#1630 Things You Should Stop Doing - Harps

and also being reasonably self aware of my own bullshit. I think there are a lot of things that we commonly do, that we typically do that really contribute to our lack of success, our stagnation, the spinning of our metaphoric wheels, our frustration, our self doubt, our lack of confidence, our lack of success, overall, our lack of happiness. And these are not complicated things that I want to share

with you. In fact, some of them are extremely obvious, and despite their obviousness is that a word, Despite their obviousness, despite the simplicity of many of these, we still don't do what we know we could do, or we still

self sabotage. We still get in our own way, despite knowing that the thing that we're doing is ineffective, is counterintuitive, is counterproductive, And there's a range reasons that we do that quite often because the thing that we need to do, or the thing that we need to change, or the thing that we need to own up to is scary, or it requires a lot of effort or time. And while we might consciously be aware of that, subconsciously, I think we think on some level that things will just

kind of work themselves out. It's a really common kind of subconscious mindset that we feel like, you know, over time, it'll all be fine, and you know, maybe, but I know that living unconsciously not paying attention to the data and the feedback, not paying attention to our wisdom and our internal sat Nav, and not paying attention to what our body is saying, and not paying attention to what the results that we're producing in our world are telling us,

that is fraught with danger. It is a terrible strategy, and it rarely produces a good outcome or outcomes over the long term. So I want to share with you I think I'll do ten today. I might do ten tomorrow see how I'm traveling. But some really simple things that if we take these simple ideas on board, if they're relevant for you, and we sorry about that banging, we operationalize them, we do something with it, it truly

can change our will. So the first thing is I actually hesitated to jot this one down because it's so obvious and it might almost disappoint you in its simplicity, but nonetheless it is truly relevant, broadly relevant, and still a common mistake that people make, and that is that we simply just eat more food consistently than we need. Depending on what rich research you look at. In Australia, we're somewhere between sixty to seventy percent overweight and or obese.

We move less typically than we used to a generation or two go. So energy expenditure has gone up a bit, not profoundly, by the way, sorry, energy intake, I should say energy intake calories in has gone up an amount, like a bit, but not hugely. But what has dropped

off is energy expenditure. And so while you know, all you've got to do is jump online and look at a nutritional website, or go follow someone on fuck on Facebook, or Instagram and some dietition or exercise sorry, or food scientist or nutritionist or food guru self appointed food guru, and you can do a deep dive for fucking months in the protocols and the science and the research of this idea, this concept, this philosophy or ideology around food

versus that, whether it's you know, the Mediterranean diet or Atkins back in the old day, or carnivore diet or intermittent fasting or fill in the blank, fill in the blank. But overwhelmingly, the biggest mistake that I have seen consistently with people across the board is simply that they just put too much food, or they just put too many

calories in their body consistently. And of course there are many other variables around that, Yes, many other variables that I'm not going to go into, just because I'm trying to identify just the most obvious standout thing that we can manipulate. Of course, there are other things that you know, like the quality of your calories matters. But you know,

here's an unpopular truth. If I expend let's say, in this, it doesn't work like this because we don't expend the same amount of calories every day because we're doing different stuff all the time. But let's say that on average I expend two thousand calories a day for a month, and in that same month that I expend two thousand calories a day on average, I eat five chocolate bars every day, and each one of those chocolate bars is three hundred calories, So I have fifteen hundred calories a

day in total. So there's five hundred calorie deficit or a five hundred calorie gap between what I'm putting in, you know, the calories and the calories I'm expending. While this is a fucking terrible protocol from a health point of view or a nutritional value point of view, the bottom line is eating those five chocolate bars every day, I wouldn't feel very good, but I would lose weight.

Why just because there's a five hundred calorie deficit and my body needs to get five hundred calories from somewhere. And where my body will get the calories from is the stored energy on my body, also called fat. Right now, this is just a silly example, but I'm demonstrating to you the fact that while there are many variables and I'm primarily just talking about fat loss and weight loss here.

