One of the biggest challenges that I see as a therapist is that we truly have a hard time seeing outside of ourselves, because everything that's coming at us every second of every day, it is being viewed directly through our lens. It's our default setting. And that is part of the human experience. When you see something or when you hear something, you have to make a judgment. You're actually already making it immediately. Is it safe? Is it a threat? And if it's not a threat, is it funny?
Or what did that person mean by that? Or how could they say that? Don't they know what that means to me? Don't we all basically agree on some general rules and tenets of society or of life? So again, our default setting with our observation of somebody's behavior is judgment. And at that point, we have already begun that judgment and the next steps are in motion. We're already thinking up our defense and we're ready to help that person really understand.
Or we're not going to say what's really on our mind because they might get angry or they may leave us. So often we censor ourselves and then we start to build some resentment because of things that are happening immediately in our brains that we most likely aren't even aware of what we're not aware of. And that truly is tragic because little do we know that we're missing out on more opportunities than we're even aware of due to our defensiveness or due to our insecurities.
And don't get me started on discomfort, even though actually we're gonna talk about that quite a bit today. But we don't like it. But what if I were to tell you that that is the very area of uncertainty and discomfort where we find the greatest opportunity for growth. Meanwhile, we want to do more of the things that make us feel good and less of the things that don't. And over time, we tend to then judge things, sometimes very harshly, especially ourselves.
So So before we get to the meat of today's topic, I want to challenge you for the next 30 minutes or so to release your grip around judgment, around defending yourself, even in your mind, and acknowledge your default setting of pulling things in that make us feel better or pushing things away that we really don't like.
And if you're already noticing yourself thinking, this may not be the episode for me, I want to invite you to acknowledge that that certainly is a thought and check that out because I'm sure here comes another thought and another one and another one and a feeling and maybe an emotion. But here's a thought. If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches and what was it that cured ham actually had in the first place?
So see how quickly your mind can change to confusion, maybe laughter. It's just a process. So it can be an empowering one to learn to observe our thought patterns because they come and go so quickly. And isn't that fascinating? Okay, so give me just a few more minutes because I haven't even played the theme music. And I promise I'm not going to rickroll you with it. Although now that that thought is in my mind, but I really want you to be able
to relax a little bit here as you're listening to what I'm about to say next. Go a little zen. I wanna share some things that I heard literally in a meditation today. So check that out. Did you make a quick judgment with the observation that I talked about meditation? Like is this guy honestly kinda out there a little bit? Is he sitting on a mat? I know he says he's bald, but I picture him with a ponytail and tall, thin, with a chiseled jaw.
Okay, the last few were me picturing myself that way in a perfect world. But I am bald, not tall, and I really can't even sit with my legs crossed for long, but stay with me. But I'd like you to envision now that you are laying among tall grass, honestly, really, and you're gazing up toward the clear sky above. And as you're watching the sky, you see a transition from a sky without a single cloud, and then eventually clouds do begin to slowly fill up the sky.
And then dark gray rain clouds come and the atmosphere starts to feel moody, darker, and then it starts to rain and thunder and lightning and you you get drenched, you get wet. But eventually those clouds just continue to move through the sky, they pass away until there is not a cloud left in the sky and you begin to notice that you're feeling dry. What I'd love to challenge is for you to try to do the same thing with your thoughts.
Because often we'll start somewhat clear in our mind, not really thinking of much, and then thoughts come. And I want you to recognize as thoughts do come, don't try to manipulate them or suppress them, no identifying of them or judging them with whatever arises. And when those thoughts or feelings or emotions do arise, recognize that this thought or this feeling or this emotion, it's not you. I want to encourage you not to identify with the emotion.
Simply give it space to be and then in time watch it pass away, colored by another thought or another feeling or another emotion and then another and then another. And it's true we may have preferences for certain thoughts and feelings and emotions in a similar way that we may have preferences for the weather. But it's also important to notice that even the weather that we may not love has purpose.
If rain is not your favorite, but it's everything that we crave during a drought, then its purpose is beyond necessary and needed and valid. So in a similar way, so are our emotions. We need to be able to feel and process anger and frustration in order to release them. And in order to be healthy in the of the emotions.
Because in order to appreciate joy and happiness in the moments when they are there, when they are present, then we need to also recognize that the feelings of sadness or anger or frustration are just as real.
And ironically, when we allow ourselves to feel those and notice those feelings and those thoughts and those emotions, and not just try to immediately shove them away, then what we're starting to teach ourselves is we sit with any of the emotions that come into our brain, and then we can connect with those emotions and we'll be more in tune with what it feels like to be us.
So when those moments of happiness or joy come, imagine this world where you aren't only thinking about when is this going to end, but this just is, I am here, I am experiencing this. And that is just such an empowering feeling and moment. Because then I can learn to be even more grateful when I experience joy.
I can be more in the moment when I experience happiness. Know that all of your thoughts, all of your emotions, all of your experiences are truly here for a reason, and they can actually be for your good. Now, it's true, they soon will pass, just like the rain clouds did. And all of the thoughts and the feelings of emotions will eventually move through you, even the ones that we want more of, the ones that we welcome. So with that understanding, then when they do come, embrace them. Welcome them.
Being genuine, being real. Slowly but surely over time, I promise what it feels like to be you when you learn to be so much more present in the here and now, because you are able to be in touch with yourself. You are able to recognize and feel and see all the emotions that you had to stuff away when you were a kid and you maybe even have to now. Don't worry about it champ. It's not a big deal. That's not what they meant. You need to get over it.
Well, you're an adult now. Now you are allowed to feel it, and you're allowed to think it, and you're allowed to be it. Because what our emotions and our thoughts and our feelings start to become, they're our personal instructors and they help us understand ourselves better, helping us take in the good within ourselves with more intention. And you become skilled and patient with all of your emotions,
allowing them to move through you without becoming you. you may notice that you're getting angry, but you are not angry. You're, I'm Tony, how you doing? I am noticing that I am feeling worried, or I'm noticing that I'm feeling anxious, but I'm still Tony. Okay, so get ready, because assuming that you're not on a treadmill or not driving, you might be in a little bit more of a zen -like space. So that theme music, we're gonna bring it on here in just a second.
Might sound a little loud, But then after that, we're going to get to today's topic and it's a good one. And it's about parenting. Yes. But it's more about how you get to a point to step outside of your comfort zone. The concept of parenting will address that, but it might even be more of a muse today. There's a Terence McKenna quote. I love it. He says, nature loves courage. You make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles.
Dream the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under. It will lift you up. This is the trick. This is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted who really he says touched the Alchemical gold this is what they understood.
This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. This is how magic is done It's by hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering that it's a feather bed, and that's one of those things where I wish now that when I get a new client in and and they want to know what could help them the most.
If I could just give them a brief experience, I don't know, through a multivitamin, a pill, a shot, or something that would allow them to know what it can feel like to just be, to be accepting, to have gotten rid of the shame, to know that you are enough as you are, to know that you are a human being, not a human doing for others, to know that it's okay to have all of your own thoughts and feelings and emotions, then it can feel pretty incredible.
