I really need something out of you for this podcast. I need you to get any comfort zone and keep an open mind more than you ever have in any previous episode of the Woodlife. Because first up, we're tackling an interesting health topic sex.
Yes you heard that right now.
I know.
I started this podcast to make health and fitness simple, easier for people to understand. But the more we delve into it every single week, and we into you these wonderful guests, the more you realize just how many elements there are to actually leading a holistic healthy life. So sure, we can eat well, we can exercise enough, but I want you to consider what benefits sex and pleasure can bring to your health. So we're going to delve into
that topic with one of Australia's leading sexologists. Then I'm going to give Brea some tips around the upcoming Easter period.
When it comes to Easter time, I don't really know what to do.
I don't want to I fully deprived myself of chocolate, but anything that's gifted to me, I end up binge eating it and then I fall off my healthy eating habit. How should I navigate the Easter period?
It really can be such a tricky time when you're trying to stay healthy. So we're going to get into that a little later on. I'm Sam Wood and this is the wood Life.
Let's get into it. Okay, I'm not gonna lie.
I'm very very excited about our next guest, Chantellotten, which many of you may know. She is a psycho sexologist and relationship therapist and the author of the sex Ed You Never Had.
That's right on the Woodlife.
Today we are talking sex, the naughty word, the taboo word, but we're going to change all of that.
So welcome to the Woodline.
Wow. No, I'm excited to be here. And look, sex is a healthy part of life and happiness and quality of life, so I think it's a good conversation to have. We're not really getting that nasty on this podcast.
Right, No, we're not.
But I mean we are a fitness, a health podcast, and I absolutely think that sex is an important part of that.
Totally good for cardiovascular health.
Vascular health, for our mental health, and many other things. I Mean, we often talk to people on this show, particularly women who don't necessarily have great self esteem, and getting themselves into shape is sort of part of building that self confidence.
And building that self esteem.
And I would think that there'd be a parallel between the love that you have for yourself and the relationship you have with your partner, you know, I think there'd be parallels and coral between those two.
So do you do agree with that totally?
I mean, like, if you think about your clients and people who come see you, if they feel good about their bodies, they're able to open up more. Right. It's almost like they feel like they're living in a beautiful chateau and they're taking care of the garden and they're giving it a lot of love and they can open the doors. If you're not feeling good within your body, it can sometimes feel like a little bit of a prison, you know, where you're kind of you're locked in there.
You don't know how to get out, You're not sure which way to move with it. And I think we're all going to get to that stage once in a while we're not feeling that good and we're feeling a little bit stuck. But you know, small little acts, you know, small little movements, even things like taking a shower and taking it slow in the shower and putting on body wash.
These are all little.
Central things that we don't really talk about because we're used to talking about sex in like a penetrative heterosexual way, penis and vagina sex, right, But sex is really expensive. It doesn't even have to be about penetrating. It can be anything you do to feel sexy in.
I love that, and already that's sort of shifting, that's opening my mind. I think that's really really good way to start things off. So why do you think it is such a deboo topic. Where do these barriers come from and how do we break them down?
Yeah? I think it's just many, many years of being told that we have to keep it quiet. It's movies where you see kind of very conservative views of sexuality. It's always kind of the same. It's very quick, and it's a lot of penetrative sex. It's the multicultural society that we live in. It's different religions. It's the lack of sex education, consent to education, and it's lack of highlighting the term pleasure because I think we don't talk
about pleasure enough when we talk about sex. I think we think in quite a goal orientated kind of way. I think if we start to expand that view to think about okay, well, actually, what gives me pleasure? That makes people feel a lot more comfortable when approaching the topic. It doesn't have to mean what they see in movies or in porn, or what they feel like they have to do. It's what do I want to do? What brings me pleasure?
So why is please?
I love that you've shifted shifted to there? What does it do to us from an overall health perspective?
