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I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times. And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director. You might know me from The League, Veep, or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters. We come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits,
Fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them. We're talking Parasite the Home Alone. From Grease to the Dark Knight. So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure. Listen to Unschooled wherever you get your podcasts. And don't forget to hit the... I bought a little house on a quiet cul-de-sac right by the woods. I bought it for myself but it seemed like the sort of place someone could start a family.
I learned shortly after moving in, however, that this neighborhood wasn't free of danger. It just didn't come from anywhere I expected it to. I first heard the name Orris Bull at a neighborhood barbecue hosted by an older couple named Leo and Lucille who live at the end of the cul-de-sac.
They came to my door and invited me directly, saying they really hoped I would come meet some of my new neighbors. I told them I would, even though stuff like that makes me really anxious. I hate meeting new people, to be honest. I rarely connect with them.
And when I do, I tend to get burnt out and eventually let the friendship fizzle. But I figured, since I live here now, I should at least get to know the names and faces of the people around me, and the block party might be a nice way to get it over with all at once. I figured I would just stop by and say a few hellos, but shortly after I arrived, Leo stuck a plate with an open burger in my hands and introduced me to the people living next door to them.
I filled the rest of my plate while attempting to give a cohesive yet brief version of my life story, then tried to eat while answering the neighbor's follow-up questions and politely asking my own. I got passed around like a card for everyone to sign their name in. Some folks seemed genuinely interested in me. Others didn't care to converse for long.
I was about to pour myself a cup of punch to wet my tired mouth when I heard Lucille practically shout, Oh good, Jared, you made it. You have to meet your new next-door neighbor. As far as I knew, I was the only newbie on the block, so I automatically turned to acknowledge the situation. That's when I first saw Jared Brennan, my new next-door neighbor.
Judging by his awkward smile and the crooked way he stood like he was forcing his body to appear casual, I assumed Jared felt about as uncomfortable as me at the prospect of our introduction. I wondered what incentive or guilt the older couple leveraged to lure him out since, based on his complexion, he did not appear to leave his house often. I wasn't judging him. He reminded me quite a bit of myself, which provided the slightest comfort.
I didn't think I would need to put on my social mask to talk to him. Lucille introduced us. Jared, this is Guy DeChamp. He just moved in next door to you. Hi, said Jared. Hi, I replied. Lucille clapped her hands together and gasped. Oh, you didn't bring Benny. Oh, it would have been such a treat to have him here tonight. I bet he would have loved a hot dog, right?
Uh, I try not to feed him too much processed food, but yeah, Jared replied. Lucille explained, Benny is Jared's sweet little terrier and he is just the cutest yippy little thing. Oh, dogs are great, I replied with forced enthusiasm. Multiple seconds passed in silence with Lucille smiling broadly and glancing back and forth between us.
Finally, she said, Well, I'll let you two get to know each other. I'd better refresh the punch. And then she left us standing there with our hands shoved into our jeans' pockets, which are never quite large enough to comfortably fit hands, are they? So you lived here long? I asked. Jared shrugged. It's been a while, I guess. Let me see. Eight years now? Long enough to know you have to come to these things.
How come? I asked, not sure if he was joking. Leo and Lucille are like the unofficial grandma and grandpa of this neighborhood. They're nice people, but if you snub them, they can turn this whole street against you. Do they do these often? I asked, gesturing toward Leo's grill. Jared said, Eh, once or twice a year. It's not so bad. The food usually makes it worth it. Oh, you should get some, I said, seeing an opportunity to end the conversation and maybe sneak back home.
You up for seconds? Jared asked in a way that made me feel like I should be. Uh, sure. Well, then come on. We joined the food line together while I told Jared the story of how I ended up there. Basically college, then a couple of jobs that led to better opportunities that afforded me the ability to purchase a home. Boring stuff. Jared pretended to be interested though. By the time we reached the end of the buffet line, his plate full and mine decorated with a variety of chips,
I had actually started to like him. He mentioned playing Baldur's Gate 3 and League of Legends. two video games I'd sunk dozens of hours into, so we bonded over our mutual love of gaming for a while until a hoarse voice coming from the back of the yard interrupted us and silenced everyone at the party. What's all this noise? You're gonna draw it out. Oh, God, Jared mumbled. He turned toward the back fence. My eyes followed.
Excuse me, Leo said, pushing past us. I noticed a shirtless man moving in the trees behind the fence. He held something in one hand that he used to hack through some of the smaller plants in his way. It's Oris, Jared said, shaking his head. Did you know he was back? I heard one of the neighbors I'd met earlier ask another. No, did they let him out again? The neighbor replied. You know about Oris Bull, right? Jared asked me.
