Good a Groovers.
Do you ever think about why you think the way you think, where your thinking comes from, how much of your thinking is actually yours?
You know that saying? What is the saying?
Is it like we become or we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with. It's interesting because there's not there's no real science to that, but there's some science that supports the idea very strongly, of course, that we kind of adopt the thinking or are heavily influenced by the thinking and behaving and beliefs and values and habits and lifestyle of people that we live with or hang out with, or socialize with, or
know or trust or respect or look up to. So very much there is a social influence that impacts how we are. Social influence is powerful. We are at the very least influenced by the beliefs and behaviors and habits
and thinking standards values of the people around us. So it's good to be mindful of this because sometimes we think where we are thinking critically when we're not really thinking critically or objectively or independently, where thinking through the filter of our programming without even being aware of the programming so we're starting with and by the way, this is everyone, this is me too. So this is not something we're going to fix or solve or resolve on
today's show. We're just talking about it as we always do. But I think the beginning of the beginning of being able to think critically and clearly and independently of the programming and the influencers, and the church and the sinner and the culture and the habit and the environment, the media and the social media and all of those things and people and factors that influence how you and I think the beginning is to go, well, fuck my thinking.
We probably don't have to say the well fuck, but you could probably just start after that is really really impacted, influenced, if not in some ways almost determined by who I pay attention to, who I listen to, who I trust, who I think is right, because invariably we kind of often adopt and adapt the thinking of others because we look up to them and we think they're clever or we think they're right, and we kind of want to
be like them. So how better could we be like them than kind of adapt and adopt their thinking and their behaviors. Right, we look up to people. We think highly of them, we think they're cool, we think they are good people. And of course, and this includes me, this is all of us. We are influenced somewhere between a little bit and a great big bit in terms of how we then do life. We do life, so we very often can, in a social way and an experiential way and a practical way, become a version of
someone else. And I guess that begs the question, is that terrible? My instinctive feeling is like, yes, that's fucking terrible.
But I guess it.
Depends on the outcome, doesn't it. If you kind of look up to your mum and your mum's great, your mum does ABC and D, and then you go, fuck, I'm doing all of that, and I'm and mum's pretty functional and operational and happy, and so are you?
Then who am I to go? Then you should stop that.
But I think there's something to be said, definitely something to be said for starting to think about how we think and why we think the way that we do, because which of course has metacognition thinking about thinking, but so much of so much of our life where we're just plowing through days, situations, conversations and counters, interactions, experiences
with kind of almost blinders on, so to speak. We just think how we think, and we don't even question whether or not how we're thinking in this moment is actually serving us or sabotaging us.
Is the way that I.
Think in this moment, helping or hindering this conversation, this problem solving session, this conflict resolution session, this meeting, this thing that I'm in the middle of with another person is my worldview, my thinking. The way that I look at this stuff, the way that I'm dissecting and processing and be meaning to this moment in time with this person or these people, Is that a positive or a negative?
And if we're really brave and honest, sometimes the way that we look at things sometimes, the way that we think, sometimes, the way that we communicate sometimes, the way that we make decisions, sometimes, the way that we do All of that stuff which starts with a thought is problematic. And so again we default to self awareness, not self loathing, and we say, all right, well, what can I do
about that? How can I get better? So we are around people who, of course have their own beliefs and values and ideas, and I think the challenge in the middle of that is to be able to listen to.
Not everyone.
We can't listen everyone, but listen to the people that you think are worth listening to. Pay attention, you know, like consider what they're saying, Like with this podcast, don't believe everything I say because you know some of you
may like me or think I mildly interesting. Perhaps consider what I'm saying and then think about whether or not it's worth opening the door on the thoughts and ideas and advice that I might present over the next thirty minutes or so, and then go do your own research. So look like he's a really fundamental question. Does my thinking empower me or disempower me? For the most part, is it catapulting me forward? Or is it holding me back?
Is the contents of my mind? Are the contents of my mind more of a positive or more of a negative on average? Again, self awareness, And if the answer is like, my mind is getting in the way, Sometimes my thoughts are getting in the way. Sometimes I am self sabotaging. I am wasting potential and time and energy. I am obsessing about shit that I can't change, certain beliefs that I didn't even choose I've got certain ways of thinking and looking at the world that I didn't choose.
