Yes, We're Talking New Year’s Resolutions (and Goals, and Kale) – But Stick with Me, It's Not What You Think!

So have you ever set a goal to be a super fit, kale smoothie loving, sunrise jogging person, only to find yourself binge watching shows with a bag of chips somewhere by week two of the new year? But what if I told you that there is a way to set goals that won't make your couch miss you so much, might actually make you happier. Sorry though, kale is still going to taste like kale, which is kind of like dirt.

Or do you set new year's resolutions with the same enthusiasm as choosing a dentist for a root canal. But what if there is a way to pick goals that you don't feel like you're punishing yourself for something that you didn't even do? Or have you ever chased a goal like it is the last bus of the night only to catch it and realize it's absolutely going in the wrong direction?

What if I told you that the secret to fulfilling goals is not just in the chasing, but in chatting with your thoughts and feelings along the way, and not in a way that will eventually see you in a padded room. We're talking about more like discovering and making friends with your internal GPS that actually has legit updated maps of all the streets of where you're going to get and actually tells you where the in and outs are ahead of you and not behind you.

So if any of these things resonate with you, then I really do think that you're going to appreciate today's episode more than you can even imagine. And I'm even going to use what might be my very last cliche card of 2023. Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life. These things and so much more coming up on today's episode of The Virtual Couch.

Music. Hey everybody, welcome to episode 407, possibly the last Virtual Couch episode of the year. I am your host, Tony Overbay, a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified Mindful Habit Coach, and host of this podcast, The Virtual Couch, as well as Waking Up to Narcissism, and a plethora of others, including Love ADHD with my friend Julie Lee, Murder on the Couch, The Mind, the Mirror, and Me, both of those hosted with my daughters, Sydney and Mackie, respectively.

I would love for you to check all of those podcasts out. And as a matter of fact, Sydney and I have been doing some relationship lives over on TikTok and those are picking up some steam and we'll bring those over into the world of Instagram live very soon. So follow me on social media at virtual couch if you're a TikTok person and at Tony Overbay underscore LMFT or at WUTN pod over on Instagram. That's for waking up to narcissism podcast as well.

I'm really enjoying doing those, especially with my daughter there. And she is, in essence, throwing out the take of the kids these days. There I am sounding like the old man again. The Magnetic Marriage Course is amazing. I'm super excited about it. There is so much work that has gone into this. It's at a much lower price than it was before. If you haven't already, sign up for my newsletter and you will know the second that it drops, which is any minute now.

So in 2024, improve your marriage. Also, The Path Back, my online pornography recovery course. Reach out to me if you want a coupon code and I will give it

to you because it is changing lives as well. And I have a new men's group starting on the waking up the narcissism side where people that are waking up to their own emotional immaturity or maybe the immaturity in their relationship, their marriage. I've got a lot of content ready for that. It's going to be a couple of group calls a month. And so you can reach out to me if you're interested in that as well. You don't even have to be a listener to waking up to narcissism.

Let's get to today's topic because it's one that I'm really excited about. I have re-ran an episode at this time of year the last couple of years. It's an episode that I did with a good friend of mine, Neil Hooper, and it's about goal setting because, of course, we've got the new year just around the corner. People will set the New Year's resolutions and people will keep them until they don't.

And as a matter of fact, I have the Forbes New Year's resolution stats at a glance for the upcoming year 2024. A new survey from Forbes Health, a poll of 1,000 U.S. Adults looked at Americans' attitudes surrounding resolution setting and what types of goals were prioritized. And there were a couple of standout themes. They say the most commonly selected New Year's resolution for 2024, a drumroll, not shockingly, fitness,

which contrasts with findings from the previous year. Last year, more people were prioritizing their mental health. So fitness has regained the top spot. Apparently, we've fixed mental health. So now it is back in the number one spot. But 62% of people feel pressured to set a New Year's resolution. And overall, 48% of people say improving fitness is the top priority. While this year, now 36% do cite the goal of improved mental health as a top resolution.

And then 55% say physical and mental health are of equal importance. Over 80% of respondents feel confident in their ability to reach their goals. And I thought that was really interesting. And I did an episode a little while ago about, I think it's 95% of people think that they are self-aware and it's more like 15% are self-aware. So I don't know if that kind of ties in there as well, but then just in general, how long does the new year's resolution last?

They say that if you find yourself in the camp of setting lofty goals for the new year, only to find yourself falling off the wagon just a few months or weeks, or I would even say days later. Rest assured you're not alone. In fact, failing at New Year's resolutions is so common there's even a slew of unofficial dates commemorating such failures. Some sources cite Ditch New Year's Resolution Day as January 17th, while others denote the second Friday in January as Quitter's Day.

