#1773 My Tips For Understanding Others - Harps

our ability to understand other people. And when I say understand people, I just mean that I mean to understand how they think, to understand their behavior, to understand their actions and their reactions, to understand their version of reality, their worldview, why they speak the way they do, perhaps their body language, their psychology, their emotion, their physiology, their sociology. I really want to know how other people work. I want to know how other people work because my job

is helping other people. And if I don't understand how the other person that i'm or the person that I'm talking with works in inverted commas, or I at least don't have some insight into who they are and how they are and why they are the way they are, then how can I help? It's like trying to give somebody a medicine appeal, a powder, a potion, or some kind of medication when you don't know what their ailment is.

So at the very least I need to try to have some insight into who is this person that I'm coaching or mentoring or talking to on the phone or a zoom call, so that I can be of value. And also, obviously beyond work and beyond coaching and just out and about, I'm interested in people. I find human behavior for me it's the most interesting life. The way that the way that brains work and mine's work and by extension people work for me will be I think

it'll be a lifetime obsession. And also in the middle of that, you know, trying to understand me, trying to understand others, but trying to understand myself. And it's very I guess the ever present self awareness challenge is to be able to reflect on my own stuff, for you to be able to reflect on your own stuff, like why do I Craig, Why do I think the way that I do? Why do I say the things that I do the way that I say them, Why do

I respond? Why do I interpret this particular event as a problem you might see the same thing or be in the middle of the same thing and call it a lesson, and somebody else might call it an opportunity, and somebody else might label it as a non event. And all of us have our own way of processing the world, and we do that all day, every day. Depending on which research you look at, they used to say we have about seventy thousand thoughts today. I always

thought that was too many. More recent researches somewhere closer to ten to twenty. But let's just go with the not very scientific figure of a fuck load. Let's say we have a fuck load. We have lots of thoughts. What do we have fourteen hundred and forty minutes in a day? Even if we had ten thoughts a minute, that's fourteen thousand and four hundred. I don't think we're having ten individual thoughts a minute, But anyway, it's in the it's in that. Here's me going off at a tangent.

By the way, interesting how I think, But nonetheless so over the years back, even even when I was an eighteen year old gym instructor on the floor and I was teaching and talking and teaching on a very low level of course teaching people how to do stuff in the gym. My knowledge was average, my skill was average. My competence as a fitness professional was probably less than average, although back in the day it wasn't a high bar,

so maybe it was average. But the bottom line is, from that time nineteen eighty two until today, as I record this the twenty first of January twenty twenty five, I've been learning and will continue to learn about how to talk to people, and how to build rapport with people, and how to create connection, and how to have interpersonal exchanges that are healthy and productive, not toxic and destructive.

Knowing that my ability to be able to understand others is pretty much the most important factor in terms of communication and connection. Like, if I can't really understand or relate to the person in front of me, how on earth can I build rapport if I don't know or I don't at least have some insight into their version of right now. And some people think, especially these days where there's so much fucking hate, and you know, there is so much there's so much polarization and disagreement, and

you know there are so many groups. I'm not speaking about anything in particular, like the moment that you even mention anything, then people jump on one side of the fence. So let's let's not talk about individual groups. Let's just talk about the human group. Let's talk about the group that you and I are in. Let's talk about the group that everyone on the planet is in, and that is the human group. All humans have psychology and physiology, and emotion and sociology. All humans grow up in a

certain paradigm or a certain culture. Some in a certain theology, some not or absence of theology, some men a certain family dynamic good or bad or horrible, or brilliant or amazing. Everybody has some kind of education orbeit formal or informal to some level. Everyone grows up in a particular environment. Everyone has certain influences. Everyone has a myriad of factors and variable genetic and beyond that frame or shape the way that they see the world, in the way that

they see others and see themselves. I know this is kind of long winded. I don't mean it to be, but I look, this is just my view. You might

not agree on. It's okay, But for me, I can't emphasize enough how important it is that if you are a want to be coach or teacher, or manager or leader, or even just a fucking communicator of any kind, that you seek first to understand that you do your best, even if it's to understand bad behavior, even if it's to understand toxic behavior, even if it's to understand all those things that we hate, you know, violence and the like, and bigotry and hatred and all of those things that well,

most of us, you and me, I hope, would love to eradicate from the planet. But we know more than likely we're not going to. And so even when it comes to the horrible stuff, the shitty stuff that we don't want to be exposed to, that we don't want to be part of, that we wish would disappear, even with that, it's in our interest to understand it so

that we can navigate it. It's in our interest so that we can deal with people and problems and issues that are somewhere between a moral and difficult and uncomfortable and unwanted and uncertain right to the end of the spectrum, which we might call pure fucking evil. And sadly that stuff exists. That's part of the world we live in.

