Expectations and Emotions: A Ballet of Balance and Bliss

Hey, everybody. Welcome to episode 422 of the virtual couch. I'm your host, Tony. Overbay. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and go sign up for my newsletter. That's all I will ask today. But let's get to today's show.

So I was asked a question recently. And this is for one of the guys in my path back recovery group, which I honestly can't say enough about. So here's the plug. If you're tired of turning to, and we'll save a lot of different things for coping mechanisms, if you're tired of turning to. To pornography or food or your work or your phone or you name it? As an unhealthy coping mechanism, trying to just tune out from life. Then I highly encourage you to sign up now for my path back.

Pornography recovery group and here's the deal.

So I think that the word. Porn or pornography was used in last night's group call, maybe once, maybe twice, but the call in the call last night. We talked more about how shame has played such a role in how we show up in our relationships. And I've actually been asked recently on an interview is shame making it come back, is there anything good that can come of shame? Which a quick answer? No. But, eh, but we talked so much about then how we show up in relationships, because I think so often.

On both sides of the street. We're afraid to really express ourselves our true selves. Because the way that we learned to express ourselves was from a pretty emotionally immature or needy place, which leads to a tremendous lack of confidence.

When asking for anything, because I think one of the concepts that is so clearly misunderstood in marriage or in relationships in general, Is that we are going to be asked and ask our partners to do things that we are, they don't necessarily want to do. And that doesn't mean that you just have to do it, but what we're not addressing, I think is that if we're asking from a place of. Of control or manipulation or coercion or seeking validation.

Then we're not bringing our best selves into the relationship. And I think that's a lot of the stuff that we were modeled from our own parents, from our childhood. So we're showing up in these relationships and we are emotionally needy and clingy and we want somebody to both just adore us and respect us and also Be curious about us, but if we are not putting our best version of ourselves out there, Then we're being pretty emotionally inconsistent and that can be a lot to read for her partner.

So I was thinking about this and we kind of went off on this tangent last night. But here's what that looks like. I mean, if you're asking from a place of control for me, Manipulation, especially seeking validation. It's like, uh, Hey I really need you to give me more praise because that actually makes me feel better about myself, or I need more, more sex in the relationship because that makes me feel better.

But what we're not saying, or I guess I think what I'm hearing more from my therapist ears is it sounds more like this. Hey, I don't really feel very good about myself right now. Forget about the fact that I'm not sure why it might be my marriage. It might be my parenting. It might be my, my current faith journey or faith crisis, my health.

I'm probably not in the shape that I thought it would be or the job that actually don't enjoy or might even be because I don't have friends that I thought I would. Or you know, what's with all the nose and ear hair, but the lack of actual hair where I would actually prefer it. So yeah, I don't really feel so good right now.

So you, you, over there, the person that I sometimes say that you are the love of my life, And other times I shut you out and on occasion I explode, but then I say, sorry later. And then why are you still angry? And then what am I supposed to do about that? Because I said, I'm sorry, but anyway. Yeah. I've told you on occasion that I like to be told that I'm awesome. These, these words of affirmation.

And I would also really appreciate it if you would initiate physical intimacy with me, but I don't want you to do and a half bait. I want you to really mean it. Okay, so give it a shot right now, because again, I'm not feeling very good about myself. I'm not sure what will make me feel better, but it's up to you. Let me diffuse this, this anxiety, this frustration into the relationship because you're really good at taking responsibility for that. So, all right. Let's see. Go ahead and do that.

Nope. That's a, it has not doing it. That's not really making me feel that much better. So, okay. I know what I do next. So I, now I'm going to let you know that obviously you don't love me and I I'm a walking piece of garbage, so let's see. What is, uh, what comes next?

Oh, yeah. That what is on the menu today? When it comes to unhealthy coping mechanisms family will be gone in a bit. So pornography that's an easy one. And actually I would prefer if I'm going to do that, I actually need to go into that feeling like. I'm really justified. So let me see then if I can subconsciously cause a little bit more of a row, a little, little tussle here in the relationship. So by back to my wife. Uh, Hey, uh, you actually, haven't also told me how much you appreciate that.

The car that I bought you to drive in lately. And at this point again, marriage therapist viewing this kind of an interaction. Out in the wild, but especially my office, then the wife puzzle would kind of put on this. This vibe of I thought you said that was our car, or actually sometimes it's my car. And when we picked it out, you said, oh my gosh, dear, you can have anything that you want. I just want to make you happy.

And so I pick this car, which now I've heard a, it wasn't the best choice in the world. But actually, admittedly though, you did say later how, since I got the car that I wanted, then you could get the truck that you wanted. But I already know where this is going again. He says the wife, so, okay. How's this. Oh, my hero. You are the best at. Doing the working things and.