Yeah, it still might feel a little scary to hurl yourself into an abyss, but man, that feather bed feels really good. Okay, let's cue the music. Music. Hey, everybody. Welcome to episode 402 of the virtual couch. I am your host, Tony Overbay. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. And let me just suggest or ask you to sign up for the newsletter. My updated lower priced magnetic marriage course is coming out the first week of December and I am giddy.
I am so excited. Seriously, if you are in a relationship, if you've been in one, if you want yours to be better, if it's for both of you, if it's for one of you, both of you ideally, but simply one of you because you don't know exactly what a healthy relationship looks like, this is it. And you are gonna hear more if you're on my mailing list or if you're watching reels on Instagram or videos on TikTok. I'm gonna be going big for the next few weeks, especially with some parts of the course.
But okay, today's episode, as you heard in the opening, most likely has something to do about parenting adult children in the title. Because if not, the honest truth is I come up with the titles after I record. So it could be something completely different, but I want to let you know that this topic was one that I've been thinking about for quite a while and not, honestly, not in the context that eventually helped bring it to light.
As I shared in the opening, so much of our experiences in life, I think I could actually make the argument that all of them start from us viewing things through the lens of our own life experience. So you have to be pretty aware and intentional even to try and see someone else's point of view. And then, heaven forbid, if you feel attacked by somebody else's point of view. It's man your battle stations.
Because we not only have to defend our ego, but we also have to make sure that that person knows that what they are saying is wrong. Because even though I'm not them, I know that they are wrong. Can't be me, because I have a different opinion. And if their opinion doesn't line up with mine, then obviously they not only need to know that they are wrong, but they also need to know that I am right.
So my Muse truly is an email that came in this week about another podcast I'm on with my daughter Mackie. It's her podcast, The Mind, The Mirror, and Me. And I very much recommend that one, especially there's that one of the episodes that's done really well over a lot of the others is one about solitude. So I highly recommend if you just want to go start, of course, you can start at the beginning, but I would recommend starting there. But here's a plug.
I'm going to read you this email and Mackey and I ended up going deep on this email in particular on her podcast that will air probably a day or two after this episode of the virtual couch airs. But we took a look at different aspects of where this person might be coming from to get to the place where they would hear an episode of a podcast between a father and daughter, and then take the time to reach out. And I say that honestly, with a lot of empathy and compassion.
So let me read you the email. And let me preface this by telling you that Mackie and I, and now me, Solo, have a tremendous, and I truly mean that, a tremendous amount of empathy, for the writer of the email. They're not a client, I don't know this person, so I'm not breaking confidentiality, and I absolutely feel for this person, and I'm grateful that they wrote, and I think you'll see why.
So here's what they said. They said, I just started listening to you and Mackie talking together on The Mind, The Mirror, and Me, episode 12. You and Mackie were talking about how nice it is to be friends with your adult child. Then you said that the majority of the work to repair a parent -child relationship falls on the parent. It is the parent who needs to step outside of their ego and be willing to hear and understand things about their kids even if it makes them feel uncomfortable.
Quoting you, you can have love or control. I have two adult sons, ages 33 and 31, who have estranged themselves. I have not chosen between love and control, I do not control them, and they do not love me. I have spoken with three different therapists and my pastor, they do not agree with you. What I have read does not match your statement. My sons are always welcome to return, and I am always available to talk.
I am asking that you do a research -based episode on this topic based on issues related to this general age group. So, this isn't necessarily that I am wanting to defend myself, because I feel very confident from a place of healthy ego of the information I shared, because quite frankly, that is the relationship that I have with my adult children.
And I know that it has taken a tremendous amount of effort of mine, and I know my wife's done a tremendous job there too, to step outside of our ego to try to learn to hear and understand them as people, as individuals.
And even then it can be so difficult to say that, but I think you would do this better or I like when I can see you do this or I've always pictured that you're doing this or it would be better for you to do it this way, which is pretty interesting because there's a lot of me in those sentences. I can absolutely understand though why what I'm saying could be a challenge to hear and I thought this was a great topic to bring up too.
I've brought it up with several of my clients as well as my men's group and there have been some amazing discussions there too. And so I did spend some time coming up with an outline and I want to own that typically I just enjoy speaking my thoughts, but I really wanted to try and express where I'm coming from as best as I could with this topic. So I did write a lot of this out and I'm sure I'll go off on some tangents and little jaunts as well.
So if you're watching or listening on YouTube, I think I will use my editing software to scripts new pretty wild AI feature that I think it's called eye contact that makes it look like I am looking directly at the camera, but that's even if I'm reading off of some notes that are not directly in front of the camera. So if you haven't already checked that out, please do, just go to the YouTube channel. Of course, I would love it if while you're there to hit subscribe or like or
what all the YouTube things are. But it is a really interesting thing. When I was using it the first couple of times, my podcast recording studio, I guess you could say, is over in a corner of my therapy office. And so I would show some people and say, does this look kind of creepy if you look up there? And I realized it's more of me thing that if you're just watching it looks like I'm just staring into the camera. It does have a little bit of eye movement.
But so I want to jump back in and first continue the analogy that I started in the introduction about the weather and our ability to observe. So just as we gently transition from that peaceful meadow that we were talking about in our minds, where emotions pass just like that weather pattern, like the clouds in the sky, the rain, let's carry that mindfulness into the heart of our relationships. And specifically then I do want to talk about the connection between parents and their adult children.
Because we're coming into this conversation and our past judgments and long -held expectations of what we thought our kids would do or say or who they would be or what parenting would be like, I think, really do cloud the relationship. Just like the unexpected rain clouds that can quickly darken a clear sky. So if you're a parent and you can intentionally try and step out of your ego and see where your child, and I think moving forward in this episode, please know that I will say kid or child.
I'm primarily talking about your adult children, but I really do believe that if you can embrace these principles with your younger children, then you'll have a better relationship with them now and especially into the future. So back to the metaphor, the storms in these relationships, they don't just clear up without effort, but we think that they do.
We so often think that if we just simply stop talking about things, I don't want to talk about this anymore, or you're really disappointing me to our kids, that then it will eventually get better. And I cannot stress this enough, here's another one to quote that I could see used against me, but the absence of bad in a relationship does not mean that it's good.
And if you believe that your relationship is just good or thriving even, but if you stop for a minute and you get really honest with yourself, can you answer a lot of questions about your kid or your spouse?
I want to challenge you a bit right now and say that you may not be aware of what you are not aware of, because there's a decent chance that if the person that you're in the relationship with, be it your spouse or your kid, that they may not feel like they can simply just talk about what they are thinking or feeling, because there might be a good chance that they're told they're wrong. And this goes back to that there isn't just a right and a wrong.
It's not on or off, black or white, that they have all of their own experiences, and we all do, and so our opinions matter and are valid. And too often as a therapist, especially one that works with couples, you find that there's far more control than you're even aware of. And especially if it's the person who doesn't think that there's control, because that typically means that they are the one that can say, I don't like that. I don't feel like talking about it right now. That's ridiculous.
