I get a team. It's Harps, it's the You Project. It is it's a Wednesday, it's Wednesday in Melbourne. It's a beautiful day. I'm super excited. Now, you might think to yourselfself, how does Harps come up with the guests? How does he figure out what he's going to talk about, what direction is going to go, what topics he is going to explore. I'm going to be honest with you,
it's not highly strategic. It's not like I look at the last one hundred episodes and go right, We've had sixteen scientists, we've had three actors, we've had twelve athletes. I don't do that. I tend to be a bit organic and spontaneous. And sometimes obviously, you know, we have David Gillespie One's Fortnite, Patrick once a Fortnite, And sometimes I just meet someone who's interesting. But really I just
want to chat. I just want to have a conversation with people who I think might be interesting to chat with, whom my I have an insight, an idea, a perspective, or maybe some information that might add value to your lives my listeners. And so it's not overly strategic. And
I was just saying to our guests too. I'll introduce in a moment that probably in six years of podcasting and fifteen hundred plus episodes, there's maybe been ten or fifteen times when I've just you know, like on my social media, I see people comment or people like or whatever, and every now and then I'll just have a cruise through the kind of the names, just to see who's hanging about. And I did that recently with doctor Lucas from Queensland and we spoke about the secret, We spoke
about manifestation, mindset and all of those things. And I generally don't find the guests, but he was someone that I stumbled across. We had a really good conversation. You've given me good feedback. And Teagan, who'm about to chat with, was the same. She left a comment or a like or a love or something on one of my things, and I thought, this person has an interesting job. Now before you know what she does, because you've already read
the title and you've read the copy. But I'm going to preface this with a couple of my friends said, I don't know if you should do that episode. Harps, I didn't tell you that Tigan a couple of my friends said, I don't know if she should open that door. So before I do open the door, here's my disclaimer. I'm not an expert in this area at all, and
I'm not pretending to be. But I do know that seventy percent of our audience, give or take a woman, and I do know that for a few other people that I spoke to when I was thinking should I or shouldn't I, they went, yeah, that'd be great. I'm interested. So with that in mind, Hi, Tegan, welcome to the You Project. How are you good?
Thanks, Craig, how are you?
Yeah? Good? Thanks for agreeing to do this. Hey, tell my listeners what your job is, if you would, what do you do and how did you get into it? That'd be let's start with that perfect.
So, first of all, I want to start with the fact that you know, when you said before, maybe we shouldn't do this conversation, because that's where my ears preaking, my heart lights up. Yes, obviously, this conversation and this topic needs to be had, and it's not in a sense where everybody has to walk around being sexually liberated creatures. It's just about bringing awareness to you know, back to women. To improve from, you know, a health perspective, a really
deeply rooted intuition wisdom health perspective. So I am a somatic sex therapist and I've also done therapeutic yoni mapping or massage, which is internal body work of the female genitalia. So the two real well, really great hand in hand to get women, you know, reconnected with their bodies and just feeling freaking amazing.
Oh oh my goodness. Remember everyone just asking the questions. All right, So sematic is it sematic or sematic? Sematic? Yep, sematic yep, sematic sex therapist? Yes, okay, what does what does sematic mean? Just what does explain that term to us? So?
Sematic is basically working with the body to unlock issues and trauma and challenges that we go through. M So, where I differ from a sexologist is I'm a more holistic approach to sexuality as opposed to a more psychological talk theory therapy aspect of sexuality.
M What what got the I need to be careful with all of my questions here.
I'm good?
What got that? Fuck? Do I? So you were worried? I need to be worried, Togan, you need to fucking work shop me through this. I'm more nervous than you. Okay, how did this start? What got the metaphoric ball rolling in terms of this, No pun intended this this kind of pursuit or this career or this. I feel like it's more than just a career. I feel it's it's like almost a purpose or a calling.
Yeah, and I loving you said that, because it is. And you know, me, looking back with all the wisdom and the information that I have now looking back on my childhood, there was something there in the really really early days without me having an understanding of what it meant, that was in this field of working with females and you know, all the ancient womb wisdom and our sexuality and our creativity and our you know, we are we are creators. We were things everything from ideas to humans.