And taking care of the family and your let's see, you're also fierce and handsome and desirable, and I have never seen someone look so appealing. Uh, while still lounging around all day in those sustains sweat pants that are quite a bit too small now. Okay. How about that? To which the husband is in essence putting out this energy of no, no, that's not. It clearly you don't care about me and. You know, you know, how the rest of this goes. So how about you take the kids to the mall?

Maybe a passive aggressively or. Quite frankly, aggressively spend money that we don't currently have. Um, I will resent you. And then I will, I will look at naked people on a computer screen and tell myself that this is the last time. And what am I supposed to do when nobody cares about me. And actually later I've already thought when I feel bad, I'm either going to come confess to you. Or I think I'll go. Do a convention of the standard, our church, Bishop.

So one or Hey, when a both of you can tell me that that's okay. Maybe we could throw in a little bit of a, that I'm very brave for confessing, so then I can feel better. And I don't really have to do any more work cause I feel better. And you guys can carry the burden, but again, I, I feel better. Okay. End scene. Kind of don't remember where that, that one's started. Let me look back through my notes. Oh, yes.

My wage at ma no seriously though problems are gonna come up in our relationship and there are tools. And just the little humble brag here. I really, I can help, whether it's through a magnetic marriage, couple scores or the, this path back pornography recovery course. Which again is not about, Hey, let's talk about porn. It's more about these voids that people feel in their lives. They don't feel like they're connected in their marriage, their parenting, their health, their faith, their career.

And when we start to. And when we start to address those things, that's when the. The siren song of the unhealthy coping mechanism starts the lesson. And it really is about having a much more purpose filled meaningful life. And recognizing that, I just don't think that we were handed those tools early enough in life. Or the right tools. To know how to self-advocate and how to show up confident and how to know that, okay, I'm not perfect. I'm human.

And this is the very first time that I'm me in the situations in my life. And so if I can give myself a little more grace completely remove the shame, then I can actually make some progress. And it seems like that is not the right way to go. Because if it was people would embrace those tools more, but instead we're really good at beating ourselves up or diffusing our own anxiety or frustration or anger into the relationship and almost saying, okay, who will pick this up? My wife or fear.

Or is it the husband or is it the, are the kids, are they going to play the role of peacekeepers and emotional support animals? Because that's not really ideal either.

Yeah. So whether it's the port, the pornography, the path back pornography. So whether it's the path back pornography recovery course, or my men's brand new emotional architect group. Which again it is new. And reach out to me, right this very second. If you are a guy who is waking up to your own emotional immaturity, or want to become a more emotionally mature.

We'd love to hear more about emotional consistency and differentiation and managing our anxiety and staying present and all of those amazing, wonderful things. There are such good tools. If you are interested in that, send me some email [email protected]. Go through, go to the website and do that because that group is gonna be powerful. I spent a lot of time working on the content for that group. But there are tools.

And then if you just want to send me your questions, send me your couple scenarios. Send me your Yabut Stinney of the episodes that I've done. Because after taking this little break with my move to, uh, to Arizona. Some planning has actually occurred and some exciting things are on the horizon. And I'm still taking emails from people or individuals that are couples who might actually be looking for a little additional help. Yep. Some coaching virtual with me.

But give me some details in your email. So I'm getting to be an old man and I love what I do, and I know I can help, but the old man reference has to say that I'm not looking for someone or couples who were saying. He convinced me old, man. Why should I listen to you? But if you often find yourself picking up what I'm putting down, then you just saved us a bunch of rapport building sessions. So let's do this.

Okay. Here's where I was going today though, this question came from the path back group, and then I went on that tangent about the amazing group. And I will stand by that.

But the question today came from somebody in the path back group and they said, Hey, Tony, What can you tell me about expectations and emotions and how are they connected and how can managing one. Help in managing the other. This is where the group call.

And what we ended up doing was that evening in the group call, we ended up talking to more about, about the concepts of differentiation and the David Four points of balance and in particular talking about how to manage our reactivity, because that is one of the most difficult. Things because when we are feeling uncomfortable, Then we want to get rid of that discomfort. And a lot of times that is by being emotionally reactive, emotionally inconsistent.

So we talked about that that night, but I did a lot of research on this topic of emotions and expectations. So I thought that I would put this together in a podcast. So I want to start with a story and I was going to use alliteration for the names of the characters, but both of our characters that, Hey, they start with the letter E because we're talking about. Expectations and emotions. So I'm going to personify expectations and emotions, and they will simply be called expectations and emotions.

And those are two characters that that I will play out here in this narrative. But first, I just, I think it's such a good question because it's something that I, that really, it comes up a lot. Thinking about this connection between our expectations and our emotions. And I think that this can really help an aid in understanding and managing our emotional responses.

