Ep 36 A Compassionate Approach to Grief during the Holidays: Conversation with Wendy Kessler

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I'm learning and listening to your host and today I'm so excited to speak with Wendy Kessler again . We had a previous episode you can check it out in season one and we talked all about grief in that episode , so I wanted to bring her back on so we can really discuss grief around the holidays .

And in this episode we're going to get to talk about active grieving , what that looks like , what that means , rather than like passive grieving , and also she's going to give us some really practical tips and ideas on what we can do with our grief and even give us a handout , a tangible handout . So we'll talk about how you can get access to that .

So tune in . So , hi , welcome . Thank you so much for joining again on this episode .

But what I really want to talk about right now is there's been conversations about provider burnout , with a lot going on in the world , so I've been really curious about , as a provider who's bringing healing into the world and for provider and to other clients , what has been encouraging you to continue on the wellness work that you do .

We hold so much vicarious grief for our clients and the people we're serving and the people we care about and we have to have ways to acknowledge that , to process it again and to release . It is so important in being able to do this work long term .

I have to practice what I teach and just be really mindful of the grief that I hold for other people that I have a way professionally , ethically , to process and release that . And one of the things I do is I'm a part of a support group for therapists that meets twice a month .

It's been fantastic just to support like have a safe , confidential space to take care of ourselves .

So really interesting that it put like some wheels returning with your response with that . So thank you for sharing . I want to start with really diving into active grieving before we hit record . You share it .

You know this idea of active grieving , so I want to dive into what you think with the holidays coming around , by the time this episode airs , thanksgiving will just have passed and we're entering some more holidays that come in the winter , and so how do you think are some approaches that , what is active grieving and how can we apply that around the holidays ?

And it were so unprepared for the reality of life when we don't grow up having healthy grief modeled for us . And again , we don't teach children how we teach children not to have certain emotions and we reward other emotions .

We don't teach children that all emotions are natural , all emotions are necessary , that emotions tell us what we need and how to feel process without judging our own emotions .

And then you know , we don't train our helping professionals how to help people to navigate grief , loss , failure , you know , suffering , sorrow , and so it just all of these things together just make grief so complex for us .

And we kind of fall into this mindset of if I'm grieving something , it's because someone made a mistake , something went wrong , I or someone else , like there's been some sort of failure and now I just I didn't have any control over it and now I just have to passively endure this pain until it is over , until my grief ends , and actually complicate some pro

longs . It makes grief longer , deeper , wider , heavier . For us it really is understanding that we can actively grieve . It's not something to passively endure . We have agency and we have resilience .

And when we access those things and we engage with our grief , when we actively grieve , when we see grief as a life skill actually becomes , it doesn't take the pain away , but we start like creating and finding space to be able to move and grow within that and not feel so stuck within grief experience .

And so I think this is that's something I'm talking about , talking to my clients about all the time .

I think it's especially relevant during the holidays , when we have so many traditions , so many expectations of where we're supposed to be , what we're supposed to do , who we're supposed to be with , and that everyone's supposed to be happy and joyful , and you know .

So having to show up in all of these traditional spaces with the pressure to be happy makes the holidays so overwhelming for people grieving significant loss . And you know , I just want to add to that losses and grief isn't just death loss In the patients .

I've started them with a slide that shows the dictionary definition of grief and the word that is not in it . And we're all grief with death loss , but any significant loss that we're experiencing , we have to grieve that loss .

That is how we again just come to understand what we need , how we process , how we adapt Again , just how we find the space to be able to rebuild our lives and ourselves and experience , you know , essentially moving forward , but with the holidays and actively grieving when we realize that there are some things that we can do , rather than just avoiding our grief ,

trying to minimize , deny it , kind of put it away as we attend different traditions , gatherings , different things that are typical for us during this time of year . We actively grieve when we can tolerate the distress of our grief enough to really think about what do I need during this time , what do I need over these next few weeks ?

Actually find again that space to be able to have some movement during the holidays instead of just feeling so stuck by and just expectation .

So I'm sure giving yourself the freedom to say this is a loss , even though it's not a death , and it does value in terms of the significance and role it plays in my life , this loss , and I feel like there's so many layers of allowing yourself freedom that is involved , to not be stuck even with your ideas .

Should I even allow myself , or does this merit at a loss and feeling the loss and grieving ?

To express my feelings rather than just when we understand grief is how we process all significant loss , Everybody . Loss is the most universal human experience , so every holiday gathering that we're coming to , really everybody in the room is grieving something , whether it's it may not be a death loss , but it could be a relationship , a career , a dream , help .