I just think like this because Dad thinks like this, or that dude that I love thinks like this, or this person.
That I respect. I didn't actually choose this myself.
This is just an an emotional contagion. This is social osmosis, where I've been around certain people who think and feel and communicate and behave and live a certain way, and now I'm a version of them. And like I said to you, if the byproduct of that is positive, probably don't need to worry.
But there is.
Definitely something to be said for becoming aware of your own programming, your own conditioning, the influence that others have had on you. And in this moment in time, as you, as I say this, for me, as you listen to this, for you to think about, why do I think the way that I do and.
Is it working?
So back to the original question or statement, is that we become the average of the five people we spend the most time with. I think the bottom line is that that's not literally true. It's interesting though, and it's generally I think generally somewhat true. You will see things in me that are a reflection of the five people or ten people or you know. However, many people that I respect or I look up to, or I love, or that are important to me, you will see things
which in me are an expression of them. But it's not true that you know you are a numerical average of you know, your friends, I qus incomes traits, behavior's mindset. That's not literally true. And also, of course some people resist peer influence more than others. You know, personality, self awareness, and values matter. Some people are really are naturally I think more critical thinkers and question things and push back.
I think even though I in my life have many times succumbed to I call it the enormity of conformity, where I've stepped into line where it's not my proudest moment, but times when I've really kind of compromised myself because I thought I wanted to belong to a certain group.
Without going into it.
But eventually, even within the context of that group or those groups that I belong to, at times I would get in inverted commas in trouble because I would question the group think. I would not agree with an idea, I would not agree with an attitude or a belief,
or at the very least I would question that. Now, remember that the price of membership to a lot of groups is that you believe what we believe, you think, what you think, you behave how we behave you conform, and to belong to this group, you can't have other beliefs. You have to have these beliefs. You can't think unless you unless you're independent thinking happens to align with the group thinking. Well, then that's cool, that's tickety boo, that's fine,
big tick for you. But if your independent thinking doesn't align with the group thinking, with the mantra, with the mission, with the ideology or theology or philosophy or whatever the group is, well then you can't belong because your membership to that group is dependent on you not disagreeing. It's dependent on you not thinking individually, independently or critically unless
that critical thought aligns with the group thought. And not only can you not think for yourself unless we're happy with it, of course, unless we the group are happy with your independent thinking or it meets certain criteria. Not only can you not we will then make you feel bad and guilty and less than and potentially scared because there is a very real nudge, nudge, wink wink price to pay for not thinking like we think and for pushing back and questioning. Here's the fucking kicker, the truth
because our group, fuck all the other groups. Our group has the truth. I'm not just talking about religion, think, I'm just talking about religon.
Oh no.
There are so many groups which basically are cults. They are thought cults where they try to control people. And why do they want to control people? Why do they want to manipulate people, you know, with all of this fear based ideology in philosophy and theology, because it's in their interest to have people scared, it's in their interest to have people fully committed, because we can only grow if we can control and manipulate people. And as you probably are becoming aware, I farcking hate this.
Now.
Does that to say all groups are bad?
Of course not.
There are some great groups. There are some great groups. But the best groups are the groups where we're not living in an echo chamber. We don't all have to think identically, we don't all have to conform to a certain paradigm or philosophy of thought. We don't all have to We might actually have quite divergent thinking and ideas and lifestyles and behaviors. There's probably some commonality, like we don't do horrible shit and we don't hurt people. Maybe
we operate in love as much as we can. But there can be a broad cross section of ideas and beliefs and philosophies and ideologies even within the same group, if it's not one of the aforementioned groups.
So, in other words, if it's the right kind of group.
Now, I know I've spoken about this many times when I talk about our programming, but I just think it's important to revisit again. And why Because because we've all been programmed or influenced.
As to how we.
Think and how we live and how we behave and what we eat, and whether or not we exercise, and who we hang out with and why we hang out with them, and whether or not we believe in God or multiple gods or this God or that God, or most of that kind of internal reality is a byproduct of who we've been around, or what we've seen or what we've been exposed to, And at the very least it's a byproduct of influence, if not control and manipulation in some cases, So the really big challenge, as I
see it again, this is just me thinking out loud. If you think it's bullshit, ignore me, turn off right now, and I'll see you. I'll never see you next time.
All good.
