#1615 Commitment Issues - Harps & Tiff

shit I used to buy. It's like nine gallons for a dollar thirty five at the supermarket, so look probably not high quality. And the one that I'm getting that Kim and Buffy put me onto is it's like a tube of toothpaste like that size. It's forty bucks, but it's it's it's all natural and you can it's actually edible, not that you'd want to eat it, but it's actually edible. That is well, I don't know I could go. What I might do is if anyone's interested. And it feels

amazing when you put it on your skin. It feels like it doesn't just feel like oily shit just on your skin. It feels that I don't say shit like this, but it feels like I don't know it feels like it's nourishing, feels like it's food for your skin.

But then they cut out something that's the size of a fucking golf ball because they've got to clear the borders and then they've got to go from your chin basically up to your fucking prefrontal cortex to make sure they get it all. I'm like and like under this stupid looking a band aid, it's all bruised and shit, I know I sound like a big baby, and I am a big baby. So that there are people with way moss problems than me.

That's going to be a skin cancer. But it's just little, you know, like I've been thinking that for ages and then after you it that the skin dotor and then I went to get it checked, and then I was really nervous because it was like, now I'm going to be told. So it's like having the idea and thinking it is isn't really the belief.

He's just going to go, yep, melanoma advanced, get your shit in order, say good body of folks, and maybe figure out, I don't know, do you have a will? You know? And then you go there. He's like, well, you've got some shit, but you're not going to die. And then I could have kissed him on the mouth. And then and then my sphinker finally relaxed after four weeks snapshot like a fucking vault. And then and then I continue to go back every six months for a

long time. And then I don't think I've been since COVID and then I went like a week ago. He's like, hmm, you haven't been there for while, have you? I went no, He goes, you should come more of Like really, so I.

And then I've got the ships and I was like, oh, so you charge me all that money to chop that out, but then you won't just have a quick look at everything else that takes four minutes. Want more money. So out of spite, I was like, well, I'm not coming back in two months.

think this is a good opportunity. I think this is a good opportunity for us to open the door, a little a little staff meeting, have a little staff meeting in front of everyone, maybe a little bit of therapy, and maybe you can just step into the vulnerability circle with our group and you can just just go Hi, everyone, my name's Tiv. I get cranky. Okay, I've started you off.

I wasn't very nice. I'm sorry, Ben No.

to do a solo. I'm just going to pick a topic and just bang on as I do a little bit of a freestyle mini workshop for the masses, or you and me could do something. And I said do you want to do one at three? And Tip said yep. I said, awesome. Why don't you just why don't you come up with an idea or some questions. I'll just say, don't tell me what it's about. And she goes okay, And then at three minutes to three, I jump on and fucking Captain Cranky's just got a bottom lip out,

fucking just shit energy. What is that about? Anyway?

it a cafe is really an understatement. It is just so beautiful and so fancy. And I did a gig for Buxton's from Mornington Peninsula. Buxton Mornington Peninsula and such a good group and it was funny because I don't know, did you see the thing? I know, we're just banging on here. Feel free to tune out everyone. Did you see the whiteboard that they had no no Oh my god, don't look now because you'll get Don't put your fucking phone down. No, put your fucking phone down. As soon

as you do that, you're not present. You're not present. As soon as I do that, you always like zones out. So they had this whiteboard that's as big as like a seventy five inch TV screen. It's not a whiteboard. I don't know what's called. It's like the electronic equivalent of a whiteboard. And I don't know if the background changes color, but it was like this blue gray color and you write on it with your fingertip, so you literally write, you write whatever, and it comes up crystal

clear in real time. You can draw with it. You can write, you can do you can write shit over here, over, and you can actually hold say you write Craig Harper. You can put your hand on the screen and drag it so you can drag the words. Right. You can download so that there's I don't know how to I don't know how to do this, but it downloads. So say that I write, over the course of a day's workshop, I write twenty pages of shit. Right, you can download it so it's all been recorded. And then this is

the best bit. Then you go to the bottom, you press a button and it cleans the screen instantly. So it clears the screen. It's just the best thing ever. All right, go and have a look. Now, have a look. Now, pick up and pick up your phone. So go into if you want to see everyone, it's this is not very exciting, but Craig Anthony Harper. So go in and then you'll see me in the group. And then just swipe across. So go into the latest post and then you'll see me looking like a like a fucking hookah.

