#1831 The Self-Help Messages I Hate - Harps

Or the shadow side of self help? I think I caught it or something like that, and we explored the idea that, you know, not all self help is particularly helpful or insightful or accurate or vaguely fucking scientific. A lot of it is a bit mystical, magical thinking unicorns and puppies, and hey, look over here and buy my program, buy my whatever right now. Not saying all self help personal development is bad. Course, that's the habitat that I

periodically in habit. I guess I'd like to think of myself more as somebody who's a little bit more research focused and a little bit more in the scientific and academic and legitimate human behavior space than the meme guy. And even though I post a lot of shit, I think most of my shits, I feel like I'm being defensive. Now I've just had a moment of self awareness. Am I let me think about that? Maybe I am don't

mean to be, But so what's my point? My point is I try very hard to post stuff that I believe is critically thought through, is real, is true, is genuinely helpful or potentially helpful. I'm not interested in sharing stuff with the world that is feel goods, pseudo scientific fluff. Having said that, sometimes I'll post things that are just silly, not at all helpful. But my goal is just to fucking make someone laugh or smile, and I think that's okay.

As well. With yesterday's feedback and momentum that was created, I had a few people reach out and go that was interesting and wanted to know, what are some of the things that you were What are some of those ideas or core messages or common kind of themes that you have an issue with? And I went, they are good questions, so I'm going to share some of these. Are some of these I actually have taken from specific sites.

I won't say the name of the sites or the pages because because I don't want to so fucking they're so buck and there. I don't want to, and it's my podcast, so I'm not going to. And I of course I don't want to run people down, and I don't think there's any point. I think we're We're not trying to throw anyone under the bus. We're just trying to think critically about things that people say and whether or not those things that people say are valuable and helpful to us, us who want to do life well.

The first thing, now this is not this the first one about to share, which is you need to find your purpose, which is a very or. We all have a purpose. What's your purpose? You know? I've discovered my purpose. The problem with the or, my or it is that they're all kind of singular, right, And I think the thinking. I like the idea of this, but I think we need to go a little bit deeper. And I think the problem is that it is suggesting that we have a one singular purpose. What if we don't, What if

we have lots of different purposes. I don't think my only purpose is to love my mum and dad, keep them safe, look after them, protect them, and be an awesome son, although I do believe that's part of my purpose. That's one of my purposes. What's the plural of purposes? I feel like it should be per pie is purpose is poor pie? Anyway? Anyway? See what I mean? Must try harder in class. But I feel like a lot of us not only do we have more than a single purpose. Right, one of my My purpose might be

what I just said. It might also be to be a lifelong learner. It might also be to be of service and value to you people that a lot of people that I have haven't met. It might be to to what else might be to be a lifelong learner. It might be to make people laugh. It doesn't I don't think. I don't think that our purpose or our purposes need to be necessarily groundbreaking, world expanding, life changing

mega constructs at all at all? And also, your honor, while I'm pleading my case, what's to say that my purpose when I'm twenty five, which was thirty six years ago, is my purpose at sixty one? Why does it need to be the same? And so I think that our purpose or in other words, our reason for being, or the thing that we want to do be create, or influence or represent whatever whatever, Right, even the two purpose

like what does that mean? It means different things to different people, like what's the purpose of a fucking screwdriver? To what's a screw screws? I guess I'm not sure why I use that as a but what's your purpose? I don't think it's a single thing, right, I don't think mine is a single thing. And I think that this idea that you need to have a single purpose can be restrictive, It can be frustrating, it can be derailing and limiting. And perhaps I think, I think again,

this is don't believe this because I think this. Put this under the you microscope, or put it up on the old hoist, walk around, kick the tires, see what you think. But I think a better idea than finding your purpose your single purpose, is to find your values, the things that matter to you, like the things that

