S2 Ep3: The Play's the Thing

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Hey, Rufus? I mean, Rupert? Yeah, Amir? Are we almost there? Just a few more miles. You've been saying that for days. Well, I'm sorry, but as the name implies, the hinterlands aren't exactly close. But I'm so bored. There's nothing to do on this stupid road, and you won't let us stop and have any fun. Okay, Amir.

I've explained this a hundred times now. We're not supposed to be having fun. We're supposed to be saving our kingdom. But we've passed like a hundred cows since we've been on this road. Why do we need to go all the way to the hinterlands to get one? What are you talking about? We're not looking... for a cow? We're not. Oh my gosh. Amir, please tell me you haven't already forgotten what we're searching for. Uh, no. I remember. Okay, so what are they?

What are the ingredients we need? Easy. The cow is white as milk, the cape is red as blood, the hair is yellow as corn, the slipper is pure as gold. What? No, that is completely wrong. I don't think it is. I actually made up a song about it so I wouldn't forget. Amir, we are going to the Hinterlands because that is the last known location of the very last unicorn in the world. Right. Yes, a unicorn. I knew it was something you could milk.

Letters, hurry up. We're gonna miss the show. Huh. Looks like there's something happening in the town square. I wonder what's going on. Look, someone's setting up a stage. It must be a troupe of actors. Ooh, can we go, huh? Can we? Come on, we don't have time. Every day we're away is a day... Oh, Kia grows stronger. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Sorry, but we have to keep moving. We can't... Stand right up!

Ladies and gentlemen, don't be shy. Wait a second, you know that voice. No need to shout, there's plenty of room for everyone. It can't be. Barabbas? And there's Cedric. And crazy, too. Okay, now I feel like you're just making up silly names. What are they doing here? Come on, let's go check it out. You mean we get to watch the show? Woo-hoo! Ladies.

Gentlemen, esteemed patrons of the arts, it is with great pleasure and the deepest humility that I, Barabbas the Great, present to you my latest theatrical endeavour, The Two. princes. What? Two kingdoms both alike in dignity in frightening forest where we lay our scene and here do I, Barabbas, wait. To play the role assigned by fate. Though humble actor I may be, I shall today change history. But hark, what sound is that I hear? Methinks I see a prince draw near.

I said, but hark, what sounds I hear? Oh, sorry. Amateurs. Sorry. All right, here I come. Here I come. Rupert am I, Prince of the West. though most would call me quite a pest. I nag and moan all day and night and whine so much Folks run in fright. They really nailed you. They did not. And yet, how strange, how doubly queer another prince doth now appear. I am a mere prince of the east. I huff.

And puff, just like a beast. I've manners none. My smell is bad. A brute like me should be called Chad. That's what I've been saying. But wait, what's that I see ahead? My rival prince? I'll kill him dead! Aha! It's you! Unwelcome sight! Now draw thy sword and we shall fight! Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Sweet princes, wait. Don't slam and thud. Desist your fight. Spill not more blood. For if today you choose to love...

Sweet blessings shall reign from above. Though humble saint, I do know this. No sword is stronger than a kiss. Your words are wise we can't refuse. And after all, what's there to lose? Yes, let us kiss. And come what may, who knows, it just might save the day. What's this, Arcee? Can it be true? The forest fades. The curse is through. Oh, happy day, oh joyous season. And you, Barabbas, are the reason. Ah, thank me not. Gold I abhor, for good deeds are their own reward.

Yet if you wish to give me art, see that my name is ne'er forgot. So it shall be. For all our days, the world shall sing your name. And to those here who watch our play, raise up your voice and with me say, All hail Barabbas, double-blessed, the savior of the east and west. Now one more time so I can hear, raise up your voices loud and clear. All hail for us, double blessed, the saviour of the east and west. You've got to be kidding me.

Thank you, madam. Very kind. Oh, two gold pieces, monsieur. It's too generous. Thank you. Thank you very much. Enjoying yourself, oh saviour of the East and West? Well, well, well, as I live and breathe. Cedric, Crazy Tooth, look, it's our old friend. Hi there, Amir. Big fan. Loved your show. No. No, we didn't. Oh, your highness is too kind. I am touched that our humble spectacle should please so lofty a prince as thou. Totally. I mean, can I just say...