Look at how I'm sitting by the way. Yeah, but have a look at that, and wow, how good is that?

it online. I'm like, yeah, so that it helps. I spent a bit of time doing that. That was fun, A little bit of a walk in the sunshine with Luna, who needs to Did you know did you see my post about Luna?

him in hospital for three days. It was meant to be one, you know, and then you know what's catch twenty two with the older people, Like he's eighty five now and he was going he was training three days in the week a week at the gym, once by himself, once with Josh the EP and once with Fatty Harps. And since he's gotten a crook, right, so he spent a lot of the last two weeks, like a lot

either lying or sitting. And what happens boys and girls, especially when you're old, when you spend somewhere around twenty three and a half hours a day maybe more, to be honest, either sitting on your bottom or lying in a bed. The muscle that you do have, which is not significant, balls off your body and it's And then on top of that, right, at least, don't talk to my dad about this anyone who knows my dad. But then on top of that, you know, obviously he's in

a bit of pain. He's walking not great now because he's you know. And then on top of that is a bit flat because he's his recovery is slower than it was hoped it would be from the op and all of these things, right, and then then you chuck in that you know Mum is waiting on him, hand and for it, and then she's a bit anxious because she's, oh god, and it's like every time am I oversharing at the moment, it's just too much if it is,

if it is, tune out everyone. But every time the phone rings and it's Mum myself, right, I'm like, oh, because I just especially if it's a certain time of the day, like if it's like Mum rings at typical times, if she rings at an atypical time, I just jump to some terrible assumption or conclusion.

waste energy on things I can't control. But when you love someone a lot, you know, like I love my mum and dad like everyone or most people love their mum and dads. I think most, Yeah, there's that, you know. Like I've said before, it gets to a point where you kind of become the dad, or you become a version of the parent where you've got to look after them, protect them, if not, make decisions for them, make decisions

with them, and you know. Yeah, and so in the middle of all of that turning up like I sometimes like I was talking to Mum on the way to Dalsford yesterday before I did this gig, and so I had to present at about three point thirty at Dalesford. And at about three point fifteen I was on the phone with Mum and it wasn't you know, it wasn't terrible. But I got off the phone and I just love Mum and I love you know, I want her to

be okay, and I worry that. You know, Mum's fucking three feet tall and eighty five in a minute and just a human dynamoe. But she she she worries about everyone and everything and she takes all that on. And I was about fifteen minutes away from presenting and I had to I had to drag my self out of it. I had to go. I realized I cannot, I cannot be in this energy, I cannot be in this headspace.

And so I just got out of the car and went for a walk and then I connected with Nicole, who organized the gig, and we and I, you know, and by the time or maybe it was twenty five minutes before, but by the time I started, I was

in a good place. But I thought, you know, like when you do, like even with this podcast, right, you know, you have to not manufacture it, but you have to try to genuinely get yourself in a better place so that you can so that Yeah, well, you know, but I mean, imagine if you had brought that energy into because we had a plan, and the plan was you were going to do whatever, and then you were you didn't feel great, which is cool, You're human, and I go,

all right, scrap that plan. And I could see the relief come over you. I could see the anxiety drain out of your body, and I went, don't worry about it. We'll just bang on. But yeah, it's for me. I tried. This sounds weird, but when I'm doing, especially yesterday was a two hour workshop. The people were fucking great. I got a message before, which is really nice and I don't mean sound bragging at bragst, but I just loved it.

And Nicole sent me a message and said virtually everyone said the highlight of the two days was the session with you, and I'm like, that is so nice. And I try to and I don't always do it. Obviously. Sometimes I'm a fucking four out of ten. Sometimes I'm a nine point nine. And it varies, and I think I'm more consistent that I used to be than I used to be. But I really try in the moment to be completely totally present. So I'm not thinking about the drive home. I'm not thinking about Mum or Dad.

