Rewiring Emotions: From Humor to Honesty in Therapy

Hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm. Hahahaha, come on in and take a seat on the virtual Hey, everybody. Welcome to episode 409. Of the virtual couch, happy new year. I am your host, Tony Overbay. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and host of the waking up the narcism podcast. Love ADHD murder on the couch coast of the mind mirror me and I have a very fun episode today. . We're going to cover all kinds of things, but first.

Go sign up for the newsletter and the go to Tony overbay.com or it will be in the show notes. And let me just say that if you tick tock or YouTube or Instagram, please go find me. My daughter, Sidney and I have been hosting live question and answers on Tik TOK. And we've done five, I think up to this point we're posting one today on my YouTube channel and it is one of the funnest things I think I do at night is to be able to spend this last one was almost an hour and a half.

With my 21 year old daughter said, and answer relationship questions, because there are times where I do feel like I can hang when it comes to questions, but then I will get a lot of questions from people that are. In their twenties. And it turns out that they are slightly different than those in their thirties, forties, fifties, and above. And it's so fun to get her take. And then just the interaction. On our last live, we had just a hair under 15,000 people stopped by with over 400 comments.

Sit and I are both open about our ADHD. It is a super power. It is just a fun interaction. I just enjoy so much about it. So if you go right now to my virtual couch, YouTube channel, Hit that subscribe button. And then watch that last one. I think we really do cover everything and more coming and we'll be bringing the lives to YouTube and Instagram soon as well. So today, this is a very fun one.

And as I was preparing and jotting down notes, this episode almost has a vibe of what have we learned over the past year and therapy, because I'm going to touch on a lot of different things, but the muse for today and actually, okay, let me, let me go on a quick tangent. I had been, I use the word muse a lot. It means a lot to me.

And I've been asking clients in sessions lately when I will talk about amuse and I especially talk about it when it comes to concepts, like differentiation that once you realize that everything really is a you thing and a good way that then. The more you interact with. With people, with things with experiences. Then they are your muse. The more you go and do the more that you have these experiences and you learn more about yourself. So again, asking clients.

Do you, uh, do you know what I mean by amuse? And I'm grateful for their honesty because I do use the word frequently and I am hearing often. Not really, but I'm not really exactly sure what you mean by that. So if you just look at a traditionally, amuse is it's a source of inspiration. And if you go back to Greek mythology, And the muses were , nine goddesses who symbolized the arts and sciences. And they were believed to inspire people. And they inspire people to create, create content.

So over time, basically the term muse has come to refer to any anyone or anything that provides will the say inspiration for creative work. But so in the context that I'm talking about amuse is just something that then helps you learn more about yourself. It provides inspiration so that you can self confront and grow. So when I'm referring today to this article, it acts as my muse. Then I'm just saying that this, this article that we're going to talk about today. Stimulates my thoughts.

My ideas allows me to provide commentary. It's a starting point. It's a catalyst for the the topics that we're going to get to today. So here we go.

The article is titled, is everybody. So the article is titled, is everyone out here lying to their therapist? And it's by a Carolyn Steber and according to Carolyn's bio she's the fitness and wellness director at bustle, where she's been on staff since 2015. And she says that for covering relationship and dating topics for years, she made the switch to exercise trends and workout tips.

But before we even get to whether or not people are lying to their therapist, I think one question that I get often and that I would love to address right out of the gate here is. Do you think I need therapy? I get asked that often I get asked in interviews. I talked about it on this live and when I meet people and often when they find out what I do for a living, they'll say, well, man, I don't think I need therapy to you.

And that's somebody that I don't even know, but the answer is in a broad setting or in a broad sense. Yes. And I am acknowledging that I don't even know necessarily who you are. And I typically don't try and convince somebody because if you don't want to go then that is not something that you need to be forced to do.

And if you don't want to go, then I think it's also safe to say that you're probably not going to be very curious about the process and you almost likely be operating from a place of. Yeah, buts. Just a lot of, well, yeah, but, uh, I've done that or, yeah, but. I really do think that's going to work or those kinds of things. And in that scenario, it's almost like you're paying money to go, try to prove to somebody that, that their profession is not a value. And I will say that.

To the insecure therapist. And I think all therapists, I guess I is a lot of therapists that I am aware of. There they are pretty insecure at first because you do find yourself. It feeling the need to defend your job. And also I noticed too that you feel like you really want to have an opinion on anything. So if somebody comes up to you, when you're a new therapist and says, Hey, I got some parenting questions, can you help me? Boy?

I was sure quick to say, yes, I am a therapist and here are some things about parenting. And now when, if somebody says, Hey, do you have a couple of minutes? I've got some questions about your, about parenting. Then it is a. I don't know who this person is in that regard. And so who am I to offer them advice about their parenting? I can offer some general parenting advice.

So hopefully with, with little more maturity and security, then, you know, as a therapist that you provide a very beneficial service. So if somebody is telling you that they don't need it, Or it doesn't work then I think the correct answer is I hear you. Thank you.

