S1 Ep4: Life Upon the Wicked Stage

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What do you mean Amir is not here? I'm not sure I can make it any clearer than I did the last ten times I told you. He has to be. Wait. Where's your son? You're not the only queen whose son has run off to the forest to break the curse. Then it's finally happening. Evidently. This is worse than I feared. I have gravely misjudged the situation. I'll say. I'd always believed that despite our differences, it was possible for our two kingdoms to stop the forest. If only we could work together.

When Amir disappeared, I'd hoped it made his way here. to attempt some sort of alliance. And when he didn't come back, you assumed I'd thrown him into a cell and sentenced him to a fate worse than death? Given our history, can you blame me? You always did think the worst of me. And you rarely proved me wrong. Pardon, Your Majesty, but dinner is ready. Shall I send it in? Yes, all right. And while you're at it, send up another flagon of wine. We are both...

in an impossible position. But, Lavinia, I'm not your enemy. Oh, really? And what about that giant warship you've parked in my courtyard? The phoenix is a vessel of peace. I have dedicated the last ten years of my life to building that ship, just so that someday I might be able to traverse the forest and speak with you. Very noble of you.

But people aren't exactly fond of Easterners dropping from the sky. Especially not after all those years of bloodshed. The East still remembers the savagery of the West. But I am willing to pull aside. The past, if it means a fresh start. Believe me, there's nothing more I'd prefer. Good. Then if nothing else, we agree on that. Yes. Only... Only what? According to the prophecy, it's not up to us. Is it?

I know we should probably be suspicious of anything growing in this forest, but I have to say, these roots we dug up aren't half bad. Be careful. That's your tenth one. You're going to give yourself a stomach ache. I know, I know, I know, but I'm starving. I kind of don't even care that they taste like old shoes. Go for him. Calm down. You can have more, too. How much longer is that thing going to keep following us? Okay, first of all, he's not a thing. He's a he. And second...

I didn't want to say anything before, but I'm pretty sure this dragon thinks we're his mama. It's what? Well, we were there when he was born. And we fed it, and I've kind of been playing fetch with it whenever your back is turned. What? Fetch? I'm in the middle of a life or death quest. I don't have time to babysit a monster. Okay, well, this monster saved our lives. So the least we can do is take care of him until he is big enough to fend for himself. You mean until he's big enough to eat us.

He wouldn't eat us. He loves us. Oh, hey, you know what I just thought? We should give him a name. How about Killer? Oh, okay, okay, okay, not killer. How about fireball, spike, rover, thundersnake, fang face, porridge? Really?

Porridge? Okay, I kind of meant it as a joke. I guess we have a dragon named Porridge. You've got to be kidding me. We have the last known dragon in the entire world, and you want to name it after a breakfast dish? It's too late now. We're calling him Porridge. No, we're not. A mirror? He likes it! Then he's an idiot and so are you! Ow! Porridge, no!

He bit me. Your stupid dragon bit me. Calm down. It's just a scrap. That's it. I'm not going to let this thing jeopardize my mission. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? Get out of my way. No. I said get out of my way. No. I don't care if you're a prince or a king or the great wizard who made the universe. You don't get to be a bully just because you're in charge or you didn't get your way.

Now put that sword away, or I swear to Merlin, I'll lead you in circles for so long, you'll be a hundred and two before you reach the hollow. I wasn't actually going to hurt it. Yeah, well, you could have fooled me. And Porridge. Wait, wait, where's... Where's Porridge? How did he get up there? His wings must finally be working.

It's okay, boy. You can come down. No one's going to hurt you. Okay, now look what you've done. You hurt his feelings. You need to apologize. What? Why? Because words have consequences. Now do it. I don't believe this. Sorry, okay? I'm sorry I heard your dragon feelings. Now please come down before you alert every creature in this forest to our exact location. That wasn't very sincere. Well...

What do you want from me? I want you to say something nice. Give him a compliment. Are you kidding me? You. Circles. 102. Fine. You're a very cute dragon. You're cute and loud and you've got really sharp teeth. And I'm sorry I raised my sword to you. I've had a really difficult couple of weeks and I'm hungry and tired and my leg hurts. And on top of that, I'm really worried about my mother.

I'm a prince, and there's no excuse for cruelty, and it's the first thing my mother taught me, and I'm ashamed how quickly I've forgotten that lesson since coming to this forest. So, if you could find it in your heart to forgive me, I'd really appreciate another chance to be the prince my mother would want me to be. To be the prince I... want to be okay looks like somebody forgives you mama

You are the strangest person I've ever met. What do you mean? I mean, I can't figure you out. You're a thief, but you defend dragons. And when I was trapped in that cave, you saved my life. You didn't have to. You could have left me and you should have, but you didn't. You stuck with me. I mean, that was nothing. No. It was something. I guess what I'm trying to say is...

