Why We Care What Other People Think: Unraveling Our Need for Approval and Validation

So not too long ago, I received an email, it was a question and it didn't seem like a very difficult one on the surface, but I have sat on this question for months and I've had, have many Google documents up, , this Google document has been up for so long because I. Keep adding to the concepts. Let me just get to the question . Why do we care so much about what others think? And isn't it good to care at least a little bit.

We're going to talk about that and go into so many different concepts and thoughts and beliefs around why we do care about what others think. And is a little bit of it good for you. Here's this little sneak preview. It can be, and we're going to talk about that. And so much more coming up on today's episode of the virtual couch.

Hey, everybody. Welcome to episode 412 of the virtual couch. I'm your host, Tony Overbay. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and a certified mindful habit coach. , but first.

I just want to say as I've been journeying through the world of therapy over the past 15 plus years, working now with, well over a thousand couples, I've been fortunate enough to develop an road test. Very cool tools that I know can help change marriages and relationships for the better. These aren't just any tools. They are the result of seeing what real couples actually need. And my, true. Star pupil.

My Opus, my very own golden child of the therapeutic tools are my four pillars of a connected conversation. And I can. Honestly say, you know, trust me. These pillars are game-changers for communication. But they are definitely not something that we are born knowing how to do they aren't part of our factory settings.

They're definitely something that we don't know that we don't even know., . But the good news is learning the four pillars and implementing the four pillars is a skill and it can absolutely be learned.

. So it is February. It's the month of love as they say. With so much focus on couples and romance this month, I wanted to share the four pillars in a new and dare I say fun way. I developed a mini course, and then there's a game that goes along with it. And I really think it's going to be the perfect Valentine's day activity. And you don't have to find yourself standing awkwardly in front of the greeting card section at your favorite fill in the blank, big box store.

You just got to do this instead. Connected conversations are for all relationships at all stages. Are you feeling like you already have a pretty strong connection? I still think you will find this course and game fun and bonding. And if you feel like you are more in the struggling camp, Then this course and game will give you a chance to focus on the positive and practice your communication skills at the same time. So you can find out more today in my newsletter.

So please sign up for the newsletter. At Tony overbay.com or in , the link tree in the show notes. , or head over to any of my social media channels. It's $20 and I really. Think if you give it a shot, . You're going to learn something and I would love to hear what you have to think.

. But let's get to the topic at hand because I hear people often say, I know I shouldn't care what other people think. And it's true. And of course, I think I have to say at this point, I find myself wanting to respond and at first say, well, don't shoot on yourself. Nobody likes to be shut on. But second, let me put your mind at ease and normalize the fact that I think most everybody cares a little bit about what other people think until you don't.

And I will find myself also saying if you don't at all, then you're most likely a robot. Or maybe some type of sociopath. Maybe a nice one. But the challenge is when you find yourself caring too much about what other people think. And at that point, then I would like to say that you are burning far too many emotional calories worrying about other people. And worrying about, I don't want this person to feel a certain way. I don't want this person to think a certain thing.

So , you're burning these calories instead of doing and being things that are maybe more productive or more in alignment with your own values. You're just worrying and worrying and ruminating and trying to manage a lot of people's emotions and experiences that most likely aren't even aware that that's what you're doing. And you're looking at their experience and assuming that you know , what they're going through or what their thoughts and feelings are. , and it's also an emotional drain.

I think so often people that find themselves just worrying and ruminating and ruminating and worrying also find themselves pretty emotionally exhausted.

And this is one of the concepts where, not that we're going to get into this today, but, , talk about things like chronic fatigue and some of the, , they call them somatoform disorders, but some of the things that you're not even quite sure why you feel a certain way, maybe you have , some back issues or , some pain or some nerve pain or some things that, that just are there sometimes, sometimes they're not, that, maybe there's a little bit of your body saying, Hey, I don't

know how else to get your attention. But it would be an ideal situation if you can just be and do and learn to just, , be the best version of yourself and maybe spend those emotional calories on finding out the things that you like and learning how to be more mindful and present and, , learning how to set healthy boundaries and things like that.

But if you are, you know, this is your body still talking, but if you're going to insist on worrying about everybody else's situation and trying to manage everybody else's emotions, then that's gonna be pretty tiring. And if we can't get your attention, we've tried some anxiety. Maybe we've tried a little bit of a little bit of depression. So let's try some a little bit of fatigue and maybe move on to some some chronic pain or those sort of things.

Again, that is all my unscientific thoughts and feelings. But that body really does And it's trying to get your attention because the brains that don't get killed device and it wants to do it wants to live a great life. It really does. ? But we're burning far too many emotional calories worrying about what other people think when you could be using them as more of a pop quiz about yourself, where in every situation as you interact with other people, then it brings up emotions in you.

