Navigating Life's Losses: Practical Strategies from Alexandr Philip

His areas of expertise include coping with stress and all areas of life general and social anxiety , sudden life changes or transitions , working with those involved with ministry work , multicultural counseling , relationships and dating and family counseling . But really a major area of expertise is grief . So we're going to be chatting all about that . Welcome , Alexander .

So I think it was really an understanding that there was more knowledge that was necessary to really help . You know my clients .

What would you say stood out for you in terms of what you learned through graduate school specifically for counseling ?

I mean counseling you can do the past , the present and the future , and so I think it's just learning how to apply those skill sets . I know , in school what I did learn was how I could refine my skill set already .

So when I went to grad school , they were kind of taken back and when I was talking to my colleague counseling , because they said you're really natural at this , more natural than other students , and right , I was a life coach and so it was an edge . So , yeah , you're right , a lot of counselors become coaches , and I went in , I guess , reverse direction .

However , I really think that me become a better counselor because I already had the basic skill set of asking , you know , open-ended questions , and so , yeah , it was really helpful .

I mean just learning from different professors , learning about diagnosis and whatnot , and then just each class giving you a different perspective , right , and so I think that's what grad school really teaches us . Different perspective , right .

You know that coaches do with the clinical background infused in there and , looking at the past , I think that's really interesting , especially because before we hit record , we started talking about grief being really a large part of your focus .

So I could see , if that's your past , or looking at maybe a past experience that sits heavy on your heart through grief how it would be really helpful to evaluate that from a clinical perspective as well .

I went to all boys Catholic high school and so everyone was on high alert . They were really concerned about especially their Asian culture students and so they were constantly checking in with me like are you okay ?

You know what's going on , and I'm saying I'm fine , and that was the year that they actually removed final exams because they were so great of future suicides . So that was like my early exposure for suicides .

And then , you know , going into counseling and most of my experience actually came from working at a psychiatric hospital and I dealt with a lot of people with , you know , suicide attempts or suicide ideation , and so I guess like going full circle , yeah , like a lot of our past helps us prepare for our future , right , and so understanding that , being immersed in

the you know understanding of suicide and then going , you know what I know it feels like when you feel like you couldn't do anything .

You know you feel helpless , and so it's really learning more about how to help people deal with grief in a safe way , because a lot of people they're really inundated with just trying to get through the next day and trying to figure out how to make things happen , and so I try to make it real easy .

I simplify the counseling process by having people do bite-sized things , you know , and for grief it's really important because they're already overwhelmed . They don't know what to do .

Everyone's trying to help , and so I help them Right , so that's a huge part of my process is helping people slow down , you know , because we're so caught up in the rat race , right ?

So when I mean my rat race is like they're , they feel like times against them and I help them understand that . Times not against you . Let's actually utilize the most out of our time together and understand that we're . There's no rush . You know , if people are in a rush , they want to get , they want to get it done quickly .

And I'm like grief is for any kind of case . Grief can be a long process . It could be a year , it could be two years , it could be three years , it could be four years .

There's no magic number , and so I don't want to be pressured because a lot of clients that come in and they're going well , my aunt Susie is already feeling better , lost right , and I remind them that you're different than Aunt Susie , we're all different .

And so what I find is , you know , in the Hispanic culture , for grief , it's very difficult to really express themselves , because the common thing we were talking about on Susie is , on Susie is telling the person , the other person , the family , hey , I'm over it , so you should be over it , right , and so that's the pattern I've noticed , you know , and not to

generalize , you know any specific race .

However , I try to see patterns and I go , okay , well , let's see , let's look at the culture and let's understand the culture , tell me about your culture , because even within the Latin American culture , there's like subcultures , and so I try to like , truly like , hone in , like , okay , tell me about your culture , like , what's your culture ?

Like you know , because there's even a subculture within the culture . So you have to like , dive in and figure it out and go , okay , now I understand , okay , now I get it . And so , yeah , I have to remind them that on Susie can have an opinion , but that doesn't mean that's the BL end . All right , you don't have to subscribe to her opinion .

You can hear her opinion , but we don't have to endorse her opinion . Right , there's a difference , and so I teach give them permission to give permission to themselves to hear it , but then learn to Accept it to a certain extent and then process it and then figure out what's better for them , right ?

So there's a lot of on Susie's and and Uncle Harry's and all sorts of people that try to give their input , and I think they're being helpful too , and Try to tell them like they're trying to be helpful . However , they're not being helpful , and that's okay right .

You said that you take away the feeling that you need to figure everything out right now in a pressured way , because it could be years , it could be . There's a lot of people influencing .