But the Forbes poll found that the average resolution lasts just 3.74 months, and many of you will then beat yourselves up about not being able to keep them. And so I really believe not enough is said about the, I want to say the correct version or the best way, in my opinion, of setting goals or resolutions and how they really can be something that can help you grow and not in a way that, well, that didn't work or I made it a little bit longer this time.

But there are some really, really key principles that I think need to be talked about more that will set you up for a little bit more success. And I'm not talking about just in a hey wake up today and be the best version of you kind of way but in a changing the interior landscape of your mind or your implicit memory or what it feels like to be you.

And so I want to make sure and put these out there. So I will start with the permission of someone that is actually not named Jason, but he and I have been working on this literally for a couple of years. And so I think that this story is going to be really significant to the conversation today. And I hope that you can find yourself a little bit here in Jason's story. Some of the data has been changed.

So Jason is a 32-year-old marketing analyst, and he had always, always prided himself on setting very clear and achievable goals.

And he actually came to me after hearing the first time that I did an interview with Neil Hooper, because in that interview, Neil and I, in a very kind way, poo-pooed a bit the SMART goal method, which is a, the SMART acronym is specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound. What I want to do now is I want to take part of the clip from the initial interview with Neil, and we will actually have Neil explain what the SMART goals are, and then we'll get back to the story of Jason.

A refresher, if you don't remember, or for those that aren't familiar with SMART goals, a SMART goal, it's an acronym to set a good goal. And this has been a gold standard for a long time, but the acronym stands for Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-bound. Okay. Which sounds great. And it's a good starting point. And we can dive more into this maybe a little later. I'll just touch on it now. But SMART goals, they're a thing. They've been kind of this gold standard.

But they just didn't work for me. And I found over the years that a lot of people who set SMART goals just don't see the results that they're hoping for. And we can get into the why in just a minute, but I'll just go with the story here. I did this deep dive, I like literally every week I had this plan and I would research articles and studies.

And so over the years, I started formulating this process for setting goals and identifying where the gaps were in the strategies and tactics that people were using,

and especially SMART goals, but there's all kinds of other methods and approaches. coaches. And then fast forward, he just been a passion refining New Year's resolutions. Another thing, very good timing for this episode, but people are always surprised to learn that I don't set New Year's resolutions. So Jason set a specific goal to lose 15 pounds in three months. And I think he was ready for his hot guy summer that year.

So he planned to exercise four times a week. He was going to eliminate junk food from his diet. And so on paper, his plan was perfect. Again, specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound. So the first few weeks saw Jason hitting the gym. He was very enthusiastic. He had that dopamine dump of this new him, new year, new you. And he replaced his usual snacks with these things called fruits and salads that I hear often about. Actually, I do enjoy those. I just also enjoy junk food.

But the progress on the scale was evident. He was making a lot of progress, and he felt very encouraged. And as a matter of fact, he even admits that he was starting to be that guy that started talking about the salads that he ate and how much now he really appreciated fruit.

And today at the gym, to the point where he said he didn't notice at the time, but he was starting to annoy some of his friends. But as the weeks rolled by, the initial burst of motivation began to fizzle, which is so often the case. And the gym sessions started to feel more like an obligation than something that he really enjoyed. So it was the shelf life that he had. It lasted longer than it had in a long time because he felt like, okay, I've got these smart goals.

He started to recognize, well, I really kind of need to take care of this project at work instead of the gym, but I'll go to the gym tomorrow. And then the dietary restrictions that he had started to feel very, very restricting. And he said, even to the point of feeling somewhat suffocating. So then in really a solid month, maybe five weeks into the journey, his resolve was faltering to say the very least.

So he started skipping more and more gym sessions and rationalizing that he had too much going on or he really started to feel too fatigued. And he was telling himself that if I don't get the rest, then I'm probably going to be doing too much damage to my body anyway. And then the siren song, the allure of his old comfort foods crept back in one Oreo at a time, leading to dietary slip-ups.

But this would be the very last time until the next time. And every time he missed a workout and every unhealthy meal, then it amplified his whole sense of guilt. He said, okay, I went from guilt where I'm doing something wrong to or bad to then he said, I went to full on shame of, oh, I am bad. And so then this goal that he had that had been this whole vibe of positive change now started just feeling like this whole dark cloud that would kind of just set in on him.

And he said that one of the cool things was going from the he didn't know what he didn't know to now he knew, but he was really frustrated. And what he knew was he said he now had the awareness that in the past that he had started these kind of diets and these goals pretty much every year with the goal of the hot guy summer. bummer. But then about this point, then he started getting to this place where he's like, you know what? It's very superficial.

That's ridiculous. If somebody only cares about me for the way that I look, then I don't need them. And he said, I even noticed that I was starting to do that. I was starting to notice that, okay, what's the harm of one Oreo, maybe two? What's the big deal about missing one gym day and then another? So now he was aware of what was going on, but he was still very frustrated. Then he tried to just, all right, he's going to push through.