But why talk therapy in the first place? And I want to start by sharing something that I thought just, it sums up a pretty fundamental reason that talk therapy works . So for that, I'm going to turn to Andrew Huberman, who is a neuroscientist and a podcaster. And if you are not familiar with him, then. Time saying lightheartedly, you may have been spending time under a rock because his podcast, Huberman labs is consistently one of the most popular podcasts around it is pretty incredible.

Some of them are two, three hours long and he did start in 2021. And I started much earlier than that. And he is so far surpassed me, but I'm not bitter. I'm really not. He's an associate professor of neurobiology and ophthalmology at Stanford university school of medicine. So in one of his videos, and this is when I was starting to take a look at EMDR. Which a lot of therapists use for trauma. And I found a YouTube video of his, that was talking about eye movement and how it can.

Provide grounding or stability and safety. And I liked that so much. They ended up jotting down the, what he said from the YouTube video, and I've got it in a Google doc and I refer to it often. So I'm going to summarize that here. And that will lead to the why I think talk therapy works in the first place. So according to Andrew Huberman, we all know that when we're young, our brains are like sponges. And so then Huberman says that as we get older, our brains don't necessarily adapt as easily.

Now, this is not saying that the brain is locked in at a certain age. Because that's a thought back in the day, but we'll talk about that neuroplasticity in a few minutes. But as we older, our brains don't necessarily adapt as easily. But there is a very cool thing that happens in our brain. Thanks to some Nobel prize winning research that when we really start to focus on something. There's a chemical called acetylcholine.

And when that kicks in, it's like a spotlight in our brain that makes certain connections between neurons stronger and more likely to fire up. So he says, think about it. When you hear your favorite song. And maybe how it just moves you because that is dopamine getting released. And he says that, then acetycholine it then makes you zero in on that song. And then it's like that song gets hardwired into your, your central nervous system into your body.

And then you start to maybe even feel your body start to react whenever you hear that song. Because your brain is ultimately in charge of your muscles. So when it comes to things, tough things like trauma or negative experiences. Now we're talking about using this brains, flexibility that to then unlearn those things. And then he says most therapies, whether it's EMDR, which is what I went to this article to is.

Which is what I went to this YouTube video to first take a look at, but then he says, or traditional talk therapy, or then even things like somatic breathing, but they're all about getting you. Very alert and focused on these difficult memories. But here's the key. The trick is the pair that focus with something new and positive.

So in the old days, and this is where he said, even now in talk therapy, then it's really about feeling safe with your therapist while you're dealing and talking about these tough memories. Because the idea is then to have these two experiences at once. Maybe the bad memory or the intense situation. And the feeling of safety. And that is something that can be provided by the therapist and talk therapy, because that combination is what starts to rewire your brain.

And I really, I believe this works, but it isn't a quick fix. It takes time and it can take a lot of therapy sessions, which then Andrew Huberman says he realizes not everybody can do because they may not have the resources. Or even the opportunity depending on their, their situation, but it's definitely a path to healing.

So that is a huge reason why I think talk therapy works in my very humble opinion that if somebody shares a childhood trauma, let's say, uh, or let's even say that it can be, you shared that your parents didn't buy you new school clothes, but they spend a lot of money on their own vices. And then let's just say that you share that with a friend you're talking about old times or old days, and it's even a good friend.

And they mean well, but if they respond and say, man, somebody should have said something to them, or did you ever try and tell them what it was like for you? Again, even if that is a nice person. And I absolutely think that people mean well when they're saying things like this and heaven forbid the person saying, Hey, that's ridiculous or what are the, what are you there? Your parents. What are you crying about? But if anything is said, quite frankly, other than man, what was that? Like?

Tell me more. What we then immediately feel is that we are being judged and that we did something wrong. And so we will over time, stop opening up to people. And so then now let's talk about the negativity bias in our brain. It is there for a reason, meaning that if you don't open up about things to people or you don't, if you're not able to process things with somebody that you feel safe with and you can start to.

Change those neuropathways, again, people who will say, tell me more, what was that? Like? I can't even imagine. Then we will go right back to internalizing those thoughts, those emotions, those memories. And we'll actually add a little bit to those and even say, Man, I must have been wrong as a kid or that I must have maybe made more out of that than it really was. Because even as I'm expressing it now as an adult, apparently I'm doing it the wrong way.

But anyway, that negativity bias because negativity, biases it's a really fascinating, and it's one of those fundamental concepts in psychology. And it refers to our brain's tendency to pay more attention to negative experiences than positive ones. You know, it's like our brain is a, it's a Velcro for the bad experiences and then Teflon for good ones. And this bias is deeply rooted in our evolutionary history. So why would the brain be wired this way to then go toward the negative?

Well, it goes back to our early days as humans, because imagine our ancestors are living in the wild and for them paying attention to potential threats, like a predator lurking nearby. That was absolutely crucial for survival. So missing a positive experience, maybe like finding a delicious patch of berries. And now that might be a bummer, but missing a negative one. Like not noticing the saber tooth tiger. Could be deadly.

