Voiceover: [00:00:00] Hi, my name is Kymberly Dakin, and an Uplifter to me is someone who can face all the negativity in our world and still find [00:00:15] positivity and light.
Aransas: Welcome to the Uplifters podcast. Today I am joined by Susan McPherson, and you will hear in her story something that It is so core to the [00:00:30] essence of our collective story.
So if you've been listening for a while, you'll know that the whole reason behind the Uplifters podcast is because I felt selfish getting to have amazing conversations with amazing women. So so much. And I felt like [00:00:45] other people should get to hear these conversations too and learn from these inspiring women.
Then I was also curious about their inspiring women and wanted to meet the women who gave them a charge in their lives. And so today's guest was [00:01:00] nominated by the incredibly uplifting Daisy Ojeh Dominguez and comes to us. with a passion for deep connection. And she is the author, in fact, of The Lost [00:01:15] Art of Connecting.
She's an angel investor, a board member, a corporate responsibility expert. And your recipe, Susan, for connection is something I think we can learn from. in [00:01:30] every arena in our lives. I'm the mom of two teenage girls and I think about what it meant to connect when they were little, right? It was all very organic.
We would have playground meetups, we would bond [00:01:45] over one thing, which was having children at the same age, the parents would become friends and the children would become friends and There wasn't a whole lot of, a whole lot of effort that needed to go into it beyond just foundational [00:02:00] socialization. And now with Teenage Daughters, both for me, but also for my girls, it's become something that requires more conscious outreach.
And so the title of your book, The Lost Art of Connecting, I think really [00:02:15] speaks to the creative element of connection and. Putting each of us into the seat of being the creators of our communities. So, I'm really, really, really happy to welcome you here [00:02:30] today and to learn more about your work, your process, and most of all, you.
Susan: Well, thank you. It's a joy to be here.
Aransas: So tell me why. Of all the [00:02:45] things in the whole world that you could have chosen to focus on and pour your energy into, you chose connecting.
Susan: Well,
Aransas: it's
Susan: really the only thing I'm good at. And I don't want to be self deprecating because it's a really good thing to be good at.
Music: Yeah. [00:03:00]
Susan: And I am a beneficiary of being good at connecting. But I think if we peel back what connecting means is. It's many things, right? It's listening more than we speak, right? We have two ears and one mouth for a reason. It's [00:03:15] being intentional. It's being kind. It's being caring. It's being curious. It's being excited for that Pandora's box when you really don't know what's on the other side of that door, yet you're willing to open it.
What it is not is [00:03:30] transactional. It's not immediate and it is not networking. Because if you look up the definition of networking, I guarantee you, you will go, ick. But if you look up connecting, it can mean many beautiful things. But I [00:03:45] was the child of two deeply serial connectors who, at the time, the technology they had were in person, of course, the rotary telephone, and the manual typewriters.
And every morning at the [00:04:00] breakfast table in the late 60s and throughout the 70s, there would be the five local newspapers, plus yesterday's or the day before's Boston Global and New York Times, because they would come via the mail. And my parents would be clipping and cutting [00:04:15] articles that made them think of colleagues, relatives, friends, and in my dad's case, he was a college professor.
So students, former students and granddaughters of those students. And they would then clip the articles, type little short [00:04:30] missives on their respective manual typewriters, go and put them in the envelopes and out into the postal mail they would go. And I thought everybody's parents did that. But the voila, that was not the case.
But, you know, once [00:04:45] technology kind of kept moving forward and by the time I had my first job and I, maybe my second job, and had a fax machine, I got to do what they did, but almost instantaneously. And then in the 90s, because the 80s was the [00:05:00] fax machine, the 90s was the advent of computers. The internet, at least the internet that consumers had access to, and I was able to put 15 people on the same email and share a recipe or share an exotic adventure or [00:05:15] share, at the time, you know, a TV show that I loved or something like that, that by virtue of sending it out to those 15 people, you were connecting them all.
10 more years, we had the advent of social media where you could obviously do all of this to the thousands [00:05:30] degree. But one thing that. I think was lost through all these journeys was something my parents so diligently took care of and that was the notion of intentionality because as it got so easy to zap [00:05:45] off a WhatsApp or a text or, you know, post something derogatory on on social media.
We lost the effort that went in. So hence the lost art of connecting. My goal is to help us get it back and understand the why, [00:06:00] because the benefits are tremendous. So there you go. That's how I picked connecting.
Aransas: Amazing. And, and it is interesting. I think when we sort of choose lanes to go deep on. Weird metaphor.