Don't look at it that way. I always thought you would say this. Why don't you say it like that? Oftentimes, I look at that as if you feel like you are more task driven, or lesson giving. Or if you are curious by way of checkmark, meaning, how was your day? Pause 123. They answer fine. and then you get on to the task at hand. Okay, hey, did you get a chance to do your homework or can you take out the trash or are you behind in your classes right now?
Or were you able to talk to your brother about the family reunion? Or if you ask a question, how was your day? So you can get to how your day was. Well, the boy, that one sounds easy. I wish I had your day. Or another one, if you find yourself getting antsy while the person is sharing about any of their experiences.
And I think we've all probably had those situations where a parent, an adult parent, even a spouse, a friend, will ask a question and you are excited to tell them about what your experience is, and you can see their eyes start to move back and forth, and they get a little bit antsy, and you can tell, okay, they're ready to move on.
And I will be honest, there are certain people or situations where I will even just say, but I'm just saying words, and they'll say, okay, good, let me tell you about what's going on. If that's the case, then the relationship may be more one -sided than you think. So, all I'm asking you to do, especially as for now, to take in data, your data, not anybody else's.
And if your kid is out of the house and you don't check in on them often, if they are away at college, if they're married and you just think to yourself, well, they have a phone too. Or it's a two -way street, I just want to bring some awareness, bring some attention to the fact that you also can be the one to reach out and it doesn't have to be a, why don't you call me? Or why don't you I don't know any of those, but it could just be a thought about you today.
Or here's a funny meme. Or here's a joke. Or whatever that looks like. And then another thing to check on is that if you are asking things and then they respond and then you just don't do anything with that, then that can start to feel like almost a form of rejection from the kid or from the spouse in that situation.
And I know that sometimes people use things like if you have an iPhone that you can just respond with a thumbs up and they're people that use that almost passive -aggressively, but if you are looking at that from a more mature place, it really is a, hey, I see you, and I appreciate that. But I just want people to start by just gathering their own data. That's the place we often need to start. Is there any truth in what this what this podcast guy is saying?
I love it. Somebody was telling me a little while ago that their spouse doesn't want them to bring any of the things that I say on any of my podcasts into their relationship because I'm just trying to make money. And boy, if you knew the plight of the podcaster, this is one of those things where you're doing it, there's a tremendous amount of time in preparing a podcast, recording the podcast, especially when you're just starting out. There's costs for hosting the podcast, for data.
There's equipment costs. And even if you make it into the place where you are starting to make money with some advertisements or that sort of thing, if you're not a big, famous celebrity, it is not a break -even or make -money kind of venture. But it's something that you just feel you need to do, that you want to share information or provide entertainment.
Or for me, it really is, if you've watched the genesis of the podcast all the way up to now, some seven, eight years later, I feel like it's been my own personal journey as a therapist, learning all these different tools and techniques and then presenting those and people that I enjoy talking to, because I just hope that that's gonna change the world. That's all, right? There's a fantastic Instagram account called The Secure Relationship. And I highly recommend you follow it.
And I'll have a link to it in the show notes. But there's one post I think about often. It's called Responding to Your Partner's Reaches for Connection. And this could be viewed as, again, your partner, your child, and it just shows a guy, they're little cartoons, and the little guy is by a window and says, it looks like it might rain today. And the next picture shows a non -response to reach for connection, that's what they call it. The partner just looks at their phone and just says, mmm.
And I might add that in a lot of relationships, they won't even say anything. And the other panel shows the two of them looking out the window, and the formerly non -responsive partner now says, it sure does, look at those clouds. And I think what's fascinating, and perhaps a bit uncomfortable, is that even in the simplest of interactions, we are often unaware of the message that we're putting off.
And if right now, you are immediately reacting, even simply thinking, yeah, but that can be pretty exhausting to have to say, uh -huh, looks like rain every two or three minutes, then I would probably have to respond to that person all the time. And here's the interesting thing. If you make that judgment and then just move along based off of that information, you'll never have to find out what, in fact, could be, would it be exhausting.
But you'll also never know if you're simply hooking to the, then I'll have to respond to something every three minutes of the day story. So now, technically, you're in control of the relationship. You don't even have to try and meet their emotional bid. their bid for connection. You now feel that you, because of what that feels like to be you, is, I will, I don't want to put in that effort, but I still want them to be there for me and provide me with my emotional needs.
But then on the other hand, if you are aware that by them simply saying it looks like it might be rain today, and you've become apathetic and flat to that person, I mean, it really, it truly is a you issue. And you can own it. And you can just say, I'm sorry, I know I don't typically respond to a lot of the things that you say. Sometimes I'm not even aware. Sometimes I'm not sure what to say. What's that like for you?
Because I'm not sure what to say. And that is how you start to build safety and security and a connection in the relationship. I might add that by the time that you've been in a relationship for a long period of time, there's a good chance that person already holds back on saying a lot of things that are on their mind. So for better or worse, when they make those bids and they aren't met, you can feel a deep sense of rejection.
But if they say, hey, so when I say it looks like it might rain today, and you don't look up from your phone, be honest. Is that important to you? Or is that annoying for you? Because I feel like I come second to your phone. And then you can be honest. And if the person that was just asked that says, you know, truthfully, I don't see those things that you do as a question, but more of a statement.
And now at least we're getting somewhere. The person making the reach for connection can say that what it feels like to be them is that when they do reach for connection in that manner, It's them asking, I just don't really feel like you see me or acknowledge me very often. It feels like you're not there for me. Can I count on you? Do you love me? And if the person who is non -responsive says, that's ridiculous. You said something and I didn't respond.
Again, which partner is being unwilling to step out of their comfort zone to see if there's any truth in that statement or to self -examine and then talk about what they feel like they need to know to be seen. Or maybe they don't actually want to be seen or known by their partner because it's uncomfortable because they didn't see any part of that growing up.
And if I put my four pillars into play, and I will go big right now and again say that just a couple of weeks away from launching the updated magnetic marriage course and I promise it is so good. I'm going to say that with a healthy ego because people we just don't know what we don't know in our adult relationships about how to communicate how to be there. how to sit with discomfort, how to have conversations from low charge to high charge topics, but I digress.
Just go sign up in my newsletter right now and you'll find out more. And then come back and listen to the rest of this episode. And my four pillars in this situation, pre -pillar, it's new. Before pillar one, my pre -pillar is based off of Marshall Rosenberg's book, Nonviolent Communication. And it's the concept of observation and judgment. That when we observe something, we immediately make a judgment.
So in this scenario, the person reaching for a connection, let's call that person, we'll call them Pat. Pat says, looks like it might rain today, and the partner, we'll call them Chris. Chris says either nothing, or Chris doesn't look up from their phone, and they simply just grunt. Pat can make that observation and immediately judge that Chris doesn't care about them, plain and simple.
