276 - Ask Minaa Anything: Creating and Navigating Healthy Friendships

Welcome to the Very Well Mind Podcast. I'm Mina B, and I'm a licensed social worker, mental health educator. and author of Owning Our Struggles. Usually, I'm chatting with experts, wellness advocates, and others about the power of community care in improving mental health. In this episode though, we are taking a different approach. Instead of having a guest, it's all about our audience because it's Ask Mina Anything Day.

Listeners had the chance to write in and ask their burning questions, as well as share their dilemmas, and I'm here to assist them in addressing the questions. Provide advice, and share some insight. So let's dive into some of these questions.

Our first question says, Dear Mina, I tried to make friends, but from childhood till now, everyone has used and abandoned me. I accepted this as my fate. As no one wants to talk to me, I feel lonely. What should I do? So first I want to validate how difficult this can feel when you feel as if you have No community, no support system. You're not a part of a solid friend group. Dealing with loneliness can be extremely hard.

The first thing I want to unpack is you sharing that you try to make friends, but from childhood, even until now, you have felt used and abandoned. And so it sounds like here you have some childhood wounds that might still need tending to. I'm curious to know what happened to you in your childhood that made you feel as if people used you, abandoned you, and didn't really build authentic connections with you.

And now, as an adult, what have you done to tend to those childhood wounds? What have you also done to tend to your inner child? I know people hear the term inner child and they're like, oh man, here comes the psychological woo-woo. So let's unpack what that means. When we talk about our inner child, or I'll say when I as a licensed social worker talk about an inner child.

It really means reflecting on the different ways you've aggressed to childlike mannerisms to deal with conflict in your life. As adults, we all know that age does not equal maturity. And when you deal with trauma, especially if that trauma started in childhood, sometimes you might regress to childlike behaviors. to manage stress, to deal with conflict, and even to just deal with certain issues in life that are really heavy and hard to handle.

And so for you, tending to your inner child might look like what did your childhood self need when you were in these relationships where people were using you and abusing you? What kind of love did you receive as a child? What kind of support did you need as a child that you feel like you didn't get? And how can you now start to show that to yourself? How can you start giving your inner child the things that you didn't get to have when you were younger?

Another thing I want you to be thinking about is your core belief. Sometimes we can have negative core beliefs, which sounds like, I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy. I'm a failure. And the reason why I want you to unpack your core beliefs is because you share in your question, I have accepted this as my faith.

And so what you're saying is I've accepted that no one's ever gonna love me. No one is ever going to want to build authentic connections with me. And that is now forming your core beliefs around how you see yourself. and the type of relationships that you feel like you can build. And so I want you to be thinking about who you are as a person, what you feel you deserve, and how you can now use that information to inform the type of relationships you want to build.

If you create this idea that people don't want to build loving, authentic relationships with you, it might inform the types of relationships that you build. The second thing I want you to think of is what are your standards? When you say that people used and abandoned you, can you reflect on some boundaries that you didn't have during those times in your life? And what are some new boundaries that you can create so that you're not engaging in one-sided relationship?

When you feel like you're being used or abandoned, it's often because there is no reciprocity in that relationship. And so you're investing in someone, but you're not necessarily receiving a return on your investment. When you find that people aren't showing up for you, it can create unsatisfying relationships. And so I want you to be thinking about your core beliefs, but also what are some boundaries that you need to start setting?

So that you don't continue to end up in one-sided relationships where you feel used and abandoned, but instead you are developing nourishing relationships with people who actually want to build with you. Now let's move on to our next question.

Dear Mina, how do I learn to trust friends after one tarnished a friendship by their actions towards my partner? I don't trust any of the few friends that I have left anymore, and I want to change that. So what you're speaking to is the act of betrayal. Being betrayed by a friend is really, really hard and difficult. So I completely understand why you are currently trying to figure out can you trust the few friends that you have left anymore?

