Cookie alps. What's going on?
You haven't mentioned my new headphones?
Yeah, what is going on? What? Let me hang on? Let me put on my specs because I I just realized you don't have the big buffers over there? What are they? They look like you look like you're a uh, one of those people who take orders at a fast food outlet. I was just thinking, how do I say this? I'm gonna no, they look kind of fancy though. What are they?
They're just little ones that will go over your ears. They're just hear. But it's weird because I'm used to having the noise canceling ones. So there's this whole sensory circus going on inside my head right now.
See I might do better with those. I might do better with those. What so just describe to people. So normally Tiff wears the big buff headphones, as do I sometimes, but really.
Quite comfort ones that muff over both of your ears, that's the usual get up. I bought these ones because I liked the idea of well, I was thinking about playing with the virtual background, which normally annoys me because the gaps in between your head and the headphones cut. The picture cuts in and out. Just like your hand is right now as you move the microphone that can't
be seen. You know, it's weird. So I thought I'd get these and just have a crack and also, all right, they just look better, but also they're just so they're buds that hook over my ear because I wanted the wire is everyone's still here with us listening. I wanted the wire to not be hanging in the front of my face, and so the ears it has to hook over your ear and then the wire has to come out of the back bit of the hook, not the front, not the bar.
What make they? A'm googling them? This is terrible podcasting? That fuck? What's new?
They were? What are they? A Ventry Resolve They're really they just bought them. They're really cheap ones. They like thirty spell a Vanry A the A n t r ee Resolve open ear earphones, a.
Van Try Resolve open ear wired open earbuds. Is that then, oh that's the ones twenty six bucks.
Yeah, and so they just sit and they don't block your ears. So like the bone conducting ones that you've seen me wear at the gym and told me I looked like the call taker.
These me a pair, and I'll just give you the cash because I'm shit at buying things online. Sure, sure you can even put a bit of markup on it? What did you you can go? Ah? That was thirty five? What can I say?
Plus postage in handling.
If anyone else wants a pair, just email TIFFs, She'll get them.
Can I tell you a funny story about them getting delivered? So I got them delivered and I went downstairs and there were two parcels from and I ripped them open. And last week i'd been looking up someone was talking about the book by Robin Sharma. I think as this meditation, this Buddhist monk book. Anyway, I'd looked it up, I'd googled it. And I ripped open the package and the book has arrived, and I'm like, oh, oh, I must
have ordered it. I can't remember ordering the book. I must have orded a book because I googled him last week. And then this morning, as I was leaving the apartment block, there's a big sign on the window and I was like, what was I saying? It's got says warning. The picture of two parcels is like people are coming down the driveway and stealing our parcels. My Amazon parcel got stolen, and then I rushed upstairs and looked at the package that I hadn't read and it wasn't my book.
You fucking thief. So you're the.
Can you believe that it's a book that I? And I was like just assumed I'd bought it. So I had to write a little love letter and say, hey, Apartment six, sorry I accidentally flogged your book, but here's a bird story.
Yeah. So have you connected with them? Have you spoken to them?
No, it's currently this was just this morning, and it's when I got home just before. It's still leaning against her door, or so she'll she'll come home.
And what are the chances that you and her would order the same book?
Well? I didn't order the book, but because I've been having a bit of a field day on online shopping lately, because when you're in the dumps, what else do you do? There's been stuff just rocking up left, right and center.
What's the biggest bullshit you've ever bought? I've never bought anything online, which is partly because I'm old. Actually that's the whole reason. Actually, that's all of it. I was trying to think of another reason. I'm old, what's the dumbest shit? It's probably something you bought with Patrick. Was it that.
Sonic toothbrush? But here's another one of sitting right here. But I've only got part of it. I was looking at the heated gloves you can buy. I'm like, I get some of these, and.
Are you talking about for your motorbike or just general getting about.
Originally I was looking for the motorbike, but then I saw it could get thin ones right, so the us B charged and then your hands stay warm. I thought these would be great in the gym, and then I found some for like thirty bucks. I thought, this is great, there's a way cheap bucuse that one's one hundred bucks. They rock up and they're just fingerless knitted gloves. And if you look here that I'll describe to the audience. There's just two and they have to be plugged into work,
so they're not USB chargeable. They just charge when you're at your computer. And there's just this square thing that sit that you stick velkrows to the inside of this stupid knitted glove. And I was like, I totally got jibbed. That is not what you portrayed this product to be online.