I shook my head. Jared rolled his eyes. Well, you're in for a treat. Don't get freaked out. He's harmless as far as we know. Just kind of a pest. The shirtless man emerged from the woods holding a hatchet that he may have occasionally used to trim his own hair and beard. Neither looked like they'd been cut with a very sharp blade or with any regularity.
He was smudged with dirt, with scratches all over his exposed torso. His baggy black work pants protected his legs, but his bare feet looked gnarled and bloody. Does he live in the woods? I asked Jared. He lives wherever he's tolerated, Jared replied. We listened as Leo confronted the man. Orris, what's the problem? It's all this noise y'all are making, Chief. You know we don't like the noise. You know what it's gonna do.
Leo said, we're just having a barbecue. I don't think we're bothering anyone. Besides, everyone within earshot was invited. Would have invited you if I knew you were around. I sensed a lie. It's too loud, Oris repeated. Y'all make my job a lot harder, you know. I gotta work double to- Speaking of that, Leo interrupted. Tom told me somebody stole some landscaping rocks out of his garden the other day. That wouldn't have been you, would it have?
Horus replied, rocks is just nature, sir, can't steal nature. That's not true, Oris. We don't want to have a problem with you, but if you keep stealing our property and damaging these trees, we're going to have to involve the police. Jared leaned toward me and mumbled, not that it'll do anything. What? I asked.
the police even if they arrest him which they almost never do he won't get prosecuted he'll sit in jail for a day or two and they'll just let him back out Even with the fence between them, Leo was standing well within range of its blade. He must have really trusted that Orris was harmless to stand so close, because if the clearly unhinged man decided to swing, Leo'd have been bleeding out his neck before he even noticed the movement. You hungry? Leo asked Oris. Oh, please don't, muttered Jared.
No sir, the Lord provides for me as thanks for my service, sir. I do not need to beg for the generosity of others to provide for myself as the Lord provides what I need to show me he appreciates me keeping that evil back out here away from all these homes and such. Leo said, If the Lord used me to provide you a plate right now, would you leave us alone to enjoy this barbecue in peace?
Orris seemed to consider this, then smiled and reached his hand over the fence to open the gate. But, Leo stopped him, you can come get a plate on the condition you leave that hatchet by the woods. Oh, but sir, I can't put it down seeing as you know what might come out of the woods on account of the noise, sir. Horace?
Lucille passed by Jared and I offering a wan smile. She carried a full plate to Leo, who gave her a grateful nod and took it. Her delivery complete, she retreated back a few steps. Well, here you go anyway, Leo said, handing the plate to Oris. Horus accepted, saying, Thank you very much, sir. The Lord has blessed me through your kindness. Then he took his plate and his hatchet, which he raised above his head in a terrifying gesture meant as some sort of salute as he returned to the woods.
I started to ask Jared, what was he talking? But Jared shushed me as Leo walked right up to us. That there was Orris Bull, Leo said. County prosecutor says he's harmless, but if you had to guess, what do you think? The good news is he's out there doing the Lord's work, according to him. Don't mind that the Lord's always telling him to cut down our trees and bust up our landscaping. And murder our pets, someone I didn't see shouted near the buffet line.
Leo agreed with a firm finger pointed in their direction. Trying to speak directly to Jared, I asked, Is he on drugs or something? He must be on something, Lucille answered, creeping in between us. Leo stepped in behind her and put a hand on her shoulder. He said, even if he's not on anything now, he cooked his brain on something. He's been terrorizing this area for about two years now. Never once seen him in a normal state of mind. He doesn't even sleep, Lucille added.
Jared explained. You'll probably hear him screaming some nights. It's, um, alarming, but nothing to worry about. That's what you think, Leo scoffed. I doubt it's the Lord keeping him up out there, said Lucille. As the older folks worked each other up, their gossip evolved from rumors about the homeless man in the woods to commentary on the general laziness and malpractice of the local judicial system. Jared leaned toward me and whispered, Do you like twisted tea?
I said, can't say I've ever had it. I like them because you can barely taste the alcohol, he said. My eyebrows went up. Oh, it's a hard drink? Sold. We gave our hosts a brief thank you and good night, which was easier than it would have been without their being so invested in juicy conversation. Jared walked me to his house right next to mine.
His little dog Benny greeted me with adorable hostility at the door. Lucille hadn't been kidding when she called him a yippy little thing. The dog had the tiniest bark I'd ever heard and wouldn't shut up even after Jared scolded him and eventually had to pick him up. Fortunately, by the time we opened our second round of drinks, Benny warmed up to me and even sat on my lap as we sat on Jared's back porch in the post-dusk stillness.