Such a great question, Well done. I think that pleasure is important because it, first of all, releases really good, feel good indoorphins. So dopamine, which is the bonding hormone. We have oxytocin, which is like the love hormone, and you know, it raises our serotonin. It's also a natural analgesic, So that means if you've got a bit of a headache, if you masturbate, or if you have sex and you have an orgasm, you will notice that your headache actually
goes down a little bit. It's same for chronic pain conditions too. I think when it comes to pleasure, it's important because just expands people's views because we have you know, we have a lot of vagina owners who have painful sex that can be deep pain, that can be penetrative pain. This is you know, especially common in the postpartum period as well. We have a lot of people who don't
feel confident with their bodies. So maybe they turn off the lights and maybe then they have to engage in their sense of touch, their sense of smell, their sense of hearing, right, so that can bring different sorts of pleasure.
We have people with different abilities, disabilities that can be you know, from mild to severe, and for them, you know, when it comes to sensuality, they are really focused on pleasure because that might even just be like a head massage, like a head scratchy that that can be erotic as if you're not feeling like the full three course meal, I'm happy to settle for it for a head scratch
once in a while. And I think pleasure just expands the way that we can have sex because we're just focusing on what feels good for us and our sexual partner at the time.
And so getting out of this one dimensional thought process, do you see better relationships or better quality sexual relationships and overall relationships to those individuals and couples that expand their thought process, you know, beyond this sort of one dimensional way of the way of thinking.
About sex totally.
I mean one of the questions, and I'm going to ask it to you. I'm going to see how you how you respond to us. No, it's very simple. One of the questions that I asked my patients is what does sex mean to you? And it's one of the hardest things for them because it means so many different things. So what does sex mean to you?
I mean, for me, it's connection. For me, it's.
This is quite a sexual person and a very touchy feely person. And I especially think since we've had kids, life goes past you so busily and so fast that when we have sex, it's actually one of the beautiful
times where time slows down quality. Yeah, Like I wouldn't be able to tell you how long we have sex for, yeah, you know, because it really is almost a bit of an out of body experience, and there's a complete closeness and intimacy where all of the other craziness in our very busy, you know, chaotic lives just disappears for however long it is, and it has a definitely has a carryover effect. I mean there's then.
A real sort of afterglow after glow.
Yeah, there is, and and our relationship has a closeness. So yeah, for me, it's connection and closeness and just just that real connectivity in such a crazy time.
I mean, that's a beautiful answer as well. Congratulations. It sounds like you've got a wonderful sex life. And I think that this highlights something really important. Sex shouldn't be just something that you do. It should be a place that you go and you know it should be It should be something that does bring you to a different level. Right. It can cause a real shift, and I think usually in a positive direction, But there are lots of people out there that have sex because they feel like they
need to, because it's expected. They push through painful sex. They have sex that might be filled with shame, or they might be trauma in their background. So you know, not everyone has a wonderful sex life. And sex lives, you know, they vary. They can be good for a period, they can suck for a period, they can need a little bit of work. And I guess in a way
that's why I have a career. I'm lucky that I went into sexology because I'm always going to have something to work on and there's always new studies coming out about sexuality. It's really kind of an understudied field at the moment.
Is it detrimental to us if we don't have sex or pleasure for a particular length of time.
Look, I mean it's quality over quantity, and I think it is quite individualized because you know, for some people, once a month is great. For some people they want it every day and you're always you know, usually in a relationship there will be someone with a higher sex drive and someone with a lower sex drive, and that might kind of yo yo between them for a little bit.
But I really think you can't measure that. You cannot measure levels of desire because everyone's view of desire is completely different, and you can't really say to someone, oh, you should be having this amount of sex, because people only come to see me when they're distressed about their sex lives. They don't come to see me if they're really happy unless they want to, you know, spice it
up a little bit more. But you know, if it's distressing for the individual couple, maybe that's when it needs to be worked on a little bit.
Sure, so with all of the people that you see in all of your stuff, that they say, you know, you get twenty staff that are helping people round the clock with this stuff, which is just so wonderful to hear. What are the ways in which you help people if there's low sex drive or low desire or what are the common ways that you help get things going again?