Watching your play, it was like finally seeing myself for the first time. Ah, my boy. Such is the aim of art, to bring to light that which hitherto has been obscured in darkness. Wow, that is so deep. No, it's not. Stop praising him. He's a monster. I can't believe the three of you have the nerve to show your faces in public after what you did. Oh, no, don't be like that.

I know we might have had our disagreements. Disagreements? You wanted to eat us, remember? Your play is nothing but lies. Well, I admit I may have taken a few artistic liberties, but are not lies. Merely truths the world has yet to make beautiful. Wow, yes, yes, yes! Okay, okay, Barabbas, let me make myself very clear. We are not friends.

You are a wanted criminal, and if I didn't desperately need to find a unicorn, I would have you arrested and hauled off to the... A unicorn? Isn't that what brings you boys to town? Why don't you say so? Just head over to your old town and I say, they'll get you sorted. Wait, are you telling the truth? You know they have a unicorn? Yeah, of course. A menagerie is the pride and joy of the hinterlands. Oh. Well, thanks for the tip. What are our old friends for?

Now, if you excuse us, Cedric, Crazy Tooth, and I are heading over to Yarrow Tavern to treat ourselves to a bit of liquid refreshments. Oh, I love liquid refreshments. Well, then come along, my gosling. Can we, Rupert? No, we don't have time. Oh, you always...

Say that. Anytime I want to do anything fun, you say we don't have time. Okay. Fine. You know what? Maybe you could use a short break. You go to the tavern and relax while I search the menagerie, okay? Woohoo! Party time with Barabbas! Ah, that's the spirit. I'll be back in an hour. And Barabbas, I'm warning you if anything happens to a mirror. Fear not, my royal starling. I shall protect him as if he were me own hatchling. Now come along, me mateys.

There's drinks to drink, songs to be sung, and both the night and we are young. All right, let's go. I always thought you looked like a chad. You have that look. Yeah, thank you, man. Of course. Okay, Rupert, keep it together. So what if new Emhyr would rather party with your sworn enemy than save his kingdom? As soon as you break the spell, the old Emhyr will be back. I hope.

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Hello? Is anyone here? I'm looking for the menagerie. Hello? Halt! Who goes there? Um, yeah. Hello? My name's Rupert. I'm sorry to be coming so late, but I was told I might find a unicorn here. Uh, so you're an animal lover, are you? Um, yeah, I guess so, yeah. And does your mind delight in the wonders of the natural world? What? Sorry, can you just step out into the moonlight where I can see you? Then prepare to be dazzled as you tour the greatest collection of animals known to man.

Welcome to Wenseless's Menagerie! Ta-da! Oh, hello. That'll be two gold pieces. Um, for what? For the tour, of course. Oh, okay. Um, is there maybe an adult I can talk to? Why? Well, I kind of need to speak with whoever runs this place. I run this place. You? You're like six. I'm seven and a half. Oh, sorry. No, you just look younger. Well, you look a hundred. Okay, I think you know I'm not a hundred. If you say so, Grandpa.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, please follow the line. The tour is about to commence. Ladies and what? Who are you talking to? Elderly patrons should stay on the path at all times as the park is dark and not all the cages have locked. Okay, look, I don't need a tour. I'm just looking for... Wait, wait, what was... Was that about the locks? Now, on your right, in our first cage, you'll see our collection of rare-winged lions. Are they hiding? Because I don't see anything in there. And on our left.

the world's largest collection of dragons. Keep your distance though, these fire breathing creatures are the deadliest monsters known to man. Okay, that's a tank of lizards. They're babies. Okay, I'm pretty sure they're not. Please do not interrupt the tour. There are no refunds if you are evicted from the park. Look, can we just stop for a minute? And now, ladies and gentlemen. Okay, I'm literally the only person here.

The moment you've all been waiting for. With no further ado, I present The Last Unicorn! That's a goat. That's a goat with a carrot tied to its head. Maybe to the untrained eye, but to the expert, that's a... No, no, stop it. Stop. I'm done, okay? I'm done. I'm done playing this ridiculous game. Hey, are you calling me a liar? Well...

Hmm, let's see. There isn't a single animal in this entire stupid zoo except for some lizards and a goat. So yeah, kid, you're a liar. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, please. Hey, hey. Please don't cry. You're so mean. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. You're mean and odd and your face is a poopy.

Yes, I know. I'm sorry. I have a poopy face. Really, I shouldn't have lost my temper. I just really needed to find a unicorn tonight. It's not my fault you don't have any animals. We used to have the best collection in all the realm. Yeah. Well, that's what I heard. So, what happened? The evil forest. It cut us off from the rest of the kingdom. Then the grown-ups couldn't hunt or farm, and we started running out of food.