But you know, going through life, we all go through a plethora of crap and we've all got to unpack that plethora of crap. And I got to a point about seven years ago where I started working with women
and coaching through psychology and hormones and nutrition. So I did that for a number of years, and it got deeper and deeper because I like to get deep, and a lot of our coaching sessions were turning into, you know, sessions around shame our bodies, how we have challenges in our relationships, how we don't enjoy sex, how there's so much pain involved in it, how women are doing things for the sake of doing them but not really wanting to do them. And from there it was just like
a whole new world opened up. And that's when the sexology came into it. So it was just fascinating. How you know, it has taken me on more of a journey, I suppose, and something that I've seeped out.
Why do you think that? And again I'm generalizing, but so this is not probably not with you, but with a lot of people. Why is there so much awkwardness and weirdness and apprehension to discuss around sex? Like what is that? And it's probably not one thing, it's probably many things. But what are your thoughts?
Thoughts are straightway? Is we're uneducated. We're just not educated and free within the information to receive the information in the first place. So therefore there's a block up. It's like we've got our innate wisdom, we have our intuition,
to connect with our higher self. We have all these feelings of sexuality and pleasure and our desire and our fantasism we want to do, but we're not given the language or the education to actually speak about and feel okay about what we want and asking for what we want.
Hmmm, what about I'm sure when my mum was born in nine thirty nine, Teagan, fucking hell? How long ago is that? Right? And then she she was a young woman. When when did she You know, she was a young woman in the let's say sixties, so she would have
been twenty and nine fifty nine. Like talking having this conversation in nine fifty nine, can you imagine like women like it seems like for I mean again, I don't know, but it seems like for a lot of the kind of evolutionary timeline, or at least over the last few hundred years. Anyway, like women and sexuality and pleasure like that wasn't really much of a discussion in the general kind of conversation.
No, definitely not. And you know, going back, you know, with all the study that we do, goes back eons and eons ago, and once upon a time women were absolutely worshiped. You know, I'm not saying that's what it's got to be nowadays, but everything was very open and explorative. When the dawn of time came in, when you know, everything was commercialized in agriculture and all that kind of stuff came in, there was like a dominance and a
ruler and everything started being submissed. So we were more in a controlled state than a free and educated state. So over the years, when all that's gone on, it was just less and less spoken about, and women had less and less right So pleasure and sets became more about what it was for the man than what it was for the woman. So women were pretty much just told what to do and when to do it. Up until really recently, marital rate was still actually considered.
Okay, that's so crazy to think, is it? And so fucking terrible?
Yeah.
What So, here's a really like fundamental, basic bloke question. What don't and there's probably a million things, but maybe cut it down. What don't blokes get about about female sexuality that we that we need to at least be more aware of or start to think about as a partner.
I mean, yeah, so I think that's a great question, and I see I have a big soft spot for men, because you know, a lot of women are really quick to blame men for not getting things right. But men only know what we teach them to understand. So if we aren't aware of our choices and the way that we feel and the things that we want, they're not going to be aware of that either. But what we both need to realize from a male and a female
perspective is that female femalees thrive off context. So a man can often go into a sexual exp it's pretty wham band, thank you man, ready to go. They're very visual if sex is brought up, it's kind of like, oh, yeah, when can we do it? You know, let's get onto things.
Well, I'm ready, I'm ready, that's right. Yeah, I'm eating dinner though, and we're at a restaurant. Okay, yeah, that's it.
Whereas women, it's very much like all the boxes have to be tipped leading up to that point. It's like we've already scenario scenarioized what the outcome is going to be and what we've got to do to get there. So from going from you know, A to B like that just doesn't happen fast, right right right?
Yeah?
Right?
So is I mean Fuck, I don't even know the right questions to ask for this chat? So can you excuse my ignorance? So talk to me about So if we're talking about male arousal and female arousal, like male arousal is oh there's a picture, I'm ready. Yeah, not always and I'm generalizing of course, but but women, it's like you said, it's about context. What is that? Like, I'm sitting here going cool? What does that mean? Like?
What?
And I know it's not the same for everyone, but talk to us about female arousal.