And instead of feeling like, man, I want to get rid of those emotions, or I feel like this is where I need to then manage somebody else's emotions. I get to step back and notice, you know, I'm noticing that I care that a person that baggage claim felt like it was okay for them to step right into my personal space to grab their bag. So check that out. That is a reaction.

Now, why do I suddenly want justice instead of me wanting to say, you need to get out of the way and you need to respect other people's space? That's me wanting to get rid of my discomfort, maybe manage that person's life, how they're interacting. But why do I suddenly want this justice? And I want that person to respect my personal space. Because they don't know me, and they don't know my rules, my wants, my desires.

They may have, may have flown in and into town to try to be with a loved one who, honest to goodness, might be on their very last breath. They may have grown up with a dozen siblings, and if you didn't crowd and push your way to get somewhere, you starved. So that interaction allowed me to be grateful that I could recognize my emotional response. Thank you. Thank you, body. And mine for bringing this to my attention so I can truly be in this moment. Now, I wish that guy well.

Whatever he or she is up to, I will continue to wait for my bags. Because all of a sudden, every person, every conversation, every sight, every smell becomes an opportunity for me to learn about myself. And then the more I think about it, not many people are truly curious about me. Or if they are Then I, it does make me feel pressure to say the quote, right thing, whatever that might be. So the more time I can spend in this kind of mindset, the more I can learn about myself.

And and I can actually learn about myself from the foremost authority on myself. Which is me. So I put together a list of different reasons or things of why we do care so much about what other people think. So I just gave you this example of a perfect world scenario where we can start to, every opportunity brings up our emotions and thoughts. And then it can be an opportunity for us to reflect, self reflect. We'll get to that toward the end of today's episode. But I think.

One of the ones I won't go into a lot of detail because it's, I think that this is one that will just resonate or make sense is that when you care too much about what other people think, you really are handing over your power. You're giving your power over to somebody else. So this even goes to the simplest concepts around, Hey, what do you think? Do you think that I should.

This is a very real example where I was speaking with someone close to me recently and they were talking about do you think I should go to this foreign country and get hair transplants? They're talking about themselves. And they're asking a bunch of people in the room that was a bald guy and then a lot of women who have a lot of hair. And I just I thought it was being hilarious. And I said to the person how much time have you spent researching this country and what they do with hair transplants?

And he said, a lot. And I said, do you already have some places picked out? Yes. Do you already know the cost? Yes. Have you even looked into where you would stay? Yeah. So then it was more of a, so why are you? And you're asking us, because I clearly, my ship has sailed with these hair transplants long ago, and here's a room full of women with beautiful, gorgeous hair. We were actually in a hair salon at that time.

And you're asking them to weigh in on what, what you should do where they have given this no thought. They don't have all the information that you have. And so are you really just wanting validation? Or are you just wanting to express yourself and then they are going to interact, but it really doesn't matter? You've already made up your mind? Because if so.

Then you can see, maybe you can see that I'm almost handing over some of that control or power to somebody else, because if I'm saying what do you guys think? And then I really feel like we're saying to somebody, Hey, what do you think about this thing that I've been thinking about a lot?

And I know I just sprung it upon you and you have no idea where I'm coming from and you more than likely don't You haven't given it much thought yourself, but give me an impulsive decision and then I'm going to base my worth and whether or not I think this is a good idea of the things that what it feels like to be me on your immediate reaction. Okay, go. What do you think?

So sometimes I think it might be a better idea to say, instead of giving away your power, so I'm going to accept the fact that, yeah, I'm curious what other people think, but I'm going to share with them, hey, this is what I'm going to do. What are your thoughts? Almost in my mind saying they will hold little value to me on this particular thing because I put a lot of research into it, but I am curious.

And maybe I just want to have a shared experience and even tell you about what I've been doing as far as research and that sort of thing. So that first thing is you give away your power. And then also when you care, and I'm going to frame it this way, moving forward. When you care too much about what other people think, then you give away your power, but it's also beyond your control. And we do know that worry is your mind trying to control things.

A lot of times worry is your, it's part of that concept that brings anxiety. It's these, I'm worrying about all these different things that most likely won't happen, but my brain thinks if I can go through all the scenarios, work out all the details then I'll be happy, then I'll be calm, then I can move forward. What we find is we can come up with an endless Parade of things that we don't really know what we don't know about.

So worrying, is your mind trying to control things that are outside of your control? And when I was looking at some of this information, I did find a real interesting thing. You've got the dichotomy of control, which is the concept that there are things within your control and things that you can't control. There's also the trichotomy of control and its opinions of others. So that falls really into both. You can't control others, but you can attempt to influence.

But it still isn't in your control. Another one of these concepts of when you care too much about what other people think, then we enter this world of projection.

That it really is more about that person. So when we're interacting with somebody and we care a lot about what they think, I love this concept of projection. And a lot of times people will say, Well, I think that my spouse is just projecting. And I never want to sound like like some weenie, but sometimes I think that we misunderstand what projection is. Let me give an example.

