#1542 Terrified Of Being Wrong - Harps

I open these doors and go down these rabbit holes where I I spent a lot of time thinking about this stuff and writing notes and talking into my phone and recording audio messages, and so this is a little bit of a culmination of today and yesterday in between

other stuff. I've just been thinking broadly, I guess for a long time, I've been thinking broadly about why why people are so desperate to be right, and why we are so resistant to quite often and anyone or anything that doesn't agree with us or align with us, and why there is such a I don't know if it's more than ever, or it just seems like to me, maybe it's just because I'm thinking about it or more

aware of it or more focused on it. But a prevalence of confirmation bias, you know, echo chambers where people only listen to people who agree with them or support them, or have the same or similar ideology or philosophy or lifestyle or training method or religion or culture, or they basically hang out with either literally or metaphorically or virtually online.

They hang out with people who are essentially singing from the same hymn sheet because that makes them feel good about what they're doing and what they're saying, and what they're believing and what they're thinking. And we don't like

to be uncomfortable. And anyone that might have evidence or even a philosophy or ideology that doesn't agree with ours or align with ours, for many reasons that I'll unpack in a moment, could be considered to be some kind of adversary that we need to conquer or at the

very least disagree with or disdain or dispute. But imagine if we didn't imagine if imagine if we didn't have to be right, Imagine if we were okay with not knowing what, if we just went, I don't know, I don't know what is right, I don't know what is wrong in terms of that that topic or that conversation. And some will have very strong opinions and ideas on it. But some it's like, sometimes people ask me questions about things that I really don't have great knowledge or understanding of.

I really don't have the data. I don't have the

inside or the awareness or the knowledge. And there have been lots of times when I have felt on my journey, I've felt compelled to have an opinion about something I didn't fucking know about because my ego or my self esteem or I don't know, my need to please my people, pleasing default setting just kind of raised its ugly head, and so I had to appear like I knew something so I could contribute, because who wants to go, oh, geez, I don't know, especially when people look up to you

or think you know stuff right. My ego definitely doesn't want that. So it's been it's been a challenge for me because I've liked being right. And then, you know, this is one of the really hard things I think about,

you know, personal development, the journey. Not personal development the podcast or the book or the article or the video or the program or the course or the cliche or the poster, but personal development that is that is you developing, me, developing, improving, growing, becoming more aware, more evolved that whatever that means doing better things, creating better things, being more calm, more effective, becoming really becoming a better version of myself or yourself?

What does that even mean? And I guess over the years, there's probably been more than I don't even know, but hundreds of things that I knew. When I say new, I have that in inverted commas, that I knew that I was right about. And then over time those things that I was right about turns out I was wrong. I wasn't right at all, And but I truly believed that I was right right. I was quite defiant. But what had actually happened was I had confused believing with

knowing I didn't know. I actually didn't know. I just thought I knew. And I'd confused thinking I was right with actually being right. I didn't really know. I didn't know. I just thought I knew. And of course I always told myself. I always liked to believe that I was open minded, because that made me feel good about me.

And we all like to feel good about ourselves. We all want us, you know, think that we are open minded and we are objective, but honestly, and this is see, this is one of the tough things about this conversation is not fucking open minded and objective, because our experience of the world as individuals is a subjective interpretation of things that are going on. Now, does that mean that we have no capacity to be open minded about some things? No,

it doesn't. It doesn't. But what it does mean is when we know that, like, you know, one thing happens, and ten people are there, one thing happens in that three dimensional space, ten people witness it, or experience it, or are in the middle of it. Well, they don't all have the same interpretation. Therefore they don't all have the same individual experience. And so part of this whole you know, exploration is to think about what is real? What is real? And what is my version of real?

And why? What is this compulsion that I have to be right? And what is this compulsion that I have when somebody questions what I think is right to not listen, to shut down, to shut down, to not listen, to be critical. For me, I think that in some regards I was objective and open minded to an extent with some things, but with many things I wasn't, you know, with some subjects and conversations I was unteachable because I already knew what was right, or more accurately, I believed