There are many losses that we all hold throughout our life and when we can be more open about that , it actually can be this beautiful place of connection and community . When we can be open , just open about losses that we're experiencing and what we're holding , versus just denying and putting on the happy exterior , I could totally see that .

And so when we part of actively grieving is just , even if it's just to ourselves , I mean , I'm also not suggesting that we walk into , I gather again just like like experience , open with all of my loss . I'm just kind of , you know , air everything out .

But it's just even having just our own awareness and validation , without judgment to ourselves , that I'm grieving and I'm holding a pain in loss as I go into this event or gathering and it's okay if I'm not myself , it's okay if I need to leave early , it's okay if I avoid certain topics .

You know , if I have just gone through a heartbreaking breakup , I don't need to ask my relative about their amazing relationship . Like I don't need to , like I can put some boundaries for myself on what conversations are that I can engage in it in a present way and what's just gonna be too painful for me .

And you know , part of actively grieving also is vocalizing what we need to our family . And you know , respectful

. But you know something so common for people who've experienced a death loss is they come to a family gathering and nobody wants to say the name of their person who died .

And that is a secondary loss , like just not hearing the name of your loved one spoken by your family and friends , not hearing A lot of times , you know , with these , you know annual gatherings , kind of the same stories get told and there's something special in that .

And then if no one wants to say any of the stories that involve your loved one who died or your partner that you just broke up , like it , just it can . That absence can be painful For some people . They don't want stories or names said but some people do and again , this is a part of active grieving . That it's not right or wrong .

It's not that your person's name has to be said , but if it's comforting to you to hear their name , if you want that , then part of actively grieving is just respectfully telling your family that Because a lot of times our family and friends aren't saying a loved one's name at these gatherings because they don't want to bring up our grief , they don't want to

upset us . Grieving person I have ever spoken with says you know I'm grieving 24 seven . Like I don't start grieving because you say my loved one's name . I am all ready every moment of the day , grieving that they're not here . So you saying their name doesn't upset me . It's actually for many people harder , just the absence of their name .

So just to , and a lot of , I think , family and friends , because they love us , they need to hear from us . Please keep praying . You know your person's name , like , say the name your loved one . I need to hear their name and conversation . It's comforting to me .

Even if I get choked up , it still is comforting and it's meaningful and it matters to me that they're not forgotten by my family and by my friends and by their children .

So please keep telling their stories , please keep using their name , part of active breathing , just stating that , if that's comforting , state being really clear and a lot of times family will be more open to that because they're not using the name , because they want to protect , they want to protect us and they think it's better . So there are .

Just actively grieving is kind of tending to our grief , being aware of our grief and not just again , not just walking into the room and kind of overtaking the whole you know vibe of the room with our grief , but just thinking through what we need and being you know , knowing and giving ourselves permission to actively and intentionally stick .

It's finding really intentional what I learned the way you said attending to your stuff , like nurturing , really looking into our needs , might be . That is a really great tip to share with with loved ones .

I love that and before gatherings , I mean this is something that happens like you would recommend to your clients pick up the phone and share with their closest loved ones . Do people typically share at the gathering ? I mean , what would you ? How does that communication piece come along ? Would you recommend ?

I would just do it in the same way , like if your family next these kinds of like just personal updates , and there's a group text and you're like guys , please feel free to share , like I want to hear those stories to don't stop that tradition because it was my loved ones favorite thing and right , yeah , yes , and you know , part of actively grieving can be

making your loved ones favorite dish , like your loved one who's died that isn't at a gathering like make their favorite it again . All of this is if it's comforting to you and there's no right or wrong .

A table somewhere in the home or where people are gathering , the where you have , you know , photos and candles of family members who passed or family members you know aren't able to aren't there , and bringing like remembrance into our gatherings is a really can be a very comforting way , like having that way to finding new ways to connect with a loved one who's

died . As part of our new traditions , ongoing traditions , be really meaningful to families .

People do it even for their pet , maybe like their favorite treats , but I think they're just culturally reminding me of that . But I love the idea of being able to do it at a gathering and lighting the candle and I think that's before we get record . Is that the hand up that you have that we can make accessible for listeners ?

You know , you have five candles and there's something you say as you light each candle that just honors different parts of a person , our relationship with them , and the parts of a relationship and love that continue , you know , even after a loved one's died . But it's incorporated into this . Ritual .

And rituals are so important because , you know , our words , our words can only get us so far really in expressing and experiencing some of our deepest emotions and just life experiences . So rituals that utilize our body , that we're active within this expression of grief or love for someone who's died , is so powerful because , again , words are limiting .

