Over the last week, I have had one of the very simple but extreme pleasures of teaching my little girl, Charlie, who just turned three, how to ride her new pink bike. And we haven't had any major praying chats, so perhaps that's part of it, touch Wood, But the enjoyment on her face is beaming smile as she can. You can tell she feels like she's getting the hang of it at rush as she gets a bit of speed up.
It's just been a beautiful reminder of sometimes we search for, you know, we search for that super complicated or I don't know, technical or materialistic pleasure that we think is going to change our life in a particular way, and there are so many beautiful, simple joys just surrounding us, and often we make life a bit more complicated than it needs to be and we forget about these simple pleasures.
I think he's my point, and that sort of leads me to today's guests a little bit in today's show, because life is complicated, and today we're going to get to a topic that is really close to my heart because of the amount of people through my twenty eight program that have labeled themselves in this particular way and that is we're going to get into the topic of self sabotage, which is something that I don't understand fully and I'm really looking forward to understanding better, and it's
something that I know affects a lot of people out there. So hopefully we can identify what self sabotage is and give some really practical steps by speaking to an incredible clinical psychologist about how we overcome it. And then as we start to get on planes and trains and take those much needed holidays, naturally you lose your routine a little bit, you lose your habits a little bit, and when you're on holiday, you struggle to maintain the healthy
structure and the healthy routines that you build up. So we're going to talk about how you can maintain the healthy life while your own holiday life.
I'm lucky enough to be heading away internationally on a holiday after a long, long, long time in lockdown, just wondering what your top tips are when it comes to enjoying, absolutely still enjoying, but sticking to as much as you can a routine, getting the exercise in, particularly when you're in a bit of a foreign surrounding, not as familiar with the foods.
I'll be giving you a holiday plan a little later in the show. I'm Sam Wood. This is the wood Life. Let's get into it. This is a guest that I've wanted to have on the WOODLFE for a little while now, and it's a topic that I've absolutely been wanting to cover almost since The wood Life came about. And the topic we're going to dive into is one that's really close to my heart because it's something that I get
asked about a lot through my twenty eight program. We're sort of going to get into that and touch on that, but I would love to first of all, welcome doctor Rebecca or beck Ray. Welcome to the wood Life.
Thank you so much for having me Sam. It's such a great topic for us to be diving into. I can't wait to have this chat.
So before we do dive into I'll give our listeners a little bit of a background, because you are one incredibly impressive woman. You are a clinical psychologist, but interestingly, you were studying psychology and then you took a little, well not a little, a fairly large turn to the left and you became a pilot.
I did. I was quite an anxious teenager and my grandfather was a private pilot. He had his own plane, and he said to me when I got my driver's license, do you know if you can drive a car, you can fly a plane. And he lied, So let's just get that clear. That's rubbish. And so I thought, maybe to overcome my anxiety and my kind of fragile self esteem, that I'd go and do something significant. I'd gone do something with my life. Because of course studying psychology was
not significant enough. I don't know why or who I was proving anything to. But I went and got my private pilot's license, and that I still felt anxious. So I got my commercial pilots license, my night flying rating, my multi engine rating, and an instructor rating, and I still felt anxious. So I thought, maybe flying is not going to fix the anxiety. So I went back to psychology and left flying and felt incredibly shameful about that for quite some time because of the money that was
spent on my flying training. And it ended up being one of the things that has really defined for me how much failure is actually realignment. Because I now do a job where I don't feel like it's a job. I love it so much and It feels so incredibly aligned with who I am that my views were once so incredibly perfectionistic on failure and what they meant about me as a human being, whereas now I simply see it as data. When things don't work, it's just information.
I love it. Small Habits through a Big Life is your latest book that is all about dealing with self sabotage? So can you just explain not just our listeners to me? Actually, because I'm sure I don't have the exact definition, what is self sabotage? Yeah?
So, self sabotage is just a fancy name for not being able to trust yourself to do the things you say you want to do.
I love that.