He was was trying to channel back the enthusiasm, the optimism that had just had him so motivated, fueled every action because it was now gone. And so he said he felt like he was caught in a dilemma, giving up on his goal, felt like he was admitting defeat. And he even said, now that I know what I know, then I felt like I can't admit defeat. And he tried using a concept I talk about often, expansion. He's going to invite wanting to quit to come along with him while he's about to quit.

But the more he just started to continue on the path, he felt just more and more down. And then he's starting to say, okay, wait, is my body keeping the score? Do I need to listen to my body? Is it telling me that if I continue to do this, then all of a sudden I'm going to have a stroke or something's going to happen bad? So now he's trying to make sense of things, looking for patterns. I mean, he just found himself in such a bad mindset where he had started on this, I've got it this time.

I've got these very specific goals. I can do it. it. And so he said he felt like the net negative ended up being like far worse than he had ever thought it could be. And he wished that he never would have even tried to set these goals. So the joy, the sense of achievement that he had hoped to find at the three-month mark, I mean, wasn't even close. And as a matter of fact, he felt worse, which is why he said, I think I better go to therapy.

And then he hit the end of the three-month period and now he's at a crossroads. So he felt the pressure of the unmet goal and it weighed so heavily on him that then that led to thoughts of him giving up not just on the goal, but he seriously started thinking, what is the point? The idea of self-improvement altogether seems kind of silly. So, that's where he had this moment of deep introspection. And that's where

I started working with him. And it was really fascinating to see him at that place with that kind of awareness. But he had this realization that he said, maybe, right, the way that I'm setting the goals wasn't conducive to lasting change. And I had suggested that he go back and listen to this episode with Neil, just because Because we were already a few months away from the goal setting. And he had already said, okay, I'm accepting the fact that I'm not going to hit this goal.

But I just thought that his story is such a reflection of so many people who find themselves disillusioned by goal setting, by New Year's resolutions, and where they start to feel even worse. And one of the things I think is so difficult is that point where you have some awareness and then you aren't able to follow through on the things that you think really do matter to you. Or they should, in your mind. And you don't even know the concept of shoulding

on yourself yet. You're doing it all the time. And so, then you go right to the what's wrong with me story. And then you look for whatever will give you the next dopamine bump. And then all of a sudden, he decides, okay, I'm just going to focus on my work all summer. And then he just felt miserable because he didn't really like the job he was doing. He didn't feel good about his health, his career.

He wasn't in a relationship. And so, I just think this narrative, it just shows the challenges and the emotional calories spent.

The whole emotional toll that can arise from being pretty rigid with even trying to apply this, at the time, what he was doing with this SMART goal framework, especially when it lacks personal meaning and there's no room for, I guess I could say, adaptability or flexibility. We'll talk about that a little bit more here as we get into the concepts of the episode today, psychological flexibility.

What it did, though, to me, is it set the stage to allow me to explore a little more flexible and values-driven approaches to goal setting, like those from

my very best friend, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. If we go, let's look about a year after, we'll call it his disillusionment with the SMART goals. Now, if I were to say, okay, now we revisit Jason and his perspective on health and overall personal well-being is now in a really good place. And then we'll work backwards to let you know how we got there.

Once we got him untethered from his rigid framework of losing a specific amount of weight within a set amount of time, he's really embraced, I'll call it a more holistic, definitely a more fulfilling approach to his health. And it may sound, and I want, I really, the work that we've been doing and setting up this podcast over the last few months of differentiation of, you know, what are the feelings that this brings up in you? And what are the things that you don't know that you don't know?

If you're already saying, okay, I already know where he's going to go with this, or I don't like it, or next podcast, then I would encourage you to sit with a little bit of that discomfort because we're going to go in a direction that is a little bit different today. I will continue to just preach at every point.

Every pulpit, stand on every soapbox that I can, go on any podcast I can and talk about it on my own podcast and live events, you name it, that I really think that we're approaching a lot of things in a mental health standpoint in a way that is actually more harmful than helpful, which is why I think we see these rising rates of depression and anxiety. One of those is just starting with the fact of the what's wrong with me, my stinking thinking, my automatic negative thoughts. I must be broken.

And so I just need to change my thought. Already, the more that I started to talk to Jason, he didn't even really like the idea of going to the gym or exercise, or he was doing such a dramatic shift in his diet that there were certain things that he just didn't even really want to do. But he was saying that, okay, but if I put him through this rigid framework, then if I do it long enough, then I'll want to do it.

And there's so many, I want to say, pop psychology myths that are strewn about in there, if we start from the fact that, okay, he isn't broken, he's a human being, and he has the thoughts and feelings that he does because he does, now we're going to start this whole concept from a place of more compassion. And so, then does he even like going to the gym? Is there a value there in it at all for him?

