¶ Navigating Low Libido in Relationships
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Every high libido husband needs to know these things about his low libido wife . Welcome to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy . So I asked Amy before we jumped on . I said you are a low libido wife , I am a high libido husband , a very high , high , and we still have a great intimate life , right ?
everybody tells me that the older you get , your libido stops dropping libido stops dropping .
I mean starts dropping or starts starts dropping , you're like 48 my mind and your libido keeps going up yeah , when is this supposed to like bounce out a little bit , because I've heard mine's supposed to get better and you're supposed to come down and we're gonna hit some fine middle fairy tan fairy tale I caught balance right .
I caught amy searching on google for diagra no , you didn't and I was like what is going on ?
there ? No , he didn't . He's joking , but .
No , but in all seriousness , we have a great sex life . It takes work .
It takes work , but Amy's a low libido wife .
I'm a very high libido husband , so I asked Amy . I said , all right , this podcast . You are a low libido wife . You need to tell the audience . These are the things that you need to know . These are the things , husbands , that you need to know about your low libido wife .
And so , yeah , okay , he totally put me on the spot . So I'm going to say the first thing I would say is to remind the husbands it's not about you , like not to take it personally .
It's not you , it's me .
It's not you , it's me Honestly . Honestly , though , like sometimes Nick feels like do you love me still ? Do you still desire me sexually , do you ? It's different than when we were first married ? Yes , the answer is yes .
It's just like after having kids , body changes , career changes , like life just throws stuff at you and your body changes and women's bodies especially . There's things that cause low libido and like I don't think you want me to get into all those things .
But I do .
I want to listen to everyone the whole point is like it's not always about you . It's not because we don't love you want me to get into all those things , but I do . I want to enlist everyone . The whole point is like it's not always about you . It's not because we don't love you or desire you . It's literally we're going through some stuff .
Our body has changed . I know that sucks , that sucks .
Especially when you just don't understand .
We don't understand your body . Sometimes you don't understand our body , you know .
Yeah .
No .
I get it , and we as men do take it personally , though . I mean , you know , like , how could you not like this ? I mean , look at this man , how could you not want to just rip my clothes off and make mad , passionate love to me ? So we as men don't understand that right .
No , you don't .
Because that's the way we are Right . We look at you and I'm like , oh my heck , I want to just tackle her right now .
So , um , anyways , we only know what we know or how we think , and that's that's where it really comes down to having that great communication and talking about it , because I just assume that , man I'm , if I'm getting rejected , she just isn't into me , like I am her , or she just doesn't find me attractive , or , um , you know what ?
It's not always about that .
I know me like I am her or she just doesn't find me attractive , or um you know what obviously about ?
that I know , and that's why we're doing this podcast right so attractive .
Staying attractive .
Still important though so what are the ? What are the ? How do we , how do couples resolve that ? I mean , when you say it's not about you , it's me .
I hate to bring up the word we always say called communication , but it literally is that . Like when I say it's , I want you to understand that I love you and I still desire you , I'm still attracted to you . It's not that it's like let's talk about my body , let's talk about why it's changed , what has changed it . This is how I feel .
I want to have your drive . Those conversations are really important because then a husband can say say oh , that makes me feel better , because sometimes I worry that you feel this way . Well , that's not accurate . So please don't assume . You know , yeah , it's not good to assume in marriage .
So this is one of those subjects where people can really start to assume like maybe she's just not into me anymore , maybe she just is falling out of love with me , or maybe I'm not romantic or like whatever that is .
Sometimes it's like no , literally like my mind's a mess or I'm tired or stressed , like all those reasons like sometimes you just need to have the conversation yeah , so that's , that's the reason .
So , obviously , what's the solution ? Because we can understand the reasons , all we want , but if there's not really a solution or or a way to work things out or find that balance , what you know we can . We can know all the reasons , all we want , but there has to be like figuring out so what .
I guess what the question is is we have a I feel like we have a really good intimate life so it takes prioritizing . So what do you do ? Even though you feel that way and many other wives feel that way , what are things that you do to maybe prioritize or still make sure we have a good intimate life ?