Yeah. So context is like a physical aspect and an emotional aspect of things. So emotionally it's like how are we feeling within ourselves? We can over analyze things like if we're going into this experience, have I shaved my legs? Have I had the Brazilian this week? When was the last time I showered? You know, all of that kind of stuff. What's my hair look like? What's he going to think if he kisses my neck and I don't have perfume on? All of that kind of stuff. Other
things like what was your workday? Like what's he to do?
List?
Like have you done the groceries? All of that kind of stuff. So you've got your physical and your emotional side of things that plays a massive role that's going through our heads and our bodies constantly before we actually
get to that moment. And it's not to say that women can't have that spontaneous desire and go into a actual experience really quickly, but more often than not, like the way that we are living as a society, there's way more checks than to do lists and things that we're over analyzing in our heads and in our bodies that are making it a lot more difficult for us to get to that space.
Do you I don't know if the answer to this is yes, But based on what you just said, do you think that women are in general terms more self conscious than men like men are like, well, I'm awake, so I'm good to go right whereas like you know, there's not too many dudes going you know, if there's somebody who wants to have sex with them. And again I'm generalizing having said that, I'm a clean freak. I shower twice a day, I hate you know, I clean my teeth five times a day.
So you'd be ready to go, no worries.
Well, in a hypothetical parallel universe. But yeah, that's funny. So is that because women are more self conscious about how they look, smell, or present or what they think the other personal think of them is that the money or am I wrong?
No, that's exactly on the money. And you know, we look at social media and things like that these days and women are constantly comparing themselves to everything that they see on a screen and around them. It's like we're waking up of a morning and you know, the first things we're thinking of is that comparison. Am I good enough? What's this person doing?
Then?
I'm not? Why can't I look like that? It's a whole plethora of reasons. It's really really difficult for women to get through their days without that level of comparison. It's like we're running in that, you know, that realm of fear because of comparison and all that that we've got going on in our mind.
It's like there's two messages teaging. It's like, on the one hand, we're saying, you know, you're enough, Tiguan, you're enough, like what you look like, what you know? Like how much you earn? All of that stuff, which is a really good message, and it's you know, it's true, like you're enough. It's like if somebody only loves you because you know you look a certain way, or you can you know, you have enough money, or you tick enough. You know, that's probably not love. That's probably more like
some kind of strategic alliance or something. But and while we're that, that messaging is loud and clear on many fronts these days, the other messaging that isn't verbal, but it's there is you're not enough. You're not pretty enough, you're not handsome enough, you're not lean enough, you're not
fucking famous enough, you're not rich enough. You're not And while there is more kind of outspoken, kind of I guess support than ever and it should be that for you know, for want of a better term for women empowerment and all of that stuff. It's probably the wrong term, but forgive me everyone fucking clumsy in their space. But at the same time, it's still do you think women
put themselves under pressure as well? Like I know we love to blame men for everything, fucking men, but do you think women in terms of women put pressure on other women?
Absolutely? Absolutely, And it comes as close as even your family members and your friends. You know, how many times have you been in a friendship with someone who supports and supports and supports you until you get that five minutes ahead of them, and they're quick to cut you down. Everyone wants to see you be amazing until you're amazing.
That's so fucking true. That's so true.
You know the reason, the reason that I do what I do. Yeah, the sex stuff is great. We look, we've got the actual physical side of having sex, but it's all the stuff, the emotional stuff that comes along with that. And it's about empowering women to be so deeply and connected and in love with themselves that the
rest of that stuff doesn't matter. That's the society of women that we need to be raising because there is always going to be shit around us, and we have to get better at self managing and self belief to lead really amazing lives, because right now, not enough women are leading amazing lives because they're in that comparison.
Field, comparison culture. Yeah, and it's it's real, but and it is. I know we're talking about women mainly today,
but it's even in the gym. I see young dudes, Teagan, and they're living on YouTube they're watching all their favorite bodybuilders and fucking you know whatever heroes train, and there's I need to be careful what I say, but let's just say there's not a small percentage of eighteen nine and twenty year olds in and around where I live that are are using you know, supplements, let's call them supplements to help, you know, because they want to look, they want to be massive, they want to be jacked,
they want to be lean. And this resonates strongly for me, who was exactly that, you know, when I was eighteen nineteen twenty, I was just a big insecure fuck with trying to be loved and liked and popular and wanted and needed. And yeah, it's like I don't. I mean, men and women are different, but they're kind of the same. We're you know, we express it differently, we manifest it differently,
we maybe look for it in different ways. But what like both when men and women, we want to be needed, wanted, loved, valued. We don't want to be anxious, we don't want to be depressed, we don't want to be lonely, you know,
like we want to be fulfilled. These are all emotional drivers and needs, you know, and it's just that how we express and manifest and connect and create varies a little, but but they're you know, there's probably more similarities than not at that at that emotional level in terms of needs.
