know, when you tell someone you know, even with the most compassionate empathy and situational awareness and kindness and all of that, but you tell them that they're doing it poorly or badly or dangerously or you know, it's like you're talking about that guy that has no awareness. I think you's something. You know, some people who are kind of socially annoying, How the fuck do you tell

them that? You know? It's like like a lot of people, you know, we know that at your core you're a good person, but like sometimes you kind of talk about yourself a lot and you never ask anyone else about themselves. It's like I've had that conversation with people and that is are.

and the right approach. But I think, like as somebody who has had to as part of my role as a leader and a business owner and an employer, I have literally had to give people feedback probably thousands of times, but at least hundreds of times. There were staff that I had where you could go hey, Bobby, and you go, yeah, what's up. I go, you know that thing that you did before with that lady when you did x YZ And you go yep, I go, don't do that and you go oh okay, and I go, it's all good.

It's not a drama. But these are the reasons I don't want you to do that, or why I think it's not a good idea, And you go, yeah, that makes total sense, thanks Craig, And I'm like, see you mate, all good, and then we have lunch an hour later and we're happy as fuck right now to have a version of that conversation with someone else, I've got to do like this fucking verbal gymnastics, trying to somehow get them in an emotional lands psychological state where they are

mildly receptive. Whereas I know I can tell Bobby stuff and he just goes, yeah, sure, I get it, that makes sense, no problem. But for other people it just

does not work that way. And I had a few staff members over the years where I'm like, I fucking dreaded giving them feedback, and it was for their own good, and it was for professionalism, and it was for the client's welfare, and it was always warranted, Like I would rather not give it, like it, I only did it because I had to, because I needed to protect firstly the client, secondly the trainer, and thirdly the right. So there are just some conversations despite the fact that I

don't want to fucking do it. It's like, well, Craig, you own the joint. There's nobody else you know that that being able to navigate the the uniqueness of each person's kind of social and emotional and kind of mental intelligence in that context dealing with that stuff, because it's like, you know, someone takes one pill they're good. Someone takes the same pill for the same condition they get sick. It's that's the same with feedback, with communication, with training,

with with any kind of inbound stimulus. You know.

in order to gain love and acceptance. Oh, listen to me, and you know, if I could tell a really great story about myself and make myself look good, well then you'll accept me no self awareness whatsoever. Because he is so focused on his own insecurity that you're having the exact opposite effect on people. So you pull a person like that over who's insecure and you give them critical feedback and a difficult conversation, they're going to defend themselves

because that is a threat. I think what you also said is when you had rapport with certain people, that rapport is an implicit contract I mean, we got to talk about what is rapport because a lot of times when you buy an audio program or you buy a book on rapport, the author will refer to rapport like in sales, let's say, as a state of likability, like you really like that person. Wow, that's not what rapport is. It's hard, it's really hard to build rapport if you

truly deeply cannot stand each other. But rapport, the best definition I've heard is it's a relationship of positive responsiveness between yourself. So if you're not in rapport with yourself, it's very hard to be in rapport with someone else and another person. So it's that ability. Our relationship dynamic is such that when we communicate, things happen. There is a responsiveness that is occurring, could be observed in the conversation, and as a result of the relationship that is amazing.

So when you've developed to that degree, there's an implicit understanding that you're invested in me, where other people you might be in the exact role where not only is inappropriate to have this conversation, it's negligent not to, but you still get an emotional response because that level of rapport hasn't been built, or maybe you're talking to someone who it's very hard to build rapport with because they're

always right. You have those people. Now for me to say, like, here's what I've done about this, I just want to come clean being very vulnerable. The last time in recent history I managed a small team of people, I was atrocious in having critical conversations and I completely shit the bed.

So I just I just want to come clean on that is no, because I a lot of times I just want to say that things have worked for me in the past, or I've learned them and I have applied them, but sometimes I don't apply them very well

at all. And I think that's important when you're trying to share information with someone, and I think it's critical to respect the people who are listening or go Yeah, there are times where you know, I've read all the books, I've gotten on stage and done the seminars, I've applied it on my with my teams, and then other times for whatever reason where I was I shit the bed completely. Oh and so will you. And that's normal because if

you reflect on that, you'll learn from it. So what's what I found used to work for me with teams is setting up a series of agreements really early. And let me just say, a lot of times, if you if you have a level of rapport and there's a level of honesty, asking very pointed specific questions, you usually elicits a solution. People know, Like at some level, people know, and when they come to the end of themselves, sometimes they go, well what do you think and they open

up that door. Doesn't mean they're going to take your advice, but at least it's it's by invitation and not perception of imposition. But I would establish agreements with people like what are we trying to achieve here? Right? So this is what the company, This is what the department's goals are. This is the company. What are your personal aspirations? What's important to you? What does success look like for you? Okay, what needs to happen? Not like, okay, I'm going to

tell you what needs to happen? Again, what do you think needs to happen? And then at some point in the conversation, so well, here's what has worked for the majority of people who have had similar goals to you. They've done this, which one of those things seem most resonant with you so I'd spend a lot of time up front, and if something occurred where there was a violation of an agreement, I would make the most generous assumption.

