Ep 34 Revisiting Past Conversations: Relationship Goals: Communication and Attachment with Relationship Wellness Expert Greg Lozano - podcast episode cover

Ep 34 Revisiting Past Conversations: Relationship Goals: Communication and Attachment with Relationship Wellness Expert Greg Lozano

Nov 14, 202330 minSeason 1Ep. 34
--:--
--:--
Download Metacast podcast app
Listen to this episode in Metacast mobile app
Don't just listen to podcasts. Learn from them with transcripts, summaries, and chapters for every episode. Skim, search, and bookmark insights. Learn more

Episode description

Are communication breakdowns causing tension in your relationships? Join us as we navigate the complexities of relationship dynamics with Greg Lozano, a licensed professional counselor based in Texas with specialization in relationship issues. With his extensive expertise, Greg brings to light the nuances of attachment styles and their profound influence on our relationships. He decodes how different attachment styles impact our communication, potentially culminating into anxiety or depression.


This episode isn't just about understanding the problem, it's about finding solutions. We home in on the common complaint of wives feeling unheard, offering useful advice on enhancing communication and resolving conflicts. Greg emphasizes on establishing emotional safety, allowing both partners to express and be heard. We also touch base on the value of therapists addressing their own attachment styles to provide better aid to their clients. Finally, we address the crucial importance of seeking help when it comes to mental health, informing you about the availability of online and hybrid therapy services, as well as organizations providing low-income services. Along with learning, this is about taking action. So, tune in for an enlightening conversation on the intricate intersection of relationships and mental health.

Support the show

We are happy and honored to be part of your life changing health and wellness journey:
https://telewellnesshub.com/explore-wellness-experts/

Transcript

Relationship Issues

Speaker 1

Hey there , lovely listeners . Today we're taking a trip down memory lane on the Tele Wellness Hip Podcast . I'm your host , marta Hamilton , and we're revisiting a classic episode still with what I think is some timeless wisdom and insight that could be really helpful for us to revisit .

So , whether it's a favorite you've missed or a gem worth revisiting , let's dive in together and be inspired .

Speaker 2

Hi , welcome to the Tele Wellness Hub Podcast . Today I have the pleasure of speaking with Greg Lozano . Greg is a licensed professional counselor in the state of Texas , providing online counseling for residents who live within Texas , and owner of a grant of wellness counseling .

He began in the field of mental health about 13 years ago as a mental health case manager and , at the time , quickly realized that he wanted to help others in a more profound way than simply skills training .

He is a helping professional who loves what he does and when you meet with him you notice the warmth that he brings to others care , and he specializes in relationship issues , anxiety and panic attacks . Welcome , greg , thank you .

Speaker 3

Thank you for having me .

Speaker 2

Yes , I'm excited to talk to you and just dive into more about relationships . And before we dive in , I want to ask you this question why do you do the wellness work that you do ?

Speaker 3

Well , the simple answer is obviously just to help others . But the reason I like doing couples work and a relationship work in general is because a lot of our experiences are based off of relationships .

So somebody may come in with anxiety or depression or symptoms like that , but as you start to ask further and further , there's usually a contextual background involving relationships with others .

Now , not to say that's the only cause of symptoms such as anxiety or depression , but there can be a lot of reasons for depression and anxiety stemming from relationship issues .

Speaker 2

Absolutely . I'm wondering when people come to you and you might start noticing maybe there are aspects that are from the relationship that are being affected with any anxiety and different things . What are some things you might notice ?

Speaker 3

Well , when I do , when I do couples work , and even on an individual basis , when the individual client is coming with a relationship concern , the first thing that I go to is trying to get a feel for their attachment style and so that's basically the way that they tend to relate to other people , and that's usually where anxiety can can manifest itself .

So be it in fear of abandonment or , you know , fear of just losing their partner , and that's that's a good starting point , because that gives me a map as to what it is that they're struggling with and how it is that I could help them .

Speaker 2

That's such a good point about attachment styles . There's a lot of conversations about that . Now for those who might be familiar or aware .

I don't know if you can give a little bit of a description of some things , the types of attachment styles or things you might notice like some signs of that you might have a certain type or lean towards a certain attachment style .

Speaker 3

Well , those dynamics , they're very interesting on the person that's on the receiving end as well as on the person that's experiencing the conflict . And that that would be , of course , depending on their specific attachment style .