I'm not thinking about my you know, going and get my skin cut tomorrow. I'm not I'm just fully immersed in the moment. And I've really been proactively and consciously practicing that more. This morning, I had, I'll shut up after this because I know you're ready. She keeps, she keeps card and talk sorry, and I bang on. But this morning I had. I had a coffee with Phil, a friend of mine. I call him Pastor Phil because

he's a pastor. He's been a pastor of churches for most of his adult life and he's not doing that at the moment. He's doing other stuff, but I still call him past Phil anyway. And he's just a very loving, generous person, and you know, He's one of those people where he will talk about you and let you talk about you for an hour. And I'm very cognizant of that. And I went in not trying to be strategic, but

just be aware. And I said to myself, don't fucking talk about yourself today, like you talk about yourself too much. Shut the fuck up. And so we just sat down and he talked about his stuff and what's going on, and I asked him questions and it was great. We're now together. And about the forty minute mark, he goes,

that's enough about me, what about you? And I go, fuck me, it's all about you today, and I said, I don't really have a lot of new stuff, so let's just and we just and it was really nice. It was nice to consciously be present for someone else and not to wait for a gap in the conversation and not to turn it around and then go, oh yeah, but listen to you know. And that's something that I used to be terrible at it. I used to be terrible, but it's something I've really worked out over the last

you know, ten or twenty years. Obviously, I'm not very good at it on a podcast because I'm not fucking shutting up, but in that situation, being able to be fully present and just let whatever's going to happen happen. Yeah, I think it's something that for me, I've really had to work on. I'm getting better at.

and share and get what you need in support? Right, let's look at because you're an independent, single only child with parents who live two hours away, So this is massive, Like, of course you feeling like this is absolutely expected, and so how do you, aside from just being busy or getting being really present in the stuff you do, when do you allow or how do you allow yourself to share in a way that actually lets you feel good and okay and not feel like you're burdening anyone or

have you not mastered that?

going to sound negative. I don't mean it too, but I truly don't believe that there are that many people in my world who care that much about how I'm traveling. I think there are some people, but I have a long history of relationships with people who want something from me. And that might sound like I feel sorry for me. I absolutely don't. I'm very grateful. I think I'm privileged. But the amount of people who ring me and go, is there anything I can do for you? Are you okay?

Do you want any help? Not many and not often. And I'm not resentful. I'm not mad at anyone, and so it doesn't. It doesn't. It's not that I I'm dysfunctional to the point that I can't talk to people. I absolutely can. I'm doing it right now, But I don't know. I think I've kind of trained myself to not, you know, not to be dependent on that. If it comes, it comes, and it's lovely if someone you know and there's this is also you can tell this as unscripted,

everyone going Yeah. Also, I think there's this, you know, there's this people who actually genuinely, really fucking care, and then there's people who think they should ring, and they'll do that for three days because of something, and then

they won't do it anymore. And it's like, you know, friends of mine that have gone through deep, deep, deep shit, and you know, somebody has died or somebody something bad has happened, and then everyone gives him a lot of attention for a short amount of time and then it goes away, Like for example, with Johnny, who you know, who I train, he got overwhelmed with attention and sympathy and cards and people bringing meals when he had his accident, which was six years ago, and six years later, I

still see him three days a week and I still love him, and I've been talking to him today and messaging him and not seeing him tonight, but I'm seeing him tomorrow. And I try to be that, you know, like more than fair weather friend. I feel like I'm digressing, but yeah, I'm happy to be vulnerable and open. But I truly don't think that many people, not that they don't care. I just think most people, really it's it's

like yeah that, ah, okay, cool, that's enough now, you know. Yeah, like there are and I'm not include you in this so you don't need things. He's talking about me. But there have been people over the years, a lot of people I only hear from them when they need something, like a lot like you know people that would go, oh yeah, Craig and I mates. I'm like, okay, I'm

okay with that, but we're not. We're not. It's because you know, you only reach out to me when you need something or something's broken or something's wrong and you need me to intro you to someone or fix something or resolve a problem or help you. And I love helping people, so I don't mind. But to me, that's you know, the Crab and I are awesome friends. Vinn and I awesome friends, Greg and I awesome. You know, there's there's a bunch of people in my world who

that they're no matter what friends, you know. Yeah, yeah, Which I don't mean that sound negative because it's not. And it's also remember we spoke about that book that I've mentioned too many times, Bad Therapy by Abigail Streier. It's like the other thing is for me personally, sometimes if I'm going through shit, what I need to do is sit in that shit and work through it myself,

and I come out the other side pretty good. But for a lot of people that would not be a good strategy, and for me, talking about what I'm feeling isn't always the answer either. So I think, like with you know, managing your emotions and your mind and your mental health, like everything, there's no three step protocol that is appropriate or relevant or optimal for the myriad of different people that listen to this show.