Projection is a little bit like a psychological game of hot potato, but with feelings and traits that we don't really like about ourselves. So imagine there are things about yourself that you're really not happy with or proud of. And maybe you don't even realize the underlying traits that they exist in you and that's what psychologists call the shadow and it's like the secret stash of unwanted parts of ourselves that we shove into the back of our mental closet where it's dark into the shadows.

We don't want to see them. So we pretend that they're not there. But here's where things get interesting and where projection comes into play. Sometimes we end up seeing these traits that we may not even be aware of. They're our shadow self and we see them in other people. And so it really can be a form of when you don't like something about yourself, you're more likely to notice it in somebody else. And why?

Because it's really, it's much easier to spot and then dislike or not be a fan of these traits in other people than to face them in ourselves. This is kind of what projection is about. Psychology Today had an article that explained it really well. They said that projection lets us sort of deal with these iffy traits but in a roundabout way. That we don't have to admit that they're actually part of us. Instead, we see them in others and we react to them there.

It's almost like saying I'm not the problem, you are. At least I don't do that. The old, at least I'm not, or at least I don't. Carl Jung, who is one of the fathers of psychology said that this whole projection thing can basically make the world look like a reflection of our own inner issues. So it's as if everybody is wearing these glasses that slightly change how they see everything, but it's all based on their own inner world and a lot of that they're not even familiar with.

So when you hear somebody's opinion about you, then remember that it's not just about you. It's also a lot of times about them, their own experiences, their own insecurities, their own hidden parts, their own shadow. So understanding this can help you. Often it can help you not take things as personally or you can start to see people's opinions for what they really are. They're a mix of their own stuff and your stuff.

It's like you're starting to get a little bit of insight into their secret mental closet, which can be pretty eye opening. , let me give you a real life example. This is one that I can identify with a little bit. Imagine you are in a relationship. Oh, Now I'm saying, I'm acting like my wife is not on time. So I'm just saying that I am a habitually early person. So that's let me own that first.

But imagine you're in a relationship with somebody who has a habit of being late and every time they show up late, it really bothers you. Kind of gets under your skin and you, you feel disrespected. You feel undervalued. You feel like they, they don't think your time matters. So on the surface, it really does seem pretty straightforward. You think, man, it's about punctuality. It's about respect.

But if we look at that a little deeper from the shadow self concept, then let's say that in your own life you are absolutely punctual and you pride yourself on always being on time because deep down you're actually afraid of being seen as irresponsible or unreliable.

And that might be something that you saw growing up, you either saw maybe your parents were very unreliable or they were irresponsible and they didn't show up on time and you watched other people you saw your parents super late to pick you up at school, or maybe you're left the church activities or that and you watch the annoyance on other people's faces. So I will make sure that that never happens. That fear is part of your shadow self.

And it's a trait that maybe you don't want to acknowledge or face directly in that scenario because you might feel like, well, I am, I am my family and they are always late. So I will make sure that I am overly punctual because I don't even want to acknowledge that that's part of my genetic makeup, my, my DNA. So you push that fear so far down that you're not even consciously aware of it. But man, I will show up everywhere early.

Very early, but then now if you're, if your partner, your friend is late, then it triggers that hidden fear. So instead of recognizing this as your own issue with feeling unreliable, then you project those feelings onto your partner. You get angry at them for being late because unconsciously it's like they're acting out a part of you that you don't want to admit exists.

And I hope that one resonates a little bit because when I have somebody coming in and we're going to start dealing with shadow work, then you're going to say, okay, what is it about that interaction that, that feels, what does it feel like to you? Well, it might feel unfair. And why is that? Because it was unfair when I was a kid, my parents were always late and I'm the one that had to deal with people that had to stick around and wait.

for my parents and I felt that person's frustration and anger and I would hear them passive aggressively say that now they're going to be late going home and they had stuff that they had to do. And I used to try to manage their anxiety and say, you can go ahead, but you're a kid. So it's so much easier than to be frustrated with someone else than to deal with your own deep seated fear of being seen as unreliable. Even though you've, boy, you've taken care of that.

You're going to be incredibly early all the time. But in that situation, the shadow self's influencing your reaction to your partner's behavior. You're not just upset about the lateness, you're upset because it's a mirror reflecting a part of yourself that you are afraid of or uncomfortable with. I really think understanding that dynamic projection shadow self can really be helpful in relationships.

Because we find yourself overreacting or feeling these unusually strong emotions about something your partner does. It might be worth asking yourself, is this really about them? Or is this touching on something in my own shadow self? And by acknowledging, working through those hidden parts of ourselves, then we can improve not just our relationships, but really our understanding of ourselves.