We'd mostly discussed video games as we drank our first teas, but now, slightly buzzed, I found myself excitedly curious about the unhinged man living behind our neighborhood. Maybe for obvious reasons, the realtor hadn't said a word to me about that particular situation when I bought my house. Oris, oris, oris, Jared began. People have a lot more to say about him than what they know. All that stuff about him killing pets.
I doubt it's true. Or if it is, I don't know for sure. Nobody does. What I do know is he never gets prosecuted when he's arrested, which means he either isn't doing the stuff they say he is, or the county doesn't care. Which is it? I asked, sensing he had an inclination toward one. He proved me wrong with a shrug. Depends who you ask, really. We both took long pulls from our cans. Jared sighed deeply, studying the label.
He looked into the woods and seemed to fixate on the trees. When he spoke again, it startled me a little. What I can tell you is he really believes in that devil stuff. you know, the Lord's work as he called it tonight. That's been consistent ever since he moved into this area. He thinks a literal devil is in the woods and that by building these crazy crosses and structures that he makes out there, he's keeping it at bay.
And yeah, it's true that he's definitely done some property damage in the process, but, like, who gets to decide the difference between being crazy and having different beliefs? Self-fulfilling prophecy, I said, slurring my words. I sucked the moisture off my lips and said, sorry, I mean, this Oris guy, he's creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. He says what he's doing is keeping the devil away, so by doing it, he's making it impossible what I mean.
if what that guy's doing out there is working, we wouldn't know it, right? Because the devil would never show up to prove him right. Huh, Jared replied, this time without the question mark. I couldn't tell if I was making any... sense. I'm not a big drinker, so a twisted tea and a half had me pretty slushy up top. Jared picked up the conversational slack.
I don't know, man. I guess my thinking is he hasn't hurt anybody, and nobody can prove he's killed anybody's pets. So live and let live, you know? I shrugged. I couldn't argue with him even though I kind of wanted to. I pretended to keep drinking as we wrapped the evening up. I told Jared I didn't have any diseases if he wanted to finish my drink after I left it on his counter on my way out the door.
I'd been right about him. He was a bit awkward like me, but I guess we cancelled each other's weirdness out. I was glad to know I had a friend next door. Somewhere in the woods. I moved in late in April, so it would have been slightly over a month later that Jared came knocking on my door just after dark. His mouth moved, but no words came out. He held up. an empty dog collar with the tags still attached.
Did he get out? I asked. I had already started reaching for my shoes. Jared nodded. His jaw clenched and his eyes focused between our houses at the trees behind them. Uh, hang on, did he go into the woods? I stopped with one shoe halfway on my foot. Remember, I said Jared came to my door just after dusk. It was dark, getting darker by the second. I watched the reflecting light disappear from Benny's dangling tag. He can't have gone too far, please, Jared begged.
He didn't need to add that he was too scared to go in alone. I could see that. I finished putting on my shoes. At the edge of the woods, I asked, which way did he go? He didn't. Go, Jared whispered. He looked so pale he practically glowed under the rising moon. I stared at him for a few seconds before asking, Boris? Had to be, Jared replied. He clenched his jaw again.
Well, I guess I was wrong, huh? Jared snarled. Bet Leo's gonna rub this in when he hears. Bet he's gonna think it's real funny that the big-hearted lib down the street who just wanted to give a guy the benefit of the doubt got his dog stolen for some sacrificial ritual or- whatever you saw oris take him i asked no but i don't know how he possibly could have gotten out of the fence it's the only thing that makes sense
Is that what he does with them? Sacrifices them? I asked. Jared's voice rose higher. I don't know. I didn't think he was actually taking pets, remember? Now I'm gonna kill him. I swear to God, Guy, I'm gonna kill him with his own hatchet when I find him. This might not be a good idea, I said. You don't say, he fired back.
I couldn't shake the thought that he was impersonating a character from a game, some valiant if somewhat brainless warrior type who would surely die, maybe even soon, but who would do so in service of a worthy cause and in a blaze of glory. This type of character could not have been further from Jared's true self, but I felt he was manifesting the personality to motivate himself to cross the threshold into those woods.
I chose my own character, someone more level-headed but still brave enough to drive himself toward danger. Someone with a much higher chance of survival, I thought. Okay, let's do this, I said, my voice even diving a little deeper to match my adopted personality. When Jared's eyes went wide, I realized he'd actually wanted me to talk him out of going into the woods after his dog and the purported madman who allegedly stole him. He really had just been acting.