Be aware of that concept in order to get to my pillar one of assuming good intentions, or there's a reason why Chris didn't respond. Because if Pat has already made the judgment that you don't care, and then says, tell me more, and Chris doesn't start with anything other than, you know, I don't care. Well then, unfortunately, Pat can say, see, they're not even being honest with themselves.
So that concept of just being able to separate your observation from your judgment, I really do feel is so important to get to my pillar one of assuming good intentions or there's a reason why somebody does what they do. So in this case, it might be hard to assume good intentions of somebody not responding, but there's also, there might be a reason why that person isn't responding.
It could be a lot of things. It could be that they didn't hear Pat or they didn't know that there was an expectation to respond. Pillar two, then you can't tell the other person that what they're doing or saying or expecting or wondering is wrong, or you don't believe them, even if you don't, because the four pillars are there to keep the conversation going, to stay out of the proverbial conversational weeds so that you can learn more about your partner, about you, about the way you communicate.
So in this scenario then, that pillar three is whoever jumps into the framework first is going to then ask questions before making comments. So in this scenario, let's say that Pat is the one that said, looks like rain and Chris grunts. So Pat's going to say, okay, I'm aware that I'm making this observation that they are just on their phone and not looking up. And I'm aware that the judgment that typically comes with that is this person doesn't give a crap about me.
I don't think you have to click the explicit mark for that. And so then pillar two is that in this scenario, Pat needs to start recognizing that whatever is going to come next from Chris is they are not trying to hurt them and they can't tell them no and they can't say that's ridiculous because that is their opinion.
So pillar three, questions before comments, because you can see that in this scenario, Pat could say, okay, fine, I'm going to assume good intentions, or there's got to be a reason why that Chris communicates the way that they do. And whatever they say next, I'm not going to say that's ridiculous or they're wrong, even if I think it is, because that's a me thing.
Pillar three, if I just then said my comments before questions, and I just said, Hey, so this really hurts my feelings, and I think that you don't care about me. Well, that could feel like an attack now to Chris. And so, and then they could shut down, or they could come up big, or go victim, or get angry, or try to control that conversation. But if that pillar three is questions before comments, Hey, well, tell me about that. Tell me more about when I express something like that.
Looks like rain. Take me on your train of thought. Help me understand what's going on for you there. Not in an attacking way, but I really want to know. And in that scenario then, the hope is that because this is a communication framework, then Chris could say, well, yeah, I don't think there's much for me to say. I mean, I felt like I was doing a nice job even just by going, hmm, grunting.
And then in that scenario, my pillar four is they need to stay present, they need to lean in, they need to stay engaged, neither can go into their proverbial bunker. I don't like the word victim, but in this scenario, it is taking on more of a victim stance. So if Chris in this scenario said, you know, but I'm sure I handled it wrong and you're right, and I'm just a horrible person, which a lot of people do,
they break my pillar four. Because in that scenario, if that's the way Chris shows up, then Pat's going to say no, it's okay. It's a meath. I probably shouldn't have even said it. It doesn't even really look like rain.
What did what did patches do the same thing breaking my pillar four and now they're going to be uncomfortable and then at that case without a proper framework they may even get angry they might withdraw they might spend some time giving each other the silent treatment eventually this discomfort is just uncomfortable and maybe they have to go do something they have other responsibilities one of them says okay i eventually want to have sex with this
other person so then And somebody pops their head out, says, hey, are we good? And the other person says, man, I would really like to stop feeling this way. So they're like, yeah, yeah, no, it's okay. So then they say, all right, we're good. That's that example of that the absence of bad does not equate to good. They missed out on an incredible opportunity to learn more about each other and themselves. So why am I spending this much time when we're talking parent -child dynamics?
Because again, if there's a conversation happening between the parent and the child, it's up for the parent to jump into my framework, to drive change and model emotional maturity in the relationship. I think that the adult in that situation needs to jump into the framework and start up with the four pillars. The parent needs to see their adult child not showing up, not having conversations and has to assume good intentions. That was not the goal. We'll talk about that here in a little bit.
We'll go all the way back to the research of John Bowlby himself of attachment. The child wants that relationship, wanted that relationship, but then when they feel like they just aren't doing it right or they're not enough or they're always getting it wrong, then over time, that starts to feel like not really a safe relationship. So if the parent in this situation gets to assume those good intentions and can't tell the kid whatever they're doing or saying or how they're showing up
is wrong, then they can jump into that pillar three and ask questions before comments. Tell me more. What's that like? How you doing? Tell me about your job. And then the parent doesn't say well I think you should do this or this or they don't shut down and say I'm just a crummy bad parent then, So those four pillars can just become an incredible tool to use to even start to Change your interior landscape of your mind if you really do want that relationship with your kids.
So we'll go back to the garden metaphor a little bit I think here's where I left off the storms in your relationship. Don't just clear up without effort. Again, you can't just stop trying and think things are going to get better. You can't completely repair the relationship simply by listening to a podcast or looking at Instagram.
You have to do the work. You have to go to therapy, take courses, a class, self -confront, learn to step outside of yourself, because if you continue to surround yourself with thoughts that you're right, they don't get it, I don't want to do that. And it's easier not to do something. The kids are too much. What about me? Et cetera, et cetera.
Then you are going to also need to accept that your children most likely will reach a time where they will not be willing or able to put in the effort to try and keep the relationship going. And at some point, they might be the ones that are in charge of your medications or might have to clean up the mess if you're wearing an adult diaper.
So if you feel like, hey, well, they have a phone too, then I would venture to say that there have been some long periods where there wasn't a lot of curiosity in the relationship. So that person, the child, they had to figure out a way to get their own validation, meet their own needs, and I promise you, without judgment, that wasn't what they had hoped for throughout their life. They might not even be necessarily aware of that.
So I said John Bowlby, but let me actually tell you about Harry Harlow. Harry Harlow was an American psychologist who was widely known for his work with maternal separation, dependency needs, and social isolation experiments, typically on monkeys. But Harlow's experiments in the 50s with these baby monkeys provided groundbreaking insights into the nature of attachment. Because in these studies, these baby monkeys were separated from their mothers
and given two surrogate mothers. one made of wire and equipped with a feeding bottle, and the other made of soft cloth, but without food. And the studies revealed over and over that the baby monkeys preferred the cloth surrogate clinging to it for comfort, especially when frightened, despite the wire surrogate providing the essential nourishment.
What we learned there was comfort over basic needs, that the monkeys preferred the comfort and security provided by the soft cloth surrogate mother, and I always thought that the cloth also smelled like the mom. But over the basic need for food from the wire mother. And this demonstrated a fundamental psychological need for warmth, comfort, and security, and attachment beyond just the physical needs.
And from long -term effects, a study also showed that deprivation of a nurturing figure had long -term impacts on the monkey's development. It affected their ability to socialize and form relationships into adulthood. And I remember doing a podcast on this at one point and having one of my clients, I think I said in it that the monkeys actually started wearing leather jackets and smoking cigarettes and playing dice and doing all kinds of nefarious things.