So our brains evolved to be hyper alert to danger, and then to all the negative aspects of our environment. And then this negativity bias actually helped our ancestors survive, but in our modern world, It's kind of like a double-edged sword and it's why we often dwell on negative comments. Uh, far more than positive ones or why bad news tends to stick with us longer than good news. And certainly in today's day and age, we have an abundance of bad news.

And if we, if let's just say that a airplane crashed. CHRO halfway across the world, back in the old days, if you happen to get a newspaper or watch the six o'clock news and they don't, if it's a slow news day, you might then hear about this thing happening across the world. But now you can pull up a social media app to watch a hilarious animal video, dog, Vail video, or a little kid swearing, or people breaking into simultaneous dance, which those are all fun.

And then you're met though with, oh, and here's a video about a plane crash where everybody died. So it makes it pretty easy for us to then focus more on bad news because that is, we can see plenty of that. And it takes, you have to be pretty intentional too, to not just see just bad news, randomly popping up in your newsfeed. And then man, now take a look at the wonderful algorithms of today. And if you, if you spend more time just looking at it because maybe absolutely.

Shocks you well, now the algorithm says this person enjoys looking at bad news. I must feed them more bad news and more bad news. And then the bad news sticks with us longer than good news. So it's not necessarily that we're pessimistic by nature. It's just our, uh, our doorbell brain doing what it was designed to do, which is keeping us safe. But that does not mean that we are doomed to be negative because once we understand that we have that negative bias in the first place.

Then that's where we can start to counteract it because when we start to train our brains to recognize and really take in and saver all the positive experiences. And then we, we know now we can balance out this innate tendency toward the negative, because it just first, you need to be aware. Because it's all about being aware of the bias and then actively working to focus on the positive aspects of our lives. So let's jump into this article.

Carolyn says, according to ticktock, she said, I am not alone. My tendency to hold back the truth. She said a few years ago, I went through a phase where I was really into doing standup comedy. She said, I'd walk up on the stage at tap the mic at look into the bright lights. And I would try to lay in my five minute bit. Today Mike comedy sets a reserve for my therapist whom I've come to view. As an audience member instead of a healthcare professional.

She said that my goal when we log into zoom is to be as funny and likable as possible. And that often means I don't tell her the whole truth about what's going on in my life. Because why would I want to ruin the vibe of my 45 minute special when I could make her laugh with quippy observations and lighthearted commentary?

She said a, uh, I consider my session a success, not if we had a breakthrough or an aha moment, but if we giggled for a good portion of the time and man, I know that I have clients like this. So let me just jump in here and I will throw out a few different things first up. Is, is there a correct way to therapy? I certainly do not think so. If there is, then that sounds, I think it would be more of a me issue. As the therapist, this is how you do therapy.

No. You know, if I'm saying no, no, no you have to open up. You have to take this very seriously. Don't you see my corduroy jacket with the with the arm patches, it's probably an old reference. But how about we start with this? This is your 50 minutes or 45 minutes, depending on your therapist. So where are we going today? And if you don't know, by all means, I am absolutely happy to throw a few things out there and let's start doing.

It's funny because I was thinking about this and there are clients who come in. Empty their pockets, take their shoes off, sit at the edge of the couch and then they just go. Others, they sit back and they cross their legs and they look at me and I start. And I have this little therapy clock that shows how much time is left and it's in red and it, it disappears. It winds down.

Uh, some people like it, some people don't, they let me know and I use it, or I don't sometimes when I don't use it, then I'm the one taking my shoes off. And when there are five minutes left in the session, then I, I gently put my shoes back on kind of like a Mr. Rogers back in the old days. And then they know we're getting close. Some clients wait until the very end. And, uh, it's almost like when they finally see that the red is almost out on the clock.

Then they bring it up and I use my hilarious line. Oh man. Sounds like you buried the lead today. Some clients come in and we honest to goodness, we ADHD the heck out of a session and it is like listening to a podcast at one and a half. Speed. Thoughts, questions, everything just firing back and forth. Unapologetic. And then I've also had some that honestly just share for the entire time.

Always inserting things like, uh, I do want to hear what you have to say, but let me just get a few more things out. And I also have clients that say that they want advice, which can be adorable because if I go ahead and throw that out there, it's often met with a well, yeah, but that wouldn't work for me or some who then say you know, I've already had a conversation with you in my head. So I kind of just want to see if I'm right. I actually had one of those just yesterday and it was fun.

I have people who use these 50 minutes and purely admit and own that this is the only place where they complain or they gossip. And in some of the, to me, some of the funniest situations, people who come in and they are so on the outside, they appear to just be Zen. Mindful maybe incredibly put together a professional pure as the driven snow, and then they come in and they just swear like an eighties comedian or an old salty sailor.

So, what I do think is interesting about this article in general is that using a session to try out bits, so to speak normal, very normal. Using it to then. Yeah. But the therapist normal using it to just dump. Normal using it to complain about being the person who is constantly dumped on so normal.

So then let's talk. Though about what humor can do, especially in the setting of therapy. Or psychology in general, because I know for a fact that my default in my brain is humor. I mean, it is constantly on. So in psychology, there are these concepts of primary and secondary emotions, and those are so important and understanding how we process and how we express our feelings. So in essence, primary emotions occur in direct response to an external event or a circumstance, a situation.