Yeah, I agree, And it's like it's a human thing. It's not a male thing or a female thing. We both have the challenges that we face, and we do do them a little bit differently. But I think that's where society has got it wrong as well. Like everybody's pigeonhole. Everybody's got to be better or worse, do you know what I mean? Yes, men can, of course can face the same challenges as women, and it's about us instead of separating all of our shit, is like coming together and learning from it.
Talk to me about if you would, And again, these are all questions without noticing everyone. Teagan doesn't know what I'm going to ask her and when people which she oh, she did a little bit. She just said what are we going to talk about? And I said, I don't know. We'll figure it out. But I do that with all my guests. So's she's flying blind and doing beautifully. Talk to me a little bit, if you would, about self.
Esteem, body image and sexuality and how that kind of intersect or work together or don't work together.
So when it comes to sexuality, obviously we've got to have everything lined up for us to be free and liberated in it. And it comes back to the education. So when we look at when we started to be educated, it's not just back when our parents and stuff we're young like nowadays, we sort of refer it back to when we were kids at school and the information was just so minimal, and you know, on a daily basis, I often ask women what was your education like, and
they're like, yeah, yeah, it was really good. You know, I know the basics, but the basics aren't enough to make us feel great and do great. Does that make sense? Yeah, So there's a lot involved when it comes to our anatomy and if we don't know what they are and we haven't made the connections, you know, we just don't know that they're there, and we don't know how good we can feel. So when it comes to sort of body image and stuff like that, again, what we don't
I don't know. We doubt we criticize, you know, So we look at pornography nowadays, everything that most teenagers aretall is through pornography, and it's that perfect image of what our genitals should look like and what the apple sex should actually feel and sound and look like as well, and it's just not the case in the real world. All of our bits are different, they shape different, they
look different, they feel different. Every single penis involver is completely different to the person that we stand beside.
H so interesting, and it is You're right, I guess for a lot of for a lot of young people and even not so young people like their classroom in inverted commas is porn like that's where they go to learn, which is maybe the worst place to go, right.
Absolutely it is. We've got the highest rate of women undergoing You're plastic to change the way that their volver looks because it's appeared as perfect in pornography, whereas in real life there's bits everywhere and it's quite the imperfect picture.
So not only is that an issue, but because the study over the years is not enough, there's not enough information about it, the doctors and surgeons that are actually performing these procedures don't know enough about what they're cutting, and more surgery outcomes leave women feeling with no pleasure and loss of sensation.
Just explain to the dudes that are listening and some of the ladies that are listening. So that's just well, I'll have a go. Is it just where they're just trimming the laby had to make it look and it's not even about function, it's really just about appearance, right.
That's right, absolutely, So there's sort of ultimately trimming and tucking everything to make it look like that perfect little package. And in the meantime, while we aiming for perfection on the outside so we are we are accepted by a partner, what it's actually doing is you know, creating years of pain and discomfort or lack of sensation.
But it is. I mean, firstly that's kind of it's interesting and curious, but it's also sad. And I'm not trying to be judgmental, but everyone, guys and girls, has all these underlying emotional and psychological drivers, you know, like that imagine getting to the point. And I'm not trying to sound judgmental here because like I know a lot
of dudes too are insecure about their penis. You know, they wouldn't talk about it, but they are, and like it or not, there is I guess there's judgment around it. You know, there's and even though in a perfect world there isn't we don't live in that world. We don't live in the perfect world. We live in the world where people get educated on porn sites. We get live in the world where people get their sense of self esteem and self worth and value from how they look,
and I mean how all of them looks. And we're indirectly being taught that what your genitals look like is important. I wonder what that's doing though, to our soul, you know, to our emotional health, to our mental health, because then even if you go and do and get that surgery or any surgery, you know, with the excuse of kind of surgeries that are for medical reasons of course, but any kind of cosmetic surgery. And men and women do this, so it's it's not just ab gender. It's like, you go,
then what then what? Like I don't have any research on it, but I wonder about the positive correlation between Oh, I've had this surgery. Guess what Now I'm twenty five percent happier all the time. I guess what, Yeah, now I don't worry about my body. Now my self esteem is great, and I kind of don't think that's happening, you know.