Let me just give a simplified explanation because at a real basic level expectations are what we think should happen in a given situation. I know, I often like to go to the, nobody likes to be showed on, but we're using maybe the more positive version of, of should maybe what the expectation is, what we anticipate will happen. Or we think that that would be the just thing that would happen in any given situation. And then emotions are more about our feelings about what is happening.

And when our expectations match, the, our reality, we usually feel okay or even pretty happy. And the emotions seem to just fall in line. But when there's a mismatch, when our, our version of reality falls short of our expectations. Which is kind of interesting. And this is why I also told the story or gave that long narrative today. Because this is what we are anticipating or expecting. These are our expectations about what should play out in any given situation.

And so then if our expectations are not met, Then here comes a flood of emotions. We can then feel, I mean, I guess when reality falls short of our expectations, we start to feel disappointed or frustrated or even angry. And if you've caught a little bit of a pattern lately, I love talking about. What I'll call my new best friend, which is the concepts around differentiation. And there are these four points of balance by David Schnarch. Oh, ADHD. How fun are you?

I pause the recording so I could go look up this handout. That I'm putting together with some concepts of differentiation . And I found a picture that I sent my wife. I was. Picking up lunch over the weekend. And I saw a guy wearing a shirt. And it had a Tyrannosaurus Rex on the front and it says let's eat kids period. And then it says underneath it let's eat comma kids, period. And it says punctuation saves lives. I don't think I've.

I've laughed that hard in a little while, which is, I don't know if that's dad humor, that's just good humor. But, uh, but it was just a, really, a really interesting concept of not a concept. It was really funny that made me laugh. But differentiation. And one of these key concepts of developing these four points of balance, and I would love to break these down in detail, but today I want to talk about. third.

Third point of balance, where he says grounded responding, which means managing your reactivity, neither overreacting and getting defensive. Or blaming or emotionally distancing yourself. Which is nagging emotional explosions, stonewalling or paralysis. And that grounded responding is such a key component. That I've talked about a little bit with I did an episode a while ago.

Talking about the concepts around things like what's often referred to as masculine and feminine energy or in Indian culture at Shiva and Shakti are yin and yang. So it's not about, it's not about male, female, but more about this presence and radiance. So I talked about holding the assertive frame, which formerly known as maybe holding the masculine frame.

And part of that is just being present, not feeling like you have to explain your love, but just being, just being, and doing and not going into a victim role and knowing that your spouse. Is most likely going to test the relationship at times for safety, especially when you have not been safe. So this grounded responding, I think is such a powerful component. Of becoming more emotionally consistent. And more emotionally mature.

So that's why I think it is so important to talk about this topic today of balancing or how your expectations fit in with your. Or how your emotional response comes from often your expectations. And how understanding how these two relate. Can help you stay more grounded and present, which can ultimately lead to curiosity. Safety emotional consistency. And that I promise you that if you're yeah.

Budding this right now, then this is one where I want to say, trust me a little bit of the concept of that. We don't know what we don't know. And so the unknown or the uncertain is scary and that's where the habits come from. And we're pretty much wired to alleviate discomfort. And I think that's what we start to see. And part of our strong emotional reactions are trying to alleviate our discomfort.

So if we go back to it again, At a very basic level expectations are what we think should happen in a given situation and emotions or the feelings about what is happening. And what to expect and when our expectations match reality. We feel pretty good or even happy. But when there's this mismatch and that's when our reality fall short of our expectations, even though this is someone else that we're interacting with, we then can feel disappointed, frustrated, or even angry.

So let's go back to this narrative. So the scenario we've got these two characters, expectations and emotions, and they are in a relationship. And they're planning a big weekend getaway. So expectations sits at the kitchen table. Expectations has a map spread out before them. A detailed itinerary in hand. Because they have these expectations of what's going to happen in this getaway emotions.

They are just pumped, dancing around the room, just excited to be on the upcoming trip that I can't wait. They, they, they say this is gonna be so much fun. And emotions. They are just beaming. They're so excited. And expectations kind of calm. Just smiles and nods. You know, planned out a lot of great activities, but you know, I think we need to stay pretty flexible in case something doesn't go as planned. Which I think is a key part of this because expectations requires flexibility.

And oftentimes I think we get disappointed because we have these expectations and things need to go perfectly as planned, or that means something went wrong. But when expectations says, okay, let's stay flexible case something, doesn't go as planned. Then emotions pauses, they're dancing and they, they sit down next X expectations. You're right. If it rains, we can always go visit a museum instead of hiking. That'll be fun too.