But if you have , for example , an avoidant , and mostly avoidant attachment style , then the way that person would respond to stressing the relationship would be to shut down , got it ? So that's a very common issue that I get . It's like I try and talk to him and he just shuts down .

That's a very common phrase , and so that's where you begin to have issues with communication .

Speaker 2

Just that shutting down , yeah .

Speaker 3

and the other attachment style , for example , can be an anxious type and depending on the severity of it , it could be they could feel so needy , and they can . Those types of attachment styles are evident when the person is very demanding .

So you might hear their partner say , well , she's just too demanding , or he's just too demanding , he needs so much for me and he needs too much attention , or I can't do anything without them . That's how they manifest themselves within the context of relationships .

When those needs are not met with , a person can be susceptible to depression or anxiety about the relationship and whatnot .

Speaker 2

Right , how empowering it must be for your clients to learn more about their own attachment style or their own factors , kind of playing a role , or also their significant others , and know that it has something to do with maybe their own attachment styles , their own relationships , outside relationships and being able to really create tools or work on communication once

knowing that .

Speaker 3

Right , yeah , I think providing a psycho education is very crucial and very important because they need to understand why they do what they do and it certainly helps , like , for example , as I do this kind of work and I get my trainings and I do my readings , I reflect on my own attachment style and so it puts into context .

You know why we have the needs we have and , more especially , how we go about getting those needs met .

Speaker 2

Right , I love that you say that , because I think it's wonderful when therapists are really intentional about doing their own work . It's kind of like if you go to a work trainer trying to get a workout for yourself but they don't train , you know , they don't do their workouts themselves . I think it's important to do the work yourself .

I think it's awesome that you're actively , mindfully looking at your own attachments , that you're doing your own trainings , of course , so that you can help make a bigger impact for others as well and probably relate to them .

Speaker 3

Right , it's just yeah , yeah , like I can see myself . You know , and we all , we don't , we're not set to like a particular attachment style and you know , we're just ourselves .

We find ourselves boxed in Like it's not really that way we can have a secured attachment base and when we're under stress we can tend to get a little anxious , or maybe a little avoidant or dismissive . So we all have our tendencies , because that's what makes us human .

Speaker 2

Right , absolutely Right . There's not one perfect way to operate all the time . We're human there are things that absolutely we all have our own experiences . They're all cultural backgrounds , different factors that play a role .

Absolutely , that makes the sense you know , talking about kind of some things that you might show up as stressors or anxiety in relationships and wondering if you can share a little bit about what are some signs or what are things to look for when in a healthy relationship , a healthy , fulfilling , meaningful relationship .

Speaker 3

Okay . So looking at it from from an attachment based lens , what a healthy relationship would look like would be one in which both people feel safe and secured in their relationship . What I mean by that is if one person can turn towards their partner and pretty much ask them are you there for me ?

The other person willingly says , yes , I'm here for you , now I'm not . I'm not referring to this , as you know , literally just like that , but that type of that type of bond manifests itself in a different way . For example , hey , I had a very hard day at work . And the other person can respond by hey , okay , well , what happened ?

You know you just seem a little bit stressed out . You know I wonder what it is that happened . Tell me about it . So that's the person reaching out to them and the other one being susceptible to it . And that's what dependability is . We can depend on our partner to be there emotionally for us .

Speaker 2

Right , Like having curiosity . I'm not an expert in relationships , but I've heard , I've heard adults mention things like bids for attention . Right , they're sharing , they're sharing something and their partner speaks with curiosity , wanting to learn more , wanting to engage , investing in more about their partner .

Speaker 3

Yes , yes . So pretty much I mean we can . We can answer to our partners in multiple different ways . It's just whether or not , how healthy it is .

Speaker 1

Why .

Speaker 3

If we , if we tend to be avoidant and we shut down , well , that's a response , we're answering to them , but it's not the most ideal .

Speaker 2

Right , because no response is still a response . That's interesting point that .

Speaker 3

I'm .

Speaker 2

Right , right .

Speaker 3

Or we can be anxious ourselves and we're like you know , I just I can't hear you out right now . Or whatever the case may be , there may be the anxiety within them that they're not ready to be available to them when they want to talk . So each attachment style has its ways of manifesting themselves within the relationship .