And the person said, really? I was like, no, just kidding. But they were pretty depressed and they would, they were isolated. And then, relating this to humans, human children and parental connection, the essence of Harlow's findings, I think, can be extrapolated to human behavior, particularly in the context of the child -parent relationship, because children, much like these baby monkeys, are wired to seek connection and comfort from their parents.
And this need for emotional security and attachment, it's profound and it's deep and it often supersedes other needs. So when a parent is physically present, but emotionally unavailable, and this is where I want to say, I say, give yourself grace to the parent if you didn't know what you didn't know, you were, you grew up the way you did. And so you probably or maybe didn't have the tools that you needed.
And it takes a lot of work to go find the tools and to sit with the discomfort and to practice and to deal with your own rejection and abandonment. Because we always hope that we'll have these little kids and they'll be adorable and they will never do anything wrong and they'll love us and and everything will be perfect and great, but it becomes an opportunity for growth. Boy does it with your kids.
And I'm saying that in a good way because I can either continue to take a victim stance and say why don't they ever reach out or I can say, okay, I need to be more curious and understand. So it can create a sense of insecurity and attachment and anxiety in kids. They may still gravitate toward the parent because they're going to seek that innate comfort and connection. And then even when the parent isn't fully responsive, they're still going to try to show up.
But this longing for attachment, it's a powerful drive and it is so deeply embedded in our psychological makeup that it's just important for parents to recognize that this is an inherent need in their children. So understanding that a child's behavior, especially their attempts to connect or their responses to perceived emotional absence, is often rooted in this fundamental desire for a secure and comforting attachment.
And the kid is still the kid. They are still less in age than you are as an adult. And so they are still – they may have a completely immature way of trying to get those needs met. they may have tried at times and seen that their parent is unavailable.
But this knowledge, I think, can be transformative for parents who are wanting to work to repair strained relationships with their adult children because it highlights the importance of being emotionally present and available, of providing not just the physical necessities, but also the emotional support and security that children seek from a very young age and often continue to seek into adulthood.
And I work with a lot of people that then say, okay, I do, I feel like I can provide the the physical, the financial, and is that enough? And from an acceptance standpoint, that's a great place to start. It really is, because that is still maintaining a connection. And so, that can often be a lifeline, but can also then be an opportunity to then also still try to lean into that discomfort of trying to be emotionally present.
So, one more thing about Harlow, that study, it underscores the critical role of emotional nurturing in the healthy development of children, but then also this lasting impact of these attachment experiences.
So, it reinforces the idea that kids naturally seek connection with their parents, even in challenging circumstances, even in times of abuse, because there are a lot of studies and research in the field of developmental psychology and in child psychology that have indicated that even children who experience abuse often continue to seek attachment with their parental figures.
And this phenomenon, it's rooted in these same basic psychological needs of children for safety and security and attachment, which are often sought from their primary caregivers again, regardless of the nature of the care provided. And some of those examples are the concepts of traumatic bonding, the trauma bond, and this is that concept of intermittent reinforcement.
I did an episode of this on my Waking Up to Narcissism podcast, where one of the key concepts of explaining this behavior of trauma bonding, or often also viewed as Stockholm Syndrome, but it refers to the development of a strong emotional ties between two people where one person intermittently provides both abuse, threatens, maybe harasses, intimidates the other, but then they also provide the reward.
And often, I think if we're just being pretty real, that by nature, children almost have this trauma bond with their parent because their parent is both the punisher and the rewarder, that they provide the sustenance for life itself and then they also take away their phone. So then despite this adverse treatment, then over time, the victim develops both positive feelings toward the abuser in this case, and maybe even start to defend their actions.
I mean, that's the dramatic version, the Stockholm Syndrome version, but that traumatic bond, I think, is part of a parent -child relationship until the, hopefully, parent can start to recognize the need for more emotional consistency. Because that's that concept where I talk about learning early on in my own relationships with my kids or in my marriage where I may come in and be super excited and happy and everything's great.
But then I might have had a bad day and I'm down and shut down and I need everybody to back off. I can provide the stability and safety and the excitement and then I can also be the one that people are trying to walk on eggshells around and that's just not fair for the kids. There's a lot of studies around attachment theory and disorganized attachment that research based on attachment theory.
This is where it was initially developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, and that also provides a lot of insight here. They identify disorganized attachment as a pattern seen in some children who experience emotional abuse or physical abuse. And these kids often, they have this confusing mix of behavior, often showing signs of wanting to be close to a caregiver, but also showing fear or resistance.
And this is where I think that sometimes that just emotional unavailability of a parent, and that's where I can say back to the parent not knowing what they don't know, not even necessarily doing it from a place of awareness. But then that child's instinct to seek comfort and security from the caregiver, then it becomes conflicted due to the caregiver being the source of the fear or harm.
And there's these longitudinal studies that have followed children through to adulthood finding that those who experienced abuse often still maintain a desire for approval and love and connection from even the abusive parent, but yet they're unable to get that need met. And then that can start to cause symptoms of depression or extreme anxiety.
But these studies suggest that the innate need for a parental attachment can persist despite negative experiences and why there's often a belief that deep within the psyche of the child, even into adulthood, is this desire to still hear those words, hey, I love you.
And then just clinical observations, I think any clinician working, especially in child psychology and child psychiatry, have observed that children often retain emotional attachment to parents, regardless of what kind of treatment was there. And they note that children might rationalize or minimize the abuse or whatever that experience was growing up to, in essence, maintain hope for a loving relationship.
And then there's just empirical research, empirical data from developmental psychology and shows that children still have this innate drive to form attachment bonds because they are crucial for their survival. And then they go throughout the rest of their life in essence feeling this fear of a lack of attachment. And then that attachment drive supersedes the quality of care received and that can lead to situations where children will remain seeking attachment.
But then if they feel like there's a rejection there then what it happens is it's manifested again in their own unhealthy relationships. And again, it's important to note that these studies, these tendencies don't mean that the situation is this is an all or nothing or this is always the case, but it just highlights that there's a lot of complexity and a lot of times these ways seem counterintuitive the way that human psychology responds to these early life experiences.
Here's where I want to check in and say that I am in no way saying that in the case of the person reaching out that this is purely their problem or that it's their fault, that I'm not assigning fault or blame, but really stating that this is in fact the evidence to show that there's a deep desire for connection from a child.
And that sometimes even when the parent means well and they push their children hard and even when their children succeed and we could define even what success is, that that doesn't mean that there will be a relationship between the child and the parent in adulthood.
So I wonder if then when somebody sees another parent -child relationship, take my daughter Mackie and I on the podcast, or I think one of the funniest scenes ever that I've ever done in podcasting, which sounds so off now when I say it's in the Murder on the Couch, the Danello Cavalcante episode. But just trust me, if you go to that episode of Murder on the Couch, go to minute nine and a half and watch the next two minutes, two and a half minutes.
I think it's one of the funniest things I've ever experienced. But also my daughter Sydney and I, we had a funny exchange, but I received emails and comments about that as well, that she must feel safe to say some of the things that she did and for us to have the exchange that we did.
