#2003 The Escalating Shouting Match - Harps

going on on social media. I try not to get too involved in things that I can't influence, but I want to be informed and I want to pay attention, and for me because I'm a curious cat around you know, human behavior and communication and the mind and the subconscious, and you know what appears to be going on on the surface, the external, physical, threat dimensional world what we would call, you know, kind of the objective situation or

objective reality, and then how we interpret that what's happening on a I guess more of a subjective level for me or you, the individual in the middle of that ma grow that thing that's going on with the government or the weather, or global warming, or this argument or that argument, or this screaming match these people, this group, that group. Everyone's fucking right, everyone's angry, everyone's screaming at

each other. Everybody's in the middle of a fucking global or a personal or a you know, some kind of political or religious shouting match, and uh yeah, it makes me, it makes me, does it make me sad? It makes me a little sad. But I guess I'm more curious. And I don't want to talk today about politics or religion or I don't want to talk about you know, particular issues or topics that seem to trigger people and seem to be you know, the focus of contention and

debate and argument and even fucking hate. Right, I want to talk about what's underneath that. I want to talk about what drives us to scream at each other, what drives us, what drives the hate, what drives the intolerance? What? Why do we? And when I say things like why do we? I may not be talking about you, so I'm speaking I'm speaking broadly, and I'm trying to speak representatively, and of course I'll get things wrong. But why do

we need to be right? Why do we? Why are we so hesitant to listen to somebody who doesn't think like us, or talk like us, or believe like us, or live like us? Because you know these are these are and by the way, listening to or perhaps considering another perspective or another person or another you know, a paradigm that you don't live in. This doesn't mean that we're being disloyal or this doesn't mean that where we're compromising. For me, it's very much just about understanding or what

do I think and what do I mean? And where is my intention and my ideas and where is my where is this emotion, where's this defensiveness, where is this need to be right in me coming from? But also so what is their version like what you know that seek first to understand, like what drives them? Why do they think the way they do? What do they think? Firstly? Where does that come from? And then things like is there any chance? Is there any chance that I'm wrong

or a bit wrong? And I think one of the one of the ever present challenges around all of the stuff that's going on at the moment is that so many of us don't even want to consider the fact that we could be wrong. We could be unequivocally wrong about something. I would suggest, not all things, but some things.

And so when we sit down to talk to somebody, or when we find ourselves in the middle of a situation or a circumstance where we're around other people who disagree with us, or they don't share our thought or philosophy or ideology or religion or lifestyle or habits or whatever it is, we can find ourselves in a an emotional and social and psychological situation where, rather than just being us in the middle of that, we now feel compelled to defend something, or to share a certain message,

or to convince somebody else of something, or to criticize somebody of what they think because it doesn't align with what we think. Rather than just being just going you know, you think A and I think be and that's all right. You know you eat this way, that way, you worship this way, I worship that way. You believe in this God, I believe in that God. I'm not trying to convince you. And also me saying me acknowledging that somebody else believes

something that is diametrically opposed to what I believe. Firstly, I can't change that person, neither do I want to change that person, but I would perhaps even if I think that that person is really doing some dark, bad shit, right, I still want to understand where that comes from. Me understanding you, understanding that doesn't not mean that you agree, or that you align, or that you endorse. You know

that seek first to understand. We can't overcome or we can't really you know, the bad shit that happens in the world, How do we deal with that if we

don't understand that. But I think we get scared to try to understand things, because I think part of us feels that, oh, on some level, if I understand this person, I'm supporting or I'm opening myself up to something evil or bad or and I would just rather live over here with all the people that think what I think and talk like I talk, and have the same kind of ideology and habits and practices and behaviors and rules and rituals, because over here I'm safe and we know

that we're on the right team, and over there is the wrong team, So fuck them. Whereas I'm more interested in, Yeah, I don't agree with them, I don't align with them, I don't like what they do, perhaps, but nonetheless I'm curious about out why they are the way they are. I'm curious about why I am the way that I am. And by the way, in this conversation about this topic, about is there any chance that I'm wrong. Have I been wrong about things in my life before? Have I

