#2021 Self-Worth - Kelly, Tiff & Harps

sounds like you're ringing from Mars. And have you ever called anyone tip on Messenger when you don't have their actual phone number?

about half an hour early. So we finished the meeting and she said to me, how do you think I went, I said, yeah, great, you know, everybody got what they needed from it. We have action items. We can move forward. She was okay, good, and I said, why were you talking so fast in this meeting? She's like, oh, I just felt like I needed to give their time back

because mine isn't as important as theirs. And I went, oh, I said, can you please stop undervaluing yourself because they actually agreed to that meeting time and they were, you know, they were happy to have that conversation with you and give you that time, so therefore you're just as valuable as them. And the next day she came back to me and she was like, wow, that was a really good reframe because I didn't actually think that I was

as valuable as the other people there. And it just made me think, well, how many other people are in that position, and why do we kind of go your time's more important than mine, I'm not adding as much value as you are, And what can we do to change that perception.

have us do a thing or provide a service. And maybe she's paid less than some of the others in the meeting, so she sees herself as less than or I'm not sure is that the case. Is she on perhaps a lower annual salary than other people in the meeting.

is anyone going to deem that any value? So is it one of those few moments that you can kind of go, hey, can I rely on someone to give me some really constructive feedback and I can take that on board and go, okay, Yeah, what I'm doing is adding something.

my own self esteem and my own fear. But I can recognize that perhaps Tiff, who knows me quite well, could watch me do a presentation, or Kelly, who knows who's heard a lot of podcasts, could listen to something or see something that I do and give me a perspective that I can't have because I'm the person in the middle. So I think that capacity or that willingness to seek feedback, and I mean actually seek feedback, be

it good or bad. I'm not saying seek approval or seek endorsement or seek affirmation, but rather just seek real, genuine feedback, whatever it is from other people. Is it's a really smart idea because we can't give that to ourselves. It's one of the few things like we can't give

ourselves an objective opinion of us. We can't and even for you too, to give me objective feedback about me is kind of hard because you already have an opinion of me, right, But it's definitely more objective than I can give myself, right, So I think that I think that is part of it. I also think self doubt and undervaluing oneself is ah super duper common. I think it becomes a real negative when the self doubt spills

into self loathing. But and I don't know other than you know, like, is somebody giving us feedback on no Kel, you actually did great. I know you think that was a three out of ten, but I actually think it was a six and maybe a seven. And here's how I think you could make it an eight or a nine. Right then that's really constructive and positive. But I think, also, you know, the only way that we can build confidence and confidence and skill is just by just showing up

and doing that anyway, which I know is cluche. But I do have one story then I'll shut up. So I remember when I first started personal training. I was working at Trackside Sports in Hampton, near the railway line. I was earning twelve dollars now I was the gym manager. I was working forty hours a week, so my gross wage was four hundred and eighty. I think my net wage was somewhere in the low four hundreds, so I was probably clearing about ten dollars seventy an hour, and

that was not terrible. So this was like forty years ago, nine eighty three or four. It wasn't terrible money. I was also working in nightclubs getting punched in the face

for about twelve to fourteen dollars an hour. And so because every hour that I worked, I got paid, give or take twelve thirteen fourteen dollars an hour, that's what I understood as my value monetarily, you know, financially, it's well, if I'm going to do something for someone, whatever the something is, what they're probably going to give me is twelve to fourteen dollars an hour. And that's that's about

what I because that was my experience. You know, over six years, I was always paid or let's say I was twenty four at that stage, so six years of work, I was always paid around that. So that's six years of programming, six years of getting about the same money per hour of work. And so after six years of repetition and familiarity with a certain relationship with money, you think, oh, I'm worth twelve dollars an hour. So when my first client came to the gym, we're talking about value and

perceived value of my first client, to be Max. He came in and he wanted to be trained. He didn't want a gym membership. Well, he wanted a gym membership, but he wanted someone to take him through his workouts, which we didn't even call personal training at that stage. And him and I hit it off and he said, would you take me through my workouts? I'm like, well,

that's not even a thing. He said, what if I pay you and every time I come in, rather than getting my workout card out of the filing cabinet and going in the gym like the rest of the masses, you take me through it every time? What would that cost me? Now? I was earning twelve bucks an hour, and I'm good at maths, and I went, well, if he gave me fifty bucks for three workouts, that's give or take seven eight dollars an hour, that's good because