So it is crucial for you and me to be able to understand the people that we are going to work with, live with, intersect with, interact with, solve problems with, be part of a team with, be related, to be married to all of those things so that we can do our best. You and I, like, all that's in your control is you, right, all that's in my control

is me. So you and I as individuals need to do our best to control our controllables and understand the reality and the worldview and the behavior and the thinking more of others so that we can in this social,

interpersonal professional space that we can produce good outcomes. So I'm going to give you some points of things that for me have proven to be really valuable ideas, and you'll figure out for yourself what's relevant for you and which of these you think you might want to apply or might want to explore or lean into a little bit. So Number one is pay attention to what they do more than what they say. This is not a new thing.

I've said this multiple times here, but we often get enamored with, or distracted with, or even misinformed by words. Words matter, but not all words are truly representative of what is happening un benderneath the words, and saying something is not the same as being something. I can say all kinds of shit and none of it might be true. I can say all kinds of deflective and misleading things because I want you to believe or think a certain

thing about me. But over time, over time, if you are around me for long enough, you would be able to just pay attention to how I am, how I treat people, what I do, how I eat, how I live, how I work, how I do meetings, how I solve problems, how I stay calm in a crisis, or maybe how

I lose my shit for no particular reason. Over time, if you can observe me and see how I do life, and how I do work, and how I do interactions, and how I do health, and how I do all of the different component of being a human, then you are really going to understand who I am much more, perhaps than just by listening to what could be complete shit coming out of my mouth. Because I'm just trying to form an impression. I'm just trying to get you to think a certain way, So pay attention, listen. I'm

not saying don't listen to people at all. Sometimes those conversations are transformative and brilliant and insightful and incredible. I'm not saying don't do that. I'm saying sometimes what is even more valuable is just to observe, is just to be present, is just to pay attention. Number two is

understand their backstory. Now we can't always do this, but as much as possible, try to get some kind of backstory, some kind of insight, some kind of picture of where this person or these people have been, what they've seen, what they've been part of their programming, their upbringing, their experiences,

their culture, their childhood, their education. For example, if if you were to just talk to my mum and dad, who are eighty five years old, and have a particular conversation with them, you might draw certain conclusions about my dad or my mum which may or may not be indicative of what is really going on. And you might think, oh, gee, Ron's not a big talker, or you might think Mary

is this or Mary's that. And I'm saying this because I actually did this about my own parents for quite a long time, until I was in my mid twenties and even up to my thirties, where I didn't really totally understand my parents because I'd only known my parents through the lens of being a kid. I'd only really understood and experienced my parents, who are two individual adults

like I was. By that, I'd only ever kind of look through the window of I'm their kid, they're my parents, and I had an idea of who they were and how they were, and of course, being the arrogant little fock start that I was, I also thought that, you know, I knew better than them, and that you know, when we're in this situation or having this conversation, they should respond a certain way or I had expectations of who they should be and how they should be, and they

should fit in with my expectations. In other words, they should be more like me. Well, how arrogant, how egotistical, how unrealistic, how unproductive, and how ultimately stupid, you know, not insightful, not clever, none of that. But when I started to understand my mum and dad's backstory, really, when I did a deep dive into learning about what my dad's childhood was like, and I'm not going to go

into it, but it wasn't it wasn't awesome. It wasn't amazing, you know, one of six boys, one of eight in the family, of course, growing up in the Second World War. Born in the first year of the Second World War. Mom mom's mum died giving birth to her. She never had a mum per se. She grew up on a farm, then she was sent to a boarding school. And it's fair to say that compared to my childhood was essentially My childhood was essentially an episode of a fucking Disney sitcom.

Compared to Ron and Mary's experience as children and as teenagers and even as young adults, I grew up in compared to them, And by the way, we were anywhere near rich, not even close, but compared to what mum and dad grew up in, I grew up in relative luxury.