had opinions and beliefs and ideas that prove to be incorrect? Now? The answer for all of us is yes. And so when we go through life looking through this filter of I am right, or through this window or this lens of everything that I do and think and believe is correct, then we are automatically shutting ourselves down from any unlearning or new learning. And I don't know that this. I don't know if it's a trend, if it's just something. I don't know what it is, but I maybe I

just haven't paid enough attention. Maybe the fact that social media and the access that we have to so much information now has never been bigger, you know, like we've never had so much exposure and access to so many

different people's thoughts and ideas. And then I guess part of that is we've never had so much online hate and dissension and you know, and people back and forth, and I think, why even do some people like why does and I'm not saying he or she shouldn't, but why does this person from wherever jump online and then spend an hour or two hours screaming about this particular issue and going back and forwards and arguing and fighting

with people they don't know. And while on a behavioral like an like a human behavior level and a psychologyt I kind of get it. But then I think, like this and not producing anything healthy or helpful for you? Does this? You know what need is this meeting in you? Because it's not a good need in my opinion. So let's and again this is going to be very informal as it already is. I I don't know that I'm going to have any solutions for you. I don't think ever that on this show my job is to give

you solutions or instruction per se. You know that this is literally me thinking out loud. I'd love to have this conversation with a bunch of people around me, but it's just me. So I wrote this thing that I want to read to you, and then off the back

of that, I want to explore a few questions. And sometimes, like I've said to you before, sometimes I write things and I go oh, and it's going to become like it's going to be like two three sentences about an idea and I think, think, yeah, that'll make a good whiteboard post or that'll, that'll, that'll open a door to some thinking on ig or Instagram or whatever it is. And then it becomes a paragraph, and then it becomes two paragraphs, and then I'm like, well, what the fuck

do I do with this? It's too long for a post, it's too short for a podcast. So I want to read what I've written to you. Maybe that's the best way to disseminate this. And then I want to talk off the back of it. So that I've got two titles I couldn't decide, so title one is the Escalating Shouting Match and title to or maybe the subtitle is the illusion of open mindedness? Why is meaningful discussion between people with different views? So rare? Ten people gather in

a room to discuss a certain matter. Each person has a different view and belief about the focus of the conversation. Each person believes that they are correct and by default, that everyone else in the room is incorrect. They all consider themselves to be open minded. They are not. Every individual sees themselves as logical and reasonable, while ironically living in an ideological echo chamber of thought and belief and

behavior and ritual. Each person resonates with people who think like them, reject people who do not think like them, and each person belongs to a thought cult without even knowing it, a cult for which the cost of membership is agreement, an alignment, and conformity. A cult where independent thinking, so not agreeing with the group independent thinking is a sin. Disloyalty and disagreement with the group ensure excommunication. An unwavering

groupthink is the price of salvation. When people disagree with these all knowing individuals, they are defensive, They are emotional, reactive, and sometimes aggressive. Naturally, every person in the room considers the other nine people to be misinformed or ignorant, or at the very least part of the problem. Questions like what if I'm wrong that? What if I'm the one

that's wrong? They never even enter their consciousness because they already know, in inverted commas, they already know that their truth is the truth. And when you already know that your truth is the truth, well then nothing else really matters in that conversation because you're righteous, they are not. And so why am I writing this? Well, I'm writing

this because all of us are in that room. We don't want to acknowledge that or think that, but we're all in that room, and if not all the time, of course, not all the time, but definitely sometimes, and of course me too, of course Craig Harper as well.

Of Course I think I'm right when I'm wrong. Of Course, many times in my life I've been arrogant and righteous and self righteous of course because I'm human, because I'm flawed, and I think I think we need to be able to be okay with that to go I'm wrong, I fucked up, I got something wrong. And the interesting thing is, ironically, often when we hear things like this, like this message, we kind of not our head, you know, we're not

our heads. We understand the message and maybe we even agree with it all the while knowing that it's not about us. So that was what I wrote, That's what I wanted to share. And I just feel like that I don't know what the answer is, by the way, but I definitely know the answer is not loud to screaming, more screaming, more disconnection, more hate. You don't understand if we don't stand up for this, and if we don't you know, even when we go back to the thing

about and this is about thinking. This example I'm about share is about thinking, and it's not about religion or faith or belief. It's about belief, but it's not about religion per se. You know, when we consider that there are over four thousand, give or take religions in the world, four thousand and about twelve major religions, and when you think that nearly every religion teaches something this which is

at odds with all the other religions. Yes, there's similarity and there's crossover, but on a level, most religions believe that they are for one of them more more theological explanation, that they're correct, that they're right, that they are the conduit to God, that they are the one true church, that their doctrine, that their scriptures, that they're teaching, that their book is the right book. Right. But in the middle of that belief, I am right. We are right.