And then it's funny because emotions can take over and then all of a sudden emotions is going while we can do 800 different things. Which then expectations then says, okay. No, I mean, I've got a plan, so let's see if we can work together. As soon as this, this weekend unfolds, then a sudden. Little a rainstorm rolls in. So the expectations, commonly reviews, the backup plan while emotions who was initially disappointed, that's fine. But then they quickly get back to enthusiasm because okay.

Expectations has a backup plan. They go to a museum. So at the museum expectations now is saying, you know, let's go through the exhibits were here. So we present. And making sure we're not going to miss any of the highlights, but emotions. They are just marveling at the work and artwork and they're sharing their joy. They laugh together. Expectations and emotions are getting along. Great.

And sometimes they expectations might need to call them emotions down a little bit, but sometimes they just say, man, I love these emotions. And and just, I want to watch, I want to sit back and watch you just go and beam. So when they work well together, expectations and emotions, they make every trip enjoyable, memorable, even though there can be these changes in expectations.

Now emotions might react pretty quickly, but then they can come back around and they can, they can appreciate that there are expectations and plans. But I think , you can see that when expectations and emotions, when they are just working well together, when they're in flow. Then they can make this entire experience, whatever the experience is far more richer and more fulfilling. And so let's talk about when they don't get along.

so I think that you can see here that in this scenario, the roles that they're playing you can almost look at expectations. Is this a more of this wise? I'm seasoned. Experience planner and they like organization. They like to set goals. And I know for me personally, expectations. Is not one of the people that is up in the front of the bus. That's that's driving the. , the bus of my life. I want to say, is that a short bus? , there's definitely the expectations is on the bus.

So I think that's, that's the thing, But emotions are more of this vibrant, expressive individual. This part of you. Who responds there. There's reactions to the world around them and can respond with all the well emotions, enthusiasm, joy, sadness, anger, and everything in between. And I think that we really need to make sure that we're making room for this person, emotions, this part of you. Because so often I think we are suppressing emotions, because , we go back to that narrative.

Growing up. If we were continually told that don't worry about it. It's not a big deal. Calm down. We don't talk that way. That our emotions were in essence, internalized pretty young. And we still feel like we need permission to let our emotions. Out , and whatever those are sometimes we think, okay, well, I can have the happy emotions. But even then at times we think, okay, am I being too happy? Am I being prideful. Am I not worrying about enough things?

. Let's do a different scenario where the same characters we've got expectations. So we've got emotions. And this is where they are at odds with each other. They're going to talk about a missed promotion opportunity at work. So expectations, pitcher them. Now they're sitting at their desk and they are looking at their just carefully laid out plans for career advancement. A little little bit of certainty is what expectations are hoping for.

They're hoping that if I can plan well enough, then I know what is going to happen. Which again, adorable but we've got to have that psychological flexibility in there. Because that certainty is something that I think my daughter Sydney said on a Tik TOK live recently, that the only thing certain is uncertainty. And I like that vibe. But expectations.

And they're sitting at their desk, they're reviewing their, all their plans, their 30 day goals, their 90 day, their one year their five-year their 10 year. All of these things that they are laying out to make sure that they know exactly where they're going in their life. , , Q scene. So the expectations is saying, you know, I was really sure I would get that promotion. And at that point, expectations is pretty pretty disappointed. They got a frown on their face.

So emotions, they come into the room, they are visibly upset. This is unfair. I am angry. I am disappointed. And they are just shouting they're pacing back and forth. And expectations. Kind of size and says, man, we had everything planned perfectly. I mean, this was not supposed to happen. I was supposed to get the promotion and this is what was going to happen next. And that if now, what am I supposed to do with the next stages of my life, my career.

And emotions actually becomes pretty overwhelmed and with a lot of frustration. And so then they snap back. What's even the point of planning. If things don't ever go our way, if we don't know what's going to happen, why are we even wasting the time doing the planning? At this point, you got emotions and you have expectations. And in a stare off, they're just glaring at each other. You can feel the tension rising.

Expectations when put under pressure often becomes very rigid and they have a hard time seeing beyond the current failed plan. And then emotions when they pick up on that rigidity and that frustration. Now they spiral, they let anger, they let sadness take over. And you can. Maybe feel that at times when you said, okay, this is what I want to do next, or I hope to do next. And then it doesn't happen. And now.

it's those emotions often feed off of those expectations, which is why I think it's so important to have this flexibility built in this acceptance built in. It's great to have expectations. It's great to have some idea of what direction you want to go. But when we are so rigid and fixed on I'm at point a right now, and I ha I know what Z is. I have to get there. Then we're going to basically invite emotions to come play. A major, major role.