Like my life was a dream compared to their life. Now, before I got that context, and before I did an inventory on myself, and before I started to get a better understanding, and like, to be honest, I didn't even want that understanding at the start, because I just thought I was right. I just saw things through my lens. And when we talk about this challenge of understanding others,

it is a really tricky prospect. It is a really tricky thing to do because we're trying to get understanding of somebody else looking through the window of our understanding.

Does that make sense? I know it's tricky, but just knowing that everybody has their own backstory, their own programming, their own conditioning, and a range of influence and factors and variables that contribute to how they think and how they see the world, that you didn't have all of those variables that you didn't You had your own variables, but you did not have theirs in most instances. Number three is remember we're talking about how to understand others.

Number three is ask great questions, be present, and be genuinely curious as somebody who asks questions for a living and answers questions for a living. But you think about this podcast, you know, obviously every time I have a guest on, my job is to facilitate, hopefully something that is good to listen to for you. And how good an episode of the U Project where there's myself and

a guest, how good that will be. It's dependent on a few things, of course, content and who the guest is and a few other variables, But in part it's dependent on me being able to ask questions that hopefully will elicit some interesting content, information that might be of value to you, and also some kind of curiosity in you the listen. If I can ask questions that you might have asked, then I'm doing a really good job. If I can ask questions that might be relevant to you,

then I'm doing a really good job. And so in order to understand how others are, I am always asking questions that will hopefully give me the most data. So open ended questions. So I'm not going to say to somebody, are you feeling good? I might ask that, but generally that's going to be yep, great or no, that's no. Then maybe we can open that door. But I can say something like, tell me how you feel at the moment, tell me what's going on for you. So there's that

thing that's happened, how do you feel about that? Tell me what's coming up for you, what's happening in your head, what's happening in your heart? Are you all right? Okay? Now,

all of a sudden, we've opened a different door. We've closed the yes no door, and now we're opening the let's get some information and let's see if we can build on this, Let's see if we can understand each other, and let's see if we can move towards some kind of resolution, some kind of understanding, some kind of awareness, some kind of positive strategy. Because I've asked a different question,

I've been present, I've been genuinely curious. My next tip is, and this is hard because we do this unconsciously, and so this is an exercise in self awareness for you also and me of course, is don't see confirmation for your own worldview. So rather than trying to get an answer that suits you or fits your narrative or validates your pre existing beliefs or idea or theology or philosophy or whatever it is, rather than doing that, just be present and just listen. Be open to learning, be open

to even having to change your own thinking. So many times when I have entered into an interaction with somebody thinking I knew something that I actually didn't. Thinking I understood what was going on about a particular problem or topic or issue or challenge. I thought I understood what was going on, But then as I started to ask more questions and I endeavored to understand than the person and their thinking and their backstory, and they're they're in

the moment reality, their version of Now. I realized that I wasn't getting the whole picture. I realized that I was somewhere between a little bit mistaken and completely wrong. And how good is that? How good is it to be wrong and to know that you're wrong and to be okay with getting it wrong? To me, that is a real sign of maturity, That is a real sign of I actually just want to be the best version of me. I really want to evolve and grow and learn.

And if that means I've got to acknowledge all the dumb shit that I get wrong, or all the mistakes that I make, if that means that I've got to unlearn something and relearn something else, because what that means is I'm now more concerned with learning about the truth than i am with being right. If my priority is to be right, then I'm operating in ego, arrogance and insecurity. There's no humility. There, there's no love, there, there's no kindness,

there's no curiosity. I'm being driven by a need to be right, to have my views or ideas, my worldview endorsed or supported, to be validated, and to be honest. This is tough, and this is tough because you and I we don't like being wrong. I don't like being wrong,

but I'm okay with being wrong. And as I get older, I'm more and more okay with being wrong, and I'm more and more okay with saying I'm wrong because me being wrong means I'm now learning something that's closer to the truth, or perhaps more empowering, or perhaps it's been validated. But when I'm in that mindset, when I'm in that worldview of I'm right, then I'm also saying, well, automatically, the person in front of me, if they don't agree with me, then they're wrong. That's not a good way

to understand anyone. That's not a good way to build rapport or connection. And so number my next one is I think number five is assume as little as possible. Again, hard, hard, because you know, we we have preconceptions hardwired into our brain, like and they make us biased before we fucking begin.