This is the one true church. Our theology is only we have a hotline to God. And this here's what's wrong with that religion. Here's what's wrong with this religion. Here's what's and here's what's right without right with ours, I should say, and again, it's not about religion. It's

about this idea that we cannot be wrong. We can't be wrong, because when you think about belonging to a group, any group that thinks, any group that has a doctrine or a teaching or ideas or beliefs or values which are the basis of that group, then you can't question any of those things ever, because to question those ideas, to question that thinking, to question that doctrine, to question that operating system that everybody inhabits, is to question the

group itself. And therefore you will be an outcast and a reject. And we don't want to be rejected or outcast. We want to fucking belong, So we tell ourselves, don't think, just believe. When I was in church, one particular church, when I was young, I was literally told, if not those exact words, basically those words, don't think, just believe. This is not about you your I was actively discouraged from questioning. I was actively discouraged from thinking for myself.

I was I was actively discouraged from any kind of doubt or disagreement or hesitation. Well why would that be. Well, if you've got a young dude in the church who's questioning and thinking for himself, I'm not talking about rebelling or being trying to actively be a problem. I'm just talking about, Hey, you said this, that doesn't resonate with me, that doesn't make sense to me, that seems illogical to me. And by the way, you teach this, but do that.

So I am seeing inconsistencies. So is it what you say or is it what you do? Because what you are doing does not fucking reflect what you are saying. In fact, the doctrine, the ideas that we're teaching in this place, or that we're sharing in this group doesn't have to be a church. But in this group, these ideas, these principles, these kind of tenets that we essentially build our identity on. I'm seeing lots of people who don't do that. Can I ask about that? No, you fucking

can't shut that down again? Right, So, within these groups, these conflicting groups, these differing thought cults, there is no openness, There is no room for communication, There is no kind of hey, look, this is what we've thought for a long time. But maybe we're flawed, maybe our culture or maybe our ideas, or maybe our theology, or maybe this

or that, maybe we got it wrong. Whoever says that, whoever, even in politics, think about how often whatever the group that you are in, whatever the political group that you're in, whatever the group thinks, whatever their message is, whatever their policy is, whatever their mandate is, whatever their kind of ideology is. If you're in that group, it doesn't matter what you actually think. It doesn't matter what you actually think.

You are proactively or you are actively discouraged, in fact, if not, cast out of the group unless you say what you need to say for the group, because it ain't about you, It ain't about you thinking, it ain't about you being critical in your analysis of things. No, you are fucking discouraged. And this is the problem that this is part of the problem is that we want to live in these fucking echo chambers because the echo

chamber is familiar. When I'm in the echo chamber, I'm around people who do like me, think like me, talk like me, behave like me, and it's so comfortable because we just happen to be in the right group. Well, guess what, boys and girls, do you fucking not not all the time? You're not And I dare say, unless all of you are statistical anomalies, which I really doubt, is that some of you right now and the group could just be a five person group, a social group.

I'm not talking about big change the world groups necessarily. I'm talking about you listen to this show. You listen to me because you have a brain. You listen to me because you want to think differently, do differently, and be differently. You listen to me because there's something that's not working, or there's something that's not optimal about your social life, or your career, or your body, or your health, or your habits or your happiness, your internal world, your

external world. You're thinking, you're doing your being, you're responding your proactive stuff. You react. There's something fucking going on. And you know right now. You know when I'm saying this, if this relates to you, and if this doesn't relate to you, great, and I mean that's sincerely. If it doesn't, If all I'm saying is like to you double Dutch and it's like, no, this is I'm not like that, Craig, this doesn't relate, then I would say jump out, come

back tomorrow. And I mean that in love. But for those of you who know that you are, there are things that you are conforming to through guilt or fear or some misplaced sense of loyalty, where you are basically a character in someone else's story, where you are kind of just saying or doing or being what you think you need to say or do or be because you don't want the drama, you don't want the conflict. But what you're also saying is I don't want to be me.

