The Joke

The truth. Come on. Show me something. The project began on March 26. My colleague, my slight superior, Darwin Walker, and I had been tasked with preserving and cataloging the contents of a small portable safe found in a recently excavated hotel room from before the realignment. The material remnants are fairly well preserved, indicating whatever damage the hard drive occurred before it was placed in the safe. Ms. Fern, do you agree? Ms. Fern? I'm sorry?

I accept your apology, but not your distraction. Focus is a crucial requirement of our role. I found something on the drive. You did? Digital discoveries are rare, with all of the advancements in technology and decay in hardware. May I see? Of course. To find anything on a pre-realignment drive is exceptional, and should be treated as such. no matter what information is found.

Reads as insignificant nonsense. I would archive it in- But maybe it's some kind of code. I should try to figure it out first. Our job is not to try to figure out, it's to catalog and archive. You know that any little detail could help- Overstepping our role creates a disruption in order for- I'm not- Not overstepping. Elevated heart rate. Increased depth of breath. I apologize for upsetting you, Ms. Fern. You know I only speak this way for societal maintenance.

I accept your apology. Equilibrium reached. But I disagree with your reasoning. It's for the sake of societal maintenance that we understand the past as best we can. Entering Supervisor Smithson Morning, Walker. Morning, ma'am. Morning, Fern. Morning, ma'am. Anything of note to report from the Roxbury excavation? From the items left in the safe, I'd say we're looking at a male born in the year 1996, American named Peter Forrester.

What's your evidence to support? His passport, still intact, lists him as a male born in the year 1996, American named Peter Forrester. A logical conclusion, then. Anything else? Some currency. A pocket knife. Unsurprising, given the violence of the time. Nothing else of note. Ready for archival. Excellent. I'll have the next find moved in. Excuse me, but I'm not done. Oh, I was only speaking for my evidence. I apologize if that wasn't clear.

Ms. Fern, report. The hard drive is deeply corroded as predicted, but I managed to salvage a file that has some non-corrupted writing on it. Impressive. What does it say? My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it, so I bought it a margarita. As I spoke the words, I felt something in them come alive. This salvaged sentence. It was important.

You know, it's often said that laughter is the best medicine. But in the world of this story, it's more like a controlled substance. It's regulated, it's discouraged, mostly forgotten. Because here, people haven't just forgotten how to laugh. forgotten what laughter is? This is The Truth. I'm Jonathan Mitchell, and this story is about what it means to rediscover a feeling you didn't know you'd lost.

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So our show is an audio podcast. We make stories out of sound and pure sound, and you never see anything. And so there's an inherent mystery behind... where I am and what I look like right now and what I'm wearing. And I am wearing something very simple right now. It's a...

Gray cable knit wool pullover sweater that I bought from Quince, which is an online clothing store that's sponsoring The Truth this month. If you go to quince.com slash truth, you can get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. And my sweater that I'm wearing right now is so comfortable. I reach for it all the time because it just keeps me warm and it looks good. And by the way, they also have more than just clothing. They have home and bath and kitchen and travel items.

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Now back to the joke. My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it, so I bought it a margarita. Hmm. Well, um... If I may, it sounds unimportant. There's an implication that the spider is drinking alcohol. Spiders don't do that. I'm in agreement that spiders do not drink alcohol. I am also in agreement that spiders don't drink alcohol.

But don't we have a commitment here at the HRD to correctly catalog history so that we only repeat the beneficial pieces? Your point, Ms. Fern? Someone saved this on a hard drive and then put that hard drive in a safe space. Surely that's worth more than a tertiary glance to understand why. I request a time extension to continue excavation and attempt to discover the meaning behind why the sentence was saved. Request granted. You may have a three-day extension for exploration.

Thank you. Yes, thank you, ma'am. And thank you both. And so my investigation began. I also didn't know why someone would have a margarita with a spider. But I desperately wanted to find out. I started by exploring the sentence's language with our museum's resident linguist. Again? My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. So I bought it a margarita. Once more. My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it, so I bought it a margarita.