You totally did get jibbed. Okay, So what's the best thing you've ever like, you know, where some and under promises and over deliver and you unwrapped it and you went, fuck, this is awesome, or maybe it just met your expectations. By the way, how often do you buy something online?
I just go through little stages, you know. Sometimes I'm just laying in better in the morning and next minute Facebook churns out a bit of rubbish. You're like, oh, what's that. I've bought a lot of pit toys like that little cat, little cat doos? I did you see your cat having so much fun? And you're like, oh that, look at all that fun. Love that. So she gets a lot of toys like that.
You could give bear an empty milk cart and then she'd have a great time for two days.
She normally loves the box that things come in more than the toys.
Exactly, exactly, like a two year old. Yeah, all right, you still, we've got to get on with our show because I actually have a topic but or something I want to discuss. What's the best thing that you've got online that didn't disappoint well?
I don't know.
Really, Well, they've got they've got to be up. There is a good sound those headphones.
Well, well it's weird because I can hear my voice now, whereas before I'm used. I'm just used to it, so they're good. But I'm just used to the noise canceling headphones covering your whole ear. So now I can hear my voice not just feeding back through the headphones, but also leaking into my normal ear. It's weird.
So you can hear yourself both through your ears like just normally in the room noise, and also through the actual headphones themselves.
Yeah. Yeah, it always throws me. It's a bit like when you get microphone to speak and I'm used to, like I said to you at events, and I'm used to hearing through the headphones my voice, and then all of a sudden You've got to gauge how loud is this? Am I? Is the microphone working? Am I too loud?
I don't know why I'm resistant headphones because I did radio for twenty years with headphones, and then as soon as I realized I could do podcasts without them, disbanding them. Hey, so, how by the way, why do you look so good today, Like, have you had a date or something this morning?
Thanks? No, Actually, I've just got a normal item of clothing on. It's not a muscletop or a gym top. That's the difference.
No, that's not true, because you have faces all different. You look like you've been made up.
No, same as the same as normal, but none. Eight blue eyeline and our same true story.
Thanks you look maybe it's because you don't have your doubts and your biceps hanging out like a.
Dude and my big headphones.
I what month is your birthday?
It's May? May, the first May day, May Day? Here she comes.
That's right, So you turned forty one just last May, right, a couple of months ago. Yeah, okay, So here's what I want to tell you, and this is our stepping off point for our conversation today. You are statistic forty one. So May is the fifth month, eleventh. So in November, let's be more accurate. In November, you are going to
be statistically at the halfway mark of your life. Statistically, because the average AUSSI female lives to eighty three now, and we know that also statistically, the last five to ten years might be shited. Do you think about where you are ever in the context of your life span? The reason for this is actually I'll shut up. Do you think about that?
Maybe not as a linear what percentage of the way through? Am I? I remember looking at one of those calendars once before where you put the dots with dots on each day and it's got what I can't remember what that's called. Is that a stoic calendar?
Not sure?
I feel like it's something to do with stoicism, but I but I do think about life and progress and where I'm at, maybe kind of with my goals and financially and lifestyle, and do what is this? Is this version of life? The version of life that I want when I'm fifty or when I'm sixty and beyond. I think of all that, probably overthink of all that really.
So I had a conversation the other day with a lady. Her name's Lil Sorry, Lil litl sixty four? Also sorry.
Sorry she's sixty four or sorry, no, I'm sorry.
I don't think she'll well, too late, too late now, I don't think she'll mind. But I've known her for a long time. I've known her for maybe thirty years. She used to be a client back in the days when I was training people, and then she went and got qualified as a trainer herself, then started to train and pad or still trains people. Does a great job, got a great business, all that, But there's some stuff that she, like all of us, me, me included, she
needs to address and change. And you know, she's been back and forwards with stuff and making decisions and doing stuff then undoing it and making them and unmaking them, and anyway, we're talking about this whole kind of you know, like when do we get really fucking serious about that thing? And do we ever get really serious? And like what has to happen for us to make a decision that
we don't unmake, you know? And why do we simultaneously know that we shouldn't do that thing because it's bad for our health, our mind, our lifestyle, our sleep or whatever. But we do it. We consciously choose to do that. I'm not talking about you who's fit, lean, strong, and it's a bit of chocolate. I'm talking about people who, you know, like, for a range of reasons, kind of do stuff which is quite detrimental to their physical, mental,
and emotional health. No judgment in here, just curiosity. And what was interesting was we're talking about this and like I said, sixty four so statistically she's got nineteen years to go. Now. I know this sounds morbid, but I think sometimes this is going to sound maybe even counterintuitive, but I think sometimes the way to get the most out of life is to think about death. In that, I said, and I got out the salt shakers and
the sugar which were on the table. We're at the Hamptons, we're chatting, doing a coaching session, and so I put one salt shaker and I went, this was when you were born. This is and then you know, kind of quite a way across the table, this is where we are now, and then not far from there, where she's going to be. And when you look at it as a line and you go, here's sixty four years and
here's the nineteen years you've got left. And she went and because there was almost well not almost, because there was this like visual representation, it really fucked with her head a little bit. Well that's really depressing, I go, Well, not, I go, it just is what it is. I said. Even if I'm let's say I'm normal, I'm typical. Who knows I could live longer or shorter. I'm not sure. But if I am typical, I'm seventy five percent through my life, because for dudes, it's about eighty and I'm sixty.