A gruff voice split through the trees. Blanket corruption breaks the tyrant last. Maybe try calling for Benny first, I suggested. searching for any way to locate Benny without going near Oris. His voice sounded as brutal as his hatchet, and his words sounded manic. Jared nodded and whistled, Benny, here boy. The devil's feet, the hoarse voice called, then paused. A moment later, it shouted,
Stay out of these woods if you ain't pure. Y'all here? Jared whispered. I'm gonna kill him. Swear to God, I'm gonna put a stop to this. Why don't we just call the police? I reasoned. You know why they never do anything about this guy. But if you tell them there's two of us and one of him, let's just get this over with. Without taking another breath, Jared stepped into the trees. I asked after him, Did you bring a flashlight at least?
He showed me his phone then turned on its mediocre light. While I'm no outdoorsman, I knew we would need a lot more light in the woods at night than our phones could provide. I told Jared not to go any further and climbed over my own backyard fence to run back to my house for a real flashlight. Get started with the commerce platform made for entrepreneurs. Shopify is specially designed to help you start, run,
And grow your business with easy, customizable themes that let you build your brand. Marketing tools that get your products out there. Integrated shipping solutions that actually save you time. From startups to scale-ups, online, in person, and on the go. Shopify is made for online. Sign up for your $1 a month trial at shopify.com. I don't have much time. I am being transported by the Ecclesiast vessel Markava to stand trial for heresy of the highest order. But I will not renounce my work.
And to my last breath, I will speak the truth of this plague-ridden world, that ours is not a loving God, and we... are not its favored children. The Heresies of Red Elf Bandwine. Chapter 2. Coming right first. When I returned I whispered for Jared. I couldn't see his light anywhere in the trees. When he did not reply, I said his name a little louder. Then I shouted it. No answer, still. Manifesting that protagonist energy again, I entered the woods to pursue him.
The woods felt bleak. I grew up in a similar area, and we could always hear bugs and frogs chirping at night, sometimes owls hooting up in the trees. These woods were completely silent. Every noise I made automatically became the loudest sound around.
This might have made me nervous if I'd sensed any other living thing around me. I told myself nocturnal predators are adept at stalking their prey without giving any warning signs, but then I realized for predators to be in the area, they would need something to prey upon. As far as I could tell, these woods were devoid of any creatures positioned low on the food chain.
I realized only then that I hadn't seen any squirrels or rabbits since moving in. You'd think they would be abundant in such a quiet wooded area. Everything smelled wet. Being late in spring, we'd experienced plenty of rain over the previous weeks. The entire forest gave off a fungal aroma, the smell of green and brown.
All of the rain brought out the ground vegetation, which was thick enough to hide my feet from me in some places. The trees had yet to grow all of their leaves, but most had begun to sprout them. They kept out most of the moonlight, but not quite all. Everything outside my flashlight's beam looked like a photo negative.
I tried calling for Jared again, but couldn't bring myself to yell anywhere close to full volume. I guessed I would come across him soon enough. It had taken less than two minutes for me to get my flashlight and come back. He could not have possibly walked too far ahead. A bellowing shout to my left caught me completely off guard. With a shout of my own, I spun my light around while simultaneously falling backward against the nearest tree.
My light landed on the one and only Horus Bull. Shirtless, his wiry muscles twitching under his dirty, thin skin. He held his hatchet raised above his head, and his eyes stared straight back through my light at me. He slowly reached with his non-hatchet-wielding hand into a pocket next to the knee of his black work pants. Hey man, I don't want any trouble, I stammered.
I put my own free hand in the air to gesture good faith. His eyes never leaving me, Orris pulled something out of his pocket and threw it at me, screaming, Vessel for evil, get away from here. The thrown object landed next to my feet. I looked down. Though difficult to see in the vegetation and mud, I saw a small, simple effigy made of twigs and twine. It was crude, but somehow I instantly recognized its human shape.
One twig ran vertically as the torso and head, with two tied horizontally as the arms and legs, sticking straight out to the side. I'm not a vessel of evil. The words tumbled out of my mouth, sounding entirely ridiculous. I'm not sure if this was real or a detail I'm adding in my recollection, but I think I saw fear in his eyes. His threatening posture seemed completely disconnected from what I saw behind his eyes when I stared back at him, waiting to see what he'd do next. I realized he...
He didn't look that threatening, actually. Defensive is the word I'd use now. I said, I just came in here looking for my friend who lost his dog. Dog? Lost in the woods? Horace asked, glancing from side to side. Dog's gone. No dogs out here. Don't make it. Gotta give the devil a little piece. Little treats. Little treats. Little treats for big prizes.