The digital timestamp places the sentence in the year 2022 if that sheds any further line. My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. So I bought it a margarita. On the surface, it would seem this man misinterprets his wife's request and instead of taking a spider outside, he takes it out on a date. and drinks margaritas while in the spider's company, believing himself to be doing his wife's bidding? Right, I know, but... But if we look underneath...

the surface. Perhaps the words are being used in a less literal context. Yes, exactly. That's what I was hoping you'd say. Elevated heart rate. Increased depth of breath. I'm sorry, I tend to set those off easily. I assure you I'm completely orderly. Not to worry. I'm rather attached to her voice. Equilibrium reached. Now, we know taking out can mean a romantic outing. Right. But it can also mean to kill. And for that matter, the phrase...

killing it had significance at that specific time. You said 2022? Correct. It could be used to mean doing something very, very well, i.e. Alexandra was getting very good marks in her English class. She was killing it. They used kill as a positive word? Well, let's remember this was a very violent time. That passion for violence is reflected throughout their vocabulary. Sure. Spider could simply be a...

generic house pest like a bug or a metaphorical pest like a criminal. So one could translate your sentence several ways. My wife told me to date the liar instead of killing it. Or my wife told me to take the criminal outside instead of doing something very well. Or my wife told me to kill the bug instead of killing the bug. What? Or... Perhaps the wife means for the author to literally take the spider outside.

And the author is willfully misunderstanding his wife, indicating a soured domestic partnership where a man would go to such lengths as socially drinking with an arachnid simply to rebel against the intentions of a controlling partner. Sorry to interrupt, Dr. Lawson. Interruption accepted, Ms. Tope. Your wife called again. She said she hasn't heard from you in days. Thank you for the message. Would you like me to respond? No, thank you. Very good.

There you have it. The possibilities of your sentence. Impressive. While I appreciated Dr. Lawson's assistance, I felt his answers were... unsatisfactory in explaining why Peter Forrester had safely stowed away my sentence. In fact, none of the academics I spoke with over the next few days were able to unlock the meaning I felt sure was there.

Much to my co-worker's delight. At least now you've exhausted all avenues of proving this project useful. We have several more pieces to catalog. I have a day left, Walker. I'm not done. But you've run out of linguists. And you've run out of drive to excavate. Why do you insist on pushing the boundaries of protocol? Why do you insist on monitoring me so closely? I am not something for you to catalog. Significant elevation in heart rate. Supplying water.

I apologize for upsetting you, Ms. Fern. I own your face. I'm not upset. That water isn't for me to splash my face with. Well, it's certainly not for me, Ms. Fern. Yes, it is. You splash your face. No, you splash your face. No, you. Shall I get the portable monitor out to check whose heart rate is more elevated? We'll both splash. Fine. We'll both splash.

Thank you. I believe you're trying to do what you think is best, but it's difficult for me to get past the concept of why any sane person would willingly get a drink with a spider. You're right. That's a very good point worth exploring. Thank you, Walker. What? What did I s- Explain, please. Walker's words inspired me to take a more experimental approach to my research.

Calm down, little guy. I'll let you go soon. I promise. Thank you, by the way, Mr. Sam. Mr. Sam for letting me bring a spider inside your bar. No problem. And... You don't have to call me Mr. Sam. It's just, I'm Sam. I'm Sam. Okay, Sam. And it is a problem in some bars, Sam. Oh, yeah. Several, actually. I went to a few places before this that found it very disruptive.

I mean, it's a little weird to have a spider, but I don't think weird is the enemy of civil. Well, you're kind. I even got a civility ticket at one bar. Apparently it was upsetting the customers too much. Even in this jar. Well... Weird or not, you're fine here. Still, thank you. Here are your margaritas. So what exactly is this research you're doing? I told him.

The HRD has a public transparency policy, so I was in no conflict of interest in sharing. I know this drinking with a spider thing is an extreme thing to try. I just felt so sure there was something I was missing. Something... Significant. But Walker's right. It's a meaningless phrase. I'll take this poor guy outside and set him free. Why does it matter if it's meaningless or not? Because I want...

Proof. Elevated heart rate. Increased... How'd you turn off the monitor system? They give us the override. Sometimes it gets crowded in here and it can't handle the numbers. But you want proof of what? That life is better now than it used to be. And I do think it is. I do. But I like having proof. Because it's not easy for me. I'm always setting off the alarms and thinking too much.

Confirming the evidence is comforting. But this is a waste of time. I can pay now. No, no, no. Can you run that sentence by me one more time? My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it, so I bought it a margarita. Hmm. Okay. I'm going to tell you something. Okay. It's...

Not meaningless. It's a joke. A choke? No. A joke. It's a joke. I'd never heard the word before. But it sounded like something from one of my interviews with a Dr. Pinsey of the IHR. Although they had called it a... Jock. Foul things. Built on a foundation of disrupting the mind through surprise and trickery. Part of a primitive genre of communication and expertise of mine called humor. But the result was very distasteful. At its strongest, humor was used to force uncontrollable spasms of shock.