are really important. And then when you figure out the things that are important to you, like whatever they are, whether or not that's growing and learning or love or health or connecting with other humans or the environment or nature, or raising a family or building wealth or by the way, there's no judgment in any of this. Nothing wrong with being widely ambitious and wanting to be a billionaire. Let's not be judging, judge stuff. Not everything's got to be about,

you know, planting trees and saving the animals. They're good things. But people's values are people's values. So what are your values? And then if you can build an operating system and a life around that, a way of being and doing, then you'll probably find in the middle of all of

that your purpose or purposes emerge as a byproduct. Well, fuck, this is good as a byproduct, he says humbly, as a byproduct, Finish your fuck and see as a byproduct of finding your values and building an existence around those. All right, So that's number one, that took forever. Number two You can do anything you set your mind too. Sure, can't the end. Next, No, let's expand. It's a nice thought, and I think a better meme, but probably would gain

less traction and be less popular. Let's be honest, because the idea, the idea, the notion that you can do anything you set your mind to. That's fucking amazing. Oh yeah, let's hug it all out. Let's shake our hands, let's shake our jazz hands, because you can do fucking anything. Oh you can't, you can't. You can't run one hundred meters in nine seconds. You can't become a billionaire by next week. We can't all be president or Prime minister.

We can't all be oscar winners. We can't get up on the house and just top of the house and just fly across to the next house using our arms because we're pretending we're a fucking bird. Can't do that. We can't all heal ourselves instantly, We can't all So there are so many things that we can't do. But I think the better message is there's probably a lot of things that you can do that you don't think you can. There are probably many things that you have

the potential to do that you're not currently doing. Can you do anything? No? Can you probably do a lot more than you're currently doing. Can you be more than you are currently Can you create more? Can you ask better questions, produce better outcomes? Find more joy, find more happiness? These are good questions to lean into the problem with one of the many problems with you can do anything?

Is it? Well? Obviously one you can't, but two when you tell, for example, a young child who doesn't have the athletic ability to become an olympian that they can become an Olympic sprinter just because you want them to when they want to. What happens when they don't become an Olympic sprinter? What happens when you tell when you tell that child that they have an amazing, beautiful voice, when they don't beautiful to you. I understand that beautiful

in the sense that it's a child singing. That's beautiful. But if you had got little fat Craig Harper at seven singing, you would have fucking run out of the house with your fingers in your ears because great to hear him singing, But he can't sing for shit. So when you tell little fat seven year old Craig Harper, wow, you could be a world bloody renowned, famous musical star or singer, that doesn't help me because that isn't true because I don't have the innate potential. If somebody has

the innate potential and talent, that's a different thing. But also even if they do, keep this in mind, even if they do have the raw potential to be a superstar, there are a lot of other variables, of course, which may preclude them from becoming that superstar. So yes, you can you can do more things. You can probably be more than you imagine. But we also need to be realistic and practical so that we are not setting people up for delusion or disappointment or frustration or sadness or worse.

So to those people in your world, encourage them, support them, help them develop and grow and learn be that person. But also it is important that in the middle of all the motivation and inspiration that were also being realistic and practical. Next one number three my least favorite self help messages I'm sharing today. Number three stand by ah. This is what happens when you're an only child, right. Number three, Things will work themselves out. It's all right, love,

things will work themselves out. It's okay. Things will work themselves out. Oh you know what, things will work themselves It's not. They won't sometimes maybe sometimes maybe things just end up a way that works for us. But when we say things like external variables will work themselves out, we're saying that like there is some kind of conscious process on behalf of the aforementioned things to work out in a way that is good for you. Well, that

is bullshit. That is not true. Sometimes things will somehow end up in a way where it's for your benefits. But there are also sometimes things work out to be a fucking catastrophe. And you know that, sometimes things work out to be a fucking major problem or barrier or hurdle on planet You so too, And what we do when we tell people or we tell ourselves that things will work out, we're kind of saying, I don't need