And what about building new connections and friendships as you move forward? Betrayal can hurt because what's happening is there is a rupture in a relationship that ruptures your trust in the person, it ruptures your sense of safety in that relationship as well. I think the most important thing here to understand is that you don't want to judge your other few friends by the actions of this one particular friend.

I think it's important for you to recognize the emotions that you're experiencing and how it's in an emotional response to this person who engaged in whatever the action was toward your partner that now tarnished your friendship. So instead of saying all of my friends can't be trusted because of this one person's actions. You wanna try to make sure that you're managing your feelings and saying, you know what?

What I feel by this one person is valid. They did something that was really harmful to me, but my other friends should not have to pay the consequence because of this one person's action. So I want you to be thinking about one, the different ways that the other friends are showing up for you. I want you to be thinking about what does trust look like for you in a friendship? I want you to be thinking about is there respect? Is there vulnerability? Is there reciprocity in that relationship?

I also want you to be thinking about what are some red flags in the current relationships you have, as well as new relationships that you build with people. So that you can recognize, okay, these are some behaviors they're engaging in that helps me to understand I need to create a full stop. This is someone who is not trustworthy and someone that I cannot move forward with.

But green flags and relationship looks like. What are some signs and actions that these people are showing me that makes me feel safe in my relationship? It makes me feel nourished in my relationship. And it gives me the green light to continue to move forward with them. So I want you to unpack that with the rest of the friends that you have.

And so that you can learn to use discernment and say, well, these are some behaviors that really make me uncomfortable and I'm going to use discernment on how I move forward with these people. But if there are green flags in the rest of my relationships, then how can I continue to nourish those relationships so that these friends aren't dealing with the consequences of this one friend's actions? Now moving on to the next question.

Dear Mina, having had PTSD twice in my 77 years, once during childhood and once after Vietnam, I have also struggled with depression, but only intermittently. Are the two connected and how can I better cope now in advanced age? So you bring up a really important question. Is depression connected to PTSD? The answer is yes.

Dealing with depression can be a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder. You can also experience anxiety, and the different ways depression can manifest is sense of fatigue, constant tiredness. Dealing with insomnia and disturbances to your sleep. You might also notice dissatisfaction in your life and other things that are happening that shows you that there is a disruption to your mood, your sense of self, as well as your overall mental health.

However, I want you to also understand that there are so many other life stressors that can be taking place. that could also be leading to depression. So I hear you outline childhood and also Vietnam. But I'm curious to know, are there other stressors in your life happening right now that you think is playing a role in why you're feeling depressed? Stressors could look like one, aging. It could look like disruption to relationships.

It could look like circumstances that are really stressful. And these things can also lead to depression. And so I want you to consider what those stressors could be because there might be some things you can roll out. To help you figure out what is the core root of this depression that is happening intermittently, and maybe it's tied to a different stressor.

Now, the next question I have for you is what kind of support have you gotten for yourself once you left Vietnam? And I also hear you saying during childhood. And I love that you bring this up because it reminds us that no matter how old we are, we can still deal with the wounds of childhood trauma. And when that childhood trauma is not treated, it can impact us for the rest of our lives.

And so I wonder if there are some therapeutic services that you have engaged in. And if there aren't, what does that look like for you to get some therapeutic support? Some therapeutic support could look like talk therapy, but it can also look like maybe utilizing EMDR. Which is a form of therapy that helps you process maybe upsetting memories that's tied to Vietnam as well as your childhood and other thoughts, feelings, and symptoms to provide you with some sense of relief from PTSD.

Another thing that I encourage you to think about is what are your self-regulation practices, but what are your co-regulation practices? Self-regulation is when you engage in practices that you're pretty much doing by yourself. To help manage your nervous system and regulate your nervous system. Going to war can be really stressful on our nervous system because you're chronically

in a state of fight, flight, or freeze. And it's really hard to give your nervous system a break from that stress because you're chronically exposed to some sort of factor that leaves you in a dysregulated state. even though you're not in war anymore, your body might still be struggling to figure out how to regulate itself after years of trauma. And then you add again, dealing with trauma in your childhood.

