Hello, team, I hope you're will so put up your hand. If you're a people pleaser, I can see a few hands. Put your hand back up. If that is not working for you, I see all the same hands. Put up your hand. If that's shit for you, I see all the same hands. We'll do it a bit, or we've all done it. Some of us are chronic people pleases, and there was I know, this seems hard to believe that I would ever be a people pleaser, that you would think, No, you would never have been a people
pleaser because you are an outspoken, confrontational, fucking prick. I know I'm not, though, but I can understand why some people might think that. But there were definitely periods, like long periods of my life when I was young and
even more insecure. Hard to believe, I know, but even more insecure, more riddled with doubt, more riddled with trap, self esteem, desperate for a version of love, connection, acceptance, be being wanted, being needed, being valued, being respected, belonging to a group, a social grouper, a work group, any fucking group. The fat only child from Latro Valley. Of course, of course I was a people pleaser. Of course I was a people pleaser. I wanted to keep my dad happy.
You know what's funny too, is when I want to keep my mum happy, but you it's easier to keep happy my dad. Fucking he fuck batman, trying to get that bloke's approval, love him, still love him, but still to this day, thank god, thank god I got over that. Otherwise I'd still be on the old seeking bloody validation and approval from Rondo. And that's an exhausting one, the people pleasing train that goes nowhere, that just goes around in circles and uphills and downhills, and it's just fucking
full of pain. But anyway, so I did that for a very long time, and I looked for approval and validation through trying to keep everyone in my world a little bit in love with me or liking me, or And when I say in love, I don't mean in love. I just meant loving me, like liking me, wanting me to be around. And that insecurity of mind, that disease, I think people pleasing is a disease. It's a disease
of the mind and of the emotions. It's a disease of low self esteem and of insecurity and of self doubt, and of perceived in adequacy and perceived unworthiness, not good enough, itis, all fear based stuff. And I had all of that, and so I was always I was always trying to keep everyone happy. I was trying to keep my clients happy. I was trying to keep my family and friends happy. I was the kind of for a very long time, I was captain compliance whatever, whatever people would need or want,
I'd be that guy that would accommodate. I remember when I first started, So remember I'm sixty. So when I first started personal training and I started training clients, I set up my first center at twenty six, started working in gyms at eighteen as an instructor, and all that stuff which you know. But I actually started one on one coaching or training personal training in nineteen eighty six, the ripe old age of twenty three, and so I was still a baby. I was a big fucking baby,
as in I was physically quite large. But while I was quite developed physically, I was not really super developed emotionally and sociologically and psychologically. Perhaps I was insecure. I never wanted to piss anyone off. I never wanted to rub anyone up the wrong way. I never wanted to be rejected. I never wanted someone to not like me, you know, And even until I would say, this is
a really interesting well I think it's interesting. You might not, but this is a really interesting fact or occurrence, regular occurrence, and see if this resonates with you. So me as a speaker, me as an author, as a kind of a mildly public per you know, I'm always getting feedback. And if I put up a post and I say something, you know, on whatever platform, and twenty five people go yeah,
and then one person goes, you're a fucking idiot. Which out of those twenty six responses, the twenty five positive and the one negative, what do you think has more impact on me and my emotional system the one or the twenty five. Of course it's the fucking one. Because I want to keep that dude that doesn't know me, that doesn't care about me, that doesn't like me. I want him to approve. Not so much these days, but
for a long time in my life. And if I'm being completely transparent and honest here, does it still bother me? It doesn't bothers me a little. But it's a one or two on the one to ten bothering scale that I just invented ten being all the bother I can't sleep, I'm anxious. What the fuck? How can I fix this to ten? On the ones ten by the scale? My current level of bothering or bother with those things tends
to be very low, and I understand it. I've come to accept it, of course, because you have to, because it's an ever present reality. It doesn't matter how hard you try with people, there will always be people that won't like you, won't align with you, will be critical of you, and so on and so on. By the way,
they're not always wrong. I know that's shocking to think, but some of the people over the years that have been critical of me or highlighted flaws or faults or mistakes, some of them were right right of course, of course. So we need to be we need to be open minded in that way to realize that we're not flawless, we're not perfect, we're not always right, of course. But now let's go back to this incessant desire that many of us have. What is that about? What is that about?