And I do feel like that can be a little bit of a stretch if you're just hearing this for the first time of, well, okay, now I recognize I'm afraid of it, but I'm really early. , so how do you work on yourself when you hear something like this?

Cause again, that, that strong reaction, if we're just going to say, I'm going to, I'm going to take a look at this and maybe do a little bit of shadow work that if I'm going to say, does this stem from my own shadow self, then that, first of all, that's a big first step. Wasn't even aware of what this was now I'm aware. So I'm bringing gentle awareness to this. So here's our opportunity to do a little self reflection, a little bit of digging. Identify first the trigger.

So recognize that different behaviors, different situations in a relationship, they're going to trigger real strong emotional reactions, like your partner being late. So next, check in with yourself. Ask yourself, all right, why this behavior? Why does this thing trigger such a strong reaction? What feelings does it evoke in me? Do I feel disrespected? Do I feel ignored? Or is it something else? And that's now where we can start to step into the, what, what are these fears that I'm having?

Are they are they insecurities? If you start to dig deeper, you can see that those feelings might be connected to personal fears or insecurities. So again, in this example, it might be being seen as unreliable. So here's the key of acknowledging and accepting the shadow self, that we all have these hidden aspects of ourselves. It's okay to admit to yourself that these fears or insecurities are a part of you. Because this is where our own body, our own brain goes all or nothing, black or white.

Well that must mean that then I am this whole bad person because I have these fears, I have these this potential, this shadow self. But this recognition is so important for dealing with your shadow self because it leads to acceptance. Here's where we get to understand, Oh, everybody has a shadow self. It's a normal part of being human and accepting these parts doesn't mean you agree with them.

It means you acknowledge their existence because then on this path of personal growth and change, now you can start to work on understanding why these things are a part of my shadow self. What past experiences or are these internal beliefs have contributed to these fears or insecurities?

And once you can start to, to challenge that, and this is where I think it's really helpful to work with a therapist who is familiar with this, that it can lead to you recognizing that, Oh man, I'm operating a lot of, a lot of places out of fear of my shadow being exposed. But all that the shadow being exposed sometimes needs to look like is recognizing to yourself that, Oh, I'm a, I'm an adult human being now. And if I show up late.

I'm aware that I'm not trying to cause anyone harm that I might have misinterpreted how far I was from somewhere I need to be or how long this project would take, but I can start to live a little bit more instead of worrying so much that I'm going to be late.

Then I can start to say, okay, I'm not going to have to just be there 20 or 30 minutes early and just sit there because I don't want to be viewed as unreliable because then I might be able to take a little bit more control of my own situation, my own life and say, I could do something for another 10 minutes actually. And I can get there with five or 10 minutes to spare.

Now I have to accept the fact that there might be a chance that I get the proverbial flat tire or I get lost or that sort of thing, but then I'm going to accept and own that.

And then this does allow you to start to communicate these things with your partner in the relationship, have a more open dialogue, communicate with them about your discoveries. It's a you thing. And this is, again, why in the past we might worry so much about what somebody else thinks, but we're starting to shift this, this whole vibe to, hey, check this out. When you do this thing, this is what it brings up in me.

Because then now we're doing this in a non confrontational way, we're saying how, how I feel, and why, rather than blaming them. When you are running late, this is what it brings up in me. Check that out. Now, you can then start to set healthy boundaries, because if certain things trigger your shadow self, then you can now say, Hey, for me, Again, boundary is a me thing. Ultimatum is, so I need you to stop being late.

I'll let that person be defensive and if anything subconsciously they're going to maybe show up a little bit later because they're, nobody's going to tell me what to do. But now with just genuine love and conviction, now a boundary is a, so if you're running late, then I'm going to go ahead and leave. I'm going to go ahead and take off a little early because I do want to get there on time. But it's done with love and acceptance. We can drive two cars.

The yeah buts of yeah, but I would rather spend time with you or I don't want to spend the gas. Those are, I agree. But I also need to be the best version of myself so I might hold that boundary and so you might there be support groups Those kind of things help.

This is where I would throw in the plug for mindfulness and self care and all of that Okay for this next one of when you care too much about what other people think this one we're going to get a little bit mind bendy. We're going to put on our philosophical hats just for a little bit. And after this, we're going to get back to some things that maybe make a lot more sense. But this one, I really enjoy this.

It's a little bit of a, of a circular argument that begins with the, again, when you care too much about what other people think, it's important to recognize that you are not the center of the universe this can feel heavy until it doesn't.

So we're going to, we're going to deep dive into this idea, okay, that we're not the center of the universe. And if you think about it, you know, we're all walking around, we're seeing life through our own personal movie cameras, basically our eyes. And it feels like we're the main character in this huge Epic story of life because we are the main character. But here's the twist. What if we're not the main star of the show?