It's essentially avoidance. Now everyone avoids, so it's really important that we just, right off the bat we normalize avoidance. Human brains are wired to avoid discomfort. It's what we do. So from a survival perspective, it was actually highly adaptive when we were out roaming the savannah in clans one hundred thousand years ago that we pay attention to uncertainty.
We paid attention to potential danger and avoided the emotional discomfort and sometimes physiological discomfort that showed up as a result to say get out because this could potentially be
a bad situation. Now twenty twenty two, we're not necessarily living life or dead situations in first world countries like Australia on a daily basis, but we still have prehistoric software in our brain, and that means that we're operating with brains that don't particularly like hard they don't like things that are uncomfortable, and so it's actually really normal to avoid effort to avoid something that just feels uncomfortable, and it's not even really a problem, but it becomes
self sabotaged when the things, the behaviors that we start doing on a daily basis, those behaviors that occur more often in our lives than not, so we're probably talking about the forty to forty five percent of behaviors that make up have. When those habits start becoming habits of self sabotage, habits of avoidance, habits that actually push us away from where we want to be, then it becomes
a problem. But it means that we get very confused about what is discomfort for growth and what is discomfort for discomfort's sake, So quite often we're actually creating a cycle where we are making ourselves feel ever more uncomfortable because we're trying to avoid initial discomfort, but we're not actually stopping to go. Hold on, if I just got up at six o'clock in the morning and went for a walk like I said I wanted to do, then my hips wouldn't be aching from sitting on the couch.
You know, very simple but good example. How do we identify self sabotage in ourselves?
So if we look at food and exercise or just general lifestyle habits, then you probably self sabotage if you spend a lot of the time in your head promising that you will do certain things, and yet when it comes around to doing those things, it feels hard, or it feels effort full, or you feel overwhelmed, or you didn't manage your time effectively so that when it came time to go into the gym you ended up running
out of time. If those things keep happening more often than not, then it's likely that you're self sabotaged, and we can call those things. We can give those things labels like procrastination. Sure, the most common form of self sabotage I see is procrastination, and you would see it too. Oh it's a bit cold this morning, I won't go for a walk, but I'll do it this afternoon. I promise I will, And then it gets to this afternoon, you're too busy and the kids need something, so you just don't do it.
You don't go.
And so if it's making excuses, procrastinating, negative self talk, managing time ineffectively, managing your own emotions ineffectively so that you end up creating your own stress, I mean I could sit here for probably the next twenty minutes of our chat and list off ways that we can self sabotage. But the ways listeners can identify it within themselves is
do you feel out of integrity? Have you been promising yourself that you would do something when it comes to your health and your fitness, and yet you're now in a position where you don't trust what you say. Your relationship with yourself is out of integrity now because you've
lost trust with you. But before we pathologize it, before we pathologize you, before we pathologize every single listener, The key here is when I procrastinate, when I promise myself this, but I don't follow through when I make excuses, is it actually stopping your life from going in a direction that you want to go, Because then we have a problem. We have a disconnect between where you are and where
you want to be. And if that cycle keeps showing up that there's a promise that you're making to yourself that you're not following through on, then yeah, it selfs up when we're talking about you know Natalie and she's at the stove thinking, this is the fifth time this week that I promised myself I would walk the dog, And here I am trying to get the toddler to stop putting Plato into the carpet, and I'm trying to pay the mortgage on my phone app while I'm stirring
the sauce and I still haven't managed to get out the door or put my running shoes on. And this is where the shame comes in. The quality of our relationship with ourselves is what suffers. So you don't wake up in the morning with your wife saying, Sam, get up and go and do your workout because otherwise I'm going to do X, Y and ZED. No one makes you do that. That's a boundary that you keep with yourself,
and it's the same for all of us. We have these internal boundaries, and if we constantly disrespect our own boundaries, what happens is we end up in a shame spiral, and that shame spiral further perpetuates the cycle of self sabotage. So let's say Natalie wants to go for a walk, and she promises herself this afternoon that she will go for a walk, but it's cold by then, and the kids need dinner, and it's just easy to put dinner
on now. There is to do it later. So she starts doing that, and then it feels kind of relieving. It's very seductive, So self sabotage is super seductive. It actually feels better to go, you know what, I'll go tomorrow. And so in that moment she does feel better. There's one thing that's come off her shoulders that she doesn't have to deal with right now. She can just focus on everyone else. But then dinner's done, the kids are bathed,
she's sitting on the couch watching a murder documentary. It might be me, but you know, if you need recommendations, come let me know. She's watching a murder documentary on the couch and she thinks, this is not really where I want to be, right, I've promised myself that I would go for a walk, and it's I didn't do it,
and she feels guilty. And not only does she feel guilty, but she feels super frustrated with herself because she knows that this is not the life that she wants to live, This is not what she wants to be for her future self. And so then she starts to feel shame because something pops up. It's a library of mental images about all the times she's promised herself this this year, because you know, January one, she made a New Year's resolution.
