Mary B.: Music. Hi. Thanks for listening to the Tony Robbins podcast. This is just a quick note about this episode, in case you'd rather watch and see the video of this conversation, and that's [email protected] backslash. Tony Robbins live. If you'd like to listen, you're in the right place. You
so if we look at why we're not forgiving, it's just important why. We look at how or why we do forgive. So once again, just connect to yourself, because you know, we all have our own path, our own inner wisdom. I think there's some universality. So I'm offering up some and you can see which ones land for you. We forgive because you are me. We forgive because it sets us free. I didn't mean for that to rhyme. We forgive when we recognize we are all human and we all miss. We forgive when we accept each other just as we are, but just to be to accept in that state place, it's like, Okay, do you know what? Hey, you give grace. It's compassionate. We forgive because we are forgiven. We forgive because we choose to wake up from the nightmare. We forgive by recognizing we're all doing the best we can. We forgive because it's a way of coming home. We forgive because, well, I forgive because it feels it's completely selfish. It feels like an internal release. You know that that constriction? It's like, oh, you know, it's a caring of energy. We forgive because it hurts. I forgive because it hurts when I don't and I the same one. It's, I forgive because I suffer when I don't. And, you know, we were mentioning about innocence earlier, but it's, it's, it's really a return and a recognition of our own and others, innocence and the goodness of that's underneath all the condition layers. Yes, we forgive when there's willingness to self reflect and see ourselves and to recognize that we're all connected in this human experience, and we've all if you're alive, we've had Grace extended to us, and sometimes in the grit of life or the pain of life, we forget that. That's a beautiful notion.
Mary B.: Those are all. That's a really gorgeous list that you put together.
And so you can ask yourself, you know, when do you not forgive? Or when do you forgive? Because there's we all have unconscious competence of why we do what we do, and what I really recognize when I look back on my lifetimes when I haven't forgave, it's usually in the righteousness or the you know, so and so wrong to me. And then I'm usually, you know, I was trouble talking or talking to somebody or spreading justify your justification, righteousness. You know it feels yuck. It feels yuck inside to hold that energy. It's exhausting.
Mary B.: One thing that I've learned from you and Tony is you. I had never heard this before. Explain this way, but you guys say it. You say it from the front of the room in a seminar setting, but you also will use it around the house, and you'll say things like, like, the units of energy that are being used. Like, so I guess this would connect to why forgive. It's like, Why? Why forgive someone? Yes, like, Why? Why can't I just carry this around, and you guys will often, I don't know why, for some reason this just hit me different that you'll say, like, with like the units of energy that that person is that you're giving to that person, or you're giving away. Or, you know, some some people might language it like, take your power back, or, you know, you're giving your power away when you do that. And you guys often put the words to it that it's units of energy. So if I'm going to choose to hold this resentment, and you know, not forgive or whatever some people might be like, no, no. Skin off my back. And it's like you have to be willing to understand and admit like that takes units of energy to your you often call uphold, yes, you're holding this up. Yes, identity of like, I'm mad at you. I don't forgive you. You did something wrong. You You're wrong, however that comes out, and then I'm using energy to keep this posture of Yes, righteousness, yes, I don't forgive you. Of you don't deserve to be forgiven, and how that affects so the why? So why is forgiveness a gift to yourself? Because you're freeing up those units of energy that you can use to do something productive, creative, artistic, whatever it is that you want to be doing. Yes,
and if I'm not forgiving, if I'm holding on to something or a grudge, or, you know, living in resentment, that's depression for me. I'm just speaking for myself. It's exhausting. It's energy. Life is. So precious, and it's hard enough navigating. You know life at times, you know we're either adding to the schism or adding to the harm or adding to harmony, and that's we're or we're opening or we're closing. There's there's themes to this, to this human experience, and it's recognizing and so for those of you who are listening, we've been sharing our own experiences and some practices, tune in and ask yourself, you know, I don't think of maybe an individual in your life that you're feeling that stuck energy, or you're having a difficult time forgiving. Maybe it's a sister or brother or coworker, and you know, a lot of times innocently, ego, you know, has such conviction about things that we get so righteous that we miss, okay, hey, I've done that. Do you know what I mean, if you really look inside yourself, it's like, holy smokes. Yeah, I've and so we're, we're so angry at this individual for what they've said, or the tone of voice of what they said it or, I mean, I'm just using different examples of day to day. I'm using just day to day pieces. And so, you know, I'm not here to tell you how to live your life or what to let go of or not, because it's what I do recognize, is forgiveness is, it's a natural state when we are in, you know, in our I call it right mind, or in alignment with our heart.