Where does that come from? That? So let's see what. Let me put on my specs, so I love doing a little bit of So everything I'm sharing with you is not from the internet. It's not from chat GPT. It's all my experience and my thoughts and insights. But what I'm about to read from you is from chat GPT. I wanted to see just what they said, so I typed in what's people pleasing? And it said, and this is kind of obvious. People pleasing as a behavior pattern.
I would have said behavioral, but they say behavior behavior anyway a behavior pattern where an individual goes to great lengths to satisfy others, often at the expense of their own needs, desires, or well be I would have said and or well beg but anyway or well being.
I agree with that people pleasers tend to seek validation, approval, and acceptance from others. That was me, that's been made for a long time. I consistently accommodating others expectations to avoid conflict. This behavior can stem from a fear of rejection, from low self esteem, or a desire to be liked, but over time it can also lead to feelings of resentment, stress, and burn out due to the constant suppression of personal boundaries and needs. Now I'm going to say I'm not
mad at that. I think that's like quite comprehensive and quite accurate. It's a challenge. It's a challenge for us to because we all want to be liked, right, none of us don't want to be liked. But I think we think that the more accommodating we are, the more compliant we are, the more we're saying yep, sure, okay, fine, no worries, all right, no problem. Yes, the more we're doing that, the more people are going to love us and like us. I don't believe that's true, by the way.
I believe that the more hyper compliant and hyper accommodating you are, the less people will respect you, and the more people will exploit you. Not all people, but some people. You know, and I know that there are people that you and I only hear from finish that sentence correct when they want something. You know that. I know that there are people that when I see their number, well, let's be honest, I've taken a lot of them out, so the number is not in and they've gotten the
old blocker rooney, but fuck it. But there are still people that and I don't these are not obviously, there's no one that I hate in my By the way, I don't hate anyone. I just won't let myself be exploited. I'm happy to help people, and I consciously choose to help a whole bunch of people because I believe that I need to have a purpose and a focus bigger
than me. And that's cool. But that's not the same as somebody taking the pierce and somebody psychologically and emotionally exploiting you or me on a constant, consistent, or reoccurring basis. You can be kind. You can be kind, you can be generous, and you can also say, either literally or metaphorically, fuck off. It doesn't need to be one or the other. You can be kind, generous, loving, compassionate, have an awareness bigger than you without being a people pleaser. We say
yes quite often out of fear. If I say no, what will happen? Well, generally fuck all. It depends, of course, lots of variables around that. But we say yes out of fear, out of guilts, out of disc umfit. Like we we oh, fuck, I want to be comfortable and if I say no, it's going to make it awkward. It's gonna be oh, it's going to be uncomfortable and yeah, but when you say yes and you don't want to say yes. Now, I'm not talking about being selfish here,
I'm talking about being smart socially wise. I'm talking about looking after you. When you say yes to something that you actually want to say no to. What you're doing is you're telling people, in no uncertain terms, hey, you can manipulate me. Hey, you can guilt me into pretty
much fucking anything. And when we say yes because we feel guilty, or we feel uncomfortable to say no, or because we know that they expect a yes, or because we're doing it because we need to belong or we want to belong, we want to fit in, we want to be okay. So that's coming that's coming from a place of weakness, not kindness. Let me say that in
no uncertain terms, people pleasing is weakness, not kindness. Like I said, you can be a compassionate, kind, aware, evolved, empathetic human who loves and serves people without being a people pleaser, also with a capacity to say no. And not only that, not only can you say no when they go, oh, how come, you can say because I
don't want to so when. And I've told this story a few times, but years ago I had this this friend of mine, and we don't see much much of each other anymore, not not for any terrible reason, but literally, this dude asked me to go.