So that's not being morbid, that's not being negative or pessimistic, that's just going in fact, if anything, it makes me want to do more, think better, create better. How do I optimize me if I've only got twenty years left, which I hope I have more, But if I've only got twenty years, how do I make those fucking great? You know? And I think the having a kind of an awareness of your mortality without being morbid, you know,
without being sad or negative. You know, I think it can actually help us embrace the now and the living, you know, like we're every single one of us, every day is getting older. You know. It's like I Googled this morning. I'm not googled. I just before I chat GPT because I couldn't be bothered doing the numbers, including
leap years and shit. And from when I was born my date of birth until today is twenty two thousand, two hundred days today, like twenty two thousand, two hundred so if we figure that out as like, well, that's three quarters of my journey, then I've got maybe seven thousand and a bit more days, right, And you go, oh fuck. Then all of a sudden, you're like, because
that doesn't seem like that many. You know, it's a few, but you know, and I just think that having that context out, you know, thinking about health span, thinking about lifespan, thinking about what I might do whatever age I am at, whether I'm forty one like you, or sixty like me, or sixty four like lil like between now and when I leave this mortal coil, as Mary Harper calls it, when I go home to the big fella, As Mary says, I don't know if there is a home or a
big fellow, but let's just cross our fingers, our etherorial fingers, and like, what what can I do to make the next whatever it is, five ten, twenty, thirty, forty years better than it might have been if I just continue on my current trajectory? You know, do you ever think about all that stuff?
Oh? Heaps? And you know what, even lately I've been very reflective on right, because also understanding what our values are and what relationship we have with our circumstances is very, very challenging and difficult moment to moment because it evolves, but we hold on to what was once our current
way of thinking. So we learn something about ourselves, we learn how we understand something and relate to it, and then we hold that and then we live life and it evolves on us, sometimes without taking our conscious mind with it. So this week especially, I've been thinking about because you know, we talked last time about my body's not responding to things, you know, like I'm having it.
I'm having a lot of physical, mental, and emotional ebbs and flows lately, and it's hard, and training is hard, and I'm like, Okay, what do we need And to step away from the intensity of boxing and training the way I love to train that makes me feel better, just to surrender to that and take up some yoga for a while. I've had to actually also reflect on, hang on, what's your attachment to these things and changing
it for now. It doesn't mean changing it forever, but your resistance to it maybe means that you've you've come back to an unhealthy attachment or an identity with it and the way I identify.
Hmmm, Wow, that's interesting. Yeah, I was thinking, if my life is a one foot ruler, I'm three inches from the end. Oh, that's fucking scary, isn't it.
It is? And also the idea that that's that's kind of best case scenario.
Yeah.
And also with every day that passes, the ability for life, quality of life, yes, is statistically going to be lower. So to make the assumptions that I'll just do all this work and then I'll and then at this point I'll go and live, bask and whatever. The book that I love, I think I've mentioned it before, and it's not exactly this topic, but it's philosophies are the same. It's called Die with Zero, and it talks about money and finances.
Wow.
It talks about how to live life, creating memories not material things and understand it's actually I think it's a really great book. And even on this topic finances aside, I think it gets your mind relating to life a little bit differently.
Hmmm. That is well, that is quite a philosophical and almost spiritual kind of perspective to take, and I like it. Will you think about and I know with this as old ground, but you know, we're all I won't say all, but most of us listening to this event taught and told and trained that success is about things. You know that as you and I were talking about before, when I was talking to you about the upcoming works of workshops that I'm doing, we're talking about the background and that.