But while there are many variables that influence you know, skeletal muscle mass and metabolism and digestion and overall health and immune function and gut biome and all of those things. But if we're just looking from a perspective of how much additional weight or fat am I carrying? The number one issue, the number one factor will always be the volume of calories that we are putting in our body.

That's number one. So that's number one thing, not in order of importance, of course, but that's the first thing that maybe we should think about if that's relevant for you. Number two is waiting for an opportunity to present itself. And we do this. We wait for someone or something to come along to recognize our brilliance or our talent, or our potential, or our amazing nature or our work ethic.

And look, sometimes that happens. Sometimes that happens. Sometimes someone is going to come along and that is going to happen. But there's another option. And I'm saying, by the way, if an opportunity does present itself, great, that's a good idea, I mean, lean into that, But a better idea than waiting. A better idea than relying on fate or chance or happenstance or another person to recognize your potential amazingness and then to knock on your literal or metaphoric door. A

better idea is to create opportunities. You to create an opportunity for yourself to make a phone call, to make a connection, to do some research, to enroll in a course, to create your own program, to start your own micro business or macro business, to do something productive and proactive, which is essentially you opening the door on growth and learning and development and evolution. You are listening to this show as a byproduct of me creating an opportunity. Nobody

asked me to host a podcast. Nobody knocked on my door and said, hey, Harps, here's one thousand bucks a week for you to host a show. We're going to call it the You Project. We're going to support you, we're going to give you some producers, and we're going

to help you get guests. And when nobody did that, and I'm glad they didn't, right, because it was in the doing of it for myself that creating my own opportunity, building skill building, knowledge, building relationships, figuring out the art and the science of podcasting and doing that for me that not only did we end up producing something that's pretty good still getting better, I hope, but also irrespective of what I've created and what we're doing and the

impact that we are having in the community, the global community, the online community. Apart from that, I've become a better version of me along the way, and so many other opportunities to meet great people, learn from great people, build new things. So many opportunities have come from the opportunity that I created for myself. If something comes along great, but instead of sitting on the philosophical or metaphoric couch, we can get off that couch and we can go

and knock on doors. We can make decision, we can take action, we can get uncomfortable, we can take chances, and we can create opportunities for ourselves. Number three on my list of things that we should stop doing is trying to change other people. And I see this all the time. I see this all the time. I see this and it go toally just out and about, and I see this firsthand when people come to me and ask me a question like how do I make my partner? I was going to say, how do I make my husband?

Because it's often ladies, but anyway, sometimes it's dudes. But how do I make my person? It might be my kid, it might be my partner, it might be one of my parents. How do I make my fill in the blank do this or see this, or change that or whatever. It is a habit, a behavioral way of thinking, doing, being existing that somebody in their world, a family member or a friend, a lover, an intimate partner. Somebody thinks that it's their job or responsibility to change that person,

and generally speaking, it comes from a good place. Generally, the intention, the motivation is good and I understand it. But more often than not, or at least half the time, I would say that intention, especially when it's operationalized day after day. That is, somebody's being poked and prodded and coerced and challenged to be different. Invariably what happens is something more in the negative than positive space. Trying to

change someone is a bad idea. Trying to support or encourage if they want to be supported and encouraged, can be a good thing. So we need to operate in wisdom and situational awareness and social awareness, and we need to understand the mindset and the reality and the experience of the person that we care about that we're trying to change. I have not done this in the last decade or so. I've not really tried to change anyone.

But in my younger years I tried to change my parents' way of seeing things, thinking about certain things and certain behaviors and habits that were toxic, that were destructive, that were unhealthy. I did that because I loved them, but I did not change them, neither of them, my Mum or my dad. Unfortunately, it took both of them to have massive health scares, a heart attack for Dad, an almost life ending heart attack for Dad, and about with lunk cancer for mone. Now that doesn't mean that I

didn't try. I did support them, and I did try to educate them. But for the most part, one it didn't work. And two, especially with my mum, who's very stubborn, God bless her little socks, I created more disconnection than connection. I created more problems and solutions because I was literally giving her imput and feedback that she didn't want. So really, I was trying to manipulate and control and coerce her even though my intentions were good, I did not produce