Like starting with a blank slate, a metaphoric blank slate or clean slate or a you know, a clean canvas, whatever you want to call it, and letting their words and actions guide your understanding is easy to say, but hard to do. And so you know that there are

we all do this. If you're walking down the street and you see, I don't know, I'm not even going to describe anything, but you see a certain person who looks a certain way or is a certain way, or you know, maybe maybe I won't get in trouble if I say, there's some dude and he seems to be staggering all over the footpath coming towards you, and you might assume, and it's getting towards dusk, and it's a bit dark, and the guy that appears to be drunk

is also quite large, and you know whatever, you might assume. Well, this could be dangerous, you might assume. And by the way, you could be right, or you could be totally wrong. It could be something else that's going on all together. But the truth is that we all have preconceived ideas, and we all have expectations, and we've all had experiences, all of us which shape how we view everything. My next one is pay attention to and this is not a revelation. There's a whole science to this. In fact,

there was God. There was a show called Lie to Me. What was that guy's name cal lightmankel Lightman was the character in the show called Lie to Me. I think it was called that, and it was all about this was based on a real world character who I don't have it in front of me. I'm pretty sure his name was Paul Eckman, who developed this whole science of being able to read facial expressions and body language and micro expressions, and you know, and that's been questioned some

of that science. But anyway, the bottom line is that people's physiology, you know, their body language, the tone of voice, the cadence of their speaking, the micro expressions, the more macro facial expressions. You know, how quickly or slowly someone's breathing, or you know, all of these things that are not actually words. They're still messages, they are still information. They all of those those non word things are still talking

to you, but in a different way. I often sit down with somebody who has heard one hundred or two or five hundred episodes my show, or they've read a book, or they've read multiple books, and they've listened to podcasts and they've seen me at live events. And then I'll sit down with that person and I can tell that that person is uncomfortable or nervous or anxious or you know whatever. Not everyone, of course, but some people, and

they don't need to be. They don't need to say to me, Hey, Craig, I'm uncomfortable, I'm awkward, I'm intimidated, I'm anxious, And not that I want them to be, of course I don't want. But does does anybody ever sit in front of me and tell me without actually telling me that they're uncomfortable or feel awkward? Or they do?

And so then it's in my interest. Then it's in my interest to take that on board and to understand, to try to understand that my experience orbeit comfortable and feeling safe and feeling confident and competent, my experience in this moment at the table with this other human being is definitely not their experience. And so I try to look at this moment or experience this moment through their lens,

through their mindset, through their emotional state. And when I do my best to do that, at the very least, I open the awareness door and the empathy door, and I'm more likely to create connection than disconnection, and engagement than disengagement. So read the nonverbal cues So next suggestion for understanding other people is to try to understand their values and their priorities, like what matters to them? What

matters to them? So what matters to me, has a single bloke who lives a certain life and does certain things practically, what matters to me day to day? Or what my values are or what I focus on or what my to do list looks like, or what I need to manage or you know, what I need to factor in to have a good day. Whatever that means.

That's going to be quite different for most people, because most people are not me, And so in order for me to be able to understand others, it's crucial that I try to have some insight into what are their priorities, Like, what is it that matters to them in this moment? What matters to them in terms of the micro and the macro of their life, time, money, relationships, What is success to them? Like? What is there to do list look like day? In terms of this conversation or this interaction?

What is important? Because the things that really matter to me, they don't matter to lots of other people. And that's not right or wrong or good or bad, And I'm not better or worse, and they're not better or worse.

But I'm not them and they're not me, And so for me to understand how they think and who they are, I also need to know what really matters to people, because when I understand what matters to them, then I can I know how to navigate a conversation, or I know how to create a plan with them, or I know what questions to ask and I know where to go. But if I assume that what matters to me also matters to them, and some of those things might overlapp and be very synergistic, but some of them might be

quite different, quite divergent. That is, you know, what really is important to them as not to me, and even you know, the funny thing about this is also like even what matters to think about what matters to you today in twenty twenty five. Well, as I record this, it's twenty twenty five. Some things that really mattered to you ten years ago might not matter to you so much now because you've changed and your values have changed

and your priorities have changed. And maybe the things that you thought don't matter so much five years ago they matter more now. Or maybe the things that you thought were super important when you were twenty two. Now you're like, why the fuck that I think that mattered at all? Right,