But like we're taught that success is about what you have and what you earn and what you own. And you know, what you look like and where you live and your money and you and how many people kind of have ticked a lot of those boxes and in the middle of it, and you experienced this last week where you were just having a shit week and nothing shit was going on. Yeah, and you know, I've lately,
I've had a couple of not shit days. But I've said to you and I don't you know, nothing not depression or but just like, sometimes the way I feel is not reflective of what's going on in my life because for the most part, my life is somewhere between good and fucking great, you know, but we're all human and normal. And then you like, how many people do we know as they go through their life and they
have in that backdrop of thinking that is successes. And I'll be successful when I'll be happy, when I'll be fulfilled when and then they get there, or they get a version of there, or they get to the top of the mountain, as we've spoken about a bit lately, and they're like, oh, fuck, I'm on the wrong mountain. It's over there.
Yeah. It's having an awareness on a deeper meaning. And I remember reflecting on a friend of mine as opposed to mine. Is the way I am with savings and money and financial security and her way and with polar opposites, you know. But she has had experience after experience, and she has traveled extensively and always has the means to do that, but doesn't have the financial security. And part of me envies that of her, but he is very
aware that I could do that. But something inside of me that probably needs a whole lot of unpacking and work just cannot allow me to to live. I have this thing, and I think it's security, abandonment, loss. There's some deep stuff that goes on inside me that probably needs unpacking, Goddess to know where to start, but it prevents me from surrendering to a way of life will probably be more rewarding at times.
Wow, that is very brave of you to say that, very very self aware. Like I think when there's a thing that we think we maybe should do or could do, or might be a better version of our current existence, and we don't do it, and we consciously don't do it, you know, it's because, Yeah, that's surrendering. I love that, But it's a fear thing. It's like, what's the fear. Fear is I guess that life will be worse, that
you'll be a kind of vulnerable. That's bad, you know, and it is it's all well and good to talk about. Like it's easy to talk about this stuff, isn't it. Vulnerability? You know, surrendering and like living your best life and you know, serving others and having a purpose bigger than you and all of these things that we talk about a lot. And I believe all of those things, and I teach those things, and half the time I'm all of it, and half the time I'm the opposite, you know.
It's like half the time I'm a fucking idiot, And I'm like, I know that this stuff is true, that I can be so selfish in the moment or even I don't know, maybe not unaware. I think I actually know, but I've just you know, I'm just in avoidance or denial.
Yeah, but there's a difference between understanding the concept and I think people who struggle with stings in any given time throughout their life are the ones who understand it and articulate it better. I know, I can articulate things that I still feel like I forever grapple with and I've made progress in some areas, but in the most meaningful areas of my life, it's still an ever present challenge.
And you know, the inner critic wants to call that being a fraud, but the reality is no leaps in bounds. It's just self awareness, and it's everybody.
Why do you think that we do things which in the moment Maybe I'm answering the question in the question, but anyway, why do we do things which kind of make us feel great in the moment, but we know that over the long term it's going to fuck us up, or it has the potential to fuck us up. Like, why do we have that right now mentality? Why are
we all about instant gratification? Why do we find it so hard to go to be able to deny ourselves something in the moment to create something better over the long term.
I think we're driven by our chemical makeup. We're driven, right, So we're driven for things. So where there's the thinking us and then there's the beast of a body that we live inside that has been given the means to give us chemistry that creates behavior and outcome. And so we can know like I know that that six minute walk to that beautiful cookie shop I discovered last week that I've been to four times since. I know that's not the answer, but in the moment, that is the answer.
Well, I mean, if you were you could rationalize it, you know the power of now, Well it's now, You've got to be in the moment and here I am, me and the cookie in the moment, you can all get rooted. Like this is the dichotomy is because on the one hand, we don't want to be living in the past the future, but and we do want to be in the present. But the reality is, you know, we're going to have a lot a lot more present moments moving forward, let's hope. I think it's it's trying
to get trying to get the balance. And also, you know, for somebody like you who trains virtually every day and who other than the chocolate and the cookies. You know, your diet is very very strict, you know, like it's it's not an issue for you. If you were morbidly obese or unhealthy, or pre diabetic or diabetic or and you were doing that, then that would be a problem.
But you ain't that, So I don't I think if it did get to a point where it was a real physical issue, a real health problem for you, I can't see you continuing that behavior.
No. And that's that's just awareness and flexibility. And sometimes I'm worse at it, and sometimes I'm really good and so and it's taken me a lot of years to be lenient on myself, and that's just because of the awareness that doing something and then having a horrific inner narrative about it is only creating more stress and angst in my system. So it's the ability to just do something and let it go and go, well, that's just information.
We're going to just observe that and be okay with it, and we'll make decisions each time those moments come up, and maybe one day the decisions will be different, but each time I'll just be curious about it. Each time, the cookie will be a delicious moment in the middle of that.
