244. How Running Or Hiding From Your Marital Issues Only Compounds Them And Makes Things Worse

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Amy is just over there smiling , but I think what we're talking about is a lot of times couples have things that they just really avoid talking about because they don't want to get into an argument , they don't want to cause conflict , they don't want to have it turn into something worse .

Or it could be because they don't want the other spouse necessarily to know what's going on . And if you think of a lot of the serious issues that couples potentially have whether it's infidelity or financial issues or debt or issues in the bedroom a lot of the times is because they just kind of run from the problem or hide from the problem .

They don't want to talk about it . But not talking about these things can make things even that much worse in the long run and end in disaster .

And so anytime we talked about financial issues , I didn't want to talk about it because it just caused an argument , and so , for me , I was just like I don't want to talk about it . Right , I would shut down the conversation .

But in the meantime , I'm making financial decisions and putting us in debt and doing things that have a huge impact on our marriage , our future , different things like that .

But it was so again , it was one of those ways for me of just running and hiding from this issue and recognizing not at the time , understanding the implications we would have over time , recognizing that by doing that , things just got worse , worse and worse with everything . Wouldn't you agree ?

You could have a spouse that loves spending money and another spouse that is more of a saver . Obviously , the spouse that's spending money isn't going to want to deal with the issue or talk about it with the spouse who's a saver , because that could really cause a conflict or create a situation where maybe they couldn't go spend as much money .

So it would be really easy for a spouse in that situation to just go purchase stuff and just go do things and not say anything and obviously , if they're not having that communication in the relationship , that debt could continue to just get more and more and more and more until it obviously becomes a real big issue .

So yeah , and I think that you're right , most couples , I bet there's a spender and a saver maybe not extreme , I'm sure there's extreme ones , but there's probably more . I mean , even if you're off just a little bit in this area , you're probably going to have some pretty big disagreements , right .

Therefore , we're just going to sweep it under the rug , so to speak , or run from the problem or just not talk about it , because in a way , in a lot of ways , it is so much easier just not to deal with it and not let it be a problem or become a problem with your thinking .

It's just so much easier to just ignore it , say I'll take care of it or we'll figure it out , or almost sometimes , even try to hide it from your spouse , I guess .

What if we come up with like a monthly allowance that we're going to spend this amount of money on this or what have ?

That's what marriage is about is compromising and finding a good balance , because you are , in your marriage , gonna have so many things that you see differently on , and finances could be a big one .

I mean you could have a spouse that grew up just in a family that maybe didn't have a lot of money and they really saved , and then another spouse where they just were shopping 24 seven , and so you bring two people together and they grew up with those different experiences . You can see how it'd be hard to have those expectations and manage that .

We need to find a good balance between the both of us . You can't just expect your spouse to never go anywhere or spend any money or do anything . Right , like there's gotta be that healthy , healthy balance to where you're able to live .

Also , and if you're on a really tight , tight , strict budget right now , maybe as a team , you figure out like we're gonna have to take a side job or I'm gonna have to do this on the side , or is this important ? Would you , in order for this lifestyle to be like this , do one of us need to get it a part time ?

Like whatever that looks like in your relationship , it needs to be talked about , right ?

So , for example , let's just say you have a spouse that spend in a bunch of money and maybe she or he doesn't recognize that there's not that much money coming in and just putting it on the credit card and expecting that , oh , we'll get it paid off , and that just continues to accumulate to a point to where then it becomes insurmountable and it's not something

that can be taken care of . And we've actually had experiences with that with some people we know , which we'll share here in a little bit not to get off subject , but yeah , it can be detrimental . So it's so important to just sit down and , like Amy said , just say okay , how do we come to a compromise ?

What can we do to allow you to spend the money , or some of the money to get the things that you want ? But we also were able to put away some money for saving or things like that .

I think it's really important to sit down and be like this is what our bills and financial situation looks like , so that both people are aware 100% of what's going on , what's coming in , what's going out , what's being saved , what's being spent . So both people are very like .

Just a quick example like me , growing up , my dad had a business , worked another full-time job , paid all the bills , was an amazing provider , but my mom he took care of everything . So I don't think my mom bless her heart , she was an amazing mom .