I have to self-dive a little bit and think , okay , well , maybe we can talk about the solution at the end , because there's a couple other things I want to talk about that kind of have to do with the solution . Okay , so this solution , for it's not about you , it's not your fault , the more little about this .
That solution is going to be the communication , like having this task and being open about it , like it's not about you . I'll tell you why .
Okay .
That's the solution . So my next reason for to tell husbands like I have low libido , you have a high drive . The next reason goes , goes with . It's not about you . The next reason is like I'm literally stressed , I'm literally exhausted and my mind is a mental disaster .
Now not a disaster , but some days we have so much on our mind and hold on what's going on , what's going on in your life I this is coming out new to me .
You're a mental no . 10 years ago my mind was a mental disaster .
I was carrying all the financial weight on the family . For the family , I was a mental disaster and that killed my drive I will absolutely say that killed my drive .
So if , if there's resentment , if there's something that happened that killed your like , you literally like for women , we have to remember , like our libido is tied , our sex drive is tied to our brain . Our brain is our biggest sex organ , literally .
Like we have to be positive , positive about sex , we have to be positive in the relationship , we have to feel connected . We need all those things mentally to stimulate us before we can even get aroused or even want to Right .
For sure .
So sometimes it literally is I'm stressed , my mind is taking over . I'm exhausted , like a lot of moms are like .
I'm physically exhausted for a man you could be stressed out . Sexual fix that like it . For a lot of men , for a lot of men it's a cure , right , or especially , I know , in times when I'm stressed out , that's the times I really want to connect exactly , and we're opposite .
Most women are opposite .
Most women are how in the world do we make it ?
I know , I know right , this is the biggest test Exhausted from raising kids , I mean . A lot of men will be like , well , I go to work and have a laborious job all day and you just hang out with the kids all day . Exhaustion doesn't just come from physical labor , though .
It can come from mental exhaustion like overthinking , over scheduling , and yeah , that can be a woman's fault . A lot of those things could be a woman's fault , but there are all sorts of types of exhaustion so we have to take that into accountability .
Just because we're different or we're doing different things to our day doesn't mean our spouse hasn't been exhausted , right ?
well , we just did a podcast on making love in the morning because because of that reason because of that reason , getting exhausted , we're in the morning , you're fresh and we're going to . Right , we're going to test that out . We're going to test that theory .
During summer it's very needed . When I say your mind is kind of a mess , it's because , yeah , some of it's self-inflicted .
Like sometimes women are really good at over-scheduling , overdoing it , signing up for too many things , trying to work and run a home , and they don't dish out responsibilities enough around the house or they don't tell their husband , they just try to take it all on and they get upset .
Or I mean there's lots of reasons , right , like some of it is self-inflicted , some of it's not . But we can do a better job of like . Okay , how do I calm my schedule down ? How do I not sign up for as much to do ? How do I make it so I'm not so exhausted at night ? And that would be a solution for this .
One is talking once again communication , but also self-reflecting . Like am I causing this ?
So so we did a poll a while back and we asked the question is sex a want or need in marriage ? And I think 99% of both husbands and wives said it's a need .
So it's a need , because if you don't have in , if you're not intimate in your marriage , then you're just another roommate situation . You're just friends , right ? That's what keeps you lovers and not just room .
So , as a low desire spouse , do you still feel that sexual intimacy is a need in marriage ? Like do you ?
and that's the thing I think I think most women want to have an intimate marriage . I think most women want to have a higher libido . I think most women would love to feel like they're so in love with their husband that they would love to just go make love , like I think most women would love to have that desire . It's just our bodies .
Our bodies and our minds don't really work like theirs . Like , if we're low on testosterone or our hormones are kind of whacked out or off balance , we don't have something in our body telling us that we need to be physical right .
Yeah .
We don't need that release but we do want that connection . I think I think most women that feel loved and taken care of and like they have that good , healthy masculine feminine balance in the marriage where they're just really compatible and really feel that love , I think most women really really desire to have a higher libido .
just a few things need to be done to get there yeah , I think you're right right so in my situation I did get my my test done and my hormones came back normal , like my levels were pretty normal . I probably need to do it again , make sure it was accurate . But for me I can honestly say it's more mind .