And then the secondary emotions, they are our reaction to our primary emotions and they are typically we dig into that well of self judgment or they're influenced by. How we internalize that event, what it says that we think it says about us. So I like pointing this out and I went and dug into some of the notes that I did, I think on an episode about emotional intelligence, not too long ago.

Primary and secondary emotions are also connected to this Buddhist concept that I enjoy, which is the first dart or the second dart, or it's called the first arrow or the second arrow. And this is sometimes even easier to remember it this way. The first dart is equivalent to your primary emotions. It's the initial. Unavoidable pain or discomfort that we experience when something happens, especially something unpleasant happens. So you can think about that.

First dart is being thrown at you by life. It's part of the human condition and it's most often out of our control, something happens and we feel so it's like life threw a dart at us. So, for example, if somebody loses their job, then the immediate disappointment or shock or fear that you feel represents the first dart life threw a dart at you. And you react. That's your primary emotion? The second dart is similar to secondary emotions.

And now that's the additional suffering that we inflict upon ourselves because of our reactions to the first start. So it's unlike the first dart we have control or more control once we're aware over the second one. And this is where our self judgements and our fears. And mainly, I mean, a big part of this is our interpretations. Of events of what people are going to expect or what. We think that somebody is going to think of us.

And so those interpretations that we have of whatever, the event that just happened those definitely intensify our initial pain that we got from the first start. So if somebody loses that job, for example, you start blaming yourself, you feel worthless, you start sinking into despair because you believe that you could have done something to prevent it. So those feelings like that would represent a second dart. Those are your secondary emotions.

And when I was talking about building emotional intelligence I was pointing out that you really need to recognize the distinction between the primary and secondary emotions are the first and second arts, because it's about acknowledging that while you can't always control the first start, the primary motion. You can start to manage the second one, the secondary emotion by being able to take a moment, take a breath, take a pause and altering your perspective and being able to show up different.

Change your response. And that's the kind of understanding that lets you start to cultivate a more intentional, less reactive mindset because people that are just reacting to everything in life. Are getting hit by that first start, before they know it, the second dart, they throw it themselves. And all of a sudden they are just, you know, they're reacting to the initial pain and then they're going to take it out on somebody else.

And you really with, with awareness and emotional consistency and those kinds of things, then you're going to eventually get to this less reactive mindset. And that is going to reduce by a multitude or a magnitude that self-inflicted suffering that comes from the second dart, or when you beat yourself up. And again, this is from the podcast, I think on emotional intelligence. But it is a pretty fun lengthy journey and it takes time and patience and practice.

And that's why I threw that in here today, because it is absolutely okay. And kind of necessary to seek help. People like therapists, coaches, they can help you with tools. And again, even act as your muse. Another example that I think of often with this is where embarrassment can be the first start in an anger can be the second. So think about being at a meeting at work and you make a mistake during a presentation.

And maybe you misread a graph or you gave the wrong conclusion or something happened immediately. Then you feel a wave of embarrassment and that just washes over you. That first start happens immediately. As maybe somebody points out the air. Uh, you know, are you sure that that's, the numbers are correct there because they do it in front of everybody. That embarrassment. There it is. First start primary motion.

So then the immediate response to the unpleasant experience of making a mistake in public, that is it's okay. It's to be expected. It just happens. That is what happened. You reacted. So then the second dart. So let's go back into your childhood. Take a seat on my couch for a minute here. As a child, let's say that you had a parent who is overly critical and they would continually point out and quite angrily.

Every little mistake that you made, made you feel small, make you feel humiliated, and then when your friends would come over, they would even say, oh, don't, uh, don't get Kevin started because he loves breaking things. Or, if he'd get him talking he'll for sure. Say something wrong.

Then that childhood wound is taught you to associate mistakes with being criticized and feeling diminished and feeling less than, and people are going to think less of you, and they're going to leave you and abandon you and your friends. Aren't gonna wanna play with you anymore. And you get fired from your job. So when your colleagues point out your error, it's not just the embarrassment. You feel it triggers a childhood wound. It stirs up these feelings of anger. That is the second dart.

The anger, isn't just about the mistake you made or your colleagues' comments. It is a big old giant defense mechanism. That secondary motion. Those are so fueled by our past experiences. And it's your own subconscious, it's your, you know, when you talk about a concept in therapy called internal family systems, it's your parts work? It is the protector. It is your subconscious desire to protect yourself to protect that, that poor childhood exiled emotion from feeling small and humiliated.

Again. Because I am going to lash out at anybody who dares try to get into that. That childhood wound had there you do that. So recognizing that your anger then as a secondary emotion and it is that response to a childhood wound. Not really about the immediate situation. Cause it's okay. As an adult human being to overlook something. And to make a mistake. So by, by being aware that it can help you start to manage your reactions better. You're doing a B, and you gotta put in that time though.