And I want them to play a role in our lives because we've stuffed them for so long and they can be our guide. And we need to make room for them. We need to let, let them. I let him just be an exist, but that doesn't mean we have to react to them. So days have passed now expectations. Sulking around. They won't look at new opportunities cause they keep going back and looking at the, what they had planned this, these, what am I supposed to do now?

These are my, these, this is what was supposed to happen next. So they won't look at new opportunities. So then emotions now they are just having a field day. They're lashing out at colleagues and friends and venting their frustration. And the unfortunate part is the constant conflict between emotions and expectations just makes things worse, creating a toxic environment for both. Which is you and it's happening internally.

And I think that's so often when we have the. That that discomfort from. Unmet expectations. And then stuffed emotions that now are saying, okay. This is sometimes the only chance I have to breathe is when I can wait. And all I can just get really angry or frustrated. Then we start to feel bad. And then what do we do with our discomfort? Oftentimes we play small. We acquiesce we try to fit some mold that somebody else thinks that we should do or how we should act or be.

And it just, it, it exacerbates the situation. It makes it worse.

So now eventually say a friend intervene, suggesting that expectations, emotions, you guys need to talk things out that friend, maybe we could call them. Therapists, we call them mindfulness meditation. But expectations and emotions. They finally sit down together. And expectations is gonna just be honest. Hey, I'm hurt because I feel like we work so hard. And that helps them soften a little bit. It's like, we're acknowledging, we're accepting that. Yeah, that would that's. That would hurt.

We have worked hard we've we planned, this was where we thought we would be. And. And emotions to saying, okay. I know. But holding onto that hurt, I think is making things worse. And as emotions is starting to be able to be let out and to be heard. And the two of them are softening. Then the emotions are starting to calm down. Yeah. Maybe we need to adjust our plants. I don't know. Maybe we need to be open to other opportunities.

So at that point, emotions, expectations can start to find a little more common ground. And so the expectations can start to be a little more flexible because these two are starting to work together. Expectations can start saying, all right, let's take a look at some new new opportunities. Let's say we're point B. Now how about we don't worry about Z. How about we now worry about X or Y it's where emotions comes in and says, well, I hear you. It's not a bad idea.

How about we just go with B what's next on the horizon.

And I have spoke often about when I got out of the computer software industry, I had a couple of job opportunities. I was looking into pharmaceutical sales. I was looking into financial planning. I still have a letter that is after two or three rounds of job interviews with apple. Where I thought I was really going to have a opportunity to advance my career there. And I mean, who would have wanted that 20 years ago with where apple stock has gone through the roof over the last two decades?

But I digress. That's where my emotions want to come in and say, yeah, who would want that to. Possibly to be worth a whole lot of money. That wouldn't be very fun. But what I love about that was then that just, it took me out back to grad school to become a therapist, to be, even to be a therapist. I didn't see myself actually practicing. I thought it would help me. With more of my writing. I was writing a newspaper column at that time.

I'd just become a new father, which is fascinating because I'm about to become a new grandfather. And I was writing a humorous columns about parenting, and I thought, well, who's going to buy a book about parenting from just some columnist in. In a small town. And I thought, well, I'll get some letters by my name, but I think subconsciously secretly was that just my true desire to head down this path, but I, I wasn't even almost willing to give myself permission.

So you go back to grad school, become the therapist, and now here we are 20 plus years later. And it's just the greatest thing in my life. And and I never anticipated that. This would be my point. I was about to say Z, but maybe I'm an M or in Oop. I've got those, those letters down.

But even S even with that said, if expectations is starting to consider new opportunities, it's fair that emotions now that they're starting to be, let out a little bit more, that they're going to say, can I have a little bit of a say, or at least, can you let me have a little more free run? And so, because they were hurt during that whole thing too. So they are going to say I it's, I am going to support these new ideas with a little more we'll call it cautious optimism.

But by acknowledging that internal conflict or in this scenario, if we've externalized emotion and expectation, but by acknowledging that, okay, this is difficult. It's okay. We're accepting that this is what's happening. Now they start to work together. They can start to understand each other expectations and emotions. Then in this scenario, Started the heel they're moving forward. They're learning that flexibility.

And in this scenario, open communication, which really means accepting that it's okay to feel certain ways and it's okay to have disappointment. It's okay to have anger. It's okay to have excitement. And as we start to learn to feel our emotions and notice them, and maybe not be as reactive to them, then you have the things that you need built in.

To help you learn and grow but I think it's so important to acknowledge that that growth does come from discomfort. And my marriage course. I like the say that we're so afraid of contention. Because that's uncomfortable that we avoid tension altogether because tension is starting to feel uncomfortable. And if we can learn to two. Acknowledge discomfort. Sit with discomfort, not try to get rid of it. Don't diffuse it into your relationship.