to do anything. You don't need to get involved, you don't need to solve the problem, you don't need to do anything hard, you don't need to take responsibility or accountability, because things will work themselves out. Again, sounds great, doesn't it? Very comforting, makes us feel good, But it's that, Hey, you don't have to get off the couch thinking you don't have to, you don't have to work. It will

just you know. Also, by the way, if the universe wants it for you, oh fuck, don't get me started on the universe and the universe, because the universe cares about you and you fucking saw back anyway. Um, not true, not true. So we need to work things out, and sometimes things will fall in our lap fortuitously. Sometimes things will work out in that sense for the better, which

is great, But that's not something. Relying on the fact that things will work themselves out is a terrible strategy if you want to be successful, if you want to build resilience, if you want to have a great body and health and relationships and career and financial success, and your kind of underlying thinking or your overarching strategy is things will work themselves out. Will batten down the hatches

because you're going to be fucking sad and disappointed. Then number three, number four, and this is almost sounds quite on Craig Harpery. So the message is nothing good happens when you're comfortable. That almost sounds like something I would say, nothing good happens when you're comfortable. Well, I think also that's bullshit. Having said that, I'm a fan of periodic and strategic and well thought through discomfort. I'm a big

fan of that. Because when we choose to do the hard thing, to lift the weight, to go for the run, to take the financial risk, to have the hard conversation, to get vulnerable, to get out of our little box, to step out of and away from the safety net, and all of those metaphors, that is quite often, not always, but that is quite often the time when we increase resilience and strength and awareness, and we learn more about ourselves.

So there's definitely value in discomfort. But to say that nothing good happens when we're comfortable, well that's fucking ridiculous because comfort is awesome. Comfort is great me lying on the bed watching Netflix. To say that nothing good comes from that, well that's bullshit, because I'm happy as fuck, I'm having a good time. My body is relaxed, my mind's relaxed, I'm not overthinking, I'm not stressed, I'm not anxious.

You know, that's kind of bullshit. So good things happen when we're comfortable, and good things happen when we're uncomfortable. It doesn't need to be one or the other all of the time. It's a balance between strategic discomfort, which is hopefully going to lead to some kind of growth of evolution, development, gain success, and also being able to like, we don't want to be all of that. We don't want to the driven super psycho, fucking nose to the grindstone,

you know, win at all costs. You know, if you're not uncomfortable, then you're not bragging whatever. I mean, that's ridiculous. So some discomfort some of the time, not all of the time. Some comfort some of the time, not all of the time. It's about getting the balance. The balance. Now, now I'm going to do one or two that have been Actually I was gonna I'm not even gonna say I've got the people who said these, But this is a famous ish quote. Well, it came up as a

meme on my thing. I don't even know the person that it was credited to, but this is what it said. The minute you decide you want better for yourself is the minute the entire universe begins to shift in your favor. What a fucking load of garbage. Really, Show me one bit of evidence that that is real? Show me anything to say that the minute that I decide, what about the kid living in the congo, who's five, who's got malaria, who's drink and dirty water, who lives in abject poverty,

whose life is a constant struggle. Are you telling me that all that kid needs to do is just decide

they want better? See? This kind of stuff, for me, is problematic, This complete bullshit that people buy into and believe, where they are actually taking away personal sovereignty and personal power from people, where and by the way, that little example of that five year old child, I had a guy called Justin wren On, who is a beautiful human being who builds wells for fresh water for children and families in the Congo, in fact, for the Pigmies, tribes of Pigmies who live in the Congo. And so I'm

saying that with some insight, I'm giving that example. And so this kind of you know, bullshit that there are a lot of people in the world just wanting better for themselves doesn't help them because there are circumstances way beyond their fucking control. And this magical thinking that people talk about, not only is it completely untrue, but it's also it's also an insult. It's an insult to people who are living in circumstances and situations that are beyond

their control. So fuck that thinking. Number six. Positivity is a choice. Oh my god, Oh my god. The happiness of your life. This is part two. The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts. Ah nah, look is there something in that year Kinder? Of course, what's going on in our mind has an emotional and physiological impact and sociological impact. But you've got to remember that thinking happens despite us, despite as well as because