Little treats for big prizes, that's what. Y'all live safe for little treats. Teeny little... Your name is Orris, right? I cut in before his babbling escalated. I'm Guy. That's my name, I mean. Orris lowered his hatchet about halfway, but still held it ready to swing at a moment's notice. His eyes wouldn't stop moving, flicking from side to side. So someone else is here, huh? Someone alone? All alone here? He asked. I said, yeah, my friend Jared. Have you seen him?
I know where it takes the little treats, Horace said. He locked eyes with me again and nodded once, a curt nod as if he'd just given me a direct order. Utilizing a gentle, prying tone to hopefully avoid triggering some kind of aggressive defense, I asked, Hey, um, Oris, did you maybe take or, like, catch a little dog around our neighborhood tonight? Orris stepped forward, placing his free hand on his chest and finally lowering his hatchet all the way. He leaned in a little as he said,
I know what they say, friend. Lies from the evil under all these roots, I swear it. He raised his flat palm upward to accompany these sounds. And the wind takes him to you and your neighbors. Blows him right into y'all's heads is what it does. So I guess you're saying you didn't take Jared's dog then? I asked, nodding to show I believed him even though I couldn't be sure.
Nope. I didn't take no dog tonight or any other night. Or any cat, now you mention it. Only animals I touch get caught in my traps out here. In the wild. Nature. But I know where it takes its little treats. I know just the spot. He made a tubular sucking sound, pinched the fingers of his raised hand together like a teepee, and drew them down to illustrate. Could you take me there? I asked without fully understanding what he meant.
Following him seemed like a more viable option than wandering aimlessly, though, and it sounded like even if he didn't touch Benny, the poor dog might still be in danger. Plus, I wanted to get moving so I could catch up with Jared. Hey, Oris said, closing the gap between us, save for a few inches. You, don't touch my sacraments. They all have a purpose. They all have their place. Before I could ask what he meant, Orris beckoned me to follow him and cut between two close trees.
Will I know what your, uh, sacraments are? I asked. I don't want to touch one on accident. Here, Oris said, pointing at something just beyond my flashlight's glow. There's one. I shone my light where his finger directed it. A twist of long, thin branches tied into a knot hung from the branch of a tree up ahead. The knot's loops looked wide enough to easily throw a baseball through from our distance, but the branches looked bent to their breaking points.
That's a sacrament? I asked. Horace nodded. simplest knot in the world, finds the evil here, ties it up, crosses over itself three times, holding number three, holy trinity. Easy to make, easy to undo. It's a placeholder. I nodded like I understood perfectly and made sure to keep at least a few hatchet's lengths behind him as we continued onward. I wasn't sure if I should speak or not.
Oris wasn't like a misunderstood outcast from a movie who's shunned from society but is deep down a really nice and maybe even sweet guy. He was cold, distracted, and... Look, I know it's not considered correct to say it anymore, but yes. Absolutely, beyond a reasonable doubt, crazy. His cold distance didn't stem from social ineptitude like mine. It came from his obviously authentic belief that he had a God-given duty to protect us all from the devil, or at least some kind of evil.
He believed it, and in his world it made perfect sense. As he led me through trees he'd marked with shreds of clothing and by sacraments he'd built from branches or stones, he could explain the purpose for each with fervorish conviction. Yet, no matter how well he described their purposes, he just seemed to me more and more, sorry, crazy.
But I must say he didn't strike me as necessarily bad either. The longer we trekked, the more inclined I felt to believe Jared's initial instinct that Orris was overall harmless. I even began to spend less time tracking his hatchet over time. My opinion of my guide changed slightly after he paused to tap a frayed rope that went up high into one tree and said, Watch out for the trap. Not quite really wanting to know, I asked. What are those for?
Horace kicked something on the ground I failed to see and a chicken wire cage dropped down from the tree. He looked up at me, shrugging like, isn't it obvious? And said, little treats to keep it at bay. We continued our journey to where the muddy vegetation under our feet crossfaded to rough stone.
This was the base of a shallow hill. The trees became more sparse as the dirt vanished behind us. Now the ground we tread over glistened up at us reflecting tiny shards of moonlight that shimmered before we crunched them beneath our feet. Or at least I crunched them. Orris's bear feet made no sound on the stone.
He led me about halfway up the hill to where a cluster of boulders of various size sat like waiting wise men with a crucial mission to bestow upon us. More video game references, I know. Sorry, it's kind of the way I relate to the world. That whole night felt a bit like playing a game, like we'd stepped out of reality. I only wish I could have shut it off before everything that happened in act.