Mindfulness race baseline. Get your sleep. Probably eat a little better. Stay hydrated. Hopefully you're doing something that really matters to you. Because all those things come into play and that allows you to understand that it is not the criticism itself causing your anger. But it's good. Old wounds being reopened. And that's never a fun time. Less it was your knee as a kid. And it's a weird scab that seems like he just couldn't start, stop picking it.

But by acknowledging working on healing, the wounds, then over time. Then you find that the first art of embarrassment, it's still you'll feel it. It's still going to strike when you might make a mistake or somebody. Point something out. I mean, there it is.

Alright. I'm noticing that, but the secondary of anger loses its power and that allows you to just be more calm and you can really address the first start and the. It's like, oh, I own it. I made a mistake. Yeah, my bad, but I can learn. Instead of, if I'm angry, then I get the walkaway as a victim and say, man, those guys are jerks. And they don't know how hard I work and all those kinds of things.

Let me throw a marriage example out. This was on that podcast as well. That episode let's say a husband and a wife are at a social gathering during a conversation with friends, the wife playfully brings up an incident where the husband made a small, but humorous mistake at home. Maybe he mixed up laundry detergent with fabric softener, leading to a very sudsy mess, or one that I did in real life was put the What was it? I put the dish soap in the dish sheet, washing dishwasher.

And that does, that creates a lot of bubbles. It kind of looks fun, but at the moment, I didn't think it was so fun. Then the husband immediately feels a surge of embarrassment. It is our first start natural reaction to having an arrow brought up in a public setting, even if the story is being shared with humor. And even if it really isn't done with malice.

But then the second dart comes into play as a child. Let's say that that husband had a critical parent who had ridiculed his mistakes in front of others. You can see that the child, the childhood wound is going to say, this is literally happening right now. So those experiences they created in his childhood, a sense of shame, humiliation around making errors. And then again, and then a mom would leave the room kind of laughing. Or maybe the friends would say. Let's go guys.

And this is your wife. So that will make you feel like extreme abandonment is just on the horizon. And so then you might have this defensive anger to protect your dignity. You know, your, your fragile ego. So when then in this scenario of this guy's wife brings up the laundry incident in a social setting. It's not just the embarrassment of the mistake that impacts him. Situation brings back all those good childhood wounds. And then there's that unexpected surge of anger, the second dart.

And it is much more intense than it needs to be. It's not a begin. It's not about the. It's not about that situation. It's childhood. And then he might react super defensive and snap at his wife or withdraw from the gathering, even though his wife really didn't mean harm. She had no intention of causing such a reaction.

And so while we're here, let's talk about humor because I really do feel humor is my secondary emotion like nobody's business. If there are some uncomfortable first start emotions that are hit me, nothing better than a couple of jokes to enlighten the mood and then make me a li alleviates my anxiety. Even if the jokes don't go over very well.

I was thinking about an example that, uh, if let's say somebody is recently lost a loved one, now the primary emotion that they might experience is grief and it is natural and it's an immediate response to loss. But in certain situations, then they might use humor as a secondary emotion to cope with. Or mask the grief. Hypothetically, they might be at a Memorial service. They might crack jokes or share funny stories about the people that they lost.

I just was talking to somebody that went to a funeral of a loved one and she nailed it. She just said that people started. Just telling some, some funny stories and it was the perfect example of people that are using humor. And it's not about getting rid or negating the grief, but it's a way to manage maybe the intensity of the primary emotions or how uncomfortable people are with those primary emotions. And it also helps. It's like a social tool to help connect with other people.

And then we can all have a shared laugh or experience, even if you didn't know the person. That was a pretty funny story. And, uh, and so then it even can help honor the memory of the person and, uh, in a good way. But in that context, humor acts as more of like a buffer and it helps people and other people around you process that primary emotion of grief in a way that feels way more manageable.

Or maybe even it's like social glue or social cohesion and it's a. It's just, it shows how complex that human emotions are. And so then in one sense, it can really feel like I'm saying, oh, you need to not do your secondary emotions. It's okay to be very emotional in that moment and deal with the grief. But for some it's. At that. That secondary motion of humor can be a Sal bond. It can be a building block and this is where I'm. Going with this hot take.

I want to throw this out there, which is purely my opinion, but I kind of feel. That thanks to the neuroplasticity of the brain, which we're about to talk about. A lot of these concepts are pulled from the book, the Buddha brain about in it's about implicit memory. And I quote. Much as your body is built from the food you eat, your mind is built from the experiences that you have. So the flow of experience, gradually sculpts your brain, thus shaping your mind.

So some of the results can be explicitly recalled. This is what I did last summer. This is how I felt when I was in love. But most of the shaping of your mind remains forever unconscious. So it's the things that are just happening as you're being in doing. And this is called your implicit memory and it includes your expectations, your models of relationships, your emotional tendencies, put a little pin in that one. What if my emotional tendency is to continue to go to humor.

I'm aware it's a secondary emotion, but I that's what I do. And also your just general overall outlook play into this, but implicit memory establishes the what the author, Rick Hanson said, the interior landscape of your mind, what it feels like to be, you.