Mary B.: Something that you just said reminded me of one little quote. And this, this is the book of forgiving by Desmond Tutu, and he wrote it with his daughter, the fourfold path of healing ourselves and our world. And there was just one little again, back to kind of the the the units of energy, and who's holding the power of that? He writes, without forgiveness, we remain tethered to the person who harmed us. We are bound with chains of bitterness, tied up, trapped until we can forgive the person who harmed us. That person holds the keys to our happiness, like they, they, I don't know why that for anyone who maybe needed to hear that, yes, it's like, do you see that you're, you're pretty much saying, here's the keys to my to my happiness. Yes, you take them because I'm choosing not to go there. So they're all yours.
And we, we've all done that. We've all Mary B.: chosen to do that, because that feels, that feels what we should, that feels true right now, until it doesn't, until it doesn't, and we all have the capacity to free ourselves. And I think that's the power of for giving. It's, it's giving to ourselves, it's giving to life. It blesses our families, and it allows us to be in right mind.
Mary B.: Beautifully said, we have covered a lot of ground here in the forgiveness, apologies, atonement, amends, everything under that umbrella. One thing you mentioned as a tool and something that you connect to is mental architecture. What do you mean by
that? Yes, of course. Okay, if you think of the originating thought that's creating you stress. So my sister was so harsh with me. She was cruel. And can you believe like she said, what she said, Oh my gosh, I know. Do you know what she's done that before? Building, building, oh yeah, she always does that building, building like Eagle mind is building this architecture around it, the support system to prove itself, right? Does that make sense? Yeah. And so it's like, she's, Oh, do you know what? You'll never believe it. Like, I totally forgot about this. But you know, two years ago, she did the exact same thing. I mean, how dare she so it's like we build all these that's what it sounds like, that's what it looks like, that's what it feels like. So it's not, if you notice, like our stories are usually they begin with one single thought of suffering, and then mind builds, yes, like it builds like a support around it, and that creates even more clouded vision confusion. Beautifully
Mary B.: said, Well, I think at this moment, maybe we could take some questions that have come in from inner circle. Okay, fantastic. Okay, the first question was from Lauren, who wants to know, sage, does forgiveness count if you forgive someone in your heart versus if you forgive someone face to face? Does it count?
That's a great question. Well, I can't say that what I'm saying is true, but it's my experience. Absolutely, we all have people that have passed, or maybe you have somebody that you know 20 years ago, you know you had a circumstance that was hurtful or painful, and I think that's what's extraordinary when transcend mind. And I'll go back to last night. I was just reflecting and and looking at different practices that I do. And. And I'll pray this simple prayer. Sometimes spirit in me connects to the spirit in you. I release you now. I forgive you, I bless you, thank you. I find that to be so incredibly healing. And another one that I wrote sometimes I'll say is I invite once again. If you're a believer, you're agnostic, it's really you know you were speaking to the source that breathes us life. So I invoke the light of God. I invoke the light of creation. Bless all whom I've ever wronged in any way, and for who all who have ever wronged me. Bless them. I release them now. I release me now, because, you know, there's that dance, that dynamic that is we're releasing others, we're releasing ourselves, and as we release ourselves, we're releasing others. As I let you off the hook, I let me off the hook. As I let myself off the hook, I let you off the hook. And so I do believe my experience it would be yes,
Mary B.: yes. I also love the way you do ancestral, ancestral like clearings and, like we'll do hobo pono pono on ancestors, and you do it on your parents, your grandparents, parents, because, like we said, Yes, people's impressions and their references from life that are passed down that make us make the choices and have the behaviors act out, the behaviors that we are oftentimes, are sources that could use some compassion and forgiveness, absolutely, clearing, absolutely.