Because if not, then we're going to start noticing that he has not even tapped into whatever his deeply rooted values are. And so when he and I started to look at more of what his values were, we could identify values of health, of self-care, values of vitality. So then what he starts to do is he starts discovering activities that he genuinely enjoys. And let me interject in here, I really do believe that doing is far better than just thinking, ruminating, worrying.

So I'm not saying that if somebody has never experienced the gym, that that's not something that they should should at least try. Because once you try, once you go, now you have some data to interact with. Personally, I do. I really enjoy the gym. I love going out on runs. I love going out on hikes. I'm not a salsa dancer like Jason is. But we all have these different things that we enjoy doing because of all of the variables that make us who we are.

So again, if somebody has never been to a gym and they think, man, I really should, I mean, I would start from a place of, well, well, let me go interact with a gym and see what the thoughts and feelings are. Because if I don't put myself in that position to even try, then I can just sit back with the yeah, buts. Well, yeah, but I'm not even sure how to lift weights. I'm not sure what the etiquette is. I'm not sure we can yeah, but ourselves to death.

So we do need to interact in order to be able to form solid opinions and not just make these observations and then just judgments in order to give ourselves excuses or reasons to avoid something that we don't even know what we don't know about. Let me read a page directly out of Stephen Hayes' book, The Founder of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, his book, Eliminated Mind. When he's talking about values, he talks about.

That people often attempt to achieve goals because they feel that they have to. Otherwise, people that we care about or whose views we care about would be displeased or they will be disappointed in themselves. So he says, research shows that such socially compliant goals give rise to motivation that is weak and ineffective.

We may try to drive our own behavior with such external goals, but we also secretly resent them because they undermine our own process of unfolding, withholding or what I would say is becoming and being and doing. He says the yearning for self-direction and purpose can't be fully met by goal achievement since that is always either in the future, meaning I haven't met my goal yet, or the past, meaning that I met my goal.

Values are chosen qualities of being and doing, such as being a caring parent, being a dependable friend, being socially aware, or being loyal, being honest, being courageous. And if we are living in accordance with our values, then it is never finished.

It's a lifelong journey. And that is not an over, well, I don't want it to, I hope it's not an overwhelming feeling because it becomes part of your passion because I am finding more and more fulfillment in living my values and finding my sense of purpose. And ultimately what your values are is up to you. And Stephen Hayes says they're a matter between you and the person in the mirror. And so then continuing in the book, This is where Stephen Hayes talks about experiential avoidance.

That is the process by which we run from or attempt to control our personal experiences, our thoughts, our feelings, our sensations, and the external events that give rise to them all the way from going to a party to trying to cope with the death of a loved one. We do this because our mind tells us it's an easy way to avoid pain and we will be able to feel free only when we feel good.

But avoidance typically only compounds our difficulties and restricts our capacity to feel at all, which then leads to acceptance, which is again, taking things in, in their entirety without defense, acceptance. So these three start to play a pivotal role in starting to set goals that actually matter. We want to avoid these socially compliant goals because if we are living a life of social compliance, most likely we are not feeling good.

We want to feel good, so we turn to experiential avoidance for doing everything else but those things that we actually don't want to do anyway. And sometimes it's really difficult to accept that we may have these different feelings or thoughts or emotions than things that other people think that we should have. Back to the story of Jason. He is even taking a salsa dance class and encouraging me to do one, which I would not do.

We can talk about that one later. There's also acceptance that I do not have the rhythm. And he started going on more weekend hikes. There were a lot of yeah buts that got involved there. Yeah, but I should be doing these other things. Because then those things aren't just exercise to him. They're sources of pleasure and rejuvenation. This joy of movement then replaced his feeling like a chore of exercise.

Now, there are others like myself that I love everything about exercise, but you put me in a dance class and, oh man, I'm going to be super embarrassed. And if somebody tells me, well, you should just look at it this way. Oh, no, thank you. I'm pretty happy with the exercise routine that I love and feel so good about. And his eating habits went through a similar transformation. Instead of doing strict diets and cutting out foods.

He started focusing more on learning about what things were good for him and a little more balance, some portion control, and even learning how to cook, which is something that he'd always wanted to do, but had a lot of yeah, buts in the way. Yeah, but I don't know how. Yeah, but I don't have the right tools and equipment. Yeah, but I don't even know where to start.

And so he started to cook newer, healthy recipes and then started finding joy in the process. He actually found a little bit of a community there online around cooking and especially especially trying different things. And then eating healthy food no longer felt more like a restriction, but it was more of a form of self-respect and care.