But as I see it, and this is someone who grew up in a very specific school or echo chamber of thought, the challenge for us is to recognize the gap between what is happening or what is true, what is objectively true, and what we think is true. So even in a practical sense, out in the world when things are going on, so the gap between the thing that's going on, the event, the circumstances, situation, what the person's saying, and my story, my story about that thing,
because the thing and my story are quite different. One is a stimulus. One is a response. So something goes on in the world, I tell myself a story, and my story might be, Oh, that guy is a bad guy because that guy is in the wrong religion, or that guy does this or does that, or looks a certain way or dresses a certain way that doesn't fit into my version or my story of how he or she should dress or live, or worship or eat or
behave or interaction act or marry or not marry. It doesn't fit in with my story of what is right. So I'm not just observing something. I'm telling myself about the something that I'm observing. And so in the middle of that is a story. Now consciousness awareness is me and you being able to recognize the thing or there's a person on the other side.
Of the street.
That's the thing, that's just that's the recognition, and then the story is what I tell myself about that person on the other side of the street. Now, awareness and opening the door on consciousness and critical thinking is being able to recognize the gap between the objective reality of the person on the other side of the street and your subsequent story about it. That's awareness, that's step one. That's consciousness. That's opening a door to a different level of thinking and experiencing.
And so for us as we move through the world, as we move through.
Days, is to be able to in the moment, which is really hard because this is like level nine self awareness, which is difficult, is to be able to recognize, oh, I reacted that way, or I think this way, or I'm processing this experience this way, or in fact, I'm even having this experience because of how I think, and how I think is because of my programming. Now, programming is not bad. Programming is part of the human experience.
But it's recognizing what are the components or what of my programming, which you know came via my education and my parents and my friends and where I grew up and how I grew up and what I did and who I hung out with. That's all programming, that's all influence. What of that is really working for me? And what has become a problem for me? What is a limitation?
How does the way that I see the world, How does the way that I think, How does the way that I process life and do life as a result of that programming?
How does that affect me?
Now?
For good and for bad?
Personally, I always have to be aware that I'm looking through the Craig window, and the Craig window sometimes is a fucked up window. Sometimes the Craig window is not a great window. Sometimes I'm looking at something through a lens that is not particularly uplifting or empowering or positive. Sometimes that is what's going on for me, and I'm sure that's going on for you sometimes. But here's what not to do. When you're doing that, don't beat yourself up,
done self loath. Guess what that jeeves fuck all, Well, that's not true. What it achieves is you putting yourself in a worse place emotionally and psychologically. So what I do is, or what I try to do is and I tend to most of the time these days, when I'm looking through that shit window or that shit filter and I'm telling myself of stories or a story of doom and gloom, I try to catch myself in the moment and go, oh, listen to me.
I can Debbie Downer.
Shout out to Debbie, I don't know why people say that, or Dave Downer or Craig Downer. Let's go with Craig Downer, and to realize what I am doing and then try to And this is like, this is one of the tough things.
I was saying this to Tiff the other day.
One of the hardest things about, truly about personal growth is in the middle of the shit, to be able to lean into the lessons and the wisdom and the truth and in that moment when you want to tell someone or something to fuck off, is to then to be able to self manage self regulate, be self aware. It's easy to apply all this stuff when life's good and the day's good and the winds at our back and it's sunny and shit's great.
But that's not really where we learn and grow and evolve.
The tough thing is, you know, when I'm in the middle of something and I want to be right.
That's another thing too.
How attached are we to our thinking and our beliefs and our version of truth, our version of what is real. We are super attached to that. And so when you come into the picture and then you come in with a dialogue or a version that is not like my version, your story ain't my story, Well that means either one of us is wrong or both of us are wrong. But either way, I don't be the one that's wrong.
So you can fuck off. Because my identity and my happiness and my calm and the way that I manage my fear is I tell myself I'm right.
But guess what. Let's be honest.
I'm wrong a lot, You're wrong a lot. How many times in your life have you thought something that was untrue? How many times have you had an idea that turned out to be fucking stupid. I'm thinking, unless you're super special a lot. And so to move through life assuming that I am right, Assuming that no matter whatever situation or argument or confrontation or whatever it is that I'm in the middle of, they're wrong, I'm right. Bibbity bobby boo.