I don't think she had anything to do with a lot of the financial situation , I think he just took care of her . And so it's important , I think , nowadays to really be on the same page together with what's going in , what's coming in and what's going out , because I think that could really help the whole situation .

And the first question we ask is well , have you talked about it ? And the answer , 90% of the time or more , is well , no , it causes an argument . Every time we've tried to talk about it , it causes an argument . So I just stay away from it and accept that that's the way it's going to be . And these , these spouses are just dying .

I mean , they're they're it's really sad to hear . They're so scared to talk about it because it causes an argument or an issue , but yet they're suffering so much that that suffering is only going to last so long , to the point where you know something's going to happen , right , right , so you know .

I think it's so important um again to , in this situation , to just you have to sit down as a couple and really discuss these , what your expectations are when it comes to sexual intimacy and what you can do to have better sexual intimacy in your relationship .

And I think , I think for a lot of cases , the other spouse , the lower-desire spouse , may not know , uh , really , the impact or how bad things are for the higher-desire spouse , because the higher-desire spouse just is like I'm not going to talk about it anymore , I'm not going to bring it up .

It just causes uh too many , um too many issues and they're they're more afraid of getting rejected than they are of just not trying anymore . But again , going , going on over time , this is going to compound and eventually lead to potentially infidelity , or you know divorce , or you know something .

The problem's going to compound and get worse and worse and worse until , like I said , you end up , uh , in a marriage to where you're so disconnected that , um , you're in a roommate marriage , yeah .

I'm not going to understand that if I don't have that and I have low drive , he's not going to understand what that's like we . That's where you have to get vulnerable and really discuss like this is what it feels like to be like this . This is why it's important to me . This is why it's important to me that we find a good balance Like that .

Those conversations need to be had .

My parents , um , I virtually had no rules and and could do what I want , and Amy's parents were more strict , which was probably a good thing .

But I think we we grew up so differently that obviously our parenting styles or the way we look at things can sometimes differ and and you know , obviously just ignoring , ignoring that um could really create problems as well .

This is what happened , this was good , this was bad , like . And then we come together and came up with like , okay , where do we find a common ground where boundaries are set , where , okay , this was negative because of this , so maybe we try not doing that and do more of this . Like that takes some serious conversation .

And when you find that balance , like , yeah , your parents are probably too lenient , mine were probably too strict , I rebelled because of that . You were really good , because you weren't pushed Finding that middle ground . And like , okay , you know what , let's try it . And it's important to remember there's no parenting manuals , right .

So like we're all just kind of winging and doing the best that we can , but if you have each other's back , it makes parenting so much easier .

I think the way this could , like I said , go really wrong and how spouses tend to maybe sweep things under the rug or ignore things is if you had different parenting styles and because you're different parenting styles , you're disciplining your kids different ways , and that you know oh yeah , you can have a sleep over and the other spouse saying absolutely not , you

could see how that could cause a lot of disconnect to where one spouse finally just says well , all right , I'm not , I'm just I'm going to ignore it , not worry about this . That can lead to a lot of conflict , obviously between a couple .

So , like Amy said , just having having those discussions and making those decisions together is vital and , even if you don't fully agree , backing each other up and supporting each other really is the key .

I had a good friend in high school and he was telling me the story about how , you know , they did pretty well financially and one day the spouse went to the gas station and tried using the credit card and the credit card didn't work . And they're thinking what in the world ? Why is my credit card not working ?

And , you know , tried another one and you know that didn't work either . So he went home and he's like what in the world ? So he started doing a little bit of digging and found out that all the credit cards were maxed out and the home had leans against it and all these things .

And the other spouse had a gambling addiction that the spouse didn't know about . And make a long story short .

This addiction , you know , obviously probably started out small and probably got into a little bit of debt and thought , hey , I'm , you know , I'm not , I'm gonna ignore this problem , I'll work it out , I'll figure it out , and didn't say anything to the other spouse . Well , make a long story short .