No, it's definitely not like And that's the whole thing when it comes to coaching and therapy and psychology, isn't it. It's like we can be seeking that external validation and we can go and have the procedures done, we can have the botox, we can have the nice hair, the flash car, but it's not actually resolving the underlying issue.
You get a month down the track of feeling really good and then going, well, fuck, that issue is still there and I feel too shitty about it because now I've gone and done X Y Z and it's cost me ten grand and I don't have any feeling left in my vole, but I have sex anymore.
And now what Yeah, all right, let's talk about specifics around sex because this is your one of your areas of expertise. So people who I might fuck up some of these terms, so you correct my my mangling of the terms. So people who lose their libido drops, their sex drive drops, but they want to still have sex, Like, what can they do about that?
Yeah, So when we look at libido, it's not an actual organ in the body.
A lot of.
People, you know, perceive it as you know, my libido's dropped. What can I take to fix it? Or what can I do to fix it? It's just it's a whole area of you know, emotional and psychological health, as well as other factors like our hormones, our menstrual cycle, medications. We're taking in all of that kind of stuff. So you know, at the start, I know you said, you know, we're not actually prescribing anything to an individual. That's just
how broad it is. Everybody's situated when they come in will have a unique path to take that won't be same as the same as the last person. Libido isn't just a thing we can fix, we can turn on and off. There's a whole lot of stuff that comes into play for our libido to be where we want it to be. As women, we are cyclic creatures, so our libido is it's completely normal for it to ebb and flow throughout the course of our cycle, of our period month.
All right, So tell me about therapeutic I don't even know if I want to know. I'm so scared. Therapeutic yon mapping, Yeah, yeah, WT WTF is that? Yeah?
It is?
It is THERAPEUTICONI mapping is my area of expertise. Obviously, the sex therapy and sex coaching side of things is fascinating and we do a lot of work with that as well. Like the talk therapy is really really important, but the therapeutic yurni mapping itself is deep internal body work of the female genitalia. So you know, people can listen to this kind of thing and go, oh my god, you know, why does she stick her finger in other
females volvers and vaginas. But you know, my comeback to that is we've got gynecologists, we've got pelvic floor specialists that do all that kind of work on a similar feel. So this type of work has significance and has importance as women, Everything that we go through in our entire life gets stored in our pelvic space. Everything and that
is sexual and non sexual stuff. So whether we had poor education as a kid, whether we were sexually abused, whether someone told us we were really ugly when we're ten years old, whether we've had infertility issues, poor menstrual cycles, we've had sex in relationships that we didn't want to have sex, everything gets stored in our cells, in our
pelvic space. So the importance behind therapeutic Yuroni mapping is to actually go in no different to what you would do when you went to a physio or a cairo where you go and have a remedial massage. The body work is done through touch of the muscles and the skin on the external side and the internal side of the genitalia, so the vulva and the vagina, and the
work is like magic. All the different touch spaces that we go through within their loads and loads of emotional baggage can come up for women and it's just phenomenal. We can have women that have experienced severe pain through intercourse to actually not having any pain whatsoever after leaving. There are also areas of numbness, areas where we might have experienced such high trauma that the body you just shuts that entire space down and we have zero sensation
there at all. Again, once bringing this touch therapy in, women can leave and actually be experiencing amazing pleasure, having orgasms again. Maybe they're never orgasmed for years. Certain medical conditions like vaginiemus and volvadinia can just all be completely eliminated after you've had this therapy done. It's absolutely amazing.
What's vaginismus.
So vaginismus is a condition which involves in voluntary muscle spasms of the vagina. And there's two different there's two different sorts. You've got your primary one, which can be present since a woman became sexually active, and then you've got your secondary one, which can be at any point after somebody has become sexually active.