Or don't try to get someone else to validate you or tell you it's okay. Because at some point. We are. Okay. It's the first time we're going through life as us and the things that are happening to us. Are happening. Check that out. And when we go beat ourselves up or ruminate about the past, man, I wish I would have done this better. Or I've been feeling this way for a long time. Then acceptance is one of the biggest keys that you can, you can use. It's man.

Yeah. That would have been better if we would've figured this out sooner. Absolutely. Acceptance. But here we are. Because this is now when we're figuring things out. And then we start to then project to get our crystal balls out. But what if the future doesn't end up being the way that I hope it will be? And what if I don't even know what the future's going to look like, then that does feel. It can feel a bit scary. Uncertainty can feel scary.

But then that it's that feeling by not acknowledging the feeling, not letting that feeling to, to be able to express itself. That then we are trying to get rid of it. And how do we get rid of that feeling? Well, I need certainty. So I'm going to lock me back in on what I know the familiar. And the thing that could actually help me the most. I'm going to kick that down the road. I'm going to kick that can down the road, it's that concept in acceptance and commitment therapy.

Of the confidence gap, the book I love by Russ Harris, but it's, that will say, okay, now I just got to start getting the confidence and then I'll be able to do, I'll be able to make the change. And I think that's just the lovable story that our brain is telling us. Because we know what right now feels like it, and it can feel familiar. But cause to get the confidence, we actually have to start doing the thing. And that thing may change. That's where the psychological flexibility comes in.

The, whatever that thing is, it will. It will change depending on the things that we're doing now, being present here in this present moment will then show us what point C and D and E what those will look like. Okay. So what have we learned today? Let's go back to that, that simple explanation that at a very basic level expectations, what we think should happen in a given situation. Emotions those feelings about what's happening.

But when those expectations match our reality or what we are thinking should happen. Then we usually feel pretty, okay. We might be happy, but when there's a mismatch, as we saw, when our reality of what we believe will happen, falls short of what actually is happening, then we can feel disappointed and frustrated and even angry, but we're wired to not want to feel those things or when we let them out.

They are just going to come screaming out of the gate because we've suppressed them for so long. Expectations. Can be about ourselves. They can be about others. They can be about situations. And I think it's, it's interesting to just note that we form those expectations based on our past experiences, based on the cultural norms, based on personal desires. And I think that you can really make the case that a lot of our expectations could come from pretty random things as well.

And they can come from a place that you moved in a billboard that you drive by every day as a kid. And just look out the window. And maybe I remember I had some challenges with with dental work as a kid. I was racing another kid. I think it was nine or 10. And. We were just running. I looked back to see if I'm winning. And unfortunately on this day, I, when I won. And then when I turn back around, there's a fence that just has a chain. That's going from between two wooden posts.

And so it knocked a bunch of my teeth out and I had to have these, this brace put in, they found a couple of the teeth on the ground, and I think they tuck them back in there with them and put them back in with this brace. And that combined with driving by this dental billboard, I think on the way to school for a long time, I thought I need to be a dentist. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to be a dentist. I go to the dentist now a lot. Not now, but I wish I did more.

But as a kid, because I had to get this brace adjusted and see what was going on with these teeth that I had knocked out. And it's really funny to just think that that experience. It it did for I had strong opinions about the expectations that I had in life. And interestingly enough, as I. Went on my academic journey and realize not a big fan of science. Maybe math was not my strongest subject. Then I did feel a tremendous amount of disappointment that I did not think that I could.

I get into something like a dental school. So forming those expectations on experiences and cultural norms and personal desires. And then, but how that also shows up as if you are someone that's punctual, because. Maybe that's something that you're taught by your family and it might be a positive reinforcement version of something top of your family, or it can be a negative one that you got in trouble. If you were going to be late.

Or you would literally get left on a ride and have to walk yourself back to school. If you've got left, then you might be more punctual, but then you also now might have these expectations that your friends will also be on time because you're the one that values punctuality. And then emotions. Just think of that as it is your mind and body's response to what's happening. And I love in the book emotionally focused therapy for dummies of all things. They talk about how our emotions travel.

Two and a half times faster than logic. It's that visceral or gut reaction. And you have to work pretty intentionally with a meditative or mindfulness practice to be able to build more of a pause in there. Or else that visceral or gut reaction is happening so fast. The example of, of seeing things out of the corner of your eye, your peripheral vision, and then you recoil you react and then recognize that it isn't even a threat. But that visceral, that gut reaction, the emotions are so fast.

And they are there. They're hoping to protect you. So when we are feeling bad about those emotions or stuffing those emotions, then we're actually going against our very programming are what can make us safe or protect us. And and I think that's why being able to just give yourself grace, notice those emotions. And allow them to come in so they can tell us a story and then see what we have to do. Cause sometimes that story is. Run get out of here. Other times that story is okay.