Beside the boulders, Orris had piled well over 100 flat stones all over at least a foot long to form the shape of an enormous cross across the ground. The foot of the cross pointed toward a long slit in the stony hill just a few feet further up. The narrow opening looked like God had swung his own hatchet down upon the earth and gashed it open.
A mouth for the treats, Orris whispered, pointing to the opening. He didn't appear willing to walk beyond the stone cross. I stepped cautiously ahead of him, then looked back for his approval. He looked nervous. No, downright scared. But he waved me onward anyway, like I needed to see what was up there. The higher I climbed, the wider the gash became until I realized the opening was not narrow at all. That had been an illusion caused by our low elevation.
At my new height, I looked down into a jagged maw the size of a backyard swimming pool. Standing at its edge, I felt the cool air around my ankles being sucked down into the almost vertical cave and recalled the sucking sound Orris made earlier. It made perfect sense now. I had trouble steadying my hand as I shone my light down into the cavern. If you couldn't guess, I'm afraid of heights.
and I could now see the cave burrowed at least a hundred feet down, probably. Whatever the true distance, it was enough to kill most things that fell into that hole, as evidenced by the pile of small bones at the bottom. I say most things because it appeared a few small animals had attempted to climb back out, only to perish on the steep incline and rot away. I saw the skeletons of rabbits, squirrels, cats, and dogs.
There were even a couple of deer down there, although it appeared their bodies may have been smashed to pieces upon their landing. None of their bones looked connected. None of the animals' bones did. I looked only long enough to determine there were no human remains at the base of the cave and not the fresh body of a terrier, then backed away.
Where's my dog? I heard Jared bellow behind me. I spun around and trained my flashlight on him as he emerged from the trees, stomping up the stony hill. Horace's grip tightened around his hatchet. Jared, hey, I said, moving to intervene. Oris didn't take Benny. He's been trying to help me find you and him. Is this where you keep them? Jared demanded, deaf with rage. He pointed at the cross made of stones. I could practically hear the spit flying off his lips.
Horace said nothing and looked at me like, are you going to handle this? I said, Jared, please stop and listen to us. There's this giant hole over here, and I think it's possible. Get out of my way. Jared barked and grabbed my arm, holding the flashlight. He wasn't particularly strong, but neither was I. When I pulled away from him, I tripped.
I didn't quite fall, but I stumbled badly and ended up a few feet down the hill. I caught myself in time to watch Jared's moonlit silhouette shove orises away from the cross. Jared fell to his knees next to one of the cross's arms and started pulling rocks off of it, tossing them up the hill.
I know you hide something under these things, freak, Jared growled back. Oris grabbed Jared's shoulder to pull him away. Jared pushed him back again. His voice, hot and wet, Oris growled, You'll let it out. You'll kill us all. Jared yanked a particularly large stone out of the cross's arm, causing a small avalanche of stones to fall away from the sacrament.
I tried to get between them before Orris grabbed Jared's shoulder again, but I came up a second late. Jared shoved Orris again, this time rising to his feet. He swung a flimsy punch in Orris's direction. raised his hatchet. I barely recall what happened next. I had so much adrenaline coursing through me, it's like it took over my body. I wasn't thinking. Merely acting. Reacting.
I lunged at Orris. I guess I was going to grab him before he could swing at my friend, but it was so dark and I was so hopped up on adrenaline, and what I actually did was ram into him and knock him backwards. Orris almost caught himself, but he tripped over one of the stones Jared had tossed up the hill. I lunged forward a second time, this time trying to catch him, but the sucking hole caught him first. His balance tipped behind me.
beyond saving. As my hand reached out for him, it caught only air. With a long cry of terror and defeat, Oris plummeted through the blackness until we heard the crushing thud. had signaled his end. DC High Volume, Batman. The Dark Knight's definitive DC comic stories, adapted directly for audio for the very first time. I have to make them afraid. He's got a motorcycle. Get after him or I'll have you shot. What do you mean blow up the building? From this moment on, none of you are safe.
Wednesday, wherever you get your podcasts. Hey everybody, it's Paul Scheer and Amy Nicholson from Unspooled. This week on Unspooled, we celebrate 45 years. The SQL that redefined SQL. The puppets! The pathos! I know you say that with a question mark. So join us as we break down Yoda's wisdom, daddy issues, and why this might be the greatest middle chapter in movie history.
I didn't want to look, but I felt I had to to make sure he wasn't still alive down there. I didn't know what I would do if he was still breathing. I shone my light down. The tangled, bloody mess it showed me could not have contained life. Most of what it had previously contained was now splattered. over the white bones around it.