a good outcome. Support people, love them, care for them, you know, tell them maybe once or twice, give them some input or feedback if you really think you should. But while it off and seems like a good idea, more often than not, in my experience and anecdotal evidence, it doesn't produce a good outcome. Another random one, This is number four. Another random one that is just I've really become cognizant of lately. Is this propensity we have the collective we not everyone and maybe not you, but

to increase spending proportionate to income. And so an example of this is I had coffee with a friend of mine that I haven't seen for a while. It was probably a couple of weeks ago now it maybe it doesn't matter recently, and I one of the things he wanted to show me was his new car. Now I don't know how much the car cost, but it wasn't cheap. It was it would have been somewhere in the Cindy of one hundred and fifty to two under grand that's a lot. And also, you know, his lifestyle ain't cheap.

And what is interesting with this guy he doesn't listen to this. In fact, I don't even know that he's ever listened to a podcast. But anyway, and I told him this, so I don't think he'd be mad with me sharing. But whatever amount of money he is making, if he's earning three x, then he'll buy a car that basically takes him to redline with his money. So he's never really getting ahead. So he's always creating a financial situation for him that is something in the ballpark

of desperation of anxiety. And so if he makes more, he spends more, So he's never really getting ahead. So he doesn't need and I'm not saying do or don't, but he definitely doesn't need the two hundred thousand dollars car sixty thousand dollars car that he had. And while you might say, yeah, but what if that car gives

him all the joy? And if it gives him all the joy and his life is better for having the two hundred thousand dollars car, even if it's break even on the financial front, well then I would say fuck it, do it. But that ain't the case. There's more anxiety than joy that is coming out of this habit he has of spending everything that he earns. So this habit that many of us have is we earn more now, we spend more on things we don't need. We spend more on things we don't need because we just have more.

And so back when we were earning X, we thought, fuck, if I could just earn two X, my life would be so much better. There would be so much less financial pressure. But what we do is we end up, sometimes in the not too distant future, earning two or three X, only to find ourselves now spending two or three X. And we're in the same situation, sometimes times worse because the pressure is even more because if perchance I lose this job, now I'm fucked because my financial

commitment is huge, whereas it was just big. Okay, So that idea of or the habit that we have of earning more and spending more, I'm not saying you shouldn't do it. I personally don't think it's great idea, and I've just seen many people do it, who who continue to put themselves in a not just financial state, but a psychological and an emotional state of anxiety over money.

And it's self created. It's self created. So number four is unnecessarily increasing spending proportionate to income so that we can never get ahead. The next one I'm not going to bang on about because I've spoken about it a lot on this show, but it still is important. And that is the habit that many of us have of assuming that if I understand something what I'm saying, then you will understand what I'm saying, the assumption that my good intention will be your good experience because I assume

that you will think what I think I will. I assume that, even though I might not say it out loud, but we operate on the subconscious assumption that people think like us. Call that false consensus effect. I've spoken about it recently. And what we don't do is we don't try to understand the gap between our thinking and their thinking. We don't try to understand their version of this moment.

We don't try to understand. Okay, so we're in a conversation, We're having a conversation or a negotiation, or an interaction, or an moment in time me and another human, what is this experience? What is this moment? What is this conversation for them? Not for me? For them? Which is why one person will walk away thinking that was a productive, successful, effective interaction, and the other person will walk away thinking what the fuck was that? And Person one has no

idea that person two has had that experience. And as I've said many times, so it is in our interest to understand how others think, not necessarily to think like them, but to understand how they see the world, the window or the lens through which they view this problem, this conversation, this negotiation, this challenge, this role that they're doing within the organization, what you expect of them, what they expect of you, all of that stuff. Not necessarily agreeing, but understanding.