And then he was doing mindfulness exercises throughout this entire time as well, and learning to sit with some discomfort of really wanting to get the Oreo, or even being able to pass by those in the store and. And being at a restaurant and even feeling before like, well,

I'm at a restaurant or I'm at a birthday party and so I have to fill in the blank, get the burger and fries or eat a giant piece of cake where he started to recognize, oh, those are definitely things I could do, acceptance. But then sit with a little of that discomfort, have a smaller portion, order something healthy, and then make it through that meal alive and then feel more empowered. So, of course, there are absolutely still challenging days and then days when

old habits will still, they will call for him. He said he almost hears them throughout the house. Jason, I'm an Oreo and you've abandoned me. And they'll even joke about, man, that Oreo has feelings too. And it probably has some abandonment and attachment issues and I don't want it to feel alone. Or the couch seems, he says, to be more inviting than a dance class. And on those days, he practices acceptance.

Because he even accepts the fact that I can skip the dance class or I can eat the Oreo if I want. But let me do some other things first. So he acknowledges his feelings without judgment. He understands that resistance is a natural part of change. And instead of guilt, which is such a big change, he offers himself compassion and some psychological flexibility.

Maybe he doesn't go for a hike, but then he will even take a leisurely walk around the neighborhood or he'll spend a little bit of extra time preparing

a healthy meal or even researching a healthy snack as he eats an Oreo. But the biggest change I think over the years has been absolutely in his implicit memory or what it feels like to be him, his mindset. He's cultivated a compassionate and very flexible approach to his health. And he celebrates very small victories, like choosing the healthy snack or enjoying a dance class, rather than fixating on weight loss.

So progress for him now is measured in terms of his overall well-being and how aligned he feels with his values.

And I just cannot express the power in Jason's journey more. Because this is a profound shift that takes time because now health and fitness are no longer about numbers. They're not about the deprivation or societal standards, but they're about his own personal well-being and happiness.

And he's discovered that when goals are aligned with his personal values and then he pursues them with compassion, they not only bring success, but they also bring him literal joy and fulfillment in the journey itself.

And I think that one of the biggest concepts here is that when you are acting in alignment with your core values, it's a sense of doing and sense of being. So you're not just going to hit a number and then you're done. If I can lose 15 pounds in three months, then I'm done. So I could white knuckle it. I could starve myself and I get to that.

And then there I am. But I believe that's why people typically go back into the yo-yo dieting or they find themselves making progress and then going all the way back to where they were or starting to even fall further behind because

they don't yet know what they don't know about what that would look like to pursue things more from a value-based direction. I talk about my beloved push-ups so often, and this is the biggest challenge. And I think it just speaks to this whole process, even to the point of how long it takes. For years, I wanted to do, and really years, I wanted to do the 100 push-up challenge.

And I would print out the, you do this many on this day, this many on this day, and it's working you up to being able to do, I think, one set of 100. And I'm getting older and older, and I've always tried to maintain relatively decent shape, a lot of cardio, a lot of running, a lot of weight training, but then the push-ups, the elusive push-up. I would notice that if I hadn't done anything about it and it was getting toward

the end of the day, then it's so easy to say, I'll do it tomorrow. And then I can put two or three days together where I didn't do any push-ups, and then I'm going to do it next week. And eventually, if it's midway through the month, I'll do it next month. And if I hit July, then it's January 1st, it's new me, new year. And there were even a hundred pushup app that I downloaded where your nose touches the screen, whatever that looked like.

But then when I really started to embrace the concepts of acceptance and commitment therapy with goals, then I started to tap into, okay, I have a value of fitness. That is something that means a great deal to me. And I could take you on a lot of trains of thought about why that is significant from family dynamics dynamics to just even a little bit of sense of identity for a while.

All of those different things. Wanting to live as long as I can, to be a dad that I want to be, to be there for kids and grandkids, you name it. So then the elusive push-up. I see a lot of clients during the day. I see them for 50 minutes. And then when they walk out of my office, when I would bring gentle awareness to the fact that I had a value of fitness and now push-ups were the vehicle,

then it no longer mattered how how many I did, but it was that I would do them. And then the brain plays a lot of games and says, okay, well, what are you going to do? 10? And then the reality is maybe not even arguing if that's a true or false statement, because it's not a productive thought toward my value-based goal of fitness and pushups being the vehicle. So my goal became do them every day.

And it's not about numbers, it's not about even consistency, but it's the goal is to do them every day. And I don't have to have a punishment if I don't, I don't even have to have a reward because I'm starting to take action on something that matters and that is this sense of purpose.

So what happened was over the course of months and months and months, even up to a year, when I would notice and remember that I was going to do pushups, then I would get down on the floor and do them after a client had left.