[00:06:15] Uh, we, we do, I think, track back and say, what journey has this taken throughout my life? And to see those patterns and I, my grandmother's a card sender. She's that person. And she's 94 years [00:06:30] old and she still sends out probably 30 or 40 cards a week. And someday. I will go to her funeral and her funeral will be populated by people who have hundreds of cards from her [00:06:45] because there is a sense of closeness to her because she is remembered by them at each milestone.
There's something so meaningful about that very tangible outreach and makes me [00:07:00] so proud of her that she's kept that up. That's beautiful. Thank you. You're welcome. She's a wonder. When you talk about the intentionality, what specifically do you mean by that, Susan?
Susan: The caring, the consideration, the actual effort, [00:07:15] the thinking ahead of time.
I mean, look, I get it. People when they post on social medias, oftentimes are being considerate. So I don't want to diss anybody or diminish any of the efforts. But I do think when you compare what My parents did before the [00:07:30] technology and the amount of foresight and forethought that went into that Is very different than than today now.
I'm not a luddite I'm, not suggesting we get rid of technology or that all social media is bad There are so many good things that this technology allows [00:07:45] us But what i'd like to bring back is leading with how we can be helpful to others Oftentimes when I give talks, I will ask for a show of hands when somebody asks you to accept their request on linkedin How often Do you say yes?
And then within [00:08:00] literally 45 minutes, somebody is selling you something, right? And I thought to my, you know, what I share is what about if instead they responded with a way to be helpful to you?
Aransas: Can you give us an example of that?
Susan: Yeah. Instead of saying, hi, can you [00:08:15] connect me or introduce me to this person so I can get a job?
Instead say, oh, I learned, you know, Daisy was your previous guest. Daisy, I just learned you have a new book coming out. Let me know how I can support you with your book. I'm happy to share some posts, [00:08:30] happy to share it with my friends. And then maybe the third or fourth back and forth, you can ask for that intro, right?
I mean, or them to buy something from you. And I don't think the amount of effort it takes to just scan what is going on [00:08:45] in somebody's life, because everything, almost everything is pretty public today, you can find out enough so that you can be. Or maybe just. Share a podcast that could be of interest, right?
I mean, there's so many ways we can be helpful. It's not [00:09:00] about writing a check. It's not, you know, about, you know, giving up your firstborn.
Aransas: My favorite opening for any outrage is, I was thinking of you.
Susan: Yeah.
Aransas: Because the truth is, in every instance, I am thinking of that [00:09:15] person. And it does feel so good to be thought of.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Susan: Well, the book, The Lost Art of Connecting, is really kind of trying to flip networking on its head because when we first learn to network, and look, we're going to have to network the rest, you know, rest [00:09:30] of our professional lives. But when we network, we tend to think about what we can walk away with, what can we get, and my notion of connection is, what can, how can we lead with how we can be helpful?
When we walk into rooms, whether they [00:09:45] are virtual or in person, how can we lead with being helpful to others and asking the questions of others so we can find out how we can be helpful?
Aransas: That's such a good distinction. You know, I think for our audience of uplifters, people who [00:10:00] are mission led, who are powered by purpose and service, that reframe can also help manage a lot of the fear.
that comes with outreach and connection with others. [00:10:15] How do you help people ask the right questions to understand how to express offers of service that feel authentic?
Susan: In the book, there's 10 questions you can [00:10:30] have in your back pocket. So it's pretty easy to pick up, but I created a methodology called gather ask do and in the gather phase before you get to the ability to ask others, you connect with yourself and you think about [00:10:45] what your superpowers are, because if you don't know how you can be helpful, you really can't offer up help, correct?
You also think about during the gather phase, what are your goals? Because even though you are going to be helpful to others, it's important to think about what your hopes and dreams are. Because inevitably, [00:11:00] if you're offering up help, I fervently believe the help comes back. And never, ever, ever should we be afraid to ask for help.
Even though the way I just made that whole LinkedIn story seem like we shouldn't, I'm just saying, offer up before you ask. And [00:11:15] lastly, in the gather phase, you think about all the ways you can break that hermetically sealed bubble that so many of us live in, myself included, where the people we surround ourselves with look like us, sound like us, the same age, race, and color as us.
And when you were at the beginning of, of [00:11:30] this wonderful podcast, when you were saying, you know, you would go to the playground and guess what? You'd meet people who are of similar age because you, you know, married your children. Once you kind of complete the gather phase, you can go to the ask phase, and that's when you learn to ask [00:11:45] questions that will give you the answers that will help you understand what people's hopes and dreams and desires and goals are.