Uncontrollable spasms of shock? Uncontrollable spasms of shock. Deep investigation and instinct has led me to believe it sounded something like this. Please forgive the demonstration. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Integrity. And if the crudeness of it wasn't enough to prove its danger, my research indicates it devolved from nature in correlation with violent impulsiveness. Dr. Pimsey had made jocks.

Sound too vicious to fit my spider sentence. But hearing Sam gave me pause. Do you mean a jock? Uh, no. A joke. They're... How to explain? Um... There's lots of types, but they're like having an offbeat commentary on something or a twist ending to a sentence that kind of makes you pleasantly surprised. And they made people go like this. Uh, sort of. But nicer. More like this. It's called laughter. So it is dangerous. No, it's not dangerous. It's...

Actually very fun. How do you know about them? Jokes. You mean because I'm not a fancy academic? No, I just... How? My grandmother. My grandmother told me about jokes. Her ancestors were something called comedians. It's people who made jokes as a job. How could that be a job? People back then liked to laugh so much, they paid for it. Historical experts postured that jokes are bad. They definitely can be. Honestly, your spider one is... What else can they be?

Are you sure you want to know? I just want the truth. Okay, I'll show you. What are you doing? I'm restarting the system. It gives us time to get down there. Down where?

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Now back to The Joke. Against reason, I followed him down into the cellar. There's no monitoring system. Nope. I shouldn't be here. What if somebody... Feel something unregulated? It's your choice. Are you coming in or not? It was cramped and musty and had a stage like at the museum's year-end conference party trivia competition, but much smaller.

There were a dozen or so people there who all looked at me. Then, seeing I was with Sam, turned back to the stage where a man was speaking. How many supervisors does it take to change a light bulb? What's he doing? Telling jokes. What? None, because we don't use light bulbs anymore. Shouldn't there be laughter? That's true, he's still learning. Okay, okay, okay. How about this one?

Knock, knock. Who's there? Why is everyone? Wayne. It's a call and response thing. The regulars know the format. Wayne who? Wayne, are you going to open the door for me? Why did that one work? What made them laughter? The way he said Wayne has a name at the door, but then it sounded like when. I'll explain that. And let's give Troy a round of applause for his third time up. Great.

Good job, Troy. I know we have a few more of you to get through, but I can't help but notice our beloved barman, Sam, has joined us. I think maybe we should let Sam in here for a quick round. You know his jokes? Guilty. I'll be right back. Try to have fun. Sam got up and spoke on the stage. How's everybody doing tonight, huh? Good, yeah? Well, thanks so much for having me. I'm Sam. You should all know me. As he spoke, the crowd of people around me.

Laughter. I brought a friend down with me today. She's new to comedy. Her name's Naomi. Okay, big round of applause. So if she doesn't laugh at your jokes, please don't take it personally. Just take it personally that no one else did. I decided to embrace the chance to immerse myself in the culture. I attempted to join the laughter. For research. You know, a couple weeks ago I was mixing a drink. Thanks, Naomi. That actually wasn't the punchline. I'll explain what a punchline is later.

Towards the end, Sam said something I thought made a lot of sense. Don't get me wrong, I like that there's this magic box on the wall that will call for help if I have a heart attack. But does it have to tone down everything, right folks? I mean, one time this really beautiful woman came in the bar, like really gorgeous. And she came up to me.

And she ordered a half-teenie in this sexy voice, like leaning in, hand on my wrist, you know? And then the civility-loving monitor goes off! And I'm stuck there like, sure, I'll make a drink. No, I'm not super horny for you. It was so embarrassing. Which, of course, is off the monitor again. I spoke with Sam after. As scary as you thought it would be? No.

It was very informative. What? One of the jokes you made, I never thought about the monitoring systems that way. That it's regulating all of our emotions, not just our harmful ones. Well, my grandmother used to say there's a lot of truth in comedy. Comedy? Oh, yeah. Okay, so there's, like, a lot of vocabulary. Don't worry, you'll pick it up. If you want to. I wanted to. So far, jokes seemed like they had a lot of merit.

I was excited to share my findings with my supervisor. So, we may catalog Peter Forrester's writing as a jock. Joke. Impressive work, Ms. Fern, and within deadline. I'll have the next batch of items moved in. Thank you, ma'am. But what about my discovery? That we've misclassified humor as negative? Ms. Fern, one of the top experts in our structure has already studied and condemned this topic. I know, but I... It would be outside the purview of our role to question them.