So what does self-regulation look like for you? This could look like engaging the body through breath word. I always tell people to remember the same body that you hurt in is the same body that you heal in. In the same way our body has that internal mechanism to know when a threat is in our vicinity, our body also has another mechanism called the parasympathetic nervous system that teaches the body to thrive.

That teaches the body to understand that we are not in danger anymore, and how can we minimize these stress responses? So breath work can be one way to engage in self-regulation. You can take yourself on walks and engaging in nature. And doing other practices with yourself that really helps to put you in a calm state. Now, co regulation is when we use someone else's nervous system to calm our nervous system down. So I'm curious to know what your community looks like?

Because studies also show that people of older ages, specifically past the age of 65, also struggle with loneliness. And so you are at a high risk of experiencing loneliness. at this particular age. So what does your community look like? Do you have a support system? Do you have people that you feel like you can have nourishing and safe conversations with? people who don't judge you, people who can understand what you're dealing with, and also provide you with some form of support.

So I encourage you to think about self-regulation but also co-regulation and including some therapeutic services to help you manage the years of trauma that you've been carrying for so long. We'll be right back after this break. Welcome back to the Very Well Mind podcast. I'm your host, Meena.

Now, let's jump into our next question. Dear Mina, how do you know if you are outgrowing a friendship? I think this is something that so many people experience and struggle with. And I think the best way to know if you are outgrowing a friendship is if you find that that friendship brings on greater levels of dissatisfaction versus joy and pleasure.

If you find that every single interaction with your friend starts to leave you agitated or annoyed, or you realize that there is no connection and that connection is the foundation of that friendship. That can be a sign that you have outgrown this person, maybe because you're in a different season in your life, or maybe because there was a rupture in a relationship that it's really hard to try and repair it.

You might find yourself constantly thinking about that rupture. You find that it's a struggle for you to feel safe in that friendship. And overall, like I said, you're just dissatisfied. when hanging out with this person or even engaging with this person. Another thing to pay attention to, however, is does outgrowing a friendship always mean terminating a friendship?

Because often when people ask me this question, their mindset is, well, if I'm outgrowing someone, does that mean the friendship has to end? And well, there's no one blanketed answer to that, but there are a few things I want you to consider. There might be times where that friendship does have to end because you've realized maybe there's a rupture here that we just can't repair. The only way for me to repair this rupture is for me to exit the friendship.

I realized that whatever happened just brought on so much hurt and pain that I don't think I can move forward in this friendship anymore. but I can still respect you as a human being. I don't have to leave this relationship with toxicity. We can just both understand that because of what happened, we are not able to move forward and we can wish each other well.

We can be meaningful toward one another and we can have well intentions for the other person while knowing that our time together is done. Now, another thing to pay attention to, however, is sometimes outgrowing a friendship doesn't necessarily mean that you have to terminate the friendship. There might be certain domains within the friendship that you realize, you know what?

We're not compatible in area A, but we're still compatible in area B. And so maybe that is the part of the friendship that I will continue to nourish. That is a part of the friendship that I will view as a strength. That is the part of the friendship that I will continue to stay connected to and engage in while also knowing that there's a piece to who you are as a person that has changed for me.

And it doesn't mean that I have to end the relationship with you, but it might help me to use discernment in figuring out, you know what? Maybe this is one area where my friend can't meet the specific need, but what about the other areas? Are there other areas where I do find satisfaction in this relationship? This area brings me so much joy, it helps me thrive, it nourishes me, and it makes me want to stay connected to you. So I want you to think about

What outgrowing looks like for you? Because sometimes outgrowing a friend might just look like adjusting the degree of closeness with a person. And saying we used to be really, really close and we used to tell each other everything and we used to talk on the phone daily. But now we're in a different season. And so maybe those phone calls have turned down to maybe one to two times a week.

or we text each other more than we talk on the phone. And so instead of terminating the relationship with you, I can just use discernment and figure out how to show up in this friendship.