of us, so can we. So to say positivity is a choice is an extremely inaccurate simplification of a multi dimensional, multi layered thing, Because positivity, you know, outlook how someone sees the world or situations, or themselves, or the past or the present of the future. This is not just a choice. Positivity is no, it's not. No, it's not. There are many factors environment, situations, circumstance, finances are a biology, a genetics, sociology, who we hang around, what we focus on,

what we pay attention to. There are a myriad of variables which impact how positive we are or how negative we are. So to just wheel out this little simple cliche positivity is a choice, There you go, Brian, all the best, just choose positive again. This is unhelpful, destructive, misleading bullshit that doesn't help people's lives. What is better is to say, listen, Brian, to an extent, you can

manage your thoughts with work and insight and awareness. And in fact, there's this thing called metacognition where we start to think about how we think and why we think the way that we think, and we start to understand our own programming and conditioning and socialization and maybe even try to understand our genetics when we look at our

mom and dad and grandma and grandpa. And then we start to be a little bit more a scientific and big picture around this very complicated challenge, which is managing our mind and managing our thoughts and managing our level of positivity. So there is definitely a relationship between thoughts and emotions and physiology and one's positivity or negative. There's definite relationship, definitely, But the idea that we can just

choose positivity again ridiculous. Now the next one, I've never heard it before, but I literally read it this week and it's accredited to You might do a search and see if you find the same thing. It's accredited to a very famous actor, A Block, a very very famous actor whom I quite like as an actor. But I don't know that he said it. I just saw this quote with his name quoted underneath the quote, and the

quote is, HM, he's fucking hilarious. This one. A man with no friends or a very small circle is a very very secure man. A man with no friends or a very small circle, I guess they mean circle of friends. So let me expand it. A man with no friends or a very small circle and brackets of friends is a very very secure man. What the fuck? What that's

fucking ridiculous. I know people with no friends that are super insecure, or very few friends, that are paranoid, that hate their life, that are lonely, that are disconnected, that are anything but secure, anything but happy. The idea that the less friends you've got, the more secure you're going to God, I'm not even going to spend much time on that, but fucking hell. All right, here's another one.

And this is another one that I read. This is stupid, but this one, this had a picture of a dude and it had this meme written over the top or this message written over the top, and it had literally thousands of shares and likes, and I'm like, I don't get it. Here's what it said. Every family needs one unstable person who has no fear and is willing to go to war with whoever messes with their tribe. Oh God, really,

is that what we're doing now? We need to find that one unstable, crazy person who will just fucking do whatever. I don't think, so I don't know that instability is the basis for anything great. I don't know that we'd be recommending it or endorsing it, but nonetheless, that message tens of thousands of likes, thousands of comments, thousands of shares. I think there's a better way. I think there's a better way to deal with things than necessarily. And of

course this is a metaphor here going to war. I think there are a lot of steps, there are a lot of variables around that, and I'm not you know, there are times when I will get elevated if need be, I will, I will, I will be whatever I need to be within reason to resolve certain things. I've been in physical things where people have been threatening or intimidating or hurting people that I care about, And there is a time, you know, it's a last resort. But I

think I've told this story once before. I was out and about with my mum and dad a few years ago now, and somebody who clearly had some issues stepped in front of my mum and grabbed her my mum on the arm because he wanted my mom to give her money, and he was quite forceful, and he literally physically grabbed my mum. So there's a stary and that doesn't mean so great, you just go off like a crazy person and kill him. No, it doesn't mean that

at all. It just means so, that's not a time for me to have a chat to negotiate, That's a time for me to intervene, you know, force with force. I didn't hurt him, but he very quickly got the message. There's a time. But the message that every family needs an unstable person to go to war. I don't think so. I don't think so. All right, what else is on my list? All right? What about this one? Everything happens for a reason. Well, at its core, of course, I

