Today's episode is going to be different. I think it's something that every single one of you will benefit from, and it's also from someone that many of you will know. We are getting on one of Australia's best relationship experts. You recognize his voice straight away from Australia's most popular TV show Maps. It's none other than John Aiken. He really is a brilliant mind, a beautiful, caring person. But he's also direct, you know, he tells you what you
need to hear. And I'm a huge believer that, you know, wrapping things up in cottonwall, or wrapping people up in cottonwall, or not telling people the important truth doesn't necessarily help them in the long run. So we're going to rattle things a little bit today. We're going to shake things up a bit. You're going to hear some really important, hard truths about how you can get into a relationship or improve the relationship that you're in. I can't wait
to get in that with John. And then we're going to also talk about something and I get asked about all the time.
I'm pretty much at my goal weight and my food and my training is consistent, but I just can't seem to get the muscle tone and definition, particularly in my stomach that I'm after. So just wondering your thoughts and advice on this and what I need to do to sort of get across the line.
This is the woodlfe on Sam Wood. It's a ripping episode.
Let's get into it.
John Aken, Welcome to the Woodline.
It is a pleasure, Sam. I've been looking forward to this.
I have too, Mate, I have to so you may recognize that voice. It is the straight shooting, very direct, highly highly insightful man from Maths married at first sight. I'm not a Maths diehard, I have to. I have to tell that I have seen bits and pieces from certain seasons. But you have to be living under a rock in this country to not know what's going on with Maths when it's when it's in full swing, because it really is such a such a huge TV show.
And I mean, I want to talk to you today about relationships, and I want to talk today about a few questions that I get regarding relationships and how it
impacts people's health. But before we do that, from a fitness perspective, I often hear that it's it's almost always from women, who have an unsupportive husband or partner, and they they really struggle, particularly for sustainable change when they're on this kind of transformation journey or get more health on contract journey, because they feel that they are completely unsupported. You know jokes, you eat the rabbit food in inverted commas.
I'll have a real meal, you know. Oh, if you go again for your stupid workout, you know, just always always talking it down. Another one of these exercise things that will last five minutes. You know, you'll be back on the couching, the tim tamsy me before we know it. All this kind of crap that they undermining. Yeah, and it really hurts them. I sort of know what the advice probably needs to be to the husband, But what is your advice to the the person who's not receiving that supportive advice.
Well, the bottom line is they're going to get to that goal much faster if they're working as a team than if they're working on their own and being undermined by their partner. So they do need if they can to get their partner on board. Now, the way that
they do it is by creating empathy. People don't change if you just say, hey, do it different, but they'll start to change if you say, you know what, when you have a go at me like that, when you call me fad or when you say you know, why don't you take into the Tim tams, It undermines me. I feel unsupported. I feel sort of small and not important to you, and I would love it.
If you could be my cheerleader.
If you say that to somebody, it's very hard for them to sit there and not have an impact on them, because feelings is what essentially gets people on board. And too often when I see a couple, they'll say, I've told him to help more with the kids. I tell him every day, I yell at him. It just doesn't do it. I say, well, how bringing that up as the issue, and you need to hit him with feelings
rather than just pointing out what he's doing wrong. And once you do that, you then get the person empathize. They start getting on board. So, you know, because you don't want to be a partner and hearing that you make your loved one feel small, undermined, unsupported, you want to be their cheerleader. When you hear that, you'll start getting on board. And so those people in that situation. You got to you got to hit him with feelings rather than where they're going wrong. Love that advice, and
that's that's the key. And often, unfortunately on Maths, what you'll see is a lot of blame, a lot of defensiveness, a lot of criticism, personal attacks. But what you don't hear is vulnerable feelings and that's where you get your action.
Love that so powerful and there will be thousands of wood Life lesseners who will benefit from that. And it's interesting. I mean, I obviously it's quite interesting for me talking to you because I met my incredible wife the way I did, and Maths is kind of like The Bachelor on steroids.
Yes, very much.