And it took so much longer than I'll tell you for sure than 21 days or three months or anything before when the door closed behind the client even if there was one in the waiting room then I would find my way back to the floor even when my brain is saying I don't want to and doing the push-ups and that was what eventually led to doing push-ups every day some days it would just be one set of 25 and other days it might be 300 it might be more so doing

far more than I ever would have have had I kept that 100 push-up challenge goal and over time then bring in a couple of dumbbells and now it's one day's push-ups and biceps one day it's push-ups and triceps one day it's push-ups and then squats and then most days those happen some days they don't when they don't I notice it that's a thing but then I can just go right back to that value-based goal and then over time my implicit memory or what it feels like to be me is somebody that

that more often than not does push-ups and then some other exercise. And I can't tell you the number of times, and it will probably happen now, as I need to take a break on recording this podcast because I have clients coming in, that I will gently notice as I hit stop and make my way to the ground and do push-ups, even though my brain is saying, I don't know if we have time or I don't think this is something that I want to do right now.

And that becomes so empowering because if it's something that it matters to you and you have a, definitely if it's a sense of purpose, then it is much easier It's easier to invite all of your thoughts and feelings and emotions to come along with you while you do that thing. And what an amazing thing you're training your brain to do is that I can, if it's something that really matters to me, I can take action on it, even if it's not something that I want to do in that moment.

But I also have the flexibility and the acceptance that if I don't do it, then I give myself grace because I know that at some point I will come back to that value-based goal and then I will take action on it. And you do that enough and then it just becomes what it feels like to be you. And it's an amazing, amazing concept. Okay, so next I want to insert more of the interview with Neil because this is the part where he starts talking about two components that are left out of

the concept of a SMART goal where it starts to put more of the why and the how into the goal. And I think this is so important when it comes to taking these concepts of socially compliant goals and experiential avoidance and are these things that even really matter to you and starting to really bring all these pieces together. So let's get back to goals because I really want you to talk more about, you've talked a little bit about shame. I want to address that. Why do people hate setting goals?

I feel like, I don't know if it's just gotten worse with the rise of more, again, I mean, And it's not like the old man get off my lawn, but the more social media already people are talking about their new year's goals.

And I feel like there's polarity, there's polarity in everything right now. And so I really do feel like it's even to the point where people are either, I'm going to set all the goals and other people are saying, I will do no goals. None. Yeah. So ever. Yeah. Why do people, why do people hate setting them? Well, I also found that camp for a long time. I was in that camp of, I, I don't like goal setting and we've all had bad experiences,

but it really boils down to this. We're using ineffective, outdated goal-setting tactics that just don't work. And we already poo-pooed on SMART goals. And anyone who knows me knows that I am very competent in saying they don't work. SMART goals do not work. And it's not because they're bad. It's because they're incomplete.

And so this is where it gets fun because over the years, all the research I did, and in my master's program, I actually did a deep dive with some of the PhDs in org behavior up at Utah State, we came up with two key ingredients that are missing from almost all goals. And it's so simple. A SMART goal, you go through the list of the acronym, it's specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, time-bound.

The problem is all of that is the what, but the two ingredients that actually impact your drive is the why and the how. And so there's some cool research that was done at Clemson University with some undergrad students. There's about 499 students and these professors in relation to educational goals, researched searched hundreds of factors to try to nail down what were the factors that impacted their drive toward their goals. And they narrowed it down to two ingredients.

And that is perceived value in the goal and perceived capability in achieving the goal. And those are the two key ingredients that are missing from most schools. And that's why most people have a bad experience. They set this goal, they get really specific. The health goals are a big one, right? I'm going to lose this many pounds. But there's no, the why, the perceived value in the goal is not articulated and captured.

And that's a problem because when you start wobbling, if you don't have an articulated why to reground in, again, going back to that alignment and really why it's important to you, that's an important part of that. Then you're going to keep wobbling and not be driven. I have to tell you, I don't want to hit place there, but I'm laughing because again, man, am I that egotistical? I'm sitting there thinking, I think you've probably told me these things before.

And I've been saying, and I think I was like, yes, you're saying words, Neil, but let me tell you how it really is. But I feel like in essence, that Clemson University research is spot on, obviously, because it's very research-based, but the ACT principles of you must be in alignment with your value and that value is why it's important to you, I think is exactly what you're talking about. out. And then the next one has to be, what did you say, attainable or something that

you can't. It's your perceived capability. Perceived capability. And that's where I feel like, again, that falls right in line, that social compliance around goals. So if somebody is saying that I'm going to, I, cause I was going to have everyone become ultra marathon runners when I became a therapist and there have been very few, if any of my clients who've gone on to do that. And I feel like some of that is the, it is there. Is it a value of theirs period?

And then is it, what's It's their perceived ability to do that. That's something that they feel like, okay, number one, I don't think I want to go run a hundred miles through the woods. And number two, I don't know that I could even do that if I, and I feel like that's a perfect example of if I'm saying, hey, you can do anything you put your mind to and you just got to want it. And you just got to, that does get somebody to get that dopamine bump. And they're like, yeah, I can do this.