mean that is true. But the the energy or the intention I guess behind this message is that that you know, even bad things happen for reason, a reason like that's that's that was meant to happen to you. There's some kind of cosmic script ensuring that all is going to plan. You needed to have this terrible thing happened to you so that you learned this lesson and that look, I

this could be true. I don't think so. I don't think everything happens for a reason that you needed to have some profound I think, sometimes shit just happens, and the shit happens and we can assign it, meaning we can find that doesn't mean that we can't find a lesson in everything, but to think that everything that happens

to you was somehow cosmically preordained. Again, this is one of those things I could I could find out one day that everything is cosmically preordained and divinely scripted, and I have no fucking idea, but I don't have evidence for that yet. And I think I think sometimes you know, it's like sometimes like I recently spoke to someone who tried something a few times and it failed, and they're like, they're thinking, was this is happening for a reason, It's

just not meant to be. My thinking is, well, maybe you just fucking haven't figured out the right way. Maybe you've had three failures, and we could call those three lessons, well four or five or whatever it was, doesn't matter. But you've got to realize that there's the thing that's going on, there's the thing that happens, situation, circumstance, environment, outcome, external physical, three dimensional world. There's all these things going around us and on around us, and then and then

there's us, then there's us the storyteller. Everything happens for a reason. That's a story. Oh, this is a lesson, that's a story. This is a problem. That's a story. This is good, that's a story. This is bad that

that's a story. And this is ever present, this interaction between event and response, external world, internal world, the thing that happens, your story about the thing that happens, the thing that happens, your story about the thing that happens, and the emotional response to your story, right, and then the impact of the emotional response on you on an operational level. So this whole kind of letting go of I can't control. It's got nothing to do with me.

I'm just a fucking passenger in this life. No, No, you're not a passenger unless you choose to be. You're not a character in the story. You're the fucking story writer. You're the author. You're the captain of the bus that you're on. You're the driver, you're the fucking navigator. You're not some unwilling, unknowing, out of control kind of victim or passenger unless you allow that to happen. Next one,

just be yourself and everything will work out. Again, Nah, Sometimes yourself needs growth, Sometimes yourself needs change and improvement and learning and better toy making. If I'd have stayed myself, in other words, how I was at a point in my life, Oh that's Craig, just being Craig. If I hadn't of recognized my limitations and my bullshit and my ego and all of the psychological, emotional, behavioral and physiological variables that were within my control, that I was letting

ruin my life or part of my life. And if I hadn't recognized that, and I had have relied on the just be you, Craig, and everything will be what it will be, everything will work out, then I never would have done most of the things that I've done

that are kind of cool. And I would have learned the things that I would have built the business, and I wouldn't have had the podcast, and I would have written the books, and I wouldn't have traveled all over the world, and I wouldn't have spoken to thousands of audiences. And I'm not saying I'm great. I'm not great. But what I've done is I've recognized that things don't just work out if I'm just you know, just being me. It's cool, it's cool that I'm me, but I've got

to constantly work on me. I can't just resign myself to no. Well, you know, Mum used to say to me, I hope nobody nobody tell Mum or Dad this. But you know, Ron's not the master communicator. God bless his little socks. But Ron could have it, could have become a better communicator. You know, when you're talking about you know, you know how old guys tend. I'm being very discriminatory there,

but you know how I like Australian men. Older Australian men are not necessarily renowned for their brilliant communication or empathy or emotional awareness. Now I'm generalizing. Don't hate me. There are a lot of exceptions. But Mum used to say, oh, that's just your father. It's just your father. I'm like, yeah, but he's not a dumb guy. Yeah, he could actually have conversations. He could actually learn or grow or evolve. And while that's not up to me, that's up to him.