And if you listen carefully, then you can go to the do phase, which is the phase that I love to live in. And that's where you take [00:12:00] what you heard, you take what you listen to, and you become responsible, reliable, trustworthy, and you do stuff. And you can do stuff between now and next year, or you can do stuff over the next five years, but it's not a race to do it [00:12:15] all the next day.
Aransas: Have you developed rituals, habits, practices around this?
Susan: One thing that I started during the pandemic because I live alone, it was particularly lonely for me because I don't have a partner, I don't have [00:12:30] parents, and I don't have kids. And my dog at the time didn't speak my language. So it was very quiet.
So every morning I would, while I had my coffee, send out three to five texts, WhatsApp, emails, voice [00:12:45] notes, sometimes letters, but it was always three to five. And the goal of those were to do three things. One, find out if people were okay, because it was a scary time. Two, send some love. And kindness out in the world [00:13:00] and three, don't forget about me.
I'm here. And I have kept that now when people hear that they're like three to five every day. Oh my God. But I like to challenge people like three to five a week or one a day. Right. And. I've been [00:13:15] asked, do you have this master spreadsheet that you're going down? No, it's just the three to five people who come to mind.
And sometimes I'll end up in a month doing the same person again and that's fine too. So it's just, it's a ritual and it gives me joy and some dopamine, which [00:13:30] helps me get through my day.
Aransas: I love that. One of our earliest guests was Gina Hamaday, author of I Want to Thank You. And she talks a lot actually about her spreadsheet of groups that she was going to write thank you notes to.
And I've [00:13:45] started a Monday practice and I remind the Uplifter community now each Monday to just follow up because we are so overscheduled and we're so saturated with inputs. But it does feel like so [00:14:00] often we. lose the momentum of connection because we don't hold on to the thread of it.
Susan: Yeah. Well, I'm a big believer in when you do meet people, make new connections that you don't wait to follow up and that you [00:14:15] cite something that you talked about, right?
Instead of just saying, Oh, it was really nice meeting you last night, pick something that you talked about, pick something that perhaps you were both eating at the same time, but something to jog the person's mind. And [00:14:30] you know, it'll happen if you put it off.
Aransas: It just won't get done. What is your process for remembering those things?
Susan: I constantly am writing down things constantly and at the end of every week, I, I sound terribly organized in this, in this podcast interview, I'm not, but it's just, it's funny that [00:14:45] I'm coming across that way. You could be both. But I do, I go through the list and you know, at the end of every week because inevitably things fall off.
And I of course miss things just like anybody else, but I just know like tonight I have to go to an event and I know like I will meet new people, [00:15:00] which is a wonderful thing and, you know, there'll be probably a couple of people I want to continue to get to know or need to follow up with. I will come home and write that down.
Aransas: I think that's so wise. I'm married to somebody who rehearses names before [00:15:15] we go to events. It's really impressive. He's like, so and so's kids and their partner and I was like, and he'll ask me, I'm like, I don't remember. I remember, I can tell you all about how they felt and that very emotional experience when they were seven, [00:15:30] but I can't tell I
Susan: always have to remind people, without having children, without having a partner, without having parents, I do have more time than the average person, and I don't take that lightly.
Like, I always want to make sure people, when they hear that I do the [00:15:45] three to five, they're like, oh my god, I never would have time. I'm not expecting you. I mean, again, I realize I have a bit more of that kind of gray space where I I can handle.
Aransas: say though, my new, I'm going to send everything on Monday follow ups, [00:16:00] it doesn't take me 10 minutes.
No. It's not really a matter of time. It's a matter of, I mean, I have a partner and kids and a pet. The dog takes up more time than anything and [00:16:15] I still find time to scroll. And there is plenty of time wasted. So yes, it is, I think too, our expectation of the time creates barriers from the doing, [00:16:30] right? That we're like, Oh, it's going to take so much time or so much work that we don't do it.
Or we expect ourselves to do it so well that we don't do it. But I'm okay with doing things not great, which helps. I
Music: love it.
Aransas: Like, let's just do it. Exactly. [00:16:45] Okay. So you talk about going to events. We had our first Uplifters live event last year. We'll have another one. Amazing. In March. Oh my gosh. It was amazing.
We brought it together. Where
Susan: did you do it?
