¶ Relationship Issues
Hey there , lovely listeners . Today we're taking a trip down memory lane on the Tele Wellness Hip Podcast . I'm your host , marta Hamilton , and we're revisiting a classic episode still with what I think is some timeless wisdom and insight that could be really helpful for us to revisit .
So , whether it's a favorite you've missed or a gem worth revisiting , let's dive in together and be inspired .
Hi , welcome to the Tele Wellness Hub Podcast . Today I have the pleasure of speaking with Greg Lozano . Greg is a licensed professional counselor in the state of Texas , providing online counseling for residents who live within Texas , and owner of a grant of wellness counseling .
He began in the field of mental health about 13 years ago as a mental health case manager and , at the time , quickly realized that he wanted to help others in a more profound way than simply skills training .
He is a helping professional who loves what he does and when you meet with him you notice the warmth that he brings to others care , and he specializes in relationship issues , anxiety and panic attacks . Welcome , greg , thank you .
Thank you for having me .
Yes , I'm excited to talk to you and just dive into more about relationships . And before we dive in , I want to ask you this question why do you do the wellness work that you do ?
Well , the simple answer is obviously just to help others . But the reason I like doing couples work and a relationship work in general is because a lot of our experiences are based off of relationships .
So somebody may come in with anxiety or depression or symptoms like that , but as you start to ask further and further , there's usually a contextual background involving relationships with others .
Now , not to say that's the only cause of symptoms such as anxiety or depression , but there can be a lot of reasons for depression and anxiety stemming from relationship issues .
Absolutely . I'm wondering when people come to you and you might start noticing maybe there are aspects that are from the relationship that are being affected with any anxiety and different things . What are some things you might notice ?
Well , when I do , when I do couples work , and even on an individual basis , when the individual client is coming with a relationship concern , the first thing that I go to is trying to get a feel for their attachment style and so that's basically the way that they tend to relate to other people , and that's usually where anxiety can can manifest itself .
So be it in fear of abandonment or , you know , fear of just losing their partner , and that's that's a good starting point , because that gives me a map as to what it is that they're struggling with and how it is that I could help them .
That's such a good point about attachment styles . There's a lot of conversations about that . Now for those who might be familiar or aware .
I don't know if you can give a little bit of a description of some things , the types of attachment styles or things you might notice like some signs of that you might have a certain type or lean towards a certain attachment style .
Well , those dynamics , they're very interesting on the person that's on the receiving end as well as on the person that's experiencing the conflict . And that that would be , of course , depending on their specific attachment style .
But if you have , for example , an avoidant , and mostly avoidant attachment style , then the way that person would respond to stressing the relationship would be to shut down , got it ? So that's a very common issue that I get . It's like I try and talk to him and he just shuts down .
That's a very common phrase , and so that's where you begin to have issues with communication .
Just that shutting down , yeah .
and the other attachment style , for example , can be an anxious type and depending on the severity of it , it could be they could feel so needy , and they can . Those types of attachment styles are evident when the person is very demanding .
So you might hear their partner say , well , she's just too demanding , or he's just too demanding , he needs so much for me and he needs too much attention , or I can't do anything without them . That's how they manifest themselves within the context of relationships .
When those needs are not met with , a person can be susceptible to depression or anxiety about the relationship and whatnot .
Right , how empowering it must be for your clients to learn more about their own attachment style or their own factors , kind of playing a role , or also their significant others , and know that it has something to do with maybe their own attachment styles , their own relationships , outside relationships and being able to really create tools or work on communication once
knowing that .
Right , yeah , I think providing a psycho education is very crucial and very important because they need to understand why they do what they do and it certainly helps , like , for example , as I do this kind of work and I get my trainings and I do my readings , I reflect on my own attachment style and so it puts into context .
You know why we have the needs we have and , more especially , how we go about getting those needs met .
Right , I love that you say that , because I think it's wonderful when therapists are really intentional about doing their own work . It's kind of like if you go to a work trainer trying to get a workout for yourself but they don't train , you know , they don't do their workouts themselves . I think it's important to do the work yourself .
I think it's awesome that you're actively , mindfully looking at your own attachments , that you're doing your own trainings , of course , so that you can help make a bigger impact for others as well and probably relate to them .
Right , it's just yeah , yeah , like I can see myself . You know , and we all , we don't , we're not set to like a particular attachment style and you know , we're just ourselves .
We find ourselves boxed in Like it's not really that way we can have a secured attachment base and when we're under stress we can tend to get a little anxious , or maybe a little avoidant or dismissive . So we all have our tendencies , because that's what makes us human .
Right , absolutely Right . There's not one perfect way to operate all the time . We're human there are things that absolutely we all have our own experiences . They're all cultural backgrounds , different factors that play a role .