Speaker 2

Right and there's not one size fits all . Right , everyone is different and brings in a different power to it . What are some of the common reasons people come for couples counseling or relationship coaching or counseling ? I know that sometimes people think , well , things have got to be really bad . You're trying to sign like , do I stay or do I go .

But there are also people who don't proactively write to work on their communication or certain goals .

Speaker 3

Yeah .

Speaker 2

Chris , what are some of the lower common reasons or common things that you see people wanting to achieve through couples counseling ?

Improve Communication and Conflict in Relationships

Speaker 3

Usually what I get a lot is husbands or the male partners don't listen to their wives or they don't pay attention . They don't listen .

It's what I get , and so what I find is that a lot of the complaints that wives bring up is that they just want to offer them solutions , when all they're wanting to is just to be heard , and so obviously , as a counselor , I have to offer both of them some grace , and that's because the male brain were mostly wired for solution-based , problem-solving approaches .

Women are more maternal , more nurturing , and so they value more an emotional response from their partner rather than just answers . So if you have a wife that came stressed out from work , having a hard day at work , and they started talking to their husbands about it and their husbands automatically go to the solution , well , have you tried this ?

Have you tried that ? And it's not really that they want to be heard as to how hard it was for them . They want to be understood as to how hard their day was , and it makes a lot of sense .

My trainings that I get I get out from Dr Sue Johnson , and the last training I took from her she was stating how research has indicated that , over the past few decades , the institution of marriage has shifted slightly from an economical one to an emotional one , meaning that partners are now seeking someone that's willing to listen to them , that's willing to be

there for them emotionally , rather than being a good provider . And it makes sense , because nowadays both people work , so we don't really depend on another person for income . We depend on them emotionally .

Speaker 2

That's interesting . Cytal changes really influence relationship and the work that you do in your office , I'm sure , and the things that come up and the dynamics .

Speaker 3

Yeah .

Speaker 2

If we're anybody out there listening and maybe we're late to either some of the things that you described . They're coming home and they're sharing . I had a hard day . Here's what happened and someone maybe someone who could really do , wanting to offer solutions and , like you mentioned , because of a neurobiological wiring right I tend to see , because of time . Any .

Are there any kind of key phrases or key suggestions that you could offer as a tip or suggestion ?

Speaker 3

Well , just being able to , to learn a little bit about active listening and being able to tell their partner what it is that they're hearing , because , after all , when our partner comes home from work , we we want to see how their day was and is . They're coming home and they're telling us about it . We need to be able to communicate that .

Okay , so what I hear you saying is that meeting in the morning was , was very intense and that has a different connotation . That well , have you tried just talking to them ?

Speaker 2

Yeah , you're so right .

Speaker 3

Yeah , so it has a different way of connecting the two people that makes perfect sense , you know .

Speaker 2

I laugh also because my background I'm a counselor , my husband works in construction as an engineer and he is like so problem-solving like Lacking the very concrete Baker very concrete and he has a wonderful heart and I know he loves me , but our conversations sometimes sound a little bit like what you described .

So I'm sure the work that you do offers a lot of , I guess , opening up windows to how the other person thinks and Operates . And right , eat , yeah , yeah , I'm sure , I'm sure there's some me really wonderful ways that you can help build communication through counseling .

I think , if you were gonna say , in terms of more conflict , conflict , there's opportunity for communication too . I feel like you know , I know we describe it our everyday conversations with our partners . You know , where this is what happened . What about actual conflict ? I think conflict is inevitable , right especially in the dynamic relationship .

What , what Recommendations would you say in terms of improving conflict resolution ?

Speaker 3

So , Conflict resolutions would actually be the one of the most important components in being able to Maintain a long-term and satisfactory Marriage or relationship . It's actually what matters most is actually how you reconnect once you have a conflict , and the best advice I could give , or the best suggestion , would be to Create emotional safety first .

Like we , we have to remember that the person that we're having the conflict with is our partner right .

Speaker 2

They're not our opponent or enemy right , Because as we get in that flight or fight , it's so easy to just be like right .

Speaker 3

Yes , and so being able to be vulnerable in that sense really helps . The other person would be like more open to approaching you and they , and the way that happens is that person should know that it's okay to go to my partner .

He's not gonna bash me or reject me , and that's that's where the correctional emotional experience Comes into play with those who struggle with certain types of attachments .

Speaker 2

I'm okay . Well , what would that look like to make that emotional safety ? I know Ruins different depending on style , depending on hands right .