I don't want to be me because I'm not enough. Well, you are enough. And if you're in a group of one, fucking great. You're not going to be in a group of one for your whole life, but you might be in a group of one about a certain thing. I'm not suggesting we all live lives of solitude and quiet desperation, of course, I'm saying that we don't all need to belong to a bunch of different groups to which we are scribe and handover essentially the keys to our brain.

I've spent much of my life gratefully, gratefully being very very alone, in the sense that the way that I thought or lived or behaved. You know, not that I'm the only person, of course, but amongst my peers, amongst the people that I knew, I was a group of one, often alone, but not lonely. And there's no self pity in this because I'm very grateful. My life is amazing, and I have beautiful, awesome friends. But you think about the guy that, by the way, today turns sixty two,

go jumbo. But you think about that guy who's sixty two who never got married, Well that's weird. What's wrong with him? He's broken? Is he gay? Is he straight? Is he got lots of emotional and psychological issues? How come he didn't what didn't anyone want him? Did someone want him? Has he got commitment issues? As he This is all of these things. And I get the curiosity.

I get it. But the guy who never got married, and the guy who never drank beer, and the guy who never did drugs, and the guy who and again this is not me elevating me. I don't necessarily think this is good or bad. But you know that I was walking this morning. I was up early, and I was walking around suburbia and it was dark, and I was I walked past this lady who has a dog who I see quite regularly, and she's out early walking and I'm out early walking. But it was dark, it

was not yet light. And she always, if not always nearly always crosses the street because he's a dude in a black coat and it's five thirty am, and I could be whatever. Right now, I was thinking how weird I must be for some people where I live, because I'm always just out and about doing my thing, headphones on, you know, black coat on, like an army shorts, just navigating suburbia like a to them, like a complete fucking weirdo. But in the middle of my group of one, I

love it. But I but my life connects with lots of groups. I have groups of friends, I have groups of I have groups of friends that have similar passions and ideas to me. And you know my training friends, and you know my academic friends and all of that. But I don't feel compelled. Firstly, I wouldn't say that I'm a member of a group. I would say that

I belong, you know what's the word. I intersect with a lot of other people, right, and we may or may not have similar beliefs and ideas, but that's not a prerequisite for being in those relationships. So do I have friends that I see or people that I know, or people that I train with, or people that I work with that I disagree with? Like quite diametrically opposed on some things. But they're still my friends, or they're still my colleagues, or I still like them, I respect them.

Of course, of course, our job is not to agree, Our job is not to align. I believe that our biggest challenge is to figure out who we are and how we are. What matters to me? What do I believe? Not what have I been told to believe, not what's expected of me to do or think or believe, but rather, what are my values? What is my life about? Who the fuck do I want to be? And how do I want to be that? And what is that? You know? What is that going to look like practically in my life?

Do I have to agree with everybody? Can I disagree with people without there being a problem? What about that? What about you and I disagree? But it makes no difference to our friendship. You think A, I think B. You still love me, I still love you. We're all good. Our friendship, our love, our connection, our respect is not dependent on alignment or agreement, And in fact, if it is dependent on agreement, I would suggest it's not actually

love or connection or friendship. I would say it's some kind of unhealthy fucking strategic alliance, this thing that we have, this need that we have to be right or to belong to a group that alive, and nobody wants to be alone. And I'm not suggesting you be alone. I'm suggesting you be you, and you will find that people will gravitate towards you. People will want to be around you, people will want to connect with you. And it's not about being self righteous, and it's not about being right,

and it's not about avoiding being wrong. It's about being you and knowing that you're going to fuck up, knowing that you will get things wrong, knowing that you will have beliefs and attitudes and opinions that over time will be proven to be incorrect or flawed. And it's okay. And guess what, when you get something wrong, you go, hey, got it wrong. Now no better, I'm going to do better. And if I ever heard anyone because I expressed something that was you know, dogmatic or over the top assertive