Because the universe is insanely huge and we are just one tiny part of it. But we often feel like every single thing revolves around us. But in reality, this is where, bear with me we are maybe a little tiny speck in the grand scheme of things, of the vastness of the universe. And this used to really feel hollow and empty to me. But stay with me. Because here's where it gets a little bit mind bendy.

There's a concept called solipsism, sounds very fancy, but it's this idea that maybe, just maybe, the only thing that you can be sure of, or that you can be sure is real, is your own mind. Every single thing else, other people's thoughts and feelings could be well, could just be make believe. This would be the point of where you're the only player in a video game and everybody else is just a character. I have a couple of clients that talk about this concept often.

And so sometimes I will say so when they walk in the office then I'll say, Okay either. You did not exist until you just came around that corner and you interacted with me or I have just been sitting here unanimated and I don't exist until you walked in here. So either way we are here and that's the philosophical piece of that because the concept is then if.

If there's a chance that the only thing that we know for sure is that we exist because we don't really understand or know how to get in somebody else's head or in their mind, then their thoughts and their feelings and their opinions aren't even necessarily real. So some people like to use that as a way to think, why do I care so much?

About what somebody else thinks if in reality, the only reality I know is mine, but here's now, well, let's start to circle back around and come back down to earth.

But if we're being real, most of us agree that other people do exist and that other people are in fact real because other people have their own stories and problems and dreams just like us. But here's the, here's the catch. If everybody is as wrapped up in their own stuff as we are, they're probably not spending every second judging us or thinking about what we're doing. And we all worry so much about what others think, but in reality, they're too busy worrying about their own image.

to really pay that much attention to us. It just continues to help with this while it's normal to care a bit about how other people see us, it's really not helpful or productive to stress over it too much. Because chances are, they're probably not thinking about you or judging you as hard as you think. Because they're too caught up in their own world. So this is the just do your thing, be you.

And remember that in this, this vast, crazy world, you're the only one that's writing your own story and you're not living someone else's. Because in the grand scheme of things, uh, opinions are incredibly brief and they are erratic, and our mistakes are quickly forgotten. Don't get me started on the fallibility of memory. , what goes along with that is also a lot of the times that we feel like we have impressed someone.

And then we are offended that they don't reme Don't you remember that time we had this conversation about something that I remember? Well, that's, that's weird. You must not care about me. You know, it doesn't work that way.

One of the other Things that happens when you care too much about what other people think is it can destroy your own authenticity. , go back to this. Imagine that you are super obsessed with what everybody else thinks about you. It does feel like you become that proverbial sheep, just following the crowd, trying to blend in. You start doing things and saying things and wearing things just because you think that that's what others expect or want from you.

And you feel like, oh, that's the way I'll get validation because I'll fit in with everybody else. And your life then starts to become a mirror of somebody else's ideas and ideals, not your own. Here's the kicker too. When you're trying so hard to be real and authentic to find out who you really are, And what you stand for, then if you aren't doing it like everybody else, it can start to freak the people out around you who aren't doing the same.

It's almost like if one sheep in the flock decides to break free and do its own thing, it makes all the other sheep nervous. They're thinking, Hey, where's that guy going? Why are they not following the rest of us? What do they know that we don't know? And rather than somebody saying, Hey, I'll go check that out, I'll go see. Maybe there is something different. Everybody says, well, that, that guy is, doesn't know what they're doing.

So when you start being true to yourself, it does get a little bit scary for those who are still playing the fitting in game, because they might not really get why you're suddenly changing or why you're not doing things the, in their view, normal way anymore.

But being authentic, being the real you is far more important than just copying what everybody else is doing. Now, oftentimes we will copy people until we don't, because that can be the jumping off point. But the truth is, this is your life. It really is. You have to live it in a way that does feel right and authentic to you.

And whether you're looking at this just from a, I'm tired of feeling controlled by other people, You can look at this from a spiritual side of, let's go with the, I'm a child of God and have my own God given talents and abilities and I need to let my light so shine so others around me will be lifted up as well. That is not happening when you are worrying and ruminating and trying to do the same thing that everybody else is, especially when it doesn't really feel like that is who you are.

It might be really comfy and easy to follow the flock, but it really won't help you find out who you really are. And this is where I go back to when we care so much about what other people think and we're handing away that power so often we don't even want to take ownership or accountability of our own life. Because if so, then that's scary and we might find out that everything isn't as perfect as we want it to be.

This part gets wild because if I'm continually saying, well, I did it because my spouse said to do it, my parents said to do it, my church leader said to do it. Then if it, it, whatever it is, doesn't go perfectly, then I get to feel like, man, I did what they said and it didn't all work out. So something must be wrong with me. But in reality, we want to eventually get to the point of where you are captain of your own ship.

Other people that you're interacting with give you a chance to recognize what is important to you. Your authenticity is just worth so much more than being just another face in the crowd. Because ultimately, that is not going to lead to fulfilling your purpose, being your best self, letting your light so shine.