It's the real extreme version. But I mean, never in my wildest dreams did I think I would meet someone in that way. And obviously you are an integral part of some wonderful stories that have come out of that show. But then I was thinking, as I was driving to meet you today, you know, what a unique opportunity to talk to you about the power of those relationships. And I'd love I'd love you to give your top tips to our listeners based on what you see over and
over again. You know, maybe one of the biggest mistakes people make for their relationships. I'm sure you don't have your top five up your sleeve or anything, but what are the biggest mistakes people make when it comes to sabotaging relationships.
Well, if you're at home listening to this and you're thinking about your relationship, that's good because you want it to be front and center of your mind. But ultimately, the things that you can do that you want to avoid. One would be spending way too much time on your phone, technology, getting in the road if you're connecting. You see it in the cafe Sam a couple sitting there, someone's trying to have a conversation, the other person's head down on the phone, So that is a sign that things are
not working well. I would also say that you don't have time for each other during the day to make little connections.
You know, when you and Snares you wake up.
In the morning and you might have a little coffee together just map out the day. Or when you come home at night, you kiss, you greet each other, you have a glass of wine before you go to bed. Those little moments of connecting are very important. But couples when they get into trouble. They let go of those.
Another issue would be the way you bring up things that are on your mind, gripes, if you like you see it on maps a lot, they bring it up the sledgehammer you always, you never, instead of bringing it up softly. And what you need to realize is good listening comes from good speaking. So if you're really bad at bringing things up and you go hard and loud and you got contempt in your voice, it's going to go badly. So that's another key issue.
I think.
Another one as well, I would say is that you don't have shared goals or dreams together. You know, you're just kind of complacent. You're going along, but you haven't thought about, you know, the way in which you want to grow your finances or raise the kids over the next five years, the living arrangements, even holidays where you're going.
So if you don't see eye to eye on those things, yeah, is that a deal breaker.
It's not a deal breaker.
But what you want to do is you want to get into each other's shoes and find out why it's so important that Sam wants to sit on the beach, you know, in Abo, while Snares wants to go, you know, to Aspen and go on a ski holiday. You want to make sure that you get a greater understanding of where each other are at. But if you're communicating poorly, you're not connecting your heads in the phone and technology,
and you don't have dreams. I would say those areas there are signs to me that you've got problems.
Yeah, I love that, I think I think. I mean even I'm not. I would never sit here to proclaim that says and I have a perfect relationship. I absolutely am guilty of some of those things. And was nodding, and I will listen back to this episode and make sure I address some of them.
And it's funny, isn't it, Because you know we've attacked it by rather than saying what are the things that you should do, we have said, you know, these are the things that you want to avoid.
Yeah. But I think that's I think that's better. It's more helpful.
And interestingly, I think we've married at first sight. People watch it and go we're learning what not to do through certain behaviors, certain ways in which people don't get along, and that can be just as powerful as someone sitting there saying here's your top five secrets to happily ever After.
And you know what's interesting. While I was listening, and I bet this is the case for many of our listeners too, I justify a lot of those things that I'm doing wrong because of kids. Yeah, it's just, you know, I would be more connected, I would be more present, I would have more time for you if I wasn't just so all consumed and exhausted by running around after four kids. And by the time all of that happens, I'm kind you know, my battery is zero, you know.
And it's not a justification, because if all those things don't happen, I can absolutely see how they can be the beginning of relationships starting to fray at the edges. But what do you have different advice for parents? I mean, Sas and I both do this, you know, you know, yeah,
but we don't have help here. You know, Snays's family's in Perth and my family's in Tazzy and being Macedonian, she's not that comfortable giving the responsibility of our children being looked after, the babysitters and that kind of thing. She prefers to do it herself. And I understand that. And there's a lot about that that I love. But then at the same time, we are always tired and we don't have a lot of time for each other, and we recently we have made Wednesday night date night.
It's amazing how much that's you know, it's four hours out of one hundred and sixty eight for the week. But God's been it's been a game changer for us.