And that is based on these slowly accumulating residues of lived experience. And then he says, but here's the problem. Your brain preferentially scans for register stores, recalls and reacts to unpleasant experiences. And we said this earlier in the episode, it's like Velcro for negative and Teflon for positive. So consequently, even when positive experiences, far out number, negative ones that big old pile of negative implicit memories. Partially grows faster.

And then the background feeling of what it feels like to be, you becomes undeservedly glum and even pessimistic. And then he says the remedy is not to suppress negative experiences when they happen. They happen, but it's to foster the positive ones. It's that being and doing. And in particular, you, you take them in so they can become a permanent part of you. With that said, I would like to posit that.

I think my secondary emotion of humor has been so prevalent. It is such a part of my life, such a part of the interior landscape of my mind. So much of a part of what it feels like to be me, that I would tend to argue that it is changed places and is now darn near my primary emotion or my immediate reaction. So when something happens, it is immediately humorous and from a place of. Man, that that just happened. That's kind of funny. And then over time than what it feels like to be me.

Pretty fun. Uh, hopefully it's pretty good.

Hang. So back to the article Carolyn says, , I also found out that I'm not alone with my silly little approach to therapy. Again, she's using it as a standup. A place to try out bits. She sat on Tik TOK. The topic of lying to your therapist is over 600 million views. And there are countless stories, just like my own. So, whether you tell a white lie, a whole lie, or simply gloss over your bad day with a laugh. It seems fairly common to hold back.

she said that in a perfect world, you'd peel open, like an onion. The moment your therapist asked you how you're feeling, but according to Tik TOK, which is a very large social media platform with a billion, billions of millions, hundreds of millions of users. And that scenario. It is so common to smile and say that you feel great, even when you don't.

, then she quotes some people, a creator, Mackenzie Smith admitted that she replies to her therapist question in a way that she hopes will paint her in the best light. So instead of being honest, She gives the right answer, despite knowing that that is not actually the whole truth. She quits another person who said her therapist thinks she's thriving and doing great, but it's only because she's telling cheeky little ice and reality, your therapist doesn't know what's going on in her life.

It breaks my heart as the therapist. She said a peek at the comment section revealed. I think this is too. One of the Tik TOK videos that a lot of people do the same thing. One person agreed by saying, I don't want my therapist to judge me while another road. I'm a people pleaser. I want them to feel like they're doing well at their job. Which man, I it's so wild because I, there are people where I have felt that with and.

One of the funniest things is when somebody comes in and says to me, Hey, how are you doing? And I say. I you, you that I'm fine. That is that we're here to talk about you.

But it makes so much sense because I think we all still desperately want validation until we don't. We want to be told that we are okay until we get to the point where we have to realize and eventually believe that we are okay. That we may ask for somebody's opinion, but it is simply that it's their opinion. I, I know I'm okay. But boy, that is a process. And if you aren't working on that process, Then you're kicking the can down the road. Yeah, I'll be happy when I'll be happy.

When I get married, I'll be happy when I have kids. When I have a better job, when I have a better car. When I have a six pack, abs when the kids are in school. Um, when a pay off that bill when we're empty nesters or when we get through this trial or this ordeal, and the truth is. The truth is I feel like I'm now building up to something huge.

That if you're not doing, I believe some sort of self confrontation, some self work talking to somebody that isn't just your own brain about things, not just looking for self-help purely through social media. At podcast and yeah, this is the podcast. But as is the case with even all my podcast, this is all from a, Hey, check this out. This is where I'm at. These are legitimate tools and you deserve to be happy and to grow and to love and to be loved.

So maybe this will propel you to go see a therapist because I really believe therapist works because I'm, I'm a. I'm a therapist. And I watched people make big changes every day, all the time. It does take time and it takes a lot of consistency and the right tools. So go get them because you deserve it. But back to the point. So we all seek validation and sometimes I joke that I am the world's greatest paid friend. But I'm also not simply telling you what you want to hear for your money.

And, uh, it's probably one of the number one complaints I hear from people who eventually come to a therapist in spite of their spouse who doesn't want to go because he or she already has the therapist who they don't know. And again, they aren't in therapy. But they figured out the, no, I know what that therapist is all about. All that there's telling what you want to hear. Cause I just want your money. I'm sure. I appreciate people's money.

It's out therapists make their living, but for some reason, some other professions don't quite get the same vibe. Sure your leg is broken, but why go to the doctor? He just wants your money. Let me get on Tik TOK. Maybe I can find a video of somebody who talks about how to heal a broken leg. Over a backdrop of a motivational song. And then there might even be a acute animal in the background. So admittedly, this is a lot of what is going through my brain.

If I hear somebody say, I don't think a therapy would work for me or I've never been, but I'm pretty sure it's not for me. And this leads me to another topic. And honestly, I'm very open about my thoughts on coaching, because I have had coaches life coaches on my podcast, and I make the joke often that I never got the memo early on in therapy that I was not supposed to like life coaches or I, that I was supposed to. Think, well there, they aren't really helping because they aren't therapists.

And I know that I I've heard often life coaches that say therapist . , all they care about is the past. I'm about the now. And can't, we all get along. We can find the some common ground. Because I seem to be getting asked more and more about coaching as there are coaches who are in the news because of their unethical parenting practices or harmful ways of trying to help people overcome things like turning to.