And then when they go home and then they realize, okay, I don't even want to

do this. Do I? Well, what's wrong with me? Tony said it's cool. I felt good in his office, but now I don't want to go run a hundred miles. Like I must be broken. And right. okay right and we're going to dive into the shame here just a second too but that so you got that the why is very important. And then it's the how, which is your perceived capability. And so this is actually kind of fun. And when I am coaching somebody on their goals, I always make sure that they are setting smarter goals.

And that is our version of the goal setting system. That's the basis. But it's all grounded in this research of the why and the how. And so we have the SMART goal as a foundation, but that is just a very small part. That's just getting started because the E and the R we're adding to make it smarter is an execution plan. So that's where the how and the perceived capability really gets boosted there. And then a reason why, which is obviously the perceived value.

And when you capture those, when you make a good execution plan, you got an accountability partner, you've forecasted obstacles and preemptively struck with solutions. And if I'm trying to lose weight, I know the snack cupboard is going to be an issue. I'm just going to lock that. If you get a good execution plan in place, what happens is those two factors, those two key ingredients are really at the forefront of your mind and is making your goals smarter and helping you stay

driven toward your... Okay, so I love this. And again, I'm laughing to myself because I know that when we were even working together on that first round of putting your course together, you would say smarter goals. And I don't think I ever really paid attention. And I feel so... It's brilliant. It's brilliant. It really is. So hopefully the things I said at that time were in alignment with the 100%.

So yeah, that's really what it boils down to is people, they set these goals, but they're not thinking through the perceived value and capability. And inevitably, that's going to decrease your drive levels. And it's interesting because we've all spent time in these different emotional states. When you perceive value, but you don't perceive capability, when the how seems hard, then you're discouraged. discouraged.

You want something, but you can't get it. But if you flip that as well, maybe the how is not the problem. Maybe it's part of your job. This happens in corporate America. I saw a lot of this in Chicago where the goal is just given to you, right? There's the social compliance creeping in and you know you can do it. It's part of your job description, but the why is not made clear to you. You don't see what's in it for you. And so your perceived value is not there.

And in in those cases, you're disengaged. So we spend a lot of time in these discouraged and disengaged states. And what we need to be doing is regrounding in the why and the how and that perceived value capability to stay driven toward our goals. So I'd say that's why a lot of people have bad experiences with their goals. And what I like that you're saying there too is then others might say your why is because you get a paycheck.

And I feel like that again is honestly, that is a socially compliant because yes, it is wonderful to get a paycheck, but I work with a lot of people that that come into my office that get really good paychecks, but they absolutely feel disengaged or do not like their job. And it is so, I can think of two people right now. They say, no, I shouldn't complain, shitting on themselves, that they make a lot of money and they only work a few hours a week.

And but it's when they don't have a sense of purpose, they don't feel like there is a reason or a connection. Then that is not it is not the euphoric thing that I think we dreamt of as kids where I just want to get paid a lot of money and play video games. I mean, I literally I literally have somebody that was a video game tester. I will never forget this. They got their, quote, dream job and they immediately

were put on a testing a Dora and her backpack game. And they just do that over and over and over. And you get so tired of her backpack and boots, a little monkey, whatever. And so, you know, there wasn't that value really or that really sense of purpose or connection in there. Yes. And that's a huge problem. And a lot of people will unfortunately look at compensation or the salary as the why. But it's a hygiene factor if you're familiar with that concept. No, what is that?

Okay, so hygiene factor and that's where compensation falls. If you show up and you haven't showered, if you show up to a party and you stink, people are going to notice, right? Yes. If you show up and you don't stink, nobody calls that out. No one says, hey, congratulations, Neil, you don't stink today. And that's where the compensation lies. If it's not high enough, you notice, but you could get paid, and there's probably a breaking point at absorbing enough money.

But there's a point where it's just the hygiene factor. Yeah, you need to pay the bills and your pay is getting it there, but it's not noticeable and it doesn't really light your soul on fire. So I hope bringing Neil back from these episodes from the past will help make more sense of where I'm trying to go with the idea of a values-based goal, taking action on something that really matters.

And then I also mentioned a little bit about psychological flexibility, which truly just means the ability to adapt. And let me address the concept of setbacks because they are going to happen. And that's some of the most fascinating data is how many people then will just, when they their first setback, or let's say the first day that I realized I didn't do push-ups, where then we just defaulted this, what's wrong with me? I guess that really wasn't important.

It doesn't matter. I didn't do it. I can't do it. Instead of just noticing that, oh, I'm noticing that I didn't do push-ups today. Because we have this challenge so often, and I kind of look at it like this challenge is this trap of perfection in action. Because so many of us fall into this belief that our actions have to be just flawless in order to align with our values.