It's more mind Like my body works when I want it to , when I put my mind to it . And I think a lot of women get to a point where something's going on in the relationship where they don't really care to put their mind as super positive because something else is going on .
Well , if your mind is truly your biggest sex organ , then what are you putting into your mind , right ?
Right .
And I think that you hit a great point , because if it is your biggest sex organ and your attitude is like I hate sex , I don't want sex , and you keep telling yourself that you're never going to enjoy it , but if you're telling yourself , I really , I really want to enjoy sex , and you're open to trying to figure out , you know , or , or , like you said ,
even just mentally saying how do I get in a mentally good state of mind so that I can enjoy it or or crave it more , more . I think it's so important to recognize what are you feeding your mind with ? Um , how do you feel about sex ?
Because that's really going to dictate , um , like I said , whether you even try to have the desire to be in the mood or not for sure , for sure .
uh , the next thing I want to say to husband nick nick asked me , like what are the three things that you would want to say to a high drive husband if they had a low drive wife ? My next thing would be , like , be patient with me . I'm trying , like literally , be patient with your wife .
Like , like I just said , I think she probably wants to have a really good
¶ Understanding Intimacy in Marriage
relationship . She probably wants to be wanting it she wants to be wanting it . I think deep down inside , because a lot of men are like women just don't want sex , they just don't care I think we deep down inside really do want to be intimate .
I mean , there's a reason we watch chick flicks and romance comedies and stuff like that Like women are , they crave that romance and they crave that intimacy . We just can lose it easier .
Just not with my husband .
No , that's horrible . I , I'm joking , I'm totally joking .
I'm totally joking . I'll edit that out . I was making a joke um not a joke so they want that with their husband .
They just need to get that passion back in their marriage to want that , and that is going to look different to every relationship . Of course she wants to crave her husband .
Of course she wants to well to have those feelings of I want to be intimate with you the reason why I made that joke is because you could see a lot of husbands being like yeah , she likes watching chick flicks and she likes this but she still doesn't want to make love .
Yeah , why ?
why is she wanting those things but not me ? And so ?
she probably does want you . I'm saying there's a barrier of some kind , like maybe you need to have the communication where , um , okay , maybe the household roles are not feeling equal to her and she's not wanting to do scorekeeping , but she's literally exhausted from feeling like she takes care of everybody . That's a real thing .
I did that for years and there was a lot of resentment there , a lot , it's a real thing she might not feel as attracted to you . I mean , men say it . Why can't women say it ? If you've let yourself go , it's the same thing . We're visual too . Like you can say it all day long that women aren't visual . Absolutely they are .
They're just as visual as you are , Maybe not in the whole nakedness area . Like I don't know . Women are like I want to see that you know . Like I don't know when they're like I want to see that you know what I'm talking about . Nobody wants to see that top hat . Absolutely . Women are all for that . Take care of yourself .
Um , hygiene , I've had a lot of women comment and and message us and be like my husband . Hygiene's awful , it grosses me out .
That's not okay yeah that's not okay you're saying I need to shave , or that's not hygiene .
That's a beard . There's a great um . Brush your teeth , take care of your body , shower , I mean . Those kind of things are like common sense , right , common sense , common sense , um , just , I could go on and on . There's probably a reason why she's not feeling romantically connected to you , and that's gonna take a deeper conversation .
But this one was about I'm trying Please be patient with me . You know , hold on . You got to work as a team To figure out the hormones , to figure out the imbalance , to figure out why you're so off in your desires . Like it's gonna take time to get your hormones tested . You need to be patient with her .
You need to be like okay , I realize that you've had kids . Like so many men are just like well , as soon as kids came , or drive just got just lost .
That's what do you have any idea ?
what your body , your women , woman's body , just went through multiple times to have children , Like it does , it makes , it takes a big toll . It changes everything in our body .