So here comes the observation and judgment of others that we must have just got lucky or whatever that might be, or it's because I'm a therapist, but it can't mean that somebody else could have a similar relationship with their adult kid.
But I'm literally seeing two clients right now, one I was already working with and the other who I had seen a long time ago, but both who after seeing some of these interactions between my daughters and I have said they would like to work on that, a better relationship with their adult children.
And if some of you just observed that statement and judged, okay, egomaniac, get the Waking Up to Narcissism podcast now, then see if you can separate that observation from the judgment so that you can take a look inside and self -confront and possibly even start to grow that relationship if that is something that you want to grow.
Okay, I think we need to just maybe skip the remainder of the garden metaphor but okay well I mean what I've been saying the last few minutes I think was more in the moment so here we're back to the things I wrote out we'll see now I think you'll be able to tell that they were written out but but I do think that even as I wax somewhat poetic there was something to possibly take away so humor me here we go so your children require
the nurturing son of patience boy you can tell that now right so your children require the nurturing son of patience and the gentle wind of understanding to blow away the remnants of a downpour parents in particular hold a unique position of power They're like the climate in which these family relationships have grown. And just like the climate can influence the weather, parents can greatly influence the healing and growing process of their relationship with their adult children.
And so we did just talk about giving space to our emotions without becoming them. So on a similar note, a parent can learn to give space to their adult children and acknowledge their autonomy while still being supportive and in a stabilizing presence. As parents, letting go of judgments and the desire to control, or I think this is one of the keys to hastily fix things is crucial. Because like our own emotions, our children have their own and their own purpose and their own paths to follow.
So they need the room to express themselves and be asked, tell me more. To experience life storms and sunny days with us as their witnesses. They're beside them, not their directors or not the ones that are saying this is what you have to do. So then, as we've seen, change in the sky, in our emotions, and in our children is constant. And it's not about the speed at which we repair or build the relationships, because that's gonna differ.
Your mileage may vary, but it's about the quality and the intention we bring to them day by day, moment by moment. Our patience then, it becomes basically the soil where trust can start to take hold after being shaken by life storms or by the situations that we've been in. And we're not just repairing, we're starting to nurture growth, which in turn encourages resilience.
And we're even gonna be able to model to our kids that I may not have got it right, or I may have just been trying and doing, but I can still try and do and repair. And that just respects both the parent and the child, especially the adult child as individuals, each with their own complex emotional landscapes.
I really want people to embrace this whole process with the same mindfulness that we apply to watching our thoughts, a non -judgmental stance, and a recognition that this moment, right now, is an opportunity and a commitment to be present and compassionate. Because in doing so, we start to become the person that our adult children will eventually be able to turn to when and if they are ready to reestablish that connection, knowing that it's a relationship worth waiting for.
Like the clear sky after a storm, ready to be appreciated in its full splendor once again. I kind of go back to what we talked about in the beginning, that knowing.
What the relationship felt like and if it did not feel like there was a connection or you feel hurt now to know that because now that I know this feeling that that means that there is another type of feeling that I could feel that could be just the love of our adult children and the connection can just be something that we've never experienced before. Now here, I did find a metaphor that was not exactly about the topic we're talking about today, but I took it and I edited it and I ran with it.
So I'll go through this one. Imagine a garden where a young tree is planted. Like a child, this tree relies heavily on the gardener, the parent, for care, water, sunlight, protection from harsh elements, and to support it as it grows. So the gardener's consistent attention, I love the word consistency here, and nurturing allow the tree to flourish, developing deep roots and strong branches.
So let's think about attachment theory, which suggests that children, again, are biologically programmed to form connections with their caregivers. These early bonds aren't just for physical survival, but in emotional security as well. So just as a tree naturally leans toward the sun, children do instinctively see closeness and comfort from their parents. And it's a bond that is etched deeply within. And it's in this foundational blueprint of their sense of safety in the world.
So, even at times when care has been less than ideal, even when there have been seasons of neglect or scars of harsh treatment, the tree can still bear those marks, but it still stands strong and it still reaches out with whatever branches it has left looking for the sunlight, for nutrients, for the gardener's return. So that resilience is continually mirrored in the hearts of kids, even as they grow into adults.
There's just that enduring hope, sometimes conscious, sometimes buried deep within, that the parent will return to the garden, will begin to tend to the wounds, will offer the care that they were missing. The child, even in adult form, may still harbor that fundamental yearning for connection. But then that critical truth, the responsibility of healing the garden, rests with the gardener.
The tree, or the child, is not responsible for initiating the repair of or neglect it endured when it was most vulnerable, when it was like a little sapling. So if you did just feel judgment in that statement, it's not intended, because I think it's safe to say that as a child, we really didn't know what we didn't know either.
We weren't supposed to be the ones trying to manage our parents' emotions or trying to read the room to see if mom and dad were mad and if it was a good time to ask for help. It's the gardener, the parent who must pick up the tools, the tools of apology, acknowledgement, patience, and a consistent effort and begin the painstaking work of mending what's been broken.
Now, when the parent steps back into the garden with a genuine intention to heal, they are reaching out to those primal attachment needs, and they're offering a chance for the roots to strengthen and to grow new, healthier branches, and they will emerge.
Now, it doesn't erase the past, and that's okay, but it can start a new chapter, one where growth is possible, where the relationship can find a new form, and the relationship can be new and adapt and survive and perhaps even thrive in ways that it never has before. So the child's internal drive to connect, to find that parental bond is still so strong. And it's, it's basically, it's a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and it speaks to the potential.
And I think that's so key, the potential that remains no matter how grown the child or how weathered the tree. And if the parent can approach with humility, willing to understand and nurture the possibility for a renewed relationship is always there. I believe waiting kind of like the tree for care and connection. Okay, and what does this even look like in real life? You know, I was talking to a friend as I was putting this episode together, and I love what she had to say.
She was agreeing, saying that it can be as simple as saying, I see you, to your adult kid, meaning, happy birthday, or hey, I drove by the park where, or near our old house, and I remembered fun times there, and I hope you're having a great day. And what is that exchange missing? It's the, and hey, you could call me too, or the guilt trip, or the shame, or you know, this is a two -sided street, or I guess not a two -sided, this is a two -way street, or you're not calling me either.
And you can take interest in what they're doing and that can be enough for now. You know, hey, I've never asked you about your job. Honestly, tell me about it. But then if you do put that out there and you notice that you want to tell them, yeah, I don't really understand it and I don't even know why you do it. But I, and I love that she was talking with another friend and that they broke this all down all the way to the, you know what, I'm just glad you're here.
I'm glad you're alive and breathing. Because truthfully, she was talking about being a fan of true crime. So, she also shared a story about recently going to a kid's activity just for the simple reason that she wanted to see her kid perform and it wasn't about comparing her kid or critiquing her kid. It was simply to be because she was so grateful that her kid was her kid and that her kid was doing something that she enjoyed.