Pornography as a coping mechanism using shame or an incredibly prescriptive method to helping that. If you aren't doing it this exact way, then you must not care enough. You're not doing it right. I have a coaching certification myself. I am a certified mindful habit coach, and I believe there are times where somebody really is looking for a jumping off point. It may be a north star to navigate toward.

A, this is what you need to do, but that is what the coach believes people need to do in order to succeed. I have worked with thousands of people and it turns out that each and every single person is different. I was recently talking with a friend of mine. His name is Abner. He's studying the effects of trauma and childhood getting his doctorate and how trauma manifests in our genes, looking at epigenetics.

I'm actually got some of his research that I'm going to use in an upcoming waking up the narcissism podcast. But he shared with me that we have something and I double check this with him because I thought this is wild. We have something like 37 trillion cells in our bodies and each cell has approximately 20,000 genes. And basically each gene has an on, off switch that can change fluidly based on environmental and other conditions.

So I find myself continually going back to the no one really does know what it feels like truly to be. You. Or to be me. And I don't exactly know how you feel. Sometimes I think that we aren't really sure how we feel. That's part of what we're trying to figure out, which is why I like this idea of listen to the podcast. Read the books. Watch the reels go to therapy, talk to a coach. Because this is your individualized customized treatment plan.

It turns out that we're all trying to find the things that work for us, but just continue to be doing, even if you had to go work out some comedy bits with your therapist, that's, that's doing. And then let's even talk about then once you do feel heard or understood. Even then technically do you completely. Or is it more of it? This just, it feels better. To not be argued with or to not be judged and told you're wrong. Because when that happens, you are wasting time and emotional calories.

Ruminating worrying about what this person thinks of you and then defending somebody else's view of you that isn't even real because it's their view of you, but it sure can feel real. Because do I even know myself? Well, then I better go to therapy, but I don't want my therapist to think that I'm a wreck because they see people all day and every day and I want to be one of their favorites. So I'll be really confident when I go in there or I'll tell some really funny jokes.

Okay. But before we get back to the article, then if we really are 37 trillion cells with 20,000 genes and the things that we do that we think that we feel. Uh, Cain, apparently, maybe even the things that we eat, but we will maybe talk about that on a future episode. But if they matter, not in a, you have to do everything right now or you ruined it and by it, I mean life and your, uh, health and relationships. I know because let's talk about that. Adorable pink squishy brain. It can change.

Boy. Can it change?

So , let's talk about neuroplasticity. And I'm going to use a section from a book that I jokingly on my new podcast, love ADHD with my co-host Julie Lee that I refer to as one of my standard works of scripture, the book ADHD, 2.0 by the authors, Hallowell and retai. And they lay out this concept so well, because what they say when talking about neuroplasticity is that it is one of the coolest things in the last 30 years. And that the leaps that we've made in understanding the brain.

Because for ages, we tried to explain mental struggles with ideas about willpower or maybe religion or philosophy. But now we are in an era where we can actually see what's happening in the brain. And its nervous system. Because we've got the tools to measure all kinds of things now in the brain, like the various chemicals or electrical activity, uh, blood flow, which has been pretty amazing and how the brain uses energy and oxygen, and even the size of different brain parts.

And we're starting to link all these to how the brain works. And we're also getting a handle on genetics and epigenetics, which is how your environment then affects your genes. So then according to this book, take depression. For example, you might have the genes that could lead to depression, but if you grew up with loving parents and if you are in a supportive environment, then those genes might not ever kick in.

But if you had a tough childhood with trauma or neglect, then those same genes are more likely to show up. Because it's always this mix of nature and nurture. Good environments. Can lessen the impact of bad genes, but in bad environments can do the opposite. But then here's the really exciting part. Neuroplasticity, because this is a game changer in neuroscience, because it used to be thought that by 25 or 30 or whatever it was that your brain was pretty much set in stone.

I mean, some people used to say by five or 12 or, but that just isn't true. All those sayings about not being able to teach an old dog new tricks they just aren't accurate because your brain is constantly changing in response to your experiences and who you love and where you live and what you eat and how much you exercise and your stress levels. If you have a pet, if you laugh a lot. And that is fantastic news because it means that we can change who we are and where we're headed. No matter.

Our age , I'll go back to, it's not easy, but it is possible and you're never too old for a new start.

Or a new love or a better day because our brains give us this chance every single day. Let's go back to the article. We'll finish up here. She quotes. A licensed clinical social worker named Carrie torn. And she's out of North Carolina.

She said there are multiple reasons why people might lie to their therapist. One is that once we say something out loud, it can feel more real and true. In that case, it's easier to keep things light, so you don't have to face tough topics. And then that's. Why I talked earlier on about it, it can also be very therapeutic. And helpful. To be able to express things that are tough to somebody that is saying, tell me more when it feels safe. But she's absolutely right.