When we understand other people, whether or not we align with them doesn't matter. But when we understand under other people, then the chances of us building meaningful, productive, healthy relationships, be they personal or professional, The chances of that goes through the roof. Number six is the very common mistake of confusing an idea or an intention or a wish or an aspiration or a hope with an actual plan. I mean an actual, structured, strategic, timelined plan. Okay, you

want to get healthy, cool, that's not a plan. That's not a plan because it's not specific. There's no action or to do list attached to that. There doesn't seem to be any accountability or KPIs or structure or process. And while it's great to have an intention or an idea or a wish or a dream or an aspiration, until we attach a practical process to that and we start operationalizing or doing the process or leaning into the process,

then we don't have a plan. We just have an idea in our head of what we would like to happen. What I would like to happen is a happy, successful life. I would like a good career. I would like a healthy body. I would like healthy relationships. I would like for the most part, to be somewhere between content and happy. Great all good wishes, all good ideas, all good in theory, how we will you create those things? How will you turn each of those intentions and ideas into real world

outcomes on planet you? How will you ensure that when you're not motivated you keep going. How will you ensure that when it's not fun you will not give up? How will you ensure that three six, twelve months from now you have progressed and changed and evolved, And this idea that you're having in this moment or the intention in the moment has been transformed from a theoretical construct into a practical process that you're now in the middle of. Not having an actual real world plan is the vast

majority of people. So many people want to do things, be things, create things, change things, while not actually having a practical strategy or plan to turn those theories into real world outcomes. The next one is the very common habit, I guess or mindset perhaps that some of us have, or maybe all of us have at times of looking for somebody to basically fix us, solve us, or save us.

And while it's great to have a support crew, it's great to have people who are on our team in inverted commas to inspire or love us or help us at times. Ultimately, we are the authors of our own stories. Ultimately we are the drivers of our own metaphoric bus.

And it's up to me on planet me. It's up to me to make the decisions to solve my problems, to do the work, and yes, I will lean into some relationships and some resources at times, and of course it is great to have a person or persons that can help and support, but ultimately, ultimately the person that can only make the decision and do the work and get uncomfortable and create the outcome and solve the problem that is you. Solve the problem that is me. I'm

speaking for me now, is me and you. It's nobody's job to make you okay. It's nobody's job to save you or solve you, or fix you. It's nobody's job. It's nobody's job to complete you, because you're not incomplete. It might be somebody's role, depending on how your life goes, to compliment you, or to come into your space, into your life, into your heart and add to your life. But they can't complete you because you're not incomplete, and they can't fix your life. Because only you can live

your life. Only you can do the work. Only you can build the skills and the courage and the competence and the awareness and the resilience that you need to live your best life. So number seven is stop looking for someone to fix you, save you, solve you, or complete you. We're nearly there. Three more, we're on the

home straight. Number eight I've spoken about a lot is the very happens a lot with kids and parents, This one and partners is the very common practice of having essentially the same pointless conversation over and over and over and over again, despite the fact that the last one hundred time not only didn't it work, not only wasn't there a light bulb or compliance or you know, an Aha moment or any kind of positive outcome. In fact, in general terms, it produces the opposite. It produces something

more in the negative space. So we have a couple of options. Is Option one is to stop having the same conversation and shut the fuck up and walk away. That's not always possible, because sometimes those people perhaps work for us or we're responsible for them in some way. So maybe we need to have another conversation, but a different conversation. Maybe we need to use a different approach. Maybe we need to show more and share more empathy and love and kindness. Maybe we need to change the

when and the how. Maybe we need to say less and listen more. Maybe we need to ask questions and not give directions. Maybe we need to try to look at the situation or the challenge, or the conversation or the apparent problem through their lens, through their windows, so

that we can connect. But whatever the potential answer is, what it definitely isn't is having the same conversation the same way about the same issue with the same person when it's never worked, And having a conversation out of anger, out of frustration, out of resentment, out of desperation. None of those things are a good starting point for any conversation. Number nine is again not groundbreaking, but relevant. And people

still don't have a post motivation plan. People are still limited by, or sometimes controlled by, or sometimes almost destroyed by their inability to do the work when they're not motivated to do what success whatever that means for the individual to do what success demands in the absence of the emotional state of motivation. And one of the questions I've asked many times is you know, what can you