Jared came to my side at the edge of the maw and touched my shoulder lightly. I did not look his direction. Look at all those bones, he said, somehow ignoring the broken man in the middle of them. He said, don't feel bad. That guy's probably been tossing animals down this hole for years. What a sick, demented...
Jared cut himself short as we both felt the air around our ankles quicken. It reverberated in a hum as it twisted down the throat of the cave. Behind us, one of the rocks Jared dislodged slid away from the cross and tumbled down the hill. he'd probably left it in a precarious position primed to fall away but its scraping echoes still sounded ominous and threatening for the first time i noticed the trees rustling
their mostly naked branches clattering against one another. Some of the drier, deader branches creaked and groaned. Down below, Horus twitched. The second time he moved, I felt like I lifted off the ground. My throat seized. One of Orris' legs had landed beneath a bulge just above the cave floor and lay out of sight. It was his leg from which I realized his movement stemmed. The leg jerked again, causing rippling movement up his body. Then he slid an inch toward the bulge.
He continued to slide and stilted jerks. reminding me of a National Geographic video that traumatized me as a child. The video depicted a crocodile chomping at the body of a wild pig until the pig's body disappeared down the crocodile's throat. The way the pig in that video had jerked on its way down was exactly the way Orris' body did now. The bulge in the rock below must have disguised the opening of a deeper portion of the cave, and something inside.
was slowly consuming the former protector of the woods. We need to get out of here, Jared said. We both looked away, unable to stomach the slow consumption occurring below us. I wasn't sure if a bear or something worse lurked down there, but I didn't want to be near it. I ran down the hill, stopping myself against one of the boulders.
Jared followed at a distance, seemingly less afraid than me. Don't we need to call somebody? We should report this, I said. Jared said, What are you talking about? You just murdered somebody. We gotta get out of here. I argued, it was just an accident. It'll look way worse if somebody figures out we were here with him and did nothing. And who would do that? Who's even going to notice he's gone? Jared asked. He added,
If anyone does notice, it'll only be because they're glad he's not around anymore. The cops ignored him up until now. Why would they suddenly show interest after he stops causing problems? Growing angry. After all, I was only out in those woods trying to help Jared. I asked, don't you feel guilty at all? Jared looked back at the trees and appeared to lose himself in thought.
Then he jerked and spun his head back to me, his eyes briefly flashing a red reflection in the flashlight's glow. He shouted, Benny's still out there, and ran down the hill. I followed him but spared one last glance over my shoulder at the cavernous maw whose throat was littered with the bones of so many little treats. My eyes detected a moving shape rising from the cave, a large black form growing under the moonlight.
It grew until it was taller than a large man, and then continued to grow, expanding in girth as it rose in height. I saw only the furry silhouette of this enormous beast, but that was enough to know it was definitely not a bear. I don't think a bear could have climbed up that steep shaft so quickly anyway. I caught up to Jared, grabbed his arm, and pointed back at the thing emerging from the cave. He almost tripped over his own feet when he looked back at its shapeless form.
We ran through the first few rows of trees, dodging low branches and toppled dead trunks until we could hear the lumbering thing crashing through the woods behind us. I realized I still held a glowing signal for the beast and shut off my flashlight, but then I couldn't see well enough to continue at a quick enough pace to escape. I grabbed the first branch I could reach and hoisted myself up, letting my flashlight drop to the muddy ground.
I scaled that tree as deftly as I had in my youth, something I hadn't attempted in at least 15 years. My adrenalized body dug deep to find the muscle memory, and though I received dozens of scrapes, cuts, and bruises, by the time the cave beast cracked the branch I'd used to hoist myself up, I was twenty feet above its massive head. I went still and hugged the trunk, letting my body sway with the tree.
I watched the thing beneath me and wondered where Jared went. I didn't think it was a coincidence that the beast stopped its rampage directly beneath me. It knew my trail ended at that tree. Hopefully Jared was still fleeing. My sweaty hands required almost constant adjustment against the trunk, and I soon would need to adjust my feet to keep them from slipping. I worried every slight movement might alert the creature to my presence above it.
Although I still could not make out the fine details of its form, it looked to be something that could scale the tree with little effort, or even bend the trunk until it could reach me. If it noticed me, I was done for. That much I felt certain of. The beast issued a sharp huff and batted a branch away, snapping it off entirely.
I heard a patter of rapid footsteps, Jared making a futile attempt to escape. He had not thought as quickly as I had and only managed to hide himself behind a thick tree. When the beast noticed him, he had no choice but to run. No better option. Nothing he did could have changed his fate. I heard the beast lumber after him. I heard branches snapping. I heard Jared yell. Then I heard him make a sound. A sound no human is meant to hear another make.
