Ep 56 Family Healing: Heather Rhodes on Setting Boundaries and Embracing Change

Her company is called Fixing the Fix , and Fixing the Fix is a wonderful organization that helps family members who live with loved ones who have a mental health or substance use disorder and conflict resolution . Welcome .

family members or loved ones I am curious if you don't mind sharing , why do you do the wellness work that you do ?

And you know , there was a time in my life where I had to seek change for myself and I had a counselor that I went to tell me , you know , if one thing doesn't change in your relationship , then nothing's going to change .

And after years of going through a cycle of dealing with a loved one who was an alcoholic and being on this roller coaster ride and being codependent and dealing with with the crazies , you know , if I look back of all of the stuff that I did and that I couldn't believe that I did and how I lived , and even friends would ask me how do you put up with

that ? And so I was . This statement that she made was very simple , but it finally was an aha moment for me where it made a lot of sense and I was kind of like , you know , oh crap . You know I have to be the change . You know , in order for anything to change , I have to be the change .

And it was scary and it took a lot of courage and I knew that my life was going to change drastically and I was going to have to make a lot of sacrifices in order to move forward . Because , you know , I was moving forward as a single parent and with with three kids , and I knew that it was going to be a change for them as well .

And , you know , as a parent , we all want to protect our children and we want them to have the stability in their lives and to not have to go through these kinds of situations .

But ultimately , I knew that being in the situation we were in may even make things worse for them and me than better and for the person that I loved , you know , because there wasn't any change being affected .

Sitting there , thinking , looking at you know , with tears and you know some type of peace , and sometimes like what happened ? Why did this happen ? Just really looking at , okay , I didn't cause this , I can't cure it and I can't control it either , and that is scary .

That is a scary thing to step into being like , okay , I've got my kids , I've got me , and I feel like I have no control about what's going on in the future and what I expected has been derailed completely .

You know nobody gets married to get a divorce and you know that is that's not the goal or the outcome that we want and but it happens .

And so I found that you know , with a lot of people on this journey in dealing with mental health even , and addiction and substance use disorders in general , that it's very difficult in relationships with communication , with conflict resolution , with focusing on ourselves and having appropriate self-care , and that starts with having boundaries , and boundaries are something

that are uncomfortable for us as human beings to have for others , because if we weren't taught to have them growing up and we need to implement them at some point in our lives , it's difficult to make that change , because nobody wants to be uncomfortable and it's we need to sit with ourselves at times and allow our children to even to be in a space where

they're uncomfortable . Being uncomfortable , it's really okay and it's okay for us to learn how to do hard stuff .

Expectations are premeditated resentment such a powerful statement , so hard to communicate effectively if you feel resentment . But what are some , I guess , practical tips or suggestions you provide to family members when it comes to implementing boundaries , knowing that it'll probably cause conflict ? Right , I think that's one of the hard things .

It's just typically boundaries aren't always met with , uh , like a thumbs up , like okay , sounds good , I will honor and respect your boundaries . So how do you ? Well , it doesn't work that way .

And you know , I I this is going to be a wild statement to hear , but I really had a family member one time that when I was setting a boundary that said fuck your boundaries , I don't care about your boundaries , and I was like , wow , you know , I feel really disrespected and I mean really , though , if someone's not respecting your boundaries , that is essentially

what they're saying . You know , you know I don't respect you and I'm not going to do that . You and I'm not going to do that . And so what I say to people and I feel like I have to be very direct with family members and clients you know , fix yourself first .

That's the reason why , you know , my , my business is now changed and I changed the name of it for this very reason it's fix yourself , fixing the fix , but we're fixing our own fixes .

Fix yourself first , because if we don't fix ourselves , then you know it's hard for us to really and truly help anyone else in the way that they need to be helped and that is with setting boundaries . And my tips are , with setting boundaries , when we set them , we have to stick to them .

And when you set a boundary , you are going to experience the person who you set the boundary with I would say kind of retaliating or , you know , kind of being I call it a rat or a rat attack . They're going to lash out at you .

If you understand , like you're going to feel them lashing out because they are not used to that and they don't want you to change what you've been doing , and so they will lash out . And then it's important to restate your boundary and make it effective and help them to understand that you are not changing your mind .

This is what you've decided and you know this is what works for me . It may not work for you , but this is how I need to take care of myself , and so you may have to reinforce that boundary again .

And then I believe that what we call it next , or what I like to refer to it is , is sometimes there will be , after two or three times of setting boundaries , a burst of extinction , and that is where a person finally realizes and they're like , wow , she's really not going to change and I'm not going to be able to get my way Like a temper tantrum with a

toddler . You know , so to speak , she is going to stick to this and this is not going to change . And so , anyway , then they realize that I'm not going to be able to push the same buttons anymore that I've been pushing for a long time in order to manipulate and get my way with this person and have them back down .

How does that tie in when it comes to conflict resolution ? What do you see come up ? Whether it's in you know , is it that being unable to have conflict resolution or handle conflict even prior to that leads to that kind of retaliation ? What do you see usually come up with this ?

Just with your background as a mediator , I mean , I'm sure you really have delved into this .

Well , we have to move past the past and you need to look at that person and the situation at today and how they are today and how you know I am today and what , what I need to take care of myself and my needs and wants and also think about the future , like where do we want this relationship to go or do we want it to go anywhere ?

And how does that look for the future and think in terms of what our goals are and what we would both like our guidelines to be for the future .