Oh no, please don't tell me they ate the animals. I tried to stop them. They wouldn't listen to me. Wait, and the unicorn? The last unicorn in the whole entire world? They say it tasted like chicken. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! What am I supposed to do now? I needed that unicorn to fix a mirror, and without it, there's nothing I can do! This is horrible! I'm sorry, mister.

I didn't mean to lie to you, it's just sometimes if I pretend hard enough it's like the animals are still here, like they're back. It's okay. I understand. You can pretend too if you want. Then maybe you won't be so sad. I wish I could. But I don't think any amount of pretending will ever bring Amir back.

I'm glad someone's having a good time. Oh, Rupert, my boy. All right, pull up a chair. Yeah, for Havis and I have been, like, having the best time here. He's been teaching me the best songs. Okay, here, check this one out. In the kingdom of Herb, it's good manners to birth. There's no unicorn. What? I went to the menagerie, but I was too late.

There's no unicorn. We can't make the potion. Oh, well, great. Quet's over then. This is awesome. Now we can finally read lags. Hey, Barabbas, bring us another round. As you wish, me summer sparrow. Just excuse me for a sec- I need these salad teas. Do you really not care that we've failed? What? Stopping Malkia?

Getting your memories back? Does that mean nothing to you? I mean, no offense, but if I'm being honest, this whole quest has kind of been your thing. My thing? And what? What exactly is your thing? Huh? Drinking and singing songs in a tavern? Hey, hey, don't knock until you've tried it. Besides, this place is awesome.

Have you seen all the animal heads they've got on the walls? So cool. Oh, yeah, because there's nothing more relaxing than having a refreshing beverage while staring into the haunted eyes of some poor dead... Oh. My. Gosh. Amir! What? Over there. Over there. Hanging over the bar. It's a unicorn head. And the horn is still attached. Come on. Barkeep. Excuse me. Hello. Barkeep. Keep your shirt on. I'm coming.

Now, what can I get you? Hello, hi, yes, sorry. Um, this is gonna sound totally crazy, but I really need that unicorn head. You and every other horse lover who trots into town. Sorry, kiddo. That head's not for sale. No, no, no, no, no, no. You don't understand. This is a genuine emergency. I will pay whatever you want for it. No, you don't understand. That right there, the last known unicorn in the world.

I get customers coming from all over to catch a glimpse of the thing. Be out of my mind to sell it. Please. I am begging you. Scram, kid. You're making me angry. And trust me, you won't like me angry. Hang on, Rupert. I've got this. Oh, barkeep! And... Amir! Are you out of your mind? I am Amir, Prince of the East. I huff and snarl just like a beast. I've manners none, my smell is bad, and trust me, you'll not like me mad.

Okay, okay, let's not do anything rash. Amir, what are you doing? Listen up! My friend wants that unicorn, and you're going to give it to him. Otherwise, the next head mounted on the wall will be yours. Yeah, no problem. Take the head. It's all yours. I didn't mean to insult your little friend. That's what I thought. Okay, Rupert, grab the head.

I am so sorry about this. This is not who we are. I promise I'll send you a chest of gold when I get home. Okay, Amir, let's get out of here. Thanks for the hospitality. See you around, losers. Did you see that? I was amazing in there! Amazing? What is wrong with you? What do you mean you wanted the head? I got you the head. Boom. You're welcome. Amir.

What you did in there was so unacceptable. I can't even begin to tell you how inappropriate that was. Dude, relax. We're princes. We can do whatever we want. No, no, we can't. Oh, yeah? Who's going to stop us? Uh-oh. Yeah, uh-oh. Now, unless you want to end up mounted on a wall, I suggest we both run!

The Two Princes was created and written by Kevin Christopher Snipes and directed by Mimi O'Donnell, with performances by Ariel Stachel, Noah Galvin, Catherine Cates, Alfredo Narciso, Richard Kind, Mandy Mazden, and Jonah Fields. Executive producer, Mimi O'Donnell. Senior producer, Katie Pastor. Associate producer, Emar Daniel. Recorded, engineered, sound designed, and mixed by Jonathan Roberts.

Additional sound design and engineering by Daniel Brunel and Armando Serrano Score by Greg Laswell and Bobby Lord The Two Princes is a production of Gimlet Media