You know, so many times I've worked with people over the years who, you know, they did really well for a period of time a week, two weeks, three weeks, four weeks, five weeks, and then they had a let's just call it a stumble or a fuck up. You know, they went out and they ended up eating a pizza or they had they were having a shit day. So they ate four Tim Tams. And then because they opened the pizza door or the Tim Tam door, then they go, ah,
now I've fucked it, I've fucked it. And then there's this cascade of shitty behavior, you know, because they think that they undid four weeks of good behavior with four Tim Tams. And I always say, you know, the Tim Tams ain't the problem. It's the emotional and psychological and behavior reaction and your story after the for Tim Tams, you know, not great, but no one's dying from for
Tim Tams, especially after four weeks of great behavior. But it's like, maybe, you know, and this is something that for me is important because I personally I'm a bit all or nothing and we all know that, but I would not recommend all or nothing for most people, you know. It's it's like, I've never drunk, I've never been high. I don't eat cake, I don't eat cookies, I don't
eat you know. But maybe, like I think I've got it right for me, but I think for a lot of people, my right would be there wrong, you know, like for you for example.
Yeah, and I'm all or nothing with some things but not with others. Like I don't drink very often at all. I drink less now simply because my sleep and my performance in life is so important and it gets impacted. But I also don't, for myself, believe that having a drink every now and then is a problem. And some people like to cut it out completely and go nat never again, and I go, well, no, because there's also
for me, I think sometimes there's benefits. Sometimes I think, gee, if my sleep wasn't packing it in lately, there's times when I'll be like, gee, I wish I could just have a glove wine and chill out, you know, for one night this week or something, because I know that the impact of having a glass of something and just being able to let go a little bit and just
relax there is that experience to that. Which I don't think is we don't have to always frame that as being escapism, which a lot of people who have overcome their own relationship with alcohol would like to point to everyone and go, well, that's escapism. It's like, well, no, that's not what my relationship is with that.
Yes, well that's exactly that. That's a significant factor. Be it with food, be it with booze, you know, be it with whatever, sex, gambling. It's like, how does that thing, that variable impact your life, your health, your mindset? You know, Like even something like exercise can be destructive if people get to the point where it's all they fucking think about, and it's you know, they exercise five hours a day
despite all of these negative consequences. You know. I think it's called athletic and nevosa, you know, where people just lose their ship and that just becomes a new addiction. So, like, anything can be destructive. You know. It's like buying shit online,
as we were talking about. For some people that's just a really intelligent, convenient option, and it means they don't have to jump in the station wagon and pack in two kids and go to the supermarket and it's like, let's order that ship and just it arrives, you know, as long as Tiff doesn't get her hands on it
because she's stealing, don't. Yeah, you know, but but it's that just that ability to be able to understand, you know, when and if like, you know, what's that Lady's name is Sarah gray Batch, great, Sarah Russbatch, Sarah sorry, Sarah, yeah, yeah,
Sarah ruspat Yeah. And she talks about that gray area drinking where it really starts, not necessarily an alcoholic, but kind of heading in the direction and where you've got to have enough self awareness to be able to encourage, I guess to recognize, well, you know, maybe I'm not a falling down drunk, but at the same time, this is not making my life any better. Yeah, you know, I was going to say about four months ago, maybe
five months ago now. I went up and I saw Ron and Mary, my mum and dad for those who don't know, and we went out for dinner. And Ron just turned eighty five, so he was, you know, eighty four and a half in a bit, and I was just I hadn't seen them for a couple of months, and I was shocked, don't tell my dad this everyone. I was shocked how bad he was walking and he's you know, like his balance and his I'm like, oh god, it's like he got two years older in two months.
But what is amazing as we're talking about hell span and lifespan and function and quality of life and longevity. So that week I committed to being able to try to not fix it because I can't fix it, but to help him empower, support and courage finance to fix it. So I got the amazing Josh Whittaker shout out to Josh, who's an exose physiologist who lives up near mom and dad. He's working with dad once a week. We joined him
up to a gym. I'm going up on Saturdays and he's going to the gym himself once a week now, so three times a week, the now eighty five year old. And what's fucking amazing is he is I mean he's still eighty five and he doesn't move like a teenager, but he is so much better than he was six months ago. Like he's stronger, his balance is better, he's walking, his confidence, his gait, you know, his stride length, his
general stability, like everything is better. And you think he's an eighty four and a half eighty five year old now who's doing something that most people, even at fifty five, are like, oh, I'm too old to go to the gym. You know, he's gone to the gym three days a week and he's improving significantly, and not only is he getting stronger and better balance, but also you know, the quality of life is better. Like a month and a half two months ago, I got him a stick and
he was walking with a walking stick. He's not walking with a stick anymore because he doesn't need it, like you know, so I guess the that's none of that is a surprise to you, tif but to our listeners, it's like, your body is really fucking adaptable, and when even if you think you're pass it and you might not make the Olympic team, and you might not run a marathon and you might not do twenty chinups, but anything is better than nothing.