Desire problems are the most difficult thing to treat. We look at sex and we look at sexuality and pleasure from a biopsychosocial model, so that means biological, what's happening in your body, your hormones, your health, chronic pain, et cetera. Psychological, So what's going on in your head, which you know, the brain is the biggest sexual organ, so if there's a lot going on in there, if it's not very still,
then that can be difficult. And then socioculture, what's happening within your life, what's happening in your community, your culture? What messages did you get about sex growing up? And what about your relationship? So we have to kind of look at all these different factors and I like to get people to write down, Okay, well, what's impacting me when it comes to desire, and it's almost worthwhile kind of thinking about it. Like you're driving a car, you're
driving your desire car. There are going to be things that put the accelerator on that make you really feel horny, that make you feel good, that make you feel like you want to move towards self pleasure or sensuality or sexuality, whatever it is. And you know, that can mean feeling really fit and healthy and strong. That can mean making sure your irons are up to par, your relationship is going good, your self pleasuring off, and you've got a
new toy. What's going to put the accelerator on? And you have to write down all of these things that you can remember from the last time that you felt really good in the bedroom. And then you have to think about, okay, well, what's putting on the brake here, you know, because if I'm driving this car, I want to have my foot off the brake a little bit and more on the accelerator. So is that I don't have private time. There's no lock on my bedroom door.
The kids are touching me all the time. I'm fatigued, you know, I'm not eating well. I feel you know, I just want to go to bed. My relationship is not good, and you have to think, okay, well, what can I do in this break basket that is going to help me lift my foot off the pedal there? And that might mean going to the doctor and making sure that you you know, your hormones are well and good and that you're getting on the nutrients that you need. It might mean putting a lock on your bedroom door.
It might mean doing relationship therapy with your partner. There are ways to do it, it's just more can you prioritize sexuality enough to focus on these things and move towards Yeah, putting the accelerator.
On as well. What a brilliant analogy.
So, Chanto, I didn't realize before we met, not that long ago, but I didn't realize you had this wonderful clinic with twenty staff helping people. What areas do you specialize in at the clinic.
It's called the Australian Institute of Sexology and Sexual Medicine and we do a lot of online therapy, but we also have pelvic health physios, so the pelvic floor it's what controls your bowls, your bladder, but also if you're having discomfort or pain with sex, so that might be deep pain, kind of kind of like period pain. Menstrual pain, or it can be sharp pain. It can be pain on entry. So if like a finger, a tampon a penis, a vibrator is going in, it feels like burning, stinging,
like sensations. That's called vaginismus. Sounds like Christmas for the vagina, but it's not.
It's the opposite.
It's like Halloween, very very uncomfortable. And then there's volverdinia, which is pain on the vulva. So the vulver is all the skin that touches your underwear. It's between your legs and the vaginal opening. And you know, some people won't be able to ride a bike because of volverdinia. They might have to put ice packs down there. So if you're having a crappy time in the bedroom, you deserve a team around you that's going to treat you with the best care possible. So that's what we work
on a lot at our clinic. And I think that sexual pain is probably one of our bread and butter
conditions and we specialize in it. And then things like cancers, we see penis owners, so erect ol dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and orgasmia, so difficulty having an orgasm, different body issues, self esteem, sexual self esteem, which is a really interesting one that actually, yeah, we should talk about a little bit more because I think that I think that a lot of your listeners will probably struggle with sexual self esteem issues.
So what are the most common sexual self esteem issues?
I think what I hear about a lot is like not wanting to be seen naked, not wanting to take your clothes off in front of your partner, so getting changed maybe in the closet or you know, in the bathroom. It's not wanting to wear bikini bathers even go anywhere near water, to be honest, and you know, wearing baggy clothes probably not like worshiping your body the way should be worshiped, because everyone has a beautiful body. But I understand it. It is really what's going on in your
own head that makes you feel a certain way. And I think that the way that we've grown up in media is to see picture perfect people on social media, on magazines, etc. And I feel very lucky to be part of this time where we are seeing a lot more diversity and real people in media and online.
So what is your advice to these people that are having sexual self esteem challenges or fears or doubts that are sneaking in. They're noticing certain behaviors because of these feelings. I know there wouldn't be just one answer that solves all of these problems, and it's often dealing with the head about the body.
But we do a few tips and tricks.
Yeah, I'd love some tips and tricks.