So I so I love that you hit on that because we did a podcast 258 , why it's the Low Desire Spouses to Fix the I Don't Want or Like to have Sex Issue in the Marriage .
I think that's an important episode . I added , or is it at the bottom of that ?
Oh , she did , I added , or is it ?
because sometimes it's not always their fault .
No , and I'm not saying it's a fault , but I'm saying if you are a low desire spouse , I'll go listen to podcasts . But if you are a low desire spouse like , instead of just saying , ah , I don't want it too bad , Like you got to figure out why .
Just like Amy said , if you have low testosterone or there's an imbalance or something like , why would you not want to find that out so that you can make your marriage an intimacy marriage ?
I can ask you . I can tell you why Because it's not affecting us . It's affecting your husband and that's where it leads us to the next one . It's like if it's important to your spouse , it should be important to you , and this goes both ways .
If you're not feeling like being intimate , but your husband's craving that and needing that , you can't say it's not a need . Absolutely . It's a need to a man , absolutely . It should be a need to a woman . I wish our bodies were built like that . It'd be great if it was a need for us .
¶ Improving Intimacy in Marriage
The whole point is that's going to cause a lot of disconnect .
Disconnect absolutely , it's going to cause a ton of disconnect .
Is it the person's job , is it their problem to go fix it ? No , it's both of your problems to go fix it . That's the whole thing . Like if , if the spouse is having a low libido , wants to have a high libido , come together as a team and be like , okay , I understand that your body's changed , let's be , I'm going to be patient with you .
I want to help you . Let's go get something checked , like so so I get it .
But a husband's . All the husbands out there , or the low desire , are thinking okay , be patient . What does that look like ? Does that look like a week , a month , a year , 10 years , 15 years ?
that doesn't mean that you're not having sex . That doesn't mean that your wife is just like hold on a few years , I'll get it back . That's , yeah , good point . Good point . Patient means like let's have this conversation , let's try to fix it . Be patient that I'm not initiating all the time .
I think a wife should still prioritize being intimate and still figure out ways to enjoy it , even if her body isn't craving it all the time . In a good marriage it's loving and it's connecting , and most of the women that we pull agree . So when I say be patient with me , it's be patient that I don't initiate .
Be patient that sometimes you have to remind me to initiate . Be patient that you know it's not going to be maybe that night , but maybe it could be the next night , like healthy rejection kind of stuff right Absolutely . Maybe be patient , that I don't want it every other night , but maybe I wanted a couple .
I'm willing to get in the mood a couple nights a week , Like that's what I'm talking about when I talk about patience right , yeah , no .
I think that's good to clarify , because yeah , I think a lot of lower despair spouses were like what is , what does that mean to me ?
and I think to be patient is more . What I'm saying is like a lot of husbands start getting angry over this , for sure anger .
Anger is the first thing that's going to kill your wife's libido , like she does not want to make love with someone that's angry , like an angry husband is not a turn-on but okay , and I understand that you can get upset if you're denied . I'm not talking about rejection .
I'm just talking about don't throw a tantrum if she doesn't want it that night and she wants to wait a night , or if she's not in a mood and it takes her an hour to get in the mood or I'm talking about getting upset because it doesn't work exactly how you want it .
Yeah , yeah , does that make sense ? Yeah , yeah , I was gonna say I was going to say it's normal for a husband that has a strong sex drive to get rejected time after time , to get frustrated and upset .
He's going to get frustrated .
Yeah , he's going to take that personally .
Okay , but there's a difference between getting frustrated and wanting to talk about and trying to resolve it , versus getting angry about it . Oh for sure , agreed , because if you got angry that I rejected you . I would be like we're done , like that would turn me off so fast . I'd be like I don't even want to know .
I don't even know if I want to do it this week Because the fact that you literally just got angry about it Like because anger from a man or a wife , yeah , yeah , yeah .
It's not a pretty thing question that everyone's wondering . Okay , so , like I said , I'm a high desire , you're a lotus fire desire . We make it work and it works great . Why does it work great ?
because I prioritize it , because I realize it's important and I've learned how to enjoy it . Because I've learned how to enjoy it , it's not because my body is like go be intimate . You really want to be intimate . Oh , you totally just desire being intimate right now . My , my body does not tell me that . I've had to learn what feels good .