And you know, if you think of life, we're iterating, we're evolving. And so Whoa, I better get this, you know, tidied up into tidied up or or freed up, cleared up, opened up, so that we can be in the world and not be affected by those great waves of confusion, perfect. Can Mary B.: we go to the next one? Of course, the next question is from Niraj. Niraj, hi, Niraj, Mary B.: right. How does one get the real feeling of forgiveness in the heart rather than the mental talk of forgiveness?
That's a great question. Well, if I say, say, if we just have discord, and I'm like, Hey, Mary, yeah, sorry about that, and I walk out. So maybe I said the service, I said, it could be a little bit placating. It's, it's, it's insincere. You're saying it because possibly you think you should say it, and by the way, I've done that so I know what it feels like, I know what it looks like, or you're saying it because you know, you know you're going to be seeing them later for dinner, and you don't want to, you want the drama to stop. That's one path. So that's when, any time that I've done that in my life, it's lacking, like the openness, the inner freedom, you know, but when forgiveness comes from compassion, because we recognize holy Frick, I've been blind too, you know me too. I've been so unconscious, and I've been harsh, and I've probably came across mean or crazy or and sometimes even in a moment, if I'm apologizing, sometimes I won't even be specific. Sometimes I'll say, like, you know, Honey, I'm so sorry. I I'm not my best self right now, and how I just came across, I'm, I'm sorry that that wasn't cool. Please forgive me. And it's, you know, I'm sorry I was sometimes. And it's, it's, it's, I'll give context to things. It's like, kind of, you know what? I was just I was coming down, and I was quick, and I didn't feel like I fully connected to you. And can we begin again? Can we reset? That's another thing that I we do a lot, is just the we just the other day, I came in and I was like, Mayor, can we reset? I'm sorry if, in that moment, I was at my best self, and you were so kind, you were like, of course, and it's, it's, it's, but it wasn't just of course. It was like, of course. And and from that place, when one person goes first, and I don't know, you know, if we wait for the other person to do it once again, it gets weird expectation. And we think, why are they saying sorry? Well, when is he or she gonna come and be like, hello and they don't come, and so we can sit there, be mad about it, resent that they're not coming, right, or they're not calling, or we can just simply go first. I find that path much easier. Did that answer the question?
Mary B.: I think it did. I think it did. How does one get the real feeling of forgiveness, like for me too, I see how it's affecting yes us. It's us Yes, or you yes or like to me, to get the real feeling is just either walk in someone else's shoes or flip it around and look in the mirror. Every situation is just a house of mirrors. Yes. Yes. So I think getting in touch with where do we do that is a good place. The feeling in our heart, yeah,
our self awareness and self reflection, that's really, that's responsibility, and that's, that's a life of freedom, because we're all sovereign beings. We're all autonomous. We all have the capacity and the gift to use our thoughts constructively or destructively. Beautiful. Mary B.: Okay, the fourth question we have here is from Demetra. Hi, Demetra, who writes as children, do we have to forgive our parents for the way they treated us, or do we have to accept them as they are?
Well, if you're sitting in front of me, I might ask, what does your heart say? You know, we don't have to do anything. I think that's a gift of life. As autonomous humans, we don't have to do anything. So I'd say that the answer is, No, you don't have to. If it was me, I'd check in and ask, how does that what does that feel like to not forgive your parents. What does that feel like when you look at them? What does that feel like when you think about them? What does that feel like when you hear their voice and if you're like not as connected intimately and closely as you would like, from my own experience to you. Don't even have to say anything. You don't have to say, Mom, I forgive you. It doesn't have to be that dramatic, you know. You can just continue to do your self reflection. You can use one of these practices, inquiry, or johopa Ono, or none of them, or find something that's true for you, or hold them in prayer, or do a process of release. And as you have your practices of whether it be meditation and prayerfulness that guides your you know self, self back to source or back to your nature, back to alignment. It's from that place that this is possible. And so the answer is, you don't have to, but it's from my experience kinder and saner when I do
Mary B.: well. Said, Okay, we've got one more. Okay, this one's from Paula. Paula, Paula, hi, Paula, who writes, I would love to know how to accept that you decide to forgive and move on. At times, I wonder if forgiving and staying is the right decision. I know forgiveness is necessary for my own piece, but at times I wonder if forgiving and staying is the right decision. How do you know if forgiving means stay or leave?