Look, I think what you're talking about there is very real for everyone that's had kids, you know, your relationship really there's there's two relationships pre kids, where Sam and Snaars you know, go out anywhere they like, they holiday, they stay out late, they sleep in, they eat anything they like.
And so we never had that. When Snaars and I met, Evie was nine ten, and so we see a lot of our friends who are couples three kids. This is our last Europe trip, this is our you know, it's the last hurrah this, you know, says And I haven't ever had a honeymoon, you know, And look, I'm not here with my violin, but I just it's just interesting that because we we obviously met through ridiculous circumstances. Move when I say, oh, you've had plenty of dates yeah,
not quite the dates that I would have imagined. Cameras pointed our face, but it was kind of that to being flung into the public spotlight to you know, then snares an ivy coming over from Perth to Melbourne to live and seven years has gone by incredibly quickly and I feel like I would love nothing more than just to spend ten days on a holiday with Smiths. You know, it's it is an interesting one where you say that before and the after because we never had the.
Before, and you're absolutely right.
So you've essentially created your relationship where you've already got one child and then you've had more since then. And ultimately, what you've got to do is you've got to in a way which makes them feel special even though you're not getting a lot of time with them. So it's got to be doing little things daily and often, rather than flowers once a week. So what that means is texts through the day between you and your partner when you've got kids is very important and you get back
to them. You don't ignore the texts. It's the little coffee in the morning before the kids get up, or the glass of wine at the end of the day. Or you know, binge watching an episode on Netflix in bed, just the two of you when you do go to bed, go to bed together. So these little moments of connecting
is very important. Also, it's very vital when you've had kids that you two know what's going on within each other's days, and that means asking questions all the time, so you want to know, you know what it is that with the challenges with the kids today? What was their sleep time? You know, where did you go for coffee today with your friends? You had a meeting with a mother's group.
What was that like?
Get today to the names of them, So you're really deep diving on their world. Because the more you know about each other's in a world, then the stronger the bond is. And it's absolutely particularly when you had kids. It's very easy just to drift and not know what's gone on during the day. Another one I would say,
which is very important. I'd say this is the biggest relationship skill I think you can have as a couple that's going to put you in good stead is at the end of every day, you've got to have a debrief where you say to your partner, tell me about the things that have been stressing you out today, and when they tell you what they are, you listen and you don't fix, no solutions, no advice, know how to. That is the biggest, single conversation that you you can
have with your partner that every day. And then when you've had that, you flip it. And so your partner says, now you've heard from me, tell me about you what's stressing you out, and that that person listens and under no circumstances do they give out advice. So what you're doing there is you're saying, I've got your back, I empathize with you, I'm siding with you, but I'm not
going to fix it. And what happens is it just absolutely just gives you this wonderful sense of Wow, it doesn't matter how bad things get, my partner has got my back. And if you can do that every day, I would say that is the single biggest relationship intervention I can give any couple.
It's transformative.
Yeah, that is such brilliant advice.
Because we typically like to fix and we want to get our partner out of this stress, but they don't need that.
So I not only try to fix. When Snares asked me I'm not vulnerable enough, and I pretend nothing's wrong.
Yeah. We getting places here, so I'm good.
I'm good. Yeah, I should have in here.
We could have a.
I didn't realize.
Well, I mean, this is the thing though, you don't realize until someone tells you in a very practical way. Well, all we'd have to do is have a fifteen minute conversation at the end of the day with a glass of wine. We listen, We side with our partner, We don't fix. That's not too hard to do, but it absolutely overhauls your relationship.
It transforms it.
Yeah, I love that. So we've spoken about couples. Yes, what about all our legendary single listeners that are out there? What is your advice to them to you know, if they want to Some people are very comfortable, but if they want to be in a relationship, do you have any go to advice for them that you have seen has had success.
Well, I'm going to go down the path that we went down last time, which is what not to do. So you know, when you're meeting a love interest for the first time, you want to stay away from people that have red flags.
You're not going to change him.
