S2 Ep1: How to Ruin a Royal Wedding

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Come on, Euphrates. Come on, girl. I know we're close. I can feel it. Ah, look. Up ahead. That must be the cave. We found it, girl. Whoa. What's the matter? Come on, girl. We need to keep going. Lady Cecily's in danger. Fine. You stay out here, but keep your eye out for trolls. No one's ever charted this part of the kingdom before, so for all we know, these caves are swarming with them. Wish me luck.

Are you in here? I knew it. That definitely sounds like a troll. It seems to be coming from right around this. What the heck? Cecily? What, huh? Oh, oh, Joan. What are you doing here? I wasn't expecting you for, like, another hour. Are you all right? Where's the troll? Did he hurt you? Troll? What troll? The troll. that kidnapped you and sent a ransom letter to the castle. Oh, right. That troll. So, funny story. Cecily, please tell me you didn't fake your own kidnapping again.

I don't have to tell you anything when you already know me so well. Ugh! Cecily, come on! This is the third time this month! You know I don't have time to be chasing after you whenever you feel like playing damsel in distress. Oh! so cute and you're angry oh i think that's what i love most about you okay now um i've been thinking over our couple names we could go with sussone but i'm leaning more towards jessily

Oh my gosh, how many times do I have to tell you we are not a couple? Well, not officially, obviously. Right now we're in that will-they-won't-they phase of our relationship. We're so Sam and Diane. Poor Sam and Diane. Oh, Sam the stable boy and Diane the pig wench. I ship them so hard. Cecily, for the last time, you and I, never going to happen.

Besides, need I remind you, when we first met, you were obsessed with Prince Rupert. Ugh, that was ages ago. It was literally three months ago. Exactly! I'm a mature woman now. Okay, you know what? What was that? Hold on! We're coming! Stick close, Cecily. What's a big stone door doing in the middle of a cave? Help me. Come on. Help me slide this bolt. It's too heavy to move on my own. Okay. But for the record, it's totally Captain the Furniture. We just keep...

Thank you ladies for your invaluable assistance. I hope you'll allow me to return the favor with a little advice Run

Castle looks great. I can't believe three months ago. This was nothing but empty countryside and now We've got our own kingdom. The heartland definitely seems to be thriving. I cannot wait for our mothers to see everything we've accomplished. I hope they'll be proud. Of course they will. Look at this place. East and west.

Living together side by side in total harmony? Watch where you're going, you western dog! Blew it out your chimney stack, you eastern pig! Well, almost total harmony. Speaking of moms, tell me the truth. How awful is the wedding outfit my mother picked out for me? Oh, it's not... you know, it's very... Lavinia. There are just so many bows. And ribbons.

And ruffles. Seriously, I'm gonna look like a circus clown who- Calm down. The tailor has plenty of time to fix it before tomorrow. And even if he doesn't, who cares? I'd marry you if you came down the aisle in nothing but a dirty old sack of potatoes and wooden claws. Oh, really? Really. Would you marry me if I were covered in ogre hair and smelled of dung beetle droppings? Oh, yeah. What if I were covered in...

and lizard scales and rat dandruff. Rupert, I would marry you if you turned out to be part hobgoblin and ate spiders for breakfast. That is how much I adore you. Well... You're not so bad yourself. Seriously, I can't wait to be your husband. Well, after tomorrow, you won't have to. True. So. husband to be what's next on our to-do list um let's see up next we have the unveiling of our royal wedding cake awesome

Do we have time to stop by the stables first? I kind of want to check in on Sam and Diane. I have been shipping them so hard, and I feel like this is the week Sam's finally going to make his move. We should probably get to the throne room. We're already ten minutes behind schedule. Well... In that case, last one there is Fish Royce Chamber Pops! Hey, no fair! Ha! Yes! Beat you! I am a... The Invincible! Okay, calm down, Prince Longlegs.

I let you win. Oh, you let me win. You mean like how you let me win at fencing and archery and dancing? Okay, nobody wins at dancing. Not the way you do it. Wow, okay. Wait a second, where is everyone? Shouldn't the baker be here? Ah, there you are, your highnesses. I'm afraid I have some distressing news. Oh no, is it Porridge? Did he flunk out of Dragon Obedience School again? Who did he bite this time? No.

It's about the wedding cake. It seems the royal baker is refusing to make you one. What do you mean, refusing? I've just come from the kitchen. Apparently the baker has decided he cannot in good conscience support this wedding. That's... that's crazy. He's been designing our cake for the last month. I'm afraid he isn't the only one who seems to have developed a sudden reluctance when it comes to your nuptials.

On my way here, I was accosted by both the royal florist and the royal conductor. They too claim they will have nothing to do with tomorrow's wedding. Will you tell the baker and the florist and the conductor that they wouldn't have jobs, let alone lives, if Rupert and I had...

broken the curse by falling in love. So we are getting married tomorrow, whether we have their stupid approval or their cake. Okay, Amir, just stay calm. Let's try to figure out what's going on. I mean, this doesn't make any sense. We've been building this castle and preparing for this wedding for the last three months, and now all of a sudden people have a problem? I mean, something is clearly going on. We just have to figure out what. I think I can shed some light on that.

Who are you? My name is Percy Junior, son of Sir Percy the Bold, the greatest knight to ever defend the West. At least until Queen Lavinia cruelly and capriciously fired him. What are you talking about? My mother didn't fire your dad. He quit. Remember? Because he didn't want to risk his life to save me or the kingdom. Oh, who can remember who did what to whom so long ago? Ancient history bores me. It was literally three months ago. All I know is that since that fateful day, my father and I...