But this is absolutely a misconception because acceptance and commitment therapy or just this concept of just moving forward, it's about progress. We hear this so often, progress, not perfection, because it is perfectly okay if your actions aren't always ideal. What counts is that they're moving you in the right direction because every single interaction becomes an opportunity to grow, to pivot, to be more flexible.

And you are the only one that truly knows in your heart if you just honestly forgot or if it's something that you notice that you just don't want to do. And that's where acceptance comes in, because then maybe that isn't the right thing for me. And that doesn't mean that, well, I guess I'm broken. It means what's next? Maybe I need to take a look at a different activity. Maybe I need to step back and really see, am I still not even familiar or aware of what my own values are?

Because setbacks are part of the journey, and it's so easy to look at those as failures. And this sounds so cliched, but it is absolutely true.

The setback needs to be reframed just an opportunity for growth because the setback is bringing some awareness to you that this is either something that isn't something that I want to do or it's something that I always thought if I had the opportunity to do it if people would just get out of my way then then I would be successful but now that I'm here and I have an opportunity to do whatever it is maybe this isn't the thing

that I always thought would bring me satisfaction or bring me sense of purpose so when you stumble it is absolutely a chance to practice acceptance and then reevaluate your actions recommit to your values. Every single step is a setup for just what comes next and just moving forward. And, and here's really, I think, what a pro tip, when you face a challenge or a setback, look at that as this opportunity to grow, ask yourself,

what is one small step I can take right now that would be more in alignment with my value? Anything, the small things do really matter. Because this approach really will help keep you grounded, focused, and it will ensure that your actions continuously reflect what's truly important to you. And you learn more about yourself along the way. way. Because the more you are just being and doing, the more you are learning. And then the last thing, misconception that committed action is rigid.

Because in reality, flexibility is the absolute key to act. It's the key to life. Because your actions can and should evolve as you learn and grow. On the podcast, The Mind, The Mirror, Me, my daughter Mackie keeps coming back to this thing of where she said, man, I'm not the person that I thought I would be. And I love to fill in in the gaps of at age 12 or at age 14. Because we thought that, well, I would be a pirate astronaut living on the beach. I'm rigid. And that's what I always thought.

But the reality is life is what is coming next and how you interact and react and how you take action. So you are going to evolve as you learn and grow. And it really is about finding what works for you in that present moment. Not about thinking you have to stick rigidly to some plan that you set back in the past.

So I just will encourage each and every one of you to view acceptance and committed action as this dynamic and evolving process, honestly, because that will help you continue to live your authentic self, embrace your humanity, move steadily toward a life that is truly more rich and

meaningful and filled with purpose. And I think that is absolutely one of those things that we just don't know what we don't know what that would even look like until you get to that point. And then it is a really, really amazing way to live where what it feels like to be you is somebody that is doing and being things that matter to you. And you're aware that that may not make everybody else around you happy and bless their heart. That is a them issue. you.

Some takeaways. Remember, goal setting is most effective and fulfilling when it's aligned with your personal values. It's not just about achieving an outcome. It's not just that number. It's about living a life that is meaningful to you. And then acceptance becomes an incredibly powerful tool because it's about acknowledging your thoughts and feelings without letting them dictate your actions because we have many, many thoughts and feelings and emotions, and we want to welcome

them and thank our body for them. But that doesn't mean that we have to to them, fall prey to them. So this acceptance, it really does start to empower you to move forward in pursuit of your hopefully value-based goals, even when it's challenging. And that leads to far more success in taking a committed action. You know, that's that next step in action involves taking steps that align with your values, even in the face of discomfort or doubt or the yeah,

buts. It's about progress, not perfection.

And setbacks are going to be a part of the journey. But now you'll look at those as, oh, check this out. Look at what this is teaching me. And Neil talked about focusing on things like lead measures and embracing quick wins. And we really want to use mindfulness and expansion techniques to stay connected with your goals and learn to even invite discomfort and yeah buts to come along with you.

And I think the more that you can just keep these principles in mind, reflect on your values, practice acceptance, take committed actions, psychological flexibility, and be kind to yourself along the way. Give yourself an incredible amount of grace. And I am always a fan of going back, listening to these podcasts or read books, The Happiness Trap by Dr. Russ Harris or The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris or Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life by Dr.

Stephen Hayes. Those are really good books that talk about acceptance and commitment therapy. And there are online courses and workshops and apps, all sort of things that will help you apply ACT principles to your life. I let me be the one of the first ones to wish you a very, very happy new year. And may your 2024 really be a time where you can now start to take action on things that matter to you.

And then over time, what it feels like to be you, I promise you is this really kind of a, it's a good thing. It can be a really, you can be a good hang with yourself even. So taking us out per usual, the wonderful, the talented Aurora Florence with her song that is so perfect for today in particular. It's wonderful. Thank you. Music.