I knew, but I didn't. And so if you were in my orbit, a potential teacher to me, and you didn't agree with my thinking, then I couldn't learn anything from you. I wouldn't let myself learn anything from you. Were my intentions good? Yes, I think, I think, But then maybe I'm trying to make myself feel good by saying that I certainly didn't have bad intentions. I think my intentions were mostly good. But were my beliefs correct, No,

they weren't. And of course my ego and my self esteem were boosted by my story of how evolved and caring and aware and open and even spiritual I was. And I would even try to enlighten people that I believed were flawed in their thinking with my correct thinking, truly believing that I was going to open their eyes to the truth, which was really just my thinking. Do I get some things right? Of course? Do you get some things right? Of course? We all get things right,

we all get things wrong. But we seem to live in a time and a culture where people are terrified of being wrong or owning up to the fact that they just don't fucking know something more than ever I say, I don't know, I don't know. I could give you, I could give you an opinion, but an opinions not knowledge, and opinions not truth, opinions not evidence. I could tell you my gut feeling. I could give you maybe an insight based on another thing that's in the ballpark of

this thing, but none of that is absolute knowledge. So here's what I think now these days, and here's what I want you. I've got eight thoughts that I've jotted down. I don't know how this is going to go, but I'll assume that you've consented to hearing these thoughts and ideas because I've tuned in. So if you need to jump out, this will be the time. So these are my thoughts and my ideas around the topic of why we are so adverse to terrified of against being wrong.

So number one is I've always and we'll all I've always gotten and we'll always get things wrong. I could be wrong with what I'm about to say next, but I think i'm wrong less often. But I'm also open to being wrong more than I was a lot more. I'm more comfortable than ever, in fact, in my being wrongness being wrongness definitely a term, by the way, And I'm also more comfortable than ever to talk about this stuff publicly because I think I think that for me,

it keeps me grounded and it keeps me accountable. And while I don't think I'm the high watermark for humility because I've got an ego and I'm a fuck with sometimes I think it keeps me more humble than I

would be otherwise. And I've also received feedback from some of you that tell me that you find it somewhat encouraging and reassuring that that I'm that I'm regularly fucking up and getting things wrong, and that I have good and bad days, and that I have peaks and troughs, and that you know I make mistakes, and of course

I do all of that. Idea number two is that a point number two is that I think the the idea of saying I don't know, or I'm wrong or I don't un understand, for many people, not all, but for many people, that doesn't really fit within the typical social operating system of trying to appear smart, trying to seem informed and evolved, and educated and spiritual and fill in the blank. Being perceived as not knowing, being perceived as being stupid or ignorant or incompetent definitely ain't going

to get us any social status points. And so in our culture we are culturally sorry for the repetition there, but culturally sociologically and psychologically incentivized to act smart, to pretend that we know, to pretend that we're right, and to have to seem to have opinions on things that we actually know fuck all about because we don't want

to look dumb. We want to fit in. And part of fitting in, part of belonging, part of being accepted, part of being valued, part of being perceived in a certain way, is about presenting ourselves in a certain way. And we were always presenting ourselves, not always, but we're often presenting ourselves in a way publicly that we believe will be the most socially rewarded, culturally accepted, the most valued. And who wants to appear ignorant? Who wants to appear incompetent,

who wants to appear stupid or unknowing? We don't. We don't. Idea Number three is that most of us don't choose our beliefs or didn't choose our beliefs, or most of our belief you think about the things that and I've spoken about this many times, but think about the genesis, the origin story of the things that you believe to be true. When did you make a decision about Think

about some fundamental truths. And it could be something like I believe in God, or it could be something like this political party is bad, or it could be something like I'm lacking talent and I will never succeed. And they all can be life changing, life informing, life limiting, or life empowering beliefs. There are good and bad beliefs, of course, positive and negative, empowering and disempowering. But think about try to remember the time that you chose each

of those individual beliefs. And for most of us, we can't remember that time because we never chose any of them. Those beliefs just kind of chose us. Those beliefs that we have, for better or worse, are really consequences of interactions with people and things in our world. People, family, friends, coaches, teachers, partners, idols, people we look up to, all things media, social media, TV, books, magazines, our church, our synagogue, our culture, our group, our company,

our organization, the people that we intersect with. All of these things have influenced and informed how we think, what we think, the way we think, and the way we believe, and in many ways we are just a byproduct of that. And then we believe a way, think a certain way, and know certain things, or we think we do not because we've thought critically and we've analyzed the data and we've looked at different options and come to a conscious conclusion.

But rather the way that we think, the way that we believe, and what we believe, that is merely a byproduct of where we've been, what we've seen, who we've been around. We're taught, we're taught how to think and what to think. And once we're taught how to think and what we think, we do we kind of do

what we've been trained to do. And then when you have as a consequence of that training, that programming, that informing that conditioning, now you have these set ideas, these set beliefs, these set opinions, these set thoughts, and then something kind of intersex with that thought, that philosophy, that ideology that doesn't resonate you desperately want to criticize that because that is something of a threat. Well, unpack that more in a moment, and I think point number four.