But when I've looked at that over time, and often it hurts a lot, and I get and I want to go every Yeah, like there's no no one sticks around, no one cares, no one needs. And then I go and then I look at who they're getting, and they're not getting and they were never getting They never knew me, they were never getting me. I was never leaning in.

there's something I'm not seeing. And I'm fully aware that I'm always looking through the Craig window, and I'm fully aware that Craig's go, why is he talking in the third person? Craig Z go fucking Craig wants him to be right. I get that, and like I know that you know we've spoken about this many times. I mean, I'm fully comfortable talking about my numerous flaws. And you know, it's like in the past when girls have said to me, or ladies, I should say, have said to me, you

know your commitment phobic? Can I go, yes, I am, and feel like, ah, so you know, I go, of course, I fucking know, I'm sixty and single. Fucking what gave it away? You know, like fucking you know, there are clues. Just follow the bread crumbs, boys and girls, the emotional bread crumbs, and you'll find I can wreck at the end of it, you know. And but then you go, I mean, this is a really interesting thing. Like I'm I've been a little bit. I've been a lot influenced

by I reckon. This is something I never thought about till I was about forty and I just one day I just had this epiphany about why I might so be why I might be so apprehensive at times like I can open the door like this because and there's nothing really that I'm leaving out because I'm happy with

this kind of exposure in inverted commerce. But I've spoken to so many people who are in relationships that they don't want to be in, or that they're tolerating, or that are physically or emotionally or mentally in some way self destructive or toxic or unhealthy or whatever, or not self destructive, but destructive. And again, this is just my experience, and this is not an opinion what I'm about to say,

this is my experience. My experience has been that most of the people that have spoken to me in confidence about their relationships over the last forty years have said negative things about their partners, not positive. Most of them are complaining or regretting or resenting. Now I'm not you know, maybe I've got a really skewed sample. Maybe my research pool is very skewed. But I've trained fucking thousands of humans and women, old, young, different, different fucking you know,

religions and cultures and demographics. And there ain't many people who talk to me about their partner and say amazing, positive, glowing things. And that always made me nervous, like I'm like, wow, what would my girlfriend or my wife be saying? You know so? And I don't think I really consciously, and yes, I realized that there are also before anyone sends me an email, my mum and dad have been married, happily

ish forever. So's Vinn, my mate and so's Greg. And of course there are lots of happy people, and maybe happy people just don't talk about their relationships. I don't know, but that and I realized that that negativity and that I'm going to say something I've never said on this

show before, but it's just true. And the amount of married women that would be let's just say somewhat inappropriate in their conversation with me, will just leave it at that, over like years and years, like I would not want my wife talking that way to the bloke at the gym, do you know what I mean? Without me being too overt,

it's like, oh, oh you're bare. No, no, I'm good, thank you, you know, and you know, and of course that was not the majority of women, but you know, you train thousands of people over like I used to do sixty sessions a week for years. Well that's three thousand sessions a year, three thousand times a year I was one on one with someone. You do that for well fifteen years, that's forty five thousand sessions you do it for I did it for thirty years. You know

what is that ninety thousand sessions? I mean I've had I would say in the proximity of one hundred thousand conversations, a lot of them one on one, and you know, it's like, yes, so you get a really good insight into the good and bad, you know that, And like the truth is and again I'm just sharing my experience. It might I may have a skew sample, and you know, but but yeah, I think that, you know, what is

true is not always what we want to hear. I personally believe that, you know, happiness is not about are you single, are you married? Are you I think it's much more than that. But I think the the you know, the the overarching goal for the majority of people is something like I want to be happy. I want to be safe, I want to be calm, I want to be financially okay, I want someone who loves me. I want to be in a healthy relate. All those normal things,

and they're all good things. But if we be really brave and courageous and honest and we look around, that's not that's not the norm. Like, that's not you know, happy, fulfilling, healthy relationships. That's more of the exception than the rule, I think. And of course, you know, no one wants to say that or hear that, but it's like, well,