Bowling with where Oh funny bowling? Anyway, he asked me to go bowling. I'm like, nah, like, we're going bowling, a bunch of us going Friday this night. Do you want to come? I go no, nah, thanks. He's like, what do you got on? And I go nothing. He goes, oh, well, that's hurtful, that's offensive, and I go, no, it's not. And I said, I said eventually, after a bunch of you know, kind of like him not getting the hint, which is cool, I said, look, here's the drill. Your
question is do I want to go bowling? My honest answer is I do not. Nothing about me wants to go bowling. I give you another twenty reasons why, but I don't want to go bowling. And I don't want to say yes to you just to tell you what you want to hear. And I fuck up my Friday nights and I go somewhere and do a thing that I don't have much free time, and Friday night is my free time.
So no, do I like you? Yes? Would I go have a coffee with you or a lunch with you or something? If I ate lunch, I would? But do you want to want to go bowling? Though? And he's like, okay, cool. Now. My intention in that story or in that moment was not to hurt his feelings, was not to be unsocial, anti social, It was not to reject him. It's just like, here's the thing if at some stage we don't say to people, no, well, how come well, because I'm fucking forty five years old and I don't want to go,
So that's okay. And by the way, I don't need your permission. I don't need to explain. I don't need to get uncomfortable, and you don't need to get offended. Now you might say, but Craig, I'm part of a couple, I have a partner, and there are times I'm saying yes. Of course, then you need to make a judgment call I don't have a partner, and so this is a different thing. So for me in that situation, my intention is not to hurt anyone's feelings. My intention is not
to reject mister bowling. It's not that, it's just that I don't want to go, So I'm not going to be the people pleaser that tells him, sure, i'll see you at seven, just because I'm not courageous enough or confident enough or sure of myself enough to say no, thank you. Anyway, I appreciate the offer. I hope you guys have a great time, but I'm not going fucking bowling. And it's okay. This propensity that we have to do things that we actually don't want to do. Now, I'm
not talking about being selfish here. I'm talking about with examples like that. Also, when you know, like I don't know how many times I was going to say a thousand, it might not be a thousand, but it might be. But literally hundreds of times in my life I have had a version of the same commentation with people, and that is booze have a beer, No, thank you, They just have a sip. No, I'm good, thank you. Really, this is what happens. Well, how would you even know
if you like it? If you won't have a sip? Well, I don't care if I like it or not. I don't want to drink alcohol, but thank you, and it escalates, and it can for some people, I'm sure, get more and more uncomfortable. And I've had confrontations with people where they will not fucking stop and I go, okay, listen up, Champ. You're not listening. You asked me four times. I said no four times. Let me be fucking clear. You can drink all the booze and I don't care what you drink.
You can eat all the joke, you can do whatever you want, but I'm not drinking alcohol. Well, please be respectful because you are making this a problem now, not me. If you had have said, hey, mate, do you want to beer? And I go, no, I don't want to beer. I don't drink, but thank you, and you went cool, no problems, We're good. But you didn't do that. You went just have one, and I went the second time, no, don't want one, thank you, and you go, mate, just
try it. You don't know. Third time no, and then fourth time. Now you're starting to fuck me off, and you created this problem. I'm not going to do something that I don't want to do to make you feel okay about what you're doing to your body. People pleasing, I'm going to say it again, is weakness not kindness. There are times when you really need to stand up
for you and be okay with it. You can say no. And if you feel uncomfortable saying no, I'm not talking about, you know, something where you're refusing to help somebody who needs We're not talking about that. We're talking about people trying to manipulate or coerce or take advantage of you in a way that doesn't sit with your values or your best interest. You know. The thing too, is think
about this. It's actually in some people's interest and you, a person might come to mind, it's in some people's interest for you to be a people pleaser because you being a people pleaser, especially if they're in your orbit, and especially if they have some control, some influence, and they have an ability to exploit your ah vulnerability or your need to please, then they're going to take advantage of That's a fucking great You become a valuable resource
for them because they can get you to do shit that they don't want to do, and they can get you to do shit that suits them that also you don't want to do, but you're too scared to say no. Here's the thing. If people are being self interested and selfish, and they're coercing and manipulating you, and you say no, you can't use or manipulate or exploit me, and they get fucked off because of that. Guess what they are not a friend. That's not a friend. That's not love,
that's not kindness, that's not friendship. That's coercion, that's manipulation, that's a self interested fuck That's right. I said it taking advantage of you. You do not need these people in your life that are going to use and abuse and manipulate you. Will it be hard. I'm not saying fucking do a social clean out tomorrow. I'm not saying create chaos in the next day or two. I'm saying about what I am saying, And if it doesn't make sense to you or it seems wrong, ignore me, ignore me.
