The Lord God, Maker of Heaven and Earth, was rushed into emergency surgery after accidentally shooting Himself while cleaning His gun. Hear what doctors have to say about His chances of recovery. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Parliament officials in Canberra are celebrating today, touting the success of their new wildfire introduction program that is designed to control the country’s pestering koala population. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
A major announcement in Vatican City as Pope Francis insists that Catholic priests around the world are not about to be out-molested by some goddamned Boy Scouts. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
The Trump campaign received a cease-and-desist letter this morning from Tyson Foods demanding that the president stop playing their slaughterhouse recordings at his rallies. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
On a special Valentine’s Day edition of The Topical, join the host of OPR's Love Sounds, Martha Saunders, as she explores questions about sex, love, and a lot of other topics you would probably prefer to keep private. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
The popular dating app Tinder announced today that it will no longer match users exclusively with distant relatives. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
It promises prosperity and success in exchange for nothing more than a lifetime of hard work and determination. Hear how authorities suggest people protect themselves from this growing scam. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
The Department of Evil issued a strong and clear message today confirming that every resident of the United States must die. But what does it mean for Americans and their mortality? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Last night’s Academy Awards were marred by what might be the Oscars’ worst gaffe in years. Hear how a leaky pipe in the Dolby Theater almost shut down the ceremony for good, and about the superintendent who stepped in to make it all much worse. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Onlookers were stunned in Lansing, MI after witnessing a rebellious young man who had the audacity to dye his hair blue. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
The vice president is under major scrutiny after a White House whistleblower leaked thousands of Mike Pence’s prayers asking God for political favors. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Many within the company are claiming that Tampax CEO Edward Brooks does not know what a period is. Does he know what a period is? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
EPA administrator Andrew Wheeler claims carbon emissions are not as dangerous as once thought and attempts to prove so by inhaling directly from the tailpipe of a truck. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
His name: Galon the Grotesque. Does this 40-foot goblin from the sewer have what it takes to energize the party’s base and win back the White House? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Under mounting pressure from anti-gun activists, Walmart has announced that all locations will be restricting firearm purchases to customers who promise to use them at one of the retailer’s competitors. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
The trial of Harvey Weinstein has been suspended indefinitely after the presiding judge booked a huge role in an upcoming Hollywood blockbuster. Hear how the judge was able to land his big break. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
The Democratic candidates are in Iowa this week, and they’re all vying for one big endorsement from an especially dreamy high school quarterback named Chad. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
The Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It’s using its last dying breath to beg you to listen to The Topical. New episodes published every weekday by 5 p.m. Eastern time. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