or which I have done, I'm sorry. The end, I'm sorry, not like oh I did it, but these are the I just did it, and I'm sorry. And I think you know, for us to be the person like we hold things like open mindedness and empathy and kindness and collaboration and communication. We hold these things in such high regards socially when we're talking or when we're thinking out loud, when we're doing podcasts. Oh yeah, you know. I'm open minded, I'm humble, I'm self aware, I'm We fucking love saying

all this stuff about ourselves. But guess what we are so not that we are so not that it sounds good because we want social credits. Of course, I want to be the guy who's humble and self aware and evolved. I want to be that guy. Sometimes I'm that guy for ten minutes. Sometimes I'm not, and sometimes I'm a prick, and sometimes I'm not, And sometimes so are you, and you know that you're not trying to be that. Are

you a bad person? I don't think, if you're listening to this and listening to me, that you're a bad person. I think that you do dumb shit sometimes. I think that you make mistakes. I think that you get things wrong. I also think you have amazing within you. I also think you probably have vast potential that you haven't accessed yet. I also believe that you have probably possibilities that you haven't even thought about yet. This is not about where good,

we're bad, we're brilliant, we're broken. This is all about we're fucking human. We don't need to be right. You don't need to be right. Steps down off soapbox. You know what. I was going to open the door on ten questions and answers around this stuff that I've prepared, and I feel like I feel like not doing that today.

I feel like maybe doing that another day. But you know, one of the challenges for me as a coach and a podcaster, you know, and a researcher and a bloke who has I think a little bit of knowledge and maybe something to offer in the world. I'll let you be the judge of that, is that we live in a little bit of I think we live in a little bit of you know, kind of Disney Unicorn b or. You can be You're amazing, You're fucking incredible. You know

everyone else is wrong, You're right. You know you're the victim. There the this there that you know and of course you know that is real in that you know there are times when, of course we're the victim, and of course there are real problems. And I would never discount that. But also, you know, away from all the rah rah and the self help fairy floss and platitudes and you know kind of memes. Away from that, there's this real deep work to be done. There's this thinking to be done.

There's this self reflection to open the door onto pull back the curtain for you to understand you, for you to understand where does my programming and conditioning finish? And where do I start? Like hootherfucker's Craig Harper beyond his Catholic school upbringing and the work that he's done and the brand that he thinks he has and his genetics and he's fucking his propensity to say, fucking kunt And who is Craig Harper beyond his ego and his bullshit?

And when we take away all the stuff that I'm not, what's left? What's left? Like? Who am I at my core? And why do I behave the way that I do? Why do I think the way that I do? And I'm not saying my behavior or your behavior is all bad or it needs to be changed. Same with your thinking, same with your ideas and your beliefs, same with your operating system for your life. But rather than rather than

just assuming what we think is right. What I do is right, my beliefs are right, my religion is right. The way that I do this and that is right. And therefore if you don't do it like me, or you don't think like me, you are wrong. And so therefore we need to be enemies. We need to argue online. I'm going to just jump on. I'm going to say the worst, hurtful, hateful shit, and in some on some

weird level, I think I'm doing the right thing. And you know, one of my favorite sayings is that all that's necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. So we could make that more current and say good people to do nothing, good men and women to do nothing. But you know, here's the thing. It's like screaming at each other online, abusing people, insulting people, running people down, being self righteous, pointing fingers, spitting venom,

being hateful. This is not doing something. This is not positive, This is not constructive, This is not helpful. This is emotional, This is frustrated, This is fear based, This is unhealthy fucking bullshit that everyone is or a lot of people are participating in right now. All the while thinking that everyone who doesn't think like them is wrong, all the while thinking that they are right. We are so often not.

If we really want to be humble and aware, an open minded, an objective I believe we need to start on the assumption that I could be wrong. And for many people that thought I could be wrong, it's fucking terrifying. But guess what, you're going to be wrong. I'm going to be wrong. You're also going to be right. You're also going to be brilliant. You're also going to be scared,

You're also going to be brave. But all of us are trying to navigate this complex thing that we call life while all the while being beautiful and ugly, broken and amazing, terrified and courageous and ultimately human,