But if what I'm saying makes sense and it rings true and it resonates, maybe maybe it's time for you to step up a little bit. People that use and abuse you they are they are ungrateful. They have an ungrateful and insatiable appetite for your compliance. And if you let them, they will make you a character in their story.
They will make you a character in their story. You won't be writing your own story, in living out your own dreams and goals and aspirations, because you're going to be too fucking busy trying to fit in with them to you know, help perpetuate what they want, what they need. And you know what, doesn't matter how hard you work at trying to be the people pleaser, they won't appreciate you.
They won't be grateful for you. And the moment that you are not this pawn in their game, this character in the story, the moment that you say no. Not for everyone. Some people might have a bit of a fucking epiphany or a light bulb moment and go, shit, maybe I have been using you and maybe, hopefully, hopefully they're better than that, and you can go, hey, here's the deal, I feel like this, and they might have
an epiphany and they might say sorry. But there's also a big chance that they'll get fucked off at you because you're not doing what they want now. And when you're doing what they want, when you're trying to keep them happy, meet their needs and play a role in their bloody story, then you're super valuable and you're worth keeping around. But If you're not any value anymore, if you're not any service anymore, then why the fuck would
I keep you around. It's not about being selfish. In fact, it's about being kind to your capitalists self, the self that is you. It's about you loving you. And what will happen is if you are perpetually the people pleaser, a couple of things will happen. They will people will some people will exploit you, use abuse, manipulate, coerce, and control you for as long as possible until you know use or value anymore. That's gonna happen. If you allow
that and to you'll be fucking exhausted. You'll be frustrated, you'll be resentful because you might spend years trying to make this person happy that's never truly happy, because if they're happy and satisfied, then they lose the grip on you. And if you feel truly valued in all of that, then then they're losing. There's been there's been many people in my life, and this is there's no sow of
grapes here. I don't feel sorry for me because also, by the way, there's been beautiful, amazing, generous, gorgeous people in my life. And there still are, right, but they've been There've been people over the years that I only hear from them when they want something. And I spoke about that before and you've experienced that too, And it's okay.
I still help people, and even people that I only hear from them when they need something, I still help some of them and I do what I can, but it's not It's not my job to keep everyone in the world happy. You know, I've said this before, but one of my lectures at UNI said doctor Paul Calleri said to me, if you don't want to offend anyone or bother anyone, then say nothing, do nothing, be nothing,
and stand for nothing, you know. And the truth is that when you stand for something, when you stand for yourself, when you say something, when you go nah, or how I don't want to. Yeah, here's the other thing. You're not fucking ten years old. You don't need to explain to people why you don't want to do something. In most situations. If we're talking about a work thing or something,
that's different. But in terms of your personal sovereignty, you your energy, your body, your time, your life, you don't need acceptance and approval and validation because you're not ten years old. You're not holding up a painting that you just did and trying to get approval from people you don't need it. I remember when incoming story, incoming story, I remember when I I was the young personal trainer that I spoke about, and I just started my PT business.