Now, let's jump into our next question. Dear Mina, I'm struggling with being single, and I feel like I don't have support. People say things to me like, the right person will come at the right time. And it's truly not helpful. What can I do to manage the difficult feelings that come with being single? Hearing this type of advice can be really, really hard. It can make you feel like you don't have support when the people around you are saying, well, the right person will come at the right time.

Or if you keep looking, no one's going to come up. They'll come at a different time. Or other things I've heard people say, like you have to love yourself more in order for someone to love you. And there's a whole plethora of things and terms that people say to us that really don't feel supportive. So I want to start there. I wonder what it would look like for you to tell your friends or whoever these people are, this doesn't help me.

This maybe makes me feel invalidated. It doesn't feel like my feelings are being validated when you say that. It makes me feel like you're dismissing me or minimizing the things that I'm feeling. And it also just doesn't feel supportive. It actually makes me walk away feeling worse.

And I wonder what it would look like for you to show up in your friendships and just let people know when you say these things to me, this is how it impacts me. It doesn't make me feel heard, it doesn't make me feel seen. And it's just really, really hard to hear. The reason why I think starting there can be important is because sometimes people think that they are being well-intentioned.

They think they're saying the right thing to you. And sometimes they need to know that, hey, I understand that your intention is to provide me with support, but I need to let you know what the impact is. It's not landing in a supportive way. It's actually landing more as d a dismissive statement or a statement that feels minimizing. Sometimes we do have to let people know, I know you're trying to give me great advice, but hey, this doesn't help at all.

And in your friendships for people who really want to support you and be there for you, they would accept that feedback and they would be more mindful of how they respond to you. Now, to answer the second part of your question, being single can provoke a lot of difficult feelings. And first, I also want to validate that it is okay to struggle with the feeling of being single. You don't have to pretend that being single is the best thing that has ever happened to you if it's not.

The first thing that you can do is honor that this is a hard time for you. Honor the different emotions that are coming up for you around what it looks like to be single. The other thing, however, I want you to be thinking about is how can you be proactive during this time to manage those difficult feelings? The reason why it's so important to be proactive is because, in order to engage in a relationship, we need the consent of another human being. And so until we get to that stage.

Learning to deal with your singleness might require you to one, adjust your mindset around what you feel being single means to you. Because sometimes we struggle with being single because we tell ourselves really negative narratives around singleness. We might say things like, I'm not worthy or I'm not lovable because nobody wants to date.

And so I want you to be thinking about the narratives that you've been creating for yourself around what it means to be single. And if you find that those narratives are negative, how can you really change that story? into something that is more positive, into something that is more nourishing for you. The next thing I want you to be thinking about is how can you just be more proactive with your life for what it is right now?

What does it look like to do the thing like take yourself on a date? What does it look like to treat yourself to things that you know you're deserving of? What are some things in life that you feel like you haven't participated in or done yet that right now, while you are single and you can focus on yourself? How can you engage in those things? How can you make this time in your life fun? How can you make this time in your life meaningful for you?

And so I want you to be thinking about one, the stories that you tell yourself about being single, but also how can you just be proactive during this time to make this time in your life feel more nourishing and fruitful?

Now we are jumping into our last question. Dear Mina, why does stress make me go from sad to overwhelmed? And I think that this is a really good question because I'm sure so many people can relate to this. One, stress impacts the nervous system. And so when you're feeling chronic stress, which is prolonged stress from a situation, it can create a mood imbalance. And that mood imbalance could look like you ebbing and flowing between a state of hyper arousal.

which is where your body is chronically anxious, maybe you're even having panic attacks, or hypo arousal, which is where your body might fall into a state of depression, fatigue, or even sadness. The goal here is to ask yourself, how can you get back to your optimal level of functioning, which is your window of tolerance? I always tell people

When you think about your feelings, it can be really hard to name them. It can be really hard to say, I feel sad right now, or I feel angry right now, or I feel joyful. Right. And so when we're thinking of our window of tolerance, I want you to measure it on a scale of one to ten. One being your worst, ten being your best, and asking yourself, when I'm thriving in life. Where do I fall on that spectrum on a scale of one to ten?