Absolutely , that makes the sense you know , talking about kind of some things that you might show up as stressors or anxiety in relationships and wondering if you can share a little bit about what are some signs or what are things to look for when in a healthy relationship , a healthy , fulfilling , meaningful relationship .
Okay . So looking at it from from an attachment based lens , what a healthy relationship would look like would be one in which both people feel safe and secured in their relationship . What I mean by that is if one person can turn towards their partner and pretty much ask them are you there for me ?
The other person willingly says , yes , I'm here for you , now I'm not . I'm not referring to this , as you know , literally just like that , but that type of that type of bond manifests itself in a different way . For example , hey , I had a very hard day at work . And the other person can respond by hey , okay , well , what happened ?
You know you just seem a little bit stressed out . You know I wonder what it is that happened . Tell me about it . So that's the person reaching out to them and the other one being susceptible to it . And that's what dependability is . We can depend on our partner to be there emotionally for us .
Right , Like having curiosity . I'm not an expert in relationships , but I've heard , I've heard adults mention things like bids for attention . Right , they're sharing , they're sharing something and their partner speaks with curiosity , wanting to learn more , wanting to engage , investing in more about their partner .
Yes , yes . So pretty much I mean we can . We can answer to our partners in multiple different ways . It's just whether or not , how healthy it is .
Why .
If we , if we tend to be avoidant and we shut down , well , that's a response , we're answering to them , but it's not the most ideal .
Right , because no response is still a response . That's interesting point that .
I'm .
Right , right .
Or we can be anxious ourselves and we're like you know , I just I can't hear you out right now . Or whatever the case may be , there may be the anxiety within them that they're not ready to be available to them when they want to talk . So each attachment style has its ways of manifesting themselves within the relationship .
Right and there's not one size fits all . Right , everyone is different and brings in a different power to it . What are some of the common reasons people come for couples counseling or relationship coaching or counseling ? I know that sometimes people think , well , things have got to be really bad . You're trying to sign like , do I stay or do I go .
But there are also people who don't proactively write to work on their communication or certain goals .
Yeah .
Chris , what are some of the lower common reasons or common things that you see people wanting to achieve through couples counseling ?
¶ Improve Communication and Conflict in Relationships
Usually what I get a lot is husbands or the male partners don't listen to their wives or they don't pay attention . They don't listen .
It's what I get , and so what I find is that a lot of the complaints that wives bring up is that they just want to offer them solutions , when all they're wanting to is just to be heard , and so obviously , as a counselor , I have to offer both of them some grace , and that's because the male brain were mostly wired for solution-based , problem-solving approaches .
Women are more maternal , more nurturing , and so they value more an emotional response from their partner rather than just answers . So if you have a wife that came stressed out from work , having a hard day at work , and they started talking to their husbands about it and their husbands automatically go to the solution , well , have you tried this ?
Have you tried that ? And it's not really that they want to be heard as to how hard it was for them . They want to be understood as to how hard their day was , and it makes a lot of sense .
My trainings that I get I get out from Dr Sue Johnson , and the last training I took from her she was stating how research has indicated that , over the past few decades , the institution of marriage has shifted slightly from an economical one to an emotional one , meaning that partners are now seeking someone that's willing to listen to them , that's willing to be
there for them emotionally , rather than being a good provider . And it makes sense , because nowadays both people work , so we don't really depend on another person for income . We depend on them emotionally .
That's interesting . Cytal changes really influence relationship and the work that you do in your office , I'm sure , and the things that come up and the dynamics .
Yeah .
If we're anybody out there listening and maybe we're late to either some of the things that you described . They're coming home and they're sharing . I had a hard day . Here's what happened and someone maybe someone who could really do , wanting to offer solutions and , like you mentioned , because of a neurobiological wiring right I tend to see , because of time . Any .
Are there any kind of key phrases or key suggestions that you could offer as a tip or suggestion ?
Well , just being able to , to learn a little bit about active listening and being able to tell their partner what it is that they're hearing , because , after all , when our partner comes home from work , we we want to see how their day was and is . They're coming home and they're telling us about it . We need to be able to communicate that .
Okay , so what I hear you saying is that meeting in the morning was , was very intense and that has a different connotation . That well , have you tried just talking to them ?
Yeah , you're so right .
Yeah , so it has a different way of connecting the two people that makes perfect sense , you know .
I laugh also because my background I'm a counselor , my husband works in construction as an engineer and he is like so problem-solving like Lacking the very concrete Baker very concrete and he has a wonderful heart and I know he loves me , but our conversations sometimes sound a little bit like what you described .