I haven't even thought about when you mentioned there's Learning how to navigate with attorneys if there's a trust or the input from other people , and looking at where someone else is in terms of their healing and processing of everything and for something to that . You mentioned that you like to make things simple and fight-sized .

So , for anyone navigating grief for helping someone else , they're like I'm trying to help , they're trying to be helpful , but maybe they're falling under the category of trying to be helpful but maybe not actually so helpful .

So I have that time to process and so be very clear and set very clear expectations with your family members . But if you're vague , then you're going to get vague results , and so I try to help people just pinpoint and focus more on this is what I want .

The problem is they don't really know what they want because they're going through so many different emotions like a roller coaster and they're like oh , I don't know , am I being the wrong ? Am I being the bad person ? You know , and when I tell every client because I'm really picky about who I take on 90% of my clients I would categorize as selfless .

90% Right , they're very selfless . And so when you're selfless , a lot of times you can view selfishness right . With selflessness , you know like , okay , well , I'm being selfish . I'm like no , actually you're taking care of yourself . That's not being selfish . And so , especially with grief , it can , I would say , taint our way of thinking .

Right , because we're having this idea and this concept of healing and we want everyone else to be healing , but then we're afraid that we're not able to serve others like we are used to , you know . So I help them slow down and go . Okay , let's hear what Anseli is saying , let's hear what Uncle Harry is saying .

I want to hear more of the rhetoric and I want you to journal it and I want you to tell me verbatim what they're saying , because the more you share with me , the better . I can help you figure out how to respond to them differently , because clearly , however you're responding to them now , it's not working right , so we have to change something up .

And they're like oh wow , that makes sense , right ? I never thought about it that way .

It sounds like you partner with and I'm going to ask , because I know that you have done ministry work or work with ministries Do you include an element of looking at faith-based approach

?

And a lot of times what people will tell me is , well , I'm a Christian , but I'm not a real Christian . I'm like what does that mean ? Why don't I attend church ? And then I'll give them a response saying well , that's not true . You know , you don't have to be a real Christian to attend church .

And so a lot of people really hearten themselves and I try to give them a sense of hope and a better understanding of what does it really mean to be a Christian and how do we practice being a Christian and apply it to the grief process .

I teach them how to pray , you know , and then just simplify the prayer process and they're like wow , I didn't think it was that simple . And so my whole point is how can I simplify it and how do I get you to a point where you're better ? And so I incorporate prayer , I also incorporate worship , so sometimes I'll sing to my patients .

I'm a class of the trained singers . I can actually can sing , and so I'll sing to them when necessary , and so it's like they're not expecting that and I'm like , okay , well , let's do this way and let's do it this way and let's incorporate this and let's incorporate this .

So I try to teach them how to set a system , a structure , because things don't seem to have any structure when we're going through grief , right , and so , like , give them a sense of structure , like prayer is a greater structure . It's like there's a beginning and there's an end , right .

And so I try to teach them like the beginning and the end , which is like Abba and Aramaic , which is daddy , and then the last word is amen , right . So I simplify it .

I go , hey , look , the basic A's , right , let's start with that , and then let's fill it in and let's make it real simple , because people are overwhelmed and they don't want complicated , right . So that's all I mean .

In my opinion , counseling , our job as counselors is to show how we can simplify things and how to correct , you know , irrational thoughts and how to correct our perceptions of things , because they're distorted right now , especially with pain that's caused by grief Right .

Prayer can be tapped into anywhere , anytime , it's free , and I'm hearing you simplifying it to your client so that they can take that and be empowered through it in their own grieving process , and I mean I'm learning so much about you with your training and your background as a life coach and in worship .

I'm wondering , like , do you have a like a Spotify playlist that you recommend people ? I mean , I can't even do you all of that .

At times they're overthinking , and so I simplify it where it's like you're not thinking , overthinking anything . But that's like on my background of music too . So I have that background of music . I mean , I've studied music since I was like six years old .

I've sang opera , I've sang all different genres of music , and so it's very interesting when you can incorporate the music into into therapy , right , and just using it responsibly like any other tool , right , and it's like , okay , well , let's , let's do this . And they're like , well , some people are like I don't see it working .

And I don't see it and I like , okay , well , it's what's going on , like what's happening , right , because a lot of the people that don't see it working , they're wanting it so much more quicker , and so I tie it to tempo Until everyone .

It's all about tempo , and tempo is related to music , you know , and so I teach them to slow it down in terms of tempo , because most people that are stressed out . They have a very high tempo , right , and that high tempo causes them to rush , and when you rush , you're not thinking properly , right , you're not thinking properly .