But why? Because that is their expertise, not ours. I appreciate you finding the correct categorization for this historical document. That is all that is required of you at this time. But- For order's sake, let it go. Thank you both for the report. Thank you, ma'am. It doesn't bother you that we may have lost a positive piece of our emotional landscape as a society?

No, it bothers me that we have a backup of archival materials to get through. Despite disinterest from my co-workers, I went back to the cellar several times over the following weeks. As they got used to me... Sometimes the speakers, stand-ups, Sam called them, would give me a napkin with a joke on it to study. To get to the other side. But that's why anything would cross a road.

Right, it's playing on your expectation that something is going to be strange, and instead saying the thing that actually makes sense. You know what, it might be too advanced for you. While I couldn't engage in the laughter on my own, I found myself slipping into it more easily alongside the people around me. A supervisor and a worker walk into a bar. The worker orders a beer, and the supervisor orders the worker to order them a beer.

My favorite jokes were comments, like the one Sam had said, that reminded me of life and of work, where unfortunately I found myself feeling increasingly isolated. They were out of blueberry muffins at the cafe. The counterwoman extended apologies for the inconvenience. Thank you for trying. I attempted to purchase a secondary preference choice, but you hadn't unlisted on your co-worker accommodation page.

I purchased lemon. It seemed the safest as it lacks nuts. Thank you. It would be helpful to me if you would update your accommodation page. I will make sure to do that. It would also be civil to update your car share. What? Three nights. Last week, you didn't use your car share, which creates disruption for the drivers. How do you...

Why are you checking up on me so much? It is my responsibility as your colleague and superior to- Slight superior and by tenure only. To make sure we are working at maximum efficiency. I alerted my car share that I would not be joining them. Nothing was disrupted.

Not so. If you're consistently visiting a different location after work, you have an obligation to the car share system to update your car share accommodation sheet to join a new car share on those days, saving fuel and creating community. Fine, I'll do it right now.

See? New address. All updated. Crow's Tavern. I'll make sure to adjust my car share each morning if I plan to go there. Happy? Why are you going to a tavern three nights a week? I'm afraid that is not a work-related question, Walker. And as such, I have to say it's inappropriate to ask. Inappropriate? I... Something wrong. Elevated heart rate. Increased depth of breath. I apologize if I've upset you. I'm not upset. You seem upset.

I'm not upset. Are you sure? Because it's... I'm not upset. I'm not upset. I'm not the one who gets upset. Integrity. What was that? I laughed. Not with the crowd, not to copy anyone. Just me. Ms. Fern? Finally, I had my own physical confirmation that spontaneous laughter was pleasant. Dr. Pimsey was incorrect. Ms. Fern, what's wrong?

Significant elevation in heart rate. Supplying water. I'm alright. I'm alright. Calm down. I'm not. Miss Fern, breathe. Use the water. Here, I'll- Please, don't walk. This is Darwin Walker in room 588. We need assistance. I promise I'm fine. But I wasn't fine. Not after that. You're making your co-workers uncomfortable, Miss Fern. What happened with Walker? I wasn't having a fit. The doctor even said my blood pressure was better than normal. I'm completely healthy.

Happy even. We've enrolled you in our behavioral regulation management program for increased behavioral regulation management. And we will be monitoring your work closely for a period of two months. But... I'm hitting all my archive KPIs. I'm a good employee. Ms. Fern, perhaps you do not understand the severity of your situation. If you wish to continue here, you will make immediate efforts to move on from this obsession with pre-realignment expression.

Do you understand? I... I didn't understand. But the HRD had been my whole life until just a few weeks ago. I went to see Sam. And so I think it's best I stay away for a while. I wanted to at least come and say thank you for everything. I thought you were one of us. I don't know what that means. At least come down and say goodbye to everyone. Troy, watch the bar for a sec, will you? Oh, sure. I shouldn't. I told them I was done. Please. So I went down to the cellar one last time.

Frankie, the host, was just finishing. Okay, thanks. That's it for me. You guys have been great. Who wants to hop up next? She does. Naomi. No, I'm just here to support... You have to try it. At least one. Yeah, come on. Come on, try it. We're super nice here, aren't we, ladies and gentlemen? We're super nice. Come on up. Okay. I'm Naomi. I'm new.

I don't really have any... Wait, I do have a joke. It's not mine, but... My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it, so I bought it a margarita. Yes, you get it. Well, that's my only... Sam, what else should I say? Just talk about your life. My life? In my life, I mostly like to focus on my work. But you wouldn't know that right now.