Do you I mean, as I'm listening to you now and I'm looking at you, I'm listening to you, and I'm curious and I'm engaged, I would imagine that what you just explained you need to if people were asking you about your work, you couldn't just wheel that out in any context because people would think. Some people would think, kind of, that's bullshit, or that's do you know what I'm saying? Like yeah, or that's like I'm you know
where I'm thinking. Oh, Like, as you explain it, I go, well, that makes sense, that makes sense, and like the therapeutic benefits and all of that. But because I mean, we're weird about Dixon vaginas, aren't we. Let's be honest. In our culture, everyone's like every second joke as a dick joke or a what you know, it's like, yeah, and when I'm probably men are more weird than women if
I'm being honest. But yeah, explaining that would take more than a thirty second kind of off the cuff comment at a dinner.
Yeah. Yeah, Yeah. The funny thing is, I think when you sort of step into your purpose, even though shit might be really scary to explain, when you've got the passion and the understanding behind it, it's kind of just like, fuck it. I don't actually care what people think from an opinionated perspective. Yeah, when we first start, you know, learning about sexuality and Yoni mapping, one of the first
things that stuck with me was exposure. The more we expose ourself to stuff, the less of an issue it actually becomes. So I'm quite outspoken in this field, not because not from an actual outspoken perspective, open it up, because if I'm not. If I'm here to make a change and I don't open the door and make people feel uncomfortable, nothing is going to actually change.
Yeah, I'm just I'm googling right now. What is yoni mapping in that I wonder?
Okay, a blend of talk therapy and external and internal massage that aims to release mental and physical tension and heal old heal old wounds that are preventing vagina owners from living their best lives and discovering their personal truth.
It's and and how are people when when people come to you and they've maybe never heard of that, when you go, hey, there's this thing called this and this is what it's about. What are the reactions when you kind of open that door for the first time and explain to people that particular therapy.
So generally people that come to me already know what it is, right and it's kind of like the end of the line for them, if that makes sense. So it's not not necessarily freak it. I'm just going to do it because what else have I got to lose? But their wisdom in their body has gone. I've been through the medical system. I've seen pelvic floor specialists, I've been to gynecologists, I've had the operations done, I've seen the psychologists. But there's something that's not working. What else
could it be? Yes, Well, it's actually connecting back in with their body. That's got the answers the whole time. You know, when it's not a medical condition, the body's already got the answers. So, yeah, is it.
When somebody comes for the first time, like obviously that would for them be a I would imagine like it might end up being a great experience as in like because it's it's therapeutic and it's healing, But initially it's got to be weird, right like for like do they go, oh, what do I do? Where do I? Like? I would imagine people are initially anxious or uncertain or uncomfortable, because that's that's not a day to day kind of thing.
Yep, No, that's that's correct. And we do a lot of talk, therapy and education before we go into an actual session as well.
So my next question is what don't men And I'm again generalizing because not some men are fucking more aware and evolved than others not so much, and others just
don't know. And you can't apply what you don't know, right, What don't blokes know in general terms that maybe we should know or what should we think about or or I'm talking about for the men that are in relationships with women that care about pleasing their partner or supporting their or understanding their partner, especially in the realm of sex.
And that's really big and it comes back to communication. So any great relationship and sexual outcome needs to have really open conversation about what you both like and what you don't like. Men also need to be equally as educated as women on what the actual anatomy involves. So we have the external outside, which is the vole. We have the inside, which is the vagina. Can I show you something here?
I'm sure, yep, sure.
Even though we're on we might we might.
Turn this, Oh my god, we might turn this into a real alright or something. Yeap.
What I'm showing you now is actually the entirety of the clitteral body.
Yeah, there's two Okay, hang on, everybody, So can you just well it's like there's like four almost like legs to it for and then the glitter us up the top. Oh my god. Never been less comfortable on my own show. Okay, So.
What a lot of men and women don't know, like women included there is So when we talked about anatomy education before, women are like, oh, yeah, I know, I've got this thing that I can see on the outside of my body, but they don't need how to operate it. What it feels like and all the external stuff that they can find for pleasure on the inside as well.