It's like we talk about authenticity and humility and vulnerability, like we all. I mean, it's almost over talked about, you know, this whole thing of being true to ourselves and the real you and vulnerable and authentic and humble and aware. And while we like the idea of that stuff, I want to be authentic at all costs. I want to be vulnerable. I want to be real. We like the idea, we like the theory, we like the sound

of that. We want to do it. But in my experience and observation only, this is my anecdotal evidence, very people will do it. It's like when people come to my workshops and I'm talking about things like this and people nod their head, and people put up their hand, and people tell me at the end they've had a light bulb moment or multiple light bold moments, and I say, put up your hand. If this is resonating hands go up, put up your hand, if this is you, that this

is me, fuck yeah, put up your hand. If you feel like this is going to be the start for you to change something big or smile on the hands go up. Then people go home and don't do anything.

Because the idea of being vulnerable, authentic, willing to be wrong, humble, self aware, the idea of doing all of these things requires no efforts but to actually do them, to put them into practice, to be the person who who turns that intention, that want, that desire to be all of these things, who turns that into a process, into action, into outcomes, and then creates a new personal reality. I am this person now and I'm putting up my hand.

This is hard, and I'm not there yet. I'm definitely not there yet, but I'm I'm a work in progress. Like the idea of being all of this great stuff that we talk about on this show, and this is an ever present reality. The idea is, remember this is just the new project. Is just a bloke and sometimes a bloken a guess, mostly a bloken a guess talking about stuff. We're just talking about stuff, and you're just

listening to a bloke today talk about stuff. It's just theory until you say, you know what, fuck it, I'm going to make this theory. These words, these ideas, these intentions, these things that I want to do, but keep finding a reason to not actually do them. I'm going to commit. I'm going to fully commit, and I'm going to do it.

And I know that it won't be painless and fun and quick and sexy, and I get all of that, But nonetheless, I am fucking in because I am so tired of having awareness and realization and information and education and inspiration that's relevant to me, that's meaningful for me, that's potentially transformational for me. That I do not operate, that I do not operate in, that I do not operationalize, that I do not fucking do something with This is the thing, and this is why. And I'm not frustrated,

but he says defensively, I'm not. But I get excited, I get motivated, I get my energy goes up because this stuff that I'm talking about now, this is the stuff. This is the stuff that changes us. Listening to me doesn't change you. Reading a book doesn't change you. Turning up to a workshop doesn't change you. Knowing getting new information doesn't change you. Somebody encouraging you doesn't change you. All of those things that I just mentioned might or

might not impact you. And as a result, you may or may not make a decision or decisions, and you may or may not take some action, and you may or may not persevere, and you may or may not improvise, adapt and overcome in the fucking mayhem of doing the work. And you may keep going, and you may change your

life or none of that. But irrespective of the idea, the information or the stimulus, be that my show, be that a book, be that a moment in time, be that some kind of personal revelation, irrespective of the stimulus or the external influence, it still comes down to you. Number six is the truth. That truth according to me. So take that with a grain of salt. That we

all look at the world through our own window. And that, of course window is a metaphor, of course, but I guess if we're talking about this metaphorical window, our window would be comprised of things like our beliefs, our values, our ideas, our experiences, our memories, our lifestyle, aforementioned programming and indoctrination, and all of the influence is s an influence who influence ers ers on planet us. But more often than not, we don't even see the window because

our face is pressed up against the glass. We don't see it. We don't see our own programming. We don't see our bias. We don't see that we are being shaped, molded, influenced, and to a large extent, determined by the things that we think and believe, irrespective of how right or wrong they are. So back to the topic of the chat, which is being prepared to be wrong and being okay with it. And while we're why we are so terrified of being wrong. The challenge for us, part of the

challenge is to recognize our own programming. This is not to say, ah, it's everything I thought was right is now wrong. It's not that at all. It's just recognizing, Oh, I know why I think this way. I know where

this belief came from. I know I see that particular topic or situation the way that I see it because Dad does and Dad's been my dad forever, and he thinks that, and and I love Dad, and I respect Dad, or Mum and Mum thinks this, and I think that, and maybe Mum's right, maybe Dad's wrong, or the other way around, or but nonetheless, it's good to have that awareness and then consider that maybe maybe I'm looking through Mum's window and Dad's window half the time. Maybe I