I would make the assumption that either it's it's a learning curve, or it was unintentional, or maybe the person didn't know enough to recognize that an error was being made or agreement was being violated. I think, I think having that mindset changes the dynamic in your nonverbal communication. And then I would I would always I would always take responsibility for it, because one is a leader, you

are always responsible, not you who right? And in earlier conversations, I would always end them with Okay, what can I do to help? What is my role in helping you achieve your goals? How do you how does that show up right?

was the boss. Very rarely do I sit in a position of leadership and think I'm the boss of anyone. Most of the time it's the other way around. You're there to serve those people. But I think those types of open inquiry is not only more better received, yes, but a lot of times the application of it is a little bit more sustainable because not only autonomy, it's agency. People are coming up with their own strategies on how to adapt and move forward more successfully.

under the bus. That's me just trying to be brave and honest and aware of how many things I got wrong in conversations, how many decisions I made that were bad with my body, with my training, with my nutrition, with relationships, with business, with with you know, content for courses and programs, and how many times I misread a situation or misread a person, or or spoke inappropriately, or or believed something that was untrue or you know, it's but to be able to go I actually like, I

actually listen to these guys talk because I genuinely just want to think better, do better, be better, create better outcomes. Well, part of that, you know, is almost like that self feedback of all, right, what is my life telling me? What are my relationships telling me? Because that's all feedback, that's data. What's my body saying, what's my bank balance saying? You know, there are all of these kind of objective outcomes that we can at the very least be aware

of and then perhaps interpret. You know, I keep doing this thing. I have this happen, this pattern, this habit, this behavior, this protocol, and this is the result. Well that it's a shit result. So the way that I'm approaching it doesn't work, or it doesn't work optimally, but I'm comfortable with that. And for me to really move the needle is going to be not quick or painless

or easy or fun or comfortable, you know. And this is the whole, you know, whether or not we're getting the feedback, the input, the data, the awareness from some objective measure that we can see or some number you know, or some measurable outcome, or we're getting it from Bobby who gives a fuck about us and just wants to

actually help us on our way. Either way, it still requires somebody to acknowledge something that is going to be uncomfortable and potentially open a door to changing thinking, habits, behavior, whatever. That is going to be a slow fix, not a quick fixed, more than likely.

to live. But the outcome a lot of times is out of your hands, especially when it comes to autonomous decisions. Yes, with me, there's there's levels of a conversation. You know, there's there's focusing like what are we actually dealing with? What's the situation? Like what's the root cause that drove this critical conversation? Then there's the evoking why, Okay, this person wants to feel comfortable, they don't want to feel

horrible and receive this. Why what's underneath that resistance? And based on what we can uncover in the receptiveness and that says, okay, well, planning, what do we do with this? How do we move forward constructively so we can get better, we can grow, we can minimize this or mitigate a portion of the problem. And you know, I think it's just like selling. If you're going through all of your steps and you're speaking to a certain amount of people.

You're gonna have a closing ratio and guess what it's going to be far from one hundred percent.

me feel shit. Two. People want to feel good more than they want to grow. Growth requires discomfort. Feedback threatens self esteem, identity, narratives, emotional safety, the illusion of competency. Humans are wired to protect their self concept, so even when feedback is helpful, it often feels like danger. Three. The brain interprets feedback as a threat. Neuroscience one oh one, You're amigdalat often reacts to feedback the same way that

it reacts to someone saying we need to talk. Heart Rate rises, defensiveness activates, ego wakes up, cortisol increases, protective narrative turns on. Feedback equals you might not be who you think you are, and that's terrifying for most people. Four, But people do want to improve. There's ten. I'll just do five. Four. Here's the paradox. People don't like receiving feedback, but they do like progress, competence, mastery, growth, achieving goals, succeeding,

becoming better versions of themselves. So internally people want the outcome of feedback, they just don't want the emotional discomfort of hearing it. People do like feedback when it's one gentle, framed positively delivered by someone they trust, the timing is right, their nervous system has come. It feels like support rather than judgment. It's specific and actionable, and it doesn't trigger shame. They like feedback that feels like help, not criticism. I'll do one more because it's valid.

People desire comfort more than they desire growth. Here's a question for everyone listening to this, have you or can you remember a little bit more of a loaded question, a specific time in your life where things were hard and you were facing challenges and you wanted comfort, but you also wanted growth. But growth was the harder path, yet you chose it anyway. I am willing to bet, and I am being very conservative. Eighty percent of the audience did a hand raised inside themselves just now. So

that is evidence that we do choose growth. The question is what are the elements when we choose comfort overgrowth? What creates that, What creates that in our neurobiology, what creates that in our psychology? What past events are we interpreting, and what's our belief system? Because when you are trying to help someone get to where they want to be as a facilitator, not the driver, or that you can't afford well, people just I mean, that's the bottom line.