Obviously I don't know the full extent , but they had tons of credit card debt pretty much maxed out their house . I don't remember if they lost their house or almost lost their house . Point I'm trying to make is this addictive behavior almost caused them to lose not everything , not only everything they had , but also their marriage .

So you know , when dealing with addictions whether it's a gambling or pornography or you know something like that- social media social media , you know , rather than , just , you know , running from that problem and thinking it'll resolve itself , or keeping it from your spouse , ignoring it so important to talk about those things together with your spouse .

I mean just this gambling , you know , scenario . If the spouse would have talked to the other spouse , said , hey look , here's what I've done . We're now , you know , $5,000 in debt or $10,000 or whatever that is I needed . We needed to figure out a way and work together on this .

It could have probably really avoided from turning into a really massive and big problem . Right , and that's the point we're trying to make is , rather than running from the problems and letting them turn into much bigger problems , really talking about them as a couple .

But the problem with ignoring it is that resentment can build up over time and time and time and turn into something where it's just Ready , you know building up that pressure , just ready , ready to explode , and by the time it explodes it could be too late absolutely Mm-hmm . Any thoughts on that ? I mean , we've kind of dealt with that a little bit right .

Talking negatively , I mean the scent , the tone of voice that you use , getting frustrated , being impatient , those cause wedge . And and the deeper your wedge goes , the bigger the crack comes . I mean that that gap and then the sexual intimacy gets cut off , like we always talk about .

So keeping your emotional Intimacy and connection strong is just , it's just key , and that just it takes time . It takes all those simple things we talk about all the time .

not . I think this too is an area like you said . It's pretty calmer , but it's really easy to just ignore things and say , oh , you know what , it's not a big deal , I'll just deal with it . And then another problem happens . And another problem happens and you don't .

You just sweep it under rug , you don't address it , you don't talk about it , thinking that Hopefully things will get better . But actually things get worse and worse and worse and build up to a point to where you're just like Can't take it anymore , so someone's eventually breaks in the marriage right .

Yeah , so again just really having those tough conversations and talking about everything you know and I think to just continue to have date nights and and Really trying to connect Emotionally and keeping those good , that good communication going . And the final one is unresolved conflicts . I think this kind of goes hand-in-hand with what we just talked about .

So it's important to just never even try to hide it , like if you're , if you're open and clear about all these things from like Right , when it starts happening , then you are causing , so You're , you're keeping from causing all this down the road pain , right . Yeah and heartbreak .

The point we're trying to make is , if you're just ignoring those things and sweeping them under the rug or running from those issues , thinking that , hey , if we just avoid them , things will be better , you're making a big mistake , because eventually those are gonna turn into much bigger problems and bigger issues , and sometimes , often , like I said , when it almost

becomes too late .

something from one of these things that we just talked about . It's gonna be hard for you want to go up to hug , hug your spouse and say I love you . Like that becomes hard . Wanting to go on a date night when you're not feeling connected at all , that's hard .

You just made date night , which should be an exciting thing for the both of you , and romantic and connecting . That's hard , because nobody wants to go on a date with someone , just the two of you , and look at each other and be like we are having resentment between us , right ?

Or or helping each other out when there's any kind of resentment or unresolved conflicts . It's just like those simple things get hard , that you make them hard and those are the kind of things that you can't let go of or your marriage will not make it . So it's just super important to .

I mean , when we talk about , like coming back from conflicts and really connecting and not sleeping on a long time and giving silence to men , all those kind of things . They're important because when you're in conflict or unresolved conflicts , you are going to stop doing those little things that keep you together .

So I guess our challenge to you this week is , if there's anything that you kind of feel like you've swept under the rug or you're ignoring in your relationship or maybe almost hiding from your spouse , sit down , have a good , open and honest conversation with them and address the issue before it becomes too late , because eventually it might be too late .

We got like Nick was saying at the beginning , like we got to a point , we were like at a breaking point and it was like we had to turn the switch on , like we literally have to start over tomorrow fresh , throw everything out , fix everything , heal , forgive , start fresh or we're not going to make it . And sometimes it takes that in marriage .

We'd love to hear from you and love to hear topics and things that you also want to hear as well , and future podcasts . So let us know what you think .