So I'm sure the work that you do offers a lot of , I guess , opening up windows to how the other person thinks and Operates . And right , eat , yeah , yeah , I'm sure , I'm sure there's some me really wonderful ways that you can help build communication through counseling .
I think , if you were gonna say , in terms of more conflict , conflict , there's opportunity for communication too . I feel like you know , I know we describe it our everyday conversations with our partners . You know , where this is what happened . What about actual conflict ? I think conflict is inevitable , right especially in the dynamic relationship .
What , what Recommendations would you say in terms of improving conflict resolution ?
So , Conflict resolutions would actually be the one of the most important components in being able to Maintain a long-term and satisfactory Marriage or relationship . It's actually what matters most is actually how you reconnect once you have a conflict , and the best advice I could give , or the best suggestion , would be to Create emotional safety first .
Like we , we have to remember that the person that we're having the conflict with is our partner right .
They're not our opponent or enemy right , Because as we get in that flight or fight , it's so easy to just be like right .
Yes , and so being able to be vulnerable in that sense really helps . The other person would be like more open to approaching you and they , and the way that happens is that person should know that it's okay to go to my partner .
He's not gonna bash me or reject me , and that's that's where the correctional emotional experience Comes into play with those who struggle with certain types of attachments .
I'm okay . Well , what would that look like to make that emotional safety ? I know Ruins different depending on style , depending on hands right .
I Know , what might that look like emotional safety can look like approaching our partner with tenderness , asking them if they're ready to talk .
Starting , you know being warm . Yeah , something like you ready .
Yeah , sometimes I have . The way I help on my clients create safety is by , you know , reaching for each other's hands , because that that certainly Would calm every anybody down , like if you just hold their hands and say , hey , are we ready to talk , can we talk now ?
Right , and just really as conveying , sending them the message that it's okay for them to reach out , right . So it takes , it takes both of them , it takes two to be vulnerable Because a person that's initiating the contact is is making themselves vulnerable because they can get rejected . What if the other person's not ready ?
Mm-hmm , and what is so the you're rejected . What is the ? I guess it could be start a cascade right of like feeling defensive for the rejection , but is it ? It's just right learning not to give up and having that tenderness of that's your partner . What would you say ? Well , what ? What would you say ?
in that , well , that's , that's where you work with each other's attachment style . So if you have an anxious avoidant , that where you struggle to regulate their mood and it's , it's gonna come down to the other person knowing them a little bit more and if they look calm enough to where they can be approached , right Right .
And keep in mind that it's not uncommon at all to be able to assign each person to an individual counselor and then me seeing them as a couple , because there's some attachment styles that really require a lot of work and that will go beyond the scope of a couple's decision .
Absolutely , that makes sense . That's a really good recommendation . I think sometimes people forget that they don't want to just do couples work , or what I've seen sometimes , too , is people say my partner needs therapy , not me . Right , they need to do something , not me .
I'm sure you've seen that too , but the reality is , I'm sure , just to have this space for individual or both people to share openly and then come together with the couples counselors really helpful . Do you see other trends with certain type of attachment styles typically peering up ? Are there certain ones that typically end up together ? Do you know ?
I know certain personalities I mean the common ones that are well known in the field is those tending towards narcissism really attract those that are have a tendency towards dependency , because it's kind of like they each provide what the other craves , right .
So that overall , what makes , I mean the ideal situation is when each person has a mostly secured attachment style , but the common trend is the anxious , avoidant attachment styles that they can be very emotional , emotionally responsive and they I see that pattern quite a lot .
Yeah , I was curious with kind of patterns . You see , I know that on your website . When I was looking at it before our interview , I saw that you offer even 15 minute online sessions . Do you help people learn more about their attachment style on there , or how can people learn more about their attachment style ? Does it require more of a longer session ?
Well , I just I put that in there just in case you know there's ongoing like , let's say that we go through a full course of treatment , right , and so those 15 minutes can be used as a touching base kind of thing , like every other month . Or they call back and they have a question hey , what was it that you said ? I just I wasn't too clear on that .
I think it's coming up . I just need a refresher . Yes , we'll just do a 15 minute phone call .
Absolutely no . That makes sense because I know some people offer 15 minute , sometimes intro , so I didn't know how that worked . But I think , especially with couples it's known , at least within the counseling field you need a lot more time . It's two people coming together , yeah , yeah .
Yeah , so for that , definitely one hour weekly sessions to start off , and then , as progress begins to take place , that we start spacing them out . But yeah , definitely so the intro , like the puzzle patients , at first they're free , like there's no charge for that .