Aransas: It was at Caveat [00:17:00] on Lower East Side in Manhattan, and we had a hundred of our guests and audience members together in one room. It was so beautiful. We're going to do it again, March 14th, Pi Day, the day after my 50th birthday. [00:17:15] I hope you'll be there. It's going to be the
Susan: best.
See, I'm writing this down. Oh, yay.
Aransas: I just get such a thrill out of it. Like to me, it's Like, the best day of the year. Well, you created it. It's beautiful. I get to be [00:17:30] immersed in people who inspire me and that is my drug. What a gift. I'm going to cry just thinking about it. I really, really like, for me, is everything.
My daughters come, my grandma, my mom, I mean, it's the best. So, when I talk to women though [00:17:45] about attending the event or even the day of, it was so remarkable how many of us were walking into, yes, a day that we had hopes and excitement about as well as a ton of fear. [00:18:00] It was scary to go be with other people, maybe even scarier in person.
And so I know you, you've done a lot of research and a lot of work to really understand some of those fears [00:18:15] and ways to manage them when we're in social settings where we don't feel like, Oh, this is what I do all the time and I know how to be my best self amongst a bunch of strangers.
Susan: Well, this is where the gather phase can be helpful [00:18:30] because you, it's almost like a mantra of what your superpowers are.
That way when you walk in, you know, you have in your brain and in your body the ways that you shine, right? I think it's really an important thing to do. Two, [00:18:45] we often, not all the time, but we often can find out who's going to be in the room ahead of time. And maybe it makes sense to figure out who it is that you want to track down.
Three, I always suggest find the super connectors in the room, find the people like you and me that would be [00:19:00] open to making introductions. And four, I often will certainly to people who are shy or introverted, think of the power of three, that you're going to, you're going to challenge yourself to just meet three people.
That's it. Three people. You're going to share three things [00:19:15] about yourself and you're going to learn three things. And then you're done, and you can kind of just sit back. And another good kind of wise piece of advice is, because you're asking questions Right? You can then just sit back and listen. [00:19:30] So if you have questions in your back pocket, and you know what those are, and they're about, you know, the goals of the other person, which people love to tell you, by the way, guess what?
You then can relax and just listen. So those are some just [00:19:45] off the cuff tips.
Aransas: It's so good. And what kind of questions? I
Susan: mean, I don't want to walk in and be like, what are your goals for your future? I mean, you know, I would, people would walk away from me rather than engage with
Aransas: me. I wouldn't. I'd be like, oh yeah, let's
Susan: get to it.
Wow. All right. [00:20:00] Noted. Noted on March 14th next year. I'd like to ask questions that will elicit joy, like what's the best thing that has happened to you this week? If you could go anywhere on the planet tomorrow, where would it be? Right? I mean, they're inquisitive, they're light, and they're [00:20:15] not too nosy, right?
You're not impending on people's privacy. And then as you talk, you can go into, you know, what are you hoping to happen in the next year? I mean, something as impervious as that, or if you want, you can just get down and dirty and talk about the food or the wine or [00:20:30] the sparkling water or whatever, you know, is right in there.
Or your
Aransas: outfit. Yeah.
Susan: Yeah. Somebody's eyeglasses. I mean, it never hurts to compliment people, as long as you mean it, right? Obviously, I never want to suggest we be, you know, I [00:20:45] can't think of the word. I can never think of words on podcasts. It's amazing I can even string a sentence together. I'm glad you admit that.
Aransas: I mean, I think we all have those moments, right? And I think part of your process here is [00:21:00] to be honest about that, that we're just human beings.
Susan: Well, you said you are turning 50. I am turning 60 on Halloween. Happy birthday. Believe me, you have a lot to look forward to in your fifties. But one of the greatest things that happens in your [00:21:15] fifties is you finally don't give a, you know, what, which sometimes can be problematic because you don't give a, you know, what about anything.
Aransas: I just thought of a theme, fewer Fs fifty.
Susan: But then what do I get for my [00:21:30] sixties?
Aransas: Yeah.
Susan: We gotta think of that
Aransas: one. Um. Smarter, sexier sixties. There you go. I like that. I like it. So, uh, I noticed for me in events, what is easiest [00:21:45] is to feel like I have a mission, like, give me the name tag job, give me the greeter job.
And so I think that's probably a type. My daughter is like that. She's like, I'll sell your raffle tickets and [00:22:00] I'll talk to anyone if I have. a clear mission. What are some of the other types of people you see when it comes to making these connections? Are there archetypes?
Susan: I mean, you have the [00:22:15] connectors, right?