She said that wasn't going to be like this because she wasn't going to have another year like this, because she's had five years like this prior. And this library of images comes up in her head and it makes her feel so shit about herself that that shame takes
a hold. And then she needs to avoid the shame, so she goes to the pantry and in the pantry is a little packet of that's hidden up the back so the kids can't see them, and it's mint slices, and the packet hasn't yet been opened because she bought them today this afternoon. Wall is she wasn't going to open them though they're just thearing the case the kids snack. But the shame is so big and it's so unwieled at you by this time that she needs a band aid.
So she eats half the packet of mint slices. And then on top of that this internal rage, this internal anger at herself that she's done it again, and what happens is a continuation of the erosion between herself and herself. No one else is involved in this, Sam, You know that because you've seen this with your clients, right. No one else sees or hears this. It's just her with her.
Wow, it's honestly like you were privy to hundreds of conversations that I've had over twenty two years, or in the actual home of those people. And I know it is because you've had those conversations too, and it's something you intimately understand. But I don't think you could have described it better. Honestly, I think there will be thousands of Natalies listening right now, nodding right now, whether it's five years or ten years or fifteen years or two
kilos or fifteen kilos, whatever their Natalie situation is. And I hope there aren't natalies listening who are getting offended. But what does Natalie do?
Yeah, so you'd know this from the homes that you've stood in, the gyms that you've stood in with a woman standing in front of you on the verge of tears telling you the same story, because that story is so incredibly painful. No change ever happens from shame. Actually, no, let me rephrase that, no sustained change ever happens from shame until we actually address that to begin with. Then you're constantly chasing an invisible measuring stick of your worthiness.
That is bullshit. So the first thing we must acknowledge is that you are worthy for being you, just for existing. And the second thing we need to look at is you're not changing because you need to because there is something wrong with you, because there is a part of you that is defective. No, you're changing because you want to run around with the kids in the backyard because it's actually much bloody easier to get up off the
floor when your knees don't hurt. It's because you actually really want to walk dog because you enjoy it, because there's whipbirds that sing outside and it makes you feel like you're truly living. You want to change because your eighty year old self is looking back at you right now and says, isn't there a little bit more to life? That's why you want to change. So we change from that place. We don't change from a place of shame.
Now.