twelve seventeen that's good money. And in some rare moment of courage or delusion, I said to him one hundred dollars for three workouts. And as it came out of my mouth, I regretted that i'd said it because I knew he would say no, because who the fuck's going to pay the twelve dollar guy thirty three dollars? And I go one hundred bucks, and he looks at me and he goes, he you're sure, And I went, I fucked it up. I fucked this up. And I go yeah, and he goes, that seems cheap, and I'm like, oh

my god. Right, And so I started training him for one hundred dollars for three workouts, so thirty three dollars an hour. All of a sudden, Right, I'm the same guy, working in the same place. I need no new skills, no more knowledge. The problem wasn't that I wasn't thirty worth thirty three dollars or fifty dollars or whatever. Now,

the problem was that I didn't believe I was. So I always had the capacity to earn triple that or quadruple that depending on the context, especially at that point in time with six years experience and six years knowledge and leadership and management experience. And so it's that it's like, what we're capable of is not the problem. What we think we're capable of is the problem. What we're worth is not the issue. What we think we're worth is the issue. Does that make sense? Yeah?

and the physiological change. And I said this for me when I went from Jumbo, the unfittest kid to the fittest kid in my school through work and a bit of self control and a bit of application. Not genetics, not brilliance, not anything, but the biggest transformation for most people when they do something radical with their body or their fitness or their health, the biggest transformation and the

biggest value is what happens to their thinking. Because all of a sudden you go, oh, I've seen myself the same way for thirty years or twenty five years. Oh, I can actually be an athlete, or I can actually be fit and strong and healthy and functional. Or I can actually be a boxer in Tip's case, who gets in a ring and un people in the face and wins titles. Or in my case, I can write a book. Oh fuck, I didn't think I could write a book. Oh, and now I've written seven books. Ah, I'm an author,

but everyone thinks I can't. I can't until they do. And the book achievement is good. The boxing achievement is good, right. The getting on the you project achievement and interviewing me is good. All of those things are nice achievements. But the real value is the learning and the growth in the doing. It's who you're becoming, and it's how you're expanding your ideas and understanding of what's possible for you.

It's like climbing the mountains, climbing the mountain, that the gift is who you become climbing the mountain, what you learn climbing the mountain, how you develop climbing the mountain. So for me, I loved getting people in shape, and I loved training people for events and all of that. But I loved seeing this fucking this cognitive and emotional and psychological metamorphosis where like the body is different, that's cool,

different body, but oh my god, the person's different. The person has really transformed because once the person changes, because you're not training bodies, you're working with people who live in bodies. And anyone can understand a body anatomy, physiology, bio mechanics, fucking nutrition, sleep, breast recovery, cellular health, the immune system, gut by. I'm cool, you can google all that shit, right, that is relatively easy. But understanding the

fucking human who walks around in that body, that's a challenge. Now, when you can get to that point where you are impacting the human not just the body, then that's fucking magic. And sorry, I don't get excited at all.

or that I have an innate gift. I think it's a gift that I have been given in that me helping people is precious and I'm blessed and unfortunate and I'm gifted to be able to do that right and too. Like I was going to say, nothing excites me more, that might be a lie, but I can't. Nothing springs to mind than helping people to realize, and I mean realize in both ways, realize as in develop and operationalized,

but also realize cognitively their own potential. I see people all the time and I think, oh, wow, you do not know how good you are. You don't know how good you can be, you know. And I'm going to throw him under the bus, right, But someone who's been on this show and this is a compliment for him, Scotty Douglas, who Tiff met today. It had brunch and I had fucking coffee with him. He's the typ slut. I'll just say it. Fuck it you know you are you know you are Scott, and he doesn't realize how

fucking incredible he is. Like he's got a bit of an insight. But that dude is clever. That dude has got a kind of intelligence and creativity. He's a gift to the world. That motherfucker. He's a gift, you know. And he's he underestimates himself. I think he's got an idea,

but he still underestimates himself. And you know, this is one of the beautiful things about being a you know, somebody who cares about other people is helping them to really understand that they are the solution to all of this. You know, Craig's not the solution. Tift's not the solution. You know, I'm not special. Tift's not special. You're not special. We're just people who want to help people and serve people.