If you've ever heard a rabbit scream when it's caught in the jaws of a rambunctious dog or maybe a hungry fox, imagine that sound coming out of someone you know. A friend. It is the second most horrible sound my ears have ever heard. preceded only by the wet crunch which followed and silenced it. I waded up in that tree as the beast dragged my friend past, pulling his body behind it like it weighed nothing.
Once it moved beyond my tree, I climbed a little higher to see above some of the trees nearest to me. I watched the beast reappear on the stony hill. It dragged Jared's still corpse, his chest shining with blood and his midsection a black hole showing through the tatters of his shirt. It dragged him up past the small boulders, past the desecrated cross. and up to the cavernous maw, where it tossed Jared's limp course down into its hole before crawling in after him.
I've beaten myself up for not taking any photos or videos of the monster from my vantage point in the tree. I could have captured it on camera if I'd had the presence of mind. I did take photos after Jared and the Beast disappeared, before I climbed down the tree. They are grainy and hard to make out, but I showed them to the police when I called to report Jared's death and the impending danger Orises had apparently unleashed.
Whether he truly kept a supernatural hold on the beast, or if he simply kept it pacified, clearly it had reacquired a taste for human flesh, and I could only assume that would soon become a deadly problem for the people living nearby. before calling anyone because I knew there would be some effort to recover Jared's body. I dumped every one of Orris's stones from his cross down the hole, then rolled as many of the smaller boulders as I could manage down on top of them, crushing them into place.
I'm not sure how long this barrier will hold, but it's something. I was brought in and interrogated about what I witnessed that night. As the sole witness of Jared's death, and seeing as I had such a dramatic and admittedly fantastical story about it, The police were very interested in me for some time, but they had to let me go because they didn't have any evidence they could use to hold me. I never mentioned Orris, so thankfully did not have to answer any questions about him.
Jared turned out to be right. The only people who even mentioned Orris' absence were those who'd wanted him to vanish anyway, and they expressed nothing but gratitude for his inexplicable disappearance. Later, everyone in the neighborhood assumed he left the area or died in the jaws of whatever I saw kill Jared.
but no one guessed at my involvement. After my release, the police interviewed me again. My story did not change, not a single detail. They revealed to me that they'd located blood and shreds of Jared's clothing as well as what they referred to as as some organic material in the woods, exactly where I described the attack occurring. They were hesitant to admit they also found large prints left by some type of four-toed, clawed animal.
The prints did not match any animal known to the area, and led from the attack scene all the way back to the rocky hill. After my release, I found out a neighbor had discovered Benny hiding under her porch. She gladly turned him over to me. He's alive and healthy today. Why I remain in this home so close to the potential danger that may or may not still lurk down in that cave. While it's for the same reason I still occasionally make excursions into the woods to fix up Oris' sacraments,
I feel a responsibility to protect this neighborhood, this town, and the people in it. I still don't know if anything Orris did protected us before, but I can't bring myself to let his work fall apart now, just in case it did. I'll tell you one thing I have noticed since my release that's different. Now the neighborhood is full of all the little woodland creatures you'd expect. Squirrels, rabbits, raccoons. The woods are full of them. I guess if they feel safe to move back...
I can feel safe being here too. Hopefully none of us have to worry about becoming something's little treats anymore. You made it out. Congratulations. If you enjoyed the story, please rate, like, review, or subscribe. For ad-free episodes and bonus Into the Woods episodes, become a patron with the link in the description. You can also support the show by buying merch. That link is also in the description below.
To stay up to date, follow me on Instagram at TheWarningWoods. And if you feel ready, meet me here next week for another journey into The Warning Woods. Thank you for listening. Alright girls, this is the place. We'll get everything loaded over to the boat and we'll lock up the truck. Don't leave anything behind. Wait, is that it? That's where we're going? Yeah, that's it. Seal skin rock. Whoa. Return to the mysteries and don't... Subscribe now to catch the premiere, and we'll see you next time.
You are now entering Springfield. Where's the body? Off the side of the ditch down there. Hello? You know. surrounded by all this crime scene tape. Hello? Am I dead? My name is John. I'm the new forensic pathologist. I can see you, and that's how we'll figure out how you were murdered. He took this away from all of us! 31-year-old female. I'm dead, John. This is about the last amount of fun I'll have. Case number 1017. Case 2457.
It's okay. It's just you and me now. Who are you talking to? Oh, no one. Let's keep this between us, huh? Listen to How I Died, a full cast police and medical procedural with over 40 episodes available now on all podcast apps.