The second thing is, let's go back to potential. Have strong feelings about potential. I'm a strong believer that when we come from a place of possibility, then potential is yours. You don't need to be Sam Woods going from eight out of ten to nine and a half out of ten, but you do need to understand that your potential matters just as much, no matter what that looks like. So we could do an entire other chat about self talk,
but you won't remember that. So instead, I'm going to give you one statement, one statement I want you to take with you. I relentlessly believe in my own potential. Now, the reason potential is so important in this statement is because you don't need to be perfect, and in fact, perfection doesn't exist. And if you continue to try to make your attempts to transform your health perfect, then you will continue to bash your head up against a brick
wall of criticism and shame. That just happens over and over again. So instead, I want you to believe in your own potential to change, whether you're there today or not. I want you to believe that your future self knows what you're capable of, whether you got there today or not. I want you to believe, to relentlessly believe that the hour between five and six pm can be different to what it was yesterday. Because if you believe in your potential,
it means it doesn't matter what yesterday looked like. It means that something is possible for today. And then the final thing is, like I said, perfections bullshit. Please let go of it. It's just an absolute waste of time and energy. Instead, I want you to understand that it's consistency that matters. It doesn't matter how small the step is. If you take consistent steps, it's what matters. It doesn't matter what you do, it's consistency that matters. So to
overcome self sabotage, firstly, please step out of shame. I promise you your brain is not defective. This hasn't happened to you for fifteen years, or for ten and then twenty and then forty kilos by the time you open your eyes again because you're broken. It's happened because life. This stuff just happens. But you cannot blame yourself for the way that you have learned to protect yourself from pain.
I actually love that advice just on its own. Just focus on one thing at a time. It's keeping it as a singular focus, much more manageable, much easier to maintain your eyes on the prize of what the thing is for that particular time. You believe that a little habit is a better thing.
The reason that I believe in small habits is because and small steps, is because of what we call the science of small winds. So I like to kind of hack our brains to help us. Now, what happens with self sabotage is when we get that sense of relief that I told you Natalie got when she didn't go for a walk. So in that moment where she goes, oh, buger it, I just can't do it self. Now, I'll
do it tomorrow. That relief is marked in the brain by a neurotransmitter called dopamine, and dopamine is responsible for giving us a sense of reward, It makes us feel good, and it actually motivates us to repeat a behavior. So dopamine is the neurochemical involved in addiction.
Right.
It says yes, that worked, because it actually did work in the moment, made you feel good in the moment, says do it again, do it again, do it again. And so this is how self sabotage becomes seductive and then addictive, because our brain is actually saying, ooh, that
felt good. But the thing that many people don't understand, especially if they've been in this position for years, is that the hit of dopamine that you'll get from doing the behavior that's aligned with who you want to be and where you want to go is even harder, more prominent, and more enjoyable for your brain than if you just
repeat the self sabotage habit. So if Natalie actually put her shoes on and said I'm doing it this afternoon, got her shoes on before she'd even thought about it or could talk herself out of it, and got out the door, how she would feel on the way back from that is this huge surge of oh, my goodness, I'm in alignment. This is who I want to be. How good is that? So what we want to do is hack that dopamine hit. And the way you can do it is by doing a small step in the
right direction. And what happens with dope mean is it goes We're going in the right direction, and this right direction actually feels so much better than staying stuck in our cycle. So you repeat that until it starts to become more of your identity. It starts to become just more of this who you are, and then you add something else.
I absolutely love that. Whether you're someone like me who has done fifty thousand personal training sessions over two decades, I know how hard it is. I don't even like working out myself. I think, like you said, it's discomfort. That's the whole point. We could speak for hours. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for coming on the Woodland today. I've learned a lot. I actually think I'll have changed a little bit today and how I talk to people. Thank you so much.
Thank you, that's so kind of it. Thanks Sam, It's been a pleasure.
I think that's the most emotional effelt on the show since we started. Because of how many inverted commas, Natalie, conversations I have had with beautiful people over my long career. I learned a lot. I loved every second of it. I love getting real and raw and could tell that Beck just got it, and that's what it's all about. Loved it, loved it, loved it, loved it. Next up,
we're going to get a little bit less serious. We're going to pack our bags, we're going to jump on a plane, and we're going to talk about how you can maintain a good healthiness and happiness while on holidays. We all get a little bit worried that we're going to drop the ball completely and gain a few holiday kilos, which are no big deal. And I think Lana sums it up beautifully when she asked this question.