So the clitterist, for example, is that little button, little pea size thing we see on the outside, Well, we've actually got all of this clitteral body, which has is very similar in the shape of an actual penis. It's got all the same touch points and everything that can also be stimulated and aroused during sexual activity. So men need to know this because men can be generally so trigger happy. It's like quick, let's get in and have a little play with click, get a sort of all
razed up, and let's get on with things. But it takes women up to forty five to fifty minutes to become fully aroused. So if men aren't the time during for play arousing all these you know, highly sensitive zones and a female, it can lead to unpleasurable sex for the female, which the in terms you know, gives the whole mindset around, well, why do I want to have
sex when it doesn't feel good? Why do I want to have sex when he plays with my clip for five seconds and then shags me and walks away, Like what am I getting out of that?
Yeah, that's so true, and it's like it does seem. I mean, I'm not sure what God or mother Nature was thinking when you know, women might take forty five minutes to get there and guys might take forty five seconds to get there, you know, on a bad day. Yeah, it does seem something of a mismatch. But it is all about communication and understanding, I guess, and it is.
And I think like it comes to time as well, Like we if you want to be deeply connected with your partner and have great sexual experiences, yeah, takes time. You lose that level of connection when it's quick and over and done with. You know, women can be can feel like well, what's the point in doing it? Or if I'm not fully aroused and I'm experiencing pain or discomfort,
why do I even want to do that? You know that the reasons we go through in arousal are essentially taking us to that next realm of pleasure, and that's got to be that's got to be like arned, it takes time to get there.
M hmm. I saw on your Insta page. I think it was a it was a reel or it was anyway. I think the title was let's talk about boobs, right, yeah, so tell us about the role of in your words, boobs in sex and pleasure and for play and the whole kitten kitten kaboodle.
So boobs are an erotic zone for women as well. They are connected to the womb space, like to the pelvis, so more touch and stuff that goes on with breasts in four places stimulates that arousal as well. And you know, looking from a birthing perspective, you know, once we have a baby and our boobs get you know, milk and stuff in them, that sucking sensation from the nipples is directly you know, put into that womb space as well.
So that's how interconnected everything is. So from a pleasure and an arousal perspective, boobs are really really important and not to go unmissed.
I feel like dudes are somewhat clumsy in that region and like, like fuck is that true again?
It comes back to the individual. Everybody experiences pleasure and desire and arouse them very differently. You've got your you know, your kink, you've got your BDSM, you've got all of the sorts of porcher and rough play that can be highly arousing for different individuals, or you've got women that just like that soft nurturing go at a gentle pace, don't rip them off my chest, you know, yeah pace, Yeah, Again comes back to communication.
How isn't it interesting like something that can male or female turn one person on can turn the exact same thing turns someone horribly off someone else.
That's right, And that's why it's just about exposure. Like every single person when they have an opinion on what sex is, it's just an opinion, you know what I mean, Like, it's not a statistic. It's not right and it's not wrong. Everybody is so individualized in what they like.
And to that conversation, tig and I'm going to tell you a funny story. So a guy I used to live with who will remain nameless. He back in the days when I was doing security and you know, getting paid ten dollars an hour to get punched in the face. That was the highlight of my career. But anyway, he got a new girlfriend and the first time they had sex, she was sitting on top of him. What do you call that? Missionary? No, what do you call that? What does that call that?
They probably got on top.
Of boring Anyway, there's probably too much info for everyone. But he was on his back, she was sitting on top of him, they having sex, and then she smashed him across the face with an open hand and started swearing at him and telling giving him instructions, and that was it. It just like instantly turned off, instantly lost sex drive, instantly lost his erection and that was it, like they and she was like, what do you mean, Like she thought that was that. I wasn't sitting in
there taking notes. But he came out and you know, we had a chat after she left and had a cup of tea in the kitchen and debriefed. It was It's funny that, right, how different things for different people it is.
And it's just so different, I think, like when you look at sexuality, it's such that unspoken thing, but everybody does it and everybody thinks about it all the time all the time. And yeah, what turns one person on
can dramatically turn another person, like directly off. And that's why the communication is so important as well, because from a guy's perspective, we can look at a rectile dysfunction and that can be from being in a relationship with a person like that where they're getting the sheep beaten out of them and they're not actually enjoying it as opposed to it being in actual medical condition.