That frightened me. Why? Because they don't have a lot of experience with whatever it is that I'm now experiencing. But I think it's so important to recognize that if we can start to acknowledge emotion and not try to push away the discomfort, but learn that this discomfort is an area for growth. Then those emotions can serve as pretty good signals and they can let us know even how we're experiencing a situation. Happiness might signal things are going well.

Frustration might signal that something is not going as expected. Anger might signal that there is an injustice that's happening right now. And when our expectations are met, then we normally feel positive emotions. So you can even see why then I want a plan and I want things to go according to plan, because that, that robotically may give me, , may give me positive emotion. But when they're not met, then here comes the negative emotions.

If you expect a relaxing weekend, but they ended up dealing with work or, your lawn floods or somebody gets sick , then you can feel stressed and frustrated because you had an expectation that things would go easy. And so then it, doesn't your expectations change and you lack the psychological flexibility to just acknowledge this as happening and emotions. What do you guys have to say? I'm disappointed about this weekend. Same. Absolutely. I am as well.

Thank you because I think we're in the same page. Now let's go deal with whatever this situation is. Let's shift those expectations a little bit, become a little bit more psychologically flexible, and I promise you emotions. You, you will be with us every step of the way. 'cause I I'll even check in with you. I will.

So, how do you manage the expectations in essence to manage emotions? The first step of that is awareness. Just becoming aware of your expectations. Are they realistic? Are they based on assumptions or facts? Are they socially compliant goals? Are your expectations, things that you think you should do? I remember working with someone that, that when they first started.

Coming to me, they had a tremendous amount of anxiety having panic attacks because they really wanted to get into a particular type of graduate school. But then the more we talked, they didn't even like the field that they were in. Forget the fact of having to go to graduate school or having to get the good grades to get into the grad school, to take the program that they didn't even want to take.

So are a lot of your expectations built around the things that you think you should do and there's that bad. Should. Because no one likes to be should on. A life lived of socially compliant goals. This one that will be driven to a lot of experiential avoidance. What else can I do other than this thing that I. I know air quotes that I'm supposed to do that I really don't want to do. Are your expectations realistic? Are they based on assumptions? Are they based on facts?

Are they based on anything that even really matters to you? And if you feel that right now, That's the chance to start to untangle or diffuse your thoughts. Those. Hey, I have to do it this way to then check that out. I'm noticing that I have to do it this way. That doesn't feel right again. I'm letting you back in emotions. So now let's start to go on a deep dive of what are my values.

Let's start there and then we can start to figure out what it, what it does feel like to be me and the things that are important to me. And that concept of flexibility is so key, trying to stay flexible with, with expectations. Life's pretty unpredictable and things don't always go as planned. I think some would argue, they rarely go as planned. And this does become a lot of confirmation bias.

What you see your implicit memory, what it feels like to be you that's based on the slow residue of lived experience. As that if I am psychologically flexible and it's okay to have these expectations. I'm acknowledging, I'm accepting the fact that things may change because then I'm not trying to manage everything around me. So that change will not occur. But I'm going to say, I'm going to start heading down the path of expectation.

And then let's see where this takes me, but here comes the adventure. All right, there you are feelings. There you are. Okay. I see this expectation was maybe unrealistic. But it was a, it was a good start. So that's going to head me down a different path now. But then I think communication is so key as well. Communication to yourself. Of just of acknowledging giving yourself grace, not trying to, you know, I don't even wanna think this cause then you're gonna think it even more.

But check this out. This is what I'm thinking. Check this out. I was thinking that this would be a lot easier. That is definitely something.

But that acceptance, I love the concept of acceptance. Acceptance doesn't mean apathy. It means to take in without defense in its entirety. And why? I just got excited about that is I am in my California office when I'm here. I go see a movie with my son and his girlfriend whenever I'm in town. And we saw super scary movie last night, the strangers or something. And I it's that acceptance. And I know this, I say this on when I speak about this on podcast. I don't like to be scared.

Oh my goodness. I don't like to be scared. I don't. And if I just said. So I'm gonna avoid everything that would scare me. Then I would have missed out on a pretty fun evening last night, getting to talk with Jake and Taylor, getting to go to this movie, eating popcorn. One of my favorites. And just getting out and we had a shared experience and we talked about other things in life. And I got scared. Oh my goodness. I got scared. I watched so much of this movie through my hand. I had my hat.

I'm watching it through the little thing that's above, where you connect your hat on the back of the latch. Because this, I just was not feeling, I checked my heart rate several times. I answered a couple of texts. I did turn the screen down really, really low because I thought, okay, if I can just kind of distract myself, I can do this. I said to Jake, a couple of times, I think I want to go home. But I was scared. But that acceptance was that. Oh yeah.