Because even though 10 is operating at your best level, you don't always have to feel like a 10 in order to thrive in life. You can say to yourself, you know what? As long as I'm a seven, I feel like I'm good. Or maybe you might say, as long as I get to an eight today, I know that I'll be satisfied. I might not feel euphoric, but I will be at peace. I will have ease in my life. And so I want you to be thinking about on a scale of one to ten, what is your optimal level of functioning?

And I want you to be thinking about the different practices that can get you to your optimal level of functioning. Stress is one of those things that can feel really tricky because sometimes stress is good stress. It might bring greater awareness to the fact that we have things that are urgent. It might bring greater awareness to things that we're passionate about. It might even bring greater awareness to things that we really have to give our energy and attention to.

And so when we tackle those things, we can eliminate those problems. This is what problem solving looks like. But when stress is prolonged, it can lead to feeling overwhelmed, but it can also lead to feeling burnt out. So another thing that you want to ask yourself is, are there stressors in my life that I can eliminate?

The more this stress is chronic and the more this stress is existing, the more you are going to find yourself ebbing and flowing between a state of hyper-arousal or hypoarousal, and that's going to lead to feeling overwhelmed on a daily basis. So the first thing you want to ask yourself is, is this a particular issue in my life that I actually have control over? If it is, then that means I need to engage in problem solving coping.

That means tackling the issue and providing a solution to the problem. And so if there is a deadline, for example, that you know that you have coming up. Problem solving means what are the actionable steps that I need to take so that when that deadline comes, I have completed whatever that task is so that I'm not late with the task and so that it is done on time. But there's another way that we can cope with stress, which is called emotion focused coping.

This is when we recognize there is a big issue in front of us, but the reality is we may have no control over the solution. And so this is where radical acceptance comes in. And it says, what is my emotional response to this thing? And how can I learn to make peace with knowing that this is a situation that I am dealing with right now? And it does make me sad. It does make me angry. It does make me rageful.

And when we learn to accept these emotions that are tied to the circumstances that we're dealing with, it can bring in a greater sense of peace. Radical acceptance does not mean dismissing how you feel. It does not mean pretending your problems don't exist. It means owning the reality of your situation and learning to acknowledge truth instead of operating through life in a state of denial.

Often we think we're managing problems by pretending they don't exist. And what does that do? That continues to make us feel overwhelmed because that problem is always going to be in the background of life. But when we recognize this is a small dot on this large map of life in front of us, I can own it and I can recognize it's hard to deal with it, but I can also make peace with knowing that this is a circumstance that I have in front of me.

And when I make peace with that circumstance, I can now learn to maneuver around that thing so that it doesn't engulf me and take up my whole entire life or even affect my well-being. So I want you to be thinking about the stressors you have in your own life. What are the stressors that you can tackle by problem-focused coping? And what are the stressors that you can tackle through emotion-focused coping?

So that is all for this episode. Thank you to everyone who submitted their burning questions for our Ask Mina Anything segment. And that is also all for this season of the Very Well Mind podcast. So I want to thank everyone for tuning in all season long and for sharing our episodes with your networks. Even though we are wrapping up, you can still go back and listen to past episodes with our guests. A few suggestions.

If you're struggling with anhedonia, which means a lack of joy, listen to episode 264 with Dr. Judith Joseph. If you want to learn more about activism and ways we can show up when trauma is impacting us all, listen to episode 267 with Felicia Henry. If you struggle with loneliness, especially as we approach the holidays, listen to episode 268 with Dr. Jeremy Nobel. Thank you again for tuning in and be sure to follow, rate, and review Very Well Mind wherever you listen to podcasts.