I've had to express it to Nick what feels good .
And we've had to implement a few toys or a few things into our marriage to help me learn what I love so that I can enjoy it all the time . I think you hit on a key that a lot of husbands or a lot of desired spouses are probably wanting to know . A lot of husbands or low desire spouses are probably wanting to know which is amy doesn't have .
She's not gonna have the spontaneous desire to be like oh , let's go in the bedroom babe yeah , but and most women don't and most women don't . but she recognizes now that if hey , I know I'll get in the mood and I know I can get in the mood quickly and I know that this can really help make it enjoyable .
And once I get in the mood , it'll be enjoyable , right . So her mind is open to it , to it right . Even though she's not , even though she's not like pulling me in the bedroom , she knows that her mind's open to it and that she's going to enjoy it Because again we found something that works for us as far as like pleasure .
But , and the men that are listening to you right now are thinking how do I get my wife to ? Have a positive mindset like that Right my wife doesn't feel like that . My wife doesn't have a positive mindset about that . That leads me to the next thing I want to say to the husbands .
This is what a lot of wives are thinking that maybe just don't want to express it to you , and it's I need more romantic connection . I need more romantic connection . I need more emotional connection . Or I'm just flat out bored and I'm not talking bored in the bedroom , I'm talking boredom is a real thing for everyone , right it .
It can be outside the bedroom , it could be on date night , it can be . I'm bored with the same life in general the same routine every day , taking care of everybody around this house , and I'm just bored with that .
Like that's a real thing too , especially like at our age , like midlife crisis kind of age , right well , okay and this is important because , like , if you really want your wife to get there mentally where she , like you , want her to crave , that you gotta kind of realize that you have to be the leader and you have to kind of be the same guy you were when
you were dating . If you want her to be the same , you have to be the same first .
I just fully believe that yeah , and most husbands agree it's good advice , good advice do you agree ?
so boredom outside the bedroom was to be like maybe you could plan a fun date night for this week and maybe you could do something spontaneous or take her on an overnighter and get her away from her daily tasks .
I was going to ask like so I know for men like when we go on overnighters or do something different , like we are just like it's . We love being intimate , right , most men are like oh they take their wife on an overnighter they just want to have sex . They , they want to have sex .
Yes , does that work for a little bit of wife , like when we go somewhere new , somewhere exciting , when we were on vacation . Does that put you in the mood to I ?
think it depends on the situation . I think it still depends on is he doing this just to get sex or is he doing this because he literally wants to go spend time , go do something fun with me ? If you're just taking her to a hotel , to a bedroom , she's going to know , to the hotel hotel room she's gonna know exactly what the motive is .
I know , but the whole point of this conversation was like go do something fun . Go take her to an awesome . Go go plan a picnic , go take her on an amazing hike , if that's what she like . Go do something that she would enjoy and show her that you're thinking about her and not yourself .
That's what I'm talking about when , like , I need more emotional connection or romantic fun . Go do something in your life that she wants to do , not just because you want something . And I think I think a lot of men miss that and they're like oh , here's some flowers or here this . Like think deeper , think like what is going to be really meaningful to her .
That's going to make her feel super emotionally connected . What were things that we did when we were dating that we don't do at all anymore ? Like how do I bring that back , that spark back into our relationship ?
so this is , this is gold , right ? This is a really good podcast because , again , you are a low desire spouse , I'm high desire spouse . We make it work and I think it works we make it work , and I think it works good .
But I think it's important and I because there's a lot of other low desire spouses and high desire spouses that need to hear what you're saying so that they can make it work as well .
And it takes a lot of conversation and sometimes there has been rejection and sometimes there has been resentment in this area . A lot of couples this is a really hard topic that I don't want to bring it up again because she just gets upset about it .
Like if your spouse is getting upset about something , there's probably a deeper reason and needs to be talked about even more . Like you can't be in a good marriage that you want to be more intimate and then just sweep stuff under the rug and think it's going to get better . It doesn't work like that right .