So there's understanding ourselves on that level. But perhaps more importantly in the context of this particular situation, in understanding others is to understand what matters to them, because when you know what matters to them, then you can build that rapport with them. My next idea is to seems almost counterintuitive, but to really try to pay attention to what they're not saying. Sometimes there are obvious holes in the conversation and a few times, in fact, i'll give

you an example. So recently, I was helping a recently young guy in his thirties, and I'd coached him probably about a dozen times, and what I noticed was what I noticed was whenever I got anywhere near talking about his dad, he would he would change the direction of the conversation, or he would be evasive, or he would

be flippant. And I kind of got that that he didn't want to talk about that, which is fine, But I also I also thought that there was something there that was for him, you know, problematic, and this was you know, this was there was some psychological and emotional stuff there that probably not necessarily with me, but at some stage to be at least spoken about or addressed or you know, because there was and there was, there

was stuff going on there. So one day I said to him, and this is not too long ago, I said to him, look, this is what I think I could be. I'm going to say this once and then I'm not going to bring it up again unless you want to bring it up now. He'd never said to me I've had issues with my dad, or I hate my dad, or but it was just an obvious thing

that never was spoken about. When we're talking about all of these variables around his life and his background, his story and his past and future and current story, and you know where he is and how he is and why he is the way he is. And I said, I think there's something there. I think there's a real story there that you are understandably uncomfortable with, and without going too far into it, and I said, if you want to talk about that now, now might be an opportunity.

And I said, and of course you don't have to, and I won't bring it up again if you don't want to, but I might suggest that even though you don't want to, maybe you need to. So that opened the door for a cascade of a waterfall of emotions and words and a couple of hugs from Harps. But it was now, I'm not saying you should always do that or like for me, it was really about timing.

I just thought I built rapport with him and trust with him, and you know, I guess a kind of friendship with him, and I just felt that I was at a point where I could probably say that without pissing him off, and it turned out really well. It doesn't always turn out really well. Sometimes somebody might shut you down because they don't want to, or they're not ready. They may never be ready, and that's okay as well.

But when we're talking about building rapport and connection and trust, when we're talking about working with people and whatever capacity, when we're talking about understanding who they are and how they are, especially for me as a coach or a mentor's and I'm trying to help somebody move through some emotional and psychological barriers, but there's a big thing that

we're not addressing. Then it's in my interest in there's sometimes to be able to for me to be able to read between the lines, for me to be able to listen to what they're not saying, for me to be able to kind of figure out that perhaps there's an important thing here that the door is closed on, and maybe we'll just try and open it a little bit. Alright, it we'll do one more for the moment. I might come back and revisit this topic one day, just because

I think it's really relevant. But my last one is two. Be aware of your own window. That is your version of reality, the window through which you view the world.

The window that is essentially a composition or an accumulation of your beliefs and your experience, and your ideas and your likes and dislikes, and your bias and your assumptions, and your education, and all of the ideas and people and things and experiences that you've been exposed to from you know, when you were born until now listening to this.

They shape who you are and how you are. Of course, your genetic shape that, but the biggest factor in terms of how you think and how you process the world, and how you communicate, and how you see yourself and how you see others, The biggest component of that is really where you've been and what you've seen that is your experiences, relationships in school and media and social media and events, and all of those things are until now.

And so it's really it's difficult to do, but again it's an exercise in self awareness, but is to do our very best, remembering that your reality, the reality that is your thinking and your beliefs and your values and your emotions. Right now as you listen to these words, your reality is subjective. It is only the experience you're having now, in this moment, as you hear these words, the experience you're having will be had by no one

else because it's yours alone. And so when we open the door, and this is a little bit of a headfuck on this idea of an objective reality, a reality bigger than ours, or a high level of awareness or consciousness. And as I've said before, like the beginning of consciousness and opening the consciousness door is recognizing our lack of consciousness, how unaware we are of everything other than our own

thoughts and our own version of reality. But when we sit in front of somebody and we know in that moment that they're not looking through our window, that they don't necessarily share our beliefs or ideas or assumptions that they don't have our worldview, and we're more interested in trying to sneak away from our own window and have a glimpse through their window, then we really open the door on that possibility of understanding. Remember, understanding, not necessarily

agreeing or aligning or even liking, but just understanding. Alright, ey, team, I will leave you with that. I hope you have a good day. Don't forget my mentoring program starts pretty soon. Still got a few spots February three. Soon as I record this anyway, by the time you hear it could be done and dusted. But February three, twenty twenty five, ten week Men Touring program got to Craig Harper dot net. If you feel so inclined to check it out. Enjoy your day,