That that's one of the reasons why she said it's also common to admit certain facts until you get comfortable with your therapist. Absolutely. Carrie Torin says it can take a while to test the waters and make sure you're in a safe space. Before you talk about your past and reveal dark secrets, and the therapist feels that you really do. And then she did say people pleasing is a huge factor. According to torn, you might feel some internal pressure to assure your therapist that you're doing.

Okay. And then that often involves sticking to a small. I just little bit smalltalk. So instead of sharing how you truly feel, you might reply by saying that, you know, The things, but, but overall things are good or just kind of busy. She said, if you're like me, you may also try to make your therapist laugh rather than reveal what's on your mind. Humor is a great coping mechanism. And a way to deflect from deeper feelings that might be uncomfortable.

She says, so then the article ends by saying how to get real, that it is fine to turn to some of these tactics on occasion, but if you catch yourself performing standup week after week, torn, recommends asking your therapist to hold you accountable. And this is where I want to tell you. You, your therapist does know. I love this concept where whatever it is that you do. If you do it well and you enjoy it, you've been doing it for a long time. You do see patterns.

I've loved when I can talk to somebody that does Oh, what's the interrogations. Cause I've had multiple clients throughout the years that are in law enforcement or some branch of the government where they do interrogations. And they already have information. So they are getting you to talk about the story or whatever the events are. And they already know that people don't normally have. Where they were . Seven months ago on a Tuesday night down when then seven months ago on the Wednesday night.

They're not really sure. No they've rehearsed the alibi or when three people all have the exact same story. It really doesn't work that way in the world. So there, there are those things. So a therapist. You maybe give him a little bit of credit that they do recognize when there's inconsistencies. Or your app that your story doesn't match your face.

But if you ask to be held accountable or one of my favorite things that I have, some of my clients say is, Hey, obviously I don't know what I don't know. So. Helped me find those things that I don't know that I don't even know. And I think that's a form of accountability. So then they can encourage you that there was gonna encourage you to open up. They can make you libel. When you start to give one word answers.

And it is perfectly acceptable to say that you aren't quite ready to talk about a certain topic. , remember that the goals you have in therapy or your goals, it says torn. You can be honest with your therapist about the things that you don't want or that you aren't ready to work on just yet. And that is fine. A good therapist will help you get there in your own time. It isn't just this prescriptive. Way to do it, uh, one way to do it thing.

It could also help to say out loud, whenever you feel the urge to lie. And I love that when somebody is like, Okay. I am already heading down a path of a little white lie. Therapy needs to be the safest place. It really does. So then she says, after naming it, your therapist will be able to help you go deeper and explore the impulse and help you break that habit altogether. , there's another one that I really enjoy.

And that is if I am talking or sharing something and the client, all of a sudden is no longer paying attention. And I love that being the safest place where I want to encourage the client to say, I totally lost you because if I get offended that as a me thing, and how often are we in normal human interaction and conversations where we, we aren't paying attention. We notice that we're not paying attention. So that's something that you can work on.

There are so many ways that you can learn about yourself. If you have another person that you can interact with, that is seriously not going to judge you and tell you yeah, you are doing this horrible. So I think maybe what, what did we learn today? The best thing you can do is to try and be open and I get it before you do that, you do have to feel fairly comfortable with your therapist, or if you're working with a coach, because it is ultimately HQ.

At you thing, but it's not only okay, but it's really normal and my very humble and professional opinion.

And necessary to interact with another human. And how about one that studies human behavior and works with human behavior and psychology on a daily basis. But preferably one that you vibe with that you feel safe with, and yeah, that's probably going to take a little bit of time, but at some point, if you don't feel comfortable, then check that out.

You have learned that I am not comfortable with this type of person, something that you can do a little self confrontations that with you may not like the high energy therapist. I have literally been told by people who have not worked with me, that they aren't sure if they would. Like my energy and that is okay, and it's no problem.

And I will say in my former more emotionally immature days, probably more and more people pleasing days, I probably would have spent a little time trying to convince that person that they really would like me. I promise. But at this point I am just grateful that you are aware of that, of whatever that preference is. And then it sounds like you're on the path of finding somebody that you may fit better with.

I really feel strongly about this just like life is not a I'm at point a. And I need to know exactly what point Z is and exactly how to get there. Please give me some certainty. That really is more about from a to B and B to C and C to D because Man, we want that certainty, but that a to Z and nothing is quite that way. Anything your career, your marriage, your parenting, especially not finding help. If we are experiencing life, we are going to be growing and learning.

And sometimes certain people and certain places and certain foods and relationships and jobs will serve us so incredibly well. Until , they might not continue to do so. And then what a joy to work out that new uncertainty muscle find a new therapist, go to a new restaurant. Have different conversations with your spouse and embrace a parenting model that you haven't looked at before.

Watch a different show, go to a different store, go to a different restaurant, drive home in a different way, because you really won't know until you do. Now go and do and do and be, and I feel like now I need to keep the pattern parade going with B. And be, well. Uh, okay. Be well. Oh, be well be well, there we go be well now. Taking us out per usual, the wonderful, the talented. Uh, roar Florence with her song. It's wonderful.

Have a. Have an amazing week and we'll see you next time on the virtual catch.