I don't I don't know. But at the same time, I also know I know lots of people who are somewhere between pretty happy and really happy in their relationships, and of course I acknowledge I don't know how we got onto this, but of course I acknowledge that they're even in great relationships, there are going to be good days and shit days. I'm not talking about that. But so I don't know that, you know, Like, for you,

I think there's more pressure on girls. You know, you're a forty year old whatever, forty year old attractive single woman, you know, And I would imagine there's been for the last forty or not forty twenty years, there's been versions of, oh but you're such a good catch here for you know whatever, if I have one more person, obviously I'm a little past it now. I'm a fucking geriatric. I've got one eye on the finish line and the other on my fucking my poli.

without understanding their values what's important. I remember years and years ago someone I went to school with, one of their cousins, was dating someone who was a total like he even tried to hit on me sitting right next to him in a car, and I'm thinking, how can they be with this person when sure everybody would have to know how unfaithful they are, And he just blatantly did that, And then my friend and I remember years later thinking about it and going whim, like, they've got

kids in their head like that, Why is my version of what's right and wrong in a relationship more important than like they've got this whole life going on. Maybe that's better. Maybe they've got a better life than me. And I'm miserable, miserable and single with trust issues and fuckingang.

would have been a good dad. I don't know. It's all theoretical and it's all hypothetical, and it probably doesn't matter, you know, but i'd I'd rather have not been a husband than ended up being a shit husband that got divorced, you know, so, and I'm may very well have been that. I don't know. I don't even know if I would be.

I mean, I haven't had a girlfriend for I don't know, fifteen years, like fucking count the issues everyone, you know, I feel like I'm dad to about one hundred people, though I'm like, I'm like a lot of people's big brother or dad, and I'm you know, I guess I'm all right with that.

with the mum. You know that is not a terrible thought.

marriage was this well one, there'd be no divorce. Well, that ain't the case. And if marriage was some kind of an answer to a problem, then everyone that's married would be happy, And clearly that's not the case. Neither is that to say that marriage is the cause of misery. It's just that we assign meaning to certain things, like we're you know, I've had people who really have literally overtly felt and expressed sorrow because I'm single. Save your sorrow, bro.

It's all right, I'm you know, it's like that's kind of almost offensive, you know, without even going by the way, are you happy? You know? Are you happy? And it's like people find it hard to believe that you could be a single dude and not in any hurry to be in anything, and to to have platonic girl friends, right but actual friends. There's no bullshit. There's no you know, fucking on the side and pretending to be friends. Like it's it's like people go because every guy must be

you know, maybe some but maybe not all. Maybe you know, maybe you know, and I just for me, I find it like I don't know why, but I've always had in that space, in that romance, even that that you know, when you're a young dude and let's just go, opportunities present themselves. Let's say that, right, Very few times, not never, but very few times did I did I take those opportunities without getting too specific, because I knew, well one I didn't, you know, like I didn't feel that way

about that person. If all I want wanted was you know, fucking, which wasn't all I wanted? Right then, that was at times available as it is with a lot of people. And I know that, yes, you know, with this getting too weird or deep, everyone feel free to jump out.

But I always I always thought about you know, after, like tomorrow though, like what's going to happen, and I'd go, no, like I the amount of you know, yeah, just I don't want to sound like a fucking idiot, but the amount of options that I did not take up was

a lot, a lot, you know. And also I worked in the fitness industry and I was around young people and there was lots of socializing and it was just that kind of you know, it was the eighties, it was the nineties, it was whatever, and yeah, but I just always thought things through and I went, that wouldn't end well for you. For me, it's not a great thing, I know right now in the moment, which is why I never drank beer, which is why I never did booze,

which is why I've never been drunk. It's why i've never been high, It's why i've never you know, without being whatever, gotten anyone pregnant. It's why it's just because I I just I think through the consequences and I go Yep, that might feel good. This might be a fucking amazing hour or night, and right now it might seem like a fucking awesome idea. My Dick is just super excited about the prospect. But I'm like, no, I just I just know what's to come too much.