don't need to look through a window at all. Maybe I can look beyond the window and see what is not just what I believe is. Number seven is because why people are so desperate to be right and not wrong is because sometimes that's what the group that someone

is in requires. Like we have been in groups where in order to stay in the group that I was in, I needed to believe certain things and do certain things, and align with certain things and behave certain ways, and all of those absolute non negotiables were prerequisites of being in the group. And so in order to stay in the group, I need to make sure that I defend the thinking of the group. I need to defend the beliefs,

the mandates, the ideology, the philosophy of the group. Because I am in the right group, of course I'm in the right group, and everyone who isn't in my group is in obviously the wrong group. And because I'm in the right group, then what I believe in, what I think being part of the right group is right. And this is why people don't want to be wrong. I mean, imagine if after years or decades of believing a certain thing,

and I know this is scary. But imagine if somehow you actually truly discovered Imagine if some curtain was pulled back in your brain, some metaphoric curtain got pulled back that exposed you to the truth that you couldn't see, a truth that you couldn't see. I mean, wow. I mean over the years, when I really believe certain things, and sometimes I would get presented with not a thought or an idea, but actually evidence like yeah, data, science, like hard evidence that, by the way, did prove to

be true, not pseudo evidence or pseudoscience. Oh. I really pushed back. I really pushed back because when I've believed a certain thing for a long time and then all of a sudden, I get some new information that is not in line with what I know. In inverted commas, is right, that shit's going to fuck you up. That's going to dissorient your whole cognitive, emotional, sociological world, Like

how on earth? Like that's the that's terrifying, you know, And this is the This is the again, this is the practical reality of actually being vulnerable, of actually being open to learning and unlearning. Like I've said, people love the idea of it because sounds good, I want to be vulable, vulnerable. I want to be raw, real, authentic. I want to be open to learning and unlearning. Yeah, high five until you actually discover that the thing that is intertwined with who you are is bullshit or is

only partially true. And number eight, recognizing acknowledging and leaning into our lack of knowledge and understanding of certain things. I'm going to say that again, recognizing acknowledging and even leaning into our lack of knowledge and understanding of certain

things in front of other people. Like being real and raw like this is actually an exercise in self awareness and humility and authenticity and personal growth because you're doing we're doing the hard thing, the hard thing, the uncomfortable thing. And most importantly in that scenario, when you're leaning into you know, when you're saying, oh look I don't know, or you're saying I got it wrong, or you're saying I fucked up, or you're saying I was misinformed, that

is that is an exercise in resilience. That is an exercise in growth. That is that is you not role playing, not pretending, not trying to gain social status or social credit points. That's you being real and raw no matter the social cost, no matter the outcome. And this is

the you know, the personal development journey. While there is a lot of you know resources, books and me and videos and podcasts, and I mean, there's mountains of shit, right and you all know that there's fucking mountains of stuff. Some of it's bullshit, some of it's brilliant, some of it's in between. And if I'm being honest, probably I vary between bullshit and brilliant. Who knows, I don't know. I'll let you decide.

got a few things wrong. I'm trying like this journey. You know, I'm fifteen hundred and whatever episodes in now I must be nearly fifteen fifty. I don't know, but like, this is the thing. Like I'm sitting here, it's Saturday night, it's June one, it's eight forty seven, and I was just sitting here writing some stuff, and I decided to just record this in the moment and right now, sitting in my house by myself, I'm reflecting, I'm thinking, and this is raw and real. This is not manufactured, this

is not scripted. I'm not role playing. And some people will do I think everyone will love this, of course I don't. Do. I think some people have already tuned out. Of course they have. Do. I think some people are going to find a reason to to take action. I do do. I think some people will give it another day or two's thought. I do. Do. I think some people will think it's bullshit and discard it. I do.

And all of that is okay. When I want to coach someone, or I do coach someone, or I want to encourage or support or serve someone, what I care about is first and foremost, like, are they ready to do the work because it doesn't matter what I'm saying, doesn't matter how right, accurate, informed, well intentioned it is, or whoever is. What matters is that we're ready to actually take charge, and we're ready to be okay with

being flawed. We're ready to be okay being wrong. We're ready to be okay publicly socially with saying I don't know, or I'm embarrassed, or I'm a bit scared, or I feel a bit insecure, because all of those things are true for all of us. At some stage, I think that's it. I think I'm done. It's probably more, but maybe I need a cup of tea. See your team, Hope you got something from that