You usually have negative consequences . And so I teach people let's , let's change the negative consequences to positive consequences , because consequences don't have to always be negative . That's the connotation that I'm talking about , my consequences quite often .

For a lot of people , they think consequences are bad , and I teach them consequences don't always have to be bad . They can , they can be good , and so it's just reframing their way of thinking , you know , and quite often the feedback I get from most of my patients are wow , I didn't think about that , right . Well , that's my job , right .

So to have a classically trained musician and clinician and coach wraps up into one who will simplify the process , right , I mean that sounds incredibly empowering . I'm sure very powerful and rewarding for you and your clients .

Because I wonder , when you , when you start giving them those tools and I let you say , responsibly , just like any other tool when we start giving them those tools , how do you , what kind of changes do you see ? How do your clients know that they're playing ?

I tell them if , no matter how I can be the greatest therapist in the world , you can meet the greatest therapist in the world and I don't think to be the greatest therapist in the world we even had a great therapist in the world and you don't follow through and you're not consistent and you don't buy in , it's useless , right .

And so if they buy in , they see results immediately , like they'll see results even day one if they buy in , right . So I tell everyone you know it's not really the therapist . That's part of the , I think , the secret formula or secret sauce . The other part is do you trust that therapist ? Right . And so if they buy in , they clearly trust the therapist .

They follow through , the grief starts to taper down , they're more stable , right . And I've seen 360s . You know , I had a client they lost their wife , a very intelligent person .

It was very difficult in the beginning , like oh , okay , and then plenty of things Like we probably have to see a psychiatrist , you know , and you probably have to do this , you probably have to do this . And when they started doing the things that we talked about , they're talking about their future . You know they're talking about .

Maybe I can start a relationship , maybe I can do this . You know what's retirement that I look like in a positive outlook , right ? So I think , as you see the ship from hopelessness to being hopeful , right . And so you see this transition from feeling that sorrow , the transitioning to feeling happy , right . So that's what I see with my clients .

It's you , alexander , simplify it and give you tools and when you find that provider that you trust , you could see results instantly and really look towards an indicator , like looking towards a future with hope .

Because I remember when you said , like going through a process that can be painful and there's grief , it's you're just trying to get day by day and there's a lot of race and when you can slow down and imagine creatively and with hope a future that is bright and what a transformative process that is .

So that was very enlightening to what it looks like to navigate the process of grief . I'm saying I think sometimes people mention cultural factors . I think you know my background is the Hispanic American mission .

There's cultures within cultures , within cultures that there are and I think some culture barriers to people sometimes allowing themselves permission to go to an outside stranger , you know , not looking at family friend , not a kind of church priest , pastor and navigate through this together .

So any recommendations I know it depends on the person right , and ideally it sounds like you work with the person to create boundaries and have a response and also like to be proactive and stating what they need or want .

What's one thing I can do to be helpful while you're grieving and you give that person an opportunity to tell you their story , right , because maybe it is the cast role that they need , right , or maybe it's just space for a few days , right , and if they tell you those things , you know , like I just need some space for a few days , you say , well , are we

thinking like three days or we think in about four days ? Which is better for you ? Like , it's just clarifying , clarifying .

Clarifying , I am besides simplicity , one , because most people are overwhelmed and we don't overwhelm them even more , and I think what happens is , again , people get caught up with their intent of trying to be helpful and then usually it is in , I think , a variety of cultures that go to as food , you know , and so what happens is I've heard all the time they're

like I've got so much food , like it's some of it's spoiling because we can't eat it . All right , and they also don't want to be disrespectful , because in many cultures , across all different cultures , but what I noticed was any culture outside of the American culture . It's insulting if you say no , so it's . How do we navigate through that ?

I think , if you're very clear . Hey guys , you know , I know we're all part of a circle . How about this ? Can someone take charge of creating a list and spreadsheet ? And it's sure I can do that . You know , like they feel like they're doing something .

I'm creating a spreadsheet , okay , well , let's take turns then , and so they feel like you're actually going to enjoy the food that's being brought . So there's a lot of things you can do . It just depends on the situation . But , yeah , my go-to is what's one thing I can do to be more helpful .

connect ? You work with clients in all of Texas , right ?

But yeah , they're in the Dallas Fort Worth area . I'd like to see them at least one time . That's kind of like my ground rule . But of course there's exceptions if you live in Houston or Austin or El Paso , texas . I think that's the beauty of having telehealth . It's actually opened up more doors for me because we're limiting it to just Dallas , fort Worth Now .

We're expanding and so it's hard to even get a hold of a therapist . It's hard to get a therapist of color , it's hard to get a male therapist too , so there's a lot of different .