Speaker 3

I Know , what might that look like emotional safety can look like approaching our partner with tenderness , asking them if they're ready to talk .

Speaker 2

Starting , you know being warm . Yeah , something like you ready .

Speaker 3

Yeah , sometimes I have . The way I help on my clients create safety is by , you know , reaching for each other's hands , because that that certainly Would calm every anybody down , like if you just hold their hands and say , hey , are we ready to talk , can we talk now ?

Right , and just really as conveying , sending them the message that it's okay for them to reach out , right . So it takes , it takes both of them , it takes two to be vulnerable Because a person that's initiating the contact is is making themselves vulnerable because they can get rejected . What if the other person's not ready ?

Speaker 2

Mm-hmm , and what is so the you're rejected . What is the ? I guess it could be start a cascade right of like feeling defensive for the rejection , but is it ? It's just right learning not to give up and having that tenderness of that's your partner . What would you say ? Well , what ? What would you say ?

Speaker 3

in that , well , that's , that's where you work with each other's attachment style . So if you have an anxious avoidant , that where you struggle to regulate their mood and it's , it's gonna come down to the other person knowing them a little bit more and if they look calm enough to where they can be approached , right Right .

And keep in mind that it's not uncommon at all to be able to assign each person to an individual counselor and then me seeing them as a couple , because there's some attachment styles that really require a lot of work and that will go beyond the scope of a couple's decision .

Speaker 2

Absolutely , that makes sense . That's a really good recommendation . I think sometimes people forget that they don't want to just do couples work , or what I've seen sometimes , too , is people say my partner needs therapy , not me . Right , they need to do something , not me .

I'm sure you've seen that too , but the reality is , I'm sure , just to have this space for individual or both people to share openly and then come together with the couples counselors really helpful . Do you see other trends with certain type of attachment styles typically peering up ? Are there certain ones that typically end up together ? Do you know ?

Speaker 3

I know certain personalities I mean the common ones that are well known in the field is those tending towards narcissism really attract those that are have a tendency towards dependency , because it's kind of like they each provide what the other craves , right .

So that overall , what makes , I mean the ideal situation is when each person has a mostly secured attachment style , but the common trend is the anxious , avoidant attachment styles that they can be very emotional , emotionally responsive and they I see that pattern quite a lot .

Speaker 2

Yeah , I was curious with kind of patterns . You see , I know that on your website . When I was looking at it before our interview , I saw that you offer even 15 minute online sessions . Do you help people learn more about their attachment style on there , or how can people learn more about their attachment style ? Does it require more of a longer session ?

Speaker 3

Well , I just I put that in there just in case you know there's ongoing like , let's say that we go through a full course of treatment , right , and so those 15 minutes can be used as a touching base kind of thing , like every other month . Or they call back and they have a question hey , what was it that you said ? I just I wasn't too clear on that .

I think it's coming up . I just need a refresher . Yes , we'll just do a 15 minute phone call .

Speaker 2

Absolutely no . That makes sense because I know some people offer 15 minute , sometimes intro , so I didn't know how that worked . But I think , especially with couples it's known , at least within the counseling field you need a lot more time . It's two people coming together , yeah , yeah .

Speaker 3

Yeah , so for that , definitely one hour weekly sessions to start off , and then , as progress begins to take place , that we start spacing them out . But yeah , definitely so the intro , like the puzzle patients , at first they're free , like there's no charge for that .

Speaker 2

Oh , wow , that's wonderful . That's really nice , because I think so often you don't know what counseling there's people who've never done counseling or you don't know what the counseling of that person might be like , which is part of why I wanted to make this podcast do , and so I think it's wonderful that you offer that opportunity for people .

Speaker 3

I'm currently in the process of revising my website and that's one thing . I'll make sure to include it , because I don't think I have that in there . Okay , like free consults .

Speaker 2

Oh , wonderful that's awesome so . Yeah , that's really neat . I want to shift gears a little bit but at the same time still want to talk a little bit about relationships , because , before we hit record , we're talking a little bit about how another area of specialty is working with medical providers .

Physicians In the past I have heard about not in a professional sense , maybe you do too but a lot of relationship issues can come up within medical professionals because of the high demands of work you know earlier you were talking about describing this example , you know , coming on from work and I'm thinking long hours , overnight shifts , being on call .

So I'm wondering if we can shift a little bit to talk about physicians , medical providers . Do you have an area of expertise within working with that population ? Just kind of what are some of the challenges you see ?