But then there were also moments where I thought, okay, that's kind of clever that part of the story, that part of the story. And then, uh, we talked about it when we were done with the movie, but we had a shared experience and that part is amazing. So, uh, communicating with yourself, acceptance, just practice, accepting that you cannot control things. Some things are beyond our control and that's okay. As a matter of fact, that's where I still believe that it is.

It's absolutely good to have these expectations. Setting goals, those things onboard. But, but then have that psychological flexibility. Because I feel that so often even. Even setting the goal is just, oh, another muse to then say, all right, I'm heading in this direction. But when people are so rigid about, I have to do everything within my power to achieve this goal.

No. I, I really think that the goal is then going to say, okay, let's see how I feel or think about this, wherever, whatever direction I'm going. So if I set a goal again of maybe let's say I'm gonna set a goal of reading two books a month. And then I start doing that and I recognize that, okay, I'm not getting that done well, then it brings up some emotion and rather than beat myself up, because I don't like that emotion.

And I'm used to than trying to play small, to get rid of that discomfort or anxiety by then saying, man, what was I thinking? I am just. I can't do that. I don't have time or I'm not a speed reader versus saying, okay. I started with that goal. And now why is that not be getting accomplished? Is it because quite frankly, I don't like the books I'm reading.

So then is it a, I need to read one psychology book per month or is it two fiction books a month or so everything that I'm doing then gives me more data and opportunity for growth for me. Um, so we'll wrap this up managing emotions to manage expectations.

Uh, what are some tools that can help with that? Mindfulness because staying present, being aware of your emotions, but without judgment, check those out that helps you understand why you're feeling a certain way, change your relationship with your thoughts and emotions. And then emotional regulation is key. And this is one of those concepts that you need to be doing in the downtime. Learn techniques to calm yourself when you're feeling overwhelmed, such as the deep breathing or taking a break.

And those when we get out of the discomfort and then oftentimes we tell ourselves I'll never do that again. And then it alleviates our discomfort. But then we don't do anything. Like practice emotional regulation techniques that would actually help us. Avoid or not even avoid, but notice that discomfort is, is on its way. If I'm noticing, oh, starting to feel something starting to get my heart rate started elevate a little bit. Now I can go outside. I can take a breath.

I just did it right here in my studio. I just squared off my shoulders. I'm sitting up much straighter. I opened my chest because now my body already knows that, oh, if we're going to start doing these emotional regulation, things that we need to get grounded, we need to be present. And then you're able to do things like reframe, okay. This is where I thought this was going. Let me, let me take a little different perspective.

And act, we talk, we call it self in context where I can step back in that very moment and say, check this out. This is what I'm doing. This is what I'm thinking. This is my expectation. Um, now I can notice that, which is one of the ways to help me diffuse from this rigid expectation about what needs to happen next, or else I'm going to tell myself that I'm a failure. No, first time I'm being me in this situation. So then what can I learn from this?

Is there a positive side and the answer is, is yeah, sometimes that. Positive side comes in hindsight, because again, tell somebody what you're going through in the moment. , well, you'll never be given more than you can handle or all these things will be for your good and you're going to. You can get something thrown at you. I remember as a therapist early on. Carton out those gyms. To somebody that's going through absolute. The worst situations in their life.

But then at some point, That has , made you stronger. I , it really, really has if. If you think he can't do it anymore? Well, you, you are, you did, you're going to get through it. Then starting to put these skills into place is when you recognize that you're a little stronger than you think, and it's okay to have the emotions that you have, and you can have your expectations because they are yours based off of your experience. And then you did make it. And you are.

Okay. And so now review that game film because sometimes when we go back and we want to think about things, we don't, we don't want to think about them because they make us uncomfortable. Comfortable, but we can look at those things as opportunities for growth. It's just, it's an amazing experience.

So being aware of those expectations, , learning , to give them space , is a concept around managing the managing doesn't mean controlling them, but you can start to really prevent a lot of these. Really negative. And I'm talking about shame-based emotions from a rising. And then by being able to be very aware and letting in your emotions and giving them space and room and even thanking them for being there.

You start to gain a clear perspective on what your expectations are and then you can adjust them. , as needed, it's about finding that balance. , of being kind to yourself in the process. Okay. , I have more, examples of, uh, illustrating , how this plays out in emotionally immature and emotionally mature responses. And maybe what we'll do is we'll do that one over on the waking up to narcism podcast. So thanks for joining me today.

If you have questions, thoughts, examples, please send them to me. , and, , I look forward to talking with you again next week on the virtual couch.