When we do something active together , like recite , you know , a poem and light a candle , and we're having a moment of silence .

When we're doing these things , especially in community with others , there's just something so powerful because there's something shared and known that doesn't require us to come up with the right words to be able to explain it , it's just felt and that can be also really freeing when we're holding so much as we're moving to the holidays .

I also have a Griever's Bill of Rights that I can send as well , just a one-page document just reminding us that we it's what I was saying about just needing to be tender and take care of ourselves during the holidays .

And there are some things that it will bring us a lot of comfort to do at the same , but there's also things we need to do differently , and there's perhaps some things that we need to not do this holiday season .

Because it is too painful , and we have the right to do that Also a part of active grieving , like we have the right to say no , that's not , that's too painful or too hard or just not fitting with what I need this season .

So to say no to certain traditions or to change certain traditions is a really important part of how we grieve during the holidays that we don't just try to wipe people and do it all the same .

The Bill of Rights sounds back to that freedom of allowing yourself , freedom to tend to yourself so that you can ultimately get some of that other freedom as well , of being able to express your grief and not be stuck . I love that . So it looks like it just comes back to that freedom a lot .

I also , you know , when it comes to those , those are really key practical tips and ideas , anything else you wanted to share with listeners and that might help guide them through .

I feel like these are incredible ones , just in terms of being able to communicate with people , like what your wish and desire is , to keep the name there or not , to talk about them openly or not . Being able to do rituals which you'll provide access to as a resource , anything else that might help people in this time to try out .

It can be like a gratitude jar or a memory jar with pieces of paper and everybody can write a memory about a loved one you know who's died or who isn't able to be there , a memory or a funny story or maybe a story that that person liked to tell , or even just one word , like one word , you know , if we want to keep it short and sweet , just one word

that describes that person . And again then as part of the meal or maybe during dessert , like you know , someone goes through and just reads all of the you know what's been written in the jar .

And again , just a way to integrate someone who , if someone who is missed at a holiday gathering , like integrating their memory and the love that we still hold for them , like into that gathering again , if that is comforting . You can do the same thing for people who practice Christmas with stockings .

You can have a stocking for a loved one who has died , or are there things in the stockings throughout the holiday season . Again , either just memories or a word , or funny stories .

You know , humor is one of our best coping skills and one of the things that's so necessary with grief is it helps us to integrate not just the loss but integrate all of our emotions into the loss and into the love .

And so telling funny stories and laughing together as we remember , even if we're crying and laughing at the same time , it's just so important to again just this being able to integrate someone back into , like figuring out how someone fits into our life that we don't want totally gone From our memory , from the conversation , from the gatherings .

So this doesn't have to be like heavy and somber , like when we talk about having a remembrance jar , telling stories , like you can say , if it's comforting to share funny things , share humorous things , to allow kind of the fullness of a person in a relationship to be a part of that gathering and that remembrance .

So I love your idea of just combining them all into like a superpower of storytelling and humor and gathering and all together at one , and I can see how that would be so so healing , absolutely . Yeah , I love that .

It's part of having a good , just agency and actively grieving and at the same time give yourself permission to completely ditch the plan or revise the plan if that day it's not the right fit . But there's just something powerful in making . Whether you carry out the plan you know , bullet point for bullet point or not there's something powerful .

And just realizing I have some control over this day . I don't have to dread this day coming up and then get through it . You know , with a knot in my stomach all day long , like to plan out how you're going to spend the day . Any day within this holiday season that is particularly meaningful for you , for the community that you gather with .

Make a plan of how you want to spend the day , how you want to honor someone , and then again ditch the plan if you need to . But you're again . This is just something . I have to whiten , that goal or kind of endure and get through .

I think , as providers , you know we get to see the inside inner workings and the hearts and the minds of people and what they're carrying . And I think and there's so much white knuckling and I love the idea of being able to be really aware , to tap into what would help you in your day and have some autonomy and agency and what you get to choose to do .

I feel like that would be such a wonderful thing to do and with empowerment and control and especially with your tips and ideas and handouts I think tangible things , I think that makes it really clear , like the bullet point or plan . I think there's something to seeing , seeing something concrete , something you can touch . That is really helpful . So I love that .

I

guess .

compassionate to someone that we care about , that we're supporting , than we are to ourselves . And so , to just be mindful , am I talking to myself about my grief as I go through the holidays and my expectations and the permission I'm giving myself to grief ? Am I saying to myself the same thing that I would say to a friend ?

And it really , if we're not , we need to be aligning the voice at our head to ourselves with the same grace and compassion that we have , would say to others .