I wonder how long it be to you said flag.
Let me make it clear, you're not special enough to change people. And the red flags that you're seeing. If that guy's forty five minutes late, if that guy is really rude to the waiter at the restaurant, if that guy is ringing you at midnight to come around, if that guy says, hey, I got a lot on my plate right now, I'm not looking for anything serious. These are red flags. You're not special enough to change him, so move on. So I think red flags is a
big thing. You've got to stop going after people with those red flags and dating down. That's what I would say. Dating down is going out with someone who's bad for you. I remember someone saying to me or hearing you know, you date at your level of self esteem. So if you keep going out with the wrong types, it's because you don't like yourself. So the other thing I'd say with regards to dating is you better have good self esteem.
Otherwise you're just going to.
Keep attracting very bad people that will treat you badly.
So look after yourself.
And yeah, you're in a space sam where physical health well being, you know, eating well, sleeping well, all of these things are so important for how you're treating yourself, and if you're not looking after you, you are going to keep dating down. Closely associated with that is you don't want to keep repeating patterns. So when you get out of a relationship, grab a friend and say, all right, hit me between the eyes, what was wrong with this guy? You know, why was he so bad for me? Also,
how did I contribute to this? What have I got to do differently moving forward? And what do I need different out of my next partner?
Very few people would do that better.
Very few people do it. And you see it with marriages. You know, people get married once and then they get married again and then again, and they're basically married the same person. They're just in a different body, but you know they keep the kid getting the same outcome. So I think you don't want to keep repeating those patterns, and a close friend who will tell you the truth is a great way of really getting a wake up call.
Now we play that role and married at first sight, we're holding a mirror up to these people who probably have never had that happen and saying, you know, that pattern there is going to keep you single, So you change it or you're not going to last. You can play that role as a friend to someone who's single, who's dating but dating badly.
So as the friend, do you need to be asked to give that advice or you just think we're as friends. We need to be a little bit bolder and we need to give it because they can be brickly.
I mean, I do think I remember hearing the saying when the student is the lesson will be learned. So often it will take that person coming to you saying, look, you know what, I'm sick of being single. When they come to you and they say, my dating life is a disaster.
I don't know what I'm doing. Have you got any thoughts?
That's when you can line them up and say, all right, this is how you've got to do it different. And then it becomes intentional. We're almost in the same profession here, Sam, because I will get clients ringing me saying, you know, I keep going out with the same guy. I use this site or this app, and for the last six months all they want is sex. I say, well, have we thought about getting off that app?
Really?
What a wacky idea.
And it's the same with fitness.
You know, doing something over and over again but not getting any outcome, and then someone external saying all right, well let's shake it up. If you want different, you've got to do different. And a lot of the time in relationships, as in fitness, you know, it is you being responsible and saying I'm going to shake this up and do it in a way that's going to get me a different outcome, and that I think as single people, you really want to take on board the responsibility. It's
your mindset. Ultimately, if you're dating, you're single, you've got to have a mindset of dating up. I'm looking to date someone who is top tier, who's going to treat me well, and who's going to meet my needs and anything else less than that, I'm not going there, but there's plenty of guys out there like that. If you're a couple, what you want to be thinking is, Okay, my relationship is the most important thing to me. It's front and center. So I do little things daily and
often that are intentional to bring my partner close. You do those things, then you're going to be in a great relationship.
John could talk to you all day about a myriad of different things. If you would be so kind. We have to have you back on the wood Life. Love to listen, don't fix, and good listening leads to good speaking. John, thanks so much for coming on.
The Woodlocke Pleasure. Sam, thanks for having me, Bud.
I just said to John as he left the studio, Actually, you have so much knowledge about something that impacts all of us. That's just a crazy superpower that you have. And that's really really what I was thinking is I was hanging off every word that he was saying. We're going to definitely change gears a little bit now as we're going to go from relationships and talk muscle tone. All right, we're gonna have a little quick dig into the woodlfe inbox and we're going to talk muscle tone.
Hi.