I think that first of all, just know that you are worth it. You are worth kind of looking into this area, and you are worth spending some time on yourself. We don't often give ourselves permission to work on ourselves or even to relax once in a while. You might not have to take these tips coming up. But sleep naked. I think that's a great one first and foremost. Just get comfortable with feeling your skin on the sheets, having your partner next to you. Encourage your partner if you
have one, to sleep naked as well. I think also take photos of yourself naked. Your body is beautiful. I'm sure that there are areas of your body that you can look at, and I hope that you can shift your mindset around them too and just go wow, actually, I love my curves, or I really like my boobs or I have beautiful eyes and focus on those areas. Take photos of yourself in positions that you feel really good in. You don't have to send it to anyone. You can if you want. But I think that that's
a really great idea. Dance around to music naked, that can be in the bathroom, that can be in a private room, or you know, dance around the house, feel the sun on your skin. It's such a erotic feeling. Really, it's really about creativity and imagination. And then I always think tuning into your senses is really important, and I encourage people, if they're not sure what that actually means, to listen to an orgasmic meditation. You're probably like, what
the hell you're talking about. But if you go online, there are hypnosis meditations that will allow you to touch your body in certain ways that are not genital focused, right, so that actually build up the amount of pleasure in you. My favorite one is by a guy called Madison James. He's this English guy who has the sexiest voice, and it goes for an hour and he is basically guiding you in a very sexy way on how to touch
your body. And it basically is like edging, so edging is where if your orgasm is a ten, you start off at one and you build up your amount of pleasure to maybe like a seven, and then he's like, and now you need to stop there, and he brings you back down to a five on this scale, and he brings you up to a seven, and he's telling you where to touch yourself, and you start getting really in tune with your body. And then when he allows you at the end, you're allowed to go up to
a ten and orgasm. I mean when I did it, I had like electricity running from my fingertips down to my vulva area down to my toes. It was like I was electrocuted. Some of my friends who have like never orgasmed had an orgasm. It's crazy. So have fun everyone.
What a great answer, What a great answer, And thank you As an individual, that's what we can assess. What about as a.
Couple, all right, So sex is the hardest thing to talk to your partner about. I think it's really difficult for a lot of people to communicate about sexuality with their partners because you know, I think there's hesitations there that might be a little bit of shame. They don't want to bother them or make them feel insecure. But if you can work on the communication side of things, I think that's really important. And you know, it doesn't
have to be verbal. It can be writing down what you like to do in the bedroom, so you know, yes, maybe's and nose so you know, maybe you like oral sex, so that's a yes. Maybe a maybe is toys, and maybe a no is anal play. So you have to write down your menu of things that you like and your partner can do that too, and then you can swap and go, okay, well maybe we can pick a few of these activities and trial them out. I also think working on your love languages, so actually working on
the overall relationship is really good. You know, the love languages are basically, how do I show you love in the way that you want to be loved? Right, So when you're talking about Snaz before, you're saying, you know, she's a very touchy feely person, so she might give a lot of physical touch because she also likes to receive physical touch. It makes her feel loved, makes her feel wanted, feel good. That's just going to boost up
your relationship. If you can figure out each other's love languages. It's going to get better because a lot of the time we give love the way that we want to receive love, but our partner might not actually want that. They might not want gifts, or they might not care about, you know, words of affirmation. Maybe they just want some quality time and physical affection. What else I think, like, be expansive, because often we get like this sexual menu
that we get quite used to. Sam. If you and I were like, you know, well, let's go get dinner after this, and I was like, we're going to go to the Italian restaurant down the road. We're going to get pasta. It's going to be amazing, and we have a great time. Wonderful. What if I see you next week and I go, let's go back to that Italian place? Cool, we get a bit more excited about it. If every time I see you, I want to go back to the same Italian place, You're going to be like chantelle.
That's really predictable and kind of boring, and I don't want to have that same menu anymore, right, So work on your different menus and add in a little bit of variety. Change up the location, change up the time. Don't expect yourself to be having sex ten pm each night, because you're most likely going to be cooked. Maybe have it on like a Sunday morning, or slip into the shower with your partner or you know, join them in
the laundry or something like that in the car. Add a little bit of variation and it will start improving your want to have sex because it's a bit more exciting. There's a bridge to cross there.
Absolutely awesome, great analogies.
Thank you.
I want all of our woodline business to be driving fast and trying lots of different restaurants. I can't wait to hear the feedback that comes in from our callers. And I cannot thank you enough for joining us.