And she didn't need praise or validation and all these things, these suggestions, these are things that you can do. They don't require the other person to interact. It's always nice if they do, but that's not necessary because at that point, I feel like we're back to making things transactional.
And I could tell so many stories about this over the years and I'll change a lot of this next, the details of this next one just because I'm a therapist, but there was someone that I was working with for quite a while and they would attend everything that their child was going to and I believe it was a real case of parental alienation by the mom in this scenario. And I was working with the dad and the dad would just continue to hang in there
and go and be and just show up and be a presence. And over time, it really did make a difference. But in the journey, I think of repairing the bond, then again, between a parent and an adult child, there, I think it's safe to say, there will be rough patches and there will be moments of profound discouragement. There are going to be times where the adult child may seem distant or uninterested in mending the relationship.
And I will acknowledge this, I can't imagine. It would be incredibly challenging for a parent who's come to realize maybe the things they didn't know that they didn't know that have impacted the relationship now, things that happened in the past. And if the parent is now eager to make amends, that can be difficult. But I think it's essential to recognize that an adult's child's reluctance or refusal to engage, it's not a simple, on -the -spot, one -time decision.
Sometimes it's a protective response or one that's probably been years in the making. And it may be rooted in a deep -seated need to safeguard their own well -being. Because I think we've all been in those positions where you put yourself out there and you're met with rejection. And over time, that can be really difficult. You know, this becomes almost this mechanism that was necessary for their own emotional survival.
So if you're that parent reaching out, remember that your child's unresponsiveness does not reflect a failure in your current efforts. And I think that's so key, because you are doing the best you can right now. Like we've said earlier in this podcast, ruminating about what happened in the past isn't very helpful or productive, and then worrying about what happens in the future while it's normal, isn't going to get you very far.
So their unresponsiveness doesn't reflect the failure in your current efforts, but it may rather be more of a testament to the depth of the past hurts that they're experiencing. I want to stress this reality isn't a signal for the parent to then say, well, there goes all my responsibility. I'm done. I tried because I really think it's the opposite. We'll go back to this analogy, just as a gardener doesn't stop watering a plant because it hasn't yet borne flowers.
I think the parent's role in reaching out must be consistent and patient, consistency and patience undeterred by immediate results. And that is a sign of emotional maturity of sitting with that discomfort and continuing to do a value -based thing that you feel is the right thing. Now, you may feel it is the wrong thing and then I'm not trying to talk you into trying to repair a relationship if you truly feel like it is, I've done everything I can do.
If you have, then I give you a tremendous amount of empathy because that would be hard, it really would. So this perseverance isn't rooted in expectation again, but in a deep sense of commitment to doing what is right, assuming that you believe that it truly is right. And it's not about waiting for the adult child to make the first move because that would be repeating a pattern of placing the burden on the child's shoulders, expecting them to seek the validation that they once were denied.
So approaching this path from a stance of acceptance, and this is one of my favorite things about acceptance and commitment therapy, it doesn't mean condoning or what has happened or abandoning the hope of reconciliation. Acceptance does not mean apathy. Acceptance is about embracing the full reality of the situation, the hurt, the loss, the longing for connection without defense or without denial. That it means Acceptance means acknowledging the past without being caught up
by it. It's recognizing that you cannot change what has occurred. You just can't. But you can change the course of the future through your actions and responses in the very present moment. And it's understanding that the journey of repair, it most likely will be a solitary one for a little while, but it's worth embarking on regardless of the outcome because I would hate for people to live in that world of regret.
What an opportunity to grow. Oh, that journey is about nurturing a space of empathy and compassion, patience, and unwavering commitment. It's not about judgments or expectations. It's about an open heart and the willingness to understand. And it's committing to a process that may never be acknowledged by the adult child. But look at what you're modeling that person, to never give up.
And that becomes pretty vital. And it's a parent holding space for their child's pain and their healing, choosing to be a source of stability and love, even if from a distance. So, the true essence of a relationship's healing, I think, and I've said it now in a lot of different ways, I truly believe begins with the parent, grounded in real empathy, not as a strategy or a checkbox, but as a genuine expression of understanding and love and a consistent, dependable presence.
A lack of patience, I think, in parents, I think that can sometimes signal an area of maybe their own emotional immaturity. This is not about casting blame or pointing fingers, because I go back to the fact that we are all on our own journey, and until we learn something, we didn't know it. And often parents want to see immediate results because sitting with discomfort feels intolerable. And I am not saying that you have to do that, but man, it is an area of growth.
Because it's human nature to look for resolution, to find a way out of the pain, especially of something like an estrangement, as quick and fast as you can. But the complex emotions and defenses an adult child has built up over the years aren't walls that can be demolished in one shot. Because there's those layers upon layers of experience that need careful and patient tending. And if, I think I often see somebody that will have the impulse to say,
hey, I tried. After an initial effort, maybe even a week or two, I call that the shelf life. But if they aren't met with the response that they hoped for, then they often want to say, I'm done. And that too is protective reflex. You know, this emotional safeguard against the vulnerability that comes with waiting and hoping for something that may not happen on our timeline, if at all.
But this is exactly where growth occurs. It's one of those concepts, I think, when you talk about a religion where we talk about often faith, where it's the belief in things that we can't see, but we sure hope for them. And in that context, we often talk about what a what an opportunity for growth.
So when a parent can step beyond the immediacy of their own discomfort and commit to the long haul, recognizing that the rift didn't appear overnight and won't heal overnight either, that, in my opinion, embodies a deeper level of maturity. I talk about often Rick Hansen from the book, The Buddha Brain, talks about your implicit memory or what it feels like to be you. And it's based off of the slow residue of lived experience.
So I think it's pretty crucial to acknowledge that repairing a fractured relationship is most likely also about the slow residue of lived experience. Because every small, probably even unnoticed act of love is like a deposit in picture this long overdrawn bank account. Because over time, these acts do start to accumulate, and they create a new history that can begin to counterbalance the old.
And I think it's so important when you think about that concept of implicit memory, that it starts with you. It's in essence like you know how big your bank balance is, your emotional bank balance is. We still want to sometimes go around and say, hey, here's my bank balance. Check this out. But that is not going to have caused somebody just to say, okay, well, I will get over all of my past relationship trauma. So let's go back to acceptance. It doesn't mean apathy.
It is not about passive resignation, but it is about actively embracing the present moment with their actions. It's about committing to the process of repairing the relationship. And here's the key, without being attached to the outcome. And by that, I mean I have to accept the fact that they may not reciprocate because then again, I'm doing it conditionally. I need to start doing it because it's the right thing to do. Let me just make a pitch here as well.
Our adorable brains, they're hardwired to navigate looking for certainty. So again, we ruminate about the past as if I can just figure out where I went wrong or where they went wrong and I can convince them. Then everything will be fine, versus just accepting that I didn't know or that happened. The past is like a chapter in a closed book. I mean, it can hold some lessons and memories, but not a very good place to live.