Young Jamie's nineteen. I spent every day on with these young people, and I'm with you know, and I know what goes on, and it's not fucking They're not at church every night, you know, and that's cool. They're not seeking the Lord on their knees reading the gospels like I was. Remember Remember also from nineteen to twenty four, I was serving the Lord. I was getting higher on the Messiah fire, you know. I was just banging on

the Bible, bro. So you know, I literally did not have any physical intimacy for five years, like nothing, not even nothing, I mean.

wanted to learn. I wanted to I wanted to learn about who I was, beyond my body and my urges and my bullshit, my ego, and I wanted to learn what you know, for me, the attraction of the New Testament anyway is love and kindness and forgiveness and understanding and the Old testament's a little bit more brutal. But you know, and I wanted to be that. I was always and I still want to be that. I still want to be a good human doing good things for people.

But you know, I'm a flawed human like everyone I know, Like I've got bullshit and I've got false but you know I didn't. I didn't. I've spoken about this. I did, you know a podcast not long ago, I think it was called Do I Believe in God? Or something? And yeah, it's just like for me, there was just things that were happening within the group that I was in. Let's just say that, which to me were out of alignment with the alleged values and mission and you know, theology

and philosophy of the church. And it's not like all these people were terrible. So I left the terrible people because I'm better. It wasn't that. And also I was questioning and I was doubting. And you know the thing is when you're in any group, you know, any group which has a particular ideology or philosophy or in this case, theology, you are required two toe the theological, philosophical or psychological line. You're required to toe the line to remain a member

of the group. That's how you're in the group. This is what we do, This is what we think, This is how we pray, this is how we live. These are our values. And we all agree with this, and we all live in the theological echo chamber, and everybody who ain't in our echo chamber is wrong. And I've lived in a few echo chambers in my life. I've lived in training ones, nutritional ones, social ones, religious ones. And I really think growth and personal development and evolution

starts when you can not necessarily get well. When you can get out of the echo chamber, you might leave the echo chamber, go on your own quest and realize that those values are your values. But learning, you know, there's a big haasm between learning how to think and being told what to think. And I encourage everyone to learn how to think, to ask questions, to doubt, to question. You know, for sure, have beliefs, but question those beliefs and don't do what Craig says because you like Craig

and you trust me. Like if you'd like me and trust me, thank you, that's I value that. But you know, take things for a test drive, learn your own truth, arrive at your own conclusions, uncover your own treasure, be your own person, don't belong to a group, think, don't join a psychological cult, you know. And this is like, this is really important for our own growth is to be able to recognize our own bias and recognize our own fear that keeps us trapped in a group, be

that social, theological, political, whatever. And it's hard because that at time means you're going to be an outlier and an outsider, and that means people are not going to like you because you don't agree with them, and people want you to agree with them, you know. So she we've covered some vast ground today.

made you make decisions about the other urges. Whether we know about the booze about drugs, about about.

it'll be yesterday. As people hear this one called delaying or the value of delaying gratification, And for me, that's always been a constant challenge, is to not succumb to that quick fix, whether it's whatever you know. But I think I also think that for me, and I don't say this insincerely, but because I am not innately wildly talented and all of those things, great genetics, all that shit, I I realized earlier that I had to have discipline.

If I didn't have discipline or self control, at least initially until I built habits that aligned with my who and how I wanted to be, but at least initially to be able to exercise self control, and like when you're a twenty twenty twenty one two three four year old dude and you never have sex. It's constant discipline. It was for me because your body is like full of testosterone, Like my body is like, what the fuck are you doing? Like this is not normal?

feel like it serves a positive purpose. But if it's just like you and me sitting in where I am now in my office, for example, and me talking about, for example, the the fear that I have, it's not overwhelming. I would say it's just normal and healthy for anyone

who loves their parents. But the fear that I have around the next one two three years of my parents' journey, right, I could sit and talk to you about all of that in depth, but I know it wouldn't help because I wouldn't come out the other side feeling better because it's not going to change what's going to happen in the next one two three years. So I'm very cognizant. I'm very practical. There are times when I worry more

than other times. I look at it, you know, try to look at it through a practical lens and say, all right, well, they ain't going to get any better, So how do I love them, look after them, protect them, and you know, spend makers whatever time they have as good as possible. So I try to get out of my own fear and self pity and all of that, and just invest my energy where I think it's gonna give everyone a better return. So well, it must be time to go and lift something.