Thank you. Thank you for saving my life. And if after tonight you want to leave me, I won't stop you. But I'm hoping... I'm asking you to stay. Wow. You're a lot nicer on a full stomach. Yeah, my mom says that all the time. Well, apology accepted. So, if I get you to the hollow... Do you really think you can break the curse? I know I can. All right. Then that's what we're going to do. You and me, together. Shake on it? A prince shake hands with a thief?

Yeah, sorry about that. That's okay. Put her there, partner. Well, technically we're colleagues. Okay. And I'm still in charge. Okay. I mean, you still work for me. I'm still your boss. Got it. Wow.

Wait a step on a moment. Well, well, well. Isn't this a cozy scene of domesticity? A mirror? Stay back! What do you want? Apologies for me lack of manners. The name's Marabas. Cutthroat by trade, cutthroat by pleasure. And these two ruck scallions are my business associates, Cedric Strangelove. Hello. And Mum's so crazy to you. And just so there's no further confusion on the matter, you two tasty little duckies are me prisoners. New markdowns are on at your Nordstrom Rack store.

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I demand you release us immediately. This one's feisty. I like when they're feisty. It's always more fun when I turn their kidneys into hats. Now, now. That's no way to treat our guests, not until we've determined their pecuniary usefulness, that is. At least let me kill the dragon. It's been so long since I've killed something. Don't touch him!

Ages since you killed something. Who killed that anaconda in the sand pit this morning? Me. And that giant scorpion in the ravine after lunch, who killed that? Me. And that cute little bunny we found after, too. The one Cedric wanted to adopt. Me. Volume. Ducky. I can't hear you. Me. Right. Then surely, my murderess mate, that's enough bloodletting for one day. No.

What do you want with us? Ah, well, that's the meat and polenta of the matter, isn't it? Normally, when we rob a bloke, our inclinations are inspired towards leaning to see if the fellow makes it worth a while. Financially speaking. Unfortunately, you boys don't seem to have anything that might elicit our better angels. What do you do when your prisoners can't pay for their release? Well...

Those are the situations when I tend to let her crazy tooth indulge herself, if you know what I mean. Hey, but I'm a reasonable man. And a capitalist. I prefer money to violence any day, so I want to give you boys a sporting chance, as they say. We don't have any money. Well, maybe not on you, but those are some fancy clothes.

Makes me think there might be some well-to-do mater or pater back at your homestead. Someone willing to play handsomely to get their little gosling back. My mother would never negotiate with the likes of you. And why is that? Because she's dead. What? Yep. Dead. And so is your father. Mine too. We're both orphans. There isn't anyone in the whole wide world who cares if we live or die. Now that, my little chickadees, is unfortunate. What are you doing?

Why didn't you let me tell him my mother's the queen? Because if they discover who we, I mean you, are, then they are definitely going to try and ransom us. We need to convince them to let us go tonight. All right, my corrosive compatriots. It seems that our new friends have no immediate value. I'll now open the floor to suggestion. Let's use them as target practice. Ten gold pieces so I can get an arrow through the pretty one's eye on the...

First shot? Normally, I'm this inclined to needless savagery, but as a betting man, I must say I'm intrigued. Cedric, a counter-proposal? Yes. Okay. So, this is going to sound a little out there, but just hear me out. Uh, maybe we eat them. What? Sweet Merlin's beard, Cedric. Why am I surrounded by Philistines? You have to forgive me, associates, boys. Good manners are as foreign to them as good hygiene. Oh, I see. So now we're just being hurtful to be hurtful. Okay. Aye.

as you might have perceived i'm a man not cut from the common cloth of humanity in fact it may surprise you to know but back in my salad days i was if i do so myself an actor of the greatest repute and the highest estimation That is until that small-minded queen ruined my career and drove me into exile.

Queen Lavinia exiled you to the forest? Oh, that she did, boy, that she did. And all because I dared to stage play that portrayed her in an unflattering, though many would say accurate, life. Also, he killed like 50 people. At any rate... I suppose it's time we dealt with you boys. Crazy Tooth, let's make some hats. Wait! Yes? Did you say your name was Barabbas? And you're an actor? What of it? You're not...

Barabbas the Great, are you? You've heard of me. Heard of you? You're not going to believe this, but we are your biggest fans. You are. We are. Yes, we are. Oh, right. Yes, we are. You are a legend back in the West. In the theater, you're all anyone talks about. Really? They remember me then? Of course! In fact, I mean, you were the whole reason Amir and I became actors in the first place. What? You?