I have been outcast, driven from the West, rejected by the Queen, reviled by the people. And why? All for the crime of our name. In short, we Percys have been... Per-see-cuting. Oh boy. And yet, amidst such Per-se-cution. I never lost faith. Whereas weaker men might have succumbed to despair, I per-see-vered. Wow, he's doing a whole thing. Yeah. You see, your highnesses, after my father passed last month from a sudden bat of troll flu, I knew I...

I had to avenge his legacy. Then it occurred to me. I couldn't be the only person unhappy with the current state of affairs in your little kingdom. I mean, our pure Western nobility forced to coexist alongside Eastern barbarity. Surely I couldn't be the only one who felt things had gone a bit too far. All right, I've had enough of this. Percy Jr., I'm arresting you on grounds of treason. I wouldn't do that if I were you. My associates here are quite willing to die to protect me.

as is this little army I've assembled. Outside are a hundred knights loyal to my father's memory and ready to attack. So I think long and hard about what you do next. Because you can either call off this wedding or we can go to war. Oh, what fun. Holiday invites are arriving and Nordstrom has your party fits covered.

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Thank goodness I found you. We've got some serious trouble on our hands. It's okay, Joan. We're dealing with Percy. No offense, Rupi, but we've got much bigger problems than Percy! How dare you! No one's a bigger problem than me! Oh yeah? Try telling her that.

My my my. Two princes. How modern. Who are you? Oh, forgive my manners. When you've spent the last 18 years trapped in a cave with nothing but cockroaches for company, you tend to forget the social niceties. My name is Malkia, Queen of the Midlands. You may bow. The Midlands? What are the Midlands? Why, this is the Midlands. Everything between the East and the West. But all you really need to know is that I'm back. And this kingdom is mine.

You know, this seems like a private conversation. I'm just going to let you all sort this out amongst yourselves and we can deal with my thing later. Good luck. Dear, was it something I said? Look, I'm sorry. I don't know what's going on here, but I've never heard of any Midlands, let alone any queen. Of course you haven't. Your deceitful little fathers made sure of that. Our fathers? You see, princelings.

Many years ago, there were once three kingdoms. The Kingdom of the East, the Kingdom of the West, and my kingdom, the magnificent Midlands. Your father's greedy... tyrants that they were naturally wanted the midlands for themselves but even with their combined armies they knew they were no match for my powers so do you know what they did it was really quite ingenious

They turned my own people against me, made them fear my magic. They found a sorceress, a deceitful little traitor. And with her help, they imprisoned me in an enchanted cavern. That's terrible. Not as terrible as what came next. You see, when your fathers went to war, my poor realm was caught in the middle, utterly defenseless. And by the time the bloodshed was over, my once proud kingdom, my beautiful... Look, if all of this is true, I am more sorry than I could possibly say. I...

I think we can all agree that our fathers were... they were terrible kings. Definitely. But I don't know what you expect us to do about it now. Amir and I, we were barely able to save the East and West from destruction and this kingdom. The Heartland. It is the first step towards making sure we never repeat the past. It's a new chapter for the East and West and a new beginning for all our people. You have to understand that. Of course I understand.

That's why it would be such a pity if it all came tumbling down. What's going on? What are you doing? Oh, princeling, I'm not doing a thing. This is your father's work. Our fathers are gone! Yes, but when they imprisoned me, they had their witch place a spell on my prison door so that if it were ever opened, then the whole of the Midlands would crumble into the earth. What? I say we have about two minutes before everything and everyone in this castle...

is completely and utterly destroyed. Oh dear, we have to warn everyone. There must be something you can do to stop this. Of course. I've had 18 years to figure out how to counteract this spell. Well then do it! And what do I get in return? What do you want? Oh, let's make things interesting. I'll stop the earthquake and save all your poor, terrified people if one of you darling boys promises to give me... your most prized possession.

What does that mean, our most prized possession? It means what it means. Nothing more, nothing less. Absolutely not. We don't have a choice. It can't be that simple. Don't worry. I promise whatever happens, I'll keep you and this kingdom safe. Tick-tock, boys. Tick-tock. You have a deal. Swear it. Swear on my amulet that you shall willingly part with your most prized possession. I swear. Then my powers, sweet princeling, are at your disposal. Rocks of the earth.

Land at war. Find the peace you knew before. And now, if there are no objections, I'll take my reward. Amir! What did you do to him? Nothing. I simply collected my payment. Amir? Amir, wake up! Speak to me! Oh, thank goodness you're alright. Are you okay? Are you sure? Yeah. I just have three questions. Where am I, who am I, and who are you? What? Oh my.

What did you do to Amir? Why, I've taken his most prized possession, of course. I like you just the way you are. Except when I drive you crazy. No, Fitz, I'm serious. Okay, you can do this. For whatever it's worth, I just want you to know... I see you. Closer? Just a little. Okay, um... How's this? Perfect. I've taken his memories.

The Two Princes was created and written by Kevin Christopher Snipes and directed by Mimi O'Donnell, with performances by Samira Wiley, Mandy Mazden, Cynthia Erivo, Noah Galvin, Ariel Satchel, Sue O'Donnell, Alfredo Narciso and Gideon Glick. Executive producer Mimi O'Donnell. Senior producer Katie Pastor. Associate producer M.R. Daniel. Recorded, engineered, sound designed and mixed by Jonathan Roberts.

Additional sound design and engineering by Daniel Brunel and Armando Serrano Score by Greg Laswell and Bobby Lord The Two Princes is a production of Gimlet Media