You know, And I think point out the things that aren't just the physical work he's doing, but now he has two people that come and connect and also the words that you choose to use when you're speaking to him, Like I'm so mindful of listening to both myself and my client's dialogue around how we talk about life and movement and progress and everything. I'm very aware that that's
the stuff that gets embedded. There's your sixty minutes with him, and then there's the words that embed themselves unbeknowns to him, that linger in his mind. And also just that moment of connection where there's two guys rocking up, playing a part and giving him a bit of purpose and then he starts to see progress. There's so much that's not just stress.
One hundred percent. Oh yeah, I love that. Yeah, And you know what, like my dad's language, I love language is words of affirmation. So it's very easy to make him feel loved. Yeah, because he is progressing and he is doing a good job, and I am proud of him, and you know, I do pump up his ties and I tell him how strong he's getting, and I tell
him how much better he's moving. And it's a better range of movement, and he's more skillful, and he's doing all the movements, you know, way better than he wasn't like, And so I don't even have to I don't have to manufacture it or try I just need to literally report, you know, and so there's yeah, you're right, sociological, psychological, emotional,
and physiological benefits and that. And also we know that as you're alluding to, like spending time with a couple of guys that you know, Josh and myself even though i'm his son, Like spending time with people who care about you and want the best for you. It's it's healing, Like it's literally boosts your immune system. It's literally good
for your brain chemistry. You know, on top of the dopamine that you get and the cognitive benefits that you get from lifting weights, there's also the oxytocin that your body is producing when there's a bit of love going on.
Yeah. Yeah, I think that over time, you know, with doctor Bill and reflecting on how I came to the point where one day I just realized this is this has actually got my progress has nothing to do with what we talk about, and everything to do with the role that he plays when he shows up regularly into my world and the relationship we have and helping knows me.
So it's not the work we do. And I think my awareness on that at some point again unconsciously transferred over into me realizing that was my role with my clients is that I show up and it's not one given session, it's who are they, who do they need and how can I benefit them as well as just whatever they're lead present at the time.
But I tell you a secret, that's what I try to be for you, and I've always tried that well, I've always tried to be that for you. And so yeah, I can help you technically and give you you know, all that, but also for you to have I don't mean this to sound weird. I've never said to this to you even like I've never said this to you, So this is a very public way to do it.
But I know that you've had a shit run with blokes, you know, and just to have a mail in your life that actually just wants the best for you, that doesn't want anything back, you know, just somebody who goes somebody hopefully that I hope there's a bit of trust and all that respect and all that, but that coming from somebody that you respect genuinely wants you to do well,
Like not not pretend, you know. I used to say to my clients my trainers all the time, care like, don't pretend to care, actually care, And if you don't actually care, do not do this job because people know, even if you say all the right things, if it's bullshit, people know, right.
Yeah, I literally had the conversation with him before this podcast. That was my appointment that I came straight out of. And I've talked about you being that literally, I'm not even just saying this. I was talking about how I relate to men and experience them, and how few of them are in the world where I will really lean in to any level of intimacy. Not physical intimacy obviously,
but just vulnerability. And you were one of two people I mentioned, and I said, and there's the people I love, but there's there's this invisible wall and this awareness and this guard that I will that I inherently can't drop.
Yeah, you know, thank you, Ah, pleasure, pleasure, I love. I love being able to contribute in a small way. But you know it's somebody reached out to me about a month ago. I can't say who, doesn't matter, but you've trained, You've trained with this person at the gym. I'll tell you who it was, but you know who it is a person who's come to the gym lately, and I've helped this person a bit right. And I saw them yesterday and I could tell they thinking, why
is he helping me? And I had to say I didn't have to, but I kind of I just said, I want you to know that, like I'm helping you because someone asks, someone that I know and care about asked, and someone that I trust, and and so that's why. And I said, I don't want anything, like I don't. I really don't want anything. You don't need to tell people that I'm helping you. You don't need to thank
me every time, you don't, you know. And it's like, and I don't always do that, and I'm not always that for people, and you can't be everything for everyone, but that you know that, and I guess even speaking
about it kind of negates it. I'm not, I'm which is kind of silly, but I'm you know that whole Like the Bible talks about when you give, don't let your left hand know what your right hand's doing, like when you can genuinely come from that place And I don't always, but I try to where you're just like caring about someone and loving someone and being being maybe what that person needs. You know, you know, there's yeah, there's a whole bunch of that going on at the moment.