do when you can't be bothered? How effective and proactive and productive and committed and focused can you be when you don't feel like being any of it? How hard can you work when you don't want to work? Because if you only do what's required the work, the effort, the energy, the emotional, the psychological, the practical investment, if you only have those things happening when you are in the zone, when you are pumped, excited, motivated, you're never

going to create lasting change. You're never going to create a new operating system. You're never going to turn those sometimes behaviors into all the time habits. Because every time you lose motivation, which for many of us is about every hour or every second day or whatever it is, we're never going to create that sustained performance and therefore the sustained results because we're constantly giving up and our behavior is determined by our emotional state on the day.

The challenge for us is not to stay motivated. The challenge for us is to stay productive, effective, proactive, doing what's required when we can't be bothered. And this last one I'm going to share with you. I was listening to there's a podcast called what's called I think it's called Modern Wisdom with a guy called Chris I think Chris Williamson's interviewing a guy who is quite polarizing, Alex

Hamosi I think his name is. And it was funny he was talking about he was talking about something that is a really interesting thing to think about. And I want to end with this one because I find it interesting and I've spoken to people about this before. And what's interesting is Alex Hemosi has this habit, which some people would think is not a good habit. And I think it depends on how it's used and when it's used.

But he was talking about the propensity that people have of saying yes to things social because they just don't want to say no. And I and the idea of being just really honest with people without trying to be offensive, without trying to be hurtful or hateful, of course, but one of the things that one of the examples I've given over the years is there's been many times where people have said to me something like, hey, mate, we're going bowling on Friday night. Do you want to come?

And the true answer to that is I do not want to go bowling. I don't really enjoy bowling. I don't want to go bowling. And so I will say to them, no, I don't. And some times, oh, are you busy? And I go, no, I'm not, and people look at me like what do you mean. I go, well, you said, do I want to go bowling? And the truthful answer to that is no, I don't want to go bowling. I'd literally rather stay home by myself and do something else. Now, let's not confuse I don't want

to go bowling with I don't like you? Do I like you? Yes, I do. I probably happily have a meal with you. Maybe well, I'll catch up with you for a coffee or have a meaningful dialogue or I don't know, something that we'll both enjoy. But I'm not going to go do something that I don't want to do just because you want to do it. Now, there's a caveat to that. Before people go, you're so fucking

single and selfish. I get it, I get it. There's a caveat, and that is if I was in a relationship with somebody who really wanted to do that, I would definitely go. I would do that for them because my partner wanted to do that, And I think having an awareness and a purpose and a kindness bigger than for myself, of course. But my point is when we spend our life being a form of a people pleaser, saying yes to things that we really perhaps want to say no to. I'm not talking about being selfish here.

I'm just talking about not wasting time and energy doing things that you really don't want to do when you could be doing something that is far more valuable for you. Perhaps what's more valuable for you, depending on the situation, is a night off. Maybe it's a meditation class. Maybe it's line on your bed watching Netflix. Maybe it's going to the gym and doing a workout. Maybe it's hanging out with your mum. Maybe it's hanging out with your dad.

Maybe it's maybe it's listening to a podcast. I don't know what it is, but this compulsion that people have to say yes to everything just because they can't or won't say no, it's a problem. It's a problem. And again my asterisk, my caveat here is no, we're not

trying to be insensitive. And there'll be times when, of course, because of a relationship we have, we're going to go do something which wouldn't be our priority, but we want to love someone and take care of somebody else, of course, But I just think it's okay sometimes to be able to say no, look, really, it ain't about you. But that is just not I don't want to go spend three hours doing that. If you want to know the truth, the answer is no, I don't want to do that.

But thanks, we don't always have to explain ourselves. We don't need permission from people. We're all grown ups. There's a way to look after you while also being kind and thoughtful and aware of others. All right there it is. Hopefully there's something in that for you that's valuable, maybe even something that you can take out of the theory of my words and put into practice in the real world reality of your life tomorrow