Yeah right, yeah, exactly. And also with dudes, I mean even guys who biology their biology is fine. Sometimes like a this isn't me. Everyone I know, its sounds like it isn't me. I would say if it was me, but another made of mind. We've spoken about this because I don't know why he trusts me. But everything works fine,
but he gets what do they call it performance anxiety? Right, so he gets he now before he has sex, he worries, like he gets himself into a state before like everything physiologically works fine, but then he worries that it won't work fine, so then he gets anxious about it, and then it's a self fulfilling prophecy you know where Yeah, and it's like you know when it's like going, don't be anxious, don't be anxious. That doesn't fucking help, right, No.
That's right. And it's so interesting because you know, as many women as they're out out there wanting to perfect the way that they look and they perform, it's there's probably more in terms of men that have that as well. Like if they're in relationships where they're not having sex all the time, they can often go, well, what's wrong with me? You know what doing wrong? I'm not pleasing her.
So when it comes to the actual sexual experience itself, they're having trouble with a recto dysfunction or they're orgasmine within like the first ten seconds, and nothing's actually going any further than that. It's all that performance anxiety that comes around how long they last and how long they can keep it up for it if they can keep
it up in the in the first place. And you know, the rise of men using viagra is absolutely out of control, and it's not actually fixing the issue, it's just sort of masking it.
What I mean, what like I should know? But what does it do? Does Does biagraa just increase blood flow to the penis? Is that how it works? Is it like a vasal or a dilator?
It's like a yeap, So it causes it causes the erection side of things, but there's still all the emotional and the mental stuff that's sitting there lurking around in the background right.
Right, And doesn't it also raise blood pressure and a few other things.
Yeah, it's not howthy.
It doesn't seem like a great idea. He's my last one, and I don't know, I don't know how how long we can talk on this or not. But sensuality versus sexuality, so for women mainly we're talking about trying to talk about women today. What's the intersection of sensuality And to me it seems more emotional and psychological, whereas sexuality seems more physiological. Is that kind of in the ballpark or what is it? What's the gap? What's the overlap?
Yeah, so putting the really nerdy perspective on it, sexuality and sensuality have sort of been intertwined that they're the same or a very similar thing. Like to be sensual is to be erotic and arousing sexual, But sensuality is really just igniting our senses and keeping us grounded. Right, So we can use our sensory system within sexual experiences, but it's not limited to just that. We should be igniting our sensuality in everything we do in our everyday life. Does that make sense?
Yeah, Like even with food, food can be kind of essential, right.
Yes, Yeah, And I like to explain to client, sensuality can be like you know, seizing the day as what are you grateful for? What's gratitude? You know, what awoken your senses today to make you feel awesome? What are things you smell? What are things you tasted? What are things you touched? What are things you heard that made you feel awesome?
So we know that ninety percent of men masturbate and ten percent lie. Tell us about, tell us about as we will wind up with this one, like is that deep? Oh gosh, is that something that we talk about with our clients? You talk about with your clients? And is that encouraged? Is that is?
Like?
Is that a part of the kind of spectrum of self healing and all of that?
It is? And masturbation is only an issue when it becomes an addiction. So again, if we can't get through our day without doing it, we're potentially looking at you know, what's the cause and the problem behind that. But masturbation, for both men and women is a sensual part of our self care and our well being and connecting in with our bodies. Yeah, really really important. And masturbations just not talked about, especially amongst couples.
Wow, yeah, there it is right there. This has been terrifying for me and fascinating and I might have to go into therapy myself. No, it's been really it's been really good, and thank you so much. How do people follow you on Instagram? How do they find you on the interwebs? Point them in the right direction.
No worries. So I'm on Instagram at Bespoke Underscore health Underscore Cope, and my website is bespokehealthcode dot com dot au. And I also wanted to slide in the end here, Craig, if you don't mind, because I'm so near and far from a metropolitan area and I'm down here in little Old Warnable. I've got an amazing package that I offer for metropol or city people, and it's to come down.
It's to have sex therapy, it's to have therapeutic yearning mapping, and it's luxury accommodation and also a session at our local hot springs here as well. So for anyone that sort of feels like therapy is just out of reach and they want that little bit of indulgence, get in contact with me and I can hook you up for an awesome weekend.
The way sounds awesome. Yeah, all right, well good for you, We'll say goodbye, a fair back for the moment. Well done you, Thanks Tigan, thank
You so much for having me.