You're not going to get through to everyone, nor should you ever have that expectation. But if you can identify with that person meaning evoking not provoking in the conversation, you might be able to shed some light on what the actual factors are that's causing someone to choose comfort over growth. I know that when growth has been really, really hard in my life. There are times when I have chose comfort and doing nothing, and then there are times when I chose growth even though it was the

much harder path. There's there's either either I have multiple personalities, which I probably do, or there were different factors at play. Do you know what I mean?

for many people rarely. I think many people are hardwired for comfort and obsessed with comfort, and obsessed with convenience and shortcuts and quick fixes and magic pills, which is why all of that shit sells so vastly, because people want the reward without the work, without the discomfort, without the pain. If they didn't want that, all of those things wouldn't sell. But you are correct in that people

do choose growth over comfort. But the asterisks is, you know, sometimes sometimes some people, But I think the more important parts So I agree with you, but I think with an asterisk, but I think the more important part of this is we all have the potential to do the hard thing, like you know you think about I've spoken about this many times before, but even say Johnny, who you know, Johnny, my friend that got blown up, who's

you know? Traumatic brain injury, spinal cord injury. You know, when he had his accident, he couldn't get up the next day. Will He was in a coma for over a month, so he didn't get up on any days for quite a while, and he was going to be a quadriplegic allegedly, but he couldn't wake up. When he eventually he woke up and said, you know what, I'm not going to do traumatic brain injury and spinal corps. I'm not going to do it. Fuck it, I'll do

it Monday. Like you just have to cope. Like there are certain things when you don't have the option of choosing comfort because something profound has happened in your world. So you have two options, the fucking horrible option or the slightly more horrible option. It's like the comfort is not one of the options in this moment in time. And so and of course the vast majority of people get through it, like they do it. They step up because well, there's no quick, easy, fun, painless kind of option.

And I you know, that encourages me regarding people's potential. But I just think that we and I'm generalizing and I'm not talking about everyone, of course, but we are well I can I live in Australia, so I'm going to speak not for Australia, but what I see, which is we are a country and a culture which is in part obsessed with convenience and shortcuts and quick fixes and comfort and you know, and this for a range of reasons, in my opinion, is so debilitating and so

crippling to people's potential and resilience and personal power. Steps down, off soapbox.

someone doing something right. And it's so there's some interesting research by a couple of guys, Robert Emmons and Michael McCullum. And Michael McCallum more so than Emmons, looks at gratitude from an evolutionary perspective, like why would nature select for gratitude in the first place, like why do we need it? And what he believes is if you if you have gratitude about something, and let's say that gratitude is connected

to a person. Let's say I feel very grateful because you did something specifically, maybe it was for me or for someone I cared about. What am I now likely to do? I'm likely to go to you and say, oh, my goodness, Craig, I'm so grateful and tell you exactly why I'm grateful for you. Yeah, so that hasn't a profound effect on your neurobiology. You feel amazing, your stress hormone levels drop. That's something you want more of. So a couple of things start to happen. One, you want

to experience stuff like that more of the time. So let's say you have a team, or let's say you live in a family and people make a habit of doing that and you start hearing some of the same things from different people. What are you now motivated to go out and do.

You know I will be rewarded for these types of behaviors. So you're getting that, and now you're also getting social persuasion. So like if you look at social cognitive theory out at Bendura, that's like two that's two primary elements of what it takes to elicit behavior change. So you start to create this within all of your subcultures and it's

really important. So people want to and you're also building a sense of agency in people because I believe a lot of times when people are like, Okay, I'm going to choose comfort overgrowth, it might be linked to I don't believe I'm capable, So why would I invest energy in doing something that has a physical, emotional psychological cost if I don't believe that I have any agency in bringing about the outcomes or the experience that motivates me

tackling discomfort in the first place. So the more I start to point out things, I elevate self efficacy because if you agree to it, oh yeah, I did do that, that's irrefutable evidence in your ability. So you're creating a culture not only a rapport of gratitude or reciprocity of a vicarious experiences and of social persuasion. You're creating a

culture of self efficacy. And I think that's it's one of these things that is easy to do, and it has profound effects on members of whatever your group is, the people at the office, the people in your household, the people you hang out with at the pub every Tuesday night.

If you're the only person on the team that does that and you do it, well, you deserve recognition for that. But if you're appraising yourself based on an innate characteristic and not a demonstratable area of performance or skill set, I have no patience for that level of entitlement.

just occurred? What are you giving feedback on? When did it happen? Because sometimes, you know, people say, oh, you want to give feedback as soon as possible. You know what if what if somebody made a series of errors and they just blew a presentation in front of an entire room and the thing they hate the most is presenting. Now is probably not the time. How do you think

that person's feeling. First of all, their their prefrontal cortex is probably not even able to assimilate and utilize any feedback. Number two, they're they're looking at it through a different emotional lens. Maybe maybe tomorrow, maybe maybe tonight. You know, go have yourself a cup of tea, grab a glass of wine, whatever your beverage choice is. Don't think about this. Every of things cool. Let's talk about this in the morning.