And I still love him and he's a great dad. But just to say oh, that's how they are again, that's almost to me. That's not that's not necessarily true, because everyone has the potential for becoming a different, improved, more efficient, more effective version of themselves, which is the reason that you're listening to this. Here's another Follow your passion and you'll never work a day in your life. Yeah,

not true. Perhaps if your job and your passion and your purpose whatever that is, intersect, then work won't feel as much like work in inverted commons. But you know, even with my job, and I love my job, and I've said very often that I feel like I've got a cheat code, that it's a bit of a scam, and that you know, like right now, I'm recording a podcast. I'm talking to you about things that I'm passionate about, and it's real and it's all authentic. But at the

same time, I need to do this today. I need to get it done. We need to get it edited. I need to write some copy or I need to write some show notes, I need to come up with a title, and then there's a bunch of other things that I've got to do today. I don't hate any of those things, but there's still the obligation and the commitment of work. So the idea that you'll never kind of experience work again in inverted commas, just because you're

following your passion. There's some truth in that, but they're never going to experience. Yeah, it's not true. Even dreams come, even dream jobs come with hard work and stress and the odd boring component. So it's still a couple more So, I read one that somebody put up which was a sign in a workplace. I think it was a staff room or I'm not sure, but it was a workplace sign and it said good vibes only. Well, you know,

that's kind of toxic positivity. It's a nice intention, it's a nice intention, but the truth is that people have bad days. Now we don't want we don't want a sign that says shit vibes only, of course, and I like the idea, but I think we also need to be practical. Is that negative emotions are not only are they normal, but sometimes they're useful sometimes or often they're unavoidable, and maybe we need let's do our best. But if you're having a shit day, that's okay, maybe we need

maybe we need that sign. You know, it's probably not going to take off, I admit, but I think it's a little bit more practical. So good vibes only in the workplace may be a good intension, maybe toxic positivity, but probably not ultimately helpful. Alright, let's do one more. Let's do let's do the old never give up. There seems some kind of shame in stopping something or giving

up on something. But sometimes depending on what the something is, giving up on an idea or a process, or I think the word or the term giving up or give

up is I think that's the problem. If we replaced never give up with never stop or then you go, well, that's dumb advice, because sometimes we should stop, or sometimes we should quit, or sometimes we should not follow that path anymore or that protocol anymore because it's not working, you know, like sticking with a bad job or a failing business, or a toxic relationship, or a diet that doesn't work, or a training program that's constantly injuring you

or that's not admirable or clever. That's silly. That's silly. There's a difference between giving up just because you know you can't be bothered or it's all too hard or whatever, but and giving up or stopping something because it's actually a smart thing to do. It's the best decision to make. It's the best course of action. And we can be

you know, we can persevere through. You know, we can be relentless and proactive in the middle of the mayhem and the madness and the tough stuff, and we can keep hustling and grinding and working and we'll produce good outcomes. And that's I understand that never give up in that sense. I understand that, But also I understand the well, sometimes this is the right time to give up or to not do this thing. But I guess the ah, what's

the word? What am I looking for? I probably should have thought this through, but I guess it's that that the emotion that can arise from the idea of giving up, because I think we associate the idea of giving up with weakness or an aptitude or lack of courage. And I understand that. But I also think that there are times when the absolute best thing for you to do, In fact, sometimes the most courageous thing for you to

do is to stop doing something. Is to get out of something that's ineffective, unproductive, failing, falling down, toxic, to get the fuck out of there. It's not giving up, it's actually stepping up. I guess that'll do. I guess that I could probably bang on. I could bang on. I've got lots more, but I you know, I think you get the gist. I think you get the gist. I love some of what comes out of the self help,

you know, kind of personal development space. Love some of it because of the some of the memes and some of the messages are just really accurate, insightful, succinct snapshots of a much bigger truth or wisdom. And I think those messages and you need to try to figure out what those are. That is what I try to share. I'm sure I don't always nail it. So there's that. But then at the other end of the spectrum, there's the stuff that's just unhelpful, toxic, psychobabbly magical thinking bullshit

that we need to be aware of and avoid. ALRIGHTY, have a good day, Have a great magical day.