Because I keep getting in trouble. For what? For working too hard. And some other things, too. I keep forgetting to tell my co-worker what my second favorite muffin is. It's not that I don't want to tell him. I'm just not sure I have a second favorite muffin. There's just ones with chocolate and ones without chocolate.

I guess I could tell him that, but for some reason, whenever I talk to him for too long, the room monitoring system starts beeping. Maybe it's his face or his voice or something about the way he's... always telling me what to do and how much I hate it? Probably it's that. You understand. Okay, good. I thought maybe I was special.

I'd like to be special, but not for that. And if I'm being honest, I always wanted to be special for my work. I wanted to make big discoveries that help solidify the perfect society we've rebuilt. But they don't really want discoveries, do they? Not unless the discovery is my second favorite muffin preference. The Crow's Tavern! I knew it!

Walker, what are you doing here? You said you'd behave, but then what'd you do? You skipped your car share. No, it's not. I was just... What, the realignment? He said he was here for the jokes. You don't understand. I was just saying goodbye. Goodbye? Look at you.

You're on a stage. You're making them all watch you tell your corruptive jokes that twist your mind and give you fits. Is that what you do? Is that what you do down here? Walker, no. Listen, man, she really was just- You people should be ashamed of yourselves.

Where is the order, the integrity? Civility's sake, where is the monitoring system? Which brings us to today. As you know, Walker immediately reported me, and I was officially required to report and explain myself to all of you at the HRD committee. All I can say in my defense is, I was trying to discover truth for the sake of our society. And the truth is, humor is good, as Peter Forrester knew when he put his joke on a hard drive and put that hard drive in a burn-proof safe for safekeeping.

Thank you for this detailed explanation of events, Miss Fern. I'm afraid that you leave us no choice but to terminate you. Were you listening? Do you disagree with my findings? Findings were not the purpose of this hearing. What you call searching for truth, we find to be an intentional disregard for rules and authority. You have until the end of the day to collect your things. You will receive the standard exit package as testament to our...

goodwill and hopes for your rehabilitation. Your supervisor has requested psychiatric aid on your behalf in an effort to re-engage you with health and order. That request has been approved. I don't need to be rehabilitated. You know what it is? It's like the spider. Humor is the spider, isn't it? And you may want to take my newfound humor outside and kill it. But I'm not going to do that.

Please leave your badge at the front desk. I'm going to buy it a margarita. Fine. Next order of business. Thomas Cross has been purchasing two ham sandwiches at lunch. before everyone has had a chance to potentially purchase one, leading to a lack of sandwich variety by the time tour staff breaks. So that was my day. Not my best. So I turned in my badge, I canceled my car shares, and before I left, I made sure to update all of my co-worker accommodation sheets to no longer accommodating.

Okay, I'll keep working on that joke. Good thing I was terminated. So I've got the time. And that is my time. Thank you all so much. Have a great night.

To hear more original stories like this, go to thetruthpodcast.com. And you can follow us on Instagram, Strands, and Blue Sky. Our handle is thetruthfiction. The Joke was written by Mary MacDonald. and directed and sound designed by me, Jonathan Mitchell. I also composed all the music in this episode. It was performed by Betsy Helmer as Naomi, Josh Tobin as Walker, John Trowbridge as Sam.

Alex Dixon as Supervisor Smithson. Brandon Zellman as Dr. Lawson. Amanda Giobi as Pimsy. Mary McDonnell as the assistant. Davey Gardner as Troy. Hunter Nelson as Frankie. Lewis Kornfeld as the HRD panel member, and Sherry McMaster as the monitor system. If you love our show, please subscribe to our ad-free feed. Go to thetruthpodcast.supportingcast.fm. You'll hear the show without interruption.

and you'll be helping us continue bringing new stories like this. thetruthpodcast.supportingcast.fm I'm Jonathan Mitchell, and you have been hearing The Truth. Next time on The Truth. I want to have a kid. Oh, wow. No, I know this is an awkward topic, but I just don't want it to come up on like the second or third date and then... Well, I'm having a really great time with you two. Like a really great time.

God, I can't believe I just brought that up on a first date. I don't know if I'm ready. For a kid or for the talk? I mean... No, no, no. Forget I said anything. Yep. Oh, this is us. We didn't miss the previous. From the creators of Tiny Mrs. Sunlight. Here we are. That's a great scene. Comes a story about a huge surprise that shows up out of nowhere. I'm pregnant. This looks...

Cute. About what it means to be a parent and how to know if you're ready. Alright, don't cry, buddy. Kid spitting up already. We really can't get away from this topic, can we? Yeah, no. We can't. The Projectionists, next time on The Truth.