You and this jumps into again, back to one of the concepts around when you care too much about what other people think not trying to stay on the heavy side of things, but life is pretty short.

There's a survey of 2, 000 adults recently called the National Worry Audit, and it revealed that on average, people spend about six and a half years of their lives worrying. And many of those worries, directly or indirectly, concern other people's opinions. So a couple of things from the study, that National Worry Audit, said that on a daily basis, 28 percent of those surveyed worried about their appearance. I actually even thought it might be more.

21 percent worry about what to wear, 17 percent worry about body odor. So I'm grateful that that is one that I love a good smell. So I'm making sure and covering that stuff up. But then the worry audit said, suppose the average life expectancy is 81 years. That means that people spend 8 percent of their lives worrying.

So if they would stop worrying about other people, they could have roughly a couple of additional years to enjoy life or to do something useful and write a book, connect with people you care about, learn the piano because life can be gone in the blink of an eye. What a waste of energy and again, emotional calories to spend this short and vulnerable existence, wondering what other people think.

And too often we say, okay, well, you know, I've got the next life and, but I think the more that we can be present and in this one, this is the one that we are sure of. And so we want to be our very best versions of ourselves and be and do let's talk about another thing that happens when you care too much about what other people think.

You lose this ability to trust your instincts, your instincts. You ultimately know yourself best. And I think this is so important because we are all navigating this maze of advice and opinions and expectations that are coming at us all the time. Whether we want them or not. So I like to look at your instincts, your gut, your visceral reaction. That is your inner compass. You are the captain of your own ship. You're sailing through a vast ocean of life.

And yeah, you've got maps and stars and you've got an old trusty compass right in your hand. That's your instinct. You might have a crew aboard as well. That's your friends, your family, your mentors giving you advice. Oh, well, they give you some advice on what direction to go, warning you about storms and even pointing out hidden treasures. And what's fascinating is that, okay, let's say that somebody, this salty sea captain of yours and a relative is literally a meteorologist.

Yeah, I will listen to that person. As a marriage and family therapist, I, I really do have some strong opinions on ways to communicate or as somebody that helps people a lot with the navigating faith journeys. Then I love being able to talk with somebody about those things. But if you want to ask me about budgeting and finance, no thank you. I'll, uh, I'll defer to the person that that is a passion of theirs. That's a job that they do. That's something that they really enjoy.

Because at that, at the old proverbial end of the day, who's steering? You are. You know the ship, which is you, better than anybody else could. But I go back to, but we too often want to hand the power over to somebody else because we're afraid. What if I make the wrong decision? Let's, it's just a decision. You don't even know that it's wrong or the one that you didn't want to make until after you've already made it.

And then that's a way to go, okay, well, that didn't quite turn out how I thought it would. Because you know yourself best. I mean, that is the ultimate insight. You are a complex a highly secure only, you know, the password kind of vault. And people can guess what's inside based on what they observe and boy, will they observe and make judgments.

You're the only person who has unrestricted access to every everything, your thoughts, your feelings, your dreams, your fears, your hopes, all of those things. And no matter how insightful or how empathetic somebody else might be, their perspective is like they're looking through the little keyhole to this vault versus the full panoramic view that you have. And and there is, it's a balancing act to really take a look at other people's perspectives.

So just because you are the captain with the most intimate knowledge of your ship does not mean you ignore all the advice and warnings coming from your crew or other, or the other ships passers by. Cause they might see a storm, they might suggest a faster route to your treasure. And their outside perspective can be incredibly valuable and it can offer insight and you might not have considered some of the things that people are offering.

But the trick, the absolute trick and the joy is balancing that external advice with your own internal compass.

So the more that we can just be able to spend time with some quiet and listening and feedback and reflection, listen, reflect, but ultimately trust your gut feeling about what's right for you. And then if it doesn't turn out the way you thought it would check that out, didn't do anything wrong, you're just doing and being, so what do you got to do to steer your own ship regularly, reflect, spend time with yourself, get to know your own mind and your heart.

I got to say the old things you hear often do a little journaling. Even if you're not doing a narrative, even if it's not perfect write out your thoughts when they just stay in your head, they just swirl around and around, and we have a negativity bias and meditate, meditate, meditate, meditate. It is so powerful this morning. I just still can't even believe when I got in here, I had a little extra time.

So I did a 20 minute meditation instead of a 10, and then I had a little extra time and I did a seven minute meditation. And I never in a million years thought that I would be the person that is. Giddy about the meditation, but it was, uh, it was beautiful and it really brought me into this moment. Balance. Listen, you know, listen to advice from others those who you trust and respect, but weigh it against your own feelings and beliefs.