And when you can help people to become the biggest asset in their own life, that's that's amazing.

you know, doing the stuff that I do. Where if I had another job, like if I was an accountant, I'd be listening to podcasts and reading all the shit I read now, and I'd be fascinated with the stuff I'm fascinated in, you know, Like, how lucky am I that it's actually what I do for a job.

to a trainer, engaging with the right people. But it's for me at the moment, like it's something letting go of control of almost everything and just saying, hey, you're the right person for this. I know that you've got the skills. How can you help me? And so I'm not really framing this as a question, but it's what do you think or what's the kind of insight around that in Is it like a letting go of wanting

to control everything? Is it just being more insightful? For instance, like I've dabbled in a lot of things in terms of creativity, so I can spice together some videos, I can take photos, I can do a whole bunch of things at a kind of average level, and I've always just kind of thought I can do it, so therefore I will. And now I'm at a space where I'm like, I know other people well that can do it incredibly well, so I'm engaging them to do it and getting better results.

And there's a sense of freedom in releasing the control over. I can do it in a half past way, so therefore I'm going to keep doing it in a half last way.

and focus? In data DA? So my question is what excites me? Well, building websites? Fuck no, producing videos, fuck no, editing the podcast, fuck no, doing all the shit that Melissa as Fucknah. Most of what Tiff does not. Some of what Tiff does, yes, because there's overlap. But I think, and of course there will be things that I need to do that. It just it is logic and reasonable,

logical and reasonable that I do that. But you know, the things that you need to do change as you evolve and as you earn a few bucks, and as your career changes and develops. Right, So there were things that I really needed to do that didn't excite me, but I needed to do them. Year one of Harper's, Year twenty five of Harper's and it went for twenty five years. That was very different. And so now year eight of the podcast, year six of my PhD, which

has nearly finished, year sixty two of my life. I want to do the things that fucking excite me and have a team around me that if they want to be involved with me, and I'm of value and service to them, and there's synergy and we all want to kind of head in the same direction that we're all doing our own stuff. Like it doesn't excite me to do a lot of you know, it's like every time I every time I travel, it's like everything's organized. I

don't want to be booking shit. I don't want to be I don't want to be having countless phone calls with potential clients for things. I don't want to book airfairs and transfers and hotels. And I can do it,

but it's not a great use of my time. And what I want to do is I want to talk to you know, once the deal's done and I know I'm doing a gig, I want to talk to the person that's running the event so I can get a bit excited and get them excited, which I did that this morning with someone I take notes, I start to plan for the event, and then I want to turn up and hopefully blow their fucking socks off and then

fly home. That's what I want to do, right, But also there'll be times when it's not all shits and giggles. But yeah, and then if you said to me, I love fucking doing videos, I love being creative, I love producing content put out to the world, I would say, do it, even if you're not great at it, even if you're not the best person for it. If you said I love it, I really want to develop at it.

I want to maybe monetize it eventually, maybe not, don't know, I would say that is what you should do if you can still survive financially doing whatever it is you're going to do as well as that. But yeah, I think so few people get excited about shit, especially when they're beyond eight. Talk to any fucking forty year old about something that really excited about not much. Not much. Talk to a sixty two year old like me. Fucking hell.

And I'm not trying to be negative. I'm like, how good is it when there is something that we are actually passionate about that we can dive into that might help us grow, learn, evolved, become better, but also do something good for the world. And at the same time, like that shit excites me, like genuinely excites me.

anywhere else. And it's really stupid, and I love it and it makes me smile, and I just thought, I'm going to keep doing it because I'm having so much fun with it, and it's You're right, And I think it's also the lack of excitement correlates with lack of fun, and this is something that just is fun and so I'm probably wasting way too much time on it, but it's fun and I love it, so I'm going to keep doing it.

I'm not saying don't make lots of money. But if you're doing things that truly give you joy and happiness, and you know, if you can weave in there some purpose, and you know, I think that these things don't need to live in isolation, you know, or silos where oh I can I can do good things for people and be hopefully a mentor or a coach or a role model in some capacity for a few dysfunctional people who want a role model like me. And I can also make some dough. And I can also you know, entertain

people and be funny and inappropriate. And you know, that's like all of these things can coexist. And you can have your job, which I know you love, your job, which is very meaningful and purposeful, and an environment and a culture that you love, but also you can have this so i'd hustle, or this side interest that is just a different world where you're developing or expressing in

another way. And I think that I think whatever gets you excited, do not fucking let that go, because I you know, maybe it's just my observation and my experience, so I'm not drawing any broad conclusions. But the filter through which I see a lot of things going on around me, and you know, in media and in social media is that they're just ain't a lot of joy or excitement, and I understand a lot of it because of what's going on in the world. But yeah, I think.