That's a beautiful question. Well, I don't know that they're mutually exclusive, and I don't even know that that's the right way to say it. I think you can Why not forgive? Okay, why not forgive? Because it frees you to do so. And you feel that inner spaciousness. And then from that place of alignment, from that place of connectedness to life and to your your partner, you can decide whether staying is true for you or not, but then you're not leaving because you're pissed, or you're not leaving because they wronged you, or you're not leaving because you know you've had, you've had an argument or something. You're leaving because it's true in your heart that it's just time, and that's That's so kind, that's so beautiful, and so I think you can forgive and stay, or you can forgive and kindly and consciously leave. But it doesn't have to be from a place of blame or judging another. It can actually be from a place of you can leave and be connected from a place of understanding one another that's beautiful, right?
Mary B.: Different than like, a flight response or something, if you can clear with that human and then consciously decide, okay, what's true for me now, yes,
yes, I look back at myself as a younger version of myself, and I remember in my first marriage, you know, didn't have the same wisdom that I have today, and you know, a lot of emotion and emotionality and drama around that decision was really unnecessary. I had a love for him. I know he had a love for me. I chose it was true for my own life's journey, and I felt as well for him, but I can't decide that for him, and I made that decision. That decision was being true to my own heart, and I mean, I wish nothing but happiness for him and bless him, and yet didn't have the words or the understanding or the inner clarity to be able to articulate that away like I do today. But what's beautiful is Life gives us an opportunity. After 20 some odd years, I had the opportunity to, maybe about a year ago, to speak to him, and it was just kind it's, it's, you know, we don't spend 10 years or seven years, even if you think they're a total jerk, even if they you. Know hurt you. If you've shared a big chunk of life together, there's there's those ties, yep,
Mary B.: that version of yourself, that version of themselves, yes, giving people time, you said, evolve, evolution earlier, and grow and like become Yes,
and from that place, the grace for yourself and for them. So I don't know if there's a right way or a wrong way, but I can just share my own experience. I left from I wasn't in a whole state of mind and heart when I left the first time of my in my first marriage. That's honest and but yet my heart is actually completely open and forgiving and in gratitude for the experience of that stage of my life. But I didn't have that understanding so but it feels freer and feels truer for myself. And was kind to be able to at least somewhat articulate that
Mary B.: beautiful Well, we've talked about tools and ways that you can reach folks, yes, that maybe are from the past, past relationships, parents, alive or on the other side. We hope that you take some of these tools for yourself, yes, create some space, free up some units of energy. So if there's someone that you need to reach out to make a call, write a letter, yes,
and know that it doesn't have to be a phone call. This can be in the silence, in the interior of your own mind and heart. This can be in your meditation. This can be through prayer. It can be through a phone call and and the remembrance that there's no ask in it. It's for giving. It's just an offering, it's an allowance, it's an acceptance of yourself, of the other, and it's I'm really sorry I missed I love you. Thank you. Thank you to all of you for taking this path with us here today, and for tuning in. Thank you for your generous hearts and thank you for staying with us so long. God bless and we look forward to coming again
Mary B.: see you next time. Thank you, Mary b Mary B.: Thank you, sage. Thank you for your vulnerability and for this conversation. Amen. Mary B.: The Tony Robbins podcast is inspired and directed by Tony Robbins and his teachings. It's produced by us, Team Tony, copyright Robbins, Research International. You.