Hi, Sam, I'm lucky enough to be heading away internationally on a holiday after a long, long, long time in lockdown. Just wondering what your top tips are when it comes to enjoying absolutely still enjoying, but sticking to as much as you can of routine, getting the exercise in, particularly when you're in a bit of a foreign surrounding, not as familiar with the foods, et cetera, et cetera.
Thanks, So it's such a great question. I always go back to the fundamentals and I'll get to it in the second But the first part is you're absolutely right, let your head down and enjoy it. I don't think, particularly in international holiday when you haven't had one for so long, is a time where you should worry about getting fitter or losing weight. I think if you can stay healthy and be happy whilst on holiday, that's all
you should worry about. And to answer your question in practical terms, walking or jogging is going to be your best friend. And I personally think there's no better way to explore a new place. I think what you miss in ubers and cabs and trains you absolutely pick up either on a bike or walking or running. You just notice more because you're moving more slowly. You know it might get lost a few times, but that's all part
of the journey. I know. I always sort of set myself out for a forty five minute walk and tend to walk for an hour and a half because I get really really lost in foreign countries all the time. But it's just a really good way to see a place, a really good way to burn calories a really good way to stay fit and healthy, even going on some
famous walks or runs, you know. I know when I was in San Francisco last a few years ago before COVID, we did the Golden gate Bridge bike ride and it was just one of these you know, it's a bit of a special selfie moment, but it's just a beautiful thing to do. It's a three or four hour bike ride. I think doing things where you're combining exploration and exercise, that's a really good way to do it. And if
you love training, try different gyms. Instead of that anxiety or stress of I'm going to lose my routine, turn it on its head and say I actually see this as the best opportunity to explore new exercise. And it might be just basic cardio walking, jogging, riding, or getting into different gyms, doing a boxing class, you know, in a famous gym over here, or you know, throwing myself completely out there and doing these wacky classes that I've never sort of thought of that might not even exist
in Australia. There's some really cool stuff out there, and class pass is a really good way to find those things because you don't actually have to become a member of places. You can get a class pass and it'll tell you you can choose what type of work you like a yoga or pilates or dance or whatever it is, and then it'll tell you where those particular facilities that
give those classes are located nearby. So from a food perspective, of course, you want to let your hair down and not worry about it too much, but the fundamentals don't change. If you're still eating good quality, real food, and you're still eating protein, and you're still eating vegetables, and you're not eating too many refined sugars or processed carbs, you're
going to be fine. And if you're in Italy and you love pizza and you love gelato and you love pasta go nuts, just remember what goes in needs to come off. And you might only be walking in your life in Australia for thirty minutes a day, but if you went out last night and you had a bottle of red and you had a pizza, and you had a pasta Entrey and you loved every second of it, you might walk for an hour and a half the next day just to break even. And then you get
the best of both worlds. You've got the exploration, you haven't gained any weight, You've tasted the local, delicious food, but enjoy every second of it. Don't stress about it. Getting in shape has no finish line. If you gain a few kilos but have the best holiday of your life, it's still the best holiday of your life, and it won't be hard to lose those when you get home. You'll have those memories forever. So Lana and everybody else heading away on a holiday, I hope that helped a
little bit. As I said, they absolutely meant to be enjoyed. If you have any other questions like Lanna did, please send them in through an audio message. There's a link in the show notes. And on top of that, I'd love to know where you listen to the wood Life podcast. Our great group of listeners. I don't know what I'm going to call you Woodlifers. We'll go with wood Lifers. Our great group of Woodlifers is growing all the time. We get so many beautiful messages, so much great feedback.
But where are you listening to the wood Life podcast? Are you a walker and a listener or are you listening to it in the car or how do you listen to the wood Life Take a little selfie, upload that photo and hag in the Woodlife podcast Instagram so I can see it, because I'm on that all the time, and I would love to hear from you. Love to see where you're listening from. I'll give you a little shout out, and of course I'll be back on Monday
for another motivational moment. And remember you can listen for free to your Hearts content on the iHeart Radio app. I'll see you guys soon.