I think also we have a responsibility individually to go I'm going to I'm going to create a life as much as I can, as much as that is possible for me. That is a good place to be. You know, it's not TIFF's job to make my life good. It's not Kelly's job to make me happy. As Ricky Gervais says, you know, your feelings are not my responsibility. That doesn't mean we should be, you know, heartless pricks, lacking empathy.

But at the same time, it's nobody's job. For Craig Harper, it's nobody's job to fix me, save me, or make me better. That's my job. You know, it's your job, Kelly, to make your life good. Nobody's else else's. It's your job to make a good career. It's your job to keep you in shape. And you know that's that that's the human experience. Doesn't mean that other people can't support

or help or cheer. But yeah, that's my takee So my question to you too, I don't mind who answers this is is there anything that like, I know this is pie in the sky stuff, but like if there was, if you did have no fear and if you knew that you would succeed, Like you knew you would succeed twelve months twenty four months now from now, you know you've succeeded at a level and there's been a few speed bumps, but it's now going great. What is it

that you would like to be doing? TIF We might start with you twelve to twenty four months from now where you're going, you know that where you might currently have some fear or apprehension. But what would you dive into if you couldn't fail?

getting bookings right, which is happening and developing. Is there something that you like, a concept that you want to develop where you could do like a weekend or a three or a four day program where you do what you've just described to me, where you're taking a bunch of people away and you're you're leading it and it's all, you know, diving into the human experience and helping people kind of with breakthroughs and breakdowns and breakups and all

of the human stuff. Is there something that you would like to develop over the next year or two.

I could possibly piece together. So that's been a huge, huge thing for me to get over the fear of because there's so many people that are amazing writers and I've been in all honest, you're probably quite lazy about it and just thought, you know, time's been and gone, so what's the point. And now I'm like, well, this is something that it's always been on my mind. Stop

being scared. There's absolutely a point to it, and just give it a go because I don't want to get to however old I get to and think I should have tried that.

is good, or you know you're planning the book. I mean, I think it's in the writing or the book of the book, or the joining of the gym, or the going to jiu jitsu or the signing up to do a course at university or whatever it is. For people that are fearful, it's actually doing the process that removes the fear. It's like, oh, when I'm not scared of this, I'll go and do that. Well, No, that's how you get rid of the fear is by you start scared,

and that's how the you know. It's like when I started my current course, I was you know, by the time it actually came around where I had to physically show up and sit in a cubicle monash on November one, nine two sorry, two thousand and nineteen, I was almost resenting the fact that I'd said, yes, I was. I was definitely wasn't. It wasn't a massive regret, but it was like a low level regret. I'm like, a fuck, what if I like the idea of this is not

the reality of this. And yeah, and I had, however much fear you've got to write a book. I mean, we can't compare, but I'm pretty sure my fear of all of the potential bad outcomes of me thinking I could do a fucking PhD. Like I constantly had these dialogues with myself about why did you even like your ego is so big that you couldn't recognize that this is not for you, Like you couldn't recognize you're not a PhD student. You know, you fell through your first degree.

And by the way, it's not the hardest degree. I did a degree, and I did quite well. But it's like it's exercise science. It's not fucking nuclear medicine. Is it? Like you're not curing cancer or fucking launching space shuttles. You can't, So fucking hell, what made you think you could do this? And yeah, but you just got and like six months in, I'm like less terrified, and then down the track you think, like I look back, now, I understand the fear, I understand the apprehension. I understand

the anxiety, and it wasn't without foundation or reason. It's like I totally get it. But also I know, oh so now that fear has gone. Now I've got more understanding, more knowledge, more experience, and now I'm in a position where I can, with not just theoretical understanding, but experiential understanding, really support people who want to do, you know, kind of higher education later in life. I'm I'm like, yeah, I get it, I get it. Trust me, no one

was less prepared than me. So you know, all of that stuff I think is you know, you'll write your book, Your book will sell one copy or a million copies, who knows, doesn't matter, because the real challenge is in the writing and the doing and the producing and the creativity, and then just then whatever happens with that happens. But that's that's out of your control to an extent. So yeah, I think you can do I think you can both

do it. So consider yourselves encouraged, both you both you if not slightly reprimanded and still my pants, yeah you still you can still be shitting your pants.