Well, I mean, I never dare to put myself in the same league as Barabbas the Great. Nonsense! I shan't hear you. Slander yourself. This world is full enough of belittling ignoramus is too ready to tear an artist down. That is why you must always, always believe in yourself. That is so inspiring. I know that's why I said it. Now then, tell me which of the many illustrious performances was your favourite? Oh, our favourite? Yeah. Oh, I know.

I don't know if we have a favorite. All of them. They're all our favorites. Every single one. I mean, how could we choose? They're all perfection. You dude! You know me work! Me boys, I am aggrieved that you have encountered such inhos... hospitality, and I humbly beseech your forgiveness. Oh, oh, that is all right. No harm done. It could have happened to anyone. Yeah, yeah, and, um, I was actually...

wondering if, you know, if it's not so much trouble, of course, I was wondering if maybe you could give us some pointers on acting. Yes, pointers on, wait, what? Well, you see, my friend and I have been touring this one particular play around the West. It's been doing... okay, but I feel like it could be better. And maybe we could do a scene for you and you could tell us how to improve it? Oh, me ducklings.

There could be no greater pleasure than to impart my theatrical wisdom to the next generation of artists. Cedric! Crazy Tooth, release our friend. But I wanted to make their ears into one necklace. What, killer fan? I've done mad. Wow. Very cool. Very cool. Okay, so the play is called The Battle of the Two Kings. It's about the king of the east and the king of the west. Epic battle that led to the creation of this very forest. I am, to coin a phrase, riveted. Great. Oh.

Actually, can you give me my sword? I have this little speech about it, and it really helps if I have all my props. Okay. All right, sure. Great. Thanks. Could I have my bow and arrow? I shoot the sword out of his hands in the scene. A lot of people say it's the high point of the whole evening. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! I love violence! Thank you very much. Oh, this is so exciting. I feel like I'm at one of my own opening nights. Actually, you know what might make this scene even better?

If it's not too much trouble, could we borrow your swords too? You see, there's this epic ten-minute battle sequence. Right, and the more swords we have, the more authentic the whole experience feels. Authenticity is everything. Here. Take our swords. Take everything. Only be true to yourselves, these artists. Thank you. Thank you so much. We really, really appreciate it. Now, is that...

All the swords and daggers? Yes, that's everything we have. Good. Then start running. I beg your pardon. My name is Amir, Prince of the East. Heir to the Golden Throne and Protector of the Burnished Realm. You have 10 seconds to run as fast and as far as you can or I will unleash vengeance upon you and there will be no mercy. Bravo! Now that is acting. Cedric, Crazy Tooth, look. Goosebumps. Huh? Um... No. Sorry, this isn't, um...

This isn't part of the play. We've actually got all your weapons, so now we're really threatening your lives. What? Uh-oh. Yeah. You should probably run. I'm pretty sure my friend is dead serious about that ten-second rule. What? You perfidious vagabonds, how dare you besmirch the name of theatre with such bald-faced villainy? Ten! Quick, me ducky, run to your lodge, escape, exude, vamoose!

Yeah, yeah, run away! And don't come back! That was some pretty quick thinking. You weren't so bad yourself. In fact, between my brains and your brawn, I'd say we make a pretty good team. We do. Although technically I have both brains and brawn. True, but I have the personality and the winning smile, so... Was that a laugh? Did I make you laugh, Porridge? It's a midnight miracle. Mama has a sense of humor. Okay, settle down.

It's been an exhausting day, and we should really get some sleep. We still have a lot of ground to cover tomorrow. Aye, aye, boss. You are in charge, and I, for one, am ready to drop. Good. You get some rest. I'll take the first watch. Sounds good. And Fitz? Yeah. Keep up the good work. Partner.

Well, here we are, the most powerful women in the land, and yet there's not a bloody thing we can do to save our sons. More wine? No, thank you. And I haven't given up hope. Not yet. I believe there's still a chance we can save our sons. Both of them. But only if we work together. And how do you propose we do that? How do we find two tiny princes in a great big bloody forest? That depends. How quickly can you raise an army?

The Two Princes was created and written by Kevin Christopher Snipes and directed by Mimi O'Donnell. with performances by Shereh Akdashloo, Christine Baransky, Alfredo Narciso, Noah Galvin, Ariel Stachel, Richard Kind, and Mandy Mazdin. Executive producer Mimi O'Donnell, senior producer Katie Pastore, producer Anna Maria Sofilas, associate producer M.R. Daniel. Edited and mixed.

by Matthew Boll, sound design by Daniel Brunel, score by Greg Glaswell and Bobby Lord. The Two Princes is a production of Gimrit Media.