On the woodline. Thank you.
So it's that time of year where chocolate takes over most of the shelves at the soupmak. We're bombarded with the chocolate eggs from friends, family, and even work colleagues. And even if we don't buy it for ourselves, it is that time of year where somehow it always ends up in the house. So, no matter how good our habits are or our healthy choices, any big holiday centered around food, particularly chocolate, can throw us off and Easter,
of course, is the biggest one for that. So Brea has a question that I think a lot of people will be battling with at this time of year.
Hey, Sam, I'm a massive sweet truth that I usually try not to buy anything too sweet at the supermarket, Otherwise I end up eating a.
Whole block of chocolate in one city. However, when it comes to Easter time, I don't really know what to do. I don't want to fully deprive myself of chocolate, but anything that's gifted to me, I end up binge eating it, and then I fall off my healthy eating habits and that which leads to me feeling bad, and then I have strong cravings for weeks after. How should I navigate the Easter period?
Oh, Brea, it is so true. It is such a hard time to navigate. The Thing that always blows my mind is these people that you visit in August and they still somehow have their Easter goody sitting in the pantry. It absolutely blows me away. I don't understand these people. I often say, I understand what our wood Life listeners are talking about. I really understand what you're talking about, because I'm terrible.
I have been.
Picking out on the little chocolate caberry eggs, and they're so little that you tell yourself it's just one little leg. But when you eat a thousand of them a week, guess what it all adds up. So I totally get where you're coming from. The most important thing is you don't deprive yourself, because I think when you do that, you're just setting yourself up to explode on the other
side of the equation. As much as you don't want to eat everything that is insight and everything that is given to you in one or two sittings, depriving yourself and then feeling like you've really missed out and having that really negative relationship with food and getting frustrated yourself and then going and finding it somewhere somehow anyway is not the answer. So this is the perfect occasion and
the perfect example of setting boundaries for ourself. And I think when it comes to Easter, irrespective of how much chocolate you get for yourself, or you're given or the ester bunny brings you, you want to set some boundaries for yourself, and then you want to perhaps put some smart things in play to ensure that those boundaries or those rules or whatever it might be, are adhered to.
So by that, I mean it might be I'm going to allow myself x amount of chocolate per day over the next three days or seven days, or whatever it is, and then maybe you put that in the fridge or in the pantry or wherever you like to get your chocolate from, and you remove the rest out of arm's reach, away from temptation. Now we have little kids, so for me, that's really hard to do because there tends to be chocolate flying around everywhere. But I do the same thing
for myself, and I'm not terribly trustworthy. I don't usually win those battles against myself, so I get snedzed to enforce those. So I will say to her, sweet no matter what, don't let me eat more than this much chocolate per day, or I even do it on a day by day basis. I'm like, this is all the chocolate I'm allowed today. And she goes, she looks at me, rolls her eyes, raises her eyebrows. We'll say about that, you're going to be kicking and screaming and carrying on like a poor chop.
But she's good. She's tough.
She's a tough gatekeeper, and I feel great because I've still gotten my little fix, I've still gotten my chocolate. I've still really enjoyed East. It's been a really beautiful time with the family. But I haven't eaten myself sick, and then I feel guilty and angry and like I've got to go and run fifteen k's the next day to get back on an even playing field. And like you say, there's all those carryover effects of cravings and
all that kind of stuff. So make some rules, stick to those rules, and if you don't trust yourself to stick to those rules all on your own, get a gatekeeper to make sure you do. Brett, thank you so much for that question. It really was one that hit home with me. And I must say, I think today's my favorite episode. And why wouldn't have been. We've just spoken about chocolate and sex.
Doesn't get much better than that.
So I think our listeners have got some wonderful homework from a sexual exploration or desire or pleasure perspective from Chantelle, and I think we can all enjoy Easter guilt free without going too overboard, have a wonderful time with your friends and family, and of course, if you ever have any questions, don't hesitate to send them through. There's a link in the show notes, and I'd absolutely love to
hear from you. Of course, I'll be back on Easter Monday with another motivational moment, and you can always listen to the WODLFE for free on the iHeartRadio app. And I'll talk to you soon.