The future, as unpredictable as the weather, is definitely a fun or maybe not so fun playground for our imagination, but also not a foundation to build upon. It is the present, the very moment we live and breathe in, that offers the ground upon on which we can stand and act and do and learn and mess up and eat churros and try again. And if you haven't seen the Costco churro bites, that's a whole other story.
When we anchor ourselves in the now, and we start to understand that our power lies in our present actions and decisions and mindsets, then the future, yeah, it's unknown, but it's shaped by the richness of our present engagement with life.
And in this very moment, you need to be able to pause and respond, grab a churro bite, not react, and not try to get rid of our discomfort with withdrawal, or with control, or with gaslighting, or any of those things, which can show up in the forms of anger or withholding, shifting from ruminating on what was or fearing what might be to engaging with what is, that puts us in a much more mindful and productive state of being.
And then we start to build a future that reflects our growth and learning from past experiences, rather than just repeating things over and over. And how often do we do that? And this is all a you thing. Life is a you thing. It's a me thing. It's a you thing. And that can be liberating because every thought, feeling, and action you have is influenced by a ton of variables.
That's where I love my good old favorite with ACT, your nature, nurture, birth order, DNA abandonment, rejection, hopes, fears, dreams, all those wonderful things. All those layers that compose the very unique being that is you. So that's you. It's important to know. And guess what? That means that everybody else too is everybody else.
So, you get an amazing opportunity to become the person who is emotionally consistent and safe and figuring themselves out and curious and then learns all about themselves throughout the process. What if you didn't start with curiosity instead of judgment? What if rather than asking, what's wrong with me or I can't believe that they said that or they aren't calling me or they didn't realize what this would do to me, if we ask, hey, what's my experience trying to tell me?
Is there anything I can learn? Would it be okay for me to reach out? And that shift alone in a perspective starts to honor your individual journey, validating that nobody else on the earth can truly understand what it's like to be you, but that also means that nobody on the earth can truly understand what it's like to be somebody else.
And if you just thought to yourself, no, Tony doesn't understand, I actually do know more about my husband or my wife than they do, or even my kid, you don't, you truly, utterly don't, because if you think that you do, that means that that person doesn't feel safe enough to express who they are to you, because you're going to tell them that they're wrong about themselves. What's your favorite color? Blue. Well, are you sure, champ?
You know, you wear a lot of green around the house, or I see you wearing a lot of green to me. That sounds harmless, but I really want you to think about it. It's a little bit ridiculous. How about, what's your favorite color? Blue. Oh, tell me more about that. Why do you think it's blue? And then they proceed to tell you, because you learned more about them, four pillars. You're going to assume good intentions, which is pretty easy if they're telling
you about their favorite color. You're not going to tell them wrong, even if you think that they are. You're going to say, tell me more about that, questions, four comments, and then you're going to stay present. And then if you feel safe, you can share that you so appreciate learning more about them, hearing them. Because what's crazy is after you say, oh man, I appreciate you sharing that that is your favorite color, that blue is your favorite color.
But then you say that makes so much sense. You've heard them, they feel heard and understood. The conversation is not in the weeds. That's where you get to say things like, you know, it's crazy. And now I so understand about blue. I thought your favorite color was green. But I can understand now that it's blue, which could actually start to lead to a more connected conversation. Now the person may feel safer to say things like, well, you guys keep buying
me green. and so I want to save my blue things for special occasions. Or, and now I can absolutely see why you'd think that, because I have a lot of green, but I also know that most of my green stuff still fits, and I'm trying to challenge myself to stick with my needs and not my wants. So when this green stuff wears out or I grow out of it, oh, it's all blue.
Or I know we're strapped a little bit for money, Dad. So yeah, I love blue things, but I see how hard you guys work, and I don't have a job. So my contribution is that I know I love blue, but I will keep wearing green. And if you think this is a silly example, I promise you that this is absolutely based on a very real client and story.
So by simply saying, I thought it was green without expressing curiosity, you may miss out on a tremendous opportunity to learn more about somebody that you care about or who absolutely cares about you and might even be not doing things because they feel like they're doing the right thing for you. So it empowers each person to explore their own story with compassion and without comparison. So let's call it a day today, but I appreciate you if you made it this long.
That alone says something about your desire to change. It really does, or to be better, or to show up better in your relationships, which means that you're doing it. You went from not knowing what you didn't know to knowing and maybe not doing so often, maybe even being a little bit offended during that step, and that can be a difficult place to be.
But the next step is you're now going to start doing things more than you don't that are things that you want to do, and then I promise you that you can become. You'll eventually just become this different person. I've been trying to do this a little better. Let me throw some takeaways or action steps on the what did we learn today segment. Here are some that I think would be helpful.
Reflect and acknowledge. Take time to self -reflect. Look back on the relationship that you would like to potentially repair, but look back on it without judgment. Acknowledge where somebody else is and try to understand. This is really stepping into their shoes, where they may have been, where there might be misunderstandings or hurts. And I know this can sound cheesy, but it really does work. Write a letter of acknowledgement to your child, even if you never send it.
Because to articulate your thoughts and feelings, it is a very therapeutic exercise for you as a parent to understand the past from both sides and to affirm your willingness to move forward. There is something so therapeutic about writing out your thoughts and feelings because it becomes this linear process where when we leave things in our minds, they're just going a million miles an hour. So it does really help to write things out.
And that does not mean you have to send it. I think another action step would be consistent outreach. So, make regular, non -invasive attempts to reach out to your kid or whoever you want to rebuild the relationship with, and that could be through sending cards on special occasions, a brief thoughtful text message, or an email that reaffirms your love or your availability to talk or a memory that you have. And the key here, honestly, is consistency without pressure.
Let every attempt be an open invitation for a dialogue, but not a demand for a response. And sometimes you will even tell yourself, and I love when I'm working with a client and I say, okay, all right, you can send that, but are you okay if you don't hear anything back? And somebody will say, absolutely. I just want to let them know that I'm thinking of them. But then when you do that and you don't hear back from somebody, it really is difficult and that's okay. That's part of the human process.
Then maybe the last one is cultivate self -compassion and patience. Practice self -compassion, self -compassion, compassion for yourself as you navigate this process. Understanding that healing might take time and prepare yourself for the long haul rather than a quick resolution because it's gonna be so much more worth it if it really does take time and effort.
So engage in activities that promote patience and emotional resilience, like mindfulness, meditation, journaling, speaking with a support group, going to therapy, because this step is about ensuring that you are emotionally equipped to handle the situation with grace, raising your emotional baseline, putting yourself in the best position you can be, because we're looking at this regardless of the immediate outcome.
So these steps, these action items are about planting seeds for reconciliation, And they might seem small, but they are significant gestures that over time, start to, in essence, build this bridge back to a loving relationship, even if the journey is one -sided for quite a while. So, thanks for taking the time today. I'd love to hear your questions, your thoughts. Feel free to send them to contact at tonyoverbay .com.
And I will see you next time. Oh, taking a sound per usual, the wonderful, the talented Aurora Florence with her song, It Is Wonderful, because life truly can be. Music.