That's great for my ego, great for my self esteem, great for you know, my personal comfort because I couldn't possibly be wrong. That's too fucking terrifying for me because I can't cope. So therefore I'm always right, which again that's me building my own emotional and psychological prison. And of course I can't be right, of course, so fuck up. Of course I get things wrong. But you know what's actually liberating is going I got it wrong, not justify, justify, rationalized, justify, explained.
Oh yeah, A fuck all that, just go I.
Got it wrong. I'm sorry, I will do better. I'll do better.
I would assume most days, if not all days, every day I get something wrong. I might not even be aware of it on the same day. I might learn a month later, or a week later, a day or a year later that I was wrong. But I am
sure that I get things wrong every single day. In fact, I might have done something or said something on this podcast, even in the last twenty minutes or so, which is wrong, which is flawed, which is less than optimal, which is not You know, I'm always second guessing myself, even right now. I could, I could right now second guess about fuck? Has this been any good? Should I start again? Have I explained myself? Is this confusing? Could I have done
this better? The answer is, of course I could have done this better. Virtually everything I do I could have done better. But could I have done it worse? Or it could have been a complete shitfest? It could have been indecipherable garbage. I don't think it's that.
It could be that. You'll let me know.
So all right, let's try to end on something constructive. So how there's no three step plan? But how can we potentially change the way that we think or become more aware of our thinking and more conscious so that we can start to truly think as much as it is possible, critically and independently of you know, the echo chamber that we've lived in for much of our life.
So I think a big part of.
It is to be open, truly open, And this takes courage guts, humility to the idea that our thinking quite often is somewhere between limited and somewhat flaw. Somewhat flawed, I should say two completely false, completely incorrect. Sometimes I'll say something and it's it's you know, it's like, is it accurate to say that we become the average of
the five person people we spend the most time with. No, it's not accurate, but there's some truth in it, Like it's it's a limited perspective, but there's some insight in some truth. And what it's really saying is that the people we spend time around, they influence us the way that we think and behave.
And move through the world all of that.
So yeah, it's but is it totally categorically accurate five people, not four, not six, and that we are the average numerically and statistically. No, it's not true, right, but it's also neither is it complete bullshit? But there have been times in my life where I've had to own up and step up and say I thought this, but.
I was completely wrong. I was completely wrong. I got it wrong. I had to do a one eighty.
And for those of you who know me, well, you probably guess I'm going to say the food pyramid just because it's an easy example. Whereas I not only did I believe that the food pyramid was great science, which it turned out to be anything but great science. Not only did I think that, I also taught that to my clients and my students and other people. And so I was telling I was sharing a thought, an idea, a belief that I held, which, as it turns out wrong.
So you go, okay, got it wrong. I didn't want to get it wrong.
Wasn't trying to upset anyone, wasn't trying to mislead anyone.
But did I mislead people? Did I give out information that was incorrect?
Did I get it wrong?
Sure? Did the end see that I got it wrong? The end not?
Ah? But ah, but I could rationalize why I got it wrong.
It doesn't matter. I got it wrong.
So now I'll learn better, I'll do better. Will I get things wrong moving forward?
Of course?
The only way I want is if I don't do anything, say anything, be anything to anyone, don't do a podcast, don't talk, don't think out loud, don't fucking try anything. That's the only way you get nothing wrong. And by the way, that doesn't work either, You're still going to fuck up because you've got to do something right. So what we do is we do the best that we can, knowing that we will fuck up. We think the way we think, knowing that our thinking will be flawed at times.
And I think also a really important idea, if not experiential practice, is to expose ourselves to different stuff out of the new echo chamber. Do something, you know how people say, Oh, that's not me. Oh gyms aren't me? You know, I couldn't. That's not a me thing. I'm just not I'm not saying go to the gym. I'm not saying anything in particular, but I'm saying, expose yourself to new experiences, new places, new people, new cultures, new information,
new books, maybe even new podcasts. Who knows, like different ideas, different insights, different research. Like I'm changing my mind or at least modifying my thinking about things almost every day. If not unlearning, I'm just adding to my learning where I'm thinking I didn't.
How am I just hearing this now? I'm one hundred years old. How the fuck am I just finding this out now? But I'm glad I did all right? Team I may be waffling.
So I want you to think about your thinking and whether or not you're thinking, is actually you're thinking, or someone else's thinking that you're just thinking with me