And it's like when I because I can be a selfish, self centered dick for a range of reasons, but I'm always aware of or trying to be self aware in that space and that being that because it's so it's so easy in this self help, personal growth, health wellness online you know, to be cheesy and bullshitty and say all the stuff that is not actually when you pull the curtain back, it's not true.
Yeah, last night at my Buddhist meditation class, the topic and I'd missed the week before, so I didn't get the first of the series. It was a series of a topic, and the topic was understanding, So they were unpacking love what and differentiating between attachment and that. They talked about three types of love, but the one they
talked about last night was affectionate love. And just listening to that and it's funny because as I was listening and taking in the things that they were speaking of, and there's this ability to love someone unconditionally like a mother likes a child. But just what was funny for
me is going, what do I associate with love? Because I've found it for years, to say I love you to people that I love, or to let them know that I love them felt so loaded, so loaded with expectation and something that I that I didn't I wasn't
brave enough to say. And yeah, I think just listening and going, oh, like it's okay to when if I say I love you to someone that I'm not putting any expectation or want on them, there's and I think that for me, this discomfort is around well people, if you allow someone to be in your world and connect with you on you lay yourself to be vulnerable, then you don't have any boundaries and they get to take from you or they get to You're allowed you. You're
saying yes to whatever they want. It's just weird. It was just like going on stuff coming up. This is not on the other.
Do you remember the other I know maybe they didn't talk about it, but three kinds of love affectionate love. Do you know what the others are?
I think one was cherishing love, cherishing love. I can't remember the descriptions. I remember affectionate love. And because it wasn't really about how you like affection, it was just it was about giving love just for love's sake and not not because you want. And what was interesting is because I think about people in relationships and how we
we most relationships have a version of attachment. We love with the conditions of I love you, but you need to behave like this because you know in relationships, especially you know intimate relationships, as monogamous relationships, there are expectations and kind of there are boundaries and rules spoken or unspoken.
And I was finding a lot coming up querying, well, how do we navigate how do people navigate those relationships if we just love unconditionally, Like, how do we how do we love ourselves and then be okay with whatever? I don't know, goods debt.
Yeah, I was trying to find that there's a scripture that's always read out. Sorry, everyone's bore you with scriptures, but it's a bit of my background. It's like it's known as like the wedding passage in Corinthians. What is it? It's like, Yeah, lover's patient. Love is kind, Love does not envy or boast. Love is not eric and or rude. It does not insist on its own way. Love is not irritable or is zemful. It does not rejoice it wrongdoing,
but rejoices in the truth. And it's like where love lives, there is no fear and all this it goes on. But it's like, yeah, that like love is not a strategy, you know. Sometimes that's why love is like loving is.
It's it's vulnerable, like you you know. I was listening to these two ladies talk on a podcast, right, and they're talking about when you send a message to someone and you put and it could be like just like I often will put a kiss at the end if I'm sending it to a mate, but it's like or a heart, Like if I send Patrick messages because we know each other well, I'll often put kiss, kiss or
heart or whatever. Right, When you send a message to someone and you send two kisses and they send a message back with no affection and you're like, oh, or they send a heart and you think, fuck, do I have to send a heart back because I don't know this person that well. Or you send the message which might be semi business or something, and you just put a heart at the end because that's your habit, and then you're like, oh, fuck, I just sent you know
that bloke from BHP. I'm doing a gig for I just send him a red heart, old mate at fucking head office, and I'm like, how do I undo this red heart that I just said? This dude, it's like these social kind of expectations or standards of with texting and messaging in the fucking electronic form.
So yeah, you don't know what people associate with that. I'm the same. I put kisses and hearts on the end of most messages and sometimes if I'm messaging some bloke or a client, I'm like, oh, I got to delete that. I'm like, oh, I don't want to send them out because you don't know how they're going to interpret it. Well, yeah, it flirty.