Like we've had these talks and these imbalances in our marriage a ton of different times and we have to be like , okay , what's the real reason ? Okay , why don't you enjoy being intimate ? I mean , that day I said you know what it feels good for you for 30 full minutes and it feels good for me for 30 seconds . That's just not really worth the effort .
That's how honest you have to get . And he's like , oh my gosh , that makes sense . Now , how do we fix that ?
and we figured out a solution , right yeah we figured out a solution and and thank you for saying 30 minutes .
That's very , it's a very long time but the whole point is is like if , if something's causing a barrier in your marriage , you have to break that barrier down .
You can't be like , well , we'll just let it keep building higher yeah let's ignore it , because she's going to get mad if I bring it up , or he's going to get mad if I bring it up , like if it's a problem and you both want a passionate , intimate marriage . You have to fix that problem .
And why do we always talk about sex ? Because it's a big problem for a lot of people , because it's a big problem and it's so important right , there's a lot of things I think your marriage could survive without . Sex is not one of those things for one , for one person .
It's not going to be . It's not going to be okay but I , I would .
I would bet , and I could be wrong , and I know I don't want to try it . No , I don't want to test it , but I would bet if , if I had desire , you would crave sexual intimacy , probably Because we always talk about how , if you're not getting something or your spouse doesn't desire something , then all of a sudden you're like well , why are they ?
Why don't they want me anymore ? Yeah , why don't they want me ? Yeah .
So we've seen that before .
So again , I don't want to test that theory .
I have no desire to test that theory . I have no desire to test that theory . We'll just pretend that's the theory .
But we hear from a lot of high drive wives where the husband's always rejecting the wife .
It's devastating for them .
It's devastating for them because they're missing that . Yeah , they're missing the sexual intimacy . So you can't say no wife wants to be sexual , because there's plenty of high drive wives that are like I would crave to have that , but they're missing the emotional intimacy .
Also , you know , and a lot of husbands that are the higher drive , they're given all the emotional they possibly can because they want to be intimate where the high drive wife is missing everything , like there's just a super big barrier there . So it's just important . Those are the four things that I came up with .
But if your wife is a low drive spouse , I would do exactly what Nick said and said what do you want me to know about this ? Like , how do you feel about this ? Like this is how it's affecting me . How is it affecting you ? I know you . I know you want a passionate marriage , because it was passionate when we first got married . What happened ? What's ?
going on with your body ? What's going on with your mind ? How ?
can's going on with your mind . How can I help you ? It's not just about me . It's about I want our relationship to not just be another roommate relationship . I know you want us to be passionate too .
How do we get there ? And that's the thing is , I can't hit on enough . Sex is not just about one person , the higher desire spouses needs . Sex is truly between a couple . It's something that both of them need , so to speak , whether realize it or not . But like sex can't just be done with one person , the high desire spouse .
Not in a loving marriage , it's so important this is such an important topic , such an important subject , such an important thing to find a balance , a good balance , in your relationship . I mean it's sad to see how many marriages that are in sexless , marriages that otherwise could have phenomenal relationships and get along great and be happy .
But because this one important thing is not prioritized or not important to the low desire spouse , you see marriages fall apart . It's a really sad thing For sure . So many marriages fall apart over this one thing a lack of sexual intimacy , Anything else to add
¶ Improving Sexual Intimacy Through Communication
Nope . Any other gold to add Nope , all right . Well , you heard it . You heard from a low-desire spouse . Hopefully this can be a beneficial podcast episode . Go and have those conversations with your spouse . Talk about sex . If you have a hard time talking about sex , go to the app . Get the conversation starters or the intimate conversation starters .
Start having these conversations . It's the only way that your sex life , your relationship , your connection is going to get better . So if you have any questions on any of the products or anything that we have in our shop , feel free to message us . We're here to help . We truly have some amazing products that really can transform your sexual intimacy .
So just like they have ours , right . So let us know . If you have any questions , we're here to answer them , and until next time ,