Speaker 3

Well , actually , when it comes to physicians , I have yet to work with them . I'm trying to work with them and basically , one of the reasons why I wanted to do this podcast is to kind of make it known that there is help for doctors .

Speaker 1

Yeah .

Speaker 3

And what really made me think about this was that a while back I read an article on Medscape on physician suicide . Oh yeah , and it's kind of like we go to our doctors for our own issues , but I guess somehow we can easily forget that they're also human .

Speaker 2

Right , yes , yeah .

Speaker 3

Yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , and so , basically , like anything that I have training to provide help with , I want to offer that to physicians and medical doctors , because I think that if there's anyone that may struggle with the stigma behind mental health , it would probably be them .

Speaker 1

Yes .

Speaker 3

Yes . So that's why I really want to make it known that there is help out there and there's HIPAA , and if you don't trust HIPAA , then we can just do self-pay and not even worry about any paper trail that can come from filing insurance claims .

Speaker 2

Right , unfortunately , that's something I've heard mentioned .

Speaker 3

I mean .

Speaker 2

My medical students . Actually , I had medical students say they were concerned about paper trails , them needing help , mental health support while completing residency , while completing medical . They're concerned that that would impact their role as a medical provider .

So I think that what you're doing , or hoping to do , so I guess your specialty , your specialized area of interest , I guess I , should I mis-spudged it would be .

Speaker 3

Go on that standing .

Speaker 2

Yes , I think it would be wonderful . I'm 100% in support of trying to find more support from our medical providers , especially after COVID . There was a lot they had to endure , plus other challenges . I mean , I'm sure you can imagine a lot of issues , but especially with stigma , of how was the stigma ?

Yes , yes , so I'm glad that you're opening up the conversation and opening your door to help medical doctors .

Speaker 3

Yeah , because what you were saying , I mean you have a point . You know they work a long hours , they take on extra shifts and yeah , it takes it , it's told , not just on them personally , with the stress and all its effects , but with their loved ones as well , like their families are kids or wines .

Speaker 2

Yes , yes , it has a big trickle down effect . And , yeah , we mentioned physical , the demanding hours , all of those things . So any medical providers out there listening Greg was on us out there for available for you . Yeah , living in Texas .

Speaker 3

Yeah .

Speaker 2

Yes , Absolutely . I think that it's important to consider those who are helping us heal too . I mean they're giving their time .

Speaker 3

And I really think that doing this virtually is even more anonymous . Yes , and I was already thinking ahead . If I should get an office someday and see in person clients , I would probably schedule them like 15 minutes apart .

Speaker 1

Right .

Speaker 3

Yeah , so that's about as much as I can think of that , where I can really assure their anonymity , yes , their privacy .

Speaker 2

Yes , that's important within our field . Just everyone listening and I know that you're really emphasizing it that HIPAA for those who aren't familiar , it's a Privacy , information , privacy and Protection Act . So you seeking mental health care is something that is private and protected and we take it very seriously .

We could lose our licenses and we enjoy our dogs , I mean , and it's important to us to be ethical and legally compliant . So I really appreciate this conversation with you . I really enjoyed it . I feel like we could keep talking more about all these topics Before we go . You know , wellness is the active pursuit , active goals for holistic health .

That is one of the definitions of wellness . I'm wondering if , for anyone listening , if you are going to help inspire or motivate or encourage them in their goals that they have , particularly around the relationships , any last piece of encouragement or recommendation that you might share for them on their wellness relationship .

Seeking Help

Speaker 3

Just overall , to not be afraid to seek help if you honestly believe that you need it . Like I said , HIPAA is there for a reason , and not only that . Like , you don't even have to walk out of your house to be able to do this .

There's a lot of therapists that all they do is online work , such as myself , and then the majority of the other providers do hybrid . So if you just rather have that extra layer of privacy , then you know there is a lot of help out there Even without insurance .

there's charity work that's being done by a lot of providers , and there's organizations that dedicate themselves to , you know , providing low income work and services .

Speaker 2

Absolutely so if you're listening , don't be afraid , there are lots of opportunities and options out there . Thank you so much , greg , and everyone hope you have a great day .

Speaker 3

Thank you .

Transcript source: Provided by creator in RSS feed: download file
For the best experience, listen in Metacast app for iOS or Android
Open in Metacast