I was working in. I was working in a commercial gym, and then a year or two later, I started my own center and I had this brand new what was it about, two or three thousand square foot little studio which was you know, smallish but big enough for me. That was my first one, and I'd spend all the money in the world I had on gym equipment, and you know, I was in there and it was you know, well, it wasn't just me initially, it was me and a
couple of trainers. There was at this stage, there was not even an accreditation or a course that you could do to become a qualified, registered, insured personal trainer. This is how long ago it was. Anyway, So I had this new business, I had rent to pay out landlord to keep happy. I had staff that I didn't fucking know how to run because I didn't really I wasn't, you know, I wasn't an amazing leader. I wasn't an
amazing business person. I wasn't really amazing at anything. But I was pretty good at keeping my clients happy, right, And I was desperate to keep my clients happy. And that desperation to keep them happy. I think it's good to want to keep clients happy, but that can spill over from being a healthy pursuit to an unhealthy pursuit when I am turning myself inside out, upside down to try to keep everyone happy. And now I'm working a
million hours a week. I'm exhausted, I'm not eating properly, I'm not recovering properly, I'm anxious, I'm overthinking, blah blah blah blah, and so on and so I remember, so I used to start working about five o'clock. Every day. I'd be at the gym at five, and if I wasn't training someone, at five, I'd be cleaning the gym, changing the bog rolls, you know, wiping down the equipment, cleaning the mirrors, doing a bit of admin or something. But every day, especially in the early years, I was
there at five am. I was up at four or four point thirty, and every night or Nelly. Every night. I was there till nine o'clock at night. So these were stupidly long days, and so I would be busy. I would be training people until about twelve or one, pretty much back to back, and then i'd have a few hours which were not so chaotic, where I'd do other work, or try and get in a workout of my own, or try and fucking sleep for seven minutes,
or eat some food or something. And on a regular basis, somebody. Now, let's say I had twelve to four with no PTE appointments, right or twelve to three, and one of my clients would want to train, it say one right in the middle. So that meant I couldn't really even leave the gym. I couldn't go home and chill out for you know. And whenever anyone wanted to train, I would just say yes. And I remember being so exhausted. So this one day, I won't say his full name, but I had a client.
His name's David, and David I was very accommodating. He's a good client, good guy. But I had I'd been working. I think I'd been working from about five to about midday with no stops, so seven hours, and then I was going to work from four till I think nine or ten, so let's say another six hours, so thirteen hours for the day. And I had this four hour window where I could kind of whatever, catch up, eat, maybe try and have a sleep for an hour, chill out and anyway. So I had this four hour window.
And the day before I trained him and he said, what have you got tomorrow? And I looked at he looked at my diary as well, and I was free between twelve and four, so he wanted to train at I think it was two o'clock or maybe one thirty, which was pretty much bang in the middle of my free time. And he goes he looks, He goes, I'll do one thirty, and I go, I can't. He's like, what do you mean. I go, I can't, and he's like oh, And I said to him and I always said yes. He goes, oh, I said, I've got other
stuff to do. It's not in here, but I've got stuff to do. It's like, oh, what can you do? And I said, well, I could do twelve or I could do three, so that would tack on the end of my morning or start my afternoon. A bit earlier, but it would still give me a three hour break. And he went to my fucking amazement, cool, I'll do twelve. I went, Okay, see you at twelve. Now I had spent.
And what was interesting was moving forward, I would still be accommodating to people, but if I would, if I would put some time aside, or I would make an arrangement that worked for me in terms of me maintaining my physical, mental, and emotional health, I would not compromise on that. And I would even even if if I had, say a two hour break in the day and it was only two hours and somebody was willing to buy
one of those hours pay for that. Eventually I got to the point where I would say no, because that would almost mean out of a sixteen hour day, I was working fifteen of the six, which is not tenable, not doable. And what was interesting was the moment that I started to say no to clients in terms of not being the over the top, desperate, insecure please don't
leave me people pleasing trainer, I just went nah. I was still nice, I still pilat, I still provide a great service, but I wasn't over the top accommodating, nobody complained at all. Nobody, And when I just went if i'd say oh, you can't, I go no. Nobody went, oh why can't you? And if they did, I'd go yeah, because I'm busy, and they'd go, all right, what can you do? I'd say I can do that, and nearly every time, if they could make it work, they'd go, sure,
let's do that. So, even in the context of my own business, keeping people happy, building my brand, building my business, I learned early that being a an over the top people pleaser, not only is it not good for you for for all the reasons I've spoken about, but I also think being a people pleaser reeks of desperation, and I actually think it's bad for all the things upset already,
but I actually think it's bad for business. Yes, you want to kind of underpromise and over deliver to a point, but you don't want to be that person who seems to be desperate for business. All right, So if you're a people pleaser, um, you've got something to think about and maybe something to do. Love your guts, but not in a people please every kind of way. Hah See tomorrow