That's where everything ends up being an opportunity to self confront and grow. Everything is your personal muse, is that you're interacting with other humans, other thoughts, other ideas, other feelings, other foods, other smells, other places. And then when you can look at that like, okay, that here's now I know how I feel about this thing and decisions. If I could bring some, not just gentle, but a little bit more intentional awareness around decision making.

When you make decisions, especially bigger ones, but you can practice with the smaller ones, just do a quick check in. What feels right for me? Because your gut reaction is often pointing you in the right direction. And embrace mistakes. I sometimes don't even want to use the word mistakes. Embrace the things that happen. Embrace the outcome. Remember that even if you do follow your instincts and things don't necessarily go as planned, That happened, didn't do it wrong, he just did it.

And there's value in those mistakes, you learn, you grow, you get better at navigating. And then that will ultimately start leading to confidence. The more you trust your instincts and see where they lead you, the more confident you'll become in your ability to steer your life in the direction that you want to go.

That does not mean that everything will go perfect, but you will start to know that even when I make decisions or find myself in situations that I had not planned on, that I know that This too will pass. I will be able to get through this. I will learn from this. Even if it's uncomfortable in the moment, I've also learned to deal with uncomfortable emotions and feelings. Just I guess remember that the sea of life is vast and it can be intimidating and big old waves. Start tapping into that.

tool for navigation that is already within you. It is the knowledge you have of yourself and your instincts. And the chances are that you maybe have not trusted those instincts and you have handed that power over to somebody else and done it often. So the more that you trust in that gut instinct, you'll find your way, no matter how stormy it gets. A couple of other things that I want to touch on very quickly, and then we'll wrap things up.

Back to Carl Jung, I mentioned him earlier that he has this model of the psyche that I really think is fascinating because it does start to just say, here's why we care because, and here's why we want to show up a certain way. So Jung basically said that our minds are almost like those little Russian nesting dolls and they have these different layers that make up who we are.

And among those layers he talks about is the persona, the ego, the self, the shadow we talked about, and then the anima or animus. But for now, let's talk about the persona because that is really relevant to how we interact with the world and each other because your persona is like your, your mask, your social mask.

So if you're going to go to a costume party, even a thing, Halloween party, but you pick out a mask or a costume that shows off a certain side of you, maybe something you don't usually get to show or something that'll impress the other guests showing up with your best self.

In Young's term, This costume is like your persona, it's the version of you that you present to the world, and we sometimes want to make it look polished, and social, and sophisticated, sometimes maybe a little bit different from how we really feel inside. Which might just be you wanting to crack jokes and hang out in your pajamas at home and eat pizza. So it's not fake, the persona isn't fake, but it's tailored to fit your situation.

So it's almost like trying to choose the right outfit for an interview on how you, or how you behave on the first day of class. And right now I think it's important just to recognize the persona. Why do we need the persona? Well, we're wired, especially until we aren't, to feel like these first impressions really matter. Just like you want to make a good impression at the party because you want to dress and wear the funny thing, your persona helps you navigate social situations smoothly.

And it's about putting your best foot forward. And we still have this inherent need to fit in. And then we have these comparisons and it's normal. And, but it's a place to build from and your persona offers you protection. It's like a little bit of armor because by controlling what you show to the world, you are protecting your more vulnerable, true self, because we're so worried about being judged, which.

The chances are we will be, and if we aren't in a place of confidence, then that can be a lot to take in. I was doing one of the relationship lives with my daughter, Sydney. We did another one last night and I, boy, if you please join those, we're going to start going live on YouTube next, but we've been doing Tik TOK lives. I think we've got a dozen of them. And last night, I think we had another 17, 18, 000 people and there were 400 questions. And it's just amazing. It's an amazing.

Way to just interact with my daughter and then answer as many relationship questions as we can, but inevitably somebody will come in and say something again. Last night it's pretty pedestrian, but it used to hurt my feelings, which is really funny to admit, but they'll say, don't you ever slow down? And I know I really don't.

And I'm so comfortable with that where in the past, I know that I would have looked at that , and that would have, I would have really taken that as judgment that I'm doing it wrong, but in reality, I'm just doing it. Yeah, I sound like a speed on one and a half when you're listening to podcasts, maybe more. And if I try to slow all this stuff down, then I'm not going to be myself. I remember speaking at an event once and somebody was in the crowd and they had my they had my number.

And so I was reading off my iPad and they texted me and they all capital slow down, lots of exclamation points. And man, it was all I could do to not just get angry and frustrated, because I was, I had 300, 400 people there. I'm trying to communicate as much as I can in the timeframe that I have. And I had so much I wanted to share. And if even somebody right now saying, well, yeah, but you need to, that my experience was, I was going to, I wanted to share so much information.

And so that was one of those moments where I noticed that I got really upset. I didn't say anything. I probably did try to speed things up a little bit, but from that day forward, then I, I was able to take that data in and differentiate what is it bringing up in me that like I'm doing something wrong. I'm an adult human being and I'm just doing and when somebody says, Hey, can you come speak to us? Then I say, yes, and here's what I will speak about. And it is something that I love doing.