Sam, my name's Lauren. I have been a twenty eight for about five years now and have done a few of the eight week challenges. I'm pretty much at my goal weight and my food and my training is consistent, but I just can't seem to get the muscle tone and definition, particularly in my stomach that I'm after. So just wondering your thoughts and advice on this and what I need to do to sort of get across the line.
Thanks Sam bybe oh Lauren. First of all, five year twenty eight are absolutely amazing. You've been around for about six and a bit year, so you have really been one of the ogs. Wonderful to hear from you. I'm really glad you brought this question up because people get confused by what tone means. Tone is a combination of strengthening or firming the muscle, which is great. But this is the thing. We all have tummy muscles, some of us a bit more, a bit stronger, a bit more
defined than others. We all have biceps, we all have quadriceps, so we all have those muscles. But what we don't all have equally is a layer of fat over the top. Some of us have no fat over the top, or a very thin layer, and therefore you can see a lot of tone or a lot of definition. Others of us do cover that muscle in whatever particular part of the body it is, with a perhaps generous layer of fat. Now I'm not suggesting that that is you, Lauren, by
any stretch of the imagination. And it obviously gets harder as we get older, as we're more inclined to put on weight more easily, or it's harder to burn fat. But the reason I bring it up, and this is not just to you, Loan, this is to everybody, because I actually get this question a lot is you don't get the tone by just continually working that specific muscle.
So if we're talking about your tummy doing a thousand sit ups today, if I have a layer of fat over those abs, is not going to tone up my tummy. I might be a bit stronger, and there might be a little bit more muscle under that same layer of fat, But while that layer of fat is there, I'm not going to be able to see it or it's not or appear any more defined or any more toned than it did before I started doing those sit ups. That's why I'm so big on different types of training. That's
why I love strength training with a functional emphasis. I love that you're working those core muscles, you're working those out muscles, you're working all of those superficial muscles, and you're getting stronger and you're getting firmer muscles. But unless you are then looking at the layer on the outside through nutrition and through burning calories with something that's getting the heart rate up, then you're never going to get
that desired outcome, you need to do both. You need to do both too, because you want to work your heart and your lungs, and you have strong muscles and strong bones. But if we're purely talking about esthetics, it is the nutrition side of things and the cardio side of things that is going to help burn that extra layer of fat on top. So to answer your question really specifically, Lauren, it might just be you've got to
tweak the food. It might be a little few less calories, it might be a bit more, a few less carbs. It might be that you're a little bit dehydrated you an increase your water intake. Or it might be you've got to start to ramp up the cardio. And that can be either in volume or intensity. In fact, I think you should probably ramp it up in both. Some sessions focus more on intensity, and so I'm a big believer in mixing it up and increasing your volume and
I think probably your intensity. Not necessarily both in the same session, but you might alternate. You might get Yep, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I'm going to have an intensity focus in my sessions, and then on Tuesday, Thursdays and Saturdays, I've got a little bit more time, so I'm going to go for volume. I'm going to go for a longer walk, or a longer bike ride, or a longer session where it's less intense.
I'm still giving my muscles adequate time to recover between those more intense sessions, but I'm ensuring I get that extra lot of calories burnt. So slowly but surely the fat comes away. You've got the tone strong muscle underneath, and you can see it, and that's what tone is all about. So I love today's episode, fact that it might be my favorite, and the reason for that is, you know, we talk on this show a lot about relationships with ourselves, and that's great. You know, it's all
about becoming a better version of yourself. That's absolutely what I'm all about. But sometimes being in a better relationship with someone else, or perhaps you'd be single, being in a relationship with someone else is something we don't really talk about on this show, and that can make a huge difference to your overall happiness and your overall well being and your mental health and physical health. So I've thoroughly enjoyed today. I've learned a lot of things that
I can implement in my relationship with Snaze. Definitely some stuff that I can work on there. I hope you've benefited just the same. Please share that with someone that you think will benefit and as always, I'll catch you on Monday for a motivational moment.