In this relationship , whether it's a personal relationship , whether it's a business relationship , like in organizations , there's a lot of conflict in colleges , with students and professors and that organization , there's conflict and being able to set guidelines that both people can live by and knowing that they have a voice and they can be heard , understood and , you know

, cared about with the place that they're coming from and working together to resolve that conflict .

You know from the positions of interest that where they need to get their needs met , and so everybody has a certain position that's important to them and so I believe hearing that and understanding that is and taking the time , you know , to really listen and communicate , that is important .

go . Maybe not letting is it letting go of the past , but looking at the present and the future , like where am I right now , where do I want to go ? And a lot of that is , I'm sure , goal setting . Is that something that comes ?

Short term goals , you know long , you know moderate , you know , and then long term , and you know what we are living with today .

Also , you know , in a relationship , we may decide and we all get to decide for ourselves , but we may decide , you know , at some point , if this continues and this kind of behavior that I'm experiencing with this other person in the relationship or in a business partnership , you know , you know at some point I'm not going to be able to do this anymore because

it's not working for me . And so , helping that person also to understand you know that and where you're coming from , because you know maybe it's toxic .

It could be a toxic relationship , like personal relationships or marriages can become toxic , and but business partnerships can become toxic also , and so , anyway , I think it's really looking at you know where , how this relationship was established and you know what has has occurred and happened and you know are we able to you know , reestablish consistency and honest ,

open and honest communication and vulnerability . You know , with each other to make the changes that are both going to work for us moving forward for us moving forward .

So for those listening who might think , okay , well , I don't know if I necessarily can relate to having a family member that is directly impacting me because of their substance use disorder or mental health challenges Conflict comes up in so many environments .

What are some , I guess , indications that maybe , maybe , conflict is not something that you've learned how to feel comfortable with or learn how to navigate ? And what are some suggestions , practical tips on developing skills and strategies within conflict ?

I mean , it's like in business , a risk reward , but there's a risk and a reward in relationships too . Do I want to continue to risk being hurt by this person , even if it's a family member , like ?

Something that I wanted to say is when it comes to family members , there are family members , you know , and I've heard stories that treat each other terribly and in ways in which they don't deserve to be treated . And you know , like I say to my clients , you know , would you treat your best friend this way , you know ?

Then why are you allowing someone to treat you this way ? And so why would you stay in a relationship ? Would you tell your friend to stay in a relationship like this if they were being hurt and harmed and spoken to in this way , and you know pointing out how toxic that is ?

But I think people understanding you know to get back to your question and you know , answer that they from the inside . They don't always see it themselves .

You know , and I believe that's where somebody like me comes in with resolving conflict or coaching , counseling is from the outside , looking in and from my knowledge , background , experience , where they're at and look at , you know , having these aha moments , like you know , tying it back into our earlier conversation , like I did at one time on this cycle of insanity

. You know that they're in and that they may not even realize that they're on , because I believe for a lot of people , you know , it just becomes and feels normal and it's easier to , or they think , you know , I thought at one time I understand it's easier to stay in it and just put up with it and deal with it and learn how to cope in it .

Then it may be to take a risk to make different decisions around this whole situation or this relationship .

What are some signs that you see in your clients or you've experienced in yourself , just to bring some hope to listeners who find themselves okay , I am trapped in this cycle where this person is lashing out , I can't enforce my boundaries , they're hurting me . I'm in this toxic relationship , whether it's business , work , friendships , partners .

What are some signs that you've seen , some changes that can instill hope for those when they choose to take that risk and step out of the cycle ?

You know , because I don't know about for you , but most people that I talk to and for me I feel it when I have anxiety around a situation or around another person , or I feel confused or I know that someone is not being honest with me and they're being deceptive or not telling the truth .

I believe that over time we can look at this and history and see that this isn't the first time that this has happened .

And if I'm feeling confused in any relationship , whether it's a personal relationship or a business relationship , or you know with anyone that that is not okay with me , we do not need to be in a relationship where you know we kind of wonder , like God , what's going on .

And you know I hear one thing one day and one thing another day , and you know why is this person acting like this , what ? And so then that tells me , well , what are they hiding ? And so you know then I have to look at myself or ask a client . You know why do I think or why do you think we deserve to be treated that way ?

And what are you going to do different around that ? If you know you're you are asking questions and you're not getting a straight answer or you're being faced with deception or confused , that confusion or someone's not being transparent .

And you know , when you're in a business relationship and there's a lot at risk , a lot that you're putting , you know , on the table , and even you know ourselves in a personal relationship , I mean , you know we're putting our emotions into it , which are huge , and we're putting a lot of time and energy into these relationships , all of them .

And so you know why don't we want any second of our life that needs to be fulfilling and purposeful and meaningful .

Why don't we want to waste our time , you know , with this person or waste our resources and you know , then take the risk of there being potentially a negative outcome that we're hurt by because we were dealing with someone who and I hear this a lot someone who was supposed to love us and care about us , or a friendship that turned into a business relationship ,

that this friend is not being transparent or honest , and why are we continuing in this sort of relationship ?

You know it's not a typical , normal , healthy environment . So the kind of healthy response and to listen to your gut instinct can also just be kind of quieted down . So I love that you bring that up to listen to your gut and in order to kind of reclaim your time , your resources , fulfillment in life .

I think that's such an important thing to bring up and it takes courage , like you mentioned . It takes courage , but what an amazing reward to be able to have fulfillment and meaning back in your life .

I know you're available for coaching . You mentioned coaching and counseling earlier Coaching nationwide and counseling in the state of Texas . How can people connect with you ?