You have the people that would just walk in and feel completely comfortable moving around and saying hello. I think you have the shy and introverted people. I think you have the voyeurs, right? The people that just walk, right? And then [00:22:30] pounce. And I wish I could be more reserved like that. Those are the people I'm envious of, more than the shy or introverted people.
It's the ones that just have enough cachet just to kind of sit down. I mean, my, always has been my challenge all the way back since childhood, is I'm very [00:22:45] tiny. My license says I'm five foot, so we'll just leave it at that. And the pandemic was wonderful because I got to be six foot in every meeting. But when I walk into crowded rooms, nobody can see me.
And that is something I have had to traverse my entire life, and there's not much you can [00:23:00] do about it. And having, you know, knee issues and foot issues, I can't really wear high heels. Although I did see a funny Instagram video where an artist created these stilts that everybody wore, and everybody then became the same height.
And I said it to my sister, who's [00:23:15] also equally diminutive, and I said, What do you think? And she's like, where are we going to buy them?
Aransas: It is interesting, isn't it? And on Zoom, we are all one size. I think if you're saying no, people don't see you, it [00:23:30] also implies that you must take the lead.
Susan: Well, and I think, um, subliminally years ago to get people to talk to me, I started asking them questions about themselves.
Right? Just so that they wouldn't be looking over my head to [00:23:45] see who was, you know, who's the best, better person to be talking to for all the reasons. But again, those are just, you know, my, my crazy demons in my brain talking to me rather than reality, but it did become something, right? And I, and a part of it also is being just [00:24:00] uniquely curious.
I love to find out what makes people tick. It's fascinating. And, you know, we are blessed living in metropolitan New York City where everyone has a story, multiple stories. Right?
Aransas: Yes. I think that's a really [00:24:15] beautiful way to frame it, Susan. If you are a person who loves people, this is simply an opportunity to know a person.
Yeah. And it actually is cheating yourself if you [00:24:30] stand back and afraid, but I think there were certainly in older generations, at least, and maybe this is because my grandmother was from the South, like her whole thing was people should come to you. You don't go to people.
Susan: I'd still be waiting if that was [00:24:45] the case.
Yeah.
Aransas: Yeah. I mean, and, and I think part of that right is, is wanting to be seen and known and singled out as special. And yet it's also a pretty passive way to live your life. Mm hmm. Completely. [00:25:00] Yeah. And I'm, I'm a little more turned on by this courageous aspect. I'd like to know three things that energize you and three things that deplete you.
Three things that energize me.
Susan: My puppy, [00:25:15] the work that I do on a daily basis, which is social impact strategy and communications and Exactly what's happening right now? Making new friends Learning about people learning what makes them tick and the three [00:25:30] things that deplete me would be the vitriol in today's current dialogue.
I get really down about that. I have to fight to not let it and think of solutions. What's happening with our climate? Okay. That [00:25:45] tends to sap. And anytime something happens to animals, I never as a kid or even as a young adult could never go see like Benji or any film about animals because if something happened, so, you know, that gives you an idea.[00:26:00]
Aransas: Such an empathetic. response. Oh, I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's ridiculous. I got it. I'd say it's the exact opposite of ridiculous. Thank you. It's endearing and inspiring. Thank you. I'm so [00:26:15] glad to meet you. Oh, me too. So glad to connect with you. Thank you, Rancis. I can't wait to meet you in person. Thank you for listening to the Uplifters Podcast.
If you're getting a [00:26:30] boost from these episodes, Please share them with the uplifters in your life and then join us in conversation over at the uplifters podcast. com head over to Spotify, Apple podcast, or wherever [00:26:45] you get your podcast and like follow and rate our show, it'll really help us connect with more uplifters and it'll ensure you never miss one of these beautiful stories.
Mmm.
Music: Big love [00:27:00] painted water, sunshine with rosemary. And I'm dwelling. Not perplexing though. You find it ing. Toss a star in half for beer around. Best love [00:27:15] for relish in a new prime land, a tree in springtime dance. With that, all hindsight, bring the sun to twilight. Lift you up, Wo ah ah, seen ee Lift you [00:27:30] up, Wo ah ah, seen ee Lift you up, Wo ah ah huh noo Lift you up
Lift you,[00:27:45]
lift, you
lift.[00:28:00]
Beautiful. I cried. It's that little thing you did with your voice. Right, in the pre chorus, right? I was [00:28:15] like Mommy, stop
Voiceover: crying. You're disturbing the peace.