Oh , wow , that's wonderful . That's really nice , because I think so often you don't know what counseling there's people who've never done counseling or you don't know what the counseling of that person might be like , which is part of why I wanted to make this podcast do , and so I think it's wonderful that you offer that opportunity for people .
I'm currently in the process of revising my website and that's one thing . I'll make sure to include it , because I don't think I have that in there . Okay , like free consults .
Oh , wonderful that's awesome so . Yeah , that's really neat . I want to shift gears a little bit but at the same time still want to talk a little bit about relationships , because , before we hit record , we're talking a little bit about how another area of specialty is working with medical providers .
Physicians In the past I have heard about not in a professional sense , maybe you do too but a lot of relationship issues can come up within medical professionals because of the high demands of work you know earlier you were talking about describing this example , you know , coming on from work and I'm thinking long hours , overnight shifts , being on call .
So I'm wondering if we can shift a little bit to talk about physicians , medical providers . Do you have an area of expertise within working with that population ? Just kind of what are some of the challenges you see ?
Well , actually , when it comes to physicians , I have yet to work with them . I'm trying to work with them and basically , one of the reasons why I wanted to do this podcast is to kind of make it known that there is help for doctors .
Yeah .
And what really made me think about this was that a while back I read an article on Medscape on physician suicide . Oh yeah , and it's kind of like we go to our doctors for our own issues , but I guess somehow we can easily forget that they're also human .
Right , yes , yeah .
Yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , and so , basically , like anything that I have training to provide help with , I want to offer that to physicians and medical doctors , because I think that if there's anyone that may struggle with the stigma behind mental health , it would probably be them .
Yes .
Yes . So that's why I really want to make it known that there is help out there and there's HIPAA , and if you don't trust HIPAA , then we can just do self-pay and not even worry about any paper trail that can come from filing insurance claims .
Right , unfortunately , that's something I've heard mentioned .
I mean .
My medical students . Actually , I had medical students say they were concerned about paper trails , them needing help , mental health support while completing residency , while completing medical . They're concerned that that would impact their role as a medical provider .
So I think that what you're doing , or hoping to do , so I guess your specialty , your specialized area of interest , I guess I , should I mis-spudged it would be .
Go on that standing .
Yes , I think it would be wonderful . I'm 100% in support of trying to find more support from our medical providers , especially after COVID . There was a lot they had to endure , plus other challenges . I mean , I'm sure you can imagine a lot of issues , but especially with stigma , of how was the stigma ?
Yes , yes , so I'm glad that you're opening up the conversation and opening your door to help medical doctors .
Yeah , because what you were saying , I mean you have a point . You know they work a long hours , they take on extra shifts and yeah , it takes it , it's told , not just on them personally , with the stress and all its effects , but with their loved ones as well , like their families are kids or wines .
Yes , yes , it has a big trickle down effect . And , yeah , we mentioned physical , the demanding hours , all of those things . So any medical providers out there listening Greg was on us out there for available for you . Yeah , living in Texas .
Yeah .
Yes , Absolutely . I think that it's important to consider those who are helping us heal too . I mean they're giving their time .
And I really think that doing this virtually is even more anonymous . Yes , and I was already thinking ahead . If I should get an office someday and see in person clients , I would probably schedule them like 15 minutes apart .
Right .
Yeah , so that's about as much as I can think of that , where I can really assure their anonymity , yes , their privacy .
Yes , that's important within our field . Just everyone listening and I know that you're really emphasizing it that HIPAA for those who aren't familiar , it's a Privacy , information , privacy and Protection Act . So you seeking mental health care is something that is private and protected and we take it very seriously .
We could lose our licenses and we enjoy our dogs , I mean , and it's important to us to be ethical and legally compliant . So I really appreciate this conversation with you . I really enjoyed it . I feel like we could keep talking more about all these topics Before we go . You know , wellness is the active pursuit , active goals for holistic health .
That is one of the definitions of wellness . I'm wondering if , for anyone listening , if you are going to help inspire or motivate or encourage them in their goals that they have , particularly around the relationships , any last piece of encouragement or recommendation that you might share for them on their wellness relationship .
¶ Seeking Help
Just overall , to not be afraid to seek help if you honestly believe that you need it . Like I said , HIPAA is there for a reason , and not only that . Like , you don't even have to walk out of your house to be able to do this .
There's a lot of therapists that all they do is online work , such as myself , and then the majority of the other providers do hybrid . So if you just rather have that extra layer of privacy , then you know there is a lot of help out there Even without insurance .
there's charity work that's being done by a lot of providers , and there's organizations that dedicate themselves to , you know , providing low income work and services .
Absolutely so if you're listening , don't be afraid , there are lots of opportunities and options out there . Thank you so much , greg , and everyone hope you have a great day .
Thank you .