If i'm it's funny because if so my best mates, so you know Vin from school, Greg from my churchy days, the Crab of course, who I trained, like all of them, all of my mates Patrick all heart, They all get hearts and kisses. The Crab though, the bloke whose life I saved, the bloke I had my mouth on his mouth for eleven minutes trying to fucking bring him back from the dead. If I send him a heart, that'd be it'd be all over. He wouldn't know what he'd
have a fucking aneurysm. He wouldn't know what to do. I shouldn't joke about that. He wouldn't know what to do, you know. It's like yeah, yeah, And it was funny. When I passed my final academic milestone for my PhD, he taking he's taken. This one's sound interesting. I apologize, But for the crab, this is a fucking major emotional breakthrough. Like this is like, okay, this is big. Anyway, So he came to the gym the day, you know, we're training. That night I had my final review through the day.
I was really nervous. I was pretty sure I was going to fail. Anyway, I got through. I got through, I passed, and he's like, he came up and he gave me a hug. I'm like, who are you? Who's hijacked my friend's body? Like he's never ever given me a hug? And he goes, oh, I guess I better hug you then, and he gave me a hug. I'm like, and it's funny, like and it was clunky and awkward, but I fucking loved that hug. That's probably the only one I'm ever going to get, right.
I was just about to say that. Just savor that moment.
It's the fucking unicorn, that's the four leaf clover of hugs. That motherfucker is never happening again. So it's burned into my my cells, never letting it go.
It's funny because he's such a gentle soul that I wouldn't have picked him to be a non hugger. I would have actually picked the opposit. I would have picked him to be a real hugger. I think you tried to trick me once when I didn't know, and you will go give him a hug. He wants a hug and the look, but what was the Oh.
God, yeah, I fuck off with your hugs. And you know what else. He doesn't do compliments, compliments like has he ever said to you you look great? I mean you've met it a thousand times. No, No, he's never ever Not that I need it.
Maybe I've never looked great, so that puts an effort in next time.
He's funny, though, but he would think you look great. He just won't tell you. It's like my dad. It's been to the Ron Harper School of communication.
Well, it's not been that long since I started paying attention to the fact that, hey, Tiff, people don't do Like I said before, people don't know you love them unless you tell them. All the people that you love so deeply that you that are meaningful friends to you, most of them don't know. And you're always so busy that the amount of time you spend with them is going to indicate that you need to tell people.
Yeah, you know big Josh, who's been on the show it was on recently. I don't know how much I meant to say, but anyway, so he's been through a reasonably incht I'll tell you off fair but I can't. I can't without his permission share. But you know, so a kind of a good thing, not a bad thing, a good thing. And so I just sent him a message before because I haven't spoken to him for a
few weeks and like I love Josh, like Josh. If you met Josh in his heyday, Josh is a or was a you know, Australia's best body built one hundred and forty kilo giant muscles on muscles on muscles. But underneath all that, he's just a big baby that needs love, you know, not in a pathetic way, it's just you know, and him and I have a good relationship and I'm like a bit of a big brother to him, and you know, every now and then I just send him some love. I just go home, mate, thinking about you.
Hope you're great, hope you're healing up. I hope you're not in too much pain, and love your lots. And it's like three sentences and then he right, you know, And I just think it's good that men men and women too. But it can be a bit precarious when I send that kind of a message to women, and
it shouldn't be, but I understand it. But it's I think, like I'm more comfortable than ever I have been in my life with telling men that I love them and not like love ya and punch them on the shoulder, just go like the actual words, I love you, mate, and I'm here and if you need anything, and I'm not going away and I'm always going to be around for you the end, you know, And then it doesn't
need to be some big fucking emotional saga. But you can just say that, right and then if they reach out or don't reach out, you've done what you can do and you've said you know, I'm here for you. Yeah. For me, that's been very liberating. And I've always been reasonably huggy, touchy, not touchy that sounds bad, but reasonably
comfortable hugging my friends. But yeah, going to that next level where you actually say I love you, not love your punch on the arm, which is very Australian bloke, or love your mate, love your mate, you know all that but semantics, I guess. But yeah, so well, the bottom line is everyone go and hug someone, give them some love, and however old you are or young, you are back to our original discussion. Well I think the original discussion was headphones.
Fuck.
We've come a long way, haven't we. We've gone the full circle. I don't know. I really don't have any more news for you, or any more instructions or wisdom. Did I ever have any wisdom? If you want Tiff to come and work with your team, she's available, she'svailable, she's available for her speaking and coaching and workshops. And if you've got an even bigger budget, and so am I.
Ah sellah Kidney and you can have us both.
Chop half your leg all right, love you everyone. See I didn't say I love you I said love you. Have a good day everyone.
Thanks Stiff, Thanks Harms,