So that moment helped me learn that's a someone else thing. If they're saying you need to slow down. I don't even have to respond because I wanted to make a joke there and say, well, they need to, but hey, I appreciate that feedback and that's something I've definitely taken in. Thank you. So that confidence needs to come. I know sometimes before we can just be and do and before we can truly be differentiated or before we can not react.

But also another concept is of why we need this persona is to communicate because it does help in communicating and connecting with others. It's a way that we're trying to show up and we're trying to, I don't know, show up maybe appropriate for the context of where you're at. You know, you probably talk a little bit differently to your grandma than you do to your best friend. And I've got a podcast that I'm writing right now that's talking about another psychologist called Rogers.

He talks about a thing called congruence. Cause right now, yeah, you might talk different to your grandma and your best friend. There is a question about, can you get to this place of just congruence or authenticity where you are just being the same in all areas of your life? And wouldn't that be pretty refreshing? I think it could be. But the catch. Is losing yourself in the mask. Young pointed out a really tricky part though.

He said sometimes we get so caught up in playing these roles that we start to forget who we are underneath the mask. And it's like you wore your Halloween costume for the rest of your life. And then it started to just really feel like you. Turns out maybe I am Shaggy from Scooby Doo. And you start talking like him and I was about to do it and I will not. So this balancing act becomes, it's a balance between recognizing your persona and then now moving into authenticity. How do you balance that?

Self reflection. You're listening to podcasts. If you're still with me, thank you so much. You're, check in with yourself. Are you wearing a mask that feels true to who you are? Is it starting to chafe? And we're back to mindfulness, be mindful of the roles you play in different areas of your life, where you are at work and home and friends. And right now, yeah, you might feel like you're adapting a lot but just start to be aware of, are you doing that at the cost of your core self?

And then are you making these authentic connections? Try to form relationships where you get to be comfortable being more of your true self where you can take that mask off, not just living with your persona and those connections will feel the most rewarding and sometimes I know when people come into my office and I'll talk about this concept, I will sometimes say, where do you feel like you can take that mask off? And a lot of people don't feel like there's anywhere right now.

And we'll start from bringing some awareness because you may not know what you don't know about what that would feel like to be able to just be your authentic self with that mask off. Because hopefully we can help you learn to embrace your whole self.

You are a complex, wonderful, multifaceted human being. So it's okay to have different aspects of yourself highlighted at different times. But the goal is to ensure that the persona you present to the world is still a reflection of your true inner self, not a complete departure from that. So Jung's concept of the persona, it's a really helpful reminder that while we might have these social masks, and they're pretty natural. And some could even argue necessary to interact with other humans.

Can we just start bringing awareness of being able to strive to ensure that they that they're just a part of our larger authentic self, that that's not the whole story, that we don't just find ourselves just, which mask, which mask, which mask? And I do really believe that we can get pretty close to wearing, or just being, wearing one mask for the most part. And every now and again, yeah, if we're going to talk to a grandma, I'll throw one on there that's maybe I don't know.

I can't come up with a funny joke right now. Usually that's one of my favorite things to do, but wrapping things up.

Hopefully you can see that it's normal to care what other people think. It's probably the place that I would start. And in that sense, and I'm talking in a healthy sense, being aware of what other people think can be helpful at time. If it's used as a way to check out how we believe that we're showing up in the world, it becomes an opportunity for us to self confront, to grow. Because some people, safe people, They can notice behaviors about us that we may not even be aware of.

The old what we don't know that we don't know. They can never be sure about our true motives and our secrets and our hidden personality traits because those are reserved for ourselves only. They're part of that vault that we have locked away. So people's thoughts about us based on what they perceive typically don't align exactly with reality. So the feedback we get from others is helpful, but the truth really is within ourselves. Deep inside, We hopefully are learning.

I was going to say we know what we want, but do we? Hopefully, we're starting to learn and understand what we want. And the more we stay true to that, the more consistent we become and the more we recognize other people's thoughts and opinions for what they are. I was going to say something negative, but it's a feedback.

They are their opinions and thoughts or feedback provided for us to take and then do with it what we feel is best for us, which can mean anything from kindly dismissing it altogether, or slowly taking a look at the feedback, look for anything that we can take in and use to ultimately become the very best version of ourselves. Because we, honest to goodness, are indeed the most unique versions of ourselves.

And the sooner we can learn to understand who we are, then I promise you, the more we can experience our lives to their very fullest and what it feels like to be you is really, it's kind of fun. Turns out, I think you're a pretty good hang. Have an amazing week. Taking us out per usual, the wonderful, the talented Aurora Florence with her song